Poker Blogs

So, I will post something so hiems can maybe be amused and probably criticize me.

There is not much to report. My life is pretty simple. I labor away my life at work and then I get into music and sometimes I spend time with friends.

I am too broke for any meaningful computer so I focus most of my time on song-writing and the guitar. All I need is a pen and a notebook for song-writing and maybe a little inspiration from somewhere. The guitar is still mostly grind-mode. I got pretty good with the blues scales that were given to me to practice and then my teacher was interested in what kind of song I want to play. I responded that I had been listening to Townes Van Zandt almost obsessively recently and so we started on Pancho and Lefty which is not my favorite song but one that he knew. I've started on finger picking and expanding my ability to play some more chords. It can be a grind to just practice fundamentals but what I've learned or gathered is with the guitar it's a long process. I'm not just going to pick the thing up and play whatever I want. There is probably an inflection point in certain areas where if I can play 1 song it becomes increasingly easier to play other songs and then the dam bursts and with a little practice I am playing a wide range of songs but I need to hone the fundamentals. If I can't get a damn A to ring, or a D, or a G, there's no hope in really trying to play any damn song.

I don't have many friends outside of AA and I am not thrilled about showing up to the meetings so that is a situation. I don't want to get too lonely as I think that is one of the main drivers behind people who drink a lot. I mean obviously pent up fears and resentments causes people to poison themselves but loneliness and isolation are big drives for sure. I am up in the morning and in the fashion store around a lot of people so I think that has some effect on me but not like a more free space with friends. I am still in chains at work. It's nice for people to smile at me and say hi but I'm still chained. What if they find out I am acting at what it is to be this person at work. My dissatisfied facial expressions and forced smile betray the person I am trying to be. Horrible stuff really. It's back to being in a cage and when I leave I am just in a bigger cage. How do I get out of the cage? Where do I put the chains?

My guitar teacher is adamant that I enjoy playing the guitar and that I enjoy life. He's been pronounced dead in a hospital bed but he came back. I stopped and thought about it today and I just kind of go through the motions with large portions of my life now. The job is conducive to that and it carries over into leisure if the "leisure" I get is even considered that. I've said it before there is no real leisure for people toiling away full time hours. There is work and rest for work (Byung-Chul Han). But, seriously, I thought about it a lot and I don't even have a full idea of what enjoyment is or should be. Guitar is great but I'm not creating yet. It's practice. There is still the gaming aspect to it. Getting the right chord shape and extra stimulation in the right hand with the finger picking that you just don't get with strumming with a pick. I can eat some fried chicken with sweet potato fries and a sweet tea at the best fried chicken joint in the city but that is a trap. A trap that damages my liver most likely. If I truly enjoyed being here I would do everything I could to rejuvenate my liver and not damage it. If someone asked me in my 20s what enjoyment means I might be able to just summarize it with "sex, drugs, and rock n' roll" but that's not sustainable and it's also naive. Sex has low hedonic adaptation. Rock n' roll does too but drugs it's very difficult to get that first high back. I'm 38 and still figuring out how to live life.

I will say this though. I was at a viewing for a family member the other day and that is a jolt. Someone once asked Heidegger how do we be authentic? And, Heidegger answered go visit a graveyard. I would take that a step further and go to a viewing. The existentialists of the 1920s and beyond are very big on this idea of authenticity. It's not a fashion or a trend. It is about being in this world. Being thrown into this world and what do we do? I was thinking about how down in the South they say ma'am or sir or Miss and Mister. I just say please but that's not really authentic is it? That is just how I was programmed growing up. Now, there is a choice in my actions though. I could choose to start saying ma'am and sir and all the rest of it but I don't actually like it so I will hold to my Mid-west upbringing.

Authenticity is a battle. Living true to myself seems like the least amount of impediments to my freedom. The problem is it is not easy to know what being true to myself entails. What soap do I use? There is no true self in what soap I use. I am always manipulated. It is very difficult to avoid manipulation in day to day life. I have wised up somewhat to know that buying a pair of Air Jordans can not represent my soul, my beating heart. I can try my hardest with consumption to represent me as a person and it is mostly emptiness.

I'm drifting. The Seroquel is really starting to kick in. I would like to elaborate a bit more on authenticity and this idea that we are thrown into existence (Heidegger). Born to grow and grow to die (Townes Van Zandt). I am still trying to figure out what enjoyment means at 38 today. I can't just pop molly and slam speed and alcohol at a warehouse rave and enter a new dimension on the regular. In fact, I can't afford to do that at all these days.

music
art
diners
forest




Comments (35)       read entire blog

I just want peace

Peace is the way


Comments (23)       read entire blog

I was completely out of the game, enjoying my retirement from poker as a software developer. Then I watch the Doug Polk challenge, then I start getting recommended videos on youtube, then I start to wonder if I can still beat 25NL. Well in August of last year I decided to find out! And now I've played almost 300k hands and am completely obsessed with poker again! Funny how that happens. I even went on an insane 40 buy in downswing over about 60k hands and had to get coaching. But it worked out and my winrate has been rising as I continue to improve. My winrate in FEB was just under 9bb/100 at 100nl over 25k hands, I'm hoping to get to the double digits this month. I'll probably be moving up to 200NL soon now that I'm confident I'm beating 100NL for a solid rate. Here is the overall graph since my return to poker. Almost 300k hands so far. Definitely curious who all is still around since I haven't posted in like 9 years lol. I've also been streaming a lot on Twitch recently if anyone wants to come hang out and talk hands/old times. https://www.twitch.tv/xervean

https://imgur.com/a/BOPsD3V


Comments (18)       read entire blog

Everything I say has been said before.

I am wrestling with how to write a song. The first song I wrote I wrote the guitar part first and then just mostly improvised the melody. It was a fun little song but I set it aside in the archives. I learned that the "correct" way to write a song is to lay down the beat first, then chords (guitars, piano, whatever), and then the vocals. This makes sense to me but it can't be the only way. Townes Van Zandt many times wrote the vocals before laying down the guitar. SIA doesn't write anything. She just improvises the melodies that eventually become a song accompanied by a piano. I wrote a song the other day that was basically poetry but I don't really know how to then go back and make it musical with a guitar or add a beat with a MIDI controller. It's still very much early stages and I just turned 38. It's fun though. Something to do. Better than waiting to die (Van Zandt). See, I told you everything I say has been said already.

I think if I study Van Zandt and Bob Dylan that is all the education I need for writing songs. The funny thing is I think my voice is suited for country better than any other genre but I feel like an outsider and I fight it. It's not as sexy as singing a falsetto or yelling. I can appreciate the production of a deadmau5 or NIN but I am not a classically trained pianist... So, I love the production of some of these people in Digital Audio Workstations (DAWs) but there is something to writing a song and playing an acoustic guitar. I get intimidated by some of the Texas drawl and sensibilities. Basically, I have to find my voice. Although, Jason Molina did just fine and is from the same place I am from. I don't want to copy Trent Reznor, or Thome Yorke, or Leadbelly, or Robert Johnson, or Townes Van Zandt. I just want to create what is in my heart and archive it as basically journal entries.


Comments (4)       read entire blog

Comments (52)       read entire blog

I feel empty, I feel lonely, I feel worn out. Which is why I am here. It's a feeling that fried chicken and iced cream won't fix. At least not at this hour. I missed my AA home group tonight due to work. That would have had the potential to cure my woes. At least for an evening. But, sometimes I get the feeling that I am attempting to run with the herd with out running or following the rules. Believe me, I have had vicious substance abuse problems in my life and I have a desire to not use substances in the present or the future. I run into problems when I don't have working substances at my disposal. I don't honestly think I could find anything that works in the long run anyways. Certainly not some God of my own imagination either. I am an insect among this cold universe. Even underneath these fiery stars.

On the terrestrial, mundane side of things we might be witnessing the start of World War III and all I give a damn about is how am I going to get through work without too much displeasure and how am I going to make music. I think there is sort of an underlying terror to all of this more heightened than normal. There are things worse than nuclear weapons. Anyways, my laptop is too old to run the Steinberg UR12 Audio Interface and MXL 990 Condenser Microphone and an appropriate DAW (Digital Audio Workstation)...

My new goal is to build my own desktop. Worth it?

What does everyone think?

I don't want any Apple products. I want Windows 11 and Ableton Live 11. I probably want to game too but I don't want the project to get too expensive.

This gives me something to look forward to among the chaos. Will I care if a smorgasbord of suffering is headed my way if I am writing songs or pwning noobs? I hope not.


Comments (24)       read entire blog

Anyone still come around here?

I sneaked some painting in last night and this morning. God, I love painting. The ideal would be to have a studio as part of a dwelling. What I painted was kind of weird and seemingly trivial but it was still fun and got that sort of expression out. I am still practicing guitar but practicing chords isn't the same as creating a song or a painting. I think another part of the ideal is just having a girlfriend I could do stuff with. Yes, I think expressing ourselves sexually is important but just doing random stuff. You know, some other friends so I don't get too sick of the girlfriend.

I think with the guitar I have to really get into the chord shapes and not be complacent about it. As my teacher said it is not just about the fingers but also the hand, wrist, and arm.


Comments (10)       read entire blog

I've been leaning about investing the past few months, because I stupidly haven't thought about my retirement up until recently. It's not fun using a retirement calculator the first time, and realizing how much you need by X age in order to live off your investments comfortably. If you're not making bank, you're relying on compounding interest. And if a decade similar to 2000 to 2010 happens, it can ruin your plans.

Wondering what the opinions here are on picking your own stocks vs dumping your money in ETFs?

I always see the stat mentioned: Something like 85-90% of investors who pick their own stocks significantly underperform the market. Yet I chose to pick my own stocks, because like everyone else who does it I think I'm capable enough to beat the market. And I assume winning poker players have the temperament to do it. Or am I being retarded? I'm talking about holding med to long-term, not day trading.

Either way, what a time to get into it. The past decade was a bull market and it looks like that may change.


Comments (18)       read entire blog

Axiom: I beat Loco.

Therefore the dumber i act the more tilted Loco gets because that means he is even dumber than me.

Its all part of the plan...


Comments (13)       read entire blog

I've got the blues but I can't really play the blues (yet).

I wake up at a good hour greeting the morning sun. I run errands. I read a book. I take a nap.

{side note}

- Twitter is the same old shit all the time. I don't need all that information.

- Reddit is just too much. It's too extreme. I don't want to experience life through the lens of reddit.

- Liquidpoker.net - I just keep coming back. Just when I thought I was out it drags me right back in.

I was going to go to Food Not Bombs today and thought about 3 different AA meetings I could go to and didn't end up going to any of them.

I got some good guitar work in.

Is this life? Recover one day to work the next days. Work, eat something, don't get dehydrated, blot out the consciousness with whatever will work to do it all over again the next day?

We are all knuckleheads just flinging poo seeing what has some sort of impact.

Let's say I do learn John Mayer's guitar solo on Frank Ocean's Pyramids and can perform the full vocals and guitar and perhaps even the synthesizer composition... Then what?

The reward is in the journey. We must imagine Sisyphus happy and all that crap... I can sing the blues but I can't make my guitar sing the blues (yet).

It's grey winter out there today. Last night there was a light crescent moon and black grey clouds in the darkest dark of night. Listening to Emma Ruth Rundle driving home with the cream street lights illuminating the road it felt like a perfect moment. I was enmeshed with joy. Now, today, tonight, I sit here discontented with existence. It was as if last night was a dream. The thought of it brings me envy. The only chance to bring me out of this ennui is perhaps soothing hot white tea and more chipping away at the ole guitar or maybe it will be something completely unexpected.

I've got the blues bad and maybe the only remedy is more blues but what if the blues is like benzos in that the more you take the more there is a rebound anxiety? One becomes dependent on the blues.


Comments (0)       read entire blog

May this new year bring u lots of love n happiness


Comments (6)       read entire blog

Haven't posted in ages, but thought this would be fun, and that someone here might appreciate it.

I've been working from home since the start of COVID, and I generally keep on some background media while working - podcasts, tv shows, music, etc. About 8 months ago YouTube suggested a replay of an SC2 pro match. I played SC2 for a short while during beta, but to my knowledge, I haven't done, said, or watched anything that would warrant YouTube to think I would be interested in SC2. This is because I didn't know I was interested in SC2.

Out of curiosity, I watched that replay. I now watch this shit all day and actively watch these guys stream on Twitch. All because YouTube suggested one video to me. I'm not going to pretend to know how YT's suggestion algo works, but I like to think that if any number of things happened for me to not watch that video, that it would have never been suggested again.




Comments (23)       read entire blog

What the fuck


Comments (0)       read entire blog

I can post here if I want it is just not in my best interest. I have plenty to ruminate on.

The point is I was practicing Protection by Emma Ruth Rundle on guitar and honestly typing this I am better off going back to practicing.

It is also not wise for me to get into any sort of "debate" with people on here or even respond to anything.

Subtle brag that I am practicing a hard song for me on guitar. Love the chords I just can't play 1/3 of them yet.


Comments (40)       read entire blog

Happy new year to anyone that may still be around here including the lurkers. In 2022, it seems I still have a compulsion to post here.

I finally got a job. The title is salesperson but I'm basically a fashion retail hoe. I don't suck dick but I will sell sweaters for cash apparently. I figure I'll give it a go. The company allegedly is a good company to work for so we shall see.

2021 flew by. Isn't there some hypothesis that time is relative or something like that? Or, the classic as one ages time speeds up. Terrifying. I realize aging is inevitable but the degradation of the body is no fun.


Comments (60)       read entire blog

Pretty colors.

If any of you lot is unemployed how many hours a day are you looking for a job?

I feel like there are only so many jobs for me out there and applying does not take too long but I know some people who are savage about the job hunt.

I don't know. This morning nothing was all that appetizing. I've got some interviews in the mix so maybe I feel higher than I should because interviews can come and go like a flash. I mean I just can't ever see myself putting in an 8 hour day on searching for a job. The more normal my sleep schedule the harder it is to be a NEET. There are only so many things to occupy the time. I came back to the Habermas but it is like I lost my place or never had a place in that book. I learned to code more. That almost seems like a waste as I don't know what my destiny will be. I wanted to learn Rust but I can't really go through the book because it is for good programmers. Even if I get good I don't see myself enjoying sitting around programming for 8-10 hours / day. I've gotten such conflicting advice regarding coding at this point it's me saying fuck off to people thinking I have to optimize every minute of my life and let me just tinker around and hack and have some fun.


Comments (23)       read entire blog

Sometimes I don't understand my brother and sister-and-law. They itemized out 15 Marvel movies they need to see/re-see before seeing yet another shitty Marvel movie that is not out in theatres yet. 30+ hours of watching shitty Marvel movies sounds like torture to me. I also don't get how they can budget in a 5 figure trip to Disney a year in advance and my brother is not allowed to get a video game he wants when he wants it. I was thinking though that maybe their watching of excessive bad movies is not as bad as me being on here. On here feels more active which it is. It is almost a bad thing. The faster I type the faster I type the more I post the faster I type to type faster to post faster. There are some elements of addiction to it. I could finish Dark season 3. I could finish Arcane season 1. I could finish Dune (the book). I'd rather sit here listening to music and typing up literally whatever. OMG who knows what will happen when I click send.

Ooga Booga Vote Trump Ooga Booga


Comments (7)       read entire blog

Comments (7)       read entire blog

https://i.imgur.com/0HkXsDq.jpg

I've been bed-ridden for a few days after having my wisdom teeth taken out. It kind of sucks balls I have been living off of carbo-gain, whey protein, vegetable-shake-powder, peanut butter, and multi-vitamins for the past 3days and the pain hasn't gone away yet. Feel free to donate to my paypal or patreon btw...i also take crypto.

Anyway I had some time so I was thinking about how concerned I am about the Loco's life trajectory. I remember he told me a story once on Discord about how he was on a long flight and some guy sitting next to him started giving him "life advice" how he told him "He is good at figuring out what people should do with their lives"...Loco said he doesnt give a crap about stuff like that but I thought to myself, "Man how pathetic must Loco come off as in real life for strangers to randomly start giving him advice on what to do in life"

I thought about the movie "Meet the Parents" and I imagine Loco has been in a similar situation a few times in his life...where he goes home to his girlfriend's family gathering and their right-winger father disapproves of Loco's life choices. I can see it in my head, Robert Deniro complaining that for starters, he doesn't even have a car! "What kind of guy doesnt even have a car?!!?" "And he works as a...video game tester? WTF is that!"...lol. What a dumb loco!!! I wonder how many times he has been dumped because of this!! LmK if you agree with this!!






Comments (65)       read entire blog

Friday night. Friday night lights. Listening to Balam Acab. ACAB. Let's go!

I remember the days when Friday night lights meant something. It meant me, captain of the lacrosse team leading the way trotting out to More Human Than Human by White Zombie with the moaning at the beginning under the Lights. That is a check mark for this blog about romanticizing the past.

{Lasagna Recipe}

I've been quiet but I predict hiems will eventually try and go after me. At this juncture I am an easier target than Loco and that is just a fact. I don't even have enough money to fill up the gas tank so I can go out tonight so I am stuck here eating my nephew's left overs:

2 chicken tendies
about a cup or 2 of mac n cheese
3 sugar cookies with coffee

It cost me $0 + whatever the fraction of a coffee bag is.

hiems, making fun of me for roping or seppuku I don't think it goes down like that in my current state. I've only thought about it deadly seriously once and I had 60 units of alcohol in me. I'm not violent enough. It would probably involve Ativan but once I take the Ativan I would feel better unless I overdose on it but I don't want to do that and I don't want to drink alcohol even though my life appears to be in a dire situation which it is but I am not miserable like you claim. This could change obviously but I am not even mad I'm not going out tonight. Last week at the ending prayer I was holding hands with an attractive female and my hand started to tremor because of the medications I am on. I was going to let go of her hand but she grabbed on tighter and finished the prayer. I told her I am sorry about the tremor and she gave 0 shits. That happens to me all the time by the way. It's annoying. It's really not a bad enough outcome to avoid AA altogether it's just annoying. As long as there is no proselytizing, socialization with this group is actually more interesting than many. We've been to hell and back which just brings a more extreme sense of humor and levity I have not come across anywhere else.


Comments (10)       read entire blog