byrnesam's picture blog

im not as good at these as Daut

3 votes

Comments (9)

my flatmate just came into my room with her little mandarin/english translator, i look at the screen and see

"im pregnant"

im quite shocked really - especially since we havnt had full sex.

then she punched me and told me to stop laughing at her and she left.

It could be the second coming of christ - but that would be a beat because i stopped believing in him some years ago.

2 votes

Comments (19)

Epic Trip Report

Friday was the first show of Guns n Roses - Chinese Democracy tour

14 years since they had last been to NZ. Although its just Axel this time around.

I initially thought the show started at 7, so planned to get the 5:20 bus arriving at 6. The show wasnt till 8 so i decided to get the bus anyway and roll over the casino whilst i waited. When i got to the casino i bought a beer which was 6x more expensive than if you buy it at a shop (beat). So i set about high rolling at the 2c slots. I have no idea how a slot works but i did quite well and ended up like $28 on my initial investment (brag). Woman who sat next to me got dominated by her machine (variance).

It took me at least half an hour before i located the "collect" button, and decided this machine had run its course. Took my fist fulls o' dollars and went back to the bar to purchase further beers with my new found wealth.

Went on to another slot machine (beat) (same as before in different location) this time a smelly man sat next to me (variance). His machine again dominated him, but i was running hot for another $15 scoop - purchased more beer (brag).

Then i decided that the Dragon Lord slot machines could take no more of my ill skillz, and i went to one of the newly opened low stakes blackjack tables. $5 a hand i sit down at the empty table. He asks if i know how to play im like "OBV IM SICK WIDDIT" and he waits for me to cut the cards (didnt know u had to do that) anyway, he was a friendly guy and explained the etiquette that is skipped over on Party Blackjack.

About 2 hands in an old woman sits at my table and puts $5 on my hands (I did not know you could do this) anyway she obviously pegged me as a sick card counting gambler shark (that i am) - and i obliged by dominating my hands playing like a legend.

I won every hand to begin with, then i lost a hand and was like "urgh..." then i lost another. So being cool - i hit and run and escaped with $105 in chips (WHUT! BALLIN!) I cant remember how much i bought in for maybe like $80 or something i didnt wanna look like a cheapo with a tiny stack. So i was up huge amounts lifetime at these so called "unbeatable" games - with a massive sample to proove it. Maths is wrong. In hindsight i should have martingaled to ensure victory.


net worth in my hand

I take a taxi down to the venue because its raining. It costs like $10 or something but its cool coz im ballin so hard from my casino run.

I purchase like 6 beers or something pre-gig to get myself buzzed up. I also bought some hot chips and ate them on the toilet because i needed a piss, thought i was gonna spew my guts out - those chips were hard to get down. ROCK N ROLL!

The smell of the beer in a plastic cup bought back fond memories of emptying my stomache at Iron Maiden.

The warm up acts were pretty cool. Didnt know any of their songs so i didnt really care that much and i missed quite a bit because i was in the line for beers. I battled my way to about 12 deep to get ready for the Guns.

During the warm-up act i was stood behind these 2 really cute japanese chicks (I had some yellow fever) i pretty much sexually assaulted them - but asian chicks are into that stuff right? ive seen some vieos on the net so i figured id go with it. Theyd probably also have liked it if i spewed on them then took a dump in their mouth. The first chick was bopping to the music and i stood behind her so her ass kept bumping into my crotch - and i popped a semi-boner, i also let my hand touch the ass of the other chick. Its rock n roll - what can you do? neither of them noticed.

I wanted to stay behind them for the whole concert but when Axel came out the crowd went crazy and there was a massive push forward. Welcome to the Jungle blazed out and i moshed around in a sea of other peoples sweat. You could see it rising from the heat in the crowd it looked like fog.


Guns n Roses in full swing

Axel has not lost it. He is a brilliant entertainer. I was like 12ft away from a rock legend. I forced myself forward till about 5 deep. These 2 guys start fighting just to my right. One of them gets pointed out to the bouncer and he drags this guy forward - despite his best efforts to resist, everyone (including me) pushed him forward and he got yanked over the fence (then everyone cheered)

I was now about as far forward as i could go. My lovely shirt was in the way so i took that off and threw it into the crowd ( -$8) and at one point my trousers nearly fell down lol

Pretty sure Axel made eye-contact with me at one point (brrrrag)

Show was good and i was now wearing 3 t-shirts and sweating like a mother-fucker. My old GnR one, my new tour shirt and a tour shirt i bought for girl #1 from the other threads.

Show ended at about 2:30am and i decided i could probably make it back to the casino and just hang out there till the buses started running again (like 5 hours)


Confetti at end of show, huge beat for the janitor

Its hard to find a tall building from the ground and i was pretty sure my chances of getting beaten up, robbed and raped were at an all time high as less and less people from the concert were ahead of me. I ended up down all these side streets going past the entrances to hip hop clubs with all the G'd up niggaz outside them. Not where you want to be when youre in full on bogan mode.

Also went past a strip club and a massage parlor ($120 half hour special) I considered that a fair price but wasnt nearly drunk enough to act upon my instincts plus is was like 3am so theyd all be covered in drunk man spooj. Next time i might go and bet $120 on blackjack and have that as my prize.

Eventually made it back to the casino. Head to the bar to get some water and a coke - they were both free BOOYA! so i drink them then get a fanta and a water to make sure that i roll this bitch for all its worth. I get $20 in coins and head for Dragon Lord - this time he totally crushes me. So did OutBack Jack and i was so sure i was gonna win the jackpot. I also spent $8 trying to win a BMW but for some reason i didnt win (must be rigged only against me)

I walk up to the poker place and feel that 3am on a friday is probably a good time to play. I ask what games and he says $60/$100NL and $100/$200NL. Not wanting to sound like a noob and ask if they were the blinds i just say "oh ok" and walk off. Id have only got rolled by the rake anyway and the games were only going to be running for another 45 minutes which is like half an orbit live. The blackjack table from before is cashing up so i re-evaluate the situation.

I walk downstairs and sit at the roulette table. Get $50 in chips and start betting red/black. Obviously ive got sick prediction skills and started to roll this table with $10 bets martingaling when i lost one (martingale system works in real life - its rigged online though)


Proof that the Matingale system lets you beat table games

So i double my money when the table closes and decide to go to the casier. I get my winnings in a fat $100 bill.

I realise that if im gonna catch a taxi with this its gonna be full-fare if i pay with a $100 bill (last time ride was like $60) so i withdraw $40 and get a cab home (i told him thats all i had) he asked how much i lost tonight and i said "about $100" small enough to be realistic but big enough that he will take pity and knock a few $$$ off my ride. Turns out the ride was only like $45 so next time ill start at around $30.

In total: i dunno how much i spent.

shirt $8
2x tour shirt: $90 - this was borderline robbery, but its not like ive ever paid for a guns n roses CD.
taxi to: $10
taxi home: $40
6x beer at venue: $36
hot chips: $4
5x beers at casino: $30
slot roll: $20

-$238

Dragon Lord ownage: $30
blackjack domination: $25
roulette rumble: $50
free drinks (lol comped) $??
some other slot shit: $10

+$115

total -$123 (not including ticket but that doesnt count)

Still down but dominating. +$45 in refunds for t-shirt from girl.

Casinos are the fuckin shit. $80 for a sick night is all good.

brag: Axel turned up
brag: sang along with him
variance: the band members
brag: got away with sexual assault
brag: owned casino
beat: taxi rides
beat: beer expenses
variance: still alive
beat: girl #1 didnt get to come coz it sold out
variance: attended on my own

2 votes

Comments (6)

re-putting-up all the old stuff.

2 votes

Comments (7)

ONE TIME! WHUT!

Its back, new material and errr'ythang. All the people at WSOP better start getting source material for this stuff.

The Challenge: If someone at WSOP can get Patrik Antonius to sign me a t-shirt I will do a photoshop everyday for an entire month (or possibly more). Id also like a picture of him signing it so i know it wasnt done by Ket on the plane with a biro.


TJ playing strip craps



Myth: RoShamBo gangster



RainKhan and the liquidpoker mobile



Elky, TalentedTom and Mig



Count Von Ket 1


Count Von Ket 2



get me more material - more to come.

3 votes

Comments (11)

exam tomorrow, then 13th 14th and 16th

have not studied
have already failed 2

I am the Paul Kemsley of accounting

2 votes

Comments (1)

ok i type what i had put before but then it got eleters

so tonight i go and see dnb outfit oncord dawn the gig was
pretty good but i dont like who i go with

so me and mate go to gig and we have good time we try to talk to ladies they dont like it so i talk to girls from our village they cool we havnt talked for such a long time we agree to watch ABs game together

we go home with these punjabs and im prettty sure im going to die at thtier house but i dont and i leave her there coz she likes punjab cock ( I MEAn WTF LOOOOOL enjoy 2inch)

anyay i get home and what do i see LOOOOOOOOOOOL!


the iraqi boys car have been FUCKING SHOT UP IN a dive BY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

i give 5 0 my details before crossing but its fucking crac up i hope theres fucking GANG WARFARE over this shit

i am friends with the guy who supposedly did this

i also keep it cool with the car owners since they keep to themselves

i hope i get this shit deeper i might go outside and try and find out what happened right now

in fact ia m have fun

2 votes

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L/5 Bh

3 votes

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L/5 Bh

2 votes

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6 votes

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