So, I have been pondering questions like this. What exactly do people do on a Tuesday night?
I was talking to some people the other day. The idea came up that many times we are all just looking for some ease and comfort. Many times life does not abide. Not that life is constantly providing difficulty and discomfort which it surely can but those moments that are just like erggghhh. Many among us go to the cell phones. Flipping through whatever the fuck ever is better than sitting someplace silently surely?
I have been thinking about this a lot lately though. Most likely because I have plenty of time to. I am unable to work at the moment and lost my license. Recipe for having more time than I know what to do with.
What about the times I get finished with a task and then there is like 15-30 min. before I have to be somewhere, do something?
I was going to go through my Tuesday night today but I will save it. Highlight was caving to some Diablo III action, realizing I needed to update my OS X, getting tired of how long it was taking to download, hemming and hawing, reading some Game of Thrones, hemming and hawing and deciding to watch that new Mission Impossible.
I do not know what I am looking for. I realize I do not know a lot of things.
It seems that I write because I need to. Would I need to if I was busy doing something else?
But, what if I do not want to do something else?
Why do I write on here?
Habit?
I mean it would likely be better to just keep a private journal and just steer clear of criticism good and bad. Part of me thinks I need some sense of skin in the game. It is nice when I get some cool suggestions too. That might be my ideal. I post rubbish and drivel and then everyone posts awesome pieces of music and art and dope shit. I do not know how to express an all encompassing phrase like "dope shit" other than "dope shit."
Speaking of dope shit how awesome is autumn?
Any time I look at a birch tree and a japanese maple I think about how much of an amazing show Game of Thrones is. I would pray to a birch tree with blood red japanese maple leaves.
I do not just want to write though. I just want to express. Again, it is like I need to. I lose my mind if I don't.
Oh well, Thank you LP for letting me shit some stuff out. I am unsure what this website is for me anymore. I miss it in a way. I do not gamble in casinos or play video games anymore. I don't watch UFC. I prefer not to discuss news online. Ohhh, Party Pooper.
I do hope all is well with people. Everything in its right place. As dope as Radiohead. Hail to the l337.
Ibn Abbad, from my understanding, was a spiritual man born and raised in Spain that moved to Morocco to study and practice Islam in the 1300s. If anyone wants to know more Google it or go to a library or something. (The Holy Man Abu Abdallah Mahammad ben Ibrahim ben Abbad ar Rundi)
So, this passage is described by a friend of Ibn's who is ALSO NAMED IBN. FUCK! (Ibn Qunfund).
Man, I do not even know how many translations it went through because this passage is from a book by Thomas Merton titled "Raids On The Unspeakable." Thomas Merton, from my experiences, is dope as fuck. He just went off to Kentucky to live in a Catholic Monastery and express himself. Raises questions to is that a viable way to live life? Not sure if I would be cool with that but then I am watching Game of Thrones and Arya is progressing into No One and that shit is brackin'.
Anyways, from "Raids On The Unspeakable," by Thomas Merton, pp. 147:
Letter to a Sufi Who Has Abandoned Sufism to Study Law
Well, my friend, you prefer jurisprudence to contemplation!
If you intend to spend your time collecting authorities and precedents
What advice do you want from me?
I can tell you this: each man, today,
Gets what he wants,
Except that no one has discovered a really perfect
Way to kill time.
Those who do not have to work for a living
Are engrossed in every kind of nonsense,
And those who must gain their livelihood
Are so absorbed in this that they
Have time for nothing else.
As to finding someone capable of spiritual life
Ready to do work that is clean of passion
And inordinate desire
Done only for love of Allah-
This is a way of life in which no one is interested
Except a few who have received the special
Mercy of Allah.
Are you aware of this? Are you sure of your condition?
Well then, go ahead with your books of Law,
It will make little difference whether you do this
Or something else equally trivial.
You will gain nothing by it, and perhaps lose nothing:
You will have found a way to kill time.
As you say: you prefer to spend your time doing things you are used to.
Drunkards and lechers would agree:
They follow the same principle.
"To put it bluntly, the discipline of economics has yet to get over its childish passion for mathematics and for purely theoretical and often highly ideological speculation, at the expense of historical research and collaboration with the other social sciences. Economists are all too often preoccupied with petty mathematical problems of interest only to themselves. This obsession with mathematics is an easy way of acquiring the appearance of scientifically without having to answer the far more complex questions posed by the world we live in."
- Thomas Piketty, Adbusters, Blueprint for a New World V: Politico, Nov/Dec 2014 - #116 - Vol. 22 No. 6
At this historic moment, as climate-change-induced resource wars appear imminent and spontaneous revolutionary fervor is erupting around the world, it would be good for the people of America, and those who want to be America, to do a bit of soul searching. It would be wise to take this opportunity to ask some fundamental questions about US foreign policy which are continually ignored. Why do we maintain an all-but-irreversible worldwide system of over 1,000 military bases, stations and outposts? Why do our troops serve on the soil of 175 of 192 member states of the United Nations? And why, at a time when our national debt is spiraling ominously out of control, are we spending more on our military than all the rest of the nations of the world combined?
Of course, the deeper psychological question at the heart of all this is: What are we so afraid of? Why are we trying so hard to control everything? Why can't we relax and be less fearful of the other?
And then, finally, there is this inspiring and uplifting question to ponder: Can we rediscover our ideals as a nation and learn once again how to cast that magical soft-power spell which so enthralled most of humanity in the decades after World War II?
Why not?
Kalle Lasn
Adbusters May/June 2011 – #95 – Volume 19 Number 3
I am in denial about the things i am in denial about
(depression?)
I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings about depression. A lot of help from fellow humans. Many that do not even know. One key thought today was an analogy compared to quicksand. If i find myself in depression, to viciously fight and struggle typically only makes things worse. It tends to multiply the feelings of depression with guilt and shame. I am a human being. Human after all. I will feel depressed. It is going to happen. For me, it is better to be aware of that reality, be accepting of that reality, and then let go of that feeling and get on with things. Pick some tomatoes. Call some people i care about. People that inspire me. Energize me. Listen to some daft punk. Some James Blake:
One thing i really enjoy is on Spotify there is a playlist where someone combined James Blake's album "Overgrown" with James Blake's commentary of "Overgrown." I find it really awesome and inspiring. I forget which track it is but he talks about how he feels that as a singer, when he is expressing himself through song, he is just a vessel for whatever is going on at the time. That is his reasoning for doing all his albums in one take. If he starts editing and this and that it is in some ways taking away from the expression at the time and diluting the message. I am not entirely sure how i feel about this. One thought, is that we are all capable of carrying a message from "God," we just all have different ways of expressing those messages. That is not an original thought now that i think about it. From my knowledge, that comes from a YouTube video of a live show of Jay Z at Barclays. I think i make that connection because how i became aware of James Blake was from a Jay Z interview on the Breakfast Club on YouTube. Sometimes all these little coincidences and connections are fascinating. Sometimes that is just too much to think about and it is in my best interest to move on:
Man,
So, another thing that has been on my mind:
Eh, Fuck it. Ya know?
Sometimes one wakes up
rubs the eyes for a bit
robotically, unconsciously makes some coffee
looks out the window for a bit
nibbles on some food
sits down does some stuff
drinks some coffee
time to move some bowels along
time to sing a song
time to move on
but before i forget:
at some point i have some feelings and thoughts on:
pride
positive energy vs negative energy
energizing occupation vs de-energizing occupation
expression vs suppression/repression
C O L L A B O R A T I O N
so, i would love to hear your feelings and thoughts on anything. Feelings and thoughts on above. Feelings and thoughts on whatever you are feeling and thinking.
Sometimes i find myself a bit overwhelmed. I suppose i could just write a personal journal or talk to some close, trusted friends but for whatever reason it feels good to write a blog on LP. I know and trust a lot of people on LP. It feels comfortable to write here. I do not mind posting my feelings on an open forum. Inspiration, truth, love, creativity, discussion, all these things are good.
This post is going to be a conscious effort to escape and express my feelings. I am not sure where it will go.
Actually, I may just decide to write it here and not post because i do not want to be afraid to express something.
I have a lot of fear. I have a lot of grief i am still getting through.
Damn, i am still grieving my grandmother who i loved so dearly. I miss her. Can i let go of the fact that i can no longer experience her love and care? Can i let go that i can no longer help her with her tomato garden and pick and taste the freshly ripened tomatoes? Can i let go that i will never experience another home cooked meal on her porch finished with some port and conversation serenaded with crickets and calmed by a cool summer breeze?
"Running" by Gil-Scott Heron and Jamie XX just came up on my Spotify playlist. I am good at running. Especially from my feelings. I always have been. Someone once told me, "You can always run away... the problem is you have to bring yourself." I like that. I also like this song. It might be better escape than writing so fuck this for a bit.
Ok. I am back.
Just real quick.
How do people get to a place of courage? of acceptance? of peace? of joy? of love?
I thought i got there sometimes with drugs and alcohol. That black box of wine, that bottle of Hennessey, that bottle of Jack Daniels. I give the cashier the money and i know what i am getting. It is not even really a drug dealer. They sell like toothpaste and soap and milk and cereal and deodorant and bread and butter. Oh, if it is Target they also sell some pretty reasonable paraphernalia to consume. Once consumption gets to a respectable level (or horrifying level depending on the perspective) one can just keep a decanter full and get to that heart and lungs place. That place where i do not have to feel or think. Can i let go of that place? It never truly brought me courage, acceptance, peace, joy, or love. Some nights i tried my damndest. I mean really did my best. I mean attempted to go damn near through every bottle i could get my hands on to search for the answers. To get to enlightenment. To get closer to God. Sometimes in the oblivion, in the silence, in the stillness it was close. I never found any answers but at least i did not have to feel. Of course, the consequences were horrendous. I was completely destroying my mind, body, and soul. I am still dealing with all of the wreckage and all of the surrounding emotions and feelings i now am getting better at learning how to deal with. To let go.
Women, weed, weather, gambling, HBO, Showtime, Netflix, music, powerlifting, porn, reading, writing, talking, man, so many forms of escape and expression. They all work until they don't. Dependence can be a helluva thing.
Sometimes i feel angry. Sometimes i feel guilty. Sometimes i feel pride and guilt for the same thing. I feel as if i am still grieving the loss of my job.
Can i let go driving into the mills early to meditate with a cup of coffee as the sun rises over Lake Michigan? Can i let go of all the people i laughed with and worked with to be of service to a community? Can i let go of that apartment and all that cool stuff and my kind of town Chicago?
Damn. Is there ever peace, love, joy, enlightenment going down the rabbit hole of a "Taking a bath, you should come over" text? Trent Reznor has a song i really like about that. Getting closer to God. Yeah, probably another one of those things that works until it doesn't. Can i let that go? Can i let go that i will never have sex, drugs, and rock n' roll ever again? 1 day at a time?
The progression of mutual attraction, love, and spiritual partnership is a beautiful thing. That is something to aspire to.
There are definitely better ways to escape than getting high on JOI porn and skeeting into a towel. I feel some shame and humiliation for that. That is one occupation i can definitely let go.
Sometimes i do feel lonely though. I feel bored. I feel depressed. I feel that feeling those things are ok. It is just about finding the best ways to escape and express those feelings, hopefully, without suppressing too much to get to those places of acceptance, peace, serenity, courage, joy, love, wholeness, closeness.
"Oh, and I say it again, you've been had. You've been took. You've been hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Led astray. Run amok!" - Malcolm X
Reasons to watch this video:
- John Olliver is fucking hilarious and shares news based in truth, fairness, and goodness.
- Billionaire owners negotiate hundreds of millions out of taxpayers to build stadiums for hundreds of millions in revenue that gets cut up 100% owner, 0% taxpayer
Anyone ever take a shit so good they took some time to enjoy a post-bowell movement smoke?
Man, so I was at this restaurant with some bomb ass home made, perfectly warm bread pudding with ice cream. Great coffee too. Tough not to think about a cig in that situation.
I will not even bring up the post-coital smoke with the (non-existant, fuck my life) bad bitch on instagram straight flexin.
My blood pressure and health was on point last checkup. It is a good thing I do not live in Paris.
What about the greenest endo leaf?
Do Medical Doctors, MD prescribe kush for anxiety, depression, bipolar out in places that are awesome?
Time to drink some more Monsters.
Peace, Love, and Tolerance
RiKD
ps Tolstoy is the shit. So, is Nabokov. So, is Flaubert.
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