sup

So, one thing I have been thinking about. I got a pretty great haircut. Bravo to the stylist. A great haircut is one of those things that just seems to improve life. I feel better about myself, it feels like other people feel better about me in one of those continuous loops that seems to raise confidence and attractiveness. I think haircut and shoes are 2 things that really have a big impact. But, then I am thinking this is superficial. I am not my haircut. Am I really spending this time in the morning in the mirror. There is a life that we are all living though. And, in this life, there are things that matter to different people. So, I can understand the viewpoint that we are all energy and this energy may do this or that in our lifetimes and do this or that post our lifetimes. But, in this lifetime when that energy is contained by organs and flesh and bone and shoes, and coats, and haircuts and their are people that care about the symmetry of that flesh and bones and ...

Man, why are shoes sexy? Why? Are they a window to the soul? It's really crazy. Shoes and haircuts. I can't take shoes and haircuts with me but they do improve my life in my current reincarnation. Not that I believe in that I am just thinking in my mind on how I disagree with certain buddhists. Going the shoe and haircut route and exchanging some great eye contact and conversation with that spark for where could this go? No, no, no, just stay in that magical moment. Those eyes, those lips, that voice. Yet, it is also important not to fixate. I think that initial eye contact and feeling mutual attraction and eye dilation is setting off that dopamine. Best drug on the planet. But, is she smart? Is she funny? Is she as sweet as honey? The mystery is beautiful. Why would I give that up for robes and meditation? I can still meditate. Fucking as meditation... No, no no no, I mean yes but no. I have to watch it when I mix drugs as meditation. Dopamine. Flow.

That is another thing I was thinking about. I have a past that haunts me. I have facts about myself that haunt me. One of my good friends was telling me one day about how the goal is to get acceptance with everything. EVERYTHING. Freedom comes in not being haunted by anything from the past. I think one of the reasons I am feeling good today is that I am ok with a lot of my past. Not ok enough to just air it all out on the internet but ok with it. It comes back and stabs me sometimes. Especially if I think in terms of "well, what if x, y, or z would know about that" and I get tight again. But, acceptance is not a permanent state from my experiences.

I don't know why I obsess about the who is me aspect. Branding, and marketing has had such a pronounced effect in my life unconsciously and sub-consciously. I think it is good to be aware of this.

Getting back into jiu jitsu is always a positive. It makes me humble. It makes me humble to realize I am made up of joints and carotid arteries. I am vulnerable. In this reincarnation I am vulnerable. I can easily get injured or die. I do not know what will happen after that. I do know serenity is available in this consciousness. Another thing BJJ does is it makes me more confident in my ability to handle myself. So, yes, I am really vulnerable and this body is not the best of armor against the powers of the universe which is humbling. But, I do have a lot of practice in battles "to the death," I am in pretty good shape. Being in shape and handling oneself are both positive attributes in any tribe.

I also just wanted to add that I currently live with my parents and am somewhat unhappily driving Uber to cover expenses and it is disheartening that I do not really like driving Uber and that that income will not get me out of my parents' home + covering expected expenses. These are some things that haunt me. I am honest with everyone about these things including women I am attracted to and I would say my life is definitely better as the result of honesty. Living with my parents definitely hurts my chances with women but being honest about that fact does not, if that makes sense.

I am unsure if I want to go down a more machine learning engineer route, go back to school for a philosophy PhD, go back to school to become a therapist, or just continue driving Uber and applying to jobs I am just not all that excited about. There are certainly some other options that is just what came to mind at this moment.

hmmmm, that might be it for now. Time to click post, no edits, fuck it.

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Tyler Durden, super hero, anti-hero. I was just thinking how it is ironic that anti-materialistic, squatting Tyler Durden is dressed by a personal stylist. One scene deriding underwear models, the next more shredded, and sculpted than any Michelangelo. It is mixed messages. It is fantasy. I now know some people who have been homeless and that have squatted. It is not as glamorous as the moving pictures make it out to be from their stories.

Where am I going with this?

I am in this weird space of wanting monk like serenity but being hooked on dope. I am spending too much on clothes. I am a slave. I am not a personal stylist and thrift stores are not all that great. I need to wear clothes though. It is illegal not to. It is getting cold. It is getting rainy and soon to be slushy and icy. I do not want to follow the whims of any industry but there are certain taste makers that I am drawn to. I went through a period where I literally just grabbed the first thing I saw and ran with it. That was pretty cool. I do not want to start having to mix and match all this stuff all the time causing unneeded anxiety.

Anyways,

I want to talk more about fantasy. I watched Eyes Wide Shut a while ago. Really cool movie imo. I love Kubrick. It sent me on a wild adventure through pornography. I became cool with some of my darker fantasies. Then I realized it was becoming an obsession. I have been celibate from everything since. There are times where my purpose in life becomes chasing fantasy, chasing dreams. This has gotten me in trouble in the past. There were times when I reached the fantasy/dream and was left almost numb. I suppose it is like what Socrates says: Happiness is the pursuit of happiness.

I do not think I could ever go full monk. I think it is weird how much worship the buddhists give to their spiritual teachers. I also think it is weird that many spiritual teachers are chosen as children. I also believe in love. I believe in companionship. It may mean suffering but many things lead to suffering. Perhaps, meditating and helping people all day does not lead to suffering but that is a large leap to take.

One thing I have found is that it is very difficult living on monk'ish principles in the USA. I am constantly being bombarded by messages and signals. My third eye gets tired.

I was talking to a Parisian the other day. It came out in conversation that I have a fantasy of moving to Paris, winning a Parisian girlfriend, learning French, and enjoying the city. He wisely and soberly mentioned I would need a job offer in hand. That is truth. Many times I like living outside of truth. Imagination is more fun than reality.

One of my fantasies is to have a 3 some with a red-haired Rihanna and red-haired Nikki Minaj. I thought that was a good one. A kind of Eyes Wide Shut remix. I also have a fantasy to have a harem of women. Hand picked based on fantasy compatibility. I would design their outfit. Then time to have fun.

It is time for me to go now. That was definitely my thoughts at the time.

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So, today I was driving through a somewhat happening area of the city I live in. I had a bit of the training high going and put in some Benny Bennassi. I was thinking how crazy it is how music works. I had not had any inclination to listen for maybe years and I heard a mention of him in a podcast recently and get kind of a good feeling for it and threw some on. It was awesome.

Anyways, so I am driving by this nice restaurant and catch a glimpse of this very attractive female all fashioned up and then see the boyfriend who is also very well dressed and has a luxury car. My immediate thought went to "Fuck, I need to get rich and read GQs and acquire fancy stuff." Thankfully, my next response was to laugh it off but it is crazy how that knee jerk reaction is still there. It boggles my mind how entrenched some of those thought patterns are. I did that chase for many years. It did not end well. I think what makes it worse though is that while I could never sustain a sort of lavish lifestyle on say an annual basis I have been there for moments, days, months on many different occasions. My experience is that can be pretty cool. A certain type of woman is on it and many women in general flock. Not to say that I did not have more than my share of failures and then the self-pity and all that bad stuff. Actually I have had a lot of failures. Going back to the Bennassi and the daters, I think it actually triggered back in the day when I would be in the club not feeling quite good enough. Always wanting more. Poker was a great job for acquiring money and scaling up and also having quite a lot of freedom. I had a lot of fun and really value the people I got to meet and adventures. When I busted out of poker I was lost. I do not know why I still carried this dying will for the material. I went after this sales job I got with a vengeance. I was so delusional. I got promoted to the Chicago region and had visions of penthouses in Lincoln Park. I was living in the suburbs/farmland south of Gary, IN. Instead of accepting the good job I had and quality people I would speed up to Chicago constantly to shop, eat, and party. I would stay in luxury hotels when many of my friends had a surplus of offered accommodations. All that stuff about wanting more in sales, material, everything progressively got worse. My alcoholism did too.

Ok. That got kind of rambly. The point that I am thinking of is that it is very important to know who I am and know what I want to do (purpose). I am still learning. It changes. It progresses. Find a right size in this world.

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Doug Stanhope should be taught in schools worldwide.

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So, I have been pondering questions like this. What exactly do people do on a Tuesday night?

I was talking to some people the other day. The idea came up that many times we are all just looking for some ease and comfort. Many times life does not abide. Not that life is constantly providing difficulty and discomfort which it surely can but those moments that are just like erggghhh. Many among us go to the cell phones. Flipping through whatever the fuck ever is better than sitting someplace silently surely?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately though. Most likely because I have plenty of time to. I am unable to work at the moment and lost my license. Recipe for having more time than I know what to do with.

What about the times I get finished with a task and then there is like 15-30 min. before I have to be somewhere, do something?

I was going to go through my Tuesday night today but I will save it. Highlight was caving to some Diablo III action, realizing I needed to update my OS X, getting tired of how long it was taking to download, hemming and hawing, reading some Game of Thrones, hemming and hawing and deciding to watch that new Mission Impossible.

I do not know what I am looking for. I realize I do not know a lot of things.

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Comments (21)

Why do I write? Why do I write on here?

...

I do not know. But, maybe I do.

It seems that I write because I need to. Would I need to if I was busy doing something else?

But, what if I do not want to do something else?

Why do I write on here?

Habit?

I mean it would likely be better to just keep a private journal and just steer clear of criticism good and bad. Part of me thinks I need some sense of skin in the game. It is nice when I get some cool suggestions too. That might be my ideal. I post rubbish and drivel and then everyone posts awesome pieces of music and art and dope shit. I do not know how to express an all encompassing phrase like "dope shit" other than "dope shit."

Speaking of dope shit how awesome is autumn?

Any time I look at a birch tree and a japanese maple I think about how much of an amazing show Game of Thrones is. I would pray to a birch tree with blood red japanese maple leaves.




I do not just want to write though. I just want to express. Again, it is like I need to. I lose my mind if I don't.

Oh well, Thank you LP for letting me shit some stuff out. I am unsure what this website is for me anymore. I miss it in a way. I do not gamble in casinos or play video games anymore. I don't watch UFC. I prefer not to discuss news online. Ohhh, Party Pooper.

I do hope all is well with people. Everything in its right place. As dope as Radiohead. Hail to the l337.

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Ibn Abbad, from my understanding, was a spiritual man born and raised in Spain that moved to Morocco to study and practice Islam in the 1300s. If anyone wants to know more Google it or go to a library or something. (The Holy Man Abu Abdallah Mahammad ben Ibrahim ben Abbad ar Rundi)

So, this passage is described by a friend of Ibn's who is ALSO NAMED IBN. FUCK! (Ibn Qunfund).

Man, I do not even know how many translations it went through because this passage is from a book by Thomas Merton titled "Raids On The Unspeakable." Thomas Merton, from my experiences, is dope as fuck. He just went off to Kentucky to live in a Catholic Monastery and express himself. Raises questions to is that a viable way to live life? Not sure if I would be cool with that but then I am watching Game of Thrones and Arya is progressing into No One and that shit is brackin'.

Anyways, from "Raids On The Unspeakable," by Thomas Merton, pp. 147:

Letter to a Sufi Who Has Abandoned Sufism to Study Law

Well, my friend, you prefer jurisprudence to contemplation!
If you intend to spend your time collecting authorities and precedents
What advice do you want from me?
I can tell you this: each man, today,
Gets what he wants,
Except that no one has discovered a really perfect
Way to kill time.
Those who do not have to work for a living
Are engrossed in every kind of nonsense,
And those who must gain their livelihood
Are so absorbed in this that they
Have time for nothing else.
As to finding someone capable of spiritual life
Ready to do work that is clean of passion
And inordinate desire
Done only for love of Allah-
This is a way of life in which no one is interested
Except a few who have received the special
Mercy of Allah.
Are you aware of this? Are you sure of your condition?
Well then, go ahead with your books of Law,
It will make little difference whether you do this
Or something else equally trivial.
You will gain nothing by it, and perhaps lose nothing:
You will have found a way to kill time.
As you say: you prefer to spend your time doing things you are used to.
Drunkards and lechers would agree:
They follow the same principle.

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"To put it bluntly, the discipline of economics has yet to get over its childish passion for mathematics and for purely theoretical and often highly ideological speculation, at the expense of historical research and collaboration with the other social sciences. Economists are all too often preoccupied with petty mathematical problems of interest only to themselves. This obsession with mathematics is an easy way of acquiring the appearance of scientifically without having to answer the far more complex questions posed by the world we live in."

- Thomas Piketty, Adbusters, Blueprint for a New World V: Politico, Nov/Dec 2014 - #116 - Vol. 22 No. 6

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At this historic moment, as climate-change-induced resource wars appear imminent and spontaneous revolutionary fervor is erupting around the world, it would be good for the people of America, and those who want to be America, to do a bit of soul searching. It would be wise to take this opportunity to ask some fundamental questions about US foreign policy which are continually ignored. Why do we maintain an all-but-irreversible worldwide system of over 1,000 military bases, stations and outposts? Why do our troops serve on the soil of 175 of 192 member states of the United Nations? And why, at a time when our national debt is spiraling ominously out of control, are we spending more on our military than all the rest of the nations of the world combined?

Of course, the deeper psychological question at the heart of all this is: What are we so afraid of? Why are we trying so hard to control everything? Why can't we relax and be less fearful of the other?

And then, finally, there is this inspiring and uplifting question to ponder: Can we rediscover our ideals as a nation and learn once again how to cast that magical soft-power spell which so enthralled most of humanity in the decades after World War II?

Why not?

Kalle Lasn
Adbusters May/June 2011 – #95 – Volume 19 Number 3

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Comments (23)

Hi All,

I don't know (denial?)

denial?

I am in denial about the things i am in denial about

(depression?)

I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings about depression. A lot of help from fellow humans. Many that do not even know. One key thought today was an analogy compared to quicksand. If i find myself in depression, to viciously fight and struggle typically only makes things worse. It tends to multiply the feelings of depression with guilt and shame. I am a human being. Human after all. I will feel depressed. It is going to happen. For me, it is better to be aware of that reality, be accepting of that reality, and then let go of that feeling and get on with things. Pick some tomatoes. Call some people i care about. People that inspire me. Energize me. Listen to some daft punk. Some James Blake:

One thing i really enjoy is on Spotify there is a playlist where someone combined James Blake's album "Overgrown" with James Blake's commentary of "Overgrown." I find it really awesome and inspiring. I forget which track it is but he talks about how he feels that as a singer, when he is expressing himself through song, he is just a vessel for whatever is going on at the time. That is his reasoning for doing all his albums in one take. If he starts editing and this and that it is in some ways taking away from the expression at the time and diluting the message. I am not entirely sure how i feel about this. One thought, is that we are all capable of carrying a message from "God," we just all have different ways of expressing those messages. That is not an original thought now that i think about it. From my knowledge, that comes from a YouTube video of a live show of Jay Z at Barclays. I think i make that connection because how i became aware of James Blake was from a Jay Z interview on the Breakfast Club on YouTube. Sometimes all these little coincidences and connections are fascinating. Sometimes that is just too much to think about and it is in my best interest to move on:

Man,

So, another thing that has been on my mind:

Eh, Fuck it. Ya know?

Sometimes one wakes up
rubs the eyes for a bit
robotically, unconsciously makes some coffee
looks out the window for a bit
nibbles on some food
sits down does some stuff
drinks some coffee
time to move some bowels along
time to sing a song
time to move on


but before i forget:

at some point i have some feelings and thoughts on:

pride
positive energy vs negative energy
energizing occupation vs de-energizing occupation
expression vs suppression/repression
C O L L A B O R A T I O N

so, i would love to hear your feelings and thoughts on anything. Feelings and thoughts on above. Feelings and thoughts on whatever you are feeling and thinking.

Love,

RiKD

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