So, I am back home. I was out of town for about a month. Good times. I am still feeling a little disoriented being back home. For the last month I was around people and pretty active doing a lot of things. Now, some of my days have felt like pulling teeth. I realize this is my fault. I feel a bit disjointed with some of my friends. I have to be consistent with keeping up my relationships. Today, I meant to call a friend that we usually hang out and catch dinner but instead I got caught watching ASL. Now, I am at home on a Friday night (although I can still go out later). Again, I have to figure out how I am going to make money. It is a necessity and it is something that would occupy some of this pulling teeth time. Hopefully, less pulling teeth than pulling teeth time. But, I have written plenty on that so:
Brood war. I have really been enjoying these ASL matches. I more or less missed out on BW. I remember my brother playing it a lot. I did not end up playing it for whatever reason. I did get big into Warcraft 3. If I were to guess it was because I was obsessed with lacrosse in high school and then I did not have lacrosse. Getting better at Warcraft 3 I realized that a lot of people came from BW and many liked BW more. I remember watching Boxer replays and being like holy shit. I messed around with it but always came back to Warcraft 3. It was my goal to go pro. I got close in some WCG stuff but never close to pro whatsoever but it was through Warcraft 3 I heard about poker. It was through my forays into BW that I knew about Team Liquid and I lucked out on timing and got some corroboration. I first heard that Tillerman was doing well in poker and then team liquid were many more cases. That sparked the inspiration that it could be done. I was on Liquid Poker since day 1. Putzed around with $25 on Party Poker. Decided to get serious with $150 on Stars. Those were some good times. Findagrind times. What a time times. I was so lucky but it was also not a question that that is how I was going to make some money.
I am flashbacking a lot on all sorts of stuff. I have urges to hook up the ole desktop and find a good mouse and dick around with some BW again. It would be ugly but it may be crackalicious. It is just nice to watch the ASL and the level of skill there. I remember thinking that the best BW players may be better than anyone at their craft. They spend more intense time than anyone? I guess poker players spend a lot of time playing as well. A 50 yr old surgeon has to be pretty boss at what they do. A 60 yr old consultant who has spent 40 years in the field and still has energy has to be a beast.
That was kind of weird how I just started getting flashbacks on random things regarding Warcraft 3, BW, and poker. There were times I was absolutely loving life playing Warcraft 3 like 12+ hours a day and that game sucks comparatively to BW. I remember some of my roommates had an intervention on me with my poker playing. It probably was not a bad idea with the amount I was playing but I remember I was murdering $1/2 at the time and it really felt like I was rich. $400/hr over some samples is pretty damn rich, damn. I remember the jolt in confidence that was. Now, I just want to be decent at BW and play some BW games and watch ASL. All these years later and I am still looking for the unconventional way to make some money. Besides a stint at a large corporation (which did not go well) unconventional is all I know. Yet, it just feels like those wells have dried up. All the wells have dried up. The walls are closing in sometimes and I just do not know what to do. I am looking for escape. Escape that will likely not bring me closer to where I want to be. But, I do not know if where I want to be is the place for me. There is a saying, "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." I just don't think God has a plan for me. Shit happens and then you die. Well, I don't want shit and I don't want to die. Where is inspiration? Where is motivation? Where is peace?
Ahhh, a bundle of Monet lily pads. That calms me down. But, then I think about the $400 in painting supplies I spent to paint a fourth of a painting. I need first person VODs people. How does Flash do it?
I write this on the eve of the day I drive back home from Charleston, SC. Quite a trip it has been. I am back in the pleasure trap baby! That is half serious exclamation for the added enjoyment of food and half sarcasm in that is what the trap entails. I was going to link a vid but just youtube it if you are interested. Cliff notes is that I am loving all the food I can at the moment and am compelled to eat that food. I am talking shrimp and grits, fried chicken, burgers and fries, red curry fried duck, lobster mac and cheese. Oh, it is delicious. Charleston is a fantastically, exceptionally, amazingly excellent city for food. I highly recommend a visit. I was walking on the beach just about every day in January. The architecture downtown is to splooge for. je ne sais quoi out the whazoo. Best ironwork in the USA.
What am I contemplating? How good the fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and collard greens were tonight. As I tried to enjoy the key lime pie, news that my brother's father in law was in poor poor condition. He had a serious stroke and it has been a roller coaster ride for my brother's wife and mother and my brother too. Myself? I just wanted to enjoy the continued gaiety of the evening with a piece of pie. That was over, that was ruined. My mom is now upset. I want to say something stupid like "Jim Morrison always said none of us get out of this alive." I am upset that my brother and my sister in law and her mother are upset. From my perspective, this is existence. It is rough though. The roller coaster of surviving the first major stroke and brain surgery and hope. Hope can be such a double edged sword. Hope that he will survive only to find countless blood clots and a temperature of 104. None of us get out of this alive. Our order can be shaken at any moment. Chaos is waiting around any corner, nook, and cranny. Robotically I eat my key lime pie. It was not a celebration of the senses as I would have hoped. More so a systematic endeavor mixed with some tension in my body and the air. My brother's father in law is going to die. Most likely sooner rather than later. This sucks. Everybody grieves in different ways. Denial is strong. Very strong. It is like some giant, bad ass gundam with missiles and giant swords and a bad attitude. It can be overcome. Acceptance is like looking out from a peak onto a magical Shangri La of fairies and dragons and butterflies and discovering where the next path is. A blow job from the high elf priestess with the gifted lips and eyes that was looking your way, yes! of course!
I need to get a decent enough job and move out of my parents' place. That was some clarity from the peak for me. It has to be a part of my path. Or else no blowjobs! High priestess or otherwise! Getting a decent job seems like a bit of a ridiculous thing to be a dragon for me but I must slay this dragon, however, difficult it has been. I enjoy a bit of chaos though. Always have. I am excited at the prospects of moving to Charleston. I am also excited to get back home and see some friends. This world we live in. So, many choices or none at all. It is quite the choose your own adventure or a choose your own adventure already written. Ah fuck, I do not want to get into that here. I have more reading to do on free will. This is all virtual reality. I just have to get through it like anyone else. Love and understanding for my fellow man is all I can do. Man, if i can just slice off a piece of some peace. Much in this world arrives, drifts, then dissipates. That is my fate. Led by the fates. Led by the muses. Who chooses?
It has been a while since I have been to Vegas. I think the last time was 2008 for New Year's Eve. Besides Aria and city center stuff and name changes and upgrades it has not changed much. It is funny how little details and memories creep in. I am actually staying in the same hotel I stayed in the first time I was here in 2006. It is the same table I was grinding out $2/4 on Ket's laptop and sweated crazy insane $3/6 games with Ket, Mez, Vaesolis. It was in this hotel I created my FullTilt Poker name. I ate at the same Chipotle today that I did when we debated whether or not TJBentham could eat 2 or 3 Chipotle burritos in a sitting. Oh, the tilting $17 gym charge. The pho place is no longer around. Right across the street is the first live casino poker I ever played at the Venetian. I was drinking red bulls and treating it like the big game. I miss that enthusiasm. I played a bit today and just nothing. I thought I would get a bit of the rush but just nothing. I have not played live poker in ages and there is a reason for it. I just laugh at that kid excited to play a marathon session but oh do I miss it. Getting dealt aces, flopping top set, missing your draw and a good bluff river card hitting, cutting out the chips but it just was not happening tonight. I quickly was wishing the Venetian had Baccarat where I can peel the cards to destruction. I would walk to the Wynn but it is freezing cold out with the wind chill. The wind is gusting like Gus Hanson's machismo after winning a poker tourney.
If I am not playing poker for an income there is nothing there. Since I have kind of gotten to the point of not playing poker for an income it is the reason I never play poker. I was just rusty. Made some pretty poor weak tight plays which pissed me off. Made some noob live plays. There was money to be made but I felt silly sitting there grinding out a live 1/2 game if there is no entertainment value and then boom, like I said, I instantly wanted to get dealt a face card and then get to sweat a 4 across. That might be my favorite gambling situation now.
There are definitely a lot of attractive women around. This has jolted my libido. There are parts of me that want to be inside a women. There are also parts of me that wished I could drink. I am in just a weird celibacy mode where the prospects of having sex are slim even though I am in Vegas for a wedding. Another thing I noticed is that the attractiveness in the Bellagio is quite a lot higher than in Treasure Island. Vegas has always been a great city for sexy. It has also always been a great city for spending a lot of money. Room service wants $30 for some pancakes and a pot of coffee. That is the first thing that jumped out at me. I will not go on. I just thought it was weird for me to write about the spending a lot of money thing and then just leave it disjointed.
Jordan Peterson says writing helps with the thought processes. I am working on his future authoring project that he talked about on the Joe Rogan Podcast. I would say it has helped out tremendously for me. I may or may not be more lost than anyone else. I had some epiphany like moments where some stuff just became clear to me. Some stuff I did not necessarily know or ever know.
Fuck, I have like 2 hours until my brother and sister get into town. Everyone else is on a bar crawl that I thought about going on but what am I going to do on a bar crawl sober with a bunch of 21-24 yr old party animals? Time to google: "Where can I play baccarat and destroy cards?" or just deal with it and get some blackjack in. If I do not watch out I am going to be throwing my own pity party if it has not already begun. Food is my solace. I just had the thought to Uber out to Naked Fish or try out Firefly or go back to Fix. Mmmmmm, mac n cheese, Bobby Baldwin burger, and lobster tacos. I can not wait to get to Bouchon for brunch on Sunday. I have had thoughts of checking out to see if I can get a croissant for breakfast at the bakery.
So, a bunch of people are staying in TI. We need stuff within walking distance. Bouchon is closed (some of us will be going for Sunday brunch). Carnevino may be too expensive and non-casual. We are mostly looking for casual. Something I can wear some jeans to.
Some study out of Harvard came up with 4 things that will lead to happiness and contentment:
- Time spent with people one cares about
- Helping others
- Exercise
- Being grateful
I know a guy who denigrated that and said who needs Harvard, his grandmother knew that. Maybe he is right. Maybe he resents education because he does not have any formal education and has illusions that everything can be learned "on the streets."
I bring it up because yesterday reminded me of it. I spent time with family and moved furniture all day. I had some toast and almond butter and bananas and coffee for breakfast. I had a nice shit. I had a panera salad for lunch. I ate some amazing chaana masala for dinner. I watched "The Green Room" and then went to sleep. That was it.
Nothing too exciting. Nothing too euphoric. I did not bang any dimes while doing cocaine and viagra but the day brought me serenity and contentment. The Amish might get it to some extent. In many ways no but getting together and building a barn and having a good meal that is a great day.
Now, I just sit in an empty house typing up a blog looking to fill up the hours. The existential spectre haunts me. I am not specifically thinking about death or the emptiness of the universe but I realize it is there, standing over me like the ghost of Christmas future. Well, at least I have groceries to get. Well, I can perhaps meet with those people there. I can take a shower and do my hair. A little bit of vanity can pass the time. It is so quiet. I long for the days of figuring out how to get that huge couch upstairs and breaking a sweat. Words of encouragement and high fives. Oh, I have a left over samosa. Nice. I need some more coffee.
Ahhh, coffee. A shit and some coffee this feels like a blank new page. I hit the reset button. Wrath of God, Armageddon. "Jesus will save us." Nope. Now, Jesus was a good man... decent mythology... No, I do not want to go down that road right now.
*RiKD plays another Armageddon*
I typically only have 1 shit in me and have a full coffee so what is a man supposed to do?
Magic was a great game. It probably still is. I really loved X-Men comics. I was not the biggest fan of the most recent X-Men movie. Sometimes I do not like to let my nerd side show so much but it is a part of me. I delivered pizzas to a games shop that were playing some sort of tabletop miniature wargame. The nerd was strong in there. More power to them it is probably time better spent than writing a bunch of shit in a blog but I remember thinking I am like a fake nerd to these guys. "X-Men LOL." "Magic LOL." Although I did briefly play Warhammer and painted all my guys but we built lands and played in my friend's basement. That game was expensive.
While writing this it did not feel like the house was empty. I was not thinking about the house. I was not thinking about anything except for what I was thinking. Thinking and writing. Thinking and writing.
I figured firing off a blog would be more fun than going to a shitty 12-step abstinence based recovery meeting or watching New Girl. If anyone has any must watch TV Shows I might be interested. I am talking like The Wire good, Game of Thrones good. That is pretty good. I may have just opened up a can of worms. I do not really want to be overwhelmed with tv shows. What about Stranger Things? I hear good things.
On 12-step abstinence based recovery:
I am still a little surprised I went through with it. I really was that desperate. That broken. It is undeniable I have had a psychic change. The folks in the fellowship get testy if I say it was not God. It can be if I can define God. The loophole in the steps is that it is "God as you understand him." The literature is from 1939. It is based on the Oxford Group which was a Christian fellowship. Thank GOD that Carl Jung was involved. I would totally be down to experiment with shrooms plus therapy. Have a guided trip every 6 months or so and be good. Although I would still have to learn how to live. I am unsure if there can be as profound a psychic change on shrooms alone. Therapy guided MDMA. I would totally be down for that too. That might be able to solve anything.
On Trentemoller:
Trentemoller is great. Take me into your skin. The last resort.
I think about immigrating to Denmark a lot. Norway, Sweden, Germany, France, Canada, New Zealand. I think about it more now.
We will see though. I have been in a rut as they say. Things are looking up. I got some work. I have some renewed vigor in a more focused job search that makes more sense for me. This could all crash down like anything can crash down. I will always be drifting whether I am occupied in endeavors that distract me from that or not.
No You Girls - Trentemoller remix is another great song.
On (no you) girls:
I maintain having a great haircut and shoes is crucial... Crucial is a total exaggeration. It is weird how different things work for different people in different settings though. I would say those 2 things are universal though. Having a cool job, cool life, and cool place is obviously way more important (doh). It is all about being right sized though. Finding a good fit in some social spheres and matching up with some good fits. I have always found it is good to be a little different. Never conform to a social sphere. Just be who you are and sort of drift into that social sphere. Being in the right one is crucial. That is not an exaggeration.
On exercise:
I need to get some more exercise in. I feel so good. Endrophins: Feels Good Man. I been going to some muay thai. That is all well and good buy I am not the biggest fan of holding pads. I got front kicked in the nuts the other day and that was horrible. I think I might stick with it though. It is good training and some of the combo opportunities are pretty sweet. I am also eating too much. Like ton of pizza and 2 lbs of grapes. Overload on hummus and chips.
How awesome is Thom Yorke?
The White Flash ft. Thom Yorke - Trentemoller remix - Modeselektor
On LP Archives:
I got caught browsing through old posts on here. It was fun.
Aba joins CR!
Old school discussions on Jimmy Johns!
vino y verde y daft punk
That was revolutionary for me. Still probably my 3 favorite drugs. I can at least still use one of them.
The drama of the New Years 2008 thread.
The exceptionalness of the Looks or Game thread. What an odyssey. What a masterpiece.
Looking through there in some ways I have changed tremendously in many ways not that much at all. We were just a bunch of nerdy kids man just having a blast. At least I was. I think in many ways I still am that nerdy kid. I love coming here for distraction. My life is probably going better if I am not on here as much but that is subjective. It is hard to even judge when my life is going better or not. From my experience, it certainly can not be judged externally. It is also difficult to judge in the moment or looking back. Minds have a way of playing tricks. One day's truth is another day's delusion.
Trentemoller - Vamp
Oh my goodness. Rose McGowan in cat woman latex. Where to go from there? You be the judge.
Now, I can't get sultry images out of my mind. Biological urge to procreate + the nature of thought. Those themes seem to always make it into my blogs.
Fuck God, fuck government, fuck bitches, get money...
Fuck God, fuck government, fuck women, help people.
Just my thoughts. Not right now because that already happened. Right now.... damn. RIGHT NOW.... nope.
Just my thoughts at the time. Just my thoughts. Are they my thoughts?
Their are likely my brains thoughts. Ugh. Why did I start this. The brain fires, I have a thought. What makes the brain fire? What makes the brain fire in the way that it does to produce the thoughts that it produces?
I will end with Trentemoller - Miss You. Last resort.
Thank you if you are awesome. You lucky piece of... If you are not awesome I am here to help. Not sure how much help I can offer but I am here to help.
Have a body? Wear clothes. Lots of clothes. Accessorize. Color coordinate. Go shopping. Whet your appetite.
Have a place to live? Fill it up with stuff! Home furnishings! Take a trip through the IKEA maze! Are there hayrides and pumpkins? Not yet.
Am I an untruth living hypocrite if I take money to further this cause?
I am not even meditating any more. I won't even go too much in depth into the thoughts because Sam Harris and buddhists and others have that shit down. I will say it was amazing in meditation to literally catch when a thought arises and watch it dissipate. So many times in life I have a thought and then like a flood of thoughts and I forget that they just happen and then they disappear. Many times thoughts are not real. They are perhaps based in some sense of reality but that does not make them true. How do we know if they are real and true? That is something I hope to work on. Maybe some of ya'll can help.
So, one thing I have been thinking about. I got a pretty great haircut. Bravo to the stylist. A great haircut is one of those things that just seems to improve life. I feel better about myself, it feels like other people feel better about me in one of those continuous loops that seems to raise confidence and attractiveness. I think haircut and shoes are 2 things that really have a big impact. But, then I am thinking this is superficial. I am not my haircut. Am I really spending this time in the morning in the mirror. There is a life that we are all living though. And, in this life, there are things that matter to different people. So, I can understand the viewpoint that we are all energy and this energy may do this or that in our lifetimes and do this or that post our lifetimes. But, in this lifetime when that energy is contained by organs and flesh and bone and shoes, and coats, and haircuts and their are people that care about the symmetry of that flesh and bones and ...
Man, why are shoes sexy? Why? Are they a window to the soul? It's really crazy. Shoes and haircuts. I can't take shoes and haircuts with me but they do improve my life in my current reincarnation. Not that I believe in that I am just thinking in my mind on how I disagree with certain buddhists. Going the shoe and haircut route and exchanging some great eye contact and conversation with that spark for where could this go? No, no, no, just stay in that magical moment. Those eyes, those lips, that voice. Yet, it is also important not to fixate. I think that initial eye contact and feeling mutual attraction and eye dilation is setting off that dopamine. Best drug on the planet. But, is she smart? Is she funny? Is she as sweet as honey? The mystery is beautiful. Why would I give that up for robes and meditation? I can still meditate. Fucking as meditation... No, no no no, I mean yes but no. I have to watch it when I mix drugs as meditation. Dopamine. Flow.
That is another thing I was thinking about. I have a past that haunts me. I have facts about myself that haunt me. One of my good friends was telling me one day about how the goal is to get acceptance with everything. EVERYTHING. Freedom comes in not being haunted by anything from the past. I think one of the reasons I am feeling good today is that I am ok with a lot of my past. Not ok enough to just air it all out on the internet but ok with it. It comes back and stabs me sometimes. Especially if I think in terms of "well, what if x, y, or z would know about that" and I get tight again. But, acceptance is not a permanent state from my experiences.
I don't know why I obsess about the who is me aspect. Branding, and marketing has had such a pronounced effect in my life unconsciously and sub-consciously. I think it is good to be aware of this.
Getting back into jiu jitsu is always a positive. It makes me humble. It makes me humble to realize I am made up of joints and carotid arteries. I am vulnerable. In this reincarnation I am vulnerable. I can easily get injured or die. I do not know what will happen after that. I do know serenity is available in this consciousness. Another thing BJJ does is it makes me more confident in my ability to handle myself. So, yes, I am really vulnerable and this body is not the best of armor against the powers of the universe which is humbling. But, I do have a lot of practice in battles "to the death," I am in pretty good shape. Being in shape and handling oneself are both positive attributes in any tribe.
I also just wanted to add that I currently live with my parents and am somewhat unhappily driving Uber to cover expenses and it is disheartening that I do not really like driving Uber and that that income will not get me out of my parents' home + covering expected expenses. These are some things that haunt me. I am honest with everyone about these things including women I am attracted to and I would say my life is definitely better as the result of honesty. Living with my parents definitely hurts my chances with women but being honest about that fact does not, if that makes sense.
I am unsure if I want to go down a more machine learning engineer route, go back to school for a philosophy PhD, go back to school to become a therapist, or just continue driving Uber and applying to jobs I am just not all that excited about. There are certainly some other options that is just what came to mind at this moment.
hmmmm, that might be it for now. Time to click post, no edits, fuck it.
Tyler Durden, super hero, anti-hero. I was just thinking how it is ironic that anti-materialistic, squatting Tyler Durden is dressed by a personal stylist. One scene deriding underwear models, the next more shredded, and sculpted than any Michelangelo. It is mixed messages. It is fantasy. I now know some people who have been homeless and that have squatted. It is not as glamorous as the moving pictures make it out to be from their stories.
Where am I going with this?
I am in this weird space of wanting monk like serenity but being hooked on dope. I am spending too much on clothes. I am a slave. I am not a personal stylist and thrift stores are not all that great. I need to wear clothes though. It is illegal not to. It is getting cold. It is getting rainy and soon to be slushy and icy. I do not want to follow the whims of any industry but there are certain taste makers that I am drawn to. I went through a period where I literally just grabbed the first thing I saw and ran with it. That was pretty cool. I do not want to start having to mix and match all this stuff all the time causing unneeded anxiety.
Anyways,
I want to talk more about fantasy. I watched Eyes Wide Shut a while ago. Really cool movie imo. I love Kubrick. It sent me on a wild adventure through pornography. I became cool with some of my darker fantasies. Then I realized it was becoming an obsession. I have been celibate from everything since. There are times where my purpose in life becomes chasing fantasy, chasing dreams. This has gotten me in trouble in the past. There were times when I reached the fantasy/dream and was left almost numb. I suppose it is like what Socrates says: Happiness is the pursuit of happiness.
I do not think I could ever go full monk. I think it is weird how much worship the buddhists give to their spiritual teachers. I also think it is weird that many spiritual teachers are chosen as children. I also believe in love. I believe in companionship. It may mean suffering but many things lead to suffering. Perhaps, meditating and helping people all day does not lead to suffering but that is a large leap to take.
One thing I have found is that it is very difficult living on monk'ish principles in the USA. I am constantly being bombarded by messages and signals. My third eye gets tired.
I was talking to a Parisian the other day. It came out in conversation that I have a fantasy of moving to Paris, winning a Parisian girlfriend, learning French, and enjoying the city. He wisely and soberly mentioned I would need a job offer in hand. That is truth. Many times I like living outside of truth. Imagination is more fun than reality.
One of my fantasies is to have a 3 some with a red-haired Rihanna and red-haired Nikki Minaj. I thought that was a good one. A kind of Eyes Wide Shut remix. I also have a fantasy to have a harem of women. Hand picked based on fantasy compatibility. I would design their outfit. Then time to have fun.
It is time for me to go now. That was definitely my thoughts at the time.
So, today I was driving through a somewhat happening area of the city I live in. I had a bit of the training high going and put in some Benny Bennassi. I was thinking how crazy it is how music works. I had not had any inclination to listen for maybe years and I heard a mention of him in a podcast recently and get kind of a good feeling for it and threw some on. It was awesome.
Anyways, so I am driving by this nice restaurant and catch a glimpse of this very attractive female all fashioned up and then see the boyfriend who is also very well dressed and has a luxury car. My immediate thought went to "Fuck, I need to get rich and read GQs and acquire fancy stuff." Thankfully, my next response was to laugh it off but it is crazy how that knee jerk reaction is still there. It boggles my mind how entrenched some of those thought patterns are. I did that chase for many years. It did not end well. I think what makes it worse though is that while I could never sustain a sort of lavish lifestyle on say an annual basis I have been there for moments, days, months on many different occasions. My experience is that can be pretty cool. A certain type of woman is on it and many women in general flock. Not to say that I did not have more than my share of failures and then the self-pity and all that bad stuff. Actually I have had a lot of failures. Going back to the Bennassi and the daters, I think it actually triggered back in the day when I would be in the club not feeling quite good enough. Always wanting more. Poker was a great job for acquiring money and scaling up and also having quite a lot of freedom. I had a lot of fun and really value the people I got to meet and adventures. When I busted out of poker I was lost. I do not know why I still carried this dying will for the material. I went after this sales job I got with a vengeance. I was so delusional. I got promoted to the Chicago region and had visions of penthouses in Lincoln Park. I was living in the suburbs/farmland south of Gary, IN. Instead of accepting the good job I had and quality people I would speed up to Chicago constantly to shop, eat, and party. I would stay in luxury hotels when many of my friends had a surplus of offered accommodations. All that stuff about wanting more in sales, material, everything progressively got worse. My alcoholism did too.
Ok. That got kind of rambly. The point that I am thinking of is that it is very important to know who I am and know what I want to do (purpose). I am still learning. It changes. It progresses. Find a right size in this world.
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