Who wants to own? I mean really own. Pwn. I think we all want to be a hero in our own story. The problem is much of life for most is mundane. It really is ok except many of us were not brought up to face that fact. At least I was not. I am not always dancing to Nicolas Jaar. That does not mean I won't chase it.
How does everyone drink their coffee? I drink mine black with some sugar. I like my days off because I can have 3-4+ cups of coffee and really enjoy it. Coffee and casually perusing some interwebz or coffee and music are much more enjoyable than coffee and preparing food on the clock.
I have to talk about bowel movements. I have been missing some lately and while it is not completely disorienting or anything like that it kind of is like something is off. A great bowel movement is something to behold. That is a bit strong. I just wanted to say it. I do not feel I have to go more in depth on this topic. Everyone knows. Everyone knows the joys of an exceptional bowel movement and the disconcerting air of a lack of one or a sub par one.
So, if I can get a great cup of coffee and a great bowel movement in that is the makings for a pretty swell day. Even if I can not that is some turmoil in the story of my life. It is not the Odyssey. but it will have to do. I use to think I was worthless if I was not on my way to making millions and fucking 10s. I only wanted to fuck 10s. I would look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and say to myself, "Ya know, these women have some pretty great symmetry and shape to them. I will have to make a few million and have sex with all of them." That's a real hero. On his way to make millions and fuck 10s. Even when I was adventuring pretty hard I had to decide what I wanted to eat for breakfast, wait in line at the market, and do some dishes. I do not know if I will ever find my true passion, my true love. I suppose that goes for occupation as it does for women. That is ok though. I am not really searching for it. I am searching for better occupation. I am searching for compatible women and love. Who is not? Are these stories worthy of songs?
Ok. Now I think it may be time for me to make some soup! I wanted escarole but the market did not have any. We will see how it goes!
Ahhh, it is my day off. No alarm clock. The coffee tastes better. The music sounds better. Time to live how I want to live. You know, I do not hate my job. I do not like it but I do not hate it. It is not really a job I should be at for so long. I think the difference is the last couple of days (and more) I have been making a lot of progression to better situations. It has been like I do my part and then it is out there in the universe and I get on with living life instead of fixating on potential outcomes. Understand the universe is going to unfold however it is going to unfold, clean house, get on with living, be helpful.
I was pretty high this morning. Great coffee, dancing to Nicolas Jaar, cooking up some bomb stew. That is a great recipe.
I have been going minimal. I gave so many clothes away. It was liberating. I think I need to go back to a buzzcut. I was looking through some past stuff I wrote for future authoring and I was way too much into haircuts, boots, clothes, and nice restaurants. It is probably all based in the desire to be cool and fuck attractive women. I am cool with that. I do not see the desire to be cool and fuck attractive women going anywhere anytime soon but I do not have to chase on fleek.
You know it is the weirdest thing. The compulsion to watch porn has vanished. Not to say that it will not come back 2 fold but it is just not a thing for me. It is strange to me that I used to watch people acting at what voyeurs may like. I used to watch it a lot. It has been a while since I masturbated. A gorgeous friend in a backless dress at a wedding overwhelmed my libido. Most times it is a mosquito buzzing around. That time it was a locomotive demanding a hand job. A locomotive with giant bull horns demanding a hand job. The whistle was a blowin'. My hand obliged.
That might have been a weird thing to write about. That's ok.
I think that's about it. Time to go feed the pets. My poor dog is likely to be walked rarely the next 2 weeks due to my work schedule and the weather. I feel bad for him. He is a great guy. Well, it is mostly my parents dog but I am watching him for the next 2 weeks. We'll see when we can get him outside a bit. He is used to 1-2 walks a day. The cats are cool. They are just up to some mischief every now and again and really, really like food.
Ok. Thanks everyone for allowing me to share. We are all just spinning around on this rock in unfathomable depth. We are all going to die. Will it be cardiovascular disease? Cancer? Car crash? Suicide? I do not know but it is all sort of heavy sometimes. I need some stuff to smooth it out sometimes. Make it nice sometimes. Make it sweet sometimes.
Would you rather be happy and live until 78 or live an active, healthy life until 88?
After writing that it is a bit of a ridiculous question. I think being active and healthy late in life would lead to happiness and happiness would lead to a larger health span. Both are so environment dependent. Would you rather live in Denmark or the Ogliastra region in Sardinia? The latter seems a bit extreme.
Are we all living where we want to live? I am not. Maybe that can be changed to are we all where we want to be? I really have to get moving on some things but I am at a loss in some key areas. Bummer and I do not know how to remedy this besides keep on keeping on and doing what I can when I can. I am not so thrilled about my current job which is a big one. I just can not seem to figure out where to go from here. That is where I am at a loss. I blank when searching for jobs. I do not seem to ever get anywhere when approaching further education. So, I just fill up my time with obsessing about Blue Zones and happiness and life. My weight loss might be the most interesting hobby I have going at the moment. Not good. I see friends like twice a week. I do not want to let it be but I must. Man, I am in one of those moods where I could just complain all day. Fucking spaghetti monsters.
Oh. Something else. I had an experience today that I was sure I experienced in a dream. It was really trippy. Anyone else experience this?
So, I am back home. I was out of town for about a month. Good times. I am still feeling a little disoriented being back home. For the last month I was around people and pretty active doing a lot of things. Now, some of my days have felt like pulling teeth. I realize this is my fault. I feel a bit disjointed with some of my friends. I have to be consistent with keeping up my relationships. Today, I meant to call a friend that we usually hang out and catch dinner but instead I got caught watching ASL. Now, I am at home on a Friday night (although I can still go out later). Again, I have to figure out how I am going to make money. It is a necessity and it is something that would occupy some of this pulling teeth time. Hopefully, less pulling teeth than pulling teeth time. But, I have written plenty on that so:
Brood war. I have really been enjoying these ASL matches. I more or less missed out on BW. I remember my brother playing it a lot. I did not end up playing it for whatever reason. I did get big into Warcraft 3. If I were to guess it was because I was obsessed with lacrosse in high school and then I did not have lacrosse. Getting better at Warcraft 3 I realized that a lot of people came from BW and many liked BW more. I remember watching Boxer replays and being like holy shit. I messed around with it but always came back to Warcraft 3. It was my goal to go pro. I got close in some WCG stuff but never close to pro whatsoever but it was through Warcraft 3 I heard about poker. It was through my forays into BW that I knew about Team Liquid and I lucked out on timing and got some corroboration. I first heard that Tillerman was doing well in poker and then team liquid were many more cases. That sparked the inspiration that it could be done. I was on Liquid Poker since day 1. Putzed around with $25 on Party Poker. Decided to get serious with $150 on Stars. Those were some good times. Findagrind times. What a time times. I was so lucky but it was also not a question that that is how I was going to make some money.
I am flashbacking a lot on all sorts of stuff. I have urges to hook up the ole desktop and find a good mouse and dick around with some BW again. It would be ugly but it may be crackalicious. It is just nice to watch the ASL and the level of skill there. I remember thinking that the best BW players may be better than anyone at their craft. They spend more intense time than anyone? I guess poker players spend a lot of time playing as well. A 50 yr old surgeon has to be pretty boss at what they do. A 60 yr old consultant who has spent 40 years in the field and still has energy has to be a beast.
That was kind of weird how I just started getting flashbacks on random things regarding Warcraft 3, BW, and poker. There were times I was absolutely loving life playing Warcraft 3 like 12+ hours a day and that game sucks comparatively to BW. I remember some of my roommates had an intervention on me with my poker playing. It probably was not a bad idea with the amount I was playing but I remember I was murdering $1/2 at the time and it really felt like I was rich. $400/hr over some samples is pretty damn rich, damn. I remember the jolt in confidence that was. Now, I just want to be decent at BW and play some BW games and watch ASL. All these years later and I am still looking for the unconventional way to make some money. Besides a stint at a large corporation (which did not go well) unconventional is all I know. Yet, it just feels like those wells have dried up. All the wells have dried up. The walls are closing in sometimes and I just do not know what to do. I am looking for escape. Escape that will likely not bring me closer to where I want to be. But, I do not know if where I want to be is the place for me. There is a saying, "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." I just don't think God has a plan for me. Shit happens and then you die. Well, I don't want shit and I don't want to die. Where is inspiration? Where is motivation? Where is peace?
Ahhh, a bundle of Monet lily pads. That calms me down. But, then I think about the $400 in painting supplies I spent to paint a fourth of a painting. I need first person VODs people. How does Flash do it?
I write this on the eve of the day I drive back home from Charleston, SC. Quite a trip it has been. I am back in the pleasure trap baby! That is half serious exclamation for the added enjoyment of food and half sarcasm in that is what the trap entails. I was going to link a vid but just youtube it if you are interested. Cliff notes is that I am loving all the food I can at the moment and am compelled to eat that food. I am talking shrimp and grits, fried chicken, burgers and fries, red curry fried duck, lobster mac and cheese. Oh, it is delicious. Charleston is a fantastically, exceptionally, amazingly excellent city for food. I highly recommend a visit. I was walking on the beach just about every day in January. The architecture downtown is to splooge for. je ne sais quoi out the whazoo. Best ironwork in the USA.
What am I contemplating? How good the fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and collard greens were tonight. As I tried to enjoy the key lime pie, news that my brother's father in law was in poor poor condition. He had a serious stroke and it has been a roller coaster ride for my brother's wife and mother and my brother too. Myself? I just wanted to enjoy the continued gaiety of the evening with a piece of pie. That was over, that was ruined. My mom is now upset. I want to say something stupid like "Jim Morrison always said none of us get out of this alive." I am upset that my brother and my sister in law and her mother are upset. From my perspective, this is existence. It is rough though. The roller coaster of surviving the first major stroke and brain surgery and hope. Hope can be such a double edged sword. Hope that he will survive only to find countless blood clots and a temperature of 104. None of us get out of this alive. Our order can be shaken at any moment. Chaos is waiting around any corner, nook, and cranny. Robotically I eat my key lime pie. It was not a celebration of the senses as I would have hoped. More so a systematic endeavor mixed with some tension in my body and the air. My brother's father in law is going to die. Most likely sooner rather than later. This sucks. Everybody grieves in different ways. Denial is strong. Very strong. It is like some giant, bad ass gundam with missiles and giant swords and a bad attitude. It can be overcome. Acceptance is like looking out from a peak onto a magical Shangri La of fairies and dragons and butterflies and discovering where the next path is. A blow job from the high elf priestess with the gifted lips and eyes that was looking your way, yes! of course!
I need to get a decent enough job and move out of my parents' place. That was some clarity from the peak for me. It has to be a part of my path. Or else no blowjobs! High priestess or otherwise! Getting a decent job seems like a bit of a ridiculous thing to be a dragon for me but I must slay this dragon, however, difficult it has been. I enjoy a bit of chaos though. Always have. I am excited at the prospects of moving to Charleston. I am also excited to get back home and see some friends. This world we live in. So, many choices or none at all. It is quite the choose your own adventure or a choose your own adventure already written. Ah fuck, I do not want to get into that here. I have more reading to do on free will. This is all virtual reality. I just have to get through it like anyone else. Love and understanding for my fellow man is all I can do. Man, if i can just slice off a piece of some peace. Much in this world arrives, drifts, then dissipates. That is my fate. Led by the fates. Led by the muses. Who chooses?
It has been a while since I have been to Vegas. I think the last time was 2008 for New Year's Eve. Besides Aria and city center stuff and name changes and upgrades it has not changed much. It is funny how little details and memories creep in. I am actually staying in the same hotel I stayed in the first time I was here in 2006. It is the same table I was grinding out $2/4 on Ket's laptop and sweated crazy insane $3/6 games with Ket, Mez, Vaesolis. It was in this hotel I created my FullTilt Poker name. I ate at the same Chipotle today that I did when we debated whether or not TJBentham could eat 2 or 3 Chipotle burritos in a sitting. Oh, the tilting $17 gym charge. The pho place is no longer around. Right across the street is the first live casino poker I ever played at the Venetian. I was drinking red bulls and treating it like the big game. I miss that enthusiasm. I played a bit today and just nothing. I thought I would get a bit of the rush but just nothing. I have not played live poker in ages and there is a reason for it. I just laugh at that kid excited to play a marathon session but oh do I miss it. Getting dealt aces, flopping top set, missing your draw and a good bluff river card hitting, cutting out the chips but it just was not happening tonight. I quickly was wishing the Venetian had Baccarat where I can peel the cards to destruction. I would walk to the Wynn but it is freezing cold out with the wind chill. The wind is gusting like Gus Hanson's machismo after winning a poker tourney.
If I am not playing poker for an income there is nothing there. Since I have kind of gotten to the point of not playing poker for an income it is the reason I never play poker. I was just rusty. Made some pretty poor weak tight plays which pissed me off. Made some noob live plays. There was money to be made but I felt silly sitting there grinding out a live 1/2 game if there is no entertainment value and then boom, like I said, I instantly wanted to get dealt a face card and then get to sweat a 4 across. That might be my favorite gambling situation now.
There are definitely a lot of attractive women around. This has jolted my libido. There are parts of me that want to be inside a women. There are also parts of me that wished I could drink. I am in just a weird celibacy mode where the prospects of having sex are slim even though I am in Vegas for a wedding. Another thing I noticed is that the attractiveness in the Bellagio is quite a lot higher than in Treasure Island. Vegas has always been a great city for sexy. It has also always been a great city for spending a lot of money. Room service wants $30 for some pancakes and a pot of coffee. That is the first thing that jumped out at me. I will not go on. I just thought it was weird for me to write about the spending a lot of money thing and then just leave it disjointed.
Jordan Peterson says writing helps with the thought processes. I am working on his future authoring project that he talked about on the Joe Rogan Podcast. I would say it has helped out tremendously for me. I may or may not be more lost than anyone else. I had some epiphany like moments where some stuff just became clear to me. Some stuff I did not necessarily know or ever know.
Fuck, I have like 2 hours until my brother and sister get into town. Everyone else is on a bar crawl that I thought about going on but what am I going to do on a bar crawl sober with a bunch of 21-24 yr old party animals? Time to google: "Where can I play baccarat and destroy cards?" or just deal with it and get some blackjack in. If I do not watch out I am going to be throwing my own pity party if it has not already begun. Food is my solace. I just had the thought to Uber out to Naked Fish or try out Firefly or go back to Fix. Mmmmmm, mac n cheese, Bobby Baldwin burger, and lobster tacos. I can not wait to get to Bouchon for brunch on Sunday. I have had thoughts of checking out to see if I can get a croissant for breakfast at the bakery.
So, a bunch of people are staying in TI. We need stuff within walking distance. Bouchon is closed (some of us will be going for Sunday brunch). Carnevino may be too expensive and non-casual. We are mostly looking for casual. Something I can wear some jeans to.
Some study out of Harvard came up with 4 things that will lead to happiness and contentment:
- Time spent with people one cares about
- Helping others
- Exercise
- Being grateful
I know a guy who denigrated that and said who needs Harvard, his grandmother knew that. Maybe he is right. Maybe he resents education because he does not have any formal education and has illusions that everything can be learned "on the streets."
I bring it up because yesterday reminded me of it. I spent time with family and moved furniture all day. I had some toast and almond butter and bananas and coffee for breakfast. I had a nice shit. I had a panera salad for lunch. I ate some amazing chaana masala for dinner. I watched "The Green Room" and then went to sleep. That was it.
Nothing too exciting. Nothing too euphoric. I did not bang any dimes while doing cocaine and viagra but the day brought me serenity and contentment. The Amish might get it to some extent. In many ways no but getting together and building a barn and having a good meal that is a great day.
Now, I just sit in an empty house typing up a blog looking to fill up the hours. The existential spectre haunts me. I am not specifically thinking about death or the emptiness of the universe but I realize it is there, standing over me like the ghost of Christmas future. Well, at least I have groceries to get. Well, I can perhaps meet with those people there. I can take a shower and do my hair. A little bit of vanity can pass the time. It is so quiet. I long for the days of figuring out how to get that huge couch upstairs and breaking a sweat. Words of encouragement and high fives. Oh, I have a left over samosa. Nice. I need some more coffee.
Ahhh, coffee. A shit and some coffee this feels like a blank new page. I hit the reset button. Wrath of God, Armageddon. "Jesus will save us." Nope. Now, Jesus was a good man... decent mythology... No, I do not want to go down that road right now.
*RiKD plays another Armageddon*
I typically only have 1 shit in me and have a full coffee so what is a man supposed to do?
Magic was a great game. It probably still is. I really loved X-Men comics. I was not the biggest fan of the most recent X-Men movie. Sometimes I do not like to let my nerd side show so much but it is a part of me. I delivered pizzas to a games shop that were playing some sort of tabletop miniature wargame. The nerd was strong in there. More power to them it is probably time better spent than writing a bunch of shit in a blog but I remember thinking I am like a fake nerd to these guys. "X-Men LOL." "Magic LOL." Although I did briefly play Warhammer and painted all my guys but we built lands and played in my friend's basement. That game was expensive.
While writing this it did not feel like the house was empty. I was not thinking about the house. I was not thinking about anything except for what I was thinking. Thinking and writing. Thinking and writing.
I figured firing off a blog would be more fun than going to a shitty 12-step abstinence based recovery meeting or watching New Girl. If anyone has any must watch TV Shows I might be interested. I am talking like The Wire good, Game of Thrones good. That is pretty good. I may have just opened up a can of worms. I do not really want to be overwhelmed with tv shows. What about Stranger Things? I hear good things.
On 12-step abstinence based recovery:
I am still a little surprised I went through with it. I really was that desperate. That broken. It is undeniable I have had a psychic change. The folks in the fellowship get testy if I say it was not God. It can be if I can define God. The loophole in the steps is that it is "God as you understand him." The literature is from 1939. It is based on the Oxford Group which was a Christian fellowship. Thank GOD that Carl Jung was involved. I would totally be down to experiment with shrooms plus therapy. Have a guided trip every 6 months or so and be good. Although I would still have to learn how to live. I am unsure if there can be as profound a psychic change on shrooms alone. Therapy guided MDMA. I would totally be down for that too. That might be able to solve anything.
On Trentemoller:
Trentemoller is great. Take me into your skin. The last resort.
I think about immigrating to Denmark a lot. Norway, Sweden, Germany, France, Canada, New Zealand. I think about it more now.
We will see though. I have been in a rut as they say. Things are looking up. I got some work. I have some renewed vigor in a more focused job search that makes more sense for me. This could all crash down like anything can crash down. I will always be drifting whether I am occupied in endeavors that distract me from that or not.
No You Girls - Trentemoller remix is another great song.
On (no you) girls:
I maintain having a great haircut and shoes is crucial... Crucial is a total exaggeration. It is weird how different things work for different people in different settings though. I would say those 2 things are universal though. Having a cool job, cool life, and cool place is obviously way more important (doh). It is all about being right sized though. Finding a good fit in some social spheres and matching up with some good fits. I have always found it is good to be a little different. Never conform to a social sphere. Just be who you are and sort of drift into that social sphere. Being in the right one is crucial. That is not an exaggeration.
On exercise:
I need to get some more exercise in. I feel so good. Endrophins: Feels Good Man. I been going to some muay thai. That is all well and good buy I am not the biggest fan of holding pads. I got front kicked in the nuts the other day and that was horrible. I think I might stick with it though. It is good training and some of the combo opportunities are pretty sweet. I am also eating too much. Like ton of pizza and 2 lbs of grapes. Overload on hummus and chips.
How awesome is Thom Yorke?
The White Flash ft. Thom Yorke - Trentemoller remix - Modeselektor
On LP Archives:
I got caught browsing through old posts on here. It was fun.
Aba joins CR!
Old school discussions on Jimmy Johns!
vino y verde y daft punk
That was revolutionary for me. Still probably my 3 favorite drugs. I can at least still use one of them.
The drama of the New Years 2008 thread.
The exceptionalness of the Looks or Game thread. What an odyssey. What a masterpiece.
Looking through there in some ways I have changed tremendously in many ways not that much at all. We were just a bunch of nerdy kids man just having a blast. At least I was. I think in many ways I still am that nerdy kid. I love coming here for distraction. My life is probably going better if I am not on here as much but that is subjective. It is hard to even judge when my life is going better or not. From my experience, it certainly can not be judged externally. It is also difficult to judge in the moment or looking back. Minds have a way of playing tricks. One day's truth is another day's delusion.
Trentemoller - Vamp
Oh my goodness. Rose McGowan in cat woman latex. Where to go from there? You be the judge.
Now, I can't get sultry images out of my mind. Biological urge to procreate + the nature of thought. Those themes seem to always make it into my blogs.
Fuck God, fuck government, fuck bitches, get money...
Fuck God, fuck government, fuck women, help people.
Just my thoughts. Not right now because that already happened. Right now.... damn. RIGHT NOW.... nope.
Just my thoughts at the time. Just my thoughts. Are they my thoughts?
Their are likely my brains thoughts. Ugh. Why did I start this. The brain fires, I have a thought. What makes the brain fire? What makes the brain fire in the way that it does to produce the thoughts that it produces?
I will end with Trentemoller - Miss You. Last resort.
Thank you if you are awesome. You lucky piece of... If you are not awesome I am here to help. Not sure how much help I can offer but I am here to help.
Have a body? Wear clothes. Lots of clothes. Accessorize. Color coordinate. Go shopping. Whet your appetite.
Have a place to live? Fill it up with stuff! Home furnishings! Take a trip through the IKEA maze! Are there hayrides and pumpkins? Not yet.
Am I an untruth living hypocrite if I take money to further this cause?
I am not even meditating any more. I won't even go too much in depth into the thoughts because Sam Harris and buddhists and others have that shit down. I will say it was amazing in meditation to literally catch when a thought arises and watch it dissipate. So many times in life I have a thought and then like a flood of thoughts and I forget that they just happen and then they disappear. Many times thoughts are not real. They are perhaps based in some sense of reality but that does not make them true. How do we know if they are real and true? That is something I hope to work on. Maybe some of ya'll can help.
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