sup

I dreamt last night that I murdered people and then masturbated and jizzed on them and their tv. I don't remember killing them I just remember their dead bodies and vaguely remember dragging them inside of a house. It may have not been their house or tv. I also dreamed that I borrowed a friend's car, lost control of the car, and ran someone over in front of a crowd. My dad listened to 11 hours of the NFL draft yesterday. That is crazy to me. I do resent the people drafted. Making millions of dollars to be aggressive gorillas. I killed a palmetto bug last night with fervor and aggression. In a way I think I liked it. In a way it killed a part of my soul. I almost lost control of my car yesterday going 90 through the mountains, talking on the phone, with one hand on the wheel. I fear hitting people with my car. I fear car accidents. I fear loss of limbs. I fear loss of brain function. I am actually a little afraid of palmetto bugs. I am afraid of them crawling over me when I sleep. I am afraid of picking one up and trapping it in my hands. I am afraid of it crawling into my mouth. Brazilian jiu-jitsu was a great outlet for aggression. When I take someone's back and sink in an RNC and they tap that means I could have killed them if I wanted to. BJJ. It really is a great game. I miss strategy games. What is the best strategy game on the market these days?

I will write it again:

What is the best strategy game on the market these days?

Not that I want to get lost in strategy games when I should be meeting people in a new city. I need a new job, new friends, new home group, new doctors, new therapist, new bank, new driver's license, new hang out spots, new everything. It is not the time to be getting lost in strategy or fantasy. Not the time for escape. Which in a way just makes me want to escape.

Facebook is kind of shitty. I am no longer liking ANYTHING. No like or dislike. Maybe I will comment. Maybe. I just want something real man. What does that even mean? Fuck facebook but I won't leave it. It will just continue to cause some dissatisfaction. It is one of those short term comfort type of things. Junk food. Crack cocaine. Do I have any likes? Do I have any likes? I DO!!! I DO!!! nom nom nom nom nom nom nom. Get the fuck out of here facebook!

Waffle House. Pecan Waffle. Load it up with butter and syrup and a side of coffee. Enjoy! Bon Appetit!

I want some more coffee so ciao tios.

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It is great to just be out with people. Grabbing some pizza pies down at the pizzaria with the magic pies. Great crust, magical sauce. How do they make that sauce? It's so sweet. Maybe they put in some honey. It's a family recipe for the ages. I wanted to talk to a guy about Buddhism but ended up at a picnic table with some great people long into the night. It makes up for a mixed up day. No errands done but that is ok. Manana. I suppose I don't even want to talk about Buddhism anymore but here goes:

Don't read if you don't want to talk about Buddhism (unless you just want to talk about life and living that's cool):

So, there is always going to be suffering. Even if I am a buddhist monk I will suffer. I can eat a modest breakfast and meditate and help people all day but there will still be suffering. Suffering for me today means finishing some coffee, bored with the interwebz and 3+ hours until a meeting. What do I read? What do I do? Actually, a better example is RIGHT NOW. NOW. NOW. I get home from a great night with some great people and don't feel like going to sleep. What do I do NOW? NOW? NOW? I write some stuff and put NOW in all caps. The other idea is the idea of attachment. I will say 2 attachments that come to mind is a.) I would... actually there are a lot. I want to live. I want to wake up tomorrow. I want my limbs. I want my senses. I want my own apartment. I want to meet a compatible women and fall in love. How do we deal with these attachments in relation to suffering?
It just seems like every time I start getting into buddhism I decide I have to become a buddhist monk to achieve a desirable state. I need it to get the right dosage of happiness, peace, serenity, unsuffering. On the other hand just getting out and socializing with awesome people seems to be a great dosage of living. Dating and seeing where that goes is a great dosage of living. I want to fuck and I want some stuff but I don't want that running my life. That is pretty much what it boils down to. I want to fuck and I want some stuff but I don't want that running my life.

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My final two weeks is up at the seafood market and I am finished there. It was a strange season. Strange hours. I mostly read diet and nutrition books, Camus, watched "Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain" and HBO's "Girls." Now I am back with an 8 hour void. Perhaps a somewhat daunting void. I should be able to find ways to fill it. I have almost two weeks until I move to Charleston, SC. I am still in a state of unsureness in what I want to do with my life. Maybe you all can help. I need all the help I can get. I have a History degree. I have a poker and sales background. I do not think I meld well with coding and the like. It does not come easy to me and I have just never had the willingness to get into it. I do not particularly like multi-national corporation culture or maybe I was just not with the best fit company in my past. Academia intrigues me but it is a lot of money and a lot of work and I did not particularly like academia in the field of History or in general. Many times I just figure I will be a therapist or a nurse. I have thought about teaching but I do not know about that. Am I missing anything? What are you all doing? I am sick of being stuck in the mud of all this stuff and stuck in the mud of poverty. I need some ideas. I need some discussion. I need some help.

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Alright, it is time to get this as pink as pussy business in the rear view mirror. It was a decent run. What heterosexual male does not like vagina. It is one of the wonders of the world. With that said I am more concerned with what freedom means to everybody? What does freedom look like? What prisons exist for us? Do we even desire freedom?

I went on a walk today by a river. The surface sparkled illuminated by the sun. The breeze had a faint smell of the trees blooming. There was good conversation being immersed with other pleasantly happy and high walkers and bikers. I feel free in those moments.

I feel free listening to stimulating music sipping on an excellent coffee typing some words out. Until I can not find the right words............... Ok. It is ok to not have the right words. It leads to some meditation on what the next words should be. I listen to some music, I take a sip of my coffee and it flows.

I am addicted to flow. Flow state. I live for that shit. Just thinking about it I want the adrenaline. I want to drive as fast as the car will let me. I want some fucking cocaine. Let's take a bunch of molly and head to a rave. Different experiences. I have never felt as connected as I was rolling MDMA at a small venue rave. I want to get back to dancing, drumming, and chanting. I will always listen to my music loud. I have to live this life at a certain type of frequency. A vibe. That is mine. Let's hope it resonates with some people! It sucks to be alone. It sucks to be isolated. I need a little help from my friends, I get by with a little help from my friends, I am gonna try with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends. That sums it up the best I can think of. I want to go out to the magical forests and do shrooms. Why not just a coffee shop with a mixed group of people? That is quite lovely. My mascot is the dolphin, who live better than we do. They are the next level purveyors of awesome in the seas. Eat some anchovies and chill. Go for a swim. I WON'T SPEND ANY MORE TIME ON THE DOLPHINS EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO!

Deadmau5 on speed is always an experience. That is kind of where I am at now. Coffee is relatively weak speed but enough of it and it is still speed. Fuck this on a day like today I should be outside or lounging and reading a great book. Phoning a friend always seems to work. HAVE FUN LP! DRINK COFFEE BUT NOT TOO MUCH! WELL, DO WHAT YOU LIKE! COFFEE OR NO COFFEE DO WHAT YOU LIKE! THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOME UNPLEASANTNESS! SOME THINGS MORE SO THAN OTHERS! PUSH THROUGH IT AND IT WILL NOT BE SO BAD IN THE FUTURE!

Four more days at my job and then moving excitement and then realization that I have to find a new job and then the realization that oh shit I do not know what I am doing with my life. Going to a bunch of different meetings and then finding ones I like and going to those regularly is a fun proposition. Likely, I find some people I like spending time with. So crucial. Finding that job that covers reasonable expenses and gets me out of poverty and has me kind of fired up at some points is the puzzle. There has to got to be a solution for that but I have yet to find it. Something I am mostly into and ready to go most days. Whatever jobs that just barely cover meager expenses is the recipe for meh. It can be recovered through great friends, a healthy amount of gratitude and being helpful. Maybe I just get back into bodybuilder mode where I am at the gym all the time. Getting high through barbells. I would rather take walks on the beach and chill. Eat some shrimp and grits and chill.

I want more tattoos. My sister just got something quite fierce and dope. No funds, no tattoos.

There was a young lady sitting out on the patio where I was at today. Cool tattoos. I loved her sunglasses. She orders a bottle of Rose for herself. Man, that's my kind of woman. Straight horrible for me at this point but I am glad she exists. A Nicola Six type of character I always seem to be attracted to. I was with another Nicola Six type of character last night with a group of people at a diner. She is like a version of Nicola Six in recovery. This is the one I had an intense manic episode in her home and it was quite awkward for a while. It is nice to know some time has past and we could just have a normal chat. She is a really cool chick. That is what I will tell her, "You are a really cool chick, thanks for being awesome." The world just needs cool people that are awesome.

So, another chapter and things have not really changed. Job situation is tenuous. Women situation is underwhelming. I feel like I have learned more though. I have more knowledge and confidence than I did before. I still have hope that things will get better. Perhaps, I have to have this hope. It is some wiring that keeps me going into the future. Hopelessness just leaves me depressed and alone and isolated. That is no place to be. The fates will tell my story I am just here for the ride. It would be pretty cruel to be in the same situation I am in now when I am 50. It could always be worse though. I should be thankful for what I do have. This life will never be perfect. I am addicted to experience. Transcendence can be found in the mundane. Hell can be other people but it does not last just like the absurd or negative thought does not last. We can lead lives of dignity and authenticity.

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When you are getting pussy you gotta have it. The pink stuff. The good stuff. After a while the obsession dims. Spend enough time away from overly stimulating experiences it may flicker. Not to say asses will not be glanced at in grocery stores. I had a friend who was wearing this ridiculous t-shirt that showed way too much cleavage. You hear a song about double dees and it is hard not to think about it or find your eyes having a look. My brain controls my eyes, what controls my brain?

I drank too much coffee. I do not like drinking coffee at night but how can I turn down free pie, free coffee, and conversation amongst friends? Now, I got a bit of the coffee anxiety thing going on or it is all in my head. Either way it felt like writing was a better option than trying to sleep. I really do enjoy socialization over reading a book or watching tv. It was a fun night. I need more nights like this.

I put in my two weeks notice at work. It makes for an interesting dynamic. I have experienced some animosity. No, I would not say strong hostility. In some ways I just do not care but my conscientiousness overrides it. Plus, I have to do something. It is difficult to just stand around and be in the prison of a seafood market rather than doing the right thing and being on top of any and all tasks. Sometimes there are not any real tasks. That is when I can stand and think if I can stand it.

You know I do not really like magazines. Some are pretty cool to casually look through and may have some good articles but many are just kind of shite. I really do not like all the advertising either. I swear I can look through a magazine and be anti advertisements yet some of them will seep into my sub-conscious tampering with my life and weakening my third eye. I do not necessarily think I have to move out to the forests of Washington and eat a lot of mushrooms but I like my third eye and want to keep it healthy.

I wonder if there are people who never get effected by insecurities? Perhaps some monks somewhere. I should really change the question and drop the word never. I suppose being affected by certain things is human nature.

I do not control my brain or my environment...

I take vitamin D and vitamin B12 every day. My brain and my environment decided that was the right thing to do. It is so much more fun to talk about the fates weaving a tapestry of my life. Tonight I will get naked and paint myself and dance to Senegalese tribal music in honor of the muses. Thank the muses! I will get naked and paint myself and dance to Senegalese tribal music to thank the muses.

Good day, good night, farewell,
Whether sun or moon,
There is always the poon,
Libidos haunting,
Penises jaunting,
So it is said they have a mind of their own,
The gods and the brain are on the phone,

Oh, what a beautiful evening,
The sky is as pink as pussy,

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The birds are singing, the sun is out. It is the season of spring. I will be moving to Charleston, SC. Joseph Campbell had a saying, "Judge a society by it's largest buildings." Charleston has a beautifully constructed bridge and historic churches. Can I look past the cult of religion for amazing architecture and culture? I just can't call it yet. I only need a handful or more of free thinkers to feel at ease or just some quality religious folk who don't encroach on the subject. I don't want to hear about Jesus just as much as they don't want to hear about how the universe and each and every one of us are in ruins with no redemption.

You know, I am still chasing coffee that my sister had from like months ago. It was some local stuff and they use water infused with some Colombian sugar that is custom there.

I like sex. I like sugar in my coffee. I like a perfectly ripened mango. I am underplaying sex. The animal nature of it. The build up. The release. The potential for frank conversation. Something about a cigarette afterwards. The cigarette that leads to having a cigarette after everything. The cigarette break. The cigarette that leads to having a cigarette before everything. As the tobacco toasts the muses play their song... Until they don't, and there's anxiety, and there's headaches, and there's motherfucking motherfucker. A part of me wants to be open to do anything. Line of coke? Por supuesto. I want the smoke break, the 5 min. breather, the nicotine in my veins, in my brain. I want a coffee and a cigarette. I want a decanter of wine all the time. I want to drown in cognac. Smoke 5 blunts and down some chodine. I want fresh summer corn on the cob with plenty of butter. I want blow jobs. Lots of blow jobs. Enthusiastic, skillful blow jobs. If someone has a comfy couch and some heroin I want to be down. I am a crazy motherfucker. I am an addict. There is no permanent escape besides death. I am cool with intermittent transcendence. A larger being of peace and serenity. Just a little bit of freedom from some of the pains of the world. Blow jobs are nice though. I miss blow jobs. They make me want to get my act together. Make big money and have some big fun...

Hah, butter and religion. What is a vegan athiest to do?

What are the odds on 300 lb. born again by next year? Hah.

I don't really want to go to work tomorrow but how many people do? That is some really amazing shit. That has got to be some hack on life or make enough that you just don't give a fuck. My job is not aids but it kind of sucks and I am not getting paid anything. What am I doing in regards to that portion of life? It is not going to change either by moving location. I will probably be worse off for a bit. Until I hit the beaches. Jesus may save some people but beaches save me. I will go work on a fishing boat or pick collard greens. I will eat rice and beans like the enslaved Africans and get skin cancer for being out in the sun too much. I will have to find a new skin cancer doctor. I will have to find a new psychiatrist so I don't terrorize the city with manic insanity. I am now in somewhat annoying stasis. It will have to do. It will have to do. I do my best to improve my perspective. I am doing better now from my synapses to my guts to my external world than I ever had and there is still distaste? Yes, many flavors I dislike but I must ingest. Sometimes I wonder if I were just not meant for this world. I just don't quite fit in right or maybe I just haven't found the right spot. I am a bad searcher or seeker yet a lot of things have gone right in my life. Things seems to work out. I get acclimated swimmingly. I could just be writing through my anxieties about moving. I could just be writing through my anxieties about everything. I have fears, resentments, and anxieties whether I want to acknowledge them or not. Many time these things are what are blocking me in life. I resent Kanye West for being so free with his expression and having the success and potential for freedom. I fear just not finding anything out in Charleston and being stuck in a menial job with out much funds or free time or friends.

Hope everyone is swell. If anyone is in Charleston lemme know.

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Back to life, back to reality

Back to the Gggrrriiinnnddd. Work went by pretty quick today. Pretty smooth. Most situations in my life these days are better than when I walk in the doors and punch in. I shudder at the thought of doing it again tomorrow. Today was just ok but I have 4 more days before I am off again. That is the grind. I start my leisure time with some Nicolaas Jaar but it does not have the same magic. I wore it out. The dopamine was deciding to be coy. At least I can get fed. Do I need this food? No but I don't need to fast for the night either. A pound and a half of red seedless grapes is a good start. I eat the things like I use to drink decanters full of red wine. Oh, how I love red grapes. I wish I did not eat the bread and left over soup quite as mechanically as I do. It's good but sometimes I long for some exceptional chaana masala with extra buttery naan bread and pistachio kulfi. Perhaps some shrimp and grits with an entire pecan pie. Fried chicken, mac n cheese, collard greens. The list goes on. My inner fat fuck wants to emerge. Retrogression yo-yo is a future possibility. I am somewhat angry as I type some of this out. I bang on the keyboards with the frustration of not eating a burger and fries with a chocolate milkshake to die for. That I will be dying for. Claude Cardiovasuclardisease and Suzie Stroke are coming for me. Danny Dementia and Carrie Cancer. Some pretty tough blokes and bitches. Why do I always worry about this stuff? How to manage life. It is a tough one. I just want to escape.

I just want to escape. From the job, from the circumstances, from cancer, from death. My leisure time starting at 9pm makes it a bit difficult on a Thursday night. I get taking care of pets, same ole same ole dinner of habit, dishes, and then read or watch tv. I have been going with Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain. It lets me vicariously travel and eat the great meals I am longing for. Well, would it not be better to work towards getting to some of these places I want to go to and truly living life? Am I a case of someone that is living a life of quiet desperation? Uggghhh, I don't want to live a life of quiet desperation! I also don't want to get too far out of my shell. I am not even sure what that means. I was thinking there is a life that is quite a nice fit and there is a life where I give up my shell for some crazy shell that does not fit me and never will. I don't know if I like the fit of my life now. I hate waiting games. I want to move to Charleston. I hope that is not running to Charleston. Wherever I go, there I am. No matter where I go, I have to bring myself. I am ok with myself these days. I still wish I had a passion, a meaning. I may have some direction. It just takes a while to get down the path. I better enjoy the path. Make the best of it. It is all I have. One day the flowers will bloom. The air will smell of a perfect faint, hint of magic. The next, all that will be clear is the sight of the dumb old mud road that never ends. Sing when you can. Dance when the feeling hits and please bring some friends along. Ask for help. Be grateful for this hell hole not resentful of this wonderland. Oh, the suffering. If we can just let go of the suffering and find ourselves on a porch in a rocking chair with a banjo and a giant cup of sweet tea. Cool breeze and harvest moon. We can sing songs of triumph and despair. We can escape the void. We can live.

I am interested in strawberries and dark chocolate. Bone Thugs n' Harmony. Creepin' on ah come up. What the hell am I creepin' on this time? Not a few million and fucking 10s. I am from Cleveland though. Cleveland is the city where I come from so run run. I must never forget my roots. They are a part of who I am. The good and the bad. I do have a love of money though. Who doesn't? How am I getting mine? I don't need much. Only about $2 billion. Nahhhh. Honestly, I heard recently that some people somewhere deemed that money does not buy happiness after $75,000. If I am trying to stay in a condo in downtown Large City and live that life I think that number is off but for most of us... well, at least me, that seems about right. Poker money was like lol. Just do whatever whenever and chasing the baller life. Shake my head. Man, I don't know. Everyone is different. This life can be tough. Just have to keep on existing. The fates will carry us regardless of what we want to do. They already control what we want to do. They control what we think, what we want to do, what we will do, and what will happen. Let's light a joint to that. Cheers! Champagne for all. Hot tub overlooking LA passing BIG blunts.

How do friends get disjointed? It is hard to stay real close with people living all over the world more or less broke and tied down. Just making it each month, no vacations, trapped. There are friends that live in the same city! Thank Zeus! Man, it's really just people I like spending time with. If I gotta move that's what I gotta do and find some people I like spending time with in the new city and people I really like I just gotta keep in touch from time to time. See how people are doing. Keep hitting that reefer sending me straight to heaven. Keep hitting these keys sending me straight to heaven. I don't need heaven or hell just give me some peace and serenity... and a gal with some perfect tits that likes to ride cowgirl. Fire in the fire place and a cup of green tea. Alright, that's about it for now. Honesty, serenity, tranquility, all that great stuff to everyone. Peace, love, I'm a hippy and may the fates and the muses be kind.

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Who wants to own? I mean really own. Pwn. I think we all want to be a hero in our own story. The problem is much of life for most is mundane. It really is ok except many of us were not brought up to face that fact. At least I was not. I am not always dancing to Nicolas Jaar. That does not mean I won't chase it.

How does everyone drink their coffee? I drink mine black with some sugar. I like my days off because I can have 3-4+ cups of coffee and really enjoy it. Coffee and casually perusing some interwebz or coffee and music are much more enjoyable than coffee and preparing food on the clock.

I have to talk about bowel movements. I have been missing some lately and while it is not completely disorienting or anything like that it kind of is like something is off. A great bowel movement is something to behold. That is a bit strong. I just wanted to say it. I do not feel I have to go more in depth on this topic. Everyone knows. Everyone knows the joys of an exceptional bowel movement and the disconcerting air of a lack of one or a sub par one.

So, if I can get a great cup of coffee and a great bowel movement in that is the makings for a pretty swell day. Even if I can not that is some turmoil in the story of my life. It is not the Odyssey. but it will have to do. I use to think I was worthless if I was not on my way to making millions and fucking 10s. I only wanted to fuck 10s. I would look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and say to myself, "Ya know, these women have some pretty great symmetry and shape to them. I will have to make a few million and have sex with all of them." That's a real hero. On his way to make millions and fuck 10s. Even when I was adventuring pretty hard I had to decide what I wanted to eat for breakfast, wait in line at the market, and do some dishes. I do not know if I will ever find my true passion, my true love. I suppose that goes for occupation as it does for women. That is ok though. I am not really searching for it. I am searching for better occupation. I am searching for compatible women and love. Who is not? Are these stories worthy of songs?

Ok. Now I think it may be time for me to make some soup! I wanted escarole but the market did not have any. We will see how it goes!

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Ahhh, it is my day off. No alarm clock. The coffee tastes better. The music sounds better. Time to live how I want to live. You know, I do not hate my job. I do not like it but I do not hate it. It is not really a job I should be at for so long. I think the difference is the last couple of days (and more) I have been making a lot of progression to better situations. It has been like I do my part and then it is out there in the universe and I get on with living life instead of fixating on potential outcomes. Understand the universe is going to unfold however it is going to unfold, clean house, get on with living, be helpful.

I was pretty high this morning. Great coffee, dancing to Nicolas Jaar, cooking up some bomb stew. That is a great recipe.

I have been going minimal. I gave so many clothes away. It was liberating. I think I need to go back to a buzzcut. I was looking through some past stuff I wrote for future authoring and I was way too much into haircuts, boots, clothes, and nice restaurants. It is probably all based in the desire to be cool and fuck attractive women. I am cool with that. I do not see the desire to be cool and fuck attractive women going anywhere anytime soon but I do not have to chase on fleek.

You know it is the weirdest thing. The compulsion to watch porn has vanished. Not to say that it will not come back 2 fold but it is just not a thing for me. It is strange to me that I used to watch people acting at what voyeurs may like. I used to watch it a lot. It has been a while since I masturbated. A gorgeous friend in a backless dress at a wedding overwhelmed my libido. Most times it is a mosquito buzzing around. That time it was a locomotive demanding a hand job. A locomotive with giant bull horns demanding a hand job. The whistle was a blowin'. My hand obliged.

That might have been a weird thing to write about. That's ok.

I think that's about it. Time to go feed the pets. My poor dog is likely to be walked rarely the next 2 weeks due to my work schedule and the weather. I feel bad for him. He is a great guy. Well, it is mostly my parents dog but I am watching him for the next 2 weeks. We'll see when we can get him outside a bit. He is used to 1-2 walks a day. The cats are cool. They are just up to some mischief every now and again and really, really like food.

Ok. Thanks everyone for allowing me to share. We are all just spinning around on this rock in unfathomable depth. We are all going to die. Will it be cardiovascular disease? Cancer? Car crash? Suicide? I do not know but it is all sort of heavy sometimes. I need some stuff to smooth it out sometimes. Make it nice sometimes. Make it sweet sometimes.

Ciao LP

Take care

Consciousness is crazy

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Would you rather be happy and live until 78 or live an active, healthy life until 88?

After writing that it is a bit of a ridiculous question. I think being active and healthy late in life would lead to happiness and happiness would lead to a larger health span. Both are so environment dependent. Would you rather live in Denmark or the Ogliastra region in Sardinia? The latter seems a bit extreme.

Are we all living where we want to live? I am not. Maybe that can be changed to are we all where we want to be? I really have to get moving on some things but I am at a loss in some key areas. Bummer and I do not know how to remedy this besides keep on keeping on and doing what I can when I can. I am not so thrilled about my current job which is a big one. I just can not seem to figure out where to go from here. That is where I am at a loss. I blank when searching for jobs. I do not seem to ever get anywhere when approaching further education. So, I just fill up my time with obsessing about Blue Zones and happiness and life. My weight loss might be the most interesting hobby I have going at the moment. Not good. I see friends like twice a week. I do not want to let it be but I must. Man, I am in one of those moods where I could just complain all day. Fucking spaghetti monsters.

Oh. Something else. I had an experience today that I was sure I experienced in a dream. It was really trippy. Anyone else experience this?

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