sup

Death is certain. The timing of it is uncertain. Impermanence abounds. Even stars die on a long enough time line. We get to the meagerest of triple digits if we are lucky and/or extremely prudent with our health. I am all about making the most of this time on Earth but I still struggle with it. Anguish and suffering. On one hand it is cool to sit and be with the breath on another hand I just did my taxes and I only made $10,000 this year. I know I am on this journey. I don't know if I would call it spiritual. Renunciation of material goods and junk values. But, not many want to date a broke prep cook living with his parents. Maybe I want to date a little bit and have some fun with the fairer sex. Maybe I should just go on meditation retreats to pick up. But, I don't really want to go on meditation retreats.

I am not THAT into buddhism. But, it would be nice to pick up a chick that is a little bit buddhist. Or not. I got some things developing on tinder which is cool. We will see how that goes. Tinder would be infinitely easier if I was in my 20s and fun drinking all the time and adventuring. BUT I'M NOT IN MY 2Os AND I DON'T DRINK. REALITY. DEAL WITH IT.

I kind of came to the conclusion today that my priorities are kind of skewed. Like I am this broke guy carrying too much body fat doing deadlifts. If I want to be more attractive I would be making money and lowering body fat %. But, you know what? Fuck it. I like eating burgers and fries and ice cream. I don't have to have a 6 pack like Tyson Beckford, Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConnaghey.

I should be lifting for me but honestly really? I mean I enjoy it but... but what? I really just want to slide my dick into a wet vagina. I mean that isn't all. I prefer that she be cool or hot or preferably both. There is this woman named Patti Stenger who was on this show I used to watch "Millionaire Mathmaker." She would always say the penis does the picking. I think that is part of the brilliance of tinder in that I know pretty quick if I am attracted to someone. Is this some archaic form of picking? Is it barbaric that I am not reading biographies or not giving many big girls a shot? I will swipe right on a single mom if she is attractive enough, an occasional big girl if she really is "curvy" or "thick," and older women rarely. In a way I am judging the big girls for not being in shape which is valued in society just as wealth and status are valued in society for men. I am the big girl and the single mom on there. Broke dude with shit job is the big girl and single mom of tinder. Not drinking indicates fucking weirdo bore but I can overcome the bore part and I am a bit of a weirdo.

Fuck this I'm going to get some brunch.

Happy Sunday.

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I don't know. I felt like writing a journal. Figured I would do it on here. If I get comments great. If not then at least I spent some time writing some things out.

I was doing some spring cleaning and found a garbage bag full of what was my sock drawer. I had an excessive amount of condoms in there. I think I bought so many because I got a good deal but also because I thought that was going to be my life when I moved near Chicago. Well, they were sitting in that bag expired before I threw them all away. My clothes too were different. I definitely didn't have it figured out. Will I ever have it figured out? Is all we can hope for is to be present in meditation? I mean I am sitting here writing this blog. I am grasping. I am gasping. Yet, I feel comfortable.

Masturbating and eating too much are probably my biggest vices at this point. That isn't so bad. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks when calling people on the phone. That's weird I don't know where that came from. Similarly, I get anxiety attacks sometimes maybe all of the time when reading in a recovery meeting or if I am going to share. It's just weird and it's frustrating and it's tiresome.

Sometimes going online offers some relief but most of the time it is just nothing. I go to LP and there is almost always nothing nowadays. I go to facebook which I regret getting back on and it is just the same old stuff. Nothing substantial whatsoever. In fact, I am going to deactivate now. Deactivated. Then I go to reddit r/gonewild and just scroll through. Just scroll on through. I don't even masturbate I just scroll. Then sometimes I go to pornhub and just watch clips. Then sometime I masturbate. That pretty much sums up my activities online. When I am in the grips of that cycle if I go through that cycle and get bored with it at some point I am in complete existential despair. I mean not really but it is like the circuitry in my brain can't handle it. I need some type of stimulus. It's basically just what I do when I get home from work. I sit down and get hooked. Then after I eat a meal or something I have to let the food digest a bit before I can lie down and read a book.

And, I am sitting here writing a blog instead of going to an AA meeting and sort of complaining about the whole thing. I have to do something if I don't go to a recovery meeting. Oh man, we have definitely been through this before. I feel like I am growing as a person and figuring some things out but my life can sometimes seem like some vicious loop cycle. It's like one has to figure things out and get ahead of the curve in certain areas. When I got ahead of the curve in poker that was good but I fell behind the curve in other areas that were important. Or, I am just being me. If I am being honest there are just sometimes I'd rather just chill on the internet and read a book than go out with people I don't know too well. What I would really like to do is get really really high and watch some Planet Earth. That's the truth and that's a problem for an addict like me.

Oh well, tomorrow I can deadlift. Everything is right in the world when I am deadlifting. I think my food has digested enough to start reading. Until next time.

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I feel like things are not that good? I mean I continue to write blog posts that few will read and almost none comment on. I mean that is a small part of my life but I think it takes power from me. I really think being on facebook is disempowering as well. It's just bullshit I don't need. Who to add, who to not add. I haven't seen any events that I am missing out on yet either. The most de-energizing is to get caught just scrolling through my feed like a mindless zombie just not even entertained or really just pissed off I got hooked. Fuck it. I'll use it as email and patiently wait for all these events I'm supposedly missing out on.

What I need to be doing is crushing it at work and then get over to the Charleston Tibetan Center to do some meditation under the guidance of a Buddhist teacher and then grab some dinner with a friend at a bomb ass diner.

Blogging kind of feels like a junk activity. I will probably still do it just because I am hooked but right now I am not happy about it. So, I will stop.

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I turned 34 today. I have celebrated by going to a therapist appointment, picking up my car in the shop, paying a $600 car bill, and then coming home to have some lunch and then finally to have a wank to r/gonewild. I think it's more interesting just to look at and observe. I feel a similar feeling to when I eat a fast food burger and fries with a huge sweet tea. Which I haven't done in two months which is pretty good. So, I am still trying to get outside myself and looking for instant gratification. I really want to do shroom therapy. I wish that was more of a thing.

So, my relationship with AA and the people in AA seems like a tenuous one. My therapist recommended that I go to different recovery like something called Refuge Recovery. She also suggested that I volunteer in something I am passionate about. The first thing that came out of my mouth was homeless people and addicts. I think that is probably true. Why not attempt to help some of the people that have been beaten down and battered by the system? Does anyone on here volunteer? I would be interested in the possibilities.

I ate so much chocolate cake last night it feels like I gained 5 lbs. I wouldn't say my campaign to drop some body fat is hopeless but it certainly could be going better. Also, when I went for a run I acquired hideous shin splints and had to stop running at about 2 miles in. On the bright side the cardio wasn't an issue so that is good. I was running pretty slow though. Hopefully, the shin splints subside but I am not sure why they would unless I change something.

I don't get controlled or dominated at work so that is good. A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem. I still need something that is going to cover rent, food, car expenses, dental work, etc etc etc. I was really doing pretty well until I ran over a nail and went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. I had first and last month's rent with a security deposit but my current income just can't cover it. I guess I just have to accept that and put in the work to likely improve the situation or don't and continue to live with my parents. We have almost certainly been through this before. How does it feel to be 34 and living with my parents? If I remove the ego it really isn't that bad.

Connecting with people sounds so easy on paper but it is actually pretty damn difficult to do.

Do I have hope in my future? I really don't know. I think I might be getting a little depressed and I have been dealing with anxiety. It fucking sucks. Life is hard sometimes.

Wow, what an uplifting birthday post.

I am at a turning point. I am stuck in Charleston, SC. I do not have the funds to move somewhere anytime soon. So, I make the best of it and attempt to make it home or at least an understanding that it is a base and I need the training here. Or, I just drift miserably through life as if this place is a prison or purgatory. The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.

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I just finished this book and it was ok. Basically, reconnect to people, meaningful work, meaningful values, do shrooms and meditate, overcome trauma, etc. A lot of what the book was saying is that the social constructs of our world create depression and anxiety. There is a reason we are depressed and anxious and it is because of the world around us. So, it's a tough one because a lot of this stuff is kind of far fetched. One guy was miserable working in a hierarchical bike shop so he started his own bike shop collective. Everyone was happier. Stories like that are great but not always transferrable. Things like avoiding advertising or just understanding that the chase for material goods and status may only bring more depression and anxiety. Another far fetched one was shroom therapy. I would love shroom therapy and I am actually going to ask my psychiatrist about it the next time I talk to her but I am not a good candidate because of my mania unfortunately (I asked my last psychiatrist). Just going out and buying a bunch of shrooms and tripping by myself doesn't seem to have the same therapeutic value as a trip led by an expert.

It actually isn't that easy (for me) to connect with people here. I have met some cool people in AA. The thing about AA is most of those folks believe that a God is controlling their will and they can manipulate that with prayer and are pretty adamant about it. It can be kind of tough to fit in at a deeper level when I hold pretty much atheist compatibilist views. We have so much more in common than that difference but it just seems like that difference is basically the foundation of AA. I can feel the depression and the anxiety coming on a little bit as I sleep more and my days consist mostly of going to work and isolating at home. Jiu jitsu cures all (except injuries accrued through jiu jitsu).

I am getting to know the people down there at the BJJ gym. It helps that it is a smaller gym. Sometimes I worry I am losing respect as a training partner because I am so bad. One guy said we should pick up the pace but he doesn't understand I may not have that pace in my repertoire. Eh, I mean it's all ego killing. Anytime I enter the mats I am vulnerable. My ego is going to be hurt in some way. I think it is good for me.

Overcoming addiction to the self. Sometimes I get the urge to write blogs like this. Just to kind of formulate my thoughts or whatever. Looking back the practice seems a little self-obsessed but I am really just trying to get through some things, maybe grow as a person, or figure something out. I don't know if it accomplishes that or anything. I am just trying to reconnect to what I can reconnect to. Depression and anxiety is no fun. Addiction is no fun.

In AA one of the parts of the "illness" is the "spiritual malady" which in the book they basically describe as a lack of God but from my experiences that malady is basically depression and anxiety. Alcohol is an anti-depressant for as long as it works but what we need is this reconnection that Johann Hari is talking about.

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So, I have been training BJJ a bit heavier recently. Really good training. Coach pushes me very well. I am starting to realize my weak point is cardio and weight so it makes sense to add some cardio workouts and make sure to keep the diet relatively clean. I developed some tendinitis in my left arm getting arm locked and lifting heavy weights so that is another reason to back off a bit on the weights. I was definitely overtraining a bit. I don't necessarily feel it during workouts but afterwords I have to be pretty disciplined in icing my elbow joint. I want to experiment with CBD. I also miss marijuana. I went on a nice walk today in nature with my dog and would have loved just a couple of hits or so off of a joint of good weed. Listen to some Erykah Badu or Enya or some Marley. Relax after a tough training session with a volcano and some Planet Earth. I think it would be great to roll on a light dose of edibles as well.

I had a dream last night that I was going to live in the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. I watched a House Hunters International in Chile and Costa Rica. I just have a feeling I need to get to some mountains, rivers, and lakes and potentially beaches all within a bike ride or even a long hike. A 15-20min drive in my Subaru Forester would be acceptable as well. Where I am at now just feels like a base where I am building myself. Building myself for what exactly? What's the difference. I feel like I am at Richard 10.4 and this is just what I am supposed to be doing right now. Distancing myself a bit from the hardcore AA crowd while still having some presence. Sticking with Jiu Jitsu and getting into great shape. Building more and more connections. Quality connections. Giving myself more opportunity in potential meaningful work. Building more trust at work so I have more freedom. I don't want to get too carried away with the writing right now so I need to groom and go out to lunch. Peace.

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Here I go again. I just spent all day with an old friend and I am stuck at the hotel... but am I really stuck at the hotel? There is nothing better to do usually always means THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER TO DO! But, in all seriousness I can't be bothered thinking about what else I could be doing. I already played that game. It is rainy and miserable outside. I wanted to climb a mountain today! Give me a rock. I'll beat that puss Sisyphus up the hill like you wouldn't believe. With a smile on my face. This is part of the hike. The part where I just write for a really long time. Turn back now. There is nothing to see here folks.

On busyness, on what is the optimal path:

You know, my friend was talking about when he lived in Chicago how fast paced everything was. He had to be out doing stuff. He could not say no and today he mentioned about spending all day yesterday just knocking out things on his to do list. What is more valuable? I suppose it's about priorities. What if I like being out with friends? What if I want to get stuff done for the betterment. The betterment of what?



We went to a coffee shop and sat at the bar. I had a white tea. We talked about direct reports, my alcoholism, marriage, stress, stress relief, what is the good life? What is the good life?

Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance...

Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance

Maybe that can quell the bossman's oppression. A hike in nature. An intense roll. Anna Karenina. I am like a broken record.

What if we all decided not to pay taxes? If it was a pay what you want affair. Everything open sourced. Affairs handled by smaller networks. No borders, no boundaries. What if we all decided not to go to work tomorrow?



One of the bummers in life is that not everything is going to be some great transcendental experience. I just ate dinner with my parents. We had virtually nothing to catch up about. They went to tour some decadent mansion (Biltmore) while I spent the day catching up with a great friend with some really stimulating conversation. The reason I didn't go to the mansion is that it repulses me and I have no interest yet I had to sit through dinner hearing all about the details of the place. The food was good. The food was interesting. The things we humans do to fancy ourselves. I had a chile relleno filled with butternut squash over a curried lentil with a chutney sauce. Does that turn people on? How do I relive the good parts of today? Seek out all my old college buddies and do lunch? It is the addict in me. It is the restlessness in me. I want action and I want relief when I want it. And, I don't want to sit and meditate. I didn't train today. I didn't train yesterday. I am building for a massive deadlifting session to L'enfant Sauvages. It is the heaviest matter in the universe. I will be fine tomorrow morning when I am hiking mountains. Wake up at dawn or so, have a little breakfast with some coffee and get back to the forests where I need to be. Shinrin yoku is the Japanese art of forest bathing. Yes, I wish to bathe in forests. I want to get really good with firearms too. It almost seems like it is a weird time to just want to get really good with firearms but I feel like it is something to do.



I refuse to watch Netfix or play video games but listening to music and just typing my thoughts seems rather perverse. Where is this going? I wouldn't be here if there was stuff to comment on about order and chaos and competence and dominance hierarchies or something else. I have to let my food settle before I can lay down and read. I just had a thought that jumping out of my 4th floor room window would put an end to it all. It would wouldn't it but I want to wake up and have that coffee and go on that hike.

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Who knows about title. I just wanted to share I slayed it in the gym tonight. Back workout to White Zombie and Pantera. I was a bit stronger than I thought I would be but I am far away from the 500+ rack pulls from the shin, and 120 lb DB Rows for 12 reps I used to crush. I am too nervous to try pull ups. I am scared I won't even be able to do 1 and I used to hang weight for reps. I am feeling good though. I have my creatine and protein coming in the mail. It really is all about consistency and discipline though. I can't get it all back in a day. It's fun though. It gives me something to do. Picks me up. I don't have to stress over Gemini taking forever to validate my account and my Trezor wallet not working. But, here I go off to coincap to check everything again....

Anyways....

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Happy New Year everyone!

It feels pretty good. I was just comfortable and relaxed in my bed all morning. I am not hungover. I didn't leave the house yesterday except for to buy pizza and then decided I would begrudgingly go to a detox and speak to some drunks and drug addicts. My sponsor called this morning and asked what my plan was. I have just really been into cryptocurrencies recently. I may also look to transfer to another restaurant. I was in an Uber and the driver worked at this French bistro which sounded awesome. It is owned by 2 Culinary Institute of America graduates and I love French cooking. Hell, I still consider driving Uber again.

I need to buy some cereal. It sucks when it is just one thing but the grocery store is less than 5 min. away.

One thing I wanted to mention was that I am tinkering around with Steemit. If anyone is on there let's follow each other. I think I am going to have to change my blogging style there for sure. If you haven't been able to tell I kind of just like typing away with whatever is on my mind on here where as there it seems everyone is obsessed about value. I don't know. The site said it was wise to just comment on stuff but I haven't really had any of the trending or hot topics pique my interest.

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I am in an airport writing this blog and people watching. This place is packed. I don't want to snort cocaine or shoot heroine. I had a good time with my family. I could also duck out and read some Foucault or watch a Corey Anton video on YouTube. It was fun talking to my brother-in-law about cryptocurrencies. I heard the McAfree guy predicted bitcoin would be at $1,000,000 by 2020. I am definitely going to start tinkering around finding some alternative coins that I like.

All in all it was a pretty good trip though. Laid back for sure. I was in a onesie for a day and a half. That or sweatpants the whole trip. It was good seeing my family. It felt like I didn't talk to my brother all that much. I was mostly hanging out with my sisters. I stayed at my sister's because my sister-in-laws brother got drunk and threw a fit that he was not getting the room with the queen size bed so I just said whatevs and slept on my sister's couch. Dude is definitely a problem drinker having a hard time with life. There is a standing offer to go to AA meetings but after Roderick it is almost like what's the point. The point is having a worthwhile project of helping people and making friends. I have a desire not to drink and that is all I need for membership. Now, whether I will "belong" or not is another story.

My flight is delayed an hour so that is just one less hour of sleep I will get so far. We'll see. We will see. We will see is all I can say many times in life.

Women in yoga pants with pronounced buttocks. I can't help it if the eye is drawn to such objects.

I packed my damn headphones in the checked back. Fuck.

I don't know if there is anything I want to discuss. "Discipline and Punish" by Foucault but I am not really far enough into it. I changed my mind on it. The history of the modern soul is a pretty fascinating topic.

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