I don't like bowing to my buddhist teacher when he enters the room.
If I had more money it would be in bitcoin and acres in Montana.
I am a bit bored with Tinder. Funny how that was my obsession about 2 weeks ago. That is just how I operate. The novelty has worn off and I guess to be honest I am currently not that attractive of a person to date.
Or, it could be because I write things like this:
(She instructed to email her because she isn't on tinder a lot. She had a caption saying "Life is too short, Get naked. Fuck loud and make noise")
Hey,
What's up?
I saw your profile on tinder and swiped right.
Life is too short. But a blip in existence. Fuck.
Fuck.
I like that: Fuck loud and make noise.
Or at least have fun and laugh.
Get charged up. Dick hard. Clit hard. Stiff and wet. Good combinations.
Spicy thai food and mango ice cream. Pink skies on the beach. A pastry and a coffee.
If I had magenta suede chelsea boots would you touch me?
A leather jacket would you rub me?
Another sleeve of tattoos would you hug me?
I am me. That is all I can be.
Hotel suite with a bad bitch or writing poetry under a tree.
Beauty and transcendence is what I am after.
I wish to escape the prison of the mind.
Come with me. I will break the chains and we can run for it.
I know love, peace, and serenity exist.
I have been there before. We can build a boat and realize we already have access. There are no secret islands to discover.
Yeah, that was kind of ridiculous but it's what I felt at the time. Have a good week stranger. I love you and the human race.
I will never know the response because the email didn't exist or I typed it in wrong.
Tinder does get exciting when I am getting exciting matches.
I tell you what though. There is something about getting in some good training. Eating like a light salad and then going for a walk on the beach. Pink skies. Sometimes I miss pastries and coffee and cigarettes but it's not worth it. It's just not worth it. Cigarettes are still so alluring to me. There is like never a bad time for a cigarette but it is ALWAYS a bad time for a cigarette.
Vueve Clicquot and liberation. Then I end up in strip clubs and VIP rooms and driving drunk and hurricaning my life into the ground. That is the past though. That's just what I tell myself when I start thinking about buying a pizza and a couple bottles of Vueve and how fun that would be. Or my trusted black box of caubernet sauvignon. That is a bit more affordable. $1/unit. Man, that shit was my medicine. Now, I have lithium and abilify but what is there for the soul sickness? The existential sickness? Materialism is lacking. Buddhism is lacking. Imagination. Now, there is something there. Family. Friends. Helping people. How can I be helpful?
I don't want to just hold on for tonight or today. Sometimes maybe that is where I am at but I want to live life to the fullest. I think honestly sometimes that is taking a nap. I don't have to be skydiving or at some hot party doing shots to be living.
Compassion. Living from the heart. Getting a good night's sleep.
Why aren't we all driving Teslas? Well, I guess I can't really talk because I drive a Subaru Forester. It was given to me by my mom. I can't afford to drive any other car.
The Macbook Pro is really a beautiful product. I have a desktop in storage that I don't even think about.
Can love really overcome fear? I mean that is this narrative we have been given through out our lives usually in some form of moneymaking enterprise. It's what sells but it gets muddled with the narrative that we need a lot of money, and need to be physically attractive, and have a lot of stuff. I look at people with heavily branded items and I just feel like they are a bit confused. Sometimes I am a bit confused but I am not that confused. Oh well, I don't feel like talking about this anymore so I am out. Much love LP. Until next time.
So, I am on one of those searches for an elusive feeling I am not even sure I know what I am looking for. Just something different. I shaved my beard off yesterday and had to deal with all the responses today. I think most people thought I looked weird. One girl in particular who is rather honest said I shouldn't have shaved my beard and that I don't look good shaven and that now I look chubby and I didn't before. She said I should have just trimmed it. Along with some other stress and frustrations I was looking to escape. One of my tried and true is pornography obviously. When I really need it I tend to go for the JOI variety. That left me a little calmer but then I was fucking hungry. Eat the pain away. We have chips and pico de gallo! I obviously ate it all. All of it. It is all digesting in my stomach as we speak. Then I see we have a mango! Devoured. So fucking good. Then I thought. "Hey, I always seem to turn it around a little bit writing a blog on LP." I guess it is sort of a coping device for reality. I try to get down to the depths of reality while at the same time I am escaping it in a way. I could be looking at other avenues of employment. I get ghosted like 85% of the time on tinder when I mention I am a prep cook (at a chain restaurant). Yet, I go back there every day doing the same damn shit and I come home and do more or less the same damn shit. But then I find something like this:
Then I am off on this rush with Tove Lo. Listening to music, watching interviews. I love her songwriting and she gets what it is like to be an addict or just someone that loves the rushes and adventures of life. I feel like I am nearing the end of that rush like the lights have gone out and it is just me alone in my room with my computer a little lost and confused.
A little lost and confused with my obsessions and struggles. The buddhist teacher would say to meditate but I have never been one to just sit and meditate outside of a daily practice. Now is a great time to start isn't it? And I say fuck that. I want to do ecstasy with Tove Lo at Coachella, smoke some dank weed, and get lost in each other and our pleasures. Craving, suffering, I got it. Yup. I can just let the cravings pass. The anguish pass. Almost to the point of being free of craving and anguish. Sometimes I rather indulge in all of it. Get lost in memories and fantasies. Eat an entire pint of ice cream. Sneak into the bathroom with my phone and my pornhub. Junk food. Junk values. How do we rise above?
In other Swedish pop star news: Avicii killed himself. Cut himself with broken glass and bled to death. Honestly, I have been there before. I really related to Avicii and his story. I remember LOVING his song "Alcoholic" even before I realized I was actually an alcoholic. Man, I was on Avicii early before he even had any of his own songs. Back when he was MURDERING it in clubs around the world. He put together some of the best hours I have ever experienced. I have been where Avicii was. I just decided to burn myself instead of cut myself. It hits close to home because that is probably how I will end up going if I ever started drinking again. Especially now that is in my mind it is almost a fucked up romanticized view of it. What a fitting death for alcoholic me. Slitting my wrist with a broken Jack Daniels bottle. It also shows one can seemingly have it all and be so discontented with life that they end it. It actually makes me really sad. Avicii is one of those stars that I felt a kinship and if he can't get out of this thing without killing himself what hope do I have? I just keep on trucking. That's all I can do.
I had an old ipod with just a crazy selection of Avicii's best sets caught on tape. Unfortunately, it died and all of those will be gone for forever (as far as I know). I have this in my mind that there was one from like 2010 at Glow in Washington D.C. that was off the charts but everything he was doing at that time was crazy.
I dug this up:
I think there was definitely some better stuff from small'ish clubs around this time but if you like EDM this is killing it. Makes me forget I am just a meaningless organism living in a meaningless world for a while at least. But, how do I make this existence BETTER!?!?!? If I shave I can better go down on women. If I buy the chelsea boots and the leather jacket and the watch and we go to the cool lounge and what do I order? Oh, god what do I order? I can't order a san pelligrino because I got ghosted when I suggested that with a random tinder chick. Same with cappucino. But, fuck it, maybe I just want to lounge in a lounge and drink some sparkling water. Fuck it. Maybe I don't even want to go to a lounge. I don't want to dress up in the lounge outfit. Black armani shirt with black jeans and black chelsea boots. See, I already have chelsea boots just not tan ones that I want. I also want charcoal and maybe something a bit out there like magenta in suede. Magenta suede chelsea boots would surely get me laid no? Oh, there is more to it than that. Like not being a prep cook at a chain restaurant and living with my parents at 34.
The actors in Hollywood tell me to eat chicken, rice, and steamed vegetables all day and train a few hours a day and I can look like a superhero. ORLY? That's it? You don't say.
It is kind of crazy that this guy who seemingly had it all and also was quite useful ended it so abruptly. Listening to this mix led to so many great workouts and more fun car rides. On another tangent it's like I am detached and don't care at all. Like a fly that hit the windshield. I want to know more about the circumstances. Was he drinking? Was he trying to get sober at any point? Were there other drugs involved?
Oh well. I don't know if I have any answers. I am just writing to escape like I said earlier. Cope with life. Sometimes it is so easy, happy, and carefree and sometimes it just seems like a chore, no fire, the candle is at a low flicker, and full of anxiety and confusion and fogginess. All I can do is my best or good enough. Keep stepping forward. I am here, now. So, what does that mean? I need to fuck around with some paint. Maybe start sketching tattoos. Now, there's an idea. Reality is too harsh for me sometimes. That is just a fact. I need ways to escape that aren't too damaging and don't put me in a constant suffering/craving/anesthetize loop.
So, I just watched "Carmina Burana" to ballet and it was fucking brilliant. Between the Lebanese coffee and the show I am like pumped up. Oh man, "O Fortuna" is like overwhelming and there was a piece after the fall where there is a learned balance between the pitfalls of earthly pleasures and awareness that was so blissful. I had tears steaming down my face. The costumes were incredible as well as the lighting. You can't ignore the beauty and grace in the dancers. Such remarkable symmetry. But what do I want? I want to fuck a bad bitch like Kleio Valentine (NSFW).
Tinder and Snapchat is the new Liquidpoker and r/gonewild for me. It's just different things substituted. I smell some pussy and I am planning on which chelsea boots to buy, which leather jacket to buy, my next tattoo while forgetting I still live at home with my parents and have dental bills and yada yada yada. I have a date with a girl that we'll find out what she is actually going to look like when she shows up. She is pretty cool though so I figure we'll give it a shot. I have to get some more/(better) pics up on tinder. I would like a nice influx of matches always coming in. I don't want to get tinder plus until I have a better profile and some more experience under my belt. You see this? All the plans and fantasies. I'm a fucking maniac. I really should sit and breathe more. So, many people fucking say that. I guess I am a little restless at the moment. I want so bad to win at life and I have too many plans and fantasies and I don't even know what my priorities are. I know my first priority is I really can't drink alcohol or do drugs. Shit is fucked if I do. I think renunciation of the material is such a tricky one. It is like people in overeaters anonymous. A little different because I absolutely need to eat to survive but do I really need to go to the lengths of buddhist monk and completely abstain from the material? The other end is broke me in dope outfits.
So, I RSVP'd to my friend's wedding and tried on my suit. It's tight! Tight as in too tight and barely fits. So, I think it is time to burn some fat. I am not quite where I would like to be in the muscle aspect but I think it is more important to burn fat at this point. That means less food and more cardio.
Some topics in here for sure. I just needed to get some stuff out of my brain. What do I really want? AA tells me peace and serenity. I think that is about right.
Death is certain. The timing of it is uncertain. Impermanence abounds. Even stars die on a long enough time line. We get to the meagerest of triple digits if we are lucky and/or extremely prudent with our health. I am all about making the most of this time on Earth but I still struggle with it. Anguish and suffering. On one hand it is cool to sit and be with the breath on another hand I just did my taxes and I only made $10,000 this year. I know I am on this journey. I don't know if I would call it spiritual. Renunciation of material goods and junk values. But, not many want to date a broke prep cook living with his parents. Maybe I want to date a little bit and have some fun with the fairer sex. Maybe I should just go on meditation retreats to pick up. But, I don't really want to go on meditation retreats.
I am not THAT into buddhism. But, it would be nice to pick up a chick that is a little bit buddhist. Or not. I got some things developing on tinder which is cool. We will see how that goes. Tinder would be infinitely easier if I was in my 20s and fun drinking all the time and adventuring. BUT I'M NOT IN MY 2Os AND I DON'T DRINK. REALITY. DEAL WITH IT.
I kind of came to the conclusion today that my priorities are kind of skewed. Like I am this broke guy carrying too much body fat doing deadlifts. If I want to be more attractive I would be making money and lowering body fat %. But, you know what? Fuck it. I like eating burgers and fries and ice cream. I don't have to have a 6 pack like Tyson Beckford, Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConnaghey.
I should be lifting for me but honestly really? I mean I enjoy it but... but what? I really just want to slide my dick into a wet vagina. I mean that isn't all. I prefer that she be cool or hot or preferably both. There is this woman named Patti Stenger who was on this show I used to watch "Millionaire Mathmaker." She would always say the penis does the picking. I think that is part of the brilliance of tinder in that I know pretty quick if I am attracted to someone. Is this some archaic form of picking? Is it barbaric that I am not reading biographies or not giving many big girls a shot? I will swipe right on a single mom if she is attractive enough, an occasional big girl if she really is "curvy" or "thick," and older women rarely. In a way I am judging the big girls for not being in shape which is valued in society just as wealth and status are valued in society for men. I am the big girl and the single mom on there. Broke dude with shit job is the big girl and single mom of tinder. Not drinking indicates fucking weirdo bore but I can overcome the bore part and I am a bit of a weirdo.
I don't know. I felt like writing a journal. Figured I would do it on here. If I get comments great. If not then at least I spent some time writing some things out.
I was doing some spring cleaning and found a garbage bag full of what was my sock drawer. I had an excessive amount of condoms in there. I think I bought so many because I got a good deal but also because I thought that was going to be my life when I moved near Chicago. Well, they were sitting in that bag expired before I threw them all away. My clothes too were different. I definitely didn't have it figured out. Will I ever have it figured out? Is all we can hope for is to be present in meditation? I mean I am sitting here writing this blog. I am grasping. I am gasping. Yet, I feel comfortable.
Masturbating and eating too much are probably my biggest vices at this point. That isn't so bad. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks when calling people on the phone. That's weird I don't know where that came from. Similarly, I get anxiety attacks sometimes maybe all of the time when reading in a recovery meeting or if I am going to share. It's just weird and it's frustrating and it's tiresome.
Sometimes going online offers some relief but most of the time it is just nothing. I go to LP and there is almost always nothing nowadays. I go to facebook which I regret getting back on and it is just the same old stuff. Nothing substantial whatsoever. In fact, I am going to deactivate now. Deactivated. Then I go to reddit r/gonewild and just scroll through. Just scroll on through. I don't even masturbate I just scroll. Then sometimes I go to pornhub and just watch clips. Then sometime I masturbate. That pretty much sums up my activities online. When I am in the grips of that cycle if I go through that cycle and get bored with it at some point I am in complete existential despair. I mean not really but it is like the circuitry in my brain can't handle it. I need some type of stimulus. It's basically just what I do when I get home from work. I sit down and get hooked. Then after I eat a meal or something I have to let the food digest a bit before I can lie down and read a book.
And, I am sitting here writing a blog instead of going to an AA meeting and sort of complaining about the whole thing. I have to do something if I don't go to a recovery meeting. Oh man, we have definitely been through this before. I feel like I am growing as a person and figuring some things out but my life can sometimes seem like some vicious loop cycle. It's like one has to figure things out and get ahead of the curve in certain areas. When I got ahead of the curve in poker that was good but I fell behind the curve in other areas that were important. Or, I am just being me. If I am being honest there are just sometimes I'd rather just chill on the internet and read a book than go out with people I don't know too well. What I would really like to do is get really really high and watch some Planet Earth. That's the truth and that's a problem for an addict like me.
Oh well, tomorrow I can deadlift. Everything is right in the world when I am deadlifting. I think my food has digested enough to start reading. Until next time.
I feel like things are not that good? I mean I continue to write blog posts that few will read and almost none comment on. I mean that is a small part of my life but I think it takes power from me. I really think being on facebook is disempowering as well. It's just bullshit I don't need. Who to add, who to not add. I haven't seen any events that I am missing out on yet either. The most de-energizing is to get caught just scrolling through my feed like a mindless zombie just not even entertained or really just pissed off I got hooked. Fuck it. I'll use it as email and patiently wait for all these events I'm supposedly missing out on.
What I need to be doing is crushing it at work and then get over to the Charleston Tibetan Center to do some meditation under the guidance of a Buddhist teacher and then grab some dinner with a friend at a bomb ass diner.
Blogging kind of feels like a junk activity. I will probably still do it just because I am hooked but right now I am not happy about it. So, I will stop.
I turned 34 today. I have celebrated by going to a therapist appointment, picking up my car in the shop, paying a $600 car bill, and then coming home to have some lunch and then finally to have a wank to r/gonewild. I think it's more interesting just to look at and observe. I feel a similar feeling to when I eat a fast food burger and fries with a huge sweet tea. Which I haven't done in two months which is pretty good. So, I am still trying to get outside myself and looking for instant gratification. I really want to do shroom therapy. I wish that was more of a thing.
So, my relationship with AA and the people in AA seems like a tenuous one. My therapist recommended that I go to different recovery like something called Refuge Recovery. She also suggested that I volunteer in something I am passionate about. The first thing that came out of my mouth was homeless people and addicts. I think that is probably true. Why not attempt to help some of the people that have been beaten down and battered by the system? Does anyone on here volunteer? I would be interested in the possibilities.
I ate so much chocolate cake last night it feels like I gained 5 lbs. I wouldn't say my campaign to drop some body fat is hopeless but it certainly could be going better. Also, when I went for a run I acquired hideous shin splints and had to stop running at about 2 miles in. On the bright side the cardio wasn't an issue so that is good. I was running pretty slow though. Hopefully, the shin splints subside but I am not sure why they would unless I change something.
I don't get controlled or dominated at work so that is good. A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem. I still need something that is going to cover rent, food, car expenses, dental work, etc etc etc. I was really doing pretty well until I ran over a nail and went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. I had first and last month's rent with a security deposit but my current income just can't cover it. I guess I just have to accept that and put in the work to likely improve the situation or don't and continue to live with my parents. We have almost certainly been through this before. How does it feel to be 34 and living with my parents? If I remove the ego it really isn't that bad.
Connecting with people sounds so easy on paper but it is actually pretty damn difficult to do.
Do I have hope in my future? I really don't know. I think I might be getting a little depressed and I have been dealing with anxiety. It fucking sucks. Life is hard sometimes.
Wow, what an uplifting birthday post.
I am at a turning point. I am stuck in Charleston, SC. I do not have the funds to move somewhere anytime soon. So, I make the best of it and attempt to make it home or at least an understanding that it is a base and I need the training here. Or, I just drift miserably through life as if this place is a prison or purgatory. The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.
I just finished this book and it was ok. Basically, reconnect to people, meaningful work, meaningful values, do shrooms and meditate, overcome trauma, etc. A lot of what the book was saying is that the social constructs of our world create depression and anxiety. There is a reason we are depressed and anxious and it is because of the world around us. So, it's a tough one because a lot of this stuff is kind of far fetched. One guy was miserable working in a hierarchical bike shop so he started his own bike shop collective. Everyone was happier. Stories like that are great but not always transferrable. Things like avoiding advertising or just understanding that the chase for material goods and status may only bring more depression and anxiety. Another far fetched one was shroom therapy. I would love shroom therapy and I am actually going to ask my psychiatrist about it the next time I talk to her but I am not a good candidate because of my mania unfortunately (I asked my last psychiatrist). Just going out and buying a bunch of shrooms and tripping by myself doesn't seem to have the same therapeutic value as a trip led by an expert.
It actually isn't that easy (for me) to connect with people here. I have met some cool people in AA. The thing about AA is most of those folks believe that a God is controlling their will and they can manipulate that with prayer and are pretty adamant about it. It can be kind of tough to fit in at a deeper level when I hold pretty much atheist compatibilist views. We have so much more in common than that difference but it just seems like that difference is basically the foundation of AA. I can feel the depression and the anxiety coming on a little bit as I sleep more and my days consist mostly of going to work and isolating at home. Jiu jitsu cures all (except injuries accrued through jiu jitsu).
I am getting to know the people down there at the BJJ gym. It helps that it is a smaller gym. Sometimes I worry I am losing respect as a training partner because I am so bad. One guy said we should pick up the pace but he doesn't understand I may not have that pace in my repertoire. Eh, I mean it's all ego killing. Anytime I enter the mats I am vulnerable. My ego is going to be hurt in some way. I think it is good for me.
Overcoming addiction to the self. Sometimes I get the urge to write blogs like this. Just to kind of formulate my thoughts or whatever. Looking back the practice seems a little self-obsessed but I am really just trying to get through some things, maybe grow as a person, or figure something out. I don't know if it accomplishes that or anything. I am just trying to reconnect to what I can reconnect to. Depression and anxiety is no fun. Addiction is no fun.
In AA one of the parts of the "illness" is the "spiritual malady" which in the book they basically describe as a lack of God but from my experiences that malady is basically depression and anxiety. Alcohol is an anti-depressant for as long as it works but what we need is this reconnection that Johann Hari is talking about.
So, I have been training BJJ a bit heavier recently. Really good training. Coach pushes me very well. I am starting to realize my weak point is cardio and weight so it makes sense to add some cardio workouts and make sure to keep the diet relatively clean. I developed some tendinitis in my left arm getting arm locked and lifting heavy weights so that is another reason to back off a bit on the weights. I was definitely overtraining a bit. I don't necessarily feel it during workouts but afterwords I have to be pretty disciplined in icing my elbow joint. I want to experiment with CBD. I also miss marijuana. I went on a nice walk today in nature with my dog and would have loved just a couple of hits or so off of a joint of good weed. Listen to some Erykah Badu or Enya or some Marley. Relax after a tough training session with a volcano and some Planet Earth. I think it would be great to roll on a light dose of edibles as well.
I had a dream last night that I was going to live in the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. I watched a House Hunters International in Chile and Costa Rica. I just have a feeling I need to get to some mountains, rivers, and lakes and potentially beaches all within a bike ride or even a long hike. A 15-20min drive in my Subaru Forester would be acceptable as well. Where I am at now just feels like a base where I am building myself. Building myself for what exactly? What's the difference. I feel like I am at Richard 10.4 and this is just what I am supposed to be doing right now. Distancing myself a bit from the hardcore AA crowd while still having some presence. Sticking with Jiu Jitsu and getting into great shape. Building more and more connections. Quality connections. Giving myself more opportunity in potential meaningful work. Building more trust at work so I have more freedom. I don't want to get too carried away with the writing right now so I need to groom and go out to lunch. Peace.
Here I go again. I just spent all day with an old friend and I am stuck at the hotel... but am I really stuck at the hotel? There is nothing better to do usually always means THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER TO DO! But, in all seriousness I can't be bothered thinking about what else I could be doing. I already played that game. It is rainy and miserable outside. I wanted to climb a mountain today! Give me a rock. I'll beat that puss Sisyphus up the hill like you wouldn't believe. With a smile on my face. This is part of the hike. The part where I just write for a really long time. Turn back now. There is nothing to see here folks.
On busyness, on what is the optimal path:
You know, my friend was talking about when he lived in Chicago how fast paced everything was. He had to be out doing stuff. He could not say no and today he mentioned about spending all day yesterday just knocking out things on his to do list. What is more valuable? I suppose it's about priorities. What if I like being out with friends? What if I want to get stuff done for the betterment. The betterment of what?
We went to a coffee shop and sat at the bar. I had a white tea. We talked about direct reports, my alcoholism, marriage, stress, stress relief, what is the good life? What is the good life?
Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance...
Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance
Maybe that can quell the bossman's oppression. A hike in nature. An intense roll. Anna Karenina. I am like a broken record.
What if we all decided not to pay taxes? If it was a pay what you want affair. Everything open sourced. Affairs handled by smaller networks. No borders, no boundaries. What if we all decided not to go to work tomorrow?
One of the bummers in life is that not everything is going to be some great transcendental experience. I just ate dinner with my parents. We had virtually nothing to catch up about. They went to tour some decadent mansion (Biltmore) while I spent the day catching up with a great friend with some really stimulating conversation. The reason I didn't go to the mansion is that it repulses me and I have no interest yet I had to sit through dinner hearing all about the details of the place. The food was good. The food was interesting. The things we humans do to fancy ourselves. I had a chile relleno filled with butternut squash over a curried lentil with a chutney sauce. Does that turn people on? How do I relive the good parts of today? Seek out all my old college buddies and do lunch? It is the addict in me. It is the restlessness in me. I want action and I want relief when I want it. And, I don't want to sit and meditate. I didn't train today. I didn't train yesterday. I am building for a massive deadlifting session to L'enfant Sauvages. It is the heaviest matter in the universe. I will be fine tomorrow morning when I am hiking mountains. Wake up at dawn or so, have a little breakfast with some coffee and get back to the forests where I need to be. Shinrin yoku is the Japanese art of forest bathing. Yes, I wish to bathe in forests. I want to get really good with firearms too. It almost seems like it is a weird time to just want to get really good with firearms but I feel like it is something to do.
I refuse to watch Netfix or play video games but listening to music and just typing my thoughts seems rather perverse. Where is this going? I wouldn't be here if there was stuff to comment on about order and chaos and competence and dominance hierarchies or something else. I have to let my food settle before I can lay down and read. I just had a thought that jumping out of my 4th floor room window would put an end to it all. It would wouldn't it but I want to wake up and have that coffee and go on that hike.
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