sup

Everything I say has been said before.

I am wrestling with how to write a song. The first song I wrote I wrote the guitar part first and then just mostly improvised the melody. It was a fun little song but I set it aside in the archives. I learned that the "correct" way to write a song is to lay down the beat first, then chords (guitars, piano, whatever), and then the vocals. This makes sense to me but it can't be the only way. Townes Van Zandt many times wrote the vocals before laying down the guitar. SIA doesn't write anything. She just improvises the melodies that eventually become a song accompanied by a piano. I wrote a song the other day that was basically poetry but I don't really know how to then go back and make it musical with a guitar or add a beat with a MIDI controller. It's still very much early stages and I just turned 38. It's fun though. Something to do. Better than waiting to die (Van Zandt). See, I told you everything I say has been said already.

I think if I study Van Zandt and Bob Dylan that is all the education I need for writing songs. The funny thing is I think my voice is suited for country better than any other genre but I feel like an outsider and I fight it. It's not as sexy as singing a falsetto or yelling. I can appreciate the production of a deadmau5 or NIN but I am not a classically trained pianist... So, I love the production of some of these people in Digital Audio Workstations (DAWs) but there is something to writing a song and playing an acoustic guitar. I get intimidated by some of the Texas drawl and sensibilities. Basically, I have to find my voice. Although, Jason Molina did just fine and is from the same place I am from. I don't want to copy Trent Reznor, or Thome Yorke, or Leadbelly, or Robert Johnson, or Townes Van Zandt. I just want to create what is in my heart and archive it as basically journal entries.

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I feel empty, I feel lonely, I feel worn out. Which is why I am here. It's a feeling that fried chicken and iced cream won't fix. At least not at this hour. I missed my AA home group tonight due to work. That would have had the potential to cure my woes. At least for an evening. But, sometimes I get the feeling that I am attempting to run with the herd with out running or following the rules. Believe me, I have had vicious substance abuse problems in my life and I have a desire to not use substances in the present or the future. I run into problems when I don't have working substances at my disposal. I don't honestly think I could find anything that works in the long run anyways. Certainly not some God of my own imagination either. I am an insect among this cold universe. Even underneath these fiery stars.

On the terrestrial, mundane side of things we might be witnessing the start of World War III and all I give a damn about is how am I going to get through work without too much displeasure and how am I going to make music. I think there is sort of an underlying terror to all of this more heightened than normal. There are things worse than nuclear weapons. Anyways, my laptop is too old to run the Steinberg UR12 Audio Interface and MXL 990 Condenser Microphone and an appropriate DAW (Digital Audio Workstation)...

My new goal is to build my own desktop. Worth it?

What does everyone think?

I don't want any Apple products. I want Windows 11 and Ableton Live 11. I probably want to game too but I don't want the project to get too expensive.

This gives me something to look forward to among the chaos. Will I care if a smorgasbord of suffering is headed my way if I am writing songs or pwning noobs? I hope not.

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Anyone still come around here?

I sneaked some painting in last night and this morning. God, I love painting. The ideal would be to have a studio as part of a dwelling. What I painted was kind of weird and seemingly trivial but it was still fun and got that sort of expression out. I am still practicing guitar but practicing chords isn't the same as creating a song or a painting. I think another part of the ideal is just having a girlfriend I could do stuff with. Yes, I think expressing ourselves sexually is important but just doing random stuff. You know, some other friends so I don't get too sick of the girlfriend.

I think with the guitar I have to really get into the chord shapes and not be complacent about it. As my teacher said it is not just about the fingers but also the hand, wrist, and arm.

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I've got the blues but I can't really play the blues (yet).

I wake up at a good hour greeting the morning sun. I run errands. I read a book. I take a nap.

{side note}

- Twitter is the same old shit all the time. I don't need all that information.

- Reddit is just too much. It's too extreme. I don't want to experience life through the lens of reddit.

- Liquidpoker.net - I just keep coming back. Just when I thought I was out it drags me right back in.

I was going to go to Food Not Bombs today and thought about 3 different AA meetings I could go to and didn't end up going to any of them.

I got some good guitar work in.

Is this life? Recover one day to work the next days. Work, eat something, don't get dehydrated, blot out the consciousness with whatever will work to do it all over again the next day?

We are all knuckleheads just flinging poo seeing what has some sort of impact.

Let's say I do learn John Mayer's guitar solo on Frank Ocean's Pyramids and can perform the full vocals and guitar and perhaps even the synthesizer composition... Then what?

The reward is in the journey. We must imagine Sisyphus happy and all that crap... I can sing the blues but I can't make my guitar sing the blues (yet).

It's grey winter out there today. Last night there was a light crescent moon and black grey clouds in the darkest dark of night. Listening to Emma Ruth Rundle driving home with the cream street lights illuminating the road it felt like a perfect moment. I was enmeshed with joy. Now, today, tonight, I sit here discontented with existence. It was as if last night was a dream. The thought of it brings me envy. The only chance to bring me out of this ennui is perhaps soothing hot white tea and more chipping away at the ole guitar or maybe it will be something completely unexpected.

I've got the blues bad and maybe the only remedy is more blues but what if the blues is like benzos in that the more you take the more there is a rebound anxiety? One becomes dependent on the blues.

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I can post here if I want it is just not in my best interest. I have plenty to ruminate on.

The point is I was practicing Protection by Emma Ruth Rundle on guitar and honestly typing this I am better off going back to practicing.

It is also not wise for me to get into any sort of "debate" with people on here or even respond to anything.

Subtle brag that I am practicing a hard song for me on guitar. Love the chords I just can't play 1/3 of them yet.

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Happy new year to anyone that may still be around here including the lurkers. In 2022, it seems I still have a compulsion to post here.

I finally got a job. The title is salesperson but I'm basically a fashion retail hoe. I don't suck dick but I will sell sweaters for cash apparently. I figure I'll give it a go. The company allegedly is a good company to work for so we shall see.

2021 flew by. Isn't there some hypothesis that time is relative or something like that? Or, the classic as one ages time speeds up. Terrifying. I realize aging is inevitable but the degradation of the body is no fun.

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Pretty colors.

If any of you lot is unemployed how many hours a day are you looking for a job?

I feel like there are only so many jobs for me out there and applying does not take too long but I know some people who are savage about the job hunt.

I don't know. This morning nothing was all that appetizing. I've got some interviews in the mix so maybe I feel higher than I should because interviews can come and go like a flash. I mean I just can't ever see myself putting in an 8 hour day on searching for a job. The more normal my sleep schedule the harder it is to be a NEET. There are only so many things to occupy the time. I came back to the Habermas but it is like I lost my place or never had a place in that book. I learned to code more. That almost seems like a waste as I don't know what my destiny will be. I wanted to learn Rust but I can't really go through the book because it is for good programmers. Even if I get good I don't see myself enjoying sitting around programming for 8-10 hours / day. I've gotten such conflicting advice regarding coding at this point it's me saying fuck off to people thinking I have to optimize every minute of my life and let me just tinker around and hack and have some fun.

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Sometimes I don't understand my brother and sister-and-law. They itemized out 15 Marvel movies they need to see/re-see before seeing yet another shitty Marvel movie that is not out in theatres yet. 30+ hours of watching shitty Marvel movies sounds like torture to me. I also don't get how they can budget in a 5 figure trip to Disney a year in advance and my brother is not allowed to get a video game he wants when he wants it. I was thinking though that maybe their watching of excessive bad movies is not as bad as me being on here. On here feels more active which it is. It is almost a bad thing. The faster I type the faster I type the more I post the faster I type to type faster to post faster. There are some elements of addiction to it. I could finish Dark season 3. I could finish Arcane season 1. I could finish Dune (the book). I'd rather sit here listening to music and typing up literally whatever. OMG who knows what will happen when I click send.

Ooga Booga Vote Trump Ooga Booga

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Friday night. Friday night lights. Listening to Balam Acab. ACAB. Let's go!

I remember the days when Friday night lights meant something. It meant me, captain of the lacrosse team leading the way trotting out to More Human Than Human by White Zombie with the moaning at the beginning under the Lights. That is a check mark for this blog about romanticizing the past.

{Lasagna Recipe}

I've been quiet but I predict hiems will eventually try and go after me. At this juncture I am an easier target than Loco and that is just a fact. I don't even have enough money to fill up the gas tank so I can go out tonight so I am stuck here eating my nephew's left overs:

2 chicken tendies
about a cup or 2 of mac n cheese
3 sugar cookies with coffee

It cost me $0 + whatever the fraction of a coffee bag is.

hiems, making fun of me for roping or seppuku I don't think it goes down like that in my current state. I've only thought about it deadly seriously once and I had 60 units of alcohol in me. I'm not violent enough. It would probably involve Ativan but once I take the Ativan I would feel better unless I overdose on it but I don't want to do that and I don't want to drink alcohol even though my life appears to be in a dire situation which it is but I am not miserable like you claim. This could change obviously but I am not even mad I'm not going out tonight. Last week at the ending prayer I was holding hands with an attractive female and my hand started to tremor because of the medications I am on. I was going to let go of her hand but she grabbed on tighter and finished the prayer. I told her I am sorry about the tremor and she gave 0 shits. That happens to me all the time by the way. It's annoying. It's really not a bad enough outcome to avoid AA altogether it's just annoying. As long as there is no proselytizing, socialization with this group is actually more interesting than many. We've been to hell and back which just brings a more extreme sense of humor and levity I have not come across anywhere else.

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Has anyone ever met someone that is a retire at 55 zealot?

Criticizing anyone that spends money or wants to live in a beautiful place, et al.?

There is almost a hubris in their plans.

Counting every penny.

It would suck to have to work at 55 but what are people going to do at 55?

What do people do at 65?

The existence and the opportunity for experience is just not the same as in one's 20s.

I mean it also depends on the person. What is optimal?

This person's spouse posted that his only joy in life was finding a new green tea he liked at Costco. Like, what the fuck world are we living in? I am not saying we have to pop bottles and make it rain at strip clubs because that is fucking stupid too. I don't know what I am saying. Just throwing some stuff out there.

I would say I am firmly in the enjoy life when younger and take some big swings at risk.

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