It's a blog, man

A note on friends. The biggest factor in friendship is proximity. I am not saying the friends I had from 2006-2010 were not real friends or true companions. In the moment I thought it would never end. But, people move and move on.

I'm sitting here listening to Balam Acab just trying to chill and fill up the white space. I'd call it far from artistry but when I paint I know what it is to be an artist.

So, if I am almost never that thrilled about work I think that is almost a normal thing. The problem is on my time off what am I doing? I can get into these modes where everything is a chore. Playing the guitar is a chore. Reading Hegel is a chore. Doing anything feels like a chore. It's a horrible feeling. The guitar should be liberating! My days off should be more than just rest to work again. I walked my dog today. That was probably the coolest thing I did apart from meet a really cool person (barber).

Part of being an alcoholic is that I am naturally very self-centered and self-absorbed. You can easily see this in my writings even today. In order to be the perfect man, The Wise Man, the satisfied man I must be perfectly self-conscious. Maybe that is something that I struggle with but I think I have beaten humility into myself enough but people can be too hard on themselves as well. It really is a tricky thing to be Perfectly Self-Conscious. It is almost unfathomable to be perfectly satisfied or perfectly moral. I am still processing if I even want to be perfectly satisfied.

I want to be recognized but I don't want to risk my life.

Make some AI friends.

On September 12 2023 04:09 PuertoRican wrote: + Show Spoiler + Make some AI friends.

That movie looks terrible.

why did you go to Argentina and what did you do there?

I moved to Argentina because it looked amazing and I was unhappy where I was living. I played poker there and lived The Good Life. It's funny that I naturally lived The Good Life without reading any Aristotle, Nietszche, etc. in my twenties and I try so hard to get back to some semblance of that life but it may be impossible at this point. Which is ok. I am learning to be more satisfied with what I have and the reality of potentialities in the future. The reality is it's hard to find something like poker that could provide a high income and provide so much freedom. My virtuosities don't necessarily lend themselves to finding something similar in the future and I am mostly tired from work all the time.

You were slightly more Technical than Tillerman imo.

Go lift with the hairdresser, could always find another barber if you had to. If you're always looking for the Other start taking steps towards it Broski.

I don't understand. I was slightly more technical than tillerman? What does that mean?

I would lift with the hairdresser but I was a dumbass and did not tell her I didn't have facebook. She did not say to call her she said to add her on facebook. My plan is to just get another haircut by her when I need it and tell her I don't have facebook. She has a boyfriend which is fine. I could befriend him as well who knows. My plan is not to lie in the wings waiting for them to break up but just be friends. I am an adult I can have female friends. I have been going out more in search of The Other. Nothing has really materialized yet. I am getting good human connection in general though so it's easier not to force anything.

You were a slightly more technical player than Tillerman at WC3, but slightly less technical than 1st~Chemy

I would download an app like Whatsapp or Line when you ask her number so you don't sound like a total boomer. She could be bullshitting about her bf if she's asking you to lift with her. Maybe she has other friends too that you could potentially meet. Either way glad to see you doing well bruv.

I still don't know what technical means or how you would know if I was technical or not.

I don't need to ask her number. I already have her number but she said to friend her on facebook. I don't have facebook and I am not going to get it just because she has it. She could be bullshitting about boyfriend. I don't like deception so that would be a negative for me.

Are you going to let her outbench you at the gym to help increase her self confidence or nah?

There is no chance I would do that.

Paris, Texas is a great film.

Time to share and that is what I am doing sharing. Many times I am sharing too much but it is a share nonetheless. A share like in an AA meeting except there is no topic. More of a stream of concsiousness reflection.

Work has been difficult. I think that is one that has been with me for a while. I don't even know if it is my fault. I could take extreme ownership but what is possible? It's bigger than me. It's the buyers. It's the distribution centers. It's the regional operations managers and above. There is a lot of nepotism in the company.

You can try the best you can,
You can try the best you can,
The best you can is good enough.

I've built up some money that I can weather some months but the problem is health insurance. I don't know if I could get decent health insurance and this drives me mad.

It looks like if I quit my job I qualify for special enrollment period for Marketplace Health Insurance. Hmmmm.

I've got some things to think about...

starfield is aight. also don't fuck some antifa tier barber.

So... did you smash yet or nah?

We're all waiting for an update on you and the gym rat.

On September 18 2023 05:59 CurbStomp2 wrote: starfield is aight. also don't fuck some antifa tier barber.

Should I get Starfield?

I would doubt she is antifa but more likely to be antifa than your average barber I suppose. I met all the leftists in the area at a bbq one time. She wasn't there. There were some antifa level people at that party but it was mostly Democratic Socialist of America there.

On September 18 2023 06:36 CurbStomp2 wrote: + Show Spoiler +

This is the culture you strive for in Finland?

On September 18 2023 14:31 PuertoRican wrote: So... did you smash yet or nah? We're all waiting for an update on you and the gym rat.

There is no update coming for probably 3 weeks. I have already decided not to call her and tell her in person I don't have facebook since she asked me to friend her on facebook. I honestly don't see it going anywhere because she has a boyfriend and what are we going to do? Watch anime together? Go to music shows together? She plays WoW and I don't play WoW. The only thing that makes sense is to lift together but if we aren't on the same program that's kind of weird too.

Skip Starfield. Get the Metal Gear solid 1-3 Re-release coming next month.

Also stop sweating the health insurance, it's not a big deal to get.

And like Puerto said...Get movin' on the chica.

Should I get PS5 digital version or console version?

The health insurance is a big deal in that it has to cover my medications and psychiatry / therapy. Shit gets real expensive if it does not.

Maybe you should be saying get movin' on the chicas. There are other women in the world besides my barber who there is a very little chance that I will sleep with her and that would not be my motivations in moving things forward. The best way for us to be friends would be if I decided to start playing Classic World of Warcraft and I'm just not going to do that.

I want to do heroin with out doing heroin. I recently watched a video where someone explained it like feeling weightless and orgasmic. I just had an orgasm and it felt pretty good. I wish it were even more powerful and prolonged. Who the fuck doesn't!?

I suppose I will settle with reading some Samuel Beckett.

This human existence...

It's a blog, man. I'm just sitting here listening to Ry Cooder and Gonjasufi. I watched Paris, Texas again tonight. So fucking good. That is my Entertainment. I feel like that movie could be playing at any moment and I could watch it again.

Sometimes I get frustrated with my psychiatrist. He basically just throws drugs at me and I take them and deal with the side effects. He drives a Porsche. I see him for like 10 min. and he makes $100 or so dollars. I know know. He didn't make the rules. He just figured them out I suppose. I don't think he's a bad guy either it's just like what the fuck?

Let It Happen by Tame Impala is another form of Entertainment for me.

I also realized today that well-breasted redheads are an archetype that I am drawn towards. M was a well-breasted redhead. That relationship got to be beyond absurd. I moved and we have not spoken since. I felt like today I was thinking about this stuff and I missed her. My friend brought her up in conversation. She went to check on her sponsor because no one had seen him around. She broke into the house. The house that was usually immaculate was a disaster with alcohol bottles everywhere. She found him dead on the floor. I was just happy to hear that she was ok. She was The Other. Until she wasn't. But, actually maybe she will always be The Other in a way. K was The Other. African Queen archetype. I definitely go for that. C was The Other. Flawless Asian is another archetype. I always said I don't really have a type. Walking the streets of Buenos Aires is ridiculous too by the way. Walking the streets of Paris. Man, I don't know. Cuddling with all the local sex workers I'm probably more likely to find a spark. Or catch a charge.

I think I am perpetually in burnout as long as I have the job I currently have and I am perpetually depressed because I do not have The Other in my life.

On September 18 2023 17:02 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On September 18 2023 05:59 CurbStomp2 wrote: starfield is aight. also don't fuck some antifa tier barber. Should I get Starfield? I would doubt she is antifa but more likely to be antifa than your average barber I suppose. I met all the leftists in the area at a bbq one time. She wasn't there. There were some antifa level people at that party but it was mostly Democratic Socialist of America there.

Get it on sale or get gamepass. I've been enjoying the game, but wouldn't pay 70 bucks for it. Hopefully baldurs gate 3 is already on xbox when i get bored of starfield. also i've meant to buy that harry potter game to support jk rowling.

“Every man is a creature of the age in which he lives and few are able to raise themselves above the ideas of the time.” (Voltaire)

I just want the Americana version of every country.

Earth citizen.

Man of the universal.

I just want some clothes that fit and feel alright.

I would like to play the slide guitar like Ry Cooder. Eventually, I would like to play the slide guitar like myself.

On September 13 2023 18:30 RiKD wrote: I moved to Argentina because it looked amazing and I was unhappy where I was living. I played poker there and lived The Good Life. It's funny that I naturally lived The Good Life without reading any Aristotle, Nietszche, etc. in my twenties and I try so hard to get back to some semblance of that life but it may be impossible at this point. Which is ok. I am learning to be more satisfied with what I have and the reality of potentialities in the future. The reality is it's hard to find something like poker that could provide a high income and provide so much freedom. My virtuosities don't necessarily lend themselves to finding something similar in the future and I am mostly tired from work all the time.

and what ended this good life?

"daylist - electronic chill coding saturday night"

Spotify's algorithm has made The Entertainment

On September 23 2023 11:32 dnagardi wrote: Show nested quote + On September 13 2023 18:30 RiKD wrote: I moved to Argentina because it looked amazing and I was unhappy where I was living. I played poker there and lived The Good Life. It's funny that I naturally lived The Good Life without reading any Aristotle, Nietszche, etc. in my twenties and I try so hard to get back to some semblance of that life but it may be impossible at this point. Which is ok. I am learning to be more satisfied with what I have and the reality of potentialities in the future. The reality is it's hard to find something like poker that could provide a high income and provide so much freedom. My virtuosities don't necessarily lend themselves to finding something similar in the future and I am mostly tired from work all the time. and what ended this good life?

I've written about this probably 3+ times it almost seems like a troll to ask me that rofl.

Ultimately, I lost my bankroll but some of the novelty had worn off. I realized my Spanish could get by but to have more meaningful relationships/conversations with people I would have to up my Spanish game and I was tired. Tired of poker. Tired of the big city. Tired of Buenos Aires even though I still have love for it to this day. I think at that point a poker/gambling addiction had taken over my life. It's funny I was so into poker that I wasn't even doing any drugs at that time for the most part. I did have the most epic trip to Rosario during that time. There was still some semblance of The Good Life but yeah, poker had taken over my life and then I lost my bankroll. The high of winning $30k at the nicest hotel in Rosario and then ending up at the midfield line 5 rows back for Argentina v Brazil was rather ecstatic. Turning down sushi with friends which is probably one of my favorite things to do to lose $50k is a low point.

But, a lot happened between 2007 and 2010. The Good Life is living in a large house in Los Angelos? Hot tub, swimming pool, overlooking the city? But, I mostly got wasted smoking ridiculous Cali weed and taking Codeine. It was still fun at the time but I felt a darkness inside of me. I was mostly not doing so great in the cash games and would have had a losing month if I did not make a deep run in the FTOPS Main Event. That continued into moving into a beach house overlooking the Mediterranean. But, those are also some of the best times of my life even though I questioned myself all of the time. It's also where I found and fell in love with PLO. Live by the sword, die by the sword and boy, did that sword get me good. Ya know, all that being said friendship correlates with The Good Life. If I had some good friends my life was mostly good. I will probably always question my occupation. Maybe not but I always have.

The Other was mostly missing in my life as well. Sometimes I think The Other was alcohol, marijuana, and poker. My true loves. Now, I am free from all of that and I feel I have more potential than ever albeit I am getting older now. I just need a focus. I still question myself everyday. I am sick of making money for these giant corporations but I don't know how to break free. Sartre would say I am alive therefore I am free. Hegel would say I am a slave to money. I have to risk my life in someway for recognition. The Bourgeoise muddies it all a bit. What is clear though is that I am a slave to money. Or, a slave to my hunger and libido and need for recognition. I incur costs to stay healthy too. Quite a fucking lot of costs. But, this is all part of the predicament. It always has been how do I carve out a life in this existence?

In a way, anyone that didn't become a millionaire from poker back then is a complete fuck up. Which means most of us here are probably fuck ups.

People always say you gotta work hard to get rich but I feel like poker between 2006-2010, you just had to be mentally stable, suited for sedentary life, and not be dumb. No autism was required like it is now. I remember Adam001 telling me he made 300k a year as a teenager from nitty set mining at 8 tables. I regret not putting in almost any effort back then. (Well I started around 2011 actually, but it was still pretty easy and I should have done way better).

It's funny how even a 50nl reg these days would be far above the skill level of any poker player in the world just 12 years ago.

Yeah, I was mostly a fuck up. There's no way around it. I mostly didn't put in hands. I was pretty good when I was on my game though.

Putting a million hands in a year is hard work. Emotional control and mental toughness is learned but also a virtuosity. At the same time someone like Leatherass probably made a million bucks in 2008. Same with Redargoe lol. Same with ADZ lol (RIP).

Adam001 is a name I haven't heard in a while. I always enjoyed playing with him. Shame I never met him. If I remember he ended up in the Kingsofcards / nutsinho (RIP) clique circa 2008 which was probbaly the most powerful clique at the time. I remember meeting Altrum but no one else. This is before your time anyway Strog.

Looking back on it it is kind of interesting how all the cliques kind of overlapped but there were always people you didn't particularly like or had your number on this day or that outside of MSN or Skype. My core clique was straate, festivus, and TheHoboKing. Then we had the LP contingent and the Swedish contingent and the BsAs contingent which also overlapped. I never ever talked poker with Jungleman for example and I didn't even know who he was but he definitely had my number. Then, there were always people that individuals would talk to a lot but were in separate groups. Everyone kind of knew everyone in a way. Like, I had the Brazilian contigent (alotofaction, tr3cool, and their friends) that no one else I knew talked to but they played and knew everyone anyway.

Maybe it's similar now or maybe it is just autists in their rooms with solvers. I remember Skier_5 probably had one of the strongest pf games at the time circa 2009 in 6 max nlhe and we would ask him questions. That's kind of how it worked. It's so easy now to just pay a little money for a pf chart and I was playing way better pf in 2022 then I ever did in 2006 - 2010.

I remember the first thing that improved my pf game was EmpireMaker2 (LOL) gave away his pf strategies on neverwinpoker.com (LOL). I think he was one of the largest winners on Party Poker 5/10 at the time and studied guys like BldSwtTrs and lolotrickedu. I remember I was chatting with BldSwtTrs when I was on the come up to 2/4 and 5/10 and he was just like bro you could make $400k easy at 2/4 don't be in such a rush basically. I did the math and was like damn he's right. Except for the fact even 30k hand months were a struggle for me.

POKER LOL

Leatherass became addicted to twitter and is a raving lunatic now, or so I've heard.

I played ADZ at z500 in his later years around 2016 and he was basically a marginally losing player there (he opened 40% rfi from every position).

If i've learnt anything it's that poker seems to attract the mentally ill.

To be fair Jungleman has pretty much everyone's number. Always enjoy you guy's poker stories though.

I think Jungleman is the GOAT. He never really was defeated online either and was at the top for a long time. Way longer than anyone else. Only reason he stopped online is because it dried up. Some of his earlier hands were very far ahead of time and people only realized they were good once they saw solvers did it too. I'm like that professor in good will hunting. A trained but accomplished mid/high stakes monkey, but trained enough to see the genius in Jungleman's poker hands.

One could argue that Isildur1 is the GOAT in terms of natural talent as well, but I think Jungleman tops him. He was another freak of nature.

Durrrr was overrated as fuck imo.

Obviously Linus/Otb have extroadinary skill, but it came from learning from robots that had more skill than them.

I think Leatherass died too actually.

40% rfi from every position is so ADZizzle.

Jungleman is an autist for sure. Don't know if he ever was in a clique. I'm sure he has some poker friends though but maybe not.

What % does poker attract the mentally ill? Are you talking people with addiction issues or like Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Depression, etc.?

Besides myself most people I knew were not mentally ill. In fact, I can not think of any outside of people I heard about like ADZ, and lil hold'em.

Autism, schizo, addiction, depression, sociopathy. I think your the only one with bipolar that was into poker that I've seen. Maybe my dataset is skewed though.

Phil Hellmuth is a narcissist, and ADZ was as well. ADZ made a whole tv show about himself, and there are videos of him on youtube bragging about buying $10,000 shoes or w/e.

I remember Hellmuth saying how much of a great guy he is for never cheating on his wife, even though he is an out of shape 50 year old nerd. Definitely has grandiosity issues. I found it kinda funny when I heard his wife is a psychologist. He may be getting studied by her.

On September 26 2023 01:18 Stroggoz wrote: I think Jungleman is the GOAT. He never really was defeated online either and was at the top for a long time. Way longer than anyone else. Only reason he stopped online is because it dried up. Some of his earlier hands were very far ahead of time and people only realized they were good once they saw solvers did it too. I'm like that professor in good will hunting. A trained but accomplished mid/high stakes monkey, but trained enough to see the genius in Jungleman's poker hands. One could argue that Isildur1 is the GOAT in terms of natural talent as well, but I think Jungleman tops him. He was another freak of nature. Durrrr was overrated as fuck imo. Obviously Linus/Otb have extroadinary skill, but it came from learning from robots that had more skill than them.

I remember having a drunken conversation with straate and regista10 where they basically totally dismantled durrrr's hu game and said he was trash. This was when durrrr was considered the "GOAT." They both put their money where their mouth was and would play durrrr and beat up on him. This was like a little secret in the high stakes community that Jungleman and Isildur1 busted open. I still think straate was one of the best hu players in that epoch. He would trash everyone and then lose it at 200/400 to the ultimate sicko LarzLusak but would take the Larz secrets and beat up on mostly everyone else. Jungleman was like a separate entity though. He was not playing massive at that time but everyone I knew couldn't beat him.

I got some advice from durrrr that probably led to me losing my bankroll (not only reason obv) and as far as I know he's still in debt to this day. The advice was that playing big and losing only makes one sad and basically yolo what does not kill you makes you stronger. What I know today is that risk of ruin needs to be taken very seriously unless I have some rich backer that doesn't give a fuck.

On September 26 2023 01:29 Stroggoz wrote: Autism, schizo, addiction, depression, sociopathy. I think your the only one with bipolar that was into poker that I've seen. Maybe my dataset is skewed though. Phil Hellmuth is a narcissist, and ADZ was as well. ADZ made a whole tv show about himself, and there are videos of him on youtube bragging about buying $10,000 shoes or w/e. I remember Hellmuth saying how much of a great guy he is for never cheating on his wife, even though he is an out of shape 50 year old nerd. Definitely has grandiosity issues. I found it kinda funny when I heard his wife is a psychologist. He may be getting studied by her.

Yeah, if we are including autism and narcissism the number goes up substantially.

rofl at Hellmuth being studied by his wife. I don't know how anyone could put up with that guy.

Solvers came out in 2015. I had long-term disability money and great friends and pink cloud sobriety in 2015. Maybe my best epoch yet. Solvers were totally not on my radar even though they fascinate me. I kind of still love poker. There are some private games in town. Whenever the topic comes up I think about do I really want to jump back into that. It bothers me that a 50 NL online player is better than me in my prime though. I will never get that prime back. I also will never get the time back to get better than a 50 NL online grinder. Grinding solvers at 40 to beat 50 NL online sounds pathetic because it is pathetic. Sitting around in private games I don't know if that sounds fun. 20 hands / hr? Studying for hours to crush an 8 fish game sounds pretty pathetic too. I don't know man. I need to find better use of my time.

how did these guys die? ADZ jumped outta window right?

Jumped off the top of a casino.

I thought ADZ jumped out of the 28th window of his friend's condo?

Nutsinho died of an opioid overdose.

Leatherass seems like that death was kept private. Maybe he's a fan of Machiavelli and he's really still alive somewhere hustling people at golf and poker.

lil hold'em had liver and kidney failure due to alcoholism but died from brain bleeding as a result of a drunken fall.

Any other deaths?

To be honest, it's a miracle I haven't died (yet). I was not nearly as known as the guys mentioned above. I've been close to death more times than I can count on my hand for sure. My therapist always mentions me being a miracle and not to squander it. I'm feeling like I'm kind of squandering it though. Work is a shitshow. I just have to keep reminding myself what does not kill me makes me stronger. In some regards I feel strong. In other regards not so much. Oh well, it's like I am getting tortured at work but it's a Stockholm Syndrome situation. If I had any idea of what I wanted to do next the whole situation would be a lot easier.

who was the guy here who went insane and claimed he was poisoned by cops?

Rhaeger / Beast.

I don't know if I would call it going insane vs a standard psychotic episode. There is a small, small probability that the cops did in fact poison him. I met him once in Vegas. Interesting guy. He was always stocky / overweight in the BW days but was rail thin in Vegas. I hardly recognized him.

Did he ever post here again after that episode?

Probably not making him one of the wise ones.

I just thought of a story. I was hanging out with a group of Argentinians in Vegas. We all get into this elevator with this really attractive woman. So, it's like 8 guys including me and this woman and it is dead silent. A little time passed and my friend says, "Gang bang?" in his Argie accent and everyone fucking dies of laughter including the woman. We get her to come up to my friend's suite and have a drink. She keeps talking to me because most of them don't speak very good English at all. I am just thinking this is a ridiculous situation. She had a drink and left but then there was this other time...

A story of 3 $25k+ days:



I listened to this song on repeat and played for 20 hours straight like an absolute maniac. Crashed for 4 hours then loaded up all of the 10/20 tables with absolute sickos and lost $7k until all the tables broke. Don't remember what I did after that. Probably either crashed or went for a long walk or maybe get high and watch The Wire.



I was stuck big and needed some Enya to overcome. I think I won more money to Enya than any other artist.



Grindin' at Tom (tjbentham's) dining room table listening to this on repeat. I had never been so comfortable grindin' it out.

Music obviously plays a big part in my life but I think I was somewhat mad to put songs on repeat for hours and hours. I think it did something to the dopamine and the adrenaline and other chemicals in the brain mixed with the gambling sometimes mixed with marijuana and tea or coffee or whatever even some tobacco. It was a cocktail that could produce a perfect storm but with any perfect cocktail / storm there are downsides too. Like, it's tough to keep that going. It's not sustainable. I suppose white tea, music, and poker is more sustainable. Marijuana too but it is easy to smoke too much if I was losing or on a downswing which kind of leads to more losing and more downswings. Getting high and watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Wire, or Planet Earth was like downswing defense. Going for long walks. Getting laid. There is all sorts of downswing defense out there. Which are still applicable to me to this day if I am having a rough go of it at work albiet they have to be straight edge options today.

Tonight an attractive woman asked me to go karaoke with her and I told her no I have to go to sleep...

I found The Other today. She was waitressing at The Local Grill down the road a bit. If only I had the courage (of alcohol) to chat her up.

Being some rando or even worse some rando eating dinner with their parents is not really a great starting point for winning over The Waitress Other. You have to sort of win over the staff or win over her directly in some way unique. I don't really eat there enough to accomplish this. It's silly to even think about this too much. There are other Others out there but seemingly in this town not so much.

It's a blog, mannn. I have been considering smoking marijuana again or just consuming edibles. High for the low. I'm sort of depressed and burnt out as fuck. Even with meeting The Other on Sunday. My new idea is that I am going to work at a bookstore. I'll have time to go down there and say "Hi" on Wednesday. Any other suggestions from people on here?

It's a blog, mannnn!

How do we curtail desire?

That is probably one of my biggest problems of why I am unhappy. I also take myself too seriously. I'm thinking of doing improv again. It's funny I got way too into that back in the day. I ended up on 3 improv teams in which one was paid.

***IT'S A BLOG, MAN! SPECIAL UPDATE!***

So, I decided I need a haircut today. I go down to The Local Barbershop hoping to find S there. I see her hours are 8am - 4pm on Wednesdays. It's 5:12 pm. Drats!

So, then the owner goes to me, "Hey buddy, don't even write your name down L is waiting for you right over there." L was lovely. She did a great job of cutting my hair. She is finishing up and then S walks by. I don't think she saw me and I didn't say anything. Then, the haircut was over and S was cutting someone else's hair so I just got up, paid, and walked out...

It's such a boring story it's making me laugh.