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RiKD    United States. Jun 07 2023 05:34. Posts 8404
I don't know. Has it been a week since anyone posted on this site?

I don't think I have come any closer to building the world or making a difference in it. Maybe a small difference for the people around me. Certainly, nothing is going to get done with me putting so much time into watching the NBA Finals, watching Pro Wrestling, and now playing Diablo IV. Although if you are interested in watching Pro Wrestling I suggest watching the Okada v Omega rivalry. Truly epic stuff. I guess since I am unable to actually build the world and make a difference I will complain. Work is work. Shit! It's fucking work and it kind of pisses me off that all my labor and efforts are put towards retail for 40+ hours in the week!

Diablo IV is pretty fun. It's fun playing a new game. I'm sure it gets some brain chemicals going like dopamine and adrenaline. I want to get back in there just thinking about it. It is the ultimate slot machine. The atmosphere and music and fear of death create a fun stress/tension and it's hella fun smashing up all of the hell's minions with the chance of drops. It's not even the boss beating and big drops that get me into a state it's the tension that allows me to escape. I don't think D4 is a great option before bed. I don't even know if I sleep well. The doctor wanted me to get a CPAP and I ghosted him. I probably need a solid 9 or 10 hours of sleep to feel good. That is a large portion of the day.

I would like to build the world and make a difference but I also have the inclination to be anonymous. Anonymous sage in the art of non-doing. It would help if I knew my intrinsic virtuousities a bit better. My innate talents. It would be worthwhile to labor towards goals other than capital. I don't know if that is possible for me though. So, I zonk out on NBA Finals, Pro wrestling, and Diablo IV. I don't know if there is an answer right now. It's just where I am at today. Thank you for letting me share.

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Naib   Hungary. Jun 07 2023 19:47. Posts 968

CPAP machine is the nuts, I've had a serious case of sleep apnea for 10+ years and nothing else I tried did shit. Getting a good night's sleep for months with a few exceptions now and the difference in productivity is insane

My favourite line is Bet/Fold. I bet, you fold. 

RiKD    United States. Jun 08 2023 16:13. Posts 8404

Everyone I have talked to swears by the CPAP. I don't know why I am so stubborn.

devon06atX   Canada. Jun 09 2023 14:59. Posts 5458

Give it a shot man! May be a game changer

RiKD    United States. Jun 14 2023 05:17. Posts 8404

Stimming is basically repetitive sensory input that soothes. This blog is a form of stimming for me. I also have other forms of stimming but nothing too crazy. I'm probably closer than a lot of people to being an autist but I'm not really an autist. I'm trying to become more one with my intrinsic virtuousities. What are my innate born talents and what should I be doing with my life?

One answer is meditation. I can sit and I can breathe. It's not always an easy thing to do but it is a natural thing to do.

Yeah, building the world and making a difference is all well and good but what is my spiritual condition looking like?

Maybe I want to keep things simple. Lie down and stare out the window for 30 min or at least have the leisure to do so if I please. In that sense, posting here is not that much of a waste of time. I reflect, I think, I linger. Not always. A surfer is going to tell you that catching the right wave is the key to life. A sexually active young woman may tell you the key to life is a good orgasm (I know one and she does). The philosopher is going to tell you that not only thinking is the key to life but thinking about thinking. Obviously, posting on this website is not the key to life. Sometimes it feels like it is slightly better than staring out the window for 30 min.

Something brought me here tonight. I am pulled along by fate. There is not much I can do. Go to a forest. Be one with the heavenly. With the innate.

I had a dream the other day that stuck with me. Myself and some others wanted to set up a place to hang out but then it got infiltrated by a bunch of partiers. A bunch of people from my highschool were there and it was really good seeing them but I didn't tell anyone that I was clean and sober. I didn't partake in any of the drinking and the drugs but there was this woman there. She looked like Meghan Fox. She looked into my eyes with her hypnotic gaze and handed me an ecstasy pill. I took it without thinking about it. Then I was like NOOOOOOOOOOO.... What if it has fentanyl in it? What have I done?!?! *Racing thoughts* but I also had this underlying feeling of freedom and an excitement that I would at least get to make out with the Meghan Fox archetype character and finally rave like I want to. Then I woke up. I woke up to just another day in the life. So, I am getting pulled to be an anonymous non-doing sage but a part of me wants to rave and in reality I am just scrolling purgatory to fill up the time and playing Diablo IV. I get a voice in my head telling me this is not the way to live but it's hard to break free. Diablo IV is just good enough to keep me coming back. Like any damn slot machine. I have not played tonight. I came home and went straight for my guitar as I haven't played in a couple of days. I'm playing a Metallica song that it's better to play it and come back to it. It just takes repetition and focus. But my life is not simple. All the shows people are telling me to watch. Movies. Video games. I'm glad the NBA Finals are over. That high went stale quick. I am getting pulled in all these directions and I just want to simplify my life more but bills and all the rest of it is always there. Like a fucking spectre. Multiple spectres hovering over me. I just can't seem to get free.

PuertoRican   United States. Jun 14 2023 17:21. Posts 13016

Give it a shot.

Rekrul is a newb 

RiKD    United States. Jun 19 2023 17:57. Posts 8404

Nietzsche said to "Never trust a thought you had indoors." bc small spaces = small thinking and depression is identical to staying inside all day.

RiKD    United States. Jun 23 2023 04:45. Posts 8404

Ya'll ever wonder how people are doing in different parts of the world?

I have been listening to Middle Eastern music and now Brazilian music and I just wonder how they are doing?

When I am so self-centered I am of course wondering how I am doing?

I've got problems. We all do. I think. Maybe, some people don't have problems and I need to learn from them.

I played some Metallica for 2 weeks I am a little bit closer to Hoplites HA! I am always jumping around with what I want to do musically. Recently, I have had ideas to play the bass guitar. I want to jump back into Ableton but I am always dissatisfied with what I create there. I think I am just dissatisfied with a lot in life. It's because I have barely any friends and no girlfriend. I just sit in my room thinking about what I want to do: Diablo IV, Attack on Titan, Pro Wrestling. I am like a broken record. At least the music I am listening to is invigorating.

Nietszche is right though I need to get to the Alps to some expansive landscapes. My thinking is too confined here in my room.

Fuck it. I'll just go to sleep.

RiKD    United States. Jun 24 2023 05:38. Posts 8404

Annndddd it is happening again....

I am experiencing encroaching suicidal thoughts. This is something to talk about with my therapist. Don't worry I will. It's not really a compulsion to kill my self now it's more or a philosophical thing like how much more of this shit can I take. Guitar is whatever. I don't think I am particularly good at it. I know it takes patience but I don't think it is one of my intrinsic virtuosities. My teacher's last words were have fun with it and loosen up! I think I am doing the opposite. The guitar is not going to save me from killing myself. I played a few hours of D4 with my brother. That was fun but I think Diablo IV is wearing out a little bit or I am just depressed. I injured my shoulder I think sleeping on it wrong or something and haven't been to the gym. Does creatine improve mood and testosterone or does lifting or is it both?

So, I am still dissatisfied and I go downstairs to make some late night nachos. That actually made me slightly happier but not enough so I jerked off and didn't really enjoy that either. Porn is terrible. Most of it really is. I still managed to keep an erection and orgasm. That felt a bit better. So, I decide to listen to a new album of Arabic Love songs and show up back here. I always show up back here. I am not sure what I feel about this album yet (Jarak Qaribak) but I am back here, now. Being here and acknowledging that my life is shitty enough to think about killing myself.... I want it to spurn action but on some level I'm depressed and action is tough. I am going to need a lot of action to overcome my current position. And I just seem to not be able to muster it. It's just a shitty position to be in. I feel like I am underwater and can vaguely see this life that could be more fruitful and I can't do it but I can breathe underwater drifting for probably a long ass time. I am just a dopey ass, sad ass ape.

RiKD    United States. Jun 28 2023 03:52. Posts 8404

I thought I wanted to read a novel and take a nap. It's a great combination. But, I woke up wanting more. I always want more. Drinking some white tea and listening to The Smile brings some contentment. I still want more. My therapist says I need to find my center. Currently, that might be me sitting in this computer chair clacking away at my mechanical keyboard or in my bed reading a novel. It's supposed to be some place that I come back to that is strong and safe. I don't know. My center seems a bit fractured. I spend so much damn time at work. I come home and nothing seems to consistently work. Not that I expect to have everything work all the time. That is part of life. Shit doesn't always work. I am going to feel low and empty or I am going to feel full of anxiety. It's just a matter of letting the clouds pass over. Easier said than done. Easier said than done.


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