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RiKD    United States. Mar 16 2022 05:02. Posts 7336
So, I will post something so hiems can maybe be amused and probably criticize me.

There is not much to report. My life is pretty simple. I labor away my life at work and then I get into music and sometimes I spend time with friends.

I am too broke for any meaningful computer so I focus most of my time on song-writing and the guitar. All I need is a pen and a notebook for song-writing and maybe a little inspiration from somewhere. The guitar is still mostly grind-mode. I got pretty good with the blues scales that were given to me to practice and then my teacher was interested in what kind of song I want to play. I responded that I had been listening to Townes Van Zandt almost obsessively recently and so we started on Pancho and Lefty which is not my favorite song but one that he knew. I've started on finger picking and expanding my ability to play some more chords. It can be a grind to just practice fundamentals but what I've learned or gathered is with the guitar it's a long process. I'm not just going to pick the thing up and play whatever I want. There is probably an inflection point in certain areas where if I can play 1 song it becomes increasingly easier to play other songs and then the dam bursts and with a little practice I am playing a wide range of songs but I need to hone the fundamentals. If I can't get a damn A to ring, or a D, or a G, there's no hope in really trying to play any damn song.

I don't have many friends outside of AA and I am not thrilled about showing up to the meetings so that is a situation. I don't want to get too lonely as I think that is one of the main drivers behind people who drink a lot. I mean obviously pent up fears and resentments causes people to poison themselves but loneliness and isolation are big drives for sure. I am up in the morning and in the fashion store around a lot of people so I think that has some effect on me but not like a more free space with friends. I am still in chains at work. It's nice for people to smile at me and say hi but I'm still chained. What if they find out I am acting at what it is to be this person at work. My dissatisfied facial expressions and forced smile betray the person I am trying to be. Horrible stuff really. It's back to being in a cage and when I leave I am just in a bigger cage. How do I get out of the cage? Where do I put the chains?

My guitar teacher is adamant that I enjoy playing the guitar and that I enjoy life. He's been pronounced dead in a hospital bed but he came back. I stopped and thought about it today and I just kind of go through the motions with large portions of my life now. The job is conducive to that and it carries over into leisure if the "leisure" I get is even considered that. I've said it before there is no real leisure for people toiling away full time hours. There is work and rest for work (Byung-Chul Han). But, seriously, I thought about it a lot and I don't even have a full idea of what enjoyment is or should be. Guitar is great but I'm not creating yet. It's practice. There is still the gaming aspect to it. Getting the right chord shape and extra stimulation in the right hand with the finger picking that you just don't get with strumming with a pick. I can eat some fried chicken with sweet potato fries and a sweet tea at the best fried chicken joint in the city but that is a trap. A trap that damages my liver most likely. If I truly enjoyed being here I would do everything I could to rejuvenate my liver and not damage it. If someone asked me in my 20s what enjoyment means I might be able to just summarize it with "sex, drugs, and rock n' roll" but that's not sustainable and it's also naive. Sex has low hedonic adaptation. Rock n' roll does too but drugs it's very difficult to get that first high back. I'm 38 and still figuring out how to live life.

I will say this though. I was at a viewing for a family member the other day and that is a jolt. Someone once asked Heidegger how do we be authentic? And, Heidegger answered go visit a graveyard. I would take that a step further and go to a viewing. The existentialists of the 1920s and beyond are very big on this idea of authenticity. It's not a fashion or a trend. It is about being in this world. Being thrown into this world and what do we do? I was thinking about how down in the South they say ma'am or sir or Miss and Mister. I just say please but that's not really authentic is it? That is just how I was programmed growing up. Now, there is a choice in my actions though. I could choose to start saying ma'am and sir and all the rest of it but I don't actually like it so I will hold to my Mid-west upbringing.

Authenticity is a battle. Living true to myself seems like the least amount of impediments to my freedom. The problem is it is not easy to know what being true to myself entails. What soap do I use? There is no true self in what soap I use. I am always manipulated. It is very difficult to avoid manipulation in day to day life. I have wised up somewhat to know that buying a pair of Air Jordans can not represent my soul, my beating heart. I can try my hardest with consumption to represent me as a person and it is mostly emptiness.

I'm drifting. The Seroquel is really starting to kick in. I would like to elaborate a bit more on authenticity and this idea that we are thrown into existence (Heidegger). Born to grow and grow to die (Townes Van Zandt). I am still trying to figure out what enjoyment means at 38 today. I can't just pop molly and slam speed and alcohol at a warehouse rave and enter a new dimension on the regular. In fact, I can't afford to do that at all these days.

music
art
diners
forest



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CurbStomp2   Finland. Mar 16 2022 18:21. Posts 58

What kinda disability would you get if you applied for one moneywise?


hiems   United States. Mar 17 2022 00:13. Posts 2757

Before when I was taking up guitar ( I quit now) the first teacher in the areas website said he was not accepting students because of health issues.

Turned out he had a stroke and his right hand (strumming hand) lost alot of function. Young guy too,, in his forties..looks like he was in ok shape too.. Later i found his YouTube channel where he uploads these videos of him trying to get his ability back. Its depressing and motivational at the same time. Its weird cause I don't know the guy and never met him and the videos get like 30 views at most...I'm like one of his few fans lol.

When I was learning guitar I found the whole luthier thing really interesting, learning about the different types of woods, bracing, sound holes, cutaways, scale lengths, etc. I attribute a good 30% of me quitting was me not wanting to buy a better guitar. Btw I'm mostly telling u this hoping to tilt u because ur too broke to upgrade ur guitar lol...

I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]Last edit: 17/03/2022 00:19

RiKD    United States. Mar 17 2022 03:28. Posts 7336


  On March 16 2022 17:21 CurbStomp2 wrote:
What kinda disability would you get if you applied for one moneywise?



I don't know. I mean I'd be on Medicare too and maybe everything like food stamps but I wouldn't be able to do anything except sit in my house and pirate books and movies. I don't think it's worth it.


RiKD    United States. Mar 17 2022 03:59. Posts 7336


  On March 16 2022 23:13 hiems wrote:
Before when I was taking up guitar ( I quit now) the first teacher in the areas website said he was not accepting students because of health issues.

Turned out he had a stroke and his right hand (strumming hand) lost alot of function. Young guy too,, in his forties..looks like he was in ok shape too.. Later i found his YouTube channel where he uploads these videos of him trying to get his ability back. Its depressing and motivational at the same time. Its weird cause I don't know the guy and never met him and the videos get like 30 views at most...I'm like one of his few fans lol.

When I was learning guitar I found the whole luthier thing really interesting, learning about the different types of woods, bracing, sound holes, cutaways, scale lengths, etc. I attribute a good 30% of me quitting was me not wanting to buy a better guitar. Btw I'm mostly telling u this hoping to tilt u because ur too broke to upgrade ur guitar lol...



Doesn't really tilt me at all. I don't need a really nice guitar. What I've got works. My teacher has suggested my next guitar be a Gibson Les Paul since it would fit me better and it's a non-shit guitar. He could get me a legit Epiphone for like $800. I might get an acoustic first since that is mostly what I've been trying to play lately. A meaningful computer at this point starts at about 699.99$. So, it's a matter of what do I want to save for? I don't think I need any of these things at this point so it really doesn't tilt me that I don't have any of them. What maybe tilts me if I am being honest is that with inflation or even without inflation there is not much to save after all is said and done. I am mostly living paycheck to paycheck and there is seemingly no way out. I should really start looking to leverage my current position into something better but I don't know what that is or if I want to scale up into hell. A manager told me I should apply for the leadership program and also an open manager position in another department but I am scared because they are having personnel issues and I don't want to jump into something new when I know they are short staffed. There's always more to the story when someone quits or if a manager quits and many staff are quitting.

On another note. I don't really know what people are on about with this great resignation thing. It's not just the workers it's the companies. Not offering better pay under 10% inflation or benefits or anything really besides a mundane existence toiling their life away at work. Another thing people don't understand is that people are only eligible for unemployment if they are laid off not if they are fired or if they quit. So, I don't know what these people are doing that just quit and are not getting other jobs. I don't see how that is actually happening. People think that these workers who quit are getting unemployment that is more than they made at the job. That is ludicrous. I don't know where these people are getting these ideas. I've had to talk some sense into some of these people that don't understand. One thing they are correct about is these workers that no call and no show or just quit without giving notice. That is running rampant and I don't understand how these workers are that inconsiderate. It will catch up to the owner but in the short run it hurts the fellow employees whose difficulty and annoying-ness of labor increase by a multiplier. In the mean time, I show up on time and put in a solid day of work. There has got to be a way to improve my position but I am just too tired, or too lazy to find it. It seems easier to just toil away at something I know and something I know is better than a lot of the alternatives instead of constantly hustling to improve my position.


RiKD    United States. Mar 17 2022 04:54. Posts 7336

Why did I write so much?

Jesus.

I actually have the craving to play poker but not grinding online. I'd be all over like a 1/3 game with good structure (min-buy = 100bbs, max-buy = uncapped) with relatively low rake no-limit texas hold 'em. Sounds like I need to take a trip to the Wynn. I love that poker room. Sad, I am not even rolled for a soft, live 1/3 game. This is the life that I chose or the life that chose me?

Realistically, what would I need to get up to speed to beat PA online these days?

How much do solvers cost and how much cpu power do I need?

What is the solver learning curve like?

Fuck, I would want a killer desktop with at least 2 20'' or 1 30'' monitor.

All of that and then I find out I don't like playing poker for a living just like the last damn time...

What do I like doing for a living?


RiKD    United States. Mar 20 2022 04:59. Posts 7336

Finger pickin', finger pickin', finger pickin',

No one cares, no one cares, no one cares,

Sometimes I share too much on this blog and that is a mistake.

I am not alone if I have my guitar... right? RIght?

A manager asked me out of the blue the other day if I had a girlfriend. I said no. Then she asked if I was dating. I said no. I live with my parents and dating is hard. Then it was just silent for a while as I continued my tasks. I don't really know what to make of it. I didn't really like to be asked those questions. It's better to just be oblivious and alone. Things go better if I am not confronted. And why do I care so much about societies standards? But, hold up a second. We aren't talking marriage and a big wedding or having kids or whatever. Most people want a girlfriend or some dates. My life feels easier with out dating or a girlfriend but easy is not necessarily a good barometer of livin'. It just complicates things. My life feels fine buying music equipment and playing the guitar. I'm not even sure if I have the income to date regularly. I'd have to find other crazies in retail and food & bev. It's just so much easier not thinking about it.

I suppose I'll pop off here some times. Having a nice cup of tea and writing some words here just feels comfortable. I know. I know. Easy and comfortable does not mean livin'. But, what else am I going to do at midnight in a god forsaken, podunk town?

This is the point. We are all thrown into this existence. We grow, we age, we die. We are all rusting away. The damaged, the frail, the wretched. We are all in this together. It's the only hope. I don't want to put the power in a fragile beauty to give me meaning but that might be what it takes. It's why I should want to date and meet someone. But, I don't want to give anyone that power. Only God should have that power but god is dead and we killed him and no one cares. The only hope at meaning may be this fragile beauty I have already met or have not already met. But, who would love some one like me who is marked for death (Emma Ruth Rundle)? I think this is a piece of hope many people hold whether rationally or irrationally. If I take any average person from the fashion store I can't trust them with anything. I can't even trust them to put their cart back in the right place or not dumping it somewhere full of clothes. This generally hurts my view of people because there is only so much that they can do to restore faith in this scenario. I feel more kin with the damaged, the frail, and the wretched. Are we in this together or can it only be some fragile beauty that agrees to be my partner?

I feel a connection to music. They speak my language. At least the people I have found to listen to and like. It seems like my only lifeline is music and art. I don't even really feel a connection to this site anymore which is weird that I still have this peculiar habit of writing words here...

 Last edit: 20/03/2022 05:00

RiKD    United States. Mar 20 2022 05:04. Posts 7336

"With Faith"

Faith in what?


RiKD    United States. Mar 21 2022 02:11. Posts 7336

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

I am right here, right now. I am still right here, right now. I am still right here, right now. I am still right here, right now. I am still right here, right now.

Breathing.

Feeling.

My nails feel dense as I pick away.

I'm rather competent with a keyboard.

Less so a guitar. I haven't been using a guitar as much.

It's on my mind as it's one of the few things I enjoy in this god forsaken, podunk town. Waiting 30+ min. for Taco Bell is the thing to do on a Saturday night. Similar to my hometown. That god forsaken, podunk town.

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

I wanted to be a professional footballer in England in 5th grade. I wanted to play for Blackburn Rovers. My grandfather played for Blackburn Rovers.

In 7th grade maybe I knew more or maybe the world condensed on me and churned out the idea to be an architect. That's an honest living. I took drafting and autoCAD in high school and wasn't really thrilled. I was never all that thrilled with anything related to academics.

The poker boom was the greatest thing that could have happened to me at the time. I could ramble and gamble and booze. That's what I really liked doing.

I remember losing all that money it just felt like a bad bet. A bad dream. My madness that I knew I had but didn't know to what depths had won.

I still had some money to ramble. My friends were trying to get me to start playing poker again. I played one Sunday worth of tournaments did not get a good feeling. Being high 24/7 and playing Metal Gear Solid was divine. Until my friend was getting more serious with his future wife and it wasn't becoming to overstay my welcome. I totally got it. I love them to this day. It was onto the next place. Reading Russian Literature so I don't kill myself. That was basically it for a while. That corporate job leaves a bad taste in my mouth because nepotism was involved. Getting clean and sober might have been the best days of my life. It feels like I am supposed to be more at 8 years sober at this point though. That could be a real foolish path to travel down but I feel it.

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

I am right here, right now.

Trent Reznor was mocked by his consciousness in this fashion and he made The fucking Downward Spiral. I guess no one wants to be in active alcoholism/addiction. Must be nice to get clean and have millions in a bank account and the skills to make NIN level music. I got clean and just ended up with gaps in my resume. You want gaps? I have so many gaps that you wouldn't believe. I think my life would have been easier if I was more academic minded but c'est la vie.

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

I'm about sick of customers man. It's a good thing I have a day off. The good customers can just seemingly never outweigh the shitty'ness of the shitty customers. I lose faith in humanity.

"With Faith"

Faith in what?

I have faith that the sun will rise and that's about it. It could be a weak spot in my recovery but what can be done about a thing like this?

I trust in physics and mathematics and that is about it. Trust in God? Who is that?

I am not a total nihilist because who actually is?

I enjoy The Blooming of Spring. The oaks, the magnolias, the palms. The touch of Spanish Moss. If I die, feed me to the coyotes in this Place.

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?


RiKD    United States. Mar 21 2022 03:11. Posts 7336

As the Seroquel takes me away,
'Tis the end of another day,

And I'm still here.

I've lost my faith in humanity. At least most of it.

If I write "we are in this together" do I mean myself and my fictitious partner in crime or we as in the soulful collective unconsciousness of as far as we know it?

Who here has been haunted by a Nazgul'ish entity?

Fuck this. This is foolish. I need to write songs or read or go to sleep.


CurbStomp2   Finland. Mar 21 2022 13:38. Posts 58


  On March 20 2022 03:59 RiKD wrote:
Finger pickin', finger pickin', finger pickin',

No one cares, no one cares, no one cares,

Sometimes I share too much on this blog and that is a mistake.

I am not alone if I have my guitar... right? RIght?

A manager asked me out of the blue the other day if I had a girlfriend. I said no. Then she asked if I was dating. I said no. I live with my parents and dating is hard. Then it was just silent for a while as I continued my tasks. I don't really know what to make of it. I didn't really like to be asked those questions. It's better to just be oblivious and alone. Things go better if I am not confronted. And why do I care so much about societies standards? But, hold up a second. We aren't talking marriage and a big wedding or having kids or whatever. Most people want a girlfriend or some dates. My life feels easier with out dating or a girlfriend but easy is not necessarily a good barometer of livin'. It just complicates things. My life feels fine buying music equipment and playing the guitar. I'm not even sure if I have the income to date regularly. I'd have to find other crazies in retail and food & bev. It's just so much easier not thinking about it.

I suppose I'll pop off here some times. Having a nice cup of tea and writing some words here just feels comfortable. I know. I know. Easy and comfortable does not mean livin'. But, what else am I going to do at midnight in a god forsaken, podunk town?

This is the point. We are all thrown into this existence. We grow, we age, we die. We are all rusting away. The damaged, the frail, the wretched. We are all in this together. It's the only hope. I don't want to put the power in a fragile beauty to give me meaning but that might be what it takes. It's why I should want to date and meet someone. But, I don't want to give anyone that power. Only God should have that power but god is dead and we killed him and no one cares. The only hope at meaning may be this fragile beauty I have already met or have not already met. But, who would love some one like me who is marked for death (Emma Ruth Rundle)? I think this is a piece of hope many people hold whether rationally or irrationally. If I take any average person from the fashion store I can't trust them with anything. I can't even trust them to put their cart back in the right place or not dumping it somewhere full of clothes. This generally hurts my view of people because there is only so much that they can do to restore faith in this scenario. I feel more kin with the damaged, the frail, and the wretched. Are we in this together or can it only be some fragile beauty that agrees to be my partner?

I feel a connection to music. They speak my language. At least the people I have found to listen to and like. It seems like my only lifeline is music and art. I don't even really feel a connection to this site anymore which is weird that I still have this peculiar habit of writing words here...




friendly advice: never date a musician, especially musician with mental health issues. It's tempting cause they often seem cool, but don't do it.


RiKD    United States. Mar 21 2022 17:15. Posts 7336

When I die feed me to the coyotes underneath the magnolia trees,

Underneath a great moon,


RiKD    United States. Mar 21 2022 20:57. Posts 7336

Coyotes smilin' at the moon,

He died too soon,

He died too soon,


hiems   United States. Mar 21 2022 23:22. Posts 2757

Can yu pls stop beinn dumb?

I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

RiKD    United States. Mar 22 2022 01:59. Posts 7336

I thought I asked some good questions that apparently no one can answer. You are as lost as me. You are as lost as me.

I will admit that I think I am a bit depressed. It's not easy to admit this as the vultures will start circling on here. They want to see self-destruction. They want to see a show.

I've hit a point at work where I've basically lost faith in humanity. I mostly lied around today. It is getting increasingly more difficult to shower and brush my teeth. I am still playing the guitar and writing songs but I am not Jason Molina or Townes Van Zandt. I have all this music equipment that is largely going unused because I don't have an updated computer.


RiKD    United States. Mar 22 2022 02:46. Posts 7336

I just bought a Certified Refurbished Lenovo Thinkpad T440P 14'' Laptop!

Let's hope it works!


RiKD    United States. Mar 22 2022 02:50. Posts 7336

That is the final piece of the puzzle for a working DAW (Digital Audio Workstation) situation. I mean I will probably want to add to that eventually but it's the bare bones for what I need to compose music on my computer better than GarageBand on a 2009 MacBook Pro.

Yay, I have something to look forward to and I don't want to kill myself.


RiKD    United States. Mar 22 2022 02:51. Posts 7336

I might still be depressed but it is mostly because all work and no play makes RiKD a dull boy.


RiKD    United States. Mar 22 2022 02:52. Posts 7336

If I were in love or at least hanging out with friends more I don't think it would have happened like it did. I could still get the laptop and it not be working and that would be super tilting. Or, I could get bored with trying to compose music.


hiems   United States. Mar 22 2022 16:09. Posts 2757

U should compose original music for a vide-o where u and Loco do the jennifer Connolly ass2ass dildo scene from requiem for a dream

I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

 
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