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RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2021 21:25. Posts 6708
I went for a walk on the beach today as always. I passed a woman who was with like 4 or 5 kids... They were everywhere. As I am walking towards her she goes "ohhhh, I love your snail (tattoo)!" I respond kind of blankly as I always do now, "oh, thank you." Then as I passed her, "OMG I love that owl (tattoo)! Owls are my spirit animal!"
I gave like a Phil Mickelson smile after making a very easy par putt or something and walk away. As I am walking away she yells at me, "Where have you been all my life!?"

She was not a kid goofing around. She was like 30-35 and very attractive which her behavior was a bit strange regardless. I have nothing to offer a woman besides late-night organ donor at this point so I just walked away with out saying anything. In the past there is no way I would have past that up as I would also have been at least a good amount drunk. Encounters like that make life more fun. I just have to figure out how to get at least like $3,000-$4,000 in the checking account per month and I feel like that encounter goes a little differently too. Ideally get my own business going again making $10,000+/month but I don't know if that is possible for me ever again. I don't really know what to say about money that hasn't already been said. I do know that being trapped in service for 7 years can be hellish. And, it seems that all this town really has is service. Service, car factory, jet factory, steel mill... I'm missing stuff but jobs are pretty bleak here if you aren't an engineer. Great fucking place to retire but not a great place to live as a 30 something trying to improve his/her life.

Yet, crust punks have boyfriends and girlfriends and enby-partners and all of the combos all the same. I don't know if I am willing to make the leap to crust punk and I am also tentative to attempt a comeback within capitalism. I have doctors who are telling me to take the disability and I have doctors that wonder why I am not working. I am really out of it too. Literally none of my clothes have buttons or zippers because I want to be free. I am like an artist in every way except in reality I am just a weirdo that doesn't actually ship any art nor wants to. So, I need to pay bills. I need to eat. I need shelter. I need clothes. There has got to be something about me that I can leverage for wealth. I want money to grow in my sleep.

By the way,

L'esprit de l'escalier

I feel like the best, most fun response to the woman at the beach today would have been to stop and respond, "Where have YOU been all my life?" Maybe, that's really cheesy although there isn't really a bad response. Just stopping and shrugging and saying "I don't know" works.

The problem as I said is that any house of cards that I build up or try to hide will tumble eventually under the least bit of scrutiny in how my life is going at the moment. The best policy is to be honest but no one wants to be with someone who is broke, in debt, and struggling to pay bills. I could attempt to pull off late-night organ donor when she is lonely but that is a weird setup especially with out drugs or alcohol ever being involved. Not to say that 2 strangers can't set some thing up because I have been part of arrangements like that before but it's usually spurt of the moment type of things fueled by alcohol. Plus, I will not have sex with a woman if she is too drunk if I have never had sex with her. Plus, if I ask her out to coffee and I am worried that my credit card will be declined that is not a good position to be in. I just sit at home eating mayonnaise sandwiches trying to figure out how to pass the time so I can take my sedatives and sleep as long as possible. Who the fuck wants to live that life? Even if they've never played The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild? There is no way any of it works unless she wants to cover everything in exchange for some dick. What does that even turn into? I heard of a guy who basically manipulated cougars for a living but I don't want to do that. I don't know what I want to do. I never have. That is my problem.

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RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2021 03:24. Posts 6708

Cliff notes:

i write too much.

a woman liked my tattoos and yelled at me while i was walking away "where have you been all my life!?"

i think now it was actually quite rude to just walk away.

it doesn't matter i will probably never see her again.

some memories are interesting some aren't.

i will probably not remember this in 5 years.

FINDAGRIND CODING!!!!

 Last edit: 31/07/2021 03:26

RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2021 22:47. Posts 6708

I am still in the process of growing my hair out but I have my doubts. There was this idealization of long hair as if I could get it to look like some anime character or at least Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, Jason Momoa, or some impossibly beautiful Raf Simons model. Obviously, that is idiotic but I think a part of me did think this. Like all of those women who would get Jennifer Anniston haircuts and be let down. Well, the long hair is here and I am not sure if it is as fun as I thought it would be. Putting it in a pony tail still takes like 5 min. and if I don't do that it is turning out to be quite a mess these days. I'm not sure what the end game is. Now, it is true that great hair and great beard is rather rare even with it becoming popular. The fact that it is popular is a negative imo. It would be way cooler if I was the only man on the planet with a great beard and hair. That is greedy and stupid but you get the point. The first time my hair was in a pony tail with my beard a 30 something attractive woman said, "That is a good look for you. The women will love it." I think my ego has grabbed onto those words and are holding them tightly. At the end of the day it is just hair. I feel like the level 2 buzz cut calls my name louder and more frequently as the days go by but long hair and great beard is such a strong archetypal presence.

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 Last edit: 01/08/2021 22:54

RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2021 00:07. Posts 6708

+++++

It is kind of weird trying to write without having done much. What is interesting about eating mayo sandwiches and trying to figure out how to spend the day that will cost 0 money?

Well, when the mayo and the bread runs out maybe I find a dusty container of grits then that is what I eat for every meal and then I lay in bed all day reading books. There are worse ways to spend time.

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RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2021 20:15. Posts 6708

Anyone know anything about hardships claims on a 401k retirement account?

The account has been making more than my credit cards have been charging vig (for now) but I really need this money even if I have to pay 10% penalties and pay taxes up front?


RiKD    United States. Aug 04 2021 05:24. Posts 6708

I went through and deleted probably 99% of my documents tonight. So many thoughts that we humans have. How insane to write so many of them down. This blog is no different. I would probably delete this blog if I could. Compare that to say minute 20 of a 30 min. meditation that I can complete rather easily. The thoughts are no less banal but so benign.


RiKD    United States. Aug 05 2021 05:03. Posts 6708

I think right now coding is a new drug. Coding and some aphex twin or deadmau5. I am trying to think of other good ones. I think it is kind of strange to force passions but damn it do I need to get good at this shit and fast.


 



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