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RiKD    United States. May 24 2019 22:13. Posts 5437
I wish to linger on commitment. My therapist said I should think about it. I am always on this idea and that idea and the next one not really committing to anything ever. I think it's mostly related to jobs/careers/whateveryouwanttocallit. I am supposed to think about that too. What am I good at and what do I like to do? There is always like a spirit in the air that seems to whisper teach. Teach. But, then that just seems like just another one of my ideas. I have never commit to it. So it's 3 questions:

- What am I good at?
- What do I like to do?
- What am I willing to commit to?

I think the commitment piece is key. I remember when I was committed to poker I usually did really well. When I was down on poker and looking for ways out and mopey I generally lost and was miserable. It's the same with that corporate sales job I had. I was committed to lacrosse and put together a strong four years and had a lot of great times. It just seems to be the way the world works. I don't know a way around it. I prefer multiple disciplinary work. I would love to be a shiny ball consultant. I don't know if jobs like that exist in this world for me. I don't know if I'm qualified. I don't know what I am qualified for. I don't know if I will ever find something I feel is worth committing to. Nothing has ever been good enough.

Maybe I'll ponder this some more and write more later. I think a lot of issue with commitment deals with FEAR(s) even if it is a +ev play. There is always going to be a lot of unknowns. Sometimes getting out of commitments at a certain point seems impossible or unbearable. At the end of the day though everything is a wager and we have to bet on whatever is going to give us the most overall life satisfaction (short-term and long-term). Which is actually another interesting discussion. Do we care if we are crippled and decrepit at 80 if 40 is really awesome? What if I really like cigarettes and cheese? I love red wine too.............. I was committed to red wine.

Oh well, I have to go...

Linger later

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dnagardi   Hungary. May 25 2019 21:29. Posts 1606

I think there are hundreds of millions of young ppl in this world feeling the same. They have a cozy, convenient life in their parents house. Good food, good clothes, enough money for going out. Never had to work hard for anything. Achieving all this without commiting hard to anything, what would motivate them to start doing that?


Santafairy   Korea (South). May 26 2019 17:01. Posts 1430

don't worry RiKD

I'm sure one day somebody will have you committed ^^

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

Loco   Canada. May 27 2019 00:12. Posts 19774

If Baal got banned for mocking the physical appearance of someone's girlfriend, it follows that Santafairy should be banned for mocking someone with mental illness. In fact it's even worse because he is doing so directly, whereas Baal's victim probably never got to see his comment.

I don't think your main struggle is with commitment. It's with intentionality. Intentionality is the opposite of compulsion, of "going with the flow" and following the path of least resistance. Compulsion makes life exciting, for a little while, and has terrible long-term ramifications. Intentionality is the opposite, it makes life more challenging, moment to moment, but more rewarding in the long run. It's possible to live compulsively and still commit to things, and they usually turn badly, and basically become fuel for further compulsion (and disappointment), hence why it shouldn't be the central concern.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

Santafairy   Korea (South). May 27 2019 13:44. Posts 1430

similarly, logically you're deceased because you need to get a life Loco. if RiKD ever thought I harbored any ill will towards him he could always keep me out of his blog

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. May 28 2019 05:04. Posts 5437

I might keep you out if I knew how.

God Damn Dudes,

Of course, I want to think about motivation and intentionality. I am just too tired to think right now. Story of my life right now.


Baalim   Mexico. May 28 2019 08:47. Posts 32712


  On May 26 2019 23:12 Loco wrote:
If Baal got banned for mocking the physical appearance of someone's girlfriend, it follows that Santafairy should be banned for mocking someone with mental illness. In fact it's even worse because he is doing so directly, whereas Baal's victim probably never got to see his comment.



oh just shut the fuck up

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Loco   Canada. May 28 2019 18:01. Posts 19774


  On May 28 2019 07:47 Baalim wrote:
Show nested quote +



oh just shut the fuck up


Ok so can you explain how what you did was any worse than this?

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

Baalim   Mexico. May 29 2019 08:39. Posts 32712

I dont remember correctly but I think I got into a flame war against Raszi and I crossed the line, Santafairy made a joke.



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Loco   Canada. May 29 2019 19:17. Posts 19774

Crossing the line was you calling his girlfriend "horseface" if I remember correctly. Sounds like a joke to me. I don't recall if there was something worse than that but I doubt it. Anyway, he is constantly mocking RiKD. Jokes can be jokes to those who are not affected by them and bullying for those who are.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken)Last edit: 29/05/2019 19:17

RiKD    United States. May 29 2019 20:37. Posts 5437

The joke didn't bother me. Santafairy is mostly a troll. I do admit I have found some of his shtick to be funny but this joke was meh at best. Psych ward jokes are best between 2+ people that have been to the psych ward.

For example:

Friend who has been locked up in numerous institutions (upon seeing me for the first time since being in the psych ward): "How are you doing, Rich?"

Me: "Pretty fucking shitty but at least I have shoe laces in my shoes."

Har har har

So, I have been to the psych ward on multiple occasions and it's possible I will go again. Big deal.

I would say the worst part about Santafairy's comment is it is pretty obvious I would like to improve my satisfaction with life and so to be trolled is rather annoying. Of course, I bring it on myself for posting blogs on here. The biggest thing is perhaps it's hard to justify that Santafairy is attempting to bring some levity and lightness to the discussion when he says things in other threads about caring more about tailored suits than people starving. That's just another troll so you just have to ride the Santafairy train and maybe eventually something he posts will be funny. I wouldn't be losing much if he stopped posting.


RiKD    United States. May 30 2019 02:53. Posts 5437

Commitment

1.
the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

2.
an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.

Two sides to a sword it seems. Similarly, like I had been thinking about. This is in the context of a job too. A commitment inherently will restrict freedom. I have to restrict freedom to commit to something.

If we are machines where does freedom and motivation even come in?

dnagardi:

  I think there are hundreds of millions of young ppl in this world feeling the same. They have a cozy, convenient life in their parents house. Good food, good clothes, enough money for going out. Never had to work hard for anything. Achieving all this without committing hard to anything, what would motivate them to start doing that?



My life is mostly cozy despite the dissatisfaction and lack of a feeling that I am really living. My life definitely feels convenient. I generally go with the flow and go down the paths of least resistance. I am not sure how to change this. I don't know what would motivate me to start living a more intentional life. At times it seems like vagina but that seems like a paradox. Not just vagina but social status. I don't like the word status. Social being maybe. Yet, I am currently incel and rarely go out but that still motivates me. The question is does that motivate me enough? It seems I am in someways content to just take naps, watch tv, post on message boards, watch film, read, et al.

Loco:

  I don't think your main struggle is with commitment. It's with intentionality. Intentionality is the opposite of compulsion, of "going with the flow" and following the path of least resistance. Compulsion makes life exciting, for a little while, and has terrible long-term ramifications. Intentionality is the opposite, it makes life more challenging, moment to moment, but more rewarding in the long run. It's possible to live compulsively and still commit to things, and they usually turn badly, and basically become fuel for further compulsion (and disappointment), hence why it shouldn't be the central concern.



Intentionality

the fact of being deliberate or purposive.

How can I be conscious, intentional, and purposive if I have no purpose? I mean not really. I'm a machine after all that wants to stay alive and pleasure is nice. I take fromage and dessert with dîner basically nightly because that's just what has happened. I don't think about atherosclerosis, strokes and losing years off my life in the moment. The cheese makes me feel good. I would probably start smoking if my parents wouldn't throw me out of the house if I did. Le petit plaisir. I am driven by it. My parents are not going to throw me out of the house for eating cheese and grapes. Maybe we have learned a little something about motivation?

I am just not really sure what will make my life satisfying. I really don't know. I am back to trying to find suitable meetups on meetup.com. Sometimes, it all feels so hopeless.

- I don't know how I am going to find friends
- I don't know how I am going to find dates
- I don't know how I am going to find something more "meaningful" than what I am doing now. The "meaningful" part is perceived meaningfulness. Obviously, helping Venezuela would be more meaningful than becoming an economic hit man. That's just an example of stark contrast. I am not actually qualified to do either of those things really. Venezuela seems like too big of a project. The one project I wanted to do locally here is Food Not Bombs but I work every Sunday and can never make it. The fact that I work the second shift means that I am at work when most people are doing stuff and maybe I can sneak something in on the lunch shift. The fact that I am working also means many time during the weak I am in a phase of un-deadness. As Byung Chul-Han puts it: I am not quite dead but not quite alive. It makes intentionality more difficult.

I agree that communication and books are basically two of the best activities. If I had my way much of my day would be spent reading and down at the cafe socializing and discussing. I have lost the privelege to drink and socialize and discuss in bars which is a real shame. I have very rarely been down at the diner in this city with friends late at night. Tinder destroys my soul. It does have this allure like "Real girls near you." It's such a fucking sickness. Once it gets into my blood stream it's really not a good thing for me.

I also have to think about this whole what I am good at and what I like to do piece. I am drawing a blank there too. I think it will be easier if I can actually find some "purpose" to be intentional about but I guess that is the problem. THE GOOD LIFE. We spend hours talking about it. Is that the purpose? Will finding some Tulsi Gabbard Team lead to THE GOOD LIFE? Or, is the Tulsi Gabbard Team just a purpose in of itself? A piece of the puzzle? Finding a good job? My current job isn't bad but what is this higher calling and why has it not specifically called me? No premonitions or phone calls here. No vivid dreams as of yet. Fuuuuuuuuuckkkkkk, it seems like I am at a road block. The fact that I believe I don't have 100% responsibility I may never change. Sad thought. Oh well, at least there is cheese and film....................................................

 Last edit: 30/05/2019 02:57

Loco   Canada. May 30 2019 03:27. Posts 19774

The beginning of living intentionally is the simple act of resistance. It doesn't require an overarching purpose. It is the purpose itself. It is resisting that which gets you down, moment to moment, because you recognize that it doesn't benefit you. Things that get us down are violent, addictive, deceptive. The thing is, you kind of have to like yourself to do that. If you hate yourself, you have no reason to want to benefit yourself. At the core of destructive behavior I think we can always find someone who hates themselves, who are ashamed of themselves. So that's obviously something to figure out at the same time.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken)Last edit: 30/05/2019 04:11

Santafairy   Korea (South). May 30 2019 11:44. Posts 1430

^jesus this guy is completely loco

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. May 30 2019 19:45. Posts 5437

I don't think I hate myself. Nor am I ashamed of myself. I could be in denial. At least I don't think I hate myself just because I eat cheese. I romanticize cigarettes. The reality is that a cigarette habit is pretty gross. You have laid out why a cheese habit is also gross. I don't find it that gross. Maybe I would if there was a documentary on the torture of dairy cows and an in depth look at the puss'y nature of cow milk. I am sorry I am not an advanced human. I find it hard to eat vegan and don't read all day. That must mean I hate myself. I may dislike myself for continuing to work for a corporation rather than making some small positive difference in the world. I don't know what else to do. As I said, I am not some EHM (economic hit man) or CIA jackal or corrupt politician or bullshit banker or greedy CEO. I make food for the bourgeois. I don't know if that is a rationalization. It is. Why the fuck would I want to make food for the bourgeois? Why the fuck would I want to work for Jeff Bezos? I am a slave to Jeff Bezos so I can support myself. He exploits my labor so he can mess around with rocket ships and whatever else. I would rather work at one of his Montessori schools he donated. Fuck that. Break the chains. Where is there a school I can work at where I am not a slave to bureaucracy or Jeff Bezos?

Get my Euro passport, move to France, have some red, escargot, duck confit, fromage, creme brule, espresso, cigarette, cognac, cigar, blunt, french prostitute, cigarette, pass out. That might be fun for a few hours. I'd probably end up crying the next day slugging down my 8th bottle of red. That was my last drunk. Rattlin' around looking for bottles of wine. I finally found some obscure bottle of Rosé I was keeping for a special occasion... Mainly seducing a woman who likes obscure bottles of Rosé. I don't even particularly like Rosé but I started slugging it down. The alcohol had lost it's effect. It seriously no longer worked. I still rattled around for some more drink. The pain was too great. I needed to pass out. I didn't want to open the special bottle of scotch. I think I chugged the rest of the Rosé and lied down and listened to music. Music still worked in my drunken stupor and I eventually passed out peacefully.

Did I hate myself then? Was I ashamed? Probably yes and yes. I worked in a corrupt area in a corrupt industry. I was not suited for where I was living or it wasn't suited for me. I was a workaholic that lost an account due to bribery. I was hired because my dad was a vice-president of the business unit. It feels like I have come so far but I still hate myself? What am I ashamed of? Probably eating commoditized cow products. 6'2'' 200 lbs. is not that overweight. My clothes still fit. I am ashamed that I still live with my parents. I am ashamed I don't have a girlfriend. I hate myself for not being as confident in social situations as I used to be. Basically, I hate myself for having social anxiety or whatever it is I have. I do need to clean my room. Or, do I? I know where everything is. It's a pigsty compared to conventional wisdom but a lot of conventional wisdom is shit. I'm not going to plan terrorist attacks because my room is a mess. On the other hand, I am probably not going to get laid. I'm not going to get laid anyway and maybe for this I hate myself and am ashamed.

I need to get my haircut and go for a walk on the beach. Lookup meetups. Even though I am somewhat scared of a meetup. I know that I can excuse myself at anytime though.

I don't know if I flourish in the lag times. I think the lag times allow me to face the abyss and I don't want to face the abyss. My first instinct would be to get hooked up to a simulation in which I play like Metal Gear Solid X squared. There was a time that literally for 2 days I mostly got super high on fucking dank vaporized marijuana and played Metal Gear Solid. It was blissful. I am not going to say that that made me the most happy I've ever been but it combatted the abyss like you wouldn't believe. I played that game non-stop except to get dîner and use the rest room. The minute I take these headphones off and walk away from this computer I am faced with the abyss. Maybe that is where my compulsion comes in. I am compulsively trying to avoid the abyss. Maybe one wouldn't think eating cheese or ice cream plays a part but I get slightly high from it. I want more. It's like my own minor version of heroin. Sometimes it makes me want heroin.

Fuck this I am drinking more coffee and painting.


RiKD    United States. May 30 2019 21:18. Posts 5437

I am such an addict I may be doomed to my life. AA talks about God and spiritual awakenings. I even felt that I had 1-3 or even more but were they profound and lasting enough? The God of the 3rd step in AA is not really a feasible option for me but they say He will fix everything. I just have to turn my will and my life over to this "God" and everything will be ok. It's a nice thought maybe. I need spirit in social cohesion. Let's bring down the corporatocracy! I like this idea of resistance. I am not perfect but this idea of resistance makes me stronger. Maybe we can all wake up and be better people in better societies.


RiKD    United States. May 31 2019 03:01. Posts 5437

Any suppressed wish will come out in some way. I think this is actually related to me hating myself or being ashamed of myself. I hate myself and am ashamed that I am not fulfilling wishes.


RiKD    United States. May 31 2019 03:26. Posts 5437

I am not sure what to do about this though. Either I lower expectations and be more content with nothing but I will still be suppressing wishes in either case. It's not like my wishes are do coke and race around Las Vegas with a swimsuit model in a Lamborghini anymore. They are all pretty reasonable. Maybe this is why it makes it more difficult. That I can't seem to do simple things most humans can. Maybe I resent that. Resentment is a poison. I have a lot of resentments. I resent the way in which the world is currently structured. Some days I resent being born. I am privileged yet marginalized.

Maybe I don't want to believe in "God" and do a 4th step brah? Maybe I want to try and figure this stuff out.......

They would say that was said by everyone who has ever relapsed. Fucking 12 step programs. Can't live with 'em and can't live without 'em......

But, I'm attempting to and have been attempting to.

I realize all of this writing on here could be tedious or maddening or both but it's all part of my process. It's not like I even know the process but something happens when I write. When I write I am forced to think.

What can I do about my unfulfilled and/or suppressed wishes?

I think most of my wishes are pretty grounded and down to earth these days. Why am I not more motivated to fulfill these wishes? It just all seems too difficult. I went on meetup.com today and was not thrilled with any aspect of it. I'm sick of this. All of this.


Santafairy   Korea (South). May 31 2019 05:40. Posts 1430


  On May 31 2019 02:01 RiKD wrote:
Any suppressed wish will come out in some way. I think this is actually related to me hating myself or being ashamed of myself. I hate myself and am ashamed that I am not fulfilling wishes.


yes

you should think about the image of who you want to be, then think about where you are now, and then consider how to work on trying to realize that goal. which you will never be satisfied because that's life, but that doesn't mean you therefore just should put in no effort

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

Baalim   Mexico. May 31 2019 07:50. Posts 32712


  On May 29 2019 18:17 Loco wrote:
Crossing the line was you calling his girlfriend "horseface" if I remember correctly. Sounds like a joke to me. I don't recall if there was something worse than that but I doubt it. Anyway, he is constantly mocking RiKD. Jokes can be jokes to those who are not affected by them and bullying for those who are.



We weren't joking, we got mad and tried to insult each other and in a moment of inspiration I came up with an insult that im proud and ashamed at the same time and demolished him lol (much worse than horseface lol), I deserved the ban 100% and even thought he might confront me when I meat him years after, but he didn't, we smoked a cigarette outside and we are actually quite similar.

I would only ban for a joke if Rik asked me to stop somebody in particular and I would warn them first

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