I wish to linger on commitment. My therapist said I should think about it. I am always on this idea and that idea and the next one not really committing to anything ever. I think it's mostly related to jobs/careers/whateveryouwanttocallit. I am supposed to think about that too. What am I good at and what do I like to do? There is always like a spirit in the air that seems to whisper teach. Teach. But, then that just seems like just another one of my ideas. I have never commit to it. So it's 3 questions:
- What am I good at?
- What do I like to do?
- What am I willing to commit to?
I think the commitment piece is key. I remember when I was committed to poker I usually did really well. When I was down on poker and looking for ways out and mopey I generally lost and was miserable. It's the same with that corporate sales job I had. I was committed to lacrosse and put together a strong four years and had a lot of great times. It just seems to be the way the world works. I don't know a way around it. I prefer multiple disciplinary work. I would love to be a shiny ball consultant. I don't know if jobs like that exist in this world for me. I don't know if I'm qualified. I don't know what I am qualified for. I don't know if I will ever find something I feel is worth committing to. Nothing has ever been good enough.
Maybe I'll ponder this some more and write more later. I think a lot of issue with commitment deals with FEAR(s) even if it is a +ev play. There is always going to be a lot of unknowns. Sometimes getting out of commitments at a certain point seems impossible or unbearable. At the end of the day though everything is a wager and we have to bet on whatever is going to give us the most overall life satisfaction (short-term and long-term). Which is actually another interesting discussion. Do we care if we are crippled and decrepit at 80 if 40 is really awesome? What if I really like cigarettes and cheese? I love red wine too.............. I was committed to red wine.
I think there are hundreds of millions of young ppl in this world feeling the same. They have a cozy, convenient life in their parents house. Good food, good clothes, enough money for going out. Never had to work hard for anything. Achieving all this without commiting hard to anything, what would motivate them to start doing that?
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Santafairy Korea (South). May 26 2019 17:01. Posts 2225
don't worry RiKD
I'm sure one day somebody will have you committed ^^
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
If Baal got banned for mocking the physical appearance of someone's girlfriend, it follows that Santafairy should be banned for mocking someone with mental illness. In fact it's even worse because he is doing so directly, whereas Baal's victim probably never got to see his comment.
I don't think your main struggle is with commitment. It's with intentionality. Intentionality is the opposite of compulsion, of "going with the flow" and following the path of least resistance. Compulsion makes life exciting, for a little while, and has terrible long-term ramifications. Intentionality is the opposite, it makes life more challenging, moment to moment, but more rewarding in the long run. It's possible to live compulsively and still commit to things, and they usually turn badly, and basically become fuel for further compulsion (and disappointment), hence why it shouldn't be the central concern.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
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Santafairy Korea (South). May 27 2019 13:44. Posts 2225
similarly, logically you're deceased because you need to get a life Loco. if RiKD ever thought I harbored any ill will towards him he could always keep me out of his blog
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
On May 26 2019 23:12 Loco wrote:
If Baal got banned for mocking the physical appearance of someone's girlfriend, it follows that Santafairy should be banned for mocking someone with mental illness. In fact it's even worse because he is doing so directly, whereas Baal's victim probably never got to see his comment.
On May 26 2019 23:12 Loco wrote:
If Baal got banned for mocking the physical appearance of someone's girlfriend, it follows that Santafairy should be banned for mocking someone with mental illness. In fact it's even worse because he is doing so directly, whereas Baal's victim probably never got to see his comment.
oh just shut the fuck up
Ok so can you explain how what you did was any worse than this?
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
Crossing the line was you calling his girlfriend "horseface" if I remember correctly. Sounds like a joke to me. I don't recall if there was something worse than that but I doubt it. Anyway, he is constantly mocking RiKD. Jokes can be jokes to those who are not affected by them and bullying for those who are.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
The joke didn't bother me. Santafairy is mostly a troll. I do admit I have found some of his shtick to be funny but this joke was meh at best. Psych ward jokes are best between 2+ people that have been to the psych ward.
For example:
Friend who has been locked up in numerous institutions (upon seeing me for the first time since being in the psych ward): "How are you doing, Rich?"
Me: "Pretty fucking shitty but at least I have shoe laces in my shoes."
Har har har
So, I have been to the psych ward on multiple occasions and it's possible I will go again. Big deal.
I would say the worst part about Santafairy's comment is it is pretty obvious I would like to improve my satisfaction with life and so to be trolled is rather annoying. Of course, I bring it on myself for posting blogs on here. The biggest thing is perhaps it's hard to justify that Santafairy is attempting to bring some levity and lightness to the discussion when he says things in other threads about caring more about tailored suits than people starving. That's just another troll so you just have to ride the Santafairy train and maybe eventually something he posts will be funny. I wouldn't be losing much if he stopped posting.
1.
the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
2.
an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.
Two sides to a sword it seems. Similarly, like I had been thinking about. This is in the context of a job too. A commitment inherently will restrict freedom. I have to restrict freedom to commit to something.
If we are machines where does freedom and motivation even come in?
dnagardi:
I think there are hundreds of millions of young ppl in this world feeling the same. They have a cozy, convenient life in their parents house. Good food, good clothes, enough money for going out. Never had to work hard for anything. Achieving all this without committing hard to anything, what would motivate them to start doing that?
My life is mostly cozy despite the dissatisfaction and lack of a feeling that I am really living. My life definitely feels convenient. I generally go with the flow and go down the paths of least resistance. I am not sure how to change this. I don't know what would motivate me to start living a more intentional life. At times it seems like vagina but that seems like a paradox. Not just vagina but social status. I don't like the word status. Social being maybe. Yet, I am currently incel and rarely go out but that still motivates me. The question is does that motivate me enough? It seems I am in someways content to just take naps, watch tv, post on message boards, watch film, read, et al.
Loco:
I don't think your main struggle is with commitment. It's with intentionality. Intentionality is the opposite of compulsion, of "going with the flow" and following the path of least resistance. Compulsion makes life exciting, for a little while, and has terrible long-term ramifications. Intentionality is the opposite, it makes life more challenging, moment to moment, but more rewarding in the long run. It's possible to live compulsively and still commit to things, and they usually turn badly, and basically become fuel for further compulsion (and disappointment), hence why it shouldn't be the central concern.
Intentionality
the fact of being deliberate or purposive.
How can I be conscious, intentional, and purposive if I have no purpose? I mean not really. I'm a machine after all that wants to stay alive and pleasure is nice. I take fromage and dessert with dîner basically nightly because that's just what has happened. I don't think about atherosclerosis, strokes and losing years off my life in the moment. The cheese makes me feel good. I would probably start smoking if my parents wouldn't throw me out of the house if I did. Le petit plaisir. I am driven by it. My parents are not going to throw me out of the house for eating cheese and grapes. Maybe we have learned a little something about motivation?
I am just not really sure what will make my life satisfying. I really don't know. I am back to trying to find suitable meetups on meetup.com. Sometimes, it all feels so hopeless.
- I don't know how I am going to find friends
- I don't know how I am going to find dates
- I don't know how I am going to find something more "meaningful" than what I am doing now. The "meaningful" part is perceived meaningfulness. Obviously, helping Venezuela would be more meaningful than becoming an economic hit man. That's just an example of stark contrast. I am not actually qualified to do either of those things really. Venezuela seems like too big of a project. The one project I wanted to do locally here is Food Not Bombs but I work every Sunday and can never make it. The fact that I work the second shift means that I am at work when most people are doing stuff and maybe I can sneak something in on the lunch shift. The fact that I am working also means many time during the weak I am in a phase of un-deadness. As Byung Chul-Han puts it: I am not quite dead but not quite alive. It makes intentionality more difficult.
I agree that communication and books are basically two of the best activities. If I had my way much of my day would be spent reading and down at the cafe socializing and discussing. I have lost the privelege to drink and socialize and discuss in bars which is a real shame. I have very rarely been down at the diner in this city with friends late at night. Tinder destroys my soul. It does have this allure like "Real girls near you." It's such a fucking sickness. Once it gets into my blood stream it's really not a good thing for me.
I also have to think about this whole what I am good at and what I like to do piece. I am drawing a blank there too. I think it will be easier if I can actually find some "purpose" to be intentional about but I guess that is the problem. THE GOOD LIFE. We spend hours talking about it. Is that the purpose? Will finding some Tulsi Gabbard Team lead to THE GOOD LIFE? Or, is the Tulsi Gabbard Team just a purpose in of itself? A piece of the puzzle? Finding a good job? My current job isn't bad but what is this higher calling and why has it not specifically called me? No premonitions or phone calls here. No vivid dreams as of yet. Fuuuuuuuuuckkkkkk, it seems like I am at a road block. The fact that I believe I don't have 100% responsibility I may never change. Sad thought. Oh well, at least there is cheese and film....................................................
The beginning of living intentionally is the simple act of resistance. It doesn't require an overarching purpose. It is the purpose itself. It is resisting that which gets you down, moment to moment, because you recognize that it doesn't benefit you. Things that get us down are violent, addictive, deceptive. The thing is, you kind of have to like yourself to do that. If you hate yourself, you have no reason to want to benefit yourself. At the core of destructive behavior I think we can always find someone who hates themselves, who are ashamed of themselves. So that's obviously something to figure out at the same time.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
Last edit: 30/05/2019 04:11
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Santafairy Korea (South). May 30 2019 11:44. Posts 2225
^jesus this guy is completely loco
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
I don't think I hate myself. Nor am I ashamed of myself. I could be in denial. At least I don't think I hate myself just because I eat cheese. I romanticize cigarettes. The reality is that a cigarette habit is pretty gross. You have laid out why a cheese habit is also gross. I don't find it that gross. Maybe I would if there was a documentary on the torture of dairy cows and an in depth look at the puss'y nature of cow milk. I am sorry I am not an advanced human. I find it hard to eat vegan and don't read all day. That must mean I hate myself. I may dislike myself for continuing to work for a corporation rather than making some small positive difference in the world. I don't know what else to do. As I said, I am not some EHM (economic hit man) or CIA jackal or corrupt politician or bullshit banker or greedy CEO. I make food for the bourgeois. I don't know if that is a rationalization. It is. Why the fuck would I want to make food for the bourgeois? Why the fuck would I want to work for Jeff Bezos? I am a slave to Jeff Bezos so I can support myself. He exploits my labor so he can mess around with rocket ships and whatever else. I would rather work at one of his Montessori schools he donated. Fuck that. Break the chains. Where is there a school I can work at where I am not a slave to bureaucracy or Jeff Bezos?
Get my Euro passport, move to France, have some red, escargot, duck confit, fromage, creme brule, espresso, cigarette, cognac, cigar, blunt, french prostitute, cigarette, pass out. That might be fun for a few hours. I'd probably end up crying the next day slugging down my 8th bottle of red. That was my last drunk. Rattlin' around looking for bottles of wine. I finally found some obscure bottle of Rosé I was keeping for a special occasion... Mainly seducing a woman who likes obscure bottles of Rosé. I don't even particularly like Rosé but I started slugging it down. The alcohol had lost it's effect. It seriously no longer worked. I still rattled around for some more drink. The pain was too great. I needed to pass out. I didn't want to open the special bottle of scotch. I think I chugged the rest of the Rosé and lied down and listened to music. Music still worked in my drunken stupor and I eventually passed out peacefully.
Did I hate myself then? Was I ashamed? Probably yes and yes. I worked in a corrupt area in a corrupt industry. I was not suited for where I was living or it wasn't suited for me. I was a workaholic that lost an account due to bribery. I was hired because my dad was a vice-president of the business unit. It feels like I have come so far but I still hate myself? What am I ashamed of? Probably eating commoditized cow products. 6'2'' 200 lbs. is not that overweight. My clothes still fit. I am ashamed that I still live with my parents. I am ashamed I don't have a girlfriend. I hate myself for not being as confident in social situations as I used to be. Basically, I hate myself for having social anxiety or whatever it is I have. I do need to clean my room. Or, do I? I know where everything is. It's a pigsty compared to conventional wisdom but a lot of conventional wisdom is shit. I'm not going to plan terrorist attacks because my room is a mess. On the other hand, I am probably not going to get laid. I'm not going to get laid anyway and maybe for this I hate myself and am ashamed.
I need to get my haircut and go for a walk on the beach. Lookup meetups. Even though I am somewhat scared of a meetup. I know that I can excuse myself at anytime though.
I don't know if I flourish in the lag times. I think the lag times allow me to face the abyss and I don't want to face the abyss. My first instinct would be to get hooked up to a simulation in which I play like Metal Gear Solid X squared. There was a time that literally for 2 days I mostly got super high on fucking dank vaporized marijuana and played Metal Gear Solid. It was blissful. I am not going to say that that made me the most happy I've ever been but it combatted the abyss like you wouldn't believe. I played that game non-stop except to get dîner and use the rest room. The minute I take these headphones off and walk away from this computer I am faced with the abyss. Maybe that is where my compulsion comes in. I am compulsively trying to avoid the abyss. Maybe one wouldn't think eating cheese or ice cream plays a part but I get slightly high from it. I want more. It's like my own minor version of heroin. Sometimes it makes me want heroin.
I am such an addict I may be doomed to my life. AA talks about God and spiritual awakenings. I even felt that I had 1-3 or even more but were they profound and lasting enough? The God of the 3rd step in AA is not really a feasible option for me but they say He will fix everything. I just have to turn my will and my life over to this "God" and everything will be ok. It's a nice thought maybe. I need spirit in social cohesion. Let's bring down the corporatocracy! I like this idea of resistance. I am not perfect but this idea of resistance makes me stronger. Maybe we can all wake up and be better people in better societies.
Any suppressed wish will come out in some way. I think this is actually related to me hating myself or being ashamed of myself. I hate myself and am ashamed that I am not fulfilling wishes.
I am not sure what to do about this though. Either I lower expectations and be more content with nothing but I will still be suppressing wishes in either case. It's not like my wishes are do coke and race around Las Vegas with a swimsuit model in a Lamborghini anymore. They are all pretty reasonable. Maybe this is why it makes it more difficult. That I can't seem to do simple things most humans can. Maybe I resent that. Resentment is a poison. I have a lot of resentments. I resent the way in which the world is currently structured. Some days I resent being born. I am privileged yet marginalized.
Maybe I don't want to believe in "God" and do a 4th step brah? Maybe I want to try and figure this stuff out.......
They would say that was said by everyone who has ever relapsed. Fucking 12 step programs. Can't live with 'em and can't live without 'em......
But, I'm attempting to and have been attempting to.
I realize all of this writing on here could be tedious or maddening or both but it's all part of my process. It's not like I even know the process but something happens when I write. When I write I am forced to think.
What can I do about my unfulfilled and/or suppressed wishes?
I think most of my wishes are pretty grounded and down to earth these days. Why am I not more motivated to fulfill these wishes? It just all seems too difficult. I went on meetup.com today and was not thrilled with any aspect of it. I'm sick of this. All of this.
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Santafairy Korea (South). May 31 2019 05:40. Posts 2225
On May 31 2019 02:01 RiKD wrote:
Any suppressed wish will come out in some way. I think this is actually related to me hating myself or being ashamed of myself. I hate myself and am ashamed that I am not fulfilling wishes.
yes
you should think about the image of who you want to be, then think about where you are now, and then consider how to work on trying to realize that goal. which you will never be satisfied because that's life, but that doesn't mean you therefore just should put in no effort
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
On May 29 2019 18:17 Loco wrote:
Crossing the line was you calling his girlfriend "horseface" if I remember correctly. Sounds like a joke to me. I don't recall if there was something worse than that but I doubt it. Anyway, he is constantly mocking RiKD. Jokes can be jokes to those who are not affected by them and bullying for those who are.
We weren't joking, we got mad and tried to insult each other and in a moment of inspiration I came up with an insult that im proud and ashamed at the same time and demolished him lol (much worse than horseface lol), I deserved the ban 100% and even thought he might confront me when I meat him years after, but he didn't, we smoked a cigarette outside and we are actually quite similar.
I would only ban for a joke if Rik asked me to stop somebody in particular and I would warn them first
I went into the city today. I meant to eat vegan today. I had a croissant and coffee (with milk) for breakfast (no Oatley's in the house). For lunch, the only thing they had was fried oysters and fries (in oil). They also had cole slaw (egg) which I wanted to eat. Then they had a pecan pie with vanilla ice cream (egg + dairy) I wanted to eat. I also had coffee with cream. For dinner I ate sweet potato and asparagus and couldn't resist a delicious salmon patty. I did come to the realization that I don't have to eat like the French and that it's not going to make me particularly that happy. It's going to make me fat. Same with the Southern diet. I don't know if I can go full vegan right off the bat but I have to trend in that way. I think I will hate myself if I don't.
I took a walk down Shopping St. in the city today. I felt like this guy:
Otherwise I'm mostly just chilling. I wanted to keep things on topic. The vegan thing I think is a legitimate piece to commitment and intentionality. It's a start at least.
The Shopping St. experience is just something that was kind of jarring and it was also nice. I never go shopping anymore and it felt good to not enter any stores but rather just take a walk to find out where this great Korean restaurant is and not care that I wasn't well-dressed or trendy or cool.
I'm still drawing a blank on what I am good at and what I like.
I think I might have given up on meetup.com.
If I can just trend towards vegan, read more (which I have been doing), and exercise more regularly that should be a good start to anything I put my mind to.
Considering I still haven't come across what I both am good at and like doing in a work context, my thinking on commitment continues to come along, and I may have just cancelled meetup.com I think this blog may just turn into a what did I eat today which will probably lose novelty rather quickly.
For breakfast I had a rather standard petit dejeuner of baguette toast with really fucking good jam. I'm never that hungry in the mornings. I just like to get something in there and move on with the day. I had my coffee black.
For lunch I had pumpkin oatmeal with some bananas. I realize now that the oatmeal actually had milk in it. Bummer. I have made that oatmeal sooooo many times with Oatley's Oat Milk I didn't even think about it. My mom made it the other day with dairy milk. I want to make some gallo pinto tomorrow. I need to have the discipline to do that before work.
Dinner I had some Indian curry.... or what the hot food area considers Indian curry. It was lacking in a lot of spices to be considered Indian curry but it was still pretty decent. I had some vegetable samosas as well. I am pretty sure everything in prepared foods is fried in oil and not animal fat. I am going to have to explore. I am slightly worried that there isn't a lot of choice at work.
I don't understand why I am always hungry when I get home from work? At least, I went with a banana, some mango, and some crackers with amazing jam instead of taking fromage and eating a pint of ice cream.
I am also back to part undead zone. I tried reading a book is not very dense at all so far and I am just like fuck this sucks. I'm tired, I'm yawning but it just feels like it's not time for bed yet. I don't know why I think gaming would be fun at this time either. Zombie'ing out to some TV seems like the "best" option. I don't want to commit to a film.
You're not supposed to commit to what you like or what you're good at. That's how you end up chasing your tail. You become good at that which you commit to, and you commit to things that you don't like because they are necessary. Isn't that what discipline = freedom by your bud Jocko all about? You start with simple things like watching a vegan documentary if you have an interest in it, committing to paying attention.
You are intentional about what you do or you just don't do it. You ask questions about what is in the food if you care about veganism. You don't make assumptions when you can have answers. If you don't want to, you don't want to, but you don't obsess about it either. You move on to something you're willing to do. Half assing doesn't ever help.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
I have acquired some Oatley's Oat Milk. Some is probably going into the cup of coffee tomorrow.
Lunch - Gallo Pinto
Real easy. 1 cup of basmati rice. 1.5 c water. Have a kick ass rice cooker. It takes about an hour to cook. Go to store get ingredients. Dice 1 onion. Mince about 2 cloves of garlic. Throw some oil in a pan an start cooking the garlic. Let it cook just a little bit and throw in the onions. You want the onions to get translucent. Stir occasionally or ideally learn how to do the pro flip with the pan. Dice 1 red bell pepper for garnish. Rough chop some cilantro for garnish. Find a good jalapeño sauce. I just grabbed some Cholula green sauce. There is a Costa Rican salsa that is very delicious as well called Salsa Lizano but I have to order it from Amazon and just said fuck it who cares. I like getting the pre-cooked black beans w/ out salt added in the can. When onions are good and translucent I just throw in the beans in the pan and stir. The beans are already cooked we just want to warm them up a bit. You could eat it all at room temperature too and it would still be good. I forgot to add salt and pepper and it was still delicious. This is one of my go to dishes and you can really make it however you want. I mostly just make it for convenience. It makes about 4 or 5 servings I would say. I already had basmati rice, vegetable oil, garlic. My grocery bill was less than $10.
Dinner - Vegan Indian Curry + Naked Mango Drink
Not bad. I am not sure if I could see myself eating it every day. I'll have to consider bringing in the Gallo Pinto from home but then I am eating that 2 times a day as well. I suppose I have to delve back in to some other recipes so I can have more variety. I typically don't mind eating the same thing over and over but I have my limits.
You're not supposed to commit to what you like or what you're good at. That's how you end up chasing your tail. You become good at that which you commit to, and you commit to things that you don't like because they are necessary. Isn't that what discipline = freedom by your bud Jocko all about? You start with simple things like watching a vegan documentary if you have an interest in it, committing to paying attention.
You are intentional about what you do or you just don't do it. You ask questions about what is in the food if you care about veganism. You don't make assumptions when you can have answers. If you don't want to, you don't want to, but you don't obsess about it either. You move on to something you're willing to do. Half assing doesn't ever help.
Ummmmm... For employment one should probably be looking into stuff they are good at and that they like. If someone is bad at something they aren't going to get hired and they probably won't enjoy what they are doing. My brother is extremely good at math. He also enjoys math. He now works as a Data Scientist and thrives. My sister is great at what she does and loves it and thrives. My other sister has finally found something she enjoys doing and is rather good at it and she thrives. I still don't get why I would pursue employment in something I am bad at or don't enjoy. I guess I see your point though Advanced schooling is probably pretty shitty no matter how you cut it. Yeah, my bud Jocko would get up everyday to train at 4:45am and go to grad school probably.
I wasn't talking about work. Of course one should look for a line of work they like and can do well in (but even in a good job, there's a lot that you won't like doing). But landing the "dream job" is a luxury nowadays, and your dissatisfaction with your life stems far more from drifting/living unintentionally than it does from doing work you don't like, so that should be your main focus. Of course work you don't like compounds on this since it takes a lot of your energy (even when you're no longer there). You're basically primed to be in that autopilot mode. That has always been one of the main arguments against wage labor, not just by anarchists but even by people like Adam Smith.
I'm not suggesting it's easy or that you're lazy, but there's a lot of things you can do to improve your well-being. But it's like your behavior is often ruled by the fallacy of "I just ate one spoonful of ice cream, I broke my commitment, so I might as well eat the whole tub." It's like things just happen to you, you give up your agency easily, moment to moment.
The way you write here regularly points this out, "I am here writing this, I should probably be doing this other thing" -- it's like you're watching yourself from above and the body is doing its own thing while you exist in a different sphere where you have no influence over your behavior. It reminds me of a scene in "The End of the Fucking World" where a pedophile grabs this kid's hand and places it on his dick at the urinal while they're both peeing. He just lets it happen, because he feels like there's no reason to resist. Things just happen, and it's not worth it to engage with them.
Look at what you wrote at the top: " I meant to eat vegan today". Just how much conscious effort did you place into actualizing your goal there? What does "I meant to eat vegan today" really mean? Does it mean "I would have liked to eat vegan for the day if it was really easy and there had been no temptation to do otherwise" or does it mean "I tried to commit to eating vegan and prepared for it."? From the looks of your day, it looks like it meant the former. The fact that something wasn't in the house was enough to break the commitment for your first meal. For your second meal, you decided to go to a place where there were no vegan options.
So, by all evidence, you liked the idea of eating vegan, but you didn't like the idea of doing much of anything in order to successfully do so. So why think about it, or write about it at all? Why not look into things you can do and commit to and don't just like the idea of? Surely there are some things that you can do that don't require an enormous amount of willpower that is hard to sustain. It could be reading a chapter of a book every day, or eating a plant-based meal every day, or a full day of plant-based eating every week. You come up with the pros and cons of doing/not doing those things and you start where it's manageable. But you don't just think about how it would be nice, you think about the obstacles you're likely to face and what to do when they come up. You engineer your environment to make it possible. It's not going to make you feel amazing about yourself most of the time if they're small goals, but it's a start and it beats drifting endlessly with pseudo-goals.
The problem with people like Jocko is that they are productivists. They don't care about what's manageable to one person, and how much their addictions help them cope with their problems, they prescribe the same kind of productivism to everyone, which is stupidly unsustainable. This kind of productivism is either abandoned because it's too overwhelming or it becomes its own addiction, like Byung Chul-han speaks about.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
It's more than just autopilot. It's an undead zone. Not quite dead but not quite alive.
I ate some strawberry shortcake today. My workmate had some and offered it to me and I unthinkingly ate some. So, I had a bite of whip cream and cake. I didn't come home and eat a pint of ice cream. I went: "Oh shit, that was dumb. Oh well" and moved forward with the day. That first day I decided to go vegan it was just the idea. Fried oysters and fries is going to be vegan in 99% of restaurants around here. I've only been to one restaurant here that uses animal fat and they use duck fat. Their specialty is duck. Canola oil or peanut oil is going to be so much cheaper and easier. Either way it's a moot point since I didn't ask the waitress what they fried their food in and I ate the coleslaw and then I had a pie and ice cream. I obviously wasn't very serious that day. I did ask my place of employment what they fry their food with and it's canola oil which is what I was pretty sure it was anyway.
Addicts would tell you that there is a mental obsession and an allergy of the body. I don't know what I believe. In the pederast example he had an obsession to have the boy touch his penis and once he does this he will not stop and want more. The obsession will get worse. A lot of this literature feels archaic and from the 1930s-1950s but this is how addiction was taught to me. I don't know if I believe I have agency. Thankfully, I don't have any predilections towards pedophilia but with drinking it was as if I didn't have agency.
No, I am going to go for vegan. I ate vegan yesterday and it was fine. I ate vegan today besides the blank on the strawberry shortcake sample. I'm going to make mistakes most likely. It's not going to be easy. I may end up justifying eating dairy and some animal meat again. I have found for me eating vegan only gets easier. It get easier until I get into good shape and then I want to branch out for whatever reason and I eat the French diet, the Southern diet, etc. and I start gaining weight but I don't care because I love all the foods. It's the pleasure trap.
I'm not planning on waking up at 4:45am everyday and going to grad school. I did attempt to live that life for months meaning waking up at 4:45am to train and then go to work and it was actually pretty good. The thing about the achievement-subject is it's not like I am even trying to go crazy at work. I still get tired and find myself in the undead zone. I've been a self-exploiting workaholic before fighting for some immortality project or status or whatever and I don't think I am in that zone. Hopefully, I'll never enter that zone again but I am still undead when I come home from work and it takes like a night of sleep and if I have a day off I typically have rid myself of it. I don't know if I understand the last part. I don't think I am a productivist nor am I attempting to be one.
The plot thickens. The kitchen I work at makes sure to fry vegetarian in vegetarian and animal matter in animal matter but how many places do this? Duh duh duh. I obviously shouldn't be eating samosas if they were fried in a fryer that was frying chicken fingers eh?
Psych ward when I was stable was pretty chill and we had activities through out the day. Downtime we just sat around and shot the shit or I read in my room. It was one of the best pysch wards in the nation. I didn't like being pent up or asking people to use the restroom, etc. but my time there was quite nice actually.
Camping I definitely felt differently. I miss getting out into nature with friends. You make breakfast together, you talk, you read, you throw around some kettlebells or whatever. You forage for logs and twigs and what have you for a fire. Looking at the sky at night. The non-light polluted sky. Sitting around a campfire for hours and hours and hours. I am never quite at peace like I am out in nature.
The cool part about England and Paris is that there were wifi connections abound but I didn't even think to use it. Again, a lot of conversation and reading. Paris there wasn't enough time in the day. Although, I'm sure if I actually lived there it would be different and I'd be on the computer everyday.
I think a connection in all 3 cases was I was surrounded by interesting people and interesting things to do. One thing about camping in particular is I could just sit down and read more or less a whole book over a few sittings or 1 sitting depending on the book. I never get that level of peace and quiet and absence of instant gratification. It's either read or go for a walk or do some tidying up or go off on some project. Paris there is just so much to do it's like why the fuck would I be on the internet? In England I have relatives I may only see every 4 years or less so am I really going to be on the internet or am I going to spend some quality time with them. The psych ward it wasn't an option and they provided a lot of cool activities like Tai Chi, Art classes, journaling time, et al. I filled up 2 adult coloring books as well re-read "Thus Spake Tharathustra" and read "Madame Bovary." It didn't always feel like I was locked up in an institution and they also taught us more about our mental illnesses. My time there is why I'm convinced that if we took a more rehabilitative approach to all institutions including prison that would be a huge step forward.
Do you have some studies on internet use or something?
It seems so foreign to me to not use the internet if I'm not on vacation. Like, I don't even know what I would do right now. 9:48 PM on a Wednesday night. I suppose read. I could paint if I felt like it. I had a nap today so I am not undead. The world is my oyster yet I sit here on this computer. Meh.
There are studies for everything, but yeah, the kind of uncritical use of the internet that you speak of is known to be associated with (increasing) depression and anxiety. In any case, it's just another area of focus to be more intentional about. Another pleasure trap to be resisted. The Stoics taught about occasional voluntary deprivation for this sort of thing. It's of course very difficult. Mark Fisher talks about this feeling on the internet that is best defined as a combination of being bored and curious at the same time and how normalized it has become to remain in that state for extended periods of time.
The world is certainly not your oyster. There's a lot more that you can't do than there is that you can do. But there's still a lot of things to explore and do if the motivation is there.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
Veganism to the tracks of Mark Fisher (among others)
Not that veganism is actually that big of a deal. I eat some food and go about my day. I think it gets a lot more complex when considering things human cruelty involved in chocolate, tomatoes, bananas, sugar, et al. It's hard to keep up with everything. It's like you go down this rabbit hole and shit is really fucked up. I wonder if I will kill myself like Mark. It's a real possibility. I am re-learning veganism. I just realized today that typically anything fried was battered in milk and flour. So, hushpuppies, oysters, clams, etc. are out. Hushpuppies are out anyway since most cornbread is made with buttermilk. Eating out becomes difficult. Fuck eating out at most places anyways. It's like not eating ice cream anymore. It's actually quite good for me in the long run. Even if I substitute with like 500 calories of dark cherries at least I am getting some fiber and anti-oxidants. I am finding it hard to really overeat on a plant-based diet.
Should I still use my "cruelty free" body wash or "cruelty free" deoderant? Does it matter? It's like getting non-dairy ice cream from Haggen Daz.
What if my dentist gives me free samples of Colgate?
Am I allowed to eat pizza that would otherwise be going into the trash?
Damn, how do we make a dent in all of this bullshit.
We already went over this. Try to sustain the 'hard' stuff and worry about the small stuff later, if at all. In practical terms: get better at handling the diet aspect of things and the psycho-social aspect. Mexie does answer your questions at the end though with regards to ideal consumption habits, even though they are secondary.
In all likelihood, you will not maintain it. Most people fail to do so, especially without a strong circle of support, it's almost guaranteed. People like Mexie gain positive reinforcement for their choice all the time, since they are politically active and have a lot of vegan friends, which is something you will not be getting. I can do without it but people like me are very rare, it's a personality type thing, not saying I'm any better than you or anything like that.
Some people need to watch animal agriculture footage somewhat regularly in order to remind themselves of why they are doing it despite the negatives because we are social animals and peer pressure eventually affects nearly everyone if we don't prepare effectively.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
United States. May 24 2019 22:13. Posts 8522
