RiKD   United States. Dec 19 2018 02:08. Posts 5438
I'm going to try this. I'm going to write whatever comes to my mind and not think about writing what is the right thing to say or to please anyone. This is what my therapist instructed me to do. She is also a psychiatrist and practiced psycho-analyst. She also believes in God and made it sound like she was a Catholic but then was kind of ambiguous on whether she still is a Catholic. I know more about her than that but that is just what came to mind first. In our last session she talked about not knowing me at all. I think we've had 3 or 4 sessions and the fact she knew so little about me she said was abnormal. Ok? She correctly posited that since my goal was to reduce suffering I must be suffering. That wasn't even an official goal or anything. I think I mentioned it in the first session sometime in relation to partaking in Buddhism. I think the session I was supposed to have goals I opened with that I was depressed so we explored that. I like Loco's idea of being ok in my own skin in a society that doesn't suck but I'm not convinced there is a society that doesn't suck so we'll just have to go with whatever Loco said about getting the benefits of society without having to conform to it. My therapist believes I am avoiding something with these neuroscience lectures and complex systems courses and in the past with all the Buddhism and meditation. To be honest, I don't really have any goals. I'd like to go to Thailand, I'd like to go to Japan, I'd like to go to Paris again. I do what I can to make my days reasonable. I have strategies and plans that I employ at work to make the day go better. It's some mix of making my life easier and improving the company's profits. Sometimes they coincide, sometimes they don't. She is continually interested in what I do for joy. It is sometimes for me hard to decipher this. Reading a certain chapter of Infinite Jest brings me joy. I went to a new place for brunch today that turned out to be really cool. That's just in the moment off the top of my head. Buying my toddler nephew's really awesome books brought me joy. Buying my brother-in-law slippers. But, it seems a lot of times it takes me a while to produce instances of joy or sometimes I just don't experience that much joy. I say things like running a model that showed how ants find their food brings me joy and I feel like I am getting judged. Whereas telling her going out to lunch with my friend and going for a walk brings me joy is like a normal answer. I'm really just judging myself.
We'll take a space so this doesn't turn into one big block of text. Someone criticized me for that in another blog and it is a fair criticism. So, I talked about general stuff about myself. It's mostly normal besides the fact I am bipolar I, and a substance addict. Then she steered the conversation to dating/sex/relationships/etc and I would say my dating life throughout my life has been very abnormal. I talked about being willingly celibate but at this point not being sure about that decision. That I get urges and attracted to women and some times varying levels of fantasies. I talked about poker and my life as a refractory salesmen. I think the feelings that are sitting with me are that I am abnormal and what exactly I am avoiding if anything. She also mentioned as I was walking out that she hopes I can find joy in whatever it is that brings me joy. I will continue seeing her. I like that she is challenging and blunt. I really don't know where this is going. I know that I look forward to therapy and then don't really enjoy it while I am there. It is quite intense. That's probably a good thing. I don't know. I just felt like trying a therapy session on my therapy even though probably 0 of you are qualified therapists.
RiKD   United States. Dec 19 2018 16:38. Posts 5438
I really enjoyed the Paterson and David Foster Wallace one about a year ago but I have barely seen any of those films.
RiKD   United States. Dec 19 2018 17:05. Posts 5438
I just watched the Moonlight one. I very well could be in the impotent lover zone.
RiKD   United States. Dec 19 2018 18:07. Posts 5438
"Mankind is doomed to vacillate eternally between the two extremes of distress and boredom." - Arthur Schopenhauer
The last woman I touched who was a co-worker caught me staring into the void and told me to smile more. That I had a great smile and that I should smile more. That made me smile but I told her it's not like I can smile on command or that it would even be agreeable to smile on command. Talking and flirting with her did make me smile more though.
Cool sounds like you're getting something positive from the therapy. Good luck bro
Dude you some social darwinist ideas that they are giving hitlers ghost a boner - Baal
RiKD   United States. Dec 20 2018 19:09. Posts 5438
On December 19 2018 23:06 Loco wrote:
Brilliant curation. milo is great. I thought I was done with rap and hip-hop but I love this. I had to look up some words and references: celerity, alacrity (exceptional words and exceptional usage). I had to look up welzschmerz and Karl Popper. Actually, there was a lot I had to look up through Google and genius.com.
"When suffering was normalized, I flourished in the lag time"
He also moved to one of my favorite areas of the world (Maine coast) and runs a record shop. I will visit that record shop the next time I am there.