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How to Move Forward in Life

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RiKD    United States. Aug 10 2017 19:29. Posts 4226
I got my first paycheck. I will have a little more breathing room with this job. Will it get me an apartment and living on my own? I am not sure. The point is I should be able to save a little bit now and build up a bit of money for a security deposit or two months rent or whatever they want. I literally cut mozzarella cheese for about 5 hours yesterday but is that really that bad? Being on this 2nd shift (3-midnight) could hold me back from moving forward. I basically just wake up and then hang out for a little while before going in, work the shift, and then come home and watch a movie and then go to sleep. I am not going to make friends doing this. I am just existing. The GM mentioned me going on day shift next week and I told him sure. It might be a stepping stone to getting some connections going in my life. Of course, waking up earlier and earlier is always a pain but I think it is something that must be done. What am I attempting to move my life forward towards? I suppose it is all the same things it has always been. My own apartment, friends, dating, a girlfriend. I can't get too caught up in it as I just don't know what the realistic timespan is. I am actually enjoying getting some experience in prepping food and thoughts of being a chef dazzle at times. That has to be a really difficult vocation. It is one thing to be Anthony Bourdain, it is another to be working 14 hour days in a struggling kitchen. One of the things about my job which is kind of unnerving is I never know what I am going to get. I am not that comfortable in the recipes yet and sometimes the demands are just flying around. I can be in the middle of making meatballs which is a pretty time consuming and space consuming endeavor and then all of a sudden out front can come back asking for cucumber, romaine, and grape tomatoes. What can be said? It is part of the job.

One of the first things I think about with extra cash is tattoos. I have been wanting another one for a while. I will just have to find the right person for what I want. I miss not having a tattoo guy in the area.

Perhaps I just have to keep doing what I am doing. At night maybe it is better to read something than to watch a film. I don't always feeling like reading though. Dense philosophy at night after a day of work just sounds undesirable. If the works are too stimulating I just want to stay up all night. I am not always in the mood for a novel but a film just seems to fit the situation right. I do really believe that we can be much better people with some work and some good choices involved. The question is for what? Well, I mean, there is hedonistic pleasure involved and desire fulfillment. The more pleasure I can attain and desires I can fulfill the better this existence will be. There is probably a trap in there somewhere but maybe I will go into a mozzarella cutting reverie and think about that today. Au revoir.

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Joe   Czech Republic. Aug 10 2017 23:10. Posts 5977

Hi, I don't know much about you, but you sound sad.

I think really one of the most important things for happiness is having regular (daily?) contact with people you like: friends, colleagues, family, gfs, ...

If you feel like you lack contact (your post sounds like it a bit), then go out of your comfort zone to incorporate it into your everyday life. Pursue a new collective hobby (a sport, a game, traveling, movie club, ...), signup for a class of something you are interested in etc., simply incorporate things that you are interested in and that will allow you to regularly meet a group of people (in person). Probably some of those people will have similar interests and views as you.

I know I am not saying nothing that you don't know, but maybe it might help to hear it anyway. Or maybe I am way off and you are having a blast reading it, either way is good.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel... (but sometimes the tunnel is long and deep as hell) 

SleepyHead   . Aug 11 2017 01:39. Posts 810

Keep looking for new jobs that would suit you better. Find some cushy office 9-5 with lots of sexy girls working there

Dude you some social darwinist ideas that they are giving hitlers ghost a boner - Baal 

RiKD    United States. Aug 11 2017 05:59. Posts 4226

"How to Move Forward in Life"

It's tough isn't it. Moving forward for me means getting older, decaying just a bit more. I can't move forward with out getting closer to more aches and pains. Not to say there isn't a lot more life in me but it just feels I am not really living it. I always bring up desire fulfillment. I am not sure if desire fulfillment is a good judge of "happiness." Desires in the material are leading no where good. You have people that always dream for the stars and you have people that have virtually 0 expectations. There has got to be a better way to judge "happiness" or "contentment" but there will always be those that are in delusion. The optimism bias runs amok. I really just come on here for entertainment. Post something before I go to work, come home, post something after I go to work. I really do try and formulate my thoughts to "move things forward." I want this life to just be a slice or two better if I can manage it. It sucks to just feel like your stuck and just existing in this bizarre corner of the earth. What if I don't want to watch a movie tonight? Well, what else am I going to do? It's 12:34am in a sleepy town on a Thursday night. 10 days later I am still just a bitter man. 1 year later and the thought of that is just depressing. 1 night and it is seemingly passable. I go to sleep and wake up and am feeling pretty good and then work happens and then I am back here at night with nothing and no one. Ugh, I don't want to do this. I really don't but here I am. I guess I will just put all of my stock in the fact that I am going on days and that that will be better. Which I just checked the schedule and they don't have me on days next week and I am only on there 3 days. This place is kind of fucked up but I think any new restaurant is going to be kind of fucked up.

The real thing I want to get out of this is:

What should we be using to judge "happiness" or "contentment" and does it even matter? We are all just here being. I don't even know if there is a way to judge that although the reason to do so would be to gain insight into what one might think about doing. I have read and discussed all this stuff so much and I am just not that happy or content. It feels like no matter what I do life is bad and I am just hoping for the less bad permutation. I am in poverty with a shitty job. Maybe nothing can overcome that fact besides getting a better job. Maybe it is that simple but it is difficult to find a better job. Fuck my life. I am tired. This is all bullshit. Hopefully, I can at least wake up tomorrow and some of the truths in here will better stick with me or I can find some better truths to help me through this fucking existence.


RiKD    United States. Aug 11 2017 06:05. Posts 4226


  On August 10 2017 22:10 Joe wrote:
Hi, I don't know much about you, but you sound sad.

I think really one of the most important things for happiness is having regular (daily?) contact with people you like: friends, colleagues, family, gfs, ...

If you feel like you lack contact (your post sounds like it a bit), then go out of your comfort zone to incorporate it into your everyday life. Pursue a new collective hobby (a sport, a game, traveling, movie club, ...), signup for a class of something you are interested in etc., simply incorporate things that you are interested in and that will allow you to regularly meet a group of people (in person). Probably some of those people will have similar interests and views as you.

I know I am not saying nothing that you don't know, but maybe it might help to hear it anyway. Or maybe I am way off and you are having a blast reading it, either way is good.



I think I am generally sad. My only contact with people is at work. I am getting to know a fair amount of the people and get on pretty well. One girl commented how sad I looked when I was cutting the mozzarella cheese and I looked sad because I was sad! I do my best to stay upbeat but cutting mozzarella for over 3 hours is just not a fun task.

Your post helps illuminate one of my biggest problems: the second shift (3pm-midnight). I can't do anything on this shift. It is possible to wake up earlier and do stuff before the shift as some things happen around noon but nothing in this town is happening past midnight. I don't drink or do drugs anymore so I am not really out after midnight either so I am just stuck in my home. I fucking regret telling the GM I wanted 2nd shift. Fucking bonehead play.


RiKD    United States. Aug 11 2017 06:07. Posts 4226


  On August 11 2017 00:39 SleepyHead wrote:
Keep looking for new jobs that would suit you better. Find some cushy office 9-5 with lots of sexy girls working there



The problem is I have not done well in office 9-5 in the past. It really limits me. If there really was an office gig with funny, entertaining women there I would give it a shot for sure.


hiems   United States. Aug 11 2017 16:59. Posts 1352

Yea culinary industry seems like a great fit for you. Stick with it imo.


RiKD    United States. Aug 11 2017 19:01. Posts 4226

And this morning I am calm and rather collected. Maybe I am not quite awake yet. I've had some time pass, a hot shower, some coffee. I don't mind the fact that I will be going into work. I like my manager and many of the people who work there. The second shift is problematic to my life though. Last night I cooled down and enjoyed a novel. I want to embark on a project: "A Blueprint So That Life Does Not Suck." It is entirely too ambitious for myself. How many things are general to the population and how many things are specific to the individual? Are there people in poverty who have reached acceptance with their lot in life? I guess where I am at with myself is I have lived years far from poverty. I want those years back. That is really the truth. I want THOSE years back. Of course, I want future years not in poverty as well. A lot of it has to do with the friends situation. I was in poverty for the last 3 years but I had friends. I also was comparing that time to being miserable in the grips of a job and situation not for me that surely encouraged my alcoholism. I felt free with almost nothing. Now I feel like I am in the midst of a grind. It is a fucking grind. Anytime sleep is the favorite part of the day there is a problem. The ramblings of a discontented fellow continue. They say I should be grateful, lower my expectations, deal with my resentments. The problems with gratitude are in many circles it always boils down to being grateful for "God." I am grateful for a solid night's rest in my wonderful bed, my breakfast this morning, my dog, my cats. That really is a great foundation. I am grateful for not experiencing any nagging pains. It may be working. I am feeling a bit better about my lot in life. Surely, I should exercise, hang out with friends and family, and help people when I can. At work I am preparing tasty bites for people. I don't know how that really makes me feel. It is better than stealing or smuggling drugs.

I don't know why I write so much about this stuff. It makes me feel better. Sometimes I can see things more clearly. It gives me something to do. I don't want to be a discontented person. I don't want to be bitter, resentful, or afraid. I fear I will be stuck at this job at this shift for many days. How do I overcome this fear? Ask the GM to work mornings or find another job. A third option could be to somehow find acceptance with the situation.

See if I stop writing I have to find something else to do. Well, here goes.


RiKD    United States. Aug 11 2017 19:01. Posts 4226


  On August 11 2017 15:59 hiems wrote:
Yea culinary industry seems like a great fit for you. Stick with it imo.



Why do you say this?


hiems   United States. Aug 11 2017 20:14. Posts 1352

Well I could go on why I think so but you need to stop overanalyzing and relax so no, lol. Gl.


Nitewin   United States. Aug 12 2017 01:20. Posts 924

I think everybody in general needs to adopt a grateful to be alive attitude. Enjoy the taste of the coffee a little more than others. Take an extra minute in the hot shower and realize there are people who don't have hot showers. Train yourself to be happy with the free things in life, like air. Take in a deep breath and notice the things around you. Not having wealth, status, fame is an excuse to be unhappy. Figure out how to eat for cheap and save what you can. Once you save a sufficient amount, take a vacation! Or read books on how to grow that little sum into a larger sum, which will give you a little freedom. Build on this empire until the day you die and see where the journey takes you! Writing this reminds me that I need to do this more myself so thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

 Last edit: 12/08/2017 01:20

RiKD    United States. Aug 12 2017 19:17. Posts 4226

This morning I lay in bed for 2 hours as my snooze alarm went off every 10 min. What kind of maniac does that? I don't really mind taking care of my pets but the laborious nature of brushing my teeth. I hate showers until I get in and start feeling a little better. The exact nature of putting on deodorant and clothes is a bore. Then I have seemingly one of the joys of the day. Pastry and coffee. This always cheers me up. Then it is outside to water the plants. The tomatoes aren't looking so good. Then I have some downtime which I use to typically write on LP. The caffeine starts kicking in and I am feeling good about the day. I even feel great driving in to work listening to good music. Typically I will have a song in my head and then I go right to that song for the dopamine boost. Otherwise the Rolling Stones or Radiohead are probably my default. At work there are some people that make me laugh. How great it is to laugh. I may derive some joy if I am particularly adept at a certain recipe or part of a recipe. It feels good to cross off a task on the white board. That's it pretty much. I always end up taking out more trash than I would like to but that is because I am tall and male and most people in the place are short and female. Off course that mundane routine shows itself again when it is time for cleaning, sweeping, and mopping. I always enjoy the drive home listening to Bebel Gilberto or Royksopp or Al Green. Food is always a problem unless I have left overs. Who wants to grocery shop and cook past midnight after a long day of work? I have to do something. Eating cereal for dinner makes me sad. One thing I have realized is that if I have something scheduled in I will rebel and become unhappy. If the "schedule" is "x" movie at 1:30am I will not want to watch the movie and then just sit in a swamp of hate. If it is 1:30am and I spontaneously desire to watch a movie or read a novel then the adventure begins.


hoylemj   United States. Aug 13 2017 01:30. Posts 840

I think that making friends, connections, getting a girlfriend, etc - all those social goals are important but I believe that they should not be rushed and you should not feel like you have to have them at the moment. Obviously they enrich one's quality of life but I believe that basic happiness has to be achieved first - basic just meaning reaching those standard personal goals you have set for yourself - goals that don't involve anyone else. Making an income...improving job situation...getting an apartment. All those are actually social goals as well and I think they should be your main focus and all your work and energy should go into them and then, after they are established and you continue to improve them, then the other things will start to fall into place more easily (not only that but you will likely then make better social connections). Would be a good idea to spend free time on learning something or more specifically something in your current field, Ofc we all need entertainment as well and ofc all of this depends on one's personality type. Just my ideas based on your initial post..have not read thru the thread yet.

Sounds like you've read a lot of existential type of stuff

 Last edit: 13/08/2017 01:37

RiKD    United States. Aug 13 2017 07:27. Posts 4226

This whole move forward thing. I am just happy to be not drinking and that my moods are stable. I have been doing a lot of cooking recently... well, not a lot but I think a bit more due to my prep cook job. It is like I am inspired to make myself some better food than just sandwiches I can get at a grocery store. I used to love drinking and cooking. Open a nice bottle of wine and have a few glasses while I am cooking and tasting. Maybe open another bottle with dinner. I need a swig with each bite. Some cognac with some gelato for dessert and just continuing on with the cognac until I pass out. Sometimes I miss that ease and comfort. Unfortunately it is no longer there for me. I have to face life sober and square on.

At least I am clocked out for a couple of days. I think about quitting everyday I am there. It's a fucking mess. I overheard the kitchen manager talking about leaving. The kitchen manager I like and is part of the reason I have not quit. I just come home and try to unwind and hope the next day will be better. That is part of where I am at with all of this. Sometimes I just need to slow down. I am not going to get everything done on the task list in 1 hour. I left about 3 things on there tonight because there was just nothing that could have been done. I am prepping as best as I can. Part of this is the post above me. It is true I am not going to get all this social stuff overnight. It still doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little bit that those things are not in my life today. Instead of going to a diner and blowing off some steam with some friends I have to come home and just be inside my house. What is there to do in my house? There are some things and that is what I am resigned to every night. It gets old but that is my place in the here and now.

I just had some Haagen Daz ice cream that was incredible. Salted caramel and truffle. That pleasure maybe lasted a few minutes. My feet are still aching from today's work. That is what I am talking about with the unfairness in pain versus pleasure. I could really go for a ton of opiates about now. That whole pill racket is really sad but I get it.

I just remembered I had my cat locked up because he will scarf down his food and then run and scarf down all of the other cat's food. I walked by some pictures of me when I was younger and I couldn't help but be caught by how relaxed and happy I seem. That is how I remember it too. Just very happy and relaxed. Now, it just seems I am beaten down and sad. I need a therapist bad. A therapist and a good (AA) sponsor. Yeah, that really is part of it. I think my insurance is finally up to date so I can hopefully start with a therapist next month. Sponsors are trickier. I haven't really found someone that I would want. I am probably a little picky since I have my original sponsor back in Pittsburgh, PA who is just a call away. It would probably be ideal to set something up here though because I can really see it as lacking in my life or maybe not. I need something because it sucks to be this discontented with my existence. At least I can sleep in tomorrow and be on my time. That might help. At the moment I only work 24 hours next week and I don't even care.


RiKD    United States. Aug 13 2017 22:25. Posts 4226

I came to the realization that I have a fantasy lurking in my brain. I want to fuck a 19 year old co-worker. I think the sullyness of it adds to the allure. Sullyness is not a word but it should be so I am using it. What do we do with these lurking fantasies? I guess we just let them sit there and hopefully not fester. It's all these desires. I satisfy one and get agitated by another. Material desires are probably the worst for this but maybe I am exaggerating. I bought a really nice bed and I didn't want another bed. I bought a really nice couch and I didn't want another couch. I bought a really nice laptop and I have had it for 8 years with no desire of getting a new one. I bought my handful of black t-shirts and do not wish to be wearing anything else. Except for summer weddings where I wish to be wearing an Indian kurta. Of course, I want a super car out in the country somewhere or a track but that is so unrealistic at this point it does not really bother me. My old Subaru Forester does just find getting me from point A to point B. I don't want to make it seem like I should just fuck this 19 year old and then my desires will be settled. I don't think it carries over to that realm. There are just too many beautiful women on this earth. I still want to fuck them all. It is an understandable desire but now at least I have a little more grounds for what is realistic. What is a realistic expectation? A lot of women in their 20s are quite immature and kind of difficult to deal with. Actually, not really if I just understand what they are doing and not give a fuck. There is something about a late teen to early 20 something that they just have a certain magic. It is like the conscious and the subconscious urges the body knowing their body is at its peak. As far as being interesting and self assured the women in their 30s have most women in their 20s beat. It's understandable. There is more honesty. I am drawn to both really. Women in their 40s come with even more self assurance and honesty. I have been blown away by that in the past. I was the silly, entertaining 20 something boy toy being played with by a real cougar. I am not going to fuck any 19 year old co-workers. They just have some growing up to do. There are too many women out there to mess around in those sort of affairs. I prefer the cougar relationships. I still long for a relatively normal relationship. I have a long way to go but I am ok with slowing down the pace a little bit and just trying to enjoy life. Many times it is just going to have to be the little things. Like a walk on the beach with the dog. That's my current relationship. Just me and my dog. I think at times I just need to talk about my (lack of a) dating life so I can figure some things out or just to get it out of the system.

Desires I think is expressed well on this NIN song starting at 4:20. I would suggest just listening to the whole song though. It has been a song that I relate to my whole life.



Then I was listening to OK Computer as I was driving home from work and cooking and this struck me as I started eating. Just the whole vibe and the message "Hey man, slow down, slow down, Idiot slow down, slow down" is exactly what I needed after trying to do everything at work and speeding home. I had a nice Italian meal all set up and there is no sense mindlessly gobbling down tortellinis 2 and 3 at a time. It is a metaphor for life. There is a famous restaurant in Italy that makes a famous tortellini. They make 6 tortellini in a line with some sauce on the side so everyone is forced to savor each tortellini. I like that way of living. It is not always easy to find in the US. "The Tourist" takes me to that place where much comes into perspective.



I am definitely born in 1984. Next songs will be Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins.

When I enter a reverie writing or dazing off to the Monet above my laptop it is all the same. I must go to Giverny some day. A stroll through Monet's garden. There is a museum in Paris that I am in love with. La Orangerie. All impressionist painters with a Rodin's "The Kiss" out front. They custom made the building to accommodate Monet's large scale paintings. I could just be there for an hour or more just taking it all in. The Luvre is almost too much. I only really enjoyed Michaelangelo's sculptures. I drove someone for Uber from Paris and he was saying you have to just spent random bits of time in each area. He was a student at the time and got in free. Oh, to be a student in Paris. Stroll through the Luvre gardens and pop in for a mini-adventure.

I really think I need to develop more of a French and Danish outlook on life. It may be difficult to do living in the US but I am sure it could be done. As long as I am paying my bills what is wrong with working 30 hours in a week? What is wrong with taking time off for vacation? I just have to make sure that my time off the clock is worthwhile. I don't want any part of any rat races.

It was fun folks. Au revoir.


RiKD    United States. Aug 13 2017 22:34. Posts 4226

Anyone ever leave kind of a weird voice message and it is just like "Awww man, that was kind of a weird one"? Nothing really to worry about too much it was not a disaster but if I make a habit of leaving voicemails like that I don't want to be some weird guy that leaves weird voice messages. Oh well, life goes on. A life full of weird voice messages and awkward encounters. Maybe Sartre was right that "hell is other people." I need some fresh air.


RiKD    United States. Aug 14 2017 20:02. Posts 4226

Today is the anniversary of my friend Steve dying from a heroin overdose. He just could never seem to get it. Heck of a good guy when he was sober he turned devilish when he was using drugs and experiencing the sickness associated with that. The last time I saw him we had some deep conversation and he offered to fix my broken headlight. There was always promise but maybe AA just was not for him. He could never reconcile the whole god thing and I don't blame him. It sucks to go through life discontented but I think much of us do. There is a certain next level of discontentedness and proclivity to anesthetize that leads to a drug or a drinking problem. I think it is fair to say a lack of connection is one of the leading causes. I have been kind of feeling that discontentment lately and that disconnection and I don't think it is about needing to buck up or anything like that. What I need is strategic changes. They are already somewhat clear and I have already made them clear. Work the day shift, exercise, take some classes in something whether it is French or painting or cooking, put myself out there because I never know what kind of connection can be made. I was speaking to a friend yesterday about that. He moved to Oregon and knew no one there and went to a solar energy seminar and met one of his best friends and the guy that got him a job for 3 years and helped him get into architectural school. If I am really unhappy and even borderline miserable I have to change some things. That is the only way to get out of a rut. I don't like the idea of getting used to misery.

Heroin must be one hell of a drug. I never tried it. In some ways I regret that although I can imagine the hell heroin use opens up. I can always still try it if that's what I really want to do. Right now that sounds like a really bad idea. I would rather go for a walk on the beach, hang out with the free thinker group, and have a nice dinner with my parents. I complain a lot about not having connections but my Mondays are pretty good. I really had a nice phone conversation yesterday too. Sprinkle in some more of those, start meeting some more people, and exercise and maybe I can stave off the discontentedness.


Loco   Canada. Aug 24 2017 11:25. Posts 18843

I've been thinking of how to move forward in life a lot lately. Every time I think "what should I be doing with my life?" I seem to come up empty. Brick wall. I have so many aversions, and the idea of joining the world -- a world I detest -- in order to accomplish some project or slave away repulses me. But, I have come to realize the reason it's not going anywhere is because I was thinking of what to do with my life, and not of who I want to be. And this seems to be the most important thing. If I focus on who I want to be -- truly focus -- without distracting myself, I think I can have faith in the process itself to help me find what I am going to be doing. It's going to happen on its own. One thing's for sure, if I stay the same, my world will stay the same, my opportunities will stay the same.


Kafka said that evil is whatever distracts. I believe that there's truly no excuse for distraction. So, there's more to an 'enlightened agenda' than the focus on suffering and wanting to prevent it and reduce it, even though this can be included within it. Distractions and certainties are enormous enemies, right up there with unnecessary suffering. It's easy to understand why or how we are distracted, and how it will take time to fix itself, but it can be done, no doubt about it. So, that's the task, if you ask me, and virtually everything else is noise. Peterson is at least right about that: the idea of cleaning your room, controlling your immediate environment wherever you can so as to facilitate learning, leisure, the becoming of the person you wish to be.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Aug 25 2017 17:34. Posts 4226

Certainties?


RiKD    United States. Aug 25 2017 23:39. Posts 4226

What exactly do you mean by distractions too?


 
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