A lot of my life is negotiating with the word enough. What is enough? I have trouble with enough.
I just float around the meetings helping people if I can and meeting people if I can. Sometimes I can help someone and time keeps on slipping into the future. We go out for burgers on Monday nights and that is a good time. I met a vegan today. It was funny how the guys are all trying to be masculine and talk about meat eating. She brought up that she is making a vegan sweet potato casserole with sweet potatoes from her mother's garden and I thought that sounded INCREDIBLE. All the other guys were ripping on it and saying it sounds gross. I don't have a crush on her but she is a pretty cool chick. That is the thing though we have a good 2 hours and time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the future. I watch some Bojack Horseman and become one and time keeps on slipping. Now, I get some words down and later maybe I read some "Money" by Martin Amis. All great ways to spend some time. Before I know it I will be back at the restaurant prepping food. Cutting 2 cases of mozzarella pays for about a third tank of gas. Making some meatballs pays for 2 weeks of Monday night dinners and fun. Cutting grape tomatoes pays for a week's worth of meeting donations. That is how I have to think about it. I really should be doing a better job of seeing what is out there. I am not better than what I am doing but there is better out there that I can be doing.
That really may be the best I get. Helping someone, dinner with friends, Bojack Horseman, "Money" by Martin Amis. I used to experience euphoria. It was so so fleeting. Maybe I get 20 speed and vodkas deep and catch the peak of a great joint and "Adagio for Strings" comes on at a massive Tiesto concert. Doing goood ecstasy for the first time at a bomb ass rave. Those are just some that come to mind. The high can last a while but then it's over. Life hangovers. At some point I am going to need a better job if... if... I need this because.... I need this or else.... What the fuck? What do we really need really?
I just negotiated moving to the morning shift today so we will see how that goes. Seems to make sense. I free up a bunch of time in the evenings when there is more to do. We will see.
The beard is gone. It feels good. I was caught for a bit by that consumerist spectre. Something new, something different, something cool. I had special beard wash, I had a special comb that I was combing it every day with, and I was putting special oils in it just so I could be cool and masculine and special. Beards start getting to be unruly. The barber messed it up a bit. I am cool with about 10 day growth and just managing that once a week.
I am growing my hair out so we'll see if the consumerist spectre catches me once again. There are always reasons to buy consumer goods. Many times they are a case of seduction and may not be that great of reasons. Mimetic desire is a concept I have found to be true. I remember back in the day everyone wanted "The Rachel" or some version of Jennifer Anniston's hair and while most guys will deny it they are acting under the same principle. They may not bring a bunch of pictures in that they found online like so many girls I knew did but they are functioning under the same mimetic desire it is just more subdued, not as out in the open.
United States. Nov 21 2017 06:10. Posts 8533
