It's the new year. I got 1 strength training session in. I am not relatively strong but I gave it hell. I've mostly been playing Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II Campaign recently. Really gets the Transcendence and flow going. I'm turning into some bro. CoD and Swole bro. It makes me think about things though. I am vicariously trying to be this special forces person. The mission when I was virtually a drone and airstrike guy I started tearing people up with the 25mm and 40mm ammo and dropping missiles on gas stations and schools and had fun doing it. I think this is why the Army recruiters were selling me that I could come down to the recruiting center and play CoD with the boys whenever I wanted. I wonder how much involvement the military has in the making of these games.
That's something to live for. Not dying in war.
I have to say I feel pretty good after my first training sesh. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I just have to make it a habit because it's just so incredibly good for mental health and confidence.
It's one piece of being a Viking in real life unlike Valheim where I am a keyboard and mouse warrior...
I am sitting here alone listening to the blues and posting on LP. I could say something like I would not rather be anywhere else but obviously that is silly. Certainly, around this time is a time for reflection and a time for strategizing. My New Year's Resolution is Talk is Cheap Mother Fucker! Progress is the only thing that matters.
I feel that it is time to abandon the Looks or Game Part II blog / thread. I am just gaming nowadays anyways. I am gaming a lot. Probably, Valheim, Hades, Slay the Spire, Ori and the Will of the Wisps, Tetris, Elden Ring, Red Dead Redemption, World of Warcraft, Diablo II... in that order. That seems like kind of a lot of stuff to be playing. I am playing my guitar too. Un-rustifying myself. I think my teacher was surprised where I was at last week since I said I kind of fell off over the holidays. But, it turns out just practicing the fundamentals for a while is good practice and I hit it a bit harder these last 2 weeks. I am currently playing Heavy Soul by The Black Keys.
That's it I guess. Work is going fine. I run into problems when I want something more than just gaming but I can typically blot out the consciousness with the selection of games I have going. I don't know if it's that much different from getting stoned or blasted on wine and cognac or whiskey. Except my liver is thankful. If gaming is what I need to do to stay clean / sober and not lose my mind I'm not too concerned by it. Kind of similar to these blog posts.
It's kind of crazy how Christmas snuck up on me this year. It seems like just yesterday I was starting out at this job which is almost a year ago. Before we know it it will be the New Year and time for more reflection. No partying for me this year and I am not even going to try. Just some peace and quiet finally. Imagine if I put myself up to some challenges in real life as I do in the video games?
"All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Spinoza
As always, what you are looking for is connection. I highly doubt that coding is the path to follow to get that. The people who follow that path probably already have that in their lives, had already heavily invested in this path earlier in life, or don't really need it (autistic, schizoid). Focus on meeting your needs the best you can now, not with the long-shots of things that could afford you with more financial independence down the (long) road.
An intimate connection, yeah. Seeing someone for who they are and being seen by someone for who you are. Being accepted and validated. Physical touch and sex are not necessarily intimate. The only thing that has kept me going was the possibility of finding this connection, and the idea of preparing myself for it. It's difficult to put yourself out there, make yourself available and deal with rejection, but it has to be done at some point if you don't want to keep running on empty forever. You need it more than the money and whatever else there is.
I can not dispute these claims.
I don't know if I actually need a looks or game thread but I find myself pretty bored.
I don't have a whole lot in the looks department besides being tall. I don't think I am being delusional when I say I can dress well. Game. I don't think I am a silver tongued hero sober. I am pretty shy and reserved yet funny. Anyways, I know that all of that matters but it really boils down to finding some social sphere I can feel comfortable with and stand out in. That is the opportunity. That is the problem. Probably the biggest thing that hinders me is that I live at home with my parents. Not impossible to make friends but not near ideal for dating prospects. I could also forego having friends at all and pay sex workers to talk to me.
I feel like a blog. I have been pretty good about NOT blogging so far on vacation but my brother is playing World of Warcraft where I am sleeping so sleep is not a great option. I decided since I actually have some time and energy I am going to read The Phenomenology of Spirit by G.F.W. Hegel. I doubt I'll get through it all in time but maybe I will. That is a difficult one to try and read at night after a long day of work when the willpower, focus, energy is gone. It's not so bad when I am just lounging during the day when all my family members are at work. I have mostly been lounging. It's a great life until the money runs out. Playing guitar, reading Hegel, going for walks in the deep forest, these are all great ways for me to spend time, energy, focus. I started coding again too but that has been tepid. Well, worse than tepid. I forgot how to link the directory of .py files to my power shell/terminal so I can run them. It's exercise 0 and it does not tell me how to do this.
Of course, it is nice not having to slave away for 40 hours in a week. When I go back I am scheduled for 6 days in a row which is pretty bad. Sometimes it feels like I am squandering my vacation a bit with how chill it has been but thankfully I have not been thinking about that too much because it honestly does not matter. Whether I am busy or not does not matter. It feels like this vacation is more than rest to perform better at work but simply rest, idleness, etc. for the sake of leisure. How I wish most of my time were. It seems to take 2 or 3 days to get in that zone with the knowledge that there will be a week or more of similar time.
My siblings all have their own lives in this city with their respective jobs and small children. It's nice seeing them but there is no great connection really. They are all busy with performance at their jobs and attempting to raise small children. That is no small feat. I am mostly quiet by nature. I wish not to engage in chatter. I think my siblings understand this which is a good thing. It's just tough. I already said it but they are at work or tending to small children. I am 3rd fiddle.
It's all good though. It's all good. It's really not but it really is ok. Ok. It's fine. I don't expect to be doing all this grand stuff or have amazing interactions all the time. The coding thing really kind of irks me though. I don't even remember how to do exercise 0 and it holds me up from doing all the other ones which I know how to do I just have to go through them again.
I am taking a longer walk through a deeper forest tomorrow which makes me happy. I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock or take a shower right away. Little things like that make me incredibly happy. I think I am going to grow out my hair again.
It's kind of weird actually during the work week. I don't see any of my siblings until they are tired and worn out for a little bit after work then they have to take care of their kids so I have really had to be independent on this vacation. At least I was ready for it.
I have a cat named Pico. He is a little feisty guy. A runt of a litter. 1 of 30 cats and 30 dogs. Little Pico had to fend for his life eating any scraps he could find. The assholes burned the house down. Lucky little Pico was found. Then we found him. He has the most beautiful green eyes. We quickly found out if any food was left out it would be eaten. The only thing he will not eat is grapes and almonds and that is about it.
I was feeling particularly empty today. I slept most of the day and did chores/errands that absolutely had to be done. The only thing of note was starting to learn how to play slide guitar which is pretty fun. I think my problem is I have too much hunger for fulfillment. I am a fulfillment junky. My life is in such a state that fulfillment is not easy or I am expecting fulfillment to be easy when sometimes it is easy but probably most times it is not. Masturbating to pornography is fulfilling in the sense that it is pleasurable especially at orgasm but pornography is rather vulgar. The old saying goes that masturbation is great if you want masturbation but largely lacking if you want something more.
I enjoy the little things in life. I like a good trance. Pink skies. There are plenty of things to like that surprise and are easy. There are plenty of things in life that are difficult yet rewarding. I don't feel that I get much fulfillment at work. It's just a never ending cycle. There is another promotion available at work and that has been stressing me out. It would be a lot of work on the cash register and taking manager calls. I think the register and taking calls are two things I don't want to do.
I look around and try to find things that are looking up in my life but it's hard for me to find them. I could just be a bit depressed. The mind can play tricks. It's like do I really want to do the whole show of showing up to some AA meetings and going out afterwards only to retreat to my room once again? Disappearing from the scene once again. You would think after like 5 years of that I would have figured something out. The only thing I can figure out now is to play the guitar like I don't have another day to live and compose music in whatever place I may be at the time.
Shout out to PoorUser for the Hollow Knight suggestion. Thank you. I have been playing it and it is fun, dreamlike, and ethereal in a way.
My local grocery store is carrying AdBusters which I thought was hilarious and awesome so I had to pick up a copy. Then I was reading through it and it touches on some salient points but I remembered there was a reason I stopped getting it. I don't think I like Kalle Lasn. He is a bit much. Doesn't mean other contributions aren't good.
At this point I think I am just looking forward to my vacation. It's probably a mistake. There are a lot of hours in between now and then. Music, vidya, sleep can really take up quite a bit of time. I'm sleeping too damn much but it's so damn cozy.
That is the name of the last song or sound trip I made. It's not hopeless but I need to get a lot better to reach Burial or Aphex-Twin status (getting that good probably is hopeless). I want to learn how to create my own sounds. Then, arrange those sounds into something I like. I shouldn't really concern myself with what others are doing anyways and just do my own thing but right now my own thing is a mashup of sounds that is sometimes cool and other times not. Oh well, it's something to do anyway. I still have my guitar. I am learning a new scale this week which isn't too hard to learn at all but internalizing it and playing it with my eyes closed is a different matter! It's interesting the contrast between digital music and a guitar. It's kind of cool to create the chord shapes and make sure my fingers are in the right positions and also that I am striking the string optimally as well. But, it's also amazing the power of the DAW and how many sounds are out there and how many more there are by fucking with stuff.
I wish I had something sensational to write to maybe lively up LP a little bit. Give us some entertainment. Bad entertainment. The fact is my life is not very sensational whatsoever. I drink tea. I contemplate. I listen to Boris Brejcha.
The expanse of space creeps into my spirit and dissipates until a new tide rolls in. I want to burn like the rave at xx/yy/2008. Will you burn with me?
Synthetic spirit. I am looking for the real thing. Paralyzed by the emptiness a tear rolls down my cheek. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. The ghosts they are a calling. Fill me up and give me a little piece of your spirit please. It is a séance here tonight. A session of sitting. The ghosts they will call.
You know to get personal I am still seeing Luna and we are still just friends united by our love for Indian food and collapse. Not that we love collapse. It is just rare to find people that understand and can laugh about it and maybe cry about it and get good Indian food in the midst of it all. Maybe sometimes it is simply about some simple pleasures. The world is crumbling around us and there is likely nothing we can do. I don't have heaven to hope for. What do I do?
Luna always tells me to find myself spiritually. Center myself spiritually. And prepare. Prepare for the Kingdom of God. I believe something of the sort if I did that the Kingdom of God is within me. That is Tolstoy rubbing off on me. I do believe something of the sort though. Peace with the imperfect present. We would all do much better if we could find peace within the imperfect present.
I suppose it is probably also for the best of us to reduce screens. For LP to diminish and disappear. HA, these are becoming my private journals now.
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