I've been alright. I'm up to doing all of the duties of a proper manager and the pressure is on. I found myself immersed in an online shopping binge today / tonight. Feels like I'm backsliding a bit and it also feels like I've left no where to turn. AA is an accepting bunch though which is a good thing. The online shopping bender could also be a symptom that I am going a bit manic. Tough to tell at this stage. I really didn't want to be posting on here tbh but it is a last resort. Am I lacking spiritually? Whatever that means? I took a nice walk on the beach today and felt the breeze and watched the birds. I got in a lift. I went mental shopping online. If I had more going on I don't think I go quite as mental. As always I need connection / intimacy. Do I need a pink velvet double breasted blazer? Is that going to fill up the hole in my soul? Well, probably not.
The way out is through. When Trent Reznor's grandmom who raised him died he was shattered, depressed, stricken with writer's block. He realized the way out is through.
I recently got promoted to a manager position at the ole job. I realized today I should probably read something about management and leadership. There is a bit of a testing out period to see what I am going to be like. Today, everyone worked pretty hard and we got a lot done. In a way though I am not some high level executive at Google. I am a middle manager in retail. Something I NEVER ever thought I would be. I was avoiding it like the plague. The thing is I know most of the jobs are tedious. I've done them all to some degree in the whole store. One thing I think I can offer is some semblance of autonomy. To a degree I can offer mastery but who really gives a shit about master stocking and re-stocking product? I can't really offer them some purpose either. It's some place to be. It's typically not that bad but yeah the work is tedious and banal. We are just trying to sell more product so the CEO and shareholders are happy. I guess my job is to motivate and influence people to feel better about working.
I feel like some books would help me. It's a tricky one. I googled "Best management and leadership" books and the first one is from lifehack.com. Top 20 books in an article written by some self-anointed entrepreneur that... basically, who is this guy? I try Reddit. It's just a lot of noise and information travelling FAST. I just want one book that I can read pretty quickly to see what these people are saying. Hopefully, this book also cites other books that perhaps are worthwhile.
Does anyone have a book suggestion or if you have any management / leadership experience what are your 2c?
It's the new year. I got 1 strength training session in. I am not relatively strong but I gave it hell. I've mostly been playing Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II Campaign recently. Really gets the Transcendence and flow going. I'm turning into some bro. CoD and Swole bro. It makes me think about things though. I am vicariously trying to be this special forces person. The mission when I was virtually a drone and airstrike guy I started tearing people up with the 25mm and 40mm ammo and dropping missiles on gas stations and schools and had fun doing it. I think this is why the Army recruiters were selling me that I could come down to the recruiting center and play CoD with the boys whenever I wanted. I wonder how much involvement the military has in the making of these games.
That's something to live for. Not dying in war.
I have to say I feel pretty good after my first training sesh. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I just have to make it a habit because it's just so incredibly good for mental health and confidence.
It's one piece of being a Viking in real life unlike Valheim where I am a keyboard and mouse warrior...
I am sitting here alone listening to the blues and posting on LP. I could say something like I would not rather be anywhere else but obviously that is silly. Certainly, around this time is a time for reflection and a time for strategizing. My New Year's Resolution is Talk is Cheap Mother Fucker! Progress is the only thing that matters.
I feel that it is time to abandon the Looks or Game Part II blog / thread. I am just gaming nowadays anyways. I am gaming a lot. Probably, Valheim, Hades, Slay the Spire, Ori and the Will of the Wisps, Tetris, Elden Ring, Red Dead Redemption, World of Warcraft, Diablo II... in that order. That seems like kind of a lot of stuff to be playing. I am playing my guitar too. Un-rustifying myself. I think my teacher was surprised where I was at last week since I said I kind of fell off over the holidays. But, it turns out just practicing the fundamentals for a while is good practice and I hit it a bit harder these last 2 weeks. I am currently playing Heavy Soul by The Black Keys.
That's it I guess. Work is going fine. I run into problems when I want something more than just gaming but I can typically blot out the consciousness with the selection of games I have going. I don't know if it's that much different from getting stoned or blasted on wine and cognac or whiskey. Except my liver is thankful. If gaming is what I need to do to stay clean / sober and not lose my mind I'm not too concerned by it. Kind of similar to these blog posts.
It's kind of crazy how Christmas snuck up on me this year. It seems like just yesterday I was starting out at this job which is almost a year ago. Before we know it it will be the New Year and time for more reflection. No partying for me this year and I am not even going to try. Just some peace and quiet finally. Imagine if I put myself up to some challenges in real life as I do in the video games?
"All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Spinoza
As always, what you are looking for is connection. I highly doubt that coding is the path to follow to get that. The people who follow that path probably already have that in their lives, had already heavily invested in this path earlier in life, or don't really need it (autistic, schizoid). Focus on meeting your needs the best you can now, not with the long-shots of things that could afford you with more financial independence down the (long) road.
An intimate connection, yeah. Seeing someone for who they are and being seen by someone for who you are. Being accepted and validated. Physical touch and sex are not necessarily intimate. The only thing that has kept me going was the possibility of finding this connection, and the idea of preparing myself for it. It's difficult to put yourself out there, make yourself available and deal with rejection, but it has to be done at some point if you don't want to keep running on empty forever. You need it more than the money and whatever else there is.
I can not dispute these claims.
I don't know if I actually need a looks or game thread but I find myself pretty bored.
I don't have a whole lot in the looks department besides being tall. I don't think I am being delusional when I say I can dress well. Game. I don't think I am a silver tongued hero sober. I am pretty shy and reserved yet funny. Anyways, I know that all of that matters but it really boils down to finding some social sphere I can feel comfortable with and stand out in. That is the opportunity. That is the problem. Probably the biggest thing that hinders me is that I live at home with my parents. Not impossible to make friends but not near ideal for dating prospects. I could also forego having friends at all and pay sex workers to talk to me.
I feel like a blog. I have been pretty good about NOT blogging so far on vacation but my brother is playing World of Warcraft where I am sleeping so sleep is not a great option. I decided since I actually have some time and energy I am going to read The Phenomenology of Spirit by G.F.W. Hegel. I doubt I'll get through it all in time but maybe I will. That is a difficult one to try and read at night after a long day of work when the willpower, focus, energy is gone. It's not so bad when I am just lounging during the day when all my family members are at work. I have mostly been lounging. It's a great life until the money runs out. Playing guitar, reading Hegel, going for walks in the deep forest, these are all great ways for me to spend time, energy, focus. I started coding again too but that has been tepid. Well, worse than tepid. I forgot how to link the directory of .py files to my power shell/terminal so I can run them. It's exercise 0 and it does not tell me how to do this.
Of course, it is nice not having to slave away for 40 hours in a week. When I go back I am scheduled for 6 days in a row which is pretty bad. Sometimes it feels like I am squandering my vacation a bit with how chill it has been but thankfully I have not been thinking about that too much because it honestly does not matter. Whether I am busy or not does not matter. It feels like this vacation is more than rest to perform better at work but simply rest, idleness, etc. for the sake of leisure. How I wish most of my time were. It seems to take 2 or 3 days to get in that zone with the knowledge that there will be a week or more of similar time.
My siblings all have their own lives in this city with their respective jobs and small children. It's nice seeing them but there is no great connection really. They are all busy with performance at their jobs and attempting to raise small children. That is no small feat. I am mostly quiet by nature. I wish not to engage in chatter. I think my siblings understand this which is a good thing. It's just tough. I already said it but they are at work or tending to small children. I am 3rd fiddle.
It's all good though. It's all good. It's really not but it really is ok. Ok. It's fine. I don't expect to be doing all this grand stuff or have amazing interactions all the time. The coding thing really kind of irks me though. I don't even remember how to do exercise 0 and it holds me up from doing all the other ones which I know how to do I just have to go through them again.
I am taking a longer walk through a deeper forest tomorrow which makes me happy. I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock or take a shower right away. Little things like that make me incredibly happy. I think I am going to grow out my hair again.
It's kind of weird actually during the work week. I don't see any of my siblings until they are tired and worn out for a little bit after work then they have to take care of their kids so I have really had to be independent on this vacation. At least I was ready for it.
I have a cat named Pico. He is a little feisty guy. A runt of a litter. 1 of 30 cats and 30 dogs. Little Pico had to fend for his life eating any scraps he could find. The assholes burned the house down. Lucky little Pico was found. Then we found him. He has the most beautiful green eyes. We quickly found out if any food was left out it would be eaten. The only thing he will not eat is grapes and almonds and that is about it.
I was feeling particularly empty today. I slept most of the day and did chores/errands that absolutely had to be done. The only thing of note was starting to learn how to play slide guitar which is pretty fun. I think my problem is I have too much hunger for fulfillment. I am a fulfillment junky. My life is in such a state that fulfillment is not easy or I am expecting fulfillment to be easy when sometimes it is easy but probably most times it is not. Masturbating to pornography is fulfilling in the sense that it is pleasurable especially at orgasm but pornography is rather vulgar. The old saying goes that masturbation is great if you want masturbation but largely lacking if you want something more.
I enjoy the little things in life. I like a good trance. Pink skies. There are plenty of things to like that surprise and are easy. There are plenty of things in life that are difficult yet rewarding. I don't feel that I get much fulfillment at work. It's just a never ending cycle. There is another promotion available at work and that has been stressing me out. It would be a lot of work on the cash register and taking manager calls. I think the register and taking calls are two things I don't want to do.
I look around and try to find things that are looking up in my life but it's hard for me to find them. I could just be a bit depressed. The mind can play tricks. It's like do I really want to do the whole show of showing up to some AA meetings and going out afterwards only to retreat to my room once again? Disappearing from the scene once again. You would think after like 5 years of that I would have figured something out. The only thing I can figure out now is to play the guitar like I don't have another day to live and compose music in whatever place I may be at the time.
Shout out to PoorUser for the Hollow Knight suggestion. Thank you. I have been playing it and it is fun, dreamlike, and ethereal in a way.
My local grocery store is carrying AdBusters which I thought was hilarious and awesome so I had to pick up a copy. Then I was reading through it and it touches on some salient points but I remembered there was a reason I stopped getting it. I don't think I like Kalle Lasn. He is a bit much. Doesn't mean other contributions aren't good.
At this point I think I am just looking forward to my vacation. It's probably a mistake. There are a lot of hours in between now and then. Music, vidya, sleep can really take up quite a bit of time. I'm sleeping too damn much but it's so damn cozy.
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