I can't really tell you how I "made it" in the material world. I thought I had on multiple occasions but I was so so wrong.
My mental breakdowns were breakthroughs. Capitalism and corporations sent me through the levels of hell. I was talking to a friend last night who has the same bipolar as me and is also alcoholic. He talked about the lightest light is next to the darkest dark and vice versa. My friend is a painter. He got that idea from Caravaggio:
You can see the use of the darkness and light. But, I guess talking about bipolar isn't relevant to most but I think that quote still stands true. The lightest light is next to the darkest dark. The darkest dark is next to the lightest light.
Bachuss!
Supper at Emmaus:
Giorgio Morandi. The simplicity, subtlety, and color palette enraptures me:
Giorgio De Cherico:
Phillip Guston:
William Turner:
I am a curator of art! It brought me transcendence. Hopefully, it brings some transcendence for ya'll.
I am going to talk about bivalves and beans again. Imagine a world where bivalves and beans are subsidized instead of torturing and murdering a countless number of cows, chickens, and pigs? (56 billion/yr)
I am talking about the future. I am concerned about the future. I am in the NOW.
I'll take you guys on a modified trip to L'Orangerie in Paris.
The Kiss:
Monet:
Renoir (I have this hanging up in my room):
Picasso:
Mary Cassat (this is hanging downstairs):
I have a Monet, Basquiat, and Renoir hanging in my room (not originals obv) I also have an uncut deck of cards hanging up. Now, it feels like I am just practicing mindfulness looking around my room and identifying what is hanging up.
Maybe only people with hyper open-mindedness like me will appreciate the artwork. I could be happy for days and days reading and discussing philosophy and art. Chomsky bores me sometimes but "Profit over People" is a great little book. I get real fired up when he starts talking about what happened in all those Latin American countries, including Mexico. It is pretty clear that the system is set up to benefit the rich elite. To allow the rich elite to acquire more profit and power. To fool the middle class. To take advantage of their selfish desires. Utility wise there is not that much difference for the individual between $63,000 and $70,000, $90,000 and $100,000, $450,000 and $500,000, $9 billion and $10 billion but collectively that money could make MASSIVE differences for the people suffering the most.
I would rather be at peace than happy. Happiness is a drug that I always want more of. When I am truly at peace I don't have any wants or desires.
Happiness will always fade. It feels great when the candle is burning brightly but it will inevitably fade into a flicker. Hopefully, that flicker coincides with sleep. It doesn't always. Living life when it seems like the light is out is most difficult. It may be a bit fun to sit in it and listen to those certain songs that bring a masochistic joy but when one is seriously considering ways to commit suicide help is needed. For most, life doesn't have to be so dark. Go to a butterfly park or an art museum or listen to some Daft Punk. Drink caffeine and go train. Read Edgar Morin. Read novels. I'm rambling.........................
I may never again reach that high of coming home from the clubs in Buenos Aires blackout drunk, smoking a bunch of basically bad weed but if you smoked enough of it you'd get super high and then just lying on the couch listening to Daft Punk. It was like I was elevated to a 4th dimension. Borracio, verde y Daft Punk. Por supuesto. En serio, bro.
I was going to share what I thought about poker these days. Or, suggestions to the new players. ...
I will say this. I am extremely selfish and self-centered and back when I was playing I was hyper-selfish and self-centered. There is a factor of the game that is incredibly stimulating. Sometimes that goes away. Sometimes that comes back. I mean poker is one of the most fascinating strategy games that exists on this earth. I have toyed around with just playing again so I can play around with a solver. Here is the catch though. Even though I was a hyper-selfish and self-centered person there was always a time where the truth emerged and a hollowness set in. I was exploiting and manipulating people to making a living. Many times it is not even this stimulating battle between worthwhile adversaries but rather just getting the jesus seat on some guy that doesn't know how to play. I guess it is always a bit of both for most. Some like isildur1 seem to go the route of stimulating battle 100% of the time and there were handfuls of guys that excelled at bumhunting. "Bumhunting." I believe that many of these guys have serious gambling problems (the bums not the nits). "But, if their dope man stops selling dope they'll just get it from the next guy." That's true. I am trying to think of what is analogous to giving out clean needles. At least the top dogs in the group will never kill a fish. Not out of any sort of compassion but if the fish dies the good games die.
I don't know. That may be all I have to write. I will just say it is hard to be a top dog for any amount of time. It doesn't even really happen over 5 year spans. 10 years later I don't recognize 1 person in the Stars 200/400 NL and it's hard to be a grinder. It's smart to be a guy like Gogol's Nose. Make $500k and then put it into land out in Montana. I wonder what he is doing now? That is a guy I definitely had those stimulating battles with. The guys that started holding money in Bitcoin.
But, it's not all about the material and consuming. The main guy over at currentaffairs.org took $34,000 for his salary. That is enough to live comfortably and he gets to write articles all day exposing the truth regarding the world we live in. I made $10k last year but I'm doing alright. I think most people would fear living as simply as I do. 2013 me would be repulsed. It's really not all that bad. I have a clear conscious and serene soul.
I guess that is what I would say. I believe that one of the secrets of life is helping people and not getting caught. Not looking for validation. Not looking for validation in the form of money, adulation, whatever. Finding the joy and beauty in life. When I see a black swallow tail butterfly fluttering about I become excited. The world seems magical to me. I only really get that feeling when I am in nature.
Black Swallowtail:
My favorite flower in my mom's garden: Magenta petunias:
These were all over the woods in my backyard as a kid: Wild violets:
Now, I am hungry. One desire I must fulfill. Although, in reality I could go about a month with out eating. I am sculpting to the aesthetics of the Greeks, Michelangelo and Rodin though. Chick pea curry again! I will take that over chicken, rice, and steamed broccoli any day.
My brother and sister-in-law are happy and docile. They go to their high paying multinational corporate jobs, come home to their giant house to take care of their 2 year old and then watch tv until they go to sleep. I don't get it. I've always been a bit of a wild child. L'enfant sauvage but I am confused about the meaning of sauvage. Gojira's lead singer says it is more about being feral and untouched by civilization. I was very much civilized as a youth but I always remained very much wild. I have had streaks of docility usually with even stronger streaks of rebellion and disobedience. I had to really respect the person and/or really need help to reach any level of docile. Which caused problems in the corporate structure. I remember the NAFTA Sales Director urging us to "really grab your customers by the balls." To manipulate them in any way we could in order to get the purchase order. I didn't want to manipulate my customers or grab them by the balls. The most successful salesman in the area was a direct competitor. He was a former NFL linebacker. A professional in hurting his competitors by any means necessary. Most of my customers adored him as he was an All-American for Notre Dame University which was just a short trip up the road. I took it as a challenge. I was up every day at 4:45am to lace up the bootstraps and get to work. Why? I don't know. I wanted to be President of the company. I wanted a penthouse in Lincoln Park, Chicago, and in some ways it was just for the spirit of it all. I fucking loved watching those hot slabs of steel roll out of the mill.
Every day was gameday. Everyday was like marching into battle. I was connecting with people, I was really helping out the mill, I was helping my friends get promotions. I was getting promotions. I loved to drink. I drank too much. That was my anesthesia. I suppose for a stretch there I was happy but I was not docile. I was still very much a wild child. I remember there was a part of the mill that was super muddy from all the rain. I started speeding around doing fish tails. No one fucking cared. They thought it was funny. That's because most people in the steel industry are wild childs. Are a bit nuts. I loved that. You have to be a bit nuts to be cooped up in a steel mill dealing with 3,000 F steel all day. In fact in one of the mills they all laughed and joked about it being a mental institution. The biggest reason that the union typically gets what it wants is that it would be disaster to let all these union guys out into civilization.
I was constantly butting heads with my manager. He was always making metaphors that I was a stallion that he was going to break. I would make metaphors that he was never going to fucking break me. We were getting business though. Not really getting paid in accordance to that business but we were both getting business and getting paid. I had the most profitable account per capita in NAFTA so could swing my dick around a little bit but I did understand that a lot of that was with help from my manager. I was good at getting people fired up about stuff but I am not a ruthless businessman or a psychopath. My manager was. So, we basically had an agreement where I would do my thing and then call him up when the deal needed to get closed. It was a good agreement. Him and his boss basically told me to manage my business. I never even received one phone call from my boss's boss.
Anyways.... I am kind of going off on a tangent here of memories. The All-American from Notre Dame eventually woke up, bought out some of our key guys, and started bribing all the right people. We ended up losing the largest business contract. A lot of people at that point liked me a lot so were throwing me bones with out much work needed from me. I had enough business to cruise. I knew this. My boss knew I knew this. I used the extra time to drink. I became more than just a heavy drinker. The workaholic aspect just turned into straight alcoholic.
I guess part of that story is that the patriarchy ganged up on me. I was certainly not very happy during my negotiations for a salary position. It was 5 rich, white guys and the corporate contract lawyers vs. me. I wouldn't say they broke me they just sort of fleeced and exploited me. You know, there is no real way in which someone lower on the totem pole can exploit a corporation. At least in my position. What could I do? I could cheat on my expense account. Maybe get an extra $50 out of it a week. So, maybe $3,000 over the course of a year? That's nothing compared to how a corporation can exploit its workers. It goes further than just dollar amounts. My mental health was ruined. The whole culture broke me but only for so long. Just because I take lithium and abilify doesn't mean I can't wile out. I am still not easily controlled. If anything I am more woke than ever. That doesn't help me pay my bills.
The people in power don't want to give it up and as long as most of the population is "happy" and docile nothing will change.
My aunt is high up in Siemans corporation. Her plan when she retires is to buy another house (they already have 2) and interior decorate it. *Click click click* Agonizing for months over which couch best expresses her true self. I am pretty sure she takes boatloads of anxiety pills and/or vino every day and night just to get through existence. I made $10k last year and am sitting in an Ikea computer chair with a broken arm and am pretty content with my position. It doesn't actually suck to be unemployed if you have stuff to do. What sucks is the looming fear that yeah eventually I will have to make money again.
Man, so, people always ask me "Well, what do you REALLY want to do?" or "What did you want to do when you were younger?" My answers are actor, musician, soccer player, artist, architect. There are reasons for those not panning out and none of those are something I could just sort of pick up again and make a living at today. Maybe a better question is "What is good for you?" We can maybe start working with that. A lot of people hear that I have a degree in history and suggest that I become a history teacher. I never really wanted to do that. I don't want to be confined by a high school curriculum. Well, what about a history professor? I don't know if I like the specialization. Never have. So, where does that leave me?
$12/hr at Whole Foods, going to AA meetings I don't like, and posting blogs on LP. YIPEEEE!!!!
So, I figure maybe I kick this blog off with something that would really offend vegans or Jordan Peterson fans or capitalist fans but I really just want to pass the time while waking up and digesting some food. I have been digesting a lot lately. There has been good discussion on here and I am reading "On Complexity" by Edgar Morin and "The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous Utopian Story."
"On Complexity" is good. Most of the reading I am just like "ok," "fair enough," "yeah, that's true." Like, I continue to read in hopes that it is a precursor to better stuff. The physics and the biology I already know. I want to get to anthropological insights and what all this means for the earth, culture, people and the future. Many times I feel I should have a dictionary handy but I just kind of wing it through context and memory. Morin is clearly a brilliant dude.
I am really enjoying "The Dispossessed." I could write more. If you are into sci-fi or anarchy it's definitely worth a look.
Something I was thinking about is putting my History degree to use and writing a dissertation on finding the truth about Marx, Communism, The Russian and Chinese State, Lenin and Mao, and the 100 million number. Maybe touch on where all this anti-communism rhetoric stems from. It's something that is kind of fascinating me. Like libertarian communism/socialist anarchy could actually work.
Edgar Morin is a history major! But, you won't find me getting any degrees in economics or law. Bro, 500 person lectures taught by some foreign dude that barely speaks English only at the university to do research mumbling through powerpoint presentations on Neoliberal economics..................... Bro, I'll download the powerpoints and skim them and never go to class and get an A. That is what university is supposed to be???????
Fucking law. Fucking lawyers. That is what most people thought I would do. *Shudder*
Actually, every male in my family except me in the US is either a chemist, an engineer, or both. Well, my brother has a PhD in theoretical nuclear physics and is a data scientist but it's still math and science. Actually, now that I think about it every male in my generation has a PhD in a science except me. I wanted to be an artist, designer (houses, shoes, clothes), or soccer player. I'm a bit of an oddball. I loved history because it was a search of the truth. We get to play detective and solve mysteries. It's tricky though because if you look at say a slave in the 1700s they don't really have a voice. They couldn't speak honestly. Many times you are doing guesswork with other historians' work and sources. I want to do more than just history though. The knowledge base that an Edgar Morin has is a bit overwhelming but I like what he is doing. I always enjoyed physics but I never really like biology. Anthropology I absolutely love. I was thinking of going back to graduate school for Anthropology. Or, maybe some kind of dual or multifaceted degree. But, maybe I don't need to do that. Maybe I just need to continue studying Edgar Morin. Loco, you should go back to school and study Morin and French to English translation. That actually seems like a very worthwhile endeavor. The US, UK, Australia, et al. BADLY need some Morin injected into the culture.
So, I had a $100k month in plo in the past and in 2017 I made $10k in grocery stores and restaurants... Is that my dream? To live under the poverty line working shit jobs? It's really not so bad when you are in it. I cut some produce, I cook some food, I like who I am working with. The stuff I did goes out on the line and gets served to customers and they enjoy it. It really isn't a horrible way to spend a day. I come home and I hang out with friends or do whatever. I wouldn't be reading "On Complexity" if I still had a job. One must be dedicated or unemployed to read books like that. "Being and Nothingness," "Theory of Justice," "The Republic." These books typically don't get read by people working 40+ hours a week.
I think maybe I just continue on the path. I have enough money to last me 2-3 months, more if I live like a monk. I don't really mind living like a monk to be honest. It's simpler. I don't get caught up in as much self-centered craving. When I work I want to spend all my money. Make the anguish of work "worthwhile." I need more anesthesia for the pain. I get caught up in capitalist culture. A want to express myself through clothing and "stuff." Liberation through a great orgasm that only lasts maybe 5 seconds with an after glow of maybe 15 min. No, I don't want to go back to work for a corporation. Not until I absolutely have to.
Too many to look at in the $100-$200 range. It's all brand recognition bull shit anyways. IT'S ALL BRAND RECOGNITION BULLSHIT!
Like having a a pair of $700 Alyx boots instantly makes me cool................... but people fall for it. What are those???? I like those????? Yeah, I only had to spend a paycheck on them............................
Man, I am liking my freedom so far but I will eventually run out of money. That brings me some anxiety. There is some anguish in the downtimes but training, going on walks with my family, reading novels and Edgar Morin just seems like what I should be doing at this point in time. I realized I really don't need tattoos, chelsea boots, and leather jackets. I don't need $100 meals. There are enough women that are receptive without me having those things. AND, why am I so concerned about getting validated by women anyway? That is a recipe for shit. Find a dope chick I like spending time with and spend time with her when I feel like it. That is it. I am not running for President of Tinder. I don't need to win the electoral college vote. A lot of women on there are pretty basic and not desirable to date. I am confident this isn't rationalizing either.
Anyways, I don't have anything else to say for now.
So, I am unemployed so I will probably be writing more blogs. More time. More anguish to cope with. More self-centered cravings that I will indulge in. This blog being one of them. I have been lying in. Just spending an hour or so in my bed just lying in. I have heard the natural circadian rhythm is to wake up about an hour later each day. I think I am on that voyage. So, I feel a bit sleepy. I haven't woke up yet. That could be a metaphor for my life as well. I am just a bit sleepy in general. It doesn't feel like I am woke like I need to be. To make a decision on what I am going to be spending my time on next. I could go the fear and tradition route and just take the first job that I can get. I have a little bit of money to take a vacation. I don't want to think too much. I just want to feel. What does my gut say? Not, what do my parents say? What does my brother say? What do my friends say? But, what does my gut say? What does my heart say?
I need to hit the gym again today and get a good sweat in. I don't think I am overtrained yet. After losing about 10 lbs. in a week and a half I have hit a bit of a plateau. I just have to make sure to maintain the muscle, get the HIIT in, and it's probably 70%+ nutrition. That's a bit of a heartbreaker that I shouldn't be eating rice.
I am just trying to position myself to have a bon ete. Good Summer. Why just a bon ete? Why not bonne vie? We wish people to have a good day or a good week. Why not a good life? I wished my brother-in-law a happy birthday today, told him I loved him, and wished him a great life not just a great day. I do love him but I don't know him as well as my other brother-in-law. I consider him my actual brother no disrespect to my actual brother. I had a text conversation with my old BJJ coach the other night. He is my brother too. I kind of wish I had enough money to go back and train. BJJ is the ultimate HIIT workout. When you are exchanging sweat, joint locks, and strangles a very rare camaraderie exists. Oh well, I have quit training twice already. Not that the past necessary repeats itself like a lot of people like to obsess about but there were reasons for me not doing it that were greater than the reasons for doing it so unless the reasons scale shifts it is stupid to throw down money on training and private lessons.
I am not meant for a corporate environment. Baal was talking about how corporations are not coercive. That is bullshit. They use their positions of power to manipulate all the fucking time. That's really all it is. It was the same in sales. I think I have told this story before but my manager took me out for drinks and explained to me it was all manipulation. We are trying to manipulate the customer into doing what we want and it is that simple. In taking me to a cool place and buying me drinks I like he was attempting to manipulate me into manipulating people. There are a million ways in which corporations and managers can be coercive and manipulative. They can dock pay, they can give people shitty assignments, they can make people work more hours, not give people vacation, they can fire people. A lot of sales in business to business was just finding the collection of people within the customers' company that would manipulate their own people. It almost always came down to the Plant Manager telling the purchasing agent to fuck off.
The fact that I am not meant for the corporate environment and the fact that I can't pay the bills as an artist it just seems like I am destined to be destitute. That is what I am not awake to. Where are my outs? I can't be drawing dead. Really? But, we've been through this before. I mean surely I shouldn't be judging an occupation on the percentage chance that I get ghosted mentioning it on Tinder? Lol, that is absurd but it was a thought. Thoughts are fucked up. Feelings from the gut are more reliable. My gut feeling is that apprenticing at a tattoo shop would be really interesting. I am very talented at drawing and sketching. I get minor tremors in my hand due to the lithium and adrenaline so that might kill it. It would be an experience but I would have to find a shop that would take me. There are probably better options out there.
We are a sum of our actions but how much power do we have over those actions?
The US Government and multinational corporations would have us believe it is complete control. Freedom and power are the most powerful marketing tools. It's a trap. I don't want any part of that machine but I must engage with it to a point. I haven't figured out any other way. It sucks doing work for less than a "living wage" though. It sucks doing work for more than a "living wage" typically too. The corporations want their employees to be in debt. The corporations want their customers to be in debt as long as they are buying their stuff. People start getting flush with money they are free to make some changes. Free to take vacations and potentially to explore their surplus of options. All of this is based on culture. Culture of the state and culture of the corporation. I struggle to fit in with much of the US culture and corporate culture. New slavery is buying an $1,000 leather jacket. That's being caught in chains, in a prison. Is it worth having to be perfect going into a customer? Being an actor? All learned smiles, and laughs, and unblinking negotiations?
It's perfect outside and I don't have a bike. That makes me a bit sad. It will be a bit sad to go into a gym to use a stationary bike when it is 79 F and perfect outside. I loved my bike. I had an attachment to my bike. It always made me happy when I was riding it. I had to sell it when I lost my corporate job 3 years ago. That is what I should be spending my money on instead of chelsea boots, leather jackets, and tattoos. A new bike.
Oh well, I have to figure out how I am going to train today so I can be sane and lose fat and feel good. ¡Mucho Amor LP!
I lost my job today. The restaurant closed down. I am not sure how I feel. I originally felt freedom but then started to feel fear. I don't want to take my next job out of fear. I really don't even know what to do. An idea was to apprentice at a tattoo shop. My parents loved that idea... Why do I still care what they think? They asked me if I could do anything what would it be? My answer was to design shit. Shoes, clothes, houses, hotels, tattoos, whatever I was obsessed with at the time. Or, I would want to be a DJ/musician just traveling around small venues making a fair amount of money but only being recognizable by true fans. I would want to walk down the street and do what I wanted to with out being intruded on. I don't know if there are any answers that can be extracted from that. If I can get my bitcoin into USD and my tax refund in a reasonable amount of time I should be ok for a bit. Maybe 1 or 2 months or more if I live like a monk. I want to spend my days doing stuff out of love and not fear.
This may have been good for me. I was hitting a stretch where I was not improving my culinary skills whatsoever and also doubting if I even wanted to be in the field. It kind of forces me to make a choice to get on with my life.
I was at a point where I wanted a vacation. So, I got one. I am sure I will be complaining about the anguish of unemployment soon enough.
For the BTC people out there. What is the best way to get BTC into USD these days?
I don't like bowing to my buddhist teacher when he enters the room.
If I had more money it would be in bitcoin and acres in Montana.
I am a bit bored with Tinder. Funny how that was my obsession about 2 weeks ago. That is just how I operate. The novelty has worn off and I guess to be honest I am currently not that attractive of a person to date.
Or, it could be because I write things like this:
(She instructed to email her because she isn't on tinder a lot. She had a caption saying "Life is too short, Get naked. Fuck loud and make noise")
Hey,
What's up?
I saw your profile on tinder and swiped right.
Life is too short. But a blip in existence. Fuck.
Fuck.
I like that: Fuck loud and make noise.
Or at least have fun and laugh.
Get charged up. Dick hard. Clit hard. Stiff and wet. Good combinations.
Spicy thai food and mango ice cream. Pink skies on the beach. A pastry and a coffee.
If I had magenta suede chelsea boots would you touch me?
A leather jacket would you rub me?
Another sleeve of tattoos would you hug me?
I am me. That is all I can be.
Hotel suite with a bad bitch or writing poetry under a tree.
Beauty and transcendence is what I am after.
I wish to escape the prison of the mind.
Come with me. I will break the chains and we can run for it.
I know love, peace, and serenity exist.
I have been there before. We can build a boat and realize we already have access. There are no secret islands to discover.
Yeah, that was kind of ridiculous but it's what I felt at the time. Have a good week stranger. I love you and the human race.
I will never know the response because the email didn't exist or I typed it in wrong.
Tinder does get exciting when I am getting exciting matches.
I tell you what though. There is something about getting in some good training. Eating like a light salad and then going for a walk on the beach. Pink skies. Sometimes I miss pastries and coffee and cigarettes but it's not worth it. It's just not worth it. Cigarettes are still so alluring to me. There is like never a bad time for a cigarette but it is ALWAYS a bad time for a cigarette.
Vueve Clicquot and liberation. Then I end up in strip clubs and VIP rooms and driving drunk and hurricaning my life into the ground. That is the past though. That's just what I tell myself when I start thinking about buying a pizza and a couple bottles of Vueve and how fun that would be. Or my trusted black box of caubernet sauvignon. That is a bit more affordable. $1/unit. Man, that shit was my medicine. Now, I have lithium and abilify but what is there for the soul sickness? The existential sickness? Materialism is lacking. Buddhism is lacking. Imagination. Now, there is something there. Family. Friends. Helping people. How can I be helpful?
I don't want to just hold on for tonight or today. Sometimes maybe that is where I am at but I want to live life to the fullest. I think honestly sometimes that is taking a nap. I don't have to be skydiving or at some hot party doing shots to be living.
Compassion. Living from the heart. Getting a good night's sleep.
Why aren't we all driving Teslas? Well, I guess I can't really talk because I drive a Subaru Forester. It was given to me by my mom. I can't afford to drive any other car.
The Macbook Pro is really a beautiful product. I have a desktop in storage that I don't even think about.
Can love really overcome fear? I mean that is this narrative we have been given through out our lives usually in some form of moneymaking enterprise. It's what sells but it gets muddled with the narrative that we need a lot of money, and need to be physically attractive, and have a lot of stuff. I look at people with heavily branded items and I just feel like they are a bit confused. Sometimes I am a bit confused but I am not that confused. Oh well, I don't feel like talking about this anymore so I am out. Much love LP. Until next time.
So, I am on one of those searches for an elusive feeling I am not even sure I know what I am looking for. Just something different. I shaved my beard off yesterday and had to deal with all the responses today. I think most people thought I looked weird. One girl in particular who is rather honest said I shouldn't have shaved my beard and that I don't look good shaven and that now I look chubby and I didn't before. She said I should have just trimmed it. Along with some other stress and frustrations I was looking to escape. One of my tried and true is pornography obviously. When I really need it I tend to go for the JOI variety. That left me a little calmer but then I was fucking hungry. Eat the pain away. We have chips and pico de gallo! I obviously ate it all. All of it. It is all digesting in my stomach as we speak. Then I see we have a mango! Devoured. So fucking good. Then I thought. "Hey, I always seem to turn it around a little bit writing a blog on LP." I guess it is sort of a coping device for reality. I try to get down to the depths of reality while at the same time I am escaping it in a way. I could be looking at other avenues of employment. I get ghosted like 85% of the time on tinder when I mention I am a prep cook (at a chain restaurant). Yet, I go back there every day doing the same damn shit and I come home and do more or less the same damn shit. But then I find something like this:
Then I am off on this rush with Tove Lo. Listening to music, watching interviews. I love her songwriting and she gets what it is like to be an addict or just someone that loves the rushes and adventures of life. I feel like I am nearing the end of that rush like the lights have gone out and it is just me alone in my room with my computer a little lost and confused.
A little lost and confused with my obsessions and struggles. The buddhist teacher would say to meditate but I have never been one to just sit and meditate outside of a daily practice. Now is a great time to start isn't it? And I say fuck that. I want to do ecstasy with Tove Lo at Coachella, smoke some dank weed, and get lost in each other and our pleasures. Craving, suffering, I got it. Yup. I can just let the cravings pass. The anguish pass. Almost to the point of being free of craving and anguish. Sometimes I rather indulge in all of it. Get lost in memories and fantasies. Eat an entire pint of ice cream. Sneak into the bathroom with my phone and my pornhub. Junk food. Junk values. How do we rise above?
In other Swedish pop star news: Avicii killed himself. Cut himself with broken glass and bled to death. Honestly, I have been there before. I really related to Avicii and his story. I remember LOVING his song "Alcoholic" even before I realized I was actually an alcoholic. Man, I was on Avicii early before he even had any of his own songs. Back when he was MURDERING it in clubs around the world. He put together some of the best hours I have ever experienced. I have been where Avicii was. I just decided to burn myself instead of cut myself. It hits close to home because that is probably how I will end up going if I ever started drinking again. Especially now that is in my mind it is almost a fucked up romanticized view of it. What a fitting death for alcoholic me. Slitting my wrist with a broken Jack Daniels bottle. It also shows one can seemingly have it all and be so discontented with life that they end it. It actually makes me really sad. Avicii is one of those stars that I felt a kinship and if he can't get out of this thing without killing himself what hope do I have? I just keep on trucking. That's all I can do.
I had an old ipod with just a crazy selection of Avicii's best sets caught on tape. Unfortunately, it died and all of those will be gone for forever (as far as I know). I have this in my mind that there was one from like 2010 at Glow in Washington D.C. that was off the charts but everything he was doing at that time was crazy.
I dug this up:
I think there was definitely some better stuff from small'ish clubs around this time but if you like EDM this is killing it. Makes me forget I am just a meaningless organism living in a meaningless world for a while at least. But, how do I make this existence BETTER!?!?!? If I shave I can better go down on women. If I buy the chelsea boots and the leather jacket and the watch and we go to the cool lounge and what do I order? Oh, god what do I order? I can't order a san pelligrino because I got ghosted when I suggested that with a random tinder chick. Same with cappucino. But, fuck it, maybe I just want to lounge in a lounge and drink some sparkling water. Fuck it. Maybe I don't even want to go to a lounge. I don't want to dress up in the lounge outfit. Black armani shirt with black jeans and black chelsea boots. See, I already have chelsea boots just not tan ones that I want. I also want charcoal and maybe something a bit out there like magenta in suede. Magenta suede chelsea boots would surely get me laid no? Oh, there is more to it than that. Like not being a prep cook at a chain restaurant and living with my parents at 34.
The actors in Hollywood tell me to eat chicken, rice, and steamed vegetables all day and train a few hours a day and I can look like a superhero. ORLY? That's it? You don't say.
It is kind of crazy that this guy who seemingly had it all and also was quite useful ended it so abruptly. Listening to this mix led to so many great workouts and more fun car rides. On another tangent it's like I am detached and don't care at all. Like a fly that hit the windshield. I want to know more about the circumstances. Was he drinking? Was he trying to get sober at any point? Were there other drugs involved?
Oh well. I don't know if I have any answers. I am just writing to escape like I said earlier. Cope with life. Sometimes it is so easy, happy, and carefree and sometimes it just seems like a chore, no fire, the candle is at a low flicker, and full of anxiety and confusion and fogginess. All I can do is my best or good enough. Keep stepping forward. I am here, now. So, what does that mean? I need to fuck around with some paint. Maybe start sketching tattoos. Now, there's an idea. Reality is too harsh for me sometimes. That is just a fact. I need ways to escape that aren't too damaging and don't put me in a constant suffering/craving/anesthetize loop.
So, I just watched "Carmina Burana" to ballet and it was fucking brilliant. Between the Lebanese coffee and the show I am like pumped up. Oh man, "O Fortuna" is like overwhelming and there was a piece after the fall where there is a learned balance between the pitfalls of earthly pleasures and awareness that was so blissful. I had tears steaming down my face. The costumes were incredible as well as the lighting. You can't ignore the beauty and grace in the dancers. Such remarkable symmetry. But what do I want? I want to fuck a bad bitch like Kleio Valentine (NSFW).
Tinder and Snapchat is the new Liquidpoker and r/gonewild for me. It's just different things substituted. I smell some pussy and I am planning on which chelsea boots to buy, which leather jacket to buy, my next tattoo while forgetting I still live at home with my parents and have dental bills and yada yada yada. I have a date with a girl that we'll find out what she is actually going to look like when she shows up. She is pretty cool though so I figure we'll give it a shot. I have to get some more/(better) pics up on tinder. I would like a nice influx of matches always coming in. I don't want to get tinder plus until I have a better profile and some more experience under my belt. You see this? All the plans and fantasies. I'm a fucking maniac. I really should sit and breathe more. So, many people fucking say that. I guess I am a little restless at the moment. I want so bad to win at life and I have too many plans and fantasies and I don't even know what my priorities are. I know my first priority is I really can't drink alcohol or do drugs. Shit is fucked if I do. I think renunciation of the material is such a tricky one. It is like people in overeaters anonymous. A little different because I absolutely need to eat to survive but do I really need to go to the lengths of buddhist monk and completely abstain from the material? The other end is broke me in dope outfits.
So, I RSVP'd to my friend's wedding and tried on my suit. It's tight! Tight as in too tight and barely fits. So, I think it is time to burn some fat. I am not quite where I would like to be in the muscle aspect but I think it is more important to burn fat at this point. That means less food and more cardio.
Some topics in here for sure. I just needed to get some stuff out of my brain. What do I really want? AA tells me peace and serenity. I think that is about right.
Death is certain. The timing of it is uncertain. Impermanence abounds. Even stars die on a long enough time line. We get to the meagerest of triple digits if we are lucky and/or extremely prudent with our health. I am all about making the most of this time on Earth but I still struggle with it. Anguish and suffering. On one hand it is cool to sit and be with the breath on another hand I just did my taxes and I only made $10,000 this year. I know I am on this journey. I don't know if I would call it spiritual. Renunciation of material goods and junk values. But, not many want to date a broke prep cook living with his parents. Maybe I want to date a little bit and have some fun with the fairer sex. Maybe I should just go on meditation retreats to pick up. But, I don't really want to go on meditation retreats.
I am not THAT into buddhism. But, it would be nice to pick up a chick that is a little bit buddhist. Or not. I got some things developing on tinder which is cool. We will see how that goes. Tinder would be infinitely easier if I was in my 20s and fun drinking all the time and adventuring. BUT I'M NOT IN MY 2Os AND I DON'T DRINK. REALITY. DEAL WITH IT.
I kind of came to the conclusion today that my priorities are kind of skewed. Like I am this broke guy carrying too much body fat doing deadlifts. If I want to be more attractive I would be making money and lowering body fat %. But, you know what? Fuck it. I like eating burgers and fries and ice cream. I don't have to have a 6 pack like Tyson Beckford, Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConnaghey.
I should be lifting for me but honestly really? I mean I enjoy it but... but what? I really just want to slide my dick into a wet vagina. I mean that isn't all. I prefer that she be cool or hot or preferably both. There is this woman named Patti Stenger who was on this show I used to watch "Millionaire Mathmaker." She would always say the penis does the picking. I think that is part of the brilliance of tinder in that I know pretty quick if I am attracted to someone. Is this some archaic form of picking? Is it barbaric that I am not reading biographies or not giving many big girls a shot? I will swipe right on a single mom if she is attractive enough, an occasional big girl if she really is "curvy" or "thick," and older women rarely. In a way I am judging the big girls for not being in shape which is valued in society just as wealth and status are valued in society for men. I am the big girl and the single mom on there. Broke dude with shit job is the big girl and single mom of tinder. Not drinking indicates fucking weirdo bore but I can overcome the bore part and I am a bit of a weirdo.
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