So, maybe I will put a halt on the bursts of narcissistic entanglement that is my blog for at least one post.
I will be in the car for 16 hours straight next week and was interested what people have to say about podcasts. One that really stands out to me is S-Town (Shittown). I don't think that one could be topped but shit like that is I think what I am looking for. I also love Vegan Vanguard with Mexie and Marine. That is about it. I could check out Serial and the other contributors to S-Town as well as who Vegan Vanguard has collaborated with recently but that is an overwhelming task at the moment. Or I would be interested in something completely different. A friend recommended me S-Town and I was like "yeah, oh ok." I am just looking for what the kids call [Fire Emoji]. But probably not actually what the kids think is [Fire Emoji]. I don't know. We are all like 30-40 here anyways. Who has listened to some good shit? Let's get it out in the open.
I might talk about suicidal thoughts, killing Jeff Bezos, and strangling Israelis that exert heinous power over Palestinians, etc. Put the babies to bed.
I quit my job today. That was unpleasant. It still is unpleasant. I wonder when the unpleasantness of it will go away. And now it's time to think about what to do next. I wonder if I'm any good at anything. In the Politics Thread we are talking about how there are no ethical choices under capitalism. Well, sometimes it feels like there are no choices of where to work under capitalism. I am a wage slave getting exploited anyway you cut it. What I feel strongly in my gut at this moment is that I should work towards being an existential psychotherapist. What I feel weakly in my gut is that I should just end it all right now with a sharp knife to the gut. Disembowelment with say a large chef knife would probably do the trick but there are probably better ways to go. It would be nicer to have a #2 on hand to cut my head off to alleviate the suffering. I don't want to kill Jeff Bezos today. I think I would always be down to strangle a corrupt Israeli at least into unconsciousness. I don't actually have any power though. I'm rather benign. My power lies in my connection with leftists in this area which I was at a party where close to all of them in the city showed up and sadly it wasn't much. We did some work on Bernie's campaign, ate vegan BBQ, and shared in discourse. It was a good time and solidarity yeah but on another hand maybe it is kind of depressing that there isn't more of an impact here. Although, I'm not one to talk. I could definitely do more or could I? I am disconnected from my leftist people at the moment. Food Not Bombs is one way to make a difference and connect and it's shut off for me right now. That is the catalyst for everything. The DSA (Democratic Socialists of America) can be too but I am not a Democratic Socialist.
I think at a time about now it's time to read some Schopenhauer. I need a Schopenhauer Cure. Or I don't even know what to read. It feels like I should be spending a lot of time on finding a job. I don't even know what I am doing. From how much time a day to devote to it to even what I am looking for. There is some soul searching to be done for sure. I am just sick of these shit jobs. Running us proletariat ragged for scraps. I feel powerless. I don't know what to do. There is still some joys in life but it feels muted. I just have to carry on like the Stoics. Will this matter in 5 years? I don't know. This fundamental aspect of existence that we need to drink water, eat food, have bowel movements and find something to do within capitalism or die is nauseating.
We'll see. I keep saying just get through the day and get a decent night of sleep. We'll see. We'll see.
We'll see.
I think I will try and paint my emotions right now.
I got a text today that more or less said, "So, do you still want to work for us?"
I have been dreading this text for a while. I could have just said no and officially started looking for other jobs but I was afraid. My car has no air conditioning and is scheduled for a checkup soon now that I am going to be driving it again. The job market has got to be a tough one at the moment. So, I was a coward and said "Yes." I start back on Friday. I felt kind of depressed all day today. Not that quarantine has been that great for me lately but going back to being a servant for scraps. Now I am back in anxiety mode. I don't really want to read a powerpoint to kids that don't care but maybe it wouldn't be as bad as this? But I just recall my Econ 200 professor reading powerpoints with 0 gusto and the class being a joke and some weird twilight zone of suck. I never would want to go near a project like that. I told my therapist yesterday that I don't know if I see myself doing anything. Yet I'm dying to get back into Food Not Bombs and explore other non-profits in the area.
My therapist said to just keep doing what I'm doing. That I'm gifted in listening, patience, to never turn my back on social justice, or giving, and to not be timid with my thoughts. If I add all that up I'm not sure what it means in regards to what I should be doing to earn some form of income. Fuck... I guess I'll survive. I'll survive. For now. Unless I die in a car crash tomorrow, or get Covid-19 and die, or any other number of ways to expire. And I'm sitting here depressed most of the day and worried how work is going to be and escaping with sleep.
I had to throw this one into the hat. I think I am feeling a bit better about all of it just writing this out. Yeah, I can see how it all equates to spam. In my biased opinion it's not like these blogs are completely irrelevant but whatever. As I said in the last blog it's a weird malady. These blogs make me feel better.
I realized something else tonight. I am fat because part of my self-esteem is tied into being this "foodie" or "good-eater." My dad is a fat ass and has this same problem and I think I originally picked it up from him. That's why when I am dieting I can diet because the self-esteem reverses to being good at dieting but just my base state is one that derives self-esteem through eating good food. It is accentuated when out with other "good-eaters" where we have to prove our "good-eaterness" and collectively get a good feeling by sharing in the good eats.
In the same vein I get self-esteem from this blog in some way. I'm sure of it. In some way it makes me feel relevant or important. There is also the cathartic aspect of it. I feel renewed. I don't fear work as much in this moment. I will go and do what is required of me to earn my paycheck and hopefully not fall too far in the undead cycle of undead work and undead rest. If it sucks too much I can find a new job or quit.
I just took a glance at the Poker Blogs page and realized that I probably post 2 blogs for every other 1 post by everyone combined. It is like some weird malady.
There is seemingly no hope of sleeping anytime soon. There is always an excuse to write these things. I poop them out like poop. I eat, I poop, I die.
The insomnia has gotten worse. I didn't sleep well last morning at all and then all day today I typically dozed off while reading. Which just makes the insomnia worse. I just felt a bit down and defeated today. My self esteem is low and the anxiety is higher. I just don't really feel like coping with life. I'm grasping for a blue pill. Just let me be an accountant or something. 2 kids and a swimming pool. But, actually, that sounds horrendous. I never want to be a cog in a corporate hierarchy again even though I am a cog in a corporate hierarchy. Definitely don't want kids. It's doubtful I will ever own my own house nor would I want to. I helped restore my parents' fence the other day it was a shit job.
I think in a lot of cases "the red pill" isn't actually a "truth." Like, if someone were taking Jordan B Peterson's words as gospel that isn't truth. And, the blue pill is bullshit because there is no such thing as sustainable bliss. We are all fucked no matter what pill we take. That includes pain pills, benzos, and even my beloved MDMA.
My sister's baby was a mistake and she didn't get an abortion. And I think my brother and sister-in-law just had a kid because of social pressure. That is kind of fucked up. If my nephews have any sort of penchant for reading I am giving them "Notes From the Underground" by Dostoevsky at age 12. I plan to only give them books as gifts and have so far succeeded but if 1 or both turn out to despise reading I will despise them... No, of course I love my nephews. They are great. I am sure I have said it plenty of times on here. Once they are here it's now time for minimizing suffering.
I don't know if I'm suffering so much as I am dissatisfied. I can attempt to be this champion of isolation but if I am honest isolation sucks. A friend called me tonight and we spoke for an hour or so. That was nice.
I am still thinking about getting a new job. Reading powerpoints that some company made for me to kids over the internet sounds kind of terrible. I would actually want to make my own course but it would be a lot of work and it likely wouldn't get approved. "But, RiKD why don't you try before dismissing it?" Well, that is what I am mulling over. It's easier to just say mañana and not think about it too much. Employment sucks.
Yup, it's still upon me. I'll try not to put anything in here about punching Nazis or strangling Israeli Defense Forces. It's the strangest thing I have no desire to do either of those things at the moment. It's weird how thoughts work no?
I finally got some dye for my t-shirt dying adventure. It was between beet waste and dye and the dye won. They are about the same price except cleaning beets is one of my least favorite kitchen jobs. I am happy to not be coerced into doing that in order to eat food and survive so I will probably never eat beets again if I am making the food. Unless my mom wanted me to make her her mom's borscht for some reason. Then I might come out of beet cleaning retirement.
I am also on the path of budding bread making novice. It's nice to get more or less the same benefits of quality bread as an expert would. The learning curve is tremendous to get to expert baker status for sure but just making a simple loaf of bread is actually quite easy as long as things are exact. Everyone should try it!
Painting has been painting. I mixed the most beautiful murky green-brown today and gesso'd a canvas with it. I'm interesting to see how that one will turn out.
If I could just figure out a way to volunteer say 25 hours a week and have the rest of the time for leisure that would be dandy. It would be nice to actually see friends. I've actually been faring pretty well in this quarantine. Sometimes I don't feel like reading which can really throw a wrench into the cogs but other than that it's been quite alright. I am not looking forward to going back to 40 hours a week at my current job. That is so many hours. And I haven't been able to think of something else in the mean time. I could move to PA and play poker. $20/hr at 20 hours a week feels like it could be doable. And that is the only way I can think to achieve that. I can't think of anything else that I could work 20 hours whenever I want and achieve $20/hr. I don't know I'd rather find something where it at least feels like I am adding some value. Not in the tech dickhead sense of adding value but more so being useful to the planet, its ecology, and yes the beings on the planet as well. I have had a lot of time I could have looked more into this but maybe now is the time.
I feel tortured yet I feel free. How could that be? Am I masochistic? There are sometimes when I lay my head down on the pillow and it is hopeless. But sometimes I fall asleep when I least expect it. Many times I don't. I know it is partly because I just lie in bed most of the day reading. If I were out in the fields from dawn until dusk I highly doubt there would be sleep problems.
I am finally reading a proper novel. "Ada or Ardor" by Vladimir Nabokov.
That's really all I am doing. Not much to report. I've been painting a little bit. I've been inspired by "murky" colors. A lot of grays and browns.
I am inspired to make my own tea glasses (yunomi). I don't currently have access to materials or a kiln but I will when quarantine is up hopefully. I wish to make stoneware yunomi as a gift for friends and family. 1 per person only each individually made by me. That is something that I am excited about.
I am also inspired to start baking my own Italian bread. Water, flour, yeast, salt. I could do that tomorrow.
I am listening to some Palestinian music that is actually quite rousing. It's making me think about strangling some Israeli scum. Before I get my noob ass Krav Maga'd to death.
It feels like I am so far away from sleep. I am on a break for it. A break for what? I will say I never quite know where the rabbit hole will take me. I can't just write in these white spaces forever.
So, I've spent some time exploring the beat generation and don't worry guys you aren't missing out on anything. Proceed with your lives accordingly. Toodles.
I just ate a big lunch and have to let it settle a bit before getting back to some reading.
Marcuse talks about how we see our "soul" in the commodities we buy. Or at least some people. That is a pretty shit form of spirituality. It kind of preys on this idea that we should be authentic. We have no "soul" so we can fix that by buying stuff. It's a ruse mastered by the marketing department. I could be falling for it as we speak but I think I am pretty strong in this area. Mostly because I simply don't buy stuff.
That's why I love Nature. The trees don't try and sell my anything. The natural arrangements of the flowers. I can still remember the beauty of the patches of wild violets in the woods behind my childhood home. The sounds of the streams. The birds singing their songs. We can learn a lot from birds. We cannot learn a lot from the "Daily Mirror." "The "intelligent" tabloid."
I have been getting into Allen Ginsberg poetry and William Burroughs novel "Naked Lunch." I don't know if I would say that I am underwhelmed exactly. There is definitely some good stuff there. I just think that period gets a little bit too much credit for the art that was produced. There's definitely some great stuff enmeshed in it all but overall I would say it is overrated. For the times I could see it being a big deal I just don't think it holds up as well as other stuff throughout the history of the earth. I could change my mind as I read more. Maybe, maybe not.
Oh well. I think my food is probably digested enough. Have a good day all. Toodles.
Well, no. There is no one listening. There is no gaze. There is no voice.
What is digital communication anyway?
Who am I writing to?
I miss the Other. Their gaze. Their voice.
I smell bad. I haven't showered in I don't know how many days.
I want to read Theodor Adorno but his paperbacks are like $30 and I ain't readin' no pdf bullshit... Fuck that shit. And he doesn't like jazz music. I wanted to pick up a book on his essays on the culture industry and aesthetics. Oh well.
My therapist told me to write a journal everyday. This probably isn't the format.
I will say I want quarantine to be over but I don't want to go back to work so what do I do?
So, I sit and listen to Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and fill up the white space.
I think if I should have another white tea.
I speak to no one and everyone.
My headphones are really good. I don't buy many things but am really happy with that purchase.
"Walden & Other Writings of Henry David Thoreau" is staring at me on the table...
Roland Barthes lived with his mother until she died. He was 61 I believe. I would like to read more of his philosophy as well. I don't think I want to live with my mother until I am 61 the guy is just intriguing is all.
But at some point maybe you just gotta like say fuck off to these "elitist" philosophers and watch some live punk shows. I feel like a million bucks. I've got too much energy and I don't know what to do with it. I need to find new creative outlets. Or old creative outlets.
I feel like punching nazis and hugging homeless people.
My French sucks. I wish it were better. Time and energy. What do we do with our time and energy?
It is easy to fall into a routine while working. We work, we rest for work, we work. In quarantine i seemingly have an excess of time. I am not working so i have plenty of willpower and energy. What do we spend our time and energy on?
I am currently reading Jean Baudrillard's "Fatal Strategies." It is pretty good but is it the best that the world has to offer?
I am currently listening to smoke a blunt and chill with the special lady friend music and writing a blog. Maybe i can get to the bottom of this issue maybe not.
We only get a certain amount of time and energy what do we do with it?
I am on the brink of losing it in quarantine. I would have never read "Being and Time" if it weren't for quarantine. I'm glad i got to it. I am a drug addict. I'm looking for that same level of flow. It was like i was taking hits on that Byung-Chul Han until i scale it up real special with some Heidegger. Maybe i need to come down again on some literature. What if i don't even feel like reading? or painting? I am fucked. I need good drugs to get me through this. I am out of yellow paint. That is an annoyance. And i don't want to go back to my job when this is all through. So, i need some plans man. I need some plans man! Such strange times. At the same time i tell myself to just take it one day at a time and that's all i can really do.
Am i the only one that feels this pressure to optimize my time and energy in quarantine?
I don't know if it's even that i just don't want to engage in news, gossip, entertainment, social media. Idle talk basically. Fleeing from myself and the fact that i will die. Or more simply it's a waste of time and energy.
I am going to die though. That's the impetus here. Of course i like pleasure and tranquility though too. I do not know if i need some grand project or narrative either. That's always a mindfuck. The truth is there is no project or narrative that defies death but in the grips of an adventure life feels alive. I can take a walk in nature and feel the breeze and watch the birds. "Being and Time" made me feel ALIVE. I am just a drug addict looking for good drugs. I am knocking off the rust in my German to pass the time but that is fiddly sticks. When is the revolution? We are too late. The world as we know it is over.
here is a gooey song:
Maybe i will end it there. When is the revolution? Oops. We are too late. The world is already over and has been for a while.
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