Appendix = Out

thats what happen to u rikd cuz u were mia for a bit, thought u cold turkey quit LP without a goodbye blog post lol but hope u get well soon bud.

I might need some TV suggestions. It's rough out here in my world at the moment.

get well soon!

Have you seen fallout and/or the expanse for TV recommendations.

On a side note i have been with 3 people with appendicitis' first one i had no idea but i diagnosed the other ones within a couple of hours. The second time i was Sunday MTT grinding with a friend and during the break he said "im just going to have a lay down on the floor during the break because in too much pain." That was when i was pretty sure it was an appendicitis lol. Amazingly he messaged Stars with his hospital notes etc and they refunded all of his buyins (about 1200 usd).

On August 29 2026 23:47 newgeinnings wrote: thats what happen to u rikd cuz u were mia for a bit, thought u cold turkey quit LP without a goodbye blog post lol but hope u get well soon bud.

Aktually, I was kind of over LP for a while there. The restlessness and boredom of my current situation brought me back. Thanks for the well wishes though <3

On August 30 2026 11:27 KeyleK_uk wrote: get well soon! Have you seen fallout and/or the expanse for TV recommendations. On a side note i have been with 3 people with appendicitis' first one i had no idea but i diagnosed the other ones within a couple of hours. The second time i was Sunday MTT grinding with a friend and during the break he said "im just going to have a lay down on the floor during the break because in too much pain." That was when i was pretty sure it was an appendicitis lol. Amazingly he messaged Stars with his hospital notes etc and they refunded all of his buyins (about 1200 usd).

Thanks mate ^^!

I was never into the Fallout genre but The Expanse looks super good. I'd like to see a world that has blown up across the solar system politically, etc.

I'm having flashbacks. I was in the surgery recovery room for 2 days. A bed never opened up. They had this blue screen they would pull across a rail to give me privacy. It was a lot of staring into that blue and my feet but mostly blue. I always had something in my arm whether that be fluids or antibiotics. Constantly monitored, getting tested, getting pricked. The man next door was absolutely misterable....

I may not be 100% but it's better than being in the hospital. I am writing this blog because I just needed something different to do. I have had about enough of the Faulkner and the naps. Of course, I'm not swearing off the Faulkner and the naps. The Faulkner is quite good and how could anyone hate on naps?

I'm not sure why I allow myself to spend so much time on x.com - a giant propaganda arm of Elon Musk. The problem being that there is some signal there at times. But, do I really want to be some guy on the beach with a metal detector?

I'd rather just be a guy wandering a beach without a metal detector: x.com deactivated.

This doesn't mean I am not looking for high-signal internetz. LP was probably a mix of high signal and flat out entertainment for a while there. Of course, there are good books which are pretty easy to find. Probably some decent newsletters or essays out there. Whatever. It doesn't really matter at this point.

To think that once The Signal was here. To think that once The Entertainment was here. Where did The Signal go? Where did The Entertainment go?

I've always prided myself at being astute at finding a Signal. A Signal without too much N O I S E. Now, I'm broken down on my ass recovering from an appendoctomy and hernia surgery. What the fuck!? That happened fast! Such is life. In my 40s, fucking cashier at a grocery store. It's fucking sad man. But I keep breathing.

Listening to fucking Billie Eilish. I don't know why this shit resonates it just does. I like her voice. I like her production.

I am not sure where I go from here. I don't need to figure that all out tonight. Hell, I still have trouble getting out of bed and taking a shower and putting on my socks.

I've been going for a lot of walks. Just gentle walks around the neighborhood like 15 - 30 min. My last walk of the night tonight I was in my phone walking super slow as far to the right as I could go listening to something like that Alter Ego by Tame Impala. Then this woman in pink and black flashes by me. I didn't hear her at all but she kind of like cut me off but I was going so slow in my phone it didn't matter but I looked up and there was literally the best ass and shape I've ever seen in my life then the lyric "1 to 1 out of a dream." It was like something out of a movie. The lights changed. She jogged off. I unabashadley watched the whole thing tranpsire. It felt like God was on my side in those moments. Like it actually felt like that. My God would of course be a strange God. Throw the kid in a hospital for a week but then give him a glimpse of God. She didn't run particularly athletic. That was fine. She ran more feminine than athletic and I liked that.

YSL LNDLH + Billie Eilish at 5am. Yes.

It looks like I will be spending more time on here now that x.com is gone. I don't know if that's a great thing. The Signal is gone. The Entertainment is gone. Hell, 95% of the posters are gone. Maybe 98%. Maybe 99%. Hell, maybe only a handful of legitimate people have posted in the last 3 months.

I would like to start a new writing project. I just don't know what to write about. I could try to finish my current writing project but maybe I'm still too close to it. I also don't feel like paying for beta readers. That one might be sitting in the drawer for a while.

Many times of the day this site doesn't even cross my mind (surprise non?). Sometimes it crosses my mind and it would seem like posting is the most trivial, stupid thing I could do. No one is posting. No one is coming back. Then there is that time (like now) where I throw on some music and just start typing. X.com is a goner. I am thoroughly thrilled with that. That site is the worst. It did provide 10-30 min. pockets of something. Really just sapping me of spirit 10-30 min. at a time. I have to find something to fill those gaps and even though I am in the moment posting right now I hope to God it isn't this.

I am still recovering from 2 surgeries. It is 90+ degrees outside. My lower back, hips, and hamstrings are so God damn tight it hurts.

The gratitude seems to be straining at the moment. I am happy to be breathing. It is just a bitch to be breathing sometimes. Not that breathing is even that difficult at the moment. My surgeries were a week ago. My memory isn't that short. I'm going out to get some Thai food at 5pm. That just seems like an impossibly long time away at the moment. I would make some music but I don't even know if I should sing with a hernia. I would write but I don't know what to write God damnit. My friend says I should write a short story about my VIKING PRINCESS at the gym - who I won't see for 6 weeks.

I am reading Faulkner which is good. I am thinking about reading the Bible next or maybe Ulysses by Joyce. I'm kind of into reading interesting voices lately. The Road by McCarthy was quite good in its own way too.

Getting wheeled up to the operation room is an intense situation. Getting met by the Anasthesiologist with his list of questions. Like, "Here goes buddy!" Getting wheeled into the operating room. "Breathe deep, keep breathing, breath deep! (you are going under, you might die)" You might die. Yeah, you might die. You might die. I'm glad I got that enraged bastard appendix out but recovery is tough. If you asked me if I was recovered a week and a half later I would say no. I just started sleeping on my right side.

Where did the gratitude go? I was filled with gratitude the day after my surgery even though I was confined to a bed, confined to an iv, confined to stare at a blue curtain all day. It seems like now I am back to the scared little anxiety infused chimpanzee that has the mind to think about Non-Oedipus: Schizophrenia and Capitalism by Delueze and Guatarri and comprehend Absalom, Absalom! by Faulkner but can't seem to figure out much else. Maybe that is the problem. I'm always trying to figure stuff out instead of just doing it.

On August 30 2026 19:56 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On August 30 2026 11:27 KeyleK_uk wrote: get well soon! Have you seen fallout and/or the expanse for TV recommendations. On a side note i have been with 3 people with appendicitis' first one i had no idea but i diagnosed the other ones within a couple of hours. The second time i was Sunday MTT grinding with a friend and during the break he said "im just going to have a lay down on the floor during the break because in too much pain." That was when i was pretty sure it was an appendicitis lol. Amazingly he messaged Stars with his hospital notes etc and they refunded all of his buyins (about 1200 usd). Thanks mate ^^! I was never into the Fallout genre but The Expanse looks super good. I'd like to see a world that has blown up across the solar system politically, etc.

The expanse is super good, to be honest it took me a few goes to get into it, i got a few episodes in and a few months later started again... Same thing happened to me with the Wire however many years ago and then you get to a certain point and just cant turn it off. I think its because both have many characters and stories it takes a while to get emotionally invested in the shows even if you can see the quality is there.

I didn't know The Expanse was a book series first. If it's worth it I would probably rather read the book series first.

On September 04 2026 23:59 RiKD wrote: I didn't know The Expanse was a book series first. If it's worth it I would probably rather read the book series first.

I didnt know also, lol. Thanks.

So, my brother keeps trying to get me to consume this Manhwa Tower of God. It has potential but I absolute hate the medium of Webtoons. I despise the scrolling mechanics. I am trying to avoid scrolling on my phone in any form. I could get it on my computer. I may do that someday but for now I bought some backup for the boredom: Berserk and Saga. I'm jumping back in. I finished the Saga compendium ages ago and was going to let it catch up a bit but now I'm in for Vol. 10 and probably 11 and 12. Berserk I am holding off of until I finish the Saga even though I think I love it more than Saga. I have read the first 3 volumes so have 11 volumes left. That is like $400 I don't want to spend. Saga Vol. 10 is $10 for 160 pages in a medium that I love: paperback. Similar to the graphic novels I loved as a kid. Saga Compendium Vol. 1 - Vol. 9 is a fucking brick which took a little away from the reading experience but it's all good.

Aktually, I can probably get Berserk on an inter-library loan. Ship it.

I just looked it up. I don't even need an interlibrary loan. They have it at the branch. Libraries are awesome!

I had some tenderness on my lower left abdomen area for a week or so, but it recently went away. I have been monitoring it lately.

Were you recommended to do or not do something by your doctor? Like, don't eat certain foods, or don't stay on your feet for extended periods of time?

I have no idea what that could be. Appendicitis is lower right abdomen and the pain is pretty bad. I was recommended to not lift anything over 5 to 10 pounds for 6 weeks and no strenuous activity for 6 weeks. They also found that I had a hernia and did surgery on that too.

probably cancer

Well, since all I can really do is take gentle walks and read novels that's what I've been doing. Finished Absalom, Absalom! by Faulkner a while ago. Same with The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Absalom, Absalom! is a masterpiece and The Road isn't far off. I just finished Light in August by Faulkner. That is pretty good too. A fine novelly novel by Faulkner. Now, I'm on to No Country For Old Men by McCarthy. I've got Saga Vol. 10 sitting on the table downstairs, and I've got a hold on Berserk down at the local library. Pretty good place to be I guess. There is still time for white tea and LP.

I got the rotation moving along although I finished No Country For Old Men. Decent book. Well, better than decent. I'm almost finished with Saga Vol. 10 as well. Still have plenty to go in Berserk 4 Deluxe Edition. I just slotted in Outer Dark by Cormac McCarthy. Not sure about it yet. The writing is quite different to his later years. I'm only like 25 pages in.

In other news, I am cleared for all activity. Probably, going back to work next week.

glad you are better rikd grats

It feels like I'm about all used up with this novelette I've been workin' on. I don't feel like paying for beta readers on fiverr either. So, it sits in the drawer. I'm ok with that.

The next creative writing project has not seemed to materialize yet. That is ok too. To be honest, I haven't spent much time with the blank page. I've been busy readin'. I've got half of a novel sittin'. It's too messed up for wantin' to bother with it. I'm sure it's got some bright spots but for now and forever probably just gonna sit there at 33,000 words.

Someone suggested getting an MfA in Creative Writing. I don't think I want to go down that path. Someone suggested getting a PhD in English. I really have no idea if that is a good idea.

I guess I am processing stuff with these blogs. Allegedly processing stuff with these blogs. I look at the life of Cormac McCarthy. He had nothing to do with TV, the Internet, or technology and had countless hobbies he was excellent at, read approximately 16,000 books, wrote 12 probably great novels, fellow at the Sante Fe Institute, etc. He never had a blog. He never ran to the internet. I strive for that. It's why I am posting less. It's why I got the hell off of x.com. Writing on here or running to the internet is a surrogate for writing or reading for real. But it's not like I can just read Blood Meridian for 12 hours a day. I'm out of my writing practice. It's not like it's realistic to write 2,000 words a day at the moment or maybe ever. I'm not Brandon Sanderson or Steven King.

The more I post. The more I check. The more I check. The more I post. Runnin' off to the internet more and more. Runnin' off my mouth more and more.

On September 06 2026 03:48 PuertoRican wrote: I had some tenderness on my lower left abdomen area for a week or so, but it recently went away. I have been monitoring it lately. Were you recommended to do or not do something by your doctor? Like, don't eat certain foods, or don't stay on your feet for extended periods of time?

Yeah, appendicitis lower right abdomen and its not slow either.
Lower left abdomen is the most common place for pain as its where your intestine gets the smallest, more fibre, exercise, sleep, water and less stress are the best cures

On September 16 2026 23:27 KeyleK_uk wrote: Show nested quote + On September 06 2026 03:48 PuertoRican wrote: I had some tenderness on my lower left abdomen area for a week or so, but it recently went away. I have been monitoring it lately. Were you recommended to do or not do something by your doctor? Like, don't eat certain foods, or don't stay on your feet for extended periods of time? Yeah, appendicitis lower right abdomen and its not slow either. Lower left abdomen is the most common place for pain as its where your intestine gets the smallest, more fibre, exercise, sleep, water and less stress are the best cures

It feels like I haven't written one of these in a while. I'm kind of caught between waiting for someone to call me back and waiting to go to sleep (and waiting to die). I feel fragile. I'm back at work. I guess this blog has come full circle.

I am still sloggin' through Blood Meridian. Jesus, this thing is violent and disturbing. That has basically been my life: go to work, get through Blood Meridian, watch some YouTube videos on writing, never write. I still feel used up on the novelette. That is fine. There are so many books I want to read right now. I feel like I need a better education in writing from these things. The bonus is they are enjoyable to read as well. It really feels like my next project has to be a novel. I just need to figure out when to get the writing in and I also need to have some concept of what I'm writing. Ok. I'll shut up about writing. I could be writing right now but instead I'm on here...

But, I'll indulge here for a moment. There isn't much to indulge in. I already said most of it. I feel fragile. I am getting older and I feel fragile.

The anxiety is real. I'm all gunked up. Over simple shit too. Like work which should be routine at this point. I read somewhere recently that some authors will just shit out journal entries to de-gunk the system so they can write without ambition. It might work but that sounds kind of gay. Like this journal entry is gay. Some will yell at me to "man up," or "stop being a pussy," but that is just how I am wired. I'm sensitive. I'm full of anxiety. I doubt Faulkner or McCarthy or Fucking Thomas Pynchon ever did shit like write pages of journals before they wrote.

I finished Blood Meridian. I am kind of shook by it. That is a helluva novel. Violent and disturbing as all hell but damn that prose and the total package is a beast. I think I am feeling fragile in part of the fact I had my appendix out about a month ago but also that damn novel. It's actually kind of difficult to refute judge Holden and if you did he may just kill you both proving his point and also ending your life. We are a lot more fragile than we like to admit. Even an expert mixed martial artist and an expert gunsman carrying weapons where ever they go is still fragile. If you live by the sword you die by the sword. If you turn the other cheek you may die too. The meek supposedly inherit the Earth. Maybe they inherit the Kingdom of God if you believe in that sort of thing. The Kingdom of God is within you if you believe in that sort of thing.

I think that maybe I am getting the gunk out. That is good if I am getting de-gunked but maybe it is bad that I just keep coming back here for more and more. It is an ongoing thing for like 20 years now. It seems to be an addiction. If I give this up how does it effect everything else? I'm completely off of social media and most of the internet besides YouTube and here. I think sometimes existence will flare up and a blog post like this is bound to burst out at some point.

A funny thing about the novel I was working on is that all the characters were a facet of me which is totally normal but they all had the same voice which is laughably bad. It was an insanely ambitious effort that I didn't have the skill to back it up. I could fix it but it would more or less take a complete re-write. I would like to write about something other than addiction and recovery too. No one has done it better than David Foster Wallace so why even bother with it. He's already done it. Time to move on. It would be like attempting to write a book about wale hunting. Herman Mellville, Moby Dick, DUH! It is tricky to find something no one has written about. I think my novelette captures some authenticity which is its strength. It's hard to find topics and themes that have not been written about. I mean you'll never find me writing a Blood Meridian. Just disturbingly violent but man, oh, man is that style on point. I wish I could write prose on landscapes that strongly. Judge Holden is one of the strongest characters in literary fiction. So, everything has been written about or has it? Literary fiction is dead?

Mirtazapine and a wank has got me feelin' pretty calm. I realize I should probably start a new blog as my appendix was out like 5 weeks ago and I am mostly recovered but there is no one around to care. Remember when message boards were the fucking thing or at least a fucking thing?

I am still trying to figure out how to write transformative literature. I don't really want to write about addiction or recovery. I want to write about fascination. I don't want to just tell a great story. I want to write something transformative. I want to write an 800 page novel better than Moby Dick, better than the Brother's Karamazov, better than Infinite Jest. The problem is I don't have the skills to achieve that. That's fine. I'll eventually figure something out or I won't. Maybe like 50,000 words is more approachable. I could probably figure out how to write something that encompasses 50,000 words.

Remember when message boards were in?

What is even in these days?

I don't watch TV, I don't go on social media, I don't really use much in terms of the latest technology. What is even in these days?

My life is pretty thin. I go for walks and read books. Pretty thin indeed. I yearn for deeper connection with humans. I'm just not quite there yet.

Listening to Sia Breathe Me drinking like a thousand white teas. It's a vibe. Work was tough this weekend. It just doesn't fucking stop (until it does and I can go home). I think that might be my favorite part of the day. Walking out of that place and driving home. It doesn't quite hit me that I have barely anything to do when I get home. No human connection besides phone calls which isn't real human connection. Typing bull shit in here which isn't real human connection. I got so fed up with today I wanted to kick something. I should be reading Moby Dick. Actually, it doesn't fucking matter. Radiohead Reckoner is blasting in my expensive headphones. White tea is coursing through my veins. I hope this gets me to page 3. I've had about enough of page 2. I could post a bunch of images but I don't think I am going to do that.

I'm basking in a minute of freedom. And I choose to type here. I could type whatever I want. That is some form of freedom.

I'm free to post music!



White tea makes me feel safe and cozy.

The internet is always a surrogate for real life!

Boredom is not my enemy, nihilism is!



I had a thought tonight that I should stop at the liquor store and buy all the whiskey, buy all the cigars, and have myself a good night. Then, I thought that I should not drink whiskey even though I want to. Then, I thought I could probably get away with smoking some cigars on the patio. Just sit there enjoying a cigar having myself a think. Listening to the night sounds and staring off into the darkness. Maybe that could stave off the darkness.

Mirtazapine and a wank have got me even calmer. What am I going to do about this life? Sit outside with a cigar and contemplate?

We have no idea how to live this life and we never will.

A sweater and some jeans on an autumn evening.

Writing is hard. I wrote like 400 words after work last night and I've written about 1,000 today. Some of it is good. Some of it is not. When I am in discover mode I do basically 0 revisions and just get it down on the page. It's hard to have any sort of routine when I work but I have to work so that is the way it's going to be. I am not Steven King or Brandon Sanderson and actually I am not sure if I would want to be them anyways.

The scary thing is that I am flirting with veering off into pseudo-nihilism. I can feel the resentments building. The walks work, the reading works, the writing is probably working. I'm trying to build something transformative. Dostoevsky flirts with nihilism but he transcends. I want to transcend nihilism. I am glad I read all of those existentialist books but damn I don't want to linger there for too long but I don't know what I want. Maybe it's impossible to accurately predict what I want.

It's impossible to accurately predict what I want.

I don't know how to live life and I never will.

A hoodie at a bonfire.

I know how to live life when I am wearing a hoodie at a bonfire.

I think I am about done with creative writing for today. I put in a little over 1,000 words. Faulkner had a tip to stop writing when you are still feeling good so it's not as torturous and you have a good feeling to come back and write again. Once the Mirtazapine and white tea hit I should really be focusing on winding down for the night versus creative productivity. A blog post doesn't really matter yet it kind of settles me. I like this idea of de-gunking myself. A walk or a lift does a similar thing but it's night time. I haven't lifted in quite a while because I am nervous about the hernia I acquired. I don't know if it was from work or lifting or singing or something else.

The clear play now is to continue reading Moby Dick by Mellville.

But, not quite yet. I don't really have a whole lot to write about. I am still anxious about work and life. I am just an anxious guy. I don't know how to get through it except for just surviving through it.

Protomartyr, Emma Ruth Rundle, and Chelsea Wofle have new albums out. I am trying to play catch up with some listens.

I am trying to decide if I want to take electric bass lessons or piano lessons. Both have reasons for and against. It's kind of a close one actually. I have decided I want a musical facet in my life besides just listening to music.

Reading is going just fine. Writing is a little more difficult. The characters are great but there is no plot. I just keep writing these scenes hoping something will happen.

Simone Weil.