As I sit here listening to Emma Ruth Rundle - Marked For Death (Album) I realize that yes I am marked for death and sometimes it is hard to believe that someone would "pick" me in light of this fact that I am in fact marked for death or for many other reasons. Why would I pick them? They that are also marked for death and for many other reasons?
Something that has been bothering me is that in the letter that the manager wrote she wrote that I was a "Can Do" person with a great attitude and that I never say no to things. I feel that at work I am a Non-Playable Character or some autistic performance-machine.
Not to say that I don't enjoy the Other at work. I hate the word authentic but I try not to put up a schtick or act as if an employee in this area is supposed to act. But, I do have customer service training and sales training. I always kind of liked how retail acted in Paris or Buenos Aires. The sort of labor I am doing is not really the kind to fuck up a whole consciousness but in a way it does. I've been through this a million times but when I am working there is close to zero leisure time. My time off work is a rest from work but also rest for work. It's rare to truly get out of the grips of this. The problem is when I am unemployed I have plenty of time for leisure but no money to even survive or at least in my circumstances keep a sane mind without being thoroughly crushed by capital.
The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.
The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.
The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.
I have to say having some sort of dating life is a plus. It's kind of like the movie Anomalisa where a guy is caught in the world of the same until he finally meets someone who is different. Great film. Worth a watch. My grit to leave the house and be among people is lifting me out of my isolated, cynical depression and it feels really great.
I don't think I am a pushover at work it's just that people ask reasonable questions in the context of work. I have a "can do" attitude probably because that's how I was raised. It's funny though after all these years I still don't want to be a loser. Who wants to be a loser? Maybe I still am a loser in the overall hierarchal sense but I am not a loser in this little sphere at work and I am not a loser in AA. I am just saying the burnout and the depression are one in the same. It sucks that I need to force myself to connect but maybe if the pain is not great enough there is no impetus to change.
There is a feeling that I am in an ok place. So, what if I flirt with autistic performance-machine at work if I am not undead when I leave. Maybe the Other is enough. Maybe I just might make it out of here with out killing myself. I hate saying "yes" or "yes I can" at work. I am not free. I feel like this blog was written with some thought but also some compulsion. Compulsion is the opposite of freedom. I do feel free when I write listening to music that I was free to choose or compelled to choose by the mood. I feel free. I feel free.
I'm teetering on coping with being alone and with myself in the same versus shooting into a mania. I don't want to shoot into a mania or spiral into a depression and all I can think to do is post digital trash and hang out with people when I can and not try to out-do myself at work tomorrow. I'm back to listening to early NIN so yes, I am flirting with self-destruction. In reality, there is self-love still there. There is a soul that wants to over come. I am only tired of myself in the context of being here, in the same. I am not tired of possibilities. Let's hope that they are not false possibilities. Saying "yes" at work in some parts feels empowering but it is then that I know my shackles. Saying "yes" to adventure is exciting.
My therapist told me today that I am doing better than I think I am. I think she is perhaps comparing me to her stable of clients. Which seems ... I want to contemplate slowly, to linger, but it seems that I can easily stir it up to something new or fast or strange or hectic. The ladder feels more alive. The former is a better state to be in.
The funny thing about the song Closer by NIN is that it was being played at frat parties and strip clubs. It's really a song about self-hatred and self-loathing. Which maybe frat parties and strip clubs are the perfect place for it to be played.
I went down to the beach today for a walk. The stink of human overcame the sea breeze air. It was like a carnival or a county fair down there at the beach today. Many fats playing their music way too loud in a crowded area like that. It's too fucking hot here.
I worked at like 85% today. Which is better than most but I don't want to be in competition with myself or others. I didn't try to out-do myself today even though the District Manager was in town. I feel a lot better today after work. I don't feel burnt out or depressed or even tired. There is a comfort to my chair, my 30'' monitor, my keyboard, my mouse, my lamp but faced with the same digital shit as every other night leads to loneliness, boredom, depression. Not even a profound boredom that urges me to dance, to sing, to create. Just a boredom that urges me to click something else and maybe that will work. Like the rat or the bird or the human constantly clicking the button for food or cocaine or The Entertainment.
I've got to wind down damn it! I've got the clothes in the washing machine letting my dinner digest. It's the best I can do. Preparing for sleep. Preparing for work tomorrow. Of course, I played my guitar. I'll do some reading...
What is leisure?
I think leisure is different than simply "free time." People doing something from compulsion are not free.
Sometimes it is as easy as walking into magic. (It's easier than one might think). As easy as a song vibrating. A fresh peach. We have to get un-winded. Shoulders down and back.
Guess what? I don't have to beat my perfect score at work. In fact, I start experiencing extreme anxiety at the thought of always having to out-do my best score. What makes you happy? What is enough? Well, I put in a good enough score down at the office. Then, I do some things I like and hang out with people and get involved in the community. That's it. That's it.
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hiems United States. Jul 20 2022 13:10. Posts 2979
Rikd how was ur date
I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]
It's useless information. It's all useless information.
You know what isn't useless information?
Sitting on a patio in perfect weather and talking to a fascinating woman (Other) for hours. There was a hint of Eros in the air. Her deep, large eyes and manner of being transcend.
Certainly beats sitting here in the same scrolling for useless information.
AUTHENTICITY IS NOT WHAT IPHONE CASE BEST REPRESENTS YOUR ESSENCE YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT!
AUTHENTICITY IS NOT HOW MANY SITES YOU SAW IN 8 HOURS IN PARIS YOU FUCKING CLOD!
AUTHENTICITY IS NOT YOUR HAIRCUT, YOUR SHOES, OR YOUR CAR IDIOT!
Authenticity is how much time you have. This is mostly credited to Heidegger. The same Heidegger when asked by a student, "How does one become authentic?"
Heidegger responded, "Take walks in a graveyard."
It's about time and how much of it we have.
I feel sorry for the people that always complain they don't have any time. They are probably lost for forever. Where and when will they get any time?
****
I have to say this woman has been on my mind. She is smart, self-aware, funny. Her dark black eyes hold magic and mystery. With distance and duration I am seduced by her scent. There is a chance that she is my femme fatale but that just makes it all the more fun until I am destroyed. Hopefully, I meet some more women in the next few weeks to put things in perspective.
****
Here is a song in honor of not zapping around our time here on Earth including not frantically trying to out-do our performance at work and certainly not trying to win any experience races:
Thanks for the vocab but femme fatale, no rikd. Think with ur mind n heart don’t let her destroy u for a pleasure the flesh
Yea agreed time is most precious, and I have a bit too much free time in the past but not really atm. Being productive and happy now. But I still have some time for Lp lol when I’m bored
my karma is done, now time to enjoy life, peace is the way karma is a way Jesus is a way
United States. Jul 18 2022 04:00. Posts 8535
