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Protect me from what I want

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RiKD    United States. Aug 28 2021 03:52. Posts 7522
I was at a museum with a Jenny Holzer exhibit and it peaked my interest. Google attributes Holzer with the quote "Protect me from what I want." Google also said that Picasso said that. I don't know. I always thought that it was Byung-Chul Han that said that.

I have been re-reading some of Han's work and it has been pleasing.

I still love his idea of work and leisure. Especially for the self achievement subject, the entrepreneur of the self, the "free" self-exploiter.

There is no leisure with work. A break from work is nothing but a period of time to rest so that even more work can be done. It's the same with the night off and the weekend. It's bloody the same with the Frenchman who takes August off for vacation.

I think I have probably had about 500 days away from work at this point. Not all of that leisure because even at the beginning there was a fear of going back to work. Then there was the fear of running out of money and having to go back to work. I think there was a sweet spot in there somewhere when I was released from the grips of work anxiety on both ends and it was quite lovely although we were also under the grips of Covid and isolation.

There was a Yale course I took that talked about the 5 things most needed to live a better life.

- sleep
- exercise
- human connection
- mindfulness
- gratitude

It seemed reasonable enough and it was backed up by some science.

Working hinders a lot of this stuff.

I think the key to what Han is saying is that any work and leisure is ruined. And, I really should be using the term wage labor instead of work. Many of us have a lot we would like to work on but do not have the time, focus, money.

I am just saying there was a sweet spot in Covid where I had plenty of money and my parents were afraid of catching it that I had some semblance of freedom. I would say I hit a period of leisure albeit leisure in the midsts of a pandemic that I really relish. Perhaps it has damaged some of my future opportunities in certain areas but it is not worth it to worry about. There is nothing to be done about it.

I want to be able to say "at my leisure" or "I would prefer not to" (Bartelby The Scrivener - Mellville). That is the power that I would like to have in my life. I don't know. I am unsure if guys like me ever accumulate "Fuck you" money. I just have to kind of bang around in the world and come across something that will keep me going. I have not touched python in 2 weeks. Python is certainly intriguing. This macbook pro is about to die and I do not plan on ever buying another Apple product ever again so I might start all over on my desktop. Then the question will be do I go Linux or Microsoft. I hate microsoft but I have never used Linux so it is sort of a dilemma unless Linux Ubuntu really is the shit.


I wish to have a good life not necessarily a long life.


A byproduct of Will to Power is exploitation whether that is self-exploitation or exploiting Others.

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RiKD    United States. Aug 28 2021 15:03. Posts 7522

I just read a chapter of a good book and lie there lingering for some time before I dozed off for a bit. Nothing particularly on my conscience besides the fragrance of contemplation before I fell asleep and a new consciousness when I awoke.

Calm, ease, idle, stable.

There is no labor to be done anytime soon although the thought of it and writing it out does involve a jolt of anxiety that one day I will be back in it. Activity, busyness, restlessness, worry, neurosis, anxiety, depression.

I'm doomed to be a negative net-worth untouchable with 0 credit or doomed to be a negative net-worth slave to the system...

It is a dilemma.

The leisure really isn't worth it if I can't do anything with my time. However, working for someone else brings suicidal tendencies.

I have lost my quiet serenity. Until next time...

Spitfiree   Bulgaria. Aug 28 2021 15:53. Posts 9634

Sounds to me like you can benefit from this book

RiKD    United States. Aug 28 2021 16:49. Posts 7522


I read a portion of that book and then never really went back to it.

Doesn't he say that meaning is what we give meaning to?

When he was in the concentration camp he gave meaning to survival. It is not like it's possible to live the good life in a Nazi concentration camp. I probably would have been one of the many that got depressed and burnt up in a gas chamber.

So, "meaning is what we give meaning to" is all well and good but most people are looking for meaning beyond that. Something divine. If we are just looking for terrestrial meaning so we don't lose HOPE we can cope with Frankl's definition but in reality coping with terrestrial meaning seems foolish to me and we should accept no terrestrial meaning and live our lives according to that. I don't value Frankl's existence anymore than anyone of the people in the concentration camp that virtually gave up or did whatever to virtually assure their death. I did not read all of Frankl's story and there is a real attractive element of fortitude but it also takes fortitude to die a quiet death.

RiKD    United States. Aug 28 2021 17:11. Posts 7522

It appears as if I have gone back to some hedonistic nihilist type of base. I am not sure if that is true. I have travelled beyond Kantian ethics but where to?

I am a lost compabitlist trapped in NEETdom.

Perhaps I am a simple hedonist living for low hedonic adaptation (food, masturbation). Man, if I can just gaze upon Jade Kush and have a nice hand job until orgasm and get some good Italian food maybe this existence thing is worth it?

I dread all of these people asking questions like "You staying busy?" as if busy is a proper highest value of society. "You have to stay busy... that is the key!"

Why would someone who is retired worry so much about staying busy?

Post-employment is actually proper leisure. If things were done correctly there is no worry of going broke from the last day of employment until death. That is a pretty fucking good block of leisure. Why are all these bozos ruining it with busyness and stupid cliches?

RiKD    United States. Aug 29 2021 02:32. Posts 7522

I search and I search Fred (Nietzsche) for knowledge. While Eternal Recurrence is supposed to treat "nihilism" it does very little for me besides instill an idea. As I seek further I find this:

"No, life has not disappointed me… ever since the day when the great liberator came to me: the idea that life could be an experiment for the seeker for knowledge…." (Gay Science 324)

I am going through a rough experiment at the moment but the shame is not too great to make a good cut through the belly enough to kill me and so I overcome (myself/resistance).

RiKD    United States. Aug 29 2021 03:37. Posts 7522

Another thing from reading Han:

I don't know if my character is in danger (it very well could be) but certainly a stable self-image is at risk for me.

Somewhat related:

I let my hair down today and had a very good hair day. It certainly pleased my vanity. I caught myself looking in mirrors and car windows more often than I normally would by a lot. I actually left the house to eat dinner and drink local sodas with some people at a winery for once. I was complimented on my hair and fashion. It was re-assuring that I was with Others and ok. It would be absurd to create identities or be some sort of shape shifter around actual Others in real life and there was not really any explicit head nod that my authenticity and spirit were acceptable but everything was just ok. This is what contributes to a stable self-image and character not blogging pseudonymously but I just need to get some things down on paper at this point. It is worthy to note that being ok with Others is actually much more important than forming my identity around my hair and fashion even though the ladder was explicitly noted while my authenticity, spirit, and enjoyable company will mostly stay implicit.

Spitfiree   Bulgaria. Sep 01 2021 23:14. Posts 9634

In all fairness chances are that anyone that went there would've gotten burnt up, he mostly gave meaning to suffering and some 'major' goals but don't know how to feel about his personal thoughts considering he had a chance to flee the country with his wife, but instead preferred to stay with his elderly parents resulting in all of them dying and him living... and he knew very well what happens to jews at that point too, it's extremely hard not to judge him on that. Whole notion of mind over matter is really strong though

Loco   Canada. Sep 02 2021 02:00. Posts 20860

here's the book

The medium is the message 

RiKD    United States. Sep 02 2021 04:42. Posts 7522

Thank you


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