Fuck fashion. Fuck social media. Fuck it all. Fuck capitalism.
Yet, I am still on Tinder. I found out the other day that they found out that the "swipe right" motion creates a dopamine hit. Angry Birds, Tinder, Instagram.....
I'm close to going straight up born again. Except the stoic approach seems so much more rational than prayer. Jesus is the fucking man though. I want to start my own Church but I'm not qualified. I just want to be a part of it. It would probably be like a Unitarian Church but with great music. Actually, that probably already exists in my city.
I go back and forth between "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius and "The Kingdom of God Is Within Us" by Leo Tolstoy.
Here are Tolstoy's Five Christ Commandments:
1. “Be at peace with all men, and never consider your anger as just. Never look upon any man as worthless or a fool, neither call him such. Not only shall you never think yourself justified in your anger, but also you shall never consider your brother’s anger as causeless; and therefore, if there is one who is angry with you, even if it is without cause, go and be reconciled to him before praying. Endeavor to destroy all enmity between yourself and others, that their enmity may not grow and destroy you.” Matthew 5:21-26
2. “Take no pleasure in concupiscence; let each man, if he is not a eunuch, have a wife and each woman a husband; let a man have but one wife, and woman one husband, and let them never under any pretext whatever dissolve their union.” Matthew 5:32
3. “Never take an oath under any circumstances. Every oath is extorted from men for evil.” Matthew 5: 33-37
4. “Never resist evil by violence; never return violence for violence. If anyone strikes your, bear it; it anyone takes away what is yours, let him have it; if anyone makes you labor, do so; if anyone wants to have what you consider to be your own, give it up to him.” Matthew 5: 38-42
5. “Never consider men of another nation as your enemies; look upon all men as you do toward your fellow-country men; therefore you shall not kill those whom you call your enemies; love all and do good to all.” Matthew 5:43-48
I think after a cursory view life would be happier following these principles. I think resist not evil is the most controversial. I would hope we could discuss it here.
But in a way I can't argue with the likes of Zeno, Seneca, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius. That feels more natural. I almost wish I could have some delusional trust in God. This "Grace" that comes with putting everything into God. God as Father, God as Employer.... No fear except fear of God. I mean.... I used to love loving-kindness meditations. I could see prayer being similar to that. I could probably write less blog posts if I prayed. But I don't actually believe that God is out there somewhere listening to my prayers.
I'm just trying to be me. In this crazy world. This crazy fucking universe. Is that an impossible task? Culture is not my God. Fuck culture. A bunch of white males sitting on billions of dollars. That's who creates culture. Culture is not my God. Yet, I have tattoos and wear Tommy Bahama shorts and Bread and Boxer shirts. I read about it in a magazine. Fuck magazines. Fuck Conde Naste Traveler. I'm swiping right with all the rest of the sad lot. I try to shop at Goodwill but there is just nothing really there. Trying to be me. Trying to shop at Goodwill. A lot of trying going on. There is no try only do or do not. Culture is not my God. Fuck Culture. Let me move out to Montana on a bunch of acres like Gogol's Nose. I wonder what ever happened to Gogol's Nose?
You have to have capital to do a lot in this world. I almost feel like my employer's health insurance is a scam to keep me in medical debt so I have to keep working. How the hell am I going to get out to Montana or Wyoming?
Sometimes I think I either need to become a minister or an artist. Van Gogh did both and still shot himself in the chest. It's stories like that that make me wonder if there is a way out for me. I mean I'm not getting out of this alive but maybe it would be nice to have a family or maybe not. Who the fuck knows. Some people to drink coffee with and talk. One thing about going born again is I will be the darling of all the AA circles.... I just want to study butterflies. Be in awe of their beauty.
Culture is not my God. But it still controls me to a degree. I think the less culture controls me the better off I am. If I can find others. Being an isolated recluse is not a whole lot of fun. I don't favor a solitary life that is just how the cookie has crumbled. That's the dichotomy here. If I renounce culture then in a way I renounce contemporary people. The other culture-less recluses and I will never meet.
I love this song:
I don't have internet right now but it is:
"Just Let Me Dance" - Scandal (Maxxi Soundsystem Remix)
I would like to dance more. I am not quite sure how to accomplish this.
The first time I heard this song was on an Avicci podcast way back when. Maybe like 2010. That suicide definitely resonated with me because he seemed to have a pretty good life. Also, if I am not mistaken he slit his wrists with a broken wine bottle which is definitely a way I would do it. I thought about doing that late in my drinking career all sprawled out on the couch miserable the alcohol no longer having its desired effect. You get angry. Smash a bottle on the ground and cut some arteries sounds like a great plan.
There is a difference between someone who has 2 months to live and is bed ridden with horrible pain and someone like Avicci. It doesn't matter if the latter is currently in bad experience. No experience is not better if it annihilates.
I never really said it yet but capital and capitalism is behind it all. Capital and capitalism is not my God.
Who is my God?
Fuck if I know.
Spiritual progression I would say has been fruitful. A conglomerate of spirituality to hold off the conglomerate of neoliberal capitalism. There will always be darkness in the world. Suffering, pain, misery. It feels like I am getting close to the answer. But I'm not sure there is an answer. And it is also a very individualistic thing but also the overall practice in general could be one size fits all perhaps. Meaning the problem may look simple but it is actually very complicated. And the answer could be simplified but it can't be simplified to get a true answer. I haven't come across the answer yet. I don't believe in Utopia. Hell, we are all doomed sooner than later. Climate change is coming. I need help. I really do. With more than 1 thing. With a lot of things. I just think if we can mix like the wisdom of the stoics with Jesus and "God" we are onto something. Not to forget the Taoists, Buddhists, Existentialists. It can all kind of go together. Mixing Jesus with Nietzsche? I want to be like a progressive Christian edgelord that takes into account all sources not just the piece of shit Bible.
"fuck culture" then proceeds to bitch about white men and you see capitalism as the heart of evil, for such thing to exist you must also believe in a god and SJW culture is your god.
I don't know who the sickest is out of those guys. They are some sick fucks though. Capitalism and these guys are complicit in a lot of shit in this world.
Sweatshops on sweatshops on sweatshops on sweatshops. Child kidnappings and slave labor.....
All so some woman can walk around in Whole Foods with a Louie Vuitton bag, Nike sneakers, on Instagram on her iPhone11 all for what? I think the tone sounds like I have contempt for this woman but I really have contempt for the system that creates this woman. I feel sick. I feel sad. I can't let Culture be my God. I want no part of it. If SJW culture is the opposite of that where do I sign up? It won't be my God. My God has to come from the spiritual and nature. But if SJW culture is the opposite of the above white billionaire culture that sounds like they might be some culture-less recluses I could be friends with.
Well, it's official: Car repair is bringing my bank account down to more or less $0. I'm -$x,xxx in medical debt. Officially, living paycheck to paycheck for a while. Just when i thought I was getting some living expenses under my belt and it's all gone. Such is life. The stoics tell me I should love my fate. I'm having a hard time with that. The Jesus freaks say I should pray. That seems like a sick joke. I wonder how many Americans are living paycheck to paycheck with some form of debt whether that be student loans or medical debt? I want to destroy something pretty about now. Not Jared Leto's face. I want to flip some Mercedes Benz and set shit on fire. Get into some Edukators type of shit. I don't think most people understand. Lou certainly doesn't understand. Lou doesn't know where I've been. When are the million+ protests in the USA going to be? Oh, there's too many temporarily embarrassed future millionaires taking pictures of their Jordans with their iPhone 11 to post on Instagram. Waiting for the likes, needing the likes, pining for the likes. Slaves. Not even wage slaves forced to work for food but just fucking slaves. Oh, Virgil Abloh he's a cool guy. Now, I'll pine for fucking whatever he designs and drink Hennessey. We need raves, we need fucking protests. Whatever happened to Occupy Wall Street? Now, the detractors can say I don't do shit but sit here and whine and maybe that is partly true but I have to organize my thoughts. I have to get rid of some steam or I will pop. When do I change paragraphs in a rant? I don't want to fucking change paragraphs but I will.
Fuck you capitalism! How many people here have ever been in a proper forest? I am talking like a national park or a state park or just a genuine Forest? That's where I want to be. So pure. These forests are what is keeping us alive. Yet, we are clearing away rain forest in Brazil at alarming rates. For what? So more cattle can graze? So McDonald's can make more money? Fucking abysmal man. That's just one example. I feel free in forests. Serene.
How did I get here?
Summer's gone.
How did I get here?
Really. How did I get here?
Love my fate? I'll punch Marcus Aurelius in the chin. Lol. I'm just kidding Marcus is great.
It is time for revolution though. Not R Revolution but our revolution. It will always be time for our revolution.
I could do more. I could do less. So, it is what it is. I value painting over Food Not Bombs. I might be losing my mind.... Come and see the freak show everybody. Price of admission is FREE!
Oh... what?.... sorry.... I had to take a Tinder intermission. Fooking 'ell man. These fucking apps on my fucking phone. I need to rid myself of all of them except for maybe Waze. How do people do it that have facebook, Twitter, Instagram, snapchat, Tinder, etc. etc. ? Or is it all interconnected?
This last month I got sick of eating peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwiches so expenses go up. Shopping at Goodwill and eating PBJ&B every meal is rough. Luckily winter is coming up and I have plenty of pants and hoodies I can wear. I have virtually nothing anymore to go clubbing or go out to a nice restaurant. Fuck that. But I don't want to just eat PBJ&B either. I could use to skip a few meals anyways. I stress eat a lot and am addicted to sweet teas. A big milestone was letting my GQ subscription expire. That magazine was skilled at fueling my slavery to fashion even if like 80%+ of the magazine was absurd.
Another song Avicii curated for me back in the day. RIP.
hmmmmm....
So, how do I get help for all of this? Medical help is just putting me in debt. There really is a chance I end up like the Joker if I stop getting medical help though. I guess I just keep reading the stoics. A part of me still wants to be reborn. How great it would be to walk in that pink cloud? I don't think my reason will allow it though. I do need to continue to grow spiritually though. It just feels like something I need to do even though I don't even know what that looks like. Moving to Jackson Hole, Wyoming and going for long hikes in the mountains is calling my name. Or something like it. Something different. Although with the car repairs I am chained here. That makes me restless. Like an animal in a cage. One time when I was manic and in the psych ward feeling this way I yelled "Bulls on Parade!" and tried to crash through the wall. I don't know what happened to the wall. They reprimanded me pretty quickly. I did know that I had not escaped. I just want to be more free man. Who doesn't? We can talk about Muhammad Ali or Richard Pryor but what does free look like for just like the average American? What does free look like for me?
About now the only time that I feel free is when I am painting. I suppose I feel pretty free writing this stuff. Contemplative lingering. The luxury of time to think.... to spend it however I want. UBI of $1,000/mo would be so amazing. That would free me up to do a lot. I honestly think I would be a lot happier if I had a UBI of $1,000/mo. That would solve a lot. So, what does that mean? Medicare would solve a lot as well.
Fuck New York. Fucking poshlust motherfuckers. Fuck LA those fucking vulgarian vulture motherfuckers. Get me a nice log cabin in Wyoming and go for long hikes on the acres I can't afford.
This is pretty dope:
I feel like I could get by in Berlin too. Like a broke but not too dangerous part of Berlin. Like the part of Berlin that was in the book "Lost Connections" by Johan Hadri. I may have butchered the names of everything there. I should probably re-read that book.
I know LP maybe a horrible place for all of this stuff but I do need to think and even backlash gets me thinking too. I don't know. Fuck it. Let's gambool dude. We only get one life. I am just trying to make it ok. Maybe I do want a family some day and I am soooo far away from that right now. I don't even know if I should have a dream like that. I just can't really picture me in my 40s or my 50s or beyond. It just seems bleak. For some reason there is still hope in my 30s. Like I can make good grounds in these last 5 years of my 30s for some reason. I could reap benefits like within the next 6 months. Like, I don't start with family but I have some good dates and meet some cool people. Eventually get a girlfriend etc. It's not like I have to decide on a family now. Maybe I just stop at girlfriend, maybe we get married, who knows? Maybe I die in a car crash tomorrow. Maybe I get in a car crash tomorrow and I can only communicate by blinking my eyes. That's why I just want to rave and protest while I can.
All under one roof raving. We are doing what we like. Yes!
I bought a shawl collar cardigan one time because this Hot Babe (HB 10) writer for GQ said she dated this one guy pretty simply because he had a shawl collar cardigan. To be honest it actually worked.
Now, some lucky guy somewhere in the South is picking up HB 10s with The shawl collar cardigan. I always thought karma was real but I never find anything at the local Goodwill.
*Note: Some will lash out and call you gay for wearing a shawl collar cardigan. It doesn't really matter. Gay men will hit on you. It doesn't really matter. Just grab your HB 10s vagina and proclaim, "I like having sex with vaginas... like this one here" and point. If you aren't with an HB 10 just make sure to eat a lot of chicken wings and drink a lot of beer and belch and talk about how that quarterback did that one thing that one time. Do not mention that that quarterback has a nice butt or that anyone has a nice butt besides any x number of women who have nice butts. Actually, fuck it, do whatever you want. If you like fucking men in the ass go for it. If you like men fucking you in the ass go for it. I'm a pretty open minded fellow. Just make sure to run it by Kant first, or that nigga John Rawls. Oh God, Ethics. Better than what humans wrote about God and morality. We have to take what makes sense and leave the rest eh? Seems prudent.
This blog is self-centered and self-indulgent. I can't help myself at times.
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vasoline73 United States. Nov 01 2019 09:07. Posts 808
RiKD best of luck and focus.
The first verse you posted is great. I've never seen it before, but it explains a philosophy that I live.
Verses 2 and 4 are difficult. Sex and violence. Who really knows what the answers are.
Hope all's great. Cheers.
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Nov 01 2019 13:35. Posts 5296
It's a good thing you post all this stuff here because if you did it in public, all this does is hurt the left by reinforcing stereotypes. Mexie is nice but not a top tier political economist imo. I'd rather read from some old 80 year old woman who knows her political economy, like susan george, rather than just liking someone's work because they are an attractive female. (seems to partly inform your views).
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
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Santafairy Korea (South). Nov 01 2019 17:23. Posts 2226
that's a shawl collar cardigan?
i wore one of those it didn't do shit
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
On November 01 2019 08:07 vasoline73 wrote:
RiKD best of luck and focus.
The first verse you posted is great. I've never seen it before, but it explains a philosophy that I live.
Verses 2 and 4 are difficult. Sex and violence. Who really knows what the answers are.
Hope all's great. Cheers.
Sex and violence can be difficult topics. Perhaps more fruitful to discuss. I don't agree with 2 or 4. 4 I think I could be persuaded but Tolstoy hasn't persuaded me yet. 2 I believe in partners that can separate at any time regardless of marriage. I am not necessarily against marriage and obviously having a life long soulmate would be ideal.
On November 01 2019 12:35 Stroggoz wrote:
It's a good thing you post all this stuff here because if you did it in public, all this does is hurt the left by reinforcing stereotypes. Mexie is nice but not a top tier political economist imo. I'd rather read from some old 80 year old woman who knows her political economy, like susan george, rather than just liking someone's work because they are an attractive female. (seems to partly inform your views).
I have no idea if Mexie is a top tier political economist. She has a PhD and has devoted her life to "Leftist knowledge." Her videos are accessible. I've never come across Susan George until today. Studied at Smith and Sorbonne has my attention. I don't just like Mexie's work because she is an attractive female. I am sure it was Loco who posted a video and the content was good and informative. I did have a crush on her at one point and probably still do so you probably aren't wrong. It's not a non-factor but it's not the only reason I like her work. I've seen all of ContraPoints videos and I am not attracted to her looks.
On November 01 2019 16:23 Santafairy wrote:
that's a shawl collar cardigan?
i wore one of those it didn't do shit
Probably depends on where you live. Also, you have to target the poshlost women that would date someone because they wear a shawl collar cardigan. Just as I was a man reading articles about an HB 10 that would date me because I'm wearing a shawl collar cardigan there was some magazine out there conditioning women to date guys in shawl collar cardigans. Find those women! It's probably a Conde Nast magazine. Probably Vogue or Vanity Fair.
$13 billion for poisoning the world with "Culture."
At my height of "Culture" I had a subscription to:
Wired
The New Yorker
GQ
Architectural Digest
Details
I was a real Conde Nast Star. I was unstoppable in that shawl collar cardigan, perfectly worn in jeans, and Red Wing boots or so I thought. I was also about 6'4'' in those boots and 200 lbs. at about 14% body fat at the time. I also had money and friends. Most people know by now what happened a few chapters down the road. Alcoholism, rehab, psych wards. I'm still recovering to this day.
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Nov 02 2019 05:56. Posts 5296
On November 01 2019 12:35 Stroggoz wrote:
It's a good thing you post all this stuff here because if you did it in public, all this does is hurt the left by reinforcing stereotypes. Mexie is nice but not a top tier political economist imo. I'd rather read from some old 80 year old woman who knows her political economy, like susan george, rather than just liking someone's work because they are an attractive female. (seems to partly inform your views).
I have no idea if Mexie is a top tier political economist. She has a PhD and has devoted her life to "Leftist knowledge." Her videos are accessible. I've never come across Susan George until today. Studied at Smith and Sorbonne has my attention. I don't just like Mexie's work because she is an attractive female. I am sure it was Loco who posted a video and the content was good and informative. I did have a crush on her at one point and probably still do so you probably aren't wrong. It's not a non-factor but it's not the only reason I like her work. I've seen all of ContraPoints videos and I am not attracted to her looks.
I mean it's just my opinion, it just tilts me that you espouse leftist views then objectify women ever second or 3rd blog. I understand your situation, and that you have to a large extent overcome a history of toxic masculinity, and i respect that you changed. But it still tilts me.
like 80% of the leftist political economists accept much of the propaganda that the right spreads. I respect people like chomsky, dean baker, Ha joon chang, and robert pollin because they don't actually accept the standard lies of the right to even be true. It sounds simple, and it is.
This is what happens:
Right wing media person says capitalism is about growth. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and makes some weird counter argument about wanting a zero growth economy.
Right wing media person says they are in favour of globalization. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and says they are anti globalization.
Right wing media person says adam smith said 'bla bla bla'. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and tries to find problems with right wing persons perspective of adam smiths view
Right wing media person says they are in favour of free markets. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and tries to find flaws in free markets.
There's no evidence that anyone anywhere even knows what a free market, or globalization is. Once most academics realize this is true and that no one has even the slightest clue about what they are talking about, then there will be a big paradigm shift and enlightenment in the humanities similar to the one galileo sparked in the sciences. That's my opinion anyway.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
On November 01 2019 12:35 Stroggoz wrote:
It's a good thing you post all this stuff here because if you did it in public, all this does is hurt the left by reinforcing stereotypes. Mexie is nice but not a top tier political economist imo. I'd rather read from some old 80 year old woman who knows her political economy, like susan george, rather than just liking someone's work because they are an attractive female. (seems to partly inform your views).
I have no idea if Mexie is a top tier political economist. She has a PhD and has devoted her life to "Leftist knowledge." Her videos are accessible. I've never come across Susan George until today. Studied at Smith and Sorbonne has my attention. I don't just like Mexie's work because she is an attractive female. I am sure it was Loco who posted a video and the content was good and informative. I did have a crush on her at one point and probably still do so you probably aren't wrong. It's not a non-factor but it's not the only reason I like her work. I've seen all of ContraPoints videos and I am not attracted to her looks.
I mean it's just my opinion, it just tilts me that you espouse leftist views then objectify women ever second or 3rd blog. I understand your situation, and that you have to a large extent overcome a history of toxic masculinity, and i respect that you changed. But it still tilts me.
like 80% of the leftist political economists accept much of the propaganda that the right spreads. I respect people like chomsky, dean baker, Ha joon chang, and robert pollin because they don't actually accept the standard lies of the right to even be true. It sounds simple, and it is.
This is what happens:
Right wing media person says capitalism is about growth. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and makes some weird counter argument about wanting a zero growth economy.
Right wing media person says they are in favour of globalization. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and says they are anti globalization.
Right wing media person says adam smith said 'bla bla bla'. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and tries to find problems with right wing persons perspective of adam smiths view
Right wing media person says they are in favour of free markets. Leftist person with phd in political economy assumes its true and tries to find flaws in free markets.
There's no evidence that anyone anywhere even knows what a free market, or globalization is. Once most academics realize this is true and that no one has even the slightest clue about what they are talking about, then there will be a big paradigm shift and enlightenment in the humanities similar to the one galileo sparked in the sciences. That's my opinion anyway.
I don't think I objectify women every 2nd or 3rd blog post. Maybe I do. If so it's a leak of mine. Feminism is not my strong suit. I am attracted to Mexie's looks but I am more attracted to her brain. I am happy that she exists in this world. Of course I would be ecstatic to date her but I would also enjoy just being her friend. You have to understand I have no leftist friends where I live. Watching Mexie's YouTube vids make me feel connected. I really can't make a comment about a past woman's breasts when again I was much more attracted to who she was? A past woman's eyes? These women were much more than their breasts or their eyes. Linking to photos of pornstars I guess is pretty bad. This is something I'll have to work on. Tinder and pornography certainly doesn't help. I was in a much better space in this regard when I was heavily into Buddhism and no sex or masturbation or pornography. Feminism confuses me in a way because there are so many sects. I mainly get my info from aprivelegedvegan. Someone else who I am attracted to physically but am more attracted to her brain and who she is as a human. If some sloth monster had really good YouTube videos on feminism I would watch.
How do you counter what the right is doing though? The right is good at propaganda. If you don't acknowledge the lies they spread. If you do acknowledge the lies they double down and it spreads. You can see that happening in our very own Politics Thread.
It doesn't tilt me either way. There is already enough divergence in the left. Not everyone is perfect.
______________________________
I felt like I was in prison today. I thought about Nelson Mandela reading "The Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius in his captivity.
Work was very trying today. I didn't get the shop open until an hour and a half late due to all the prep that was required. It doesn't make me happy that I work tomorrow morning and likely the same amount of prep will be required. I just couldn't get out from under it. People were attacking pizzas as I was making them. I just couldn't get enough out fast enough. Then my shift was over. I am still alive. I can't help but fret a bit about tomorrow but I really shouldn't. I will use the same reason that I am using in the present. I am dead. Everything in the past is dead. All I have is now to live my life properly with kindness and justice.
I think right now I am content with what nature has given me. It's hard sometimes. It is hard to love one's fate if there is struggle and suffering. I guess there will always be struggle and suffering.
This is how I am feeling right now:
(Don't watch the video Stroggoz LOL)
What I'm supposed to throw my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the trash? It comes with the subscription! Hah.
My mom would throw my SI Swimsuit issue in the trash so I had to make sure to get the mail when I got home from school.
It goes back further than that though. I don't even know what age I was when my friend had playboys and we'd go up in his treehouse and check them out.
Christina Aguilera "Dirrrty." Britney Spears "I'm a Slave 4 U." Shakira "My Hips Don't Lie."
This is all Culture.
The Spearmint Rhino. Whose CEO was convicted and faced jail time for fraud.
That fucking city is designed to syphon money from degenerates who can't help themselves. Fucking cess pool.
I don't even want to get started on companies like Exxon, Hershey's, Tyson, etc etc etc. I am just trying to focus on Culture. But the fact that we still use fossil fuels I suppose is a part of Culture. We have a long way to go. I don't know if we are going to make it.
Well, if you can make a dollar a hand or .50c/hand or whatever it's tough not to play. Working for the man is pretty soul crushing. Poker can be pretty soul crushing too.
Yeah, milk is pretty terrible. Yet, I'm pretty sure it's subsidized here in the USA backed by phony research backed by the large corporations. Factory farm cow inseminations are fucking gross. It's all fucking gross. Including what milk actually is.
United States. Oct 29 2019 04:35. Posts 8535
