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RiKD    United States. Dec 09 2018 04:08. Posts 5438
I was reminded that 2018 is coming to a close and unearthed some memories due to coming across Spotify's "Your Top 100 Songs Of The Year."

Here they are:

I think you can scroll through and look at them with this link but not listen unless you sign up for a Spotify account.

They also have a cool playlist called "Tastebreakers" where they took the songs from the Top 100 list and then compiled a different list. "Start 2019 by broadening your horizons. We've made you a playlist of songs from genres and artists you don't normally explore - and we think you'll like it." The playlist is pretty f'n awesome. Anyways, this blog is sounding like an advertisement for Spotify.

2018 isn't over yet but all of this had me reflecting. 2018 was a strange year. I was kind of all over the place. I think a lot of it tied into my struggle to get a date as a poor person living with my parents or even beyond those "excuses": How do I date and be ok in my own skin? Or, at least this is seemingly what My Interpreter is piecing together (Michael Gazzaniga, Gifford Lectures, "The Interpretor" Youtube it - fascinating stuff). Or, more simply how do I get ok in my own skin?

I remember back to my days of waking up at 5am to train. I got pretty nicely pumped up there. I still think bodybuilding is based in vanity and narcissism. Byung-Chul Han posits that depression is based in narcissism as well. I think my unaltered state is to be pretty narcissistic. Now part of this is AA brainwashing. I really can't answer the question if I am more self-centered or narcissistic than the average person. I really don't know. But, my immediate response to being self-centered and narcissistic is to go help someone else. That I must help someone else or I am going to end up drinking or doing drugs again. I am in conflict with these fellowships. I can never feel ok in my own skin if I am a part of them and it seems to be difficult to be ok in my own skin without them.

There was my experiences with Tinder which spurned the dissatisfaction to look further into Buddhism. I pretty much went tunnel vision in one to tunnel vision in another. I am not sure how I moderate that behavior. It seems to cause a lot of suffering.

There was that amazing 2 month period of being unemployed. I learned a lot.

Tonight I thought about going to an AA meeting just to get out of the house and socialize with some people. Even if those people are going to tell me I need to pray and I need to turn my will and my life over to God. I made myself dinner and signed up for a complex science course instead. Seeing the two options written out there is really no competition.

So, what are some things I am trending towards as we move into 2019?

I would like to get back into Buddhism. Start exploring Samatha (Calm) meditation. I am holding off on scriptures. Currently, really enjoying "Infinite Jest" by DFW. Overall, it is just enjoyable but also I think it helps me with AA. Here is a guy poking fun at the whole situation and it's great.

How am I going to be ok in my own skin and find a society to be a part of with out having to conform?

That is a tricky one but I think learning more about relevant sciences and Buddhism is a part of that. I suppose I also may just have to accept that I will spend my Saturday nights making myself dinner, watching science lectures and posting on LP. I will take my dinner tonight though. I cooked up some rice at like 35c per serving, fried 2 eggs my dad had in the fridge that were going to go bad before he comes home from his trip, mixed in some chili paste my Thai aunt gave me, and added a little bit of Sriracha. This is something else I will be working on. Working on meals over the course of the week that are varied, vegan, nutritious, nourishing. Using the produce that is local, in season, and organic if possible.

I think this Tastebreakers playlist is an atopic Other bringing me out of my depression. Who knows?

Who knows?

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hiems   United States. Dec 09 2018 10:50. Posts 1499

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