My brother and sister-in-law are happy and docile. They go to their high paying multinational corporate jobs, come home to their giant house to take care of their 2 year old and then watch tv until they go to sleep. I don't get it. I've always been a bit of a wild child. L'enfant sauvage but I am confused about the meaning of sauvage. Gojira's lead singer says it is more about being feral and untouched by civilization. I was very much civilized as a youth but I always remained very much wild. I have had streaks of docility usually with even stronger streaks of rebellion and disobedience. I had to really respect the person and/or really need help to reach any level of docile. Which caused problems in the corporate structure. I remember the NAFTA Sales Director urging us to "really grab your customers by the balls." To manipulate them in any way we could in order to get the purchase order. I didn't want to manipulate my customers or grab them by the balls. The most successful salesman in the area was a direct competitor. He was a former NFL linebacker. A professional in hurting his competitors by any means necessary. Most of my customers adored him as he was an All-American for Notre Dame University which was just a short trip up the road. I took it as a challenge. I was up every day at 4:45am to lace up the bootstraps and get to work. Why? I don't know. I wanted to be President of the company. I wanted a penthouse in Lincoln Park, Chicago, and in some ways it was just for the spirit of it all. I fucking loved watching those hot slabs of steel roll out of the mill.
Every day was gameday. Everyday was like marching into battle. I was connecting with people, I was really helping out the mill, I was helping my friends get promotions. I was getting promotions. I loved to drink. I drank too much. That was my anesthesia. I suppose for a stretch there I was happy but I was not docile. I was still very much a wild child. I remember there was a part of the mill that was super muddy from all the rain. I started speeding around doing fish tails. No one fucking cared. They thought it was funny. That's because most people in the steel industry are wild childs. Are a bit nuts. I loved that. You have to be a bit nuts to be cooped up in a steel mill dealing with 3,000 F steel all day. In fact in one of the mills they all laughed and joked about it being a mental institution. The biggest reason that the union typically gets what it wants is that it would be disaster to let all these union guys out into civilization.
I was constantly butting heads with my manager. He was always making metaphors that I was a stallion that he was going to break. I would make metaphors that he was never going to fucking break me. We were getting business though. Not really getting paid in accordance to that business but we were both getting business and getting paid. I had the most profitable account per capita in NAFTA so could swing my dick around a little bit but I did understand that a lot of that was with help from my manager. I was good at getting people fired up about stuff but I am not a ruthless businessman or a psychopath. My manager was. So, we basically had an agreement where I would do my thing and then call him up when the deal needed to get closed. It was a good agreement. Him and his boss basically told me to manage my business. I never even received one phone call from my boss's boss.
Anyways.... I am kind of going off on a tangent here of memories. The All-American from Notre Dame eventually woke up, bought out some of our key guys, and started bribing all the right people. We ended up losing the largest business contract. A lot of people at that point liked me a lot so were throwing me bones with out much work needed from me. I had enough business to cruise. I knew this. My boss knew I knew this. I used the extra time to drink. I became more than just a heavy drinker. The workaholic aspect just turned into straight alcoholic.
I guess part of that story is that the patriarchy ganged up on me. I was certainly not very happy during my negotiations for a salary position. It was 5 rich, white guys and the corporate contract lawyers vs. me. I wouldn't say they broke me they just sort of fleeced and exploited me. You know, there is no real way in which someone lower on the totem pole can exploit a corporation. At least in my position. What could I do? I could cheat on my expense account. Maybe get an extra $50 out of it a week. So, maybe $3,000 over the course of a year? That's nothing compared to how a corporation can exploit its workers. It goes further than just dollar amounts. My mental health was ruined. The whole culture broke me but only for so long. Just because I take lithium and abilify doesn't mean I can't wile out. I am still not easily controlled. If anything I am more woke than ever. That doesn't help me pay my bills.
The people in power don't want to give it up and as long as most of the population is "happy" and docile nothing will change.
My aunt is high up in Siemans corporation. Her plan when she retires is to buy another house (they already have 2) and interior decorate it. *Click click click* Agonizing for months over which couch best expresses her true self. I am pretty sure she takes boatloads of anxiety pills and/or vino every day and night just to get through existence. I made $10k last year and am sitting in an Ikea computer chair with a broken arm and am pretty content with my position. It doesn't actually suck to be unemployed if you have stuff to do. What sucks is the looming fear that yeah eventually I will have to make money again.
Man, so, people always ask me "Well, what do you REALLY want to do?" or "What did you want to do when you were younger?" My answers are actor, musician, soccer player, artist, architect. There are reasons for those not panning out and none of those are something I could just sort of pick up again and make a living at today. Maybe a better question is "What is good for you?" We can maybe start working with that. A lot of people hear that I have a degree in history and suggest that I become a history teacher. I never really wanted to do that. I don't want to be confined by a high school curriculum. Well, what about a history professor? I don't know if I like the specialization. Never have. So, where does that leave me?
$12/hr at Whole Foods, going to AA meetings I don't like, and posting blogs on LP. YIPEEEE!!!!
"I'm the closest thing to a voice of reason that I have" - Gil Scott-Heron
It just FEELS important to read some of this stuff and perhaps discuss it before going back to a job. The fears are looming but if I succumb to the fears I am just swallowed back up by the machine. They want me happy and docile but I am unhappy and disobedient. It feels like I am riding a good wave bro. I'm skiing down the mountain. I know it must end. Nothing in life is permanent including life. I just have this window to catch up that I will never have again. The problem is there are endless books. There are not endless books worth reading though. Probably more books worth reading than I can read in a lifetime but it just feels like the right time for me to get caught up or at least get a bit further along in regards to neoliberal economics, anarchy, socialism, Edgar Morin, etc.
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hiems United States. May 22 2018 23:58. Posts 2979
Why do you even work? I'm not sure how rich ur family is but it's hard to imagine ur parents are going to look at ur situation and leave u out to dry when it comes to their will or whatever.
I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]
That's a good question. I am pretty sure if both my parents die the assets get split up 4 ways between myself and my brother and 2 sisters. Both my parents have pretty good genes as far as living goes. Besides the numerous occasions that multinational corporations tried to kill my father with traveling and stress and the fact he used to be obese and a serious heart disease risk he is much healthier these days. They are both 64. I would wager they are going to live into their 80s if not 90s. So, given that I kind of have to work. I don't want to be a complete leach on them while they try and enjoy retirement. Now, if I were given a trust of $250,000 - $1 million+ I probably would not be applying to Whole Foods and coffeeshops right now. I would probably be traveling and seeing the world. Or, honestly, spending most of my time in my room on the internet and reading in my bed with some training and walking the dog mixed in. I'd have the cash but I still might not go back to college. I'd probably buy some land in Montana and build a house from scratch with friends as the CEO of the project. I would probably steal the design from a designer I like. I probably wouldn't even live there most of the year but I would let friends stay there whenever they wanted for free. I'd buy a shit ton of bitcoin. I'd help people where I could. Probably mostly alcoholics. That's typically where I have found I can be the most useful. I am binge reading all this anarchy, socialism, homeland earth in hopes I can be useful to the world in that way as well someday. My life probably wouldn't change so much besides the fact I could take a trip to Paris or Buenos Aires if I wanted or a trip to see my brother or sisters more often. Owning some land at the base of the Rockies would obviously be amazing and building a house from scratch with friends would be a dream. I think I have written enough to address this question so I will stop writing now.
I am reading every article linked in this article and it has been pretty eye opening. There is a lot going on in the world. Neoliberal economics + globalization is pretty terrible. I had no idea that the USA basically just murdered + overthrew any sort of non-US dick sucking government in Latin America except Cuba because Castro was a boss. The USA ignored (and seems to still ignore) any global group that goes against the Americanization of the world in any way. Making the world in the USA's vision (which is fucking scary). Communist countries are future markets and communism may spread reducing market value. So, what do you do? You strategize and support US dick sucking coups that will agree to put manufacturing plants at cheap costs and import and export agreements that favor the US.
Protect the few. The property owners. It has been this way since the inception of the constitution. It morphed into protect the business owners, the corporations, the multinational corporations. Why the fuck should a billionaire get tax exemptions?????? Billions of dollars. I can understand a private jet to travel. Sure, have some security. Yeah, why not buy a nice house on some nice land. But, why do they need tax exemptions? The utility of money gets silly when you are a billionaire. Fucking psychopaths with self-centered cravings of more money and power.
I don't know if I got it all out of my system yet. This anti-communism idea is so strong in the USA globalized earth. I really thought Bernie Sanders was on to something and he was on to something. I hope that vibe doesn't die. All these people thinking that Trump is this hero. Bro, he is in tight with all the 1%. He is the 1%. And I think all these fucking dumb ass white people have this dream of being him. I don't even know. Maybe they just want to fucking dick around with their guns in the backyard. Like, Trump represents freedom.... That happy and docile "freedom" that Bernays loves to manipulate people with. When does it end?
I am just happy I can go train here in a little bit and get a bit high, The High, get a little bit of a pump, and fend off some depression. Read some books and hang out a little bit for a few weeks before I start to sweat a little bit of being eaten back up by the machine. Being unemployed gives me a new perspective. There is something about trying to be efficient and making money that skews it a little bit. There are social pressures. I start wanting more.
Oh well. Fuck it. I have to go train. Bring up my chest, my shoulders, my triceps a little bit. Get a good training sesh in. Be that guy guys want to be and girls want to fuck. Celibate Adonis.............. yeah, right. Fuck perfect. I am just trying to get The High. Flush all this fear and this stress surrounding getting a job and finishing my 4th step and doing a 5th step out of the system for now. I am still too fearful.
I'm fired back up baby!!! Ohhhhhh!!!! Ehhhhhhh!!!!
I never heard this song before today. It was the perfect song to end my training to. Walking out of the gym I was hiiiigggggghhhhhhhh.
Another milestone in my quest to get back to veganism: I am using water in my protein shakes instead of milk. It's tricky though. Well... I mean my goal is to maintain muscle and lose body fat. I still need to eat a fair amount of protein and calories to maintain but a vegan diet definitely helps with losing body fat. I am still eating skyyr. I haven't transitioned yet. If they had packaged bean salads that would be fantastic. But, I can eat some chips and salsa, a skyrr, and a bowl of green beans (without butter) and it is pretty satiating. Burger and fries and 3 servings of sweet tea is also satiating but just plain crazy looking back on it. It feels like it is a lot harder to lose the fat than it was to gain the fat. You think you are free and in bliss eating all that shit but in reality it is an addiction. 30 lbs. later....................................
My mom brought up these vegans that won't eat plants. Well, they will eat blueberries because you can pick them from the plant but they don't eat carrots, onions, garlic, etc. They don't eat any lettuces. Where do you draw the line? Am I a mass murdering psychopath b/c I want to boil some lobster once a year when I'm in Maine? What if we freeze the lobsters to death first?
What if I want to have a bit of pesto and feta with my portabello mushroom burger as the chef intended? What if I want to have some nutella with it's trace amounts of gelatin? What if I want to have an ice cream cone every now and then?
I think I am just more of a moderate vegetarian than anything. Sure, I like the idea of trending towards vegan but if my mom makes a vegetarian lasagna I don't want to say no.
I don't have a problem going vegan on the other issues. That's pretty easy.
I remember listening to this song singing "Merrillville is Killing Me" as I drank myself to death. I just think there are those places that kill people. Account Manager in Northwest Indiana I just couldn't keep it going. I couldn't keep it together. I had a breakdown. I had a breakthrough. Pittsburgh was a good place for me. The largest building was the UPMC building. UPMC helped me come to grips with my bipolar and psychosis. Pittsburgh AA helped me come to grips with my alcoholism and addiction. I think the verdicts out on Charleston. I have been here a year. I love the ocean and the beaches. I have made few friends. I love that the largest building is a beautifully designed bridge. I don't like the fact the next tallest buildings are churches. I can't move anywhere without a job offer. So, I sit and type on my computer keys which will become LP posts, read up on anarchy, socialism, Edward Morin, and train. What am I preparing myself for? Life? I am man-killing Hector preparing for the future. I am Ajax fighting for homeland earth.
That is about the aesthetic I am going for. How vain of me.... I don't know. Why not? What else am I going to fucking do on this earth? Besides save the world from capitalism and neoliberal economics???????
I should like this guy because he gives money to bipolar and mental illness research but he's a fucking douche. Him and his wife give most of their money to Grenwich, CT and Harvard University. So, it is likely a status thing. Or, more so likely it gives his wife something to do. Their philanthropy is relatively equivalent to me giving a bum $5.
Over all these blog posts I wasn't even conscious of it. I was just writing endlessly about myself. Who does that? ME! And I am still writing about myself.
I had a friend tell me today that I should get a job not to make money but because I am a self-centered prick stuck at home with himself all day.
I don't know what else to do besides write about the chick pea curry I ate for dinner. It was fucking great. That is like perfect. I wouldn't want to eat it every meal but it was fucking perfect. I think how I am going to be vegan is I am just going to pretend like I am on the iron chef and the secret ingredient is beans. Garbanzo beans, white beans, kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans, et al.
Now, that my friend called me out for being self-centered and it is painfully true that I am a self-centered fuck it becomes more difficult to write these blogs. I probably still will though. I'll wake up tomorrow morning just as self-centered as fucking always ready to write some more self-centered horse shit.
By the way he buidybuilded professionally and took a lot of drugs. Just a disclaimer.
Aesthetics bro:
Do you even lift bro?
Believe me he gets it right:
Athlete:
Michaelangelo's exhibit in the Louvre led me to believe we should be swimming and eating vegan not weights and protein powder obsessed:
Hollywood had me switching my mind again:
Got me thinking I need to just gorge myself on chicken, rice, and vegetables. Die of an arsenic overdose.
Now, I do the protein powder pre and post workout so I get enough protein in me and then I eat vegan (bean) soups, stews, and curries. The tricky part is getting enough calories to maintain muscle while trying to burn fat. I'd say I go maintenance on days that I lift heavy and then I try and go a bit less on the other days. I am currently 6'2'' 210 lbs. at ~16% body fat. My main goal is fitting into my suit pants for a wedding because I am too broke to buy a new suit and fuck that anyways but I don't want to lose much if any muscle. Otherwise I wouldn't mind just fucking busting at the seams to start throwing more plates on a number of the exercises. Not really though. I don't think developing bellies is a good life strategy.
This is probably about right:
We all have the capacity to be sculptors of our own body. Remember, that Adonis fucked Aphrodite. Fuck, I didn't even really want to go into that (training for female validation). Training gets me High. It wards off depression. I think it gives me confidence even if sometimes I have low self confidence. I was talking to my sister the other day about how I am fat and she was like "Don't be stupid bro, you have the body most guys want." I think it's because I fucking compare myself to sculptures, actors playing super heroes, and male models. I want to be 6'2'' 210 lbs. @ 12% body fat. That takes years of dedication and for the vast majority of the world is an impossible goal. I should just be grateful for what the gods have given me. I was in a meeting yesterday and the chairperson starts going on about instead of taking medications all we need is gratitude. His point was that gratitude hits the same receptors in the brain that say wellbutrin or prozac does which is a fair point but the overall message in a meeting full of newcomers was stop taking your medications and be grateful. So, I just downplayed gratitude. But, I should be grateful for my comfortable bed, the fact I had an amazing mango to eat this morning, the fact that I am 6'2'' 210 lbs. and not actually fat.
When is the best time to train?
I read whenever you actually go train.
Then it said technically when your body temp. is the highest in the mid afternoon.
What about in the morning when testosterone is the highest?
I'll revert back to whenever you actually go train.
United States. May 22 2018 20:19. Posts 8522
