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I am not over going broke in poker

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RiKD    United States. Aug 29 2017 18:59. Posts 4896
Well, it's time to get in a reverie and write again and then when I am finished I can go and get a haircut. I don't do the fancy stuff anymore that is time consuming to take care of I just get a buzz cut, level 3, cropped at the sides and the back. Simple. It suits me and is non fussy and I like that. I am doing my part to always veer towards minimalism.

I found out for sure, clear in my mind yesterday that I am still not over going broke in poker. A guy in an AA meeting was talking about losing his business and being resentful and struggling and I was like "whoa, that is me." Previous to going broke that was a fun time in my life too. I had really good friends and we did a lot of fun stuff. I do remember there were some periods of darkness or depression and downswings where I was questioning what I was doing with my life but there were other times where I was truly passionate about poker. I did not always have an easy time of balancing things out. When I was passionate I made plenty of money but was not always open to doing stuff. When I was depressed I didn't feel like doing anything but that was mostly when I was in between traveling living with my parents. One thing for me, when I was in bad downswings many times I just said fuck it and lived it up and the fact that my life was good meant I was usually playing pretty well through the bad variance. Not always. I of course exploded into a dark tilt to lose my bankroll over the course of 2 or 3 months. I not only lost my bankroll, I lost my life, I in some ways lost my friends, I lost the lifestyle and I am still grieving over that and still resentful over that. Some of my closest friends and we barely ever talk anymore. I was saying in the meeting that that was a better time in my life. The fun times. When marijuana was awesome and the benders were joyous and humorous. I smoked A LOT of marijuana. It just seemed to be the thing to do. Being high was great. Getting high and doing all these different things was exactly how I wanted to be living my life at that time. Even going on a joint, volcano, gravity bong, blunt, pipe, whatever iv and listening to music and playing like 8,000 hands was great. I still remember smoking big weed in Cali going deep in the FTOPS Main Event one year. A lot of facets of poker are definitely more fun high. Even getting AA deep in the FTOPS Main Event was like we were all geeking out. Then I busted and it was disappointing but then I got into a sick hot tub that overlooked the city and after passing some blunts around for a while all of the frustrations are forgotten. That is the life I miss. Deciding that we are hungry and want Korean BBQ or sushi or a steak and being less than 15 min. from some of the best variations one is going to find on planet Earth. Beautifully stoned hitting a 5 iron to 6 ft. on a golf course at a resort in Mexico. The prop bets, the bullshitting. Many times we all played against each other. It was fun. It was a game. Sometimes a guy would get buried in a game and the tilt was in someways enjoyable. Only a poker player can understand that. I remember a friend was playing Jungleman at large stakes and I was sweating and took a piece just for the shits of it. This was before he was really known. A relatively unknown at 25/50 and above. We got murdered. It hurt. I had a 5/10 piece and lost $10,000. In a way it helped to shave off some fears I had of playing high stakes. I made it back and then some in a short period of time. Then the first time you win a $10,000 pot at 10/20 and have all these deep stacks is another inflection point. I could never get to that point in 25/50. I just seemed to always lose the $20,000 pots and some of the players there were likely much more skilled than me. It did pick up my game though. Playing hands with Jman and Durrrr and all those guys you really have to be on top of your game and have strong ranges and no tells.

So, it feels like those days were better days. It's not like I even feel any less energetic. I think there is some hopelessness in me that it will never get better for me. I don't know if that matters so much as long as life isn't overarchingly bad. There is a difference between having a stroke and losing the ability to talk or move and just being a bit older and not having any real passion for occupation, very few local friends, no dating life. We used to get big houses or apartments and just all live together. That is a very 20 something poker thing to do. It was a lot of fun though. The best thing is to just get acceptance with all things in life. It is very likely to be in my 50s and think back to parts of my 30s that were great. Oh, to have those days back. I don't want to waste my 30s in misery. I would say much of the last 3 years there were a lot of good times. I was broke with nothing and barely working but I had friends and we did fun things. I think why this part of my life is so trying is again I have found a job I don't particularly like and I am struggling with that and I am struggling with finding friends and things to do. I don't want to harp on that so much because that is clearly my main problems and it comes up in every blog.

I shouldn't be complaining so much but I need to recognize and get acceptance with going broke in poker. That was where it all started going downhill with some upticks but even worse downticks. I am still feeling the effects of that. I am still a bit lost in the rubble. Maybe that sounds pathetic. It was 2010. It really fucked up the trajectory of my life. Alcoholism was probably inevitable. That's a bummer. Bipolar can be a mother fucker. That's a bummer. But, it is about who do I want to be? I can't get distracted from that. I don't really want to be working at a multinational corporation. Do I want to be a teacher? People continue to hint at that. Why was I a history major? Is that really a turning point in my life? Forgoing the chemistry degree that seemed inevitable from my family history. I was the oldest in the generation. The first to go to college. The resounding pressure was to be a chemist, or an engineer, or a chemical engineer. I don't know if any of this stuff matters now but the only thing my History degree seems good for these days is for people to suggest I become a teacher. It taught me how to think, read, write. Those are pretty important skills. I think most people do not get it... or maybe they do and I don't get it. It seems like for most college is a place to learn how to make a lot of money after college. That is probably the wisest way to look at it. I was just there and was expected to at least graduate in something. I graduated beating $2/4 pretty handily. That seemed good enough for me. I don't think I am a scientist or an engineer. I am a starving artist looking for a meal. A proper meal. Please don't take my soul Mr. Employer. Ugghhh, what a crap life to have such an uninspiring job and no friends. A job that doesn't even make money. It is something to do I suppose. Something to pass the time so I don't have to sit in this house all day. I am getting really good at cutting stuff and preparing food although it is mostly just following directions. Fuck this, it is time to get a haircut.

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RiKD    United States. Aug 30 2017 02:57. Posts 4896

I'm in the trenches. What am I DOING to improve my occupational situation and my lack of friends? At least by DOING something I may get an opportunity to come my way. At least by DOING activities I'm bare minimum maybe having some fun doing an activity. It is kind of like that age old question of how to attract a woman? It really just boils down to being an awesome person and having an awesome life. In a way I should not even give a fuck about meeting people I should just be doing things I want to do and then open to meeting people.

Nitewin   United States. Aug 30 2017 04:05. Posts 990

I like where you're headed. +1

Loco   Canada. Aug 30 2017 09:16. Posts 19228

I don't think anyone could ever fully be over going broke after living the high life, especially after such a short amount of time. The thing to consider when you have these types of memories where you envy your past self is whether or not you were actually going in a good direction. You say things started to go downhill when you went broke, but the elephant in the room, the fact that you went broke, certainly suggests otherwise. There's every reason to believe that this is where you had been heading due to the way you were living, and it was inevitable; it wasn't just a random misfortune that happened and could have easily been avoided. I'm giving you some tough love here and I'll say that you're delusional if you currently believe that. You simply hadn't built yourself to be protected against this. The fact that you lost your friends because you were going through some challenges also suggests otherwise. The friends you had made with the life you had were hardly friends at all if they ditched you because of your financial situation and your mental health struggles. It's understandable when someone has mental problems that cause them to hurt others repeatedly, but when you're your own victim and you're not harming anyone, friends shouldn't be bailing on you.

Anyway, your task is to create new memories, as you've already figured out. I was going to say, to replace those memories, but no, it's not about replacing them. Sure, some new memories could be better, you could cherish them more than the memories of your degenerate days, but they wouldn't be replacing them. The memories of old and the memories of new. They'll all be part of your story and you can value them for what they are.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Aug 30 2017 12:30. Posts 4896

I do make it sound like going broke was an isolated event. In writing I meant the act of going broke. Just as losing $10,000 sweating a hu session helped me in overcoming fears of high stakes, having early success at high stakes also led to me going broke. I stopped living any sort of life. I became consumed. I became obsessed with how to win $2 million rather than taking what I could reasonably get. I had to beat 25/50. I should have listened to my friends and not isolated myself so much. The speed at which I could improve and the money to be made in PLO I had dollar signs in my eyes. Greed, unreasonable expectations, reckless BR management it all overcame me and I went into a dark tilt past the point of hanging around with friends and living a life to get me out of it. I suppose that is gambling addiction. I don't like to claim that as for most of my career I was very reasonable but it is probably true.

Regardless, I think the opportunities are there for me to have a better life and to create new memories. I will always cherish a lot of the friendships from poker. I don't think it is a matter of them bailing on me. If anything we bailed on each other. There were meetups. I was just too broke to go. When I don't go to a wedding, or a meetup, and am never on skype it is partly my fault as well. Catching up is nice but when I am broke in Charleston unable to travel it is tough. I don't expect some of these people or any of these people to make a special trip out to Charleston just to see me.

Loco   Canada. Aug 31 2017 16:55. Posts 19228

They don't have to make trips. Just be there for you in some way or another when you need it and vice versa. When someone is isolating himself he tends to have a good reason, and it's part of being a good friend to test the waters and know when to step back and give the person time.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 


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