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Death + Trip + Weddings

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RiKD    United States. Jun 13 2017 19:15. Posts 4002
I slept in my own bed last night. If was phenomenal. I didn't shake the habit of sleeping too much though. I rollover and look outside at the light. I rollover and look out my door. I have no reason to get up besides picking up the dog from the veterinarian hotel. I don't think it's called that but wherever you take dogs to stay while on vacation. It is like sleeping in is ingrained in my brain at home while on vacation I was up at 8am everyday. Oh well, probably a bigger issue is that I don't like not having choice in shitting and I am afraid of death. There is an African tribe that adorns butt plugs to show the tribe that they don't shit. Really, we excrete a vile waste out of our control, our bodies are pathetic meat vessels, and most of us die a determinist death. Dostoevsky says in killing oneself we become a god. The hero accepts mortality. This is what we are told. People crave immortality. It is part of their repression of death. Everyone better be perfect or it challenges the immortality symbol. It sobers the whole crew but repression and delusion and distortion is stronger. All of my psychotic breaks boil down to an unrepressed fear of death, a fear of hell, a fear of nothingness, of no longer existing with a consciousness. Imagine every second of every day engulfed in chaos and fears of how it is all going to end. Anxiety run amok. Do I need hero narratives or can I accept the facts of life? Just as someone can overcome a fear of elevators it is probably possible to overcome the fear of death. Most of these ideas came from "The Denial of Death" by Ernest Becker. Really great book so far I have to continue reading it.

I am a worm. I am a worm who eats worms. I am a god worm. I bleed, I vomit, I shit. The most highly trained Navy Seal is still just a pathetic meat vessel at the end of the day. The bullets will still kill amongst a host of other things. At least the Navy Seal can kill his neurosis by killing the enemy and being a “hero.”

So, this blog post is going to be disjointed. The “Denial of Death” stuff just sort of came out. I took a trip to NYC and Valley Forge over a long weekend. I might just write about some points. Sitting in a car all day to get there was ok. I listened to some JRE and other podcasts. Michael Malice was good. Thanks whaam!. Conversation with fellow travelers seems to be the best way to pass the time. I found a gameboy unpacking but not Tetris. I used to love playing Tetris. If I had a Nintendo DS it would have been Chrono Trigger time.

On NYC:

We took a train in and got there relatively early. I love walking the streets. So many beautiful women. So many different flavors. That diversity is hard to come by. I think the percentage of attractive women is hard to come by as well. I haven’t been to Sweden or Brazil though. I love the Modern Museum of Art. I was getting lost in Cezzanne and Monet paint strokes. I got yelled at for getting too close to Starry Night. They have everything there. Beauty abounds in NYC.

On the yuppie costume, the yuppie life:

So, back when I was an Account Manager making like $60k/yr I had dreams of living in $3k+/month apartments, having wardrobes of designer clothes, and consistently going out for fine dining. So what I would do is buy expensive pieces of stuff so I have like 2 full yuppie costumes. It’s like I carry them around for special occasions. Today, I pretty much wear bermuda shorts and t-shirts every day and much prefer this uniform. So, I have gained some weight. I am looking like a bloated stockbroker in these clothes but they still fit. The damndest thing, I am at this fancy NYC restaurant and it feels right to be wearing this costume. It feels good. I am not really wearing a mask. The truth is my parents are covering the dinner but it is not necessarily hurting my self esteem. Living with them does, not having an occupation does, but for whatever reason that night I am feeling good. I am just a guy who has some nice clothes getting free rolled at a nice restaurant in NYC. I don’t have dreams of moving to Soho or Tribeca or Brooklyn anymore. I’ll put on the costume if the situation calls for it. I can’t fight every cultural battle but I would much rather take the dog for a walk on the beach and stop in to the local spot for a burger.

On weddings:

The best wedding I ever went to was not even a wedding. My sister had a marriage celebration and she was not even married yet. My mom tried her best to make it a reception with all the associated celebrations and my sister was like fuck off. It was just a dinner and then a bar crawl. My sister and her partner finally got married in a ghetto ass chapel that only included exchanging vows and 0 people. The only reason my sister even got married was to get on her partner’s health insurance. That is my kind of wedding.

After NYC I went to Valley Forge for my cousin’s wedding. It was like every other wedding ever except it was outside and I was in a wool suit in 90 degree weather. I wanted to wear what Indians wear to weddings but I couldn’t find anything in time. I am doing this in the future. This is one area where I will fight a cultural battle. If someone has their wedding outside I am wearing fucking Indian wedding attire.

It was good to see some family and it is great that my cousin is in love and has found somebody. I did not know many people at the wedding and had already talked a lot with my cousins the prior day. I don’t drink and did not feel like dancing so the “Party” section of the wedding was really boring. I went away from the loud music (and the wedding) and talked to friends on the phone. Maybe that makes me a bad guest but fuck it. Would I have a wedding if it guaranteed that I would make $100,000 in gifts? Would I have a wedding if it would please my family’s vanity? My ideal marriage is getting married to a stripper and doing heroine in the bathroom. No, that is just my knee jerk reaction to certain aspects of culture. I may have problems. I do have problems. Oh well, looking at this Monet above my computer calms me down and makes me happy so I will do more of that.

On cab drivers with life advice:

I had a cab driver yesterday that basically told me to find Christ, watch college football, get married, and have children. He told of his brother who he labeled as lonely that died alone to a diabetic incident. Then he rationalized and justified why having grandchildren was so great. The thing is he was 70 and had seen a lot. Where is the truth in this? Grandchildren probably are great. All the fun and non of the hassle. One has to have children in order to have grandchildren though. I don’t like the proposition of having children. I have no idea what I am going to be doing when I am 40-60 but sometimes the outlook looks grim. 60-80 seems even worse. That does not mean I should be going around having children as some sort of solution to this.

There is nothing like living vicariously through 18-22 year old college football players “going to battle.” The hero narratives are strong in sports. Reality tv. Gladiator games for the masses. A different kind of opium. No thanks.

Marriage is an interesting one. I would prefer to just have a loving partner. I would probably be the one getting married to get on her health insurance. The data shows partners get a little bit happier after getting married and then it tails off. The data shows bad marriages are incredibly miserable affairs but divorce obviously leads to some happiness. It does not seem like a good proposition.

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RiKD    United States. Jun 15 2017 21:26. Posts 4002

I have to be weary of making people out to be God. I have done it before. Just because she exudes sexual confidence and has a dominatrix outfit does not mean she is comfortable with the burdens of being a goddess. I only like playing a slave up unto a point. I used to lay down on her couch and she would psychoanalyze me. Many times one of the first thoughts that would come out is that I wanted to fuck her but we would always have to go deeper. Fear of death, fear of life, and even deeper insights into anxieties and inner conflicts. I told her things I have not told anyone else. I masturbated for her but I never had sex with her. Really odd experience.

So, do I crave a girlfriend or do I crave a god lover?

Should I just fall in line with the Philistines and be content with "tranquilizing myself with the trivial" or stand alone and create transcendent works of art?

What if I am just a neurotic with no talent?

There was a time when I made vagina my higher power. Women are fragile creatures that will die and disappear just like us that can take no part in the burdens of being a god. I can use their vagina and their body for self-forgetting these facts and I can love who they are as a self but transference to god status is an illusion that will not last.

What is my higher power? The 12 steps of AA. I did them pretty thoroughly and honestly and had a spiritual experience and psychic change and I have not had a drink for a little while now. But, I could drink today and then the fact that I put AA in this posts would lead people to believe that it does not work or whatever someone might assume about it. I think I question the immortality symbol of the group because I don't believe in god, I don't pray, I don't go to a bunch of meetings so then it calls into question the firmness of their program. "Oh, he must not be a real alcoholic," "Oh, we'll see how long he lasts," "if you're not praying your not staying." So, I am in a way standing alone and standing alone can be difficult. There are just so many other great insightful books that are not the big book "Alcoholics Anonymous." But I am moderately extraverted. I want friends. I don't really want to stand alone because truthfully maybe I am not cut out to produce works of art. I am just a neurotic with not enough talent or not enough bravery to consistently create art worth creating. I am not heroic enough but if I could just utilize my gifts to enhance myself, my culture, humanity and have a god boss, an immortal team, a god leader, and a Christian GOD........... I will still die and get eaten by worms. No fourth dimension rebirth for me buddy.

So, I write and I take care of my dog and my cats and I read and I go for walks and I make an effort to be apart of my AA tribe because after all we are just a bunch of drunks that have been through hell and are just trying to get through life. I may not agree with all of the literature but it works to a point and there are not many greater joys in life to see a suffering drug addict recover. Perhaps, that is one of the takeaways here. Helping drug addicts recover is one of my gifts and my form of heroism that I desperately crave. It makes me feel like I am important and that drunk that I helped can help a drunk and so on which makes my contributions and myself immortal!

Thunder just struck and my dog is trembling. In reality it does not matter how many people I help or how many people they help at the end of the day I am a trembling dog. There has got to be a way to repress healthfully. I don't want to make my manager god or my therapist god or my lover god. I just want to live life with satisfaction. I have a feeling that is going to have to just be through experience and reflection. Maybe I don't want to be an artist and live in the not quite gentrified part of town and date Sarah Silverman. Well, I definitely want to date Sarah Silverman. Her "would you let God cum in your mouth?" joke is brilliant among many others. She is already taken though. Maybe I just never have sex again. There are worse things. My agreeableness is high enough though that I crave a girlfriend. A non god girlfriend.


RiKD    United States. Jun 16 2017 05:17. Posts 4002

There is no saving me. I am decaying as I write this. I can only be thankful that I am not engulfed in psychosis. One bout of psychosis the repressions were gone. I went from my brain being hacked to potentially drop the bomb that ends it all, to my blood being contaminated and a weapon of mass destruction, to having to solve puzzles or else I would be cannibalized on reality tv, to worrying about going to sleep because the psych ward I was in was going to let in particularly sadistic thugs that wanted to torture, rape, and murder me. These thoughts were endless. I do not wish to be unrepressed. Reading this book or that book or gaining some insight does not change the facts of life. Even if I were to achieve some ideal or some ideal community I do not achieve immortality. I like petting my cat and hearing him purr, I like making love to a beautiful woman but I cannot escape decay and death. I already see the effects of decay. I already can sense death lurking. Thankfully I have my dog to cuddle with (girlfriend would be better obv). If I die in my sleep tonight there are worse things that could happen. At least it would be quieter than when I was screaming in the pysch ward. I am only a stoic hero up to a point. A stoic hero who is now a little afraid of dying in his sleep tonight. I am no stoic or hero. I am just a dead man walking seeking pleasures along the way. A dead man walking grasping at security. I would rather white water raft down the rapids of doom than clutch to a branch trembling. What does that mean for my everyday life?


RiKD    United States. Jun 17 2017 01:06. Posts 4002

The topic of the meeting is God. I sit in a room full of delusions. Deluded thoughts get articulated for 50 minutes straight. Why do I do this? There have got to be better ways to spend my time. I am lonely. The dog has made a mess. It will be ok. I have stuff to do tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.


RiKD    United States. Jun 18 2017 02:36. Posts 4002

What is my goal?

Not to be miserable and I am not. I live with my retired parents. It is actually nice to socialize with them, have meals with them, go on walks with the dog with them. Now, they are on extended vacation and I have the house to myself which is also nice but I am lonely. I do not have friends here like I do in Pittsburgh but I am not miserable. I leave a pretty simple life now. A cheap life. A life that my parents pay for. That last bit is the one that probably bothers me the most. They have the money. They can afford to pay for my expenses but that is not the point. I think as long as I am not drinking or doing drugs and taking care of my mental health and seeking gainful employment it will continue but I struggle with the gainful employment part. It is nice to sleep in a comfortable bed and wake up and have breakfast. The last job I had kind of sucked but it mostly covered my expenses. That felt good. Do I want more expenses? Well, yeah, that would be nice. I am just ok right now and when people ask what do I want? I just want to be ok. If that makes me "pathetic" in some people's eyes that is also ok with me. I am but a creature who shits and dies.



PuertoRican   United States. Jun 18 2017 05:29. Posts 10457

Add some pictures to your blogs.

Rekrul is a newb 

 



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