Endless frustration

I know everyone's money situation is unique, especially in poker. But its not about money really. its about perspective. In my line of work i am fortunate enough to have a nitch in which i can generate a substantial income compared to the average person my age and any age for that matter. I am SOOOO fortunate for it. But it comes with its unique set of frustrations and challenges in society. I was talking with mezmerizeplz about this too and we both agree that it is hard to truely feel connected to someone who has no understanding of what your motivations are. And what you want to accomplish, and not only that but doesn't even understand or view your job as legitimate. Like its hard to get taken seriously when you tell someone "Yea im going to play some poker". They're like, you'd rather play a card game than hang out with me? And then you have to try and make them understand that you are actually going to work. Then this is followed by, "but you can make your own hours right? why do you have to play right now?". Then it gets to the point where I feel inside like saying "Look you SOB, Its hard enough to find motivation to deal with one of the most mentally and emotionally swingy jobs in the world and you really want to just guilt trip me on top of that for doing my job?" Granted, this isn't a balancing act on the top of a sky scrapper, and its not like we are putting our lives in danger or going through rigorous physical exercise. But to call it an easy job is retarded.

Aside from the views of society on my job that i take a lot of pride in. There is also the dealings with friends which can be very delicate. For instance, if a friend comes up to me and says hes happy because he got a raise. Naturally you congratulate him and are happy that hes happy. But the vice versa doesn't work. I can't go up to the same person and say. "I am Sooo happy i just raised my hourly in the past 3 months by 35$ an hour on average and am killing the games" Or worse yet, "this month has been great to me, im up 25k". Essentially what i am getting at is we can seldom celebrate our success with the average person our age. Now you may think. Well fuck, just be happy your doing so well. That is fine, and a valid opinion, however as human being we enjoy being validated by our peers. We seek one way or another some sort of validation of success. But its hard when you have a smile 2 miles wide and when asked just say "Im just happy because ive done good this month". Even then the general opinion is going to be
"wow, hes sooo lucky he gets to do nothing all day and make good money". There is no stopping this sense of envy that is apparent in most people our age. Here is a HUGE difference between a lot of poker players whom i spend time with and the general population. General population: If asked how much you make a year tell them about 170k. They become envious, but in a bad way. They want to mooch, they may wish they were you, or wish it was them instead of you. They also may think your the luckiest SOB on the planet, ect ect. Generally very negative useless forms of jealousy. If i tell a 100NL grinder, he for the most part imo will feel more motivated. "he did it why, can't I?" And that is oh such a sweet feeling to know that you inspire someone. And even though I wish my life could be an example of an out of the box success story. It seldom is viewed like that by society, and most importantly by the people in my age group.

Most of the people in my age group are living in college forming a life for themselves and probably only moved out of their home withing the past 2 years. They feel like everyone is on a similar track as them and everyone is getting their start at the same time. Their place in life is similar and they feel like finances are not something that is very relevate at all except paying the tuition and rent. That's as far as it goes. No one is really successful except for a select few that might have had rich parents and got into investing in some way, or got a good job for some reason or another, probably exceptionally hard working and intellegent. For the most part everyone is at step one in their financial development and are truely getting some life experience just recently. Any mention of great success at this point sets you apart from your universal set of peers. For the most part this is generally always a bad thing. To be viewed differently is a great obstacle in generating a deep connection with someone. They may view me as intimidating, because I have more life experience. Possibly they may think I am a good friend to have in case they need something or that I can rub off some of my luck or whatever onto them. Generally i find people actually treat me nicer when they find out I'm a poker player. Which i guess is good but realistically it creates a gap for me. Its like they except me to be from another planet. And they want to probe me for information on how to get there.

My good friend clay(mezmerizeplz) and I have spent many 3 am conversations talking about how we have grown apart from our highschool friends. I'll speak only for myself though. I find I have a tough time relating to a lot of conversations the people around me have. Job troubles, college oriented goals, even long term goals when people ask me my opinion, I have to sort of just recycle my observations or someone elses input in order to even balance at all in the conversation. In addition to that if it comes down to it and they ask me what i plan to be doing in 5 years. Its so hard to be truthful without being a douchebag. Realistically functioning in socieity so young and successful is litterally a double life. I feel the clark kent effect a lot when I am around people that aren't involved in the lifestyle. I thank my girlfriend for being so understanding she and my friend jorge are probably the only people outside of poker that i truely open up to. Even then I feel a sense of me venting things like this to them, just comes out in their ears like "boo hoo i am a fucking baby". I thank them for putting up with it truly. I do try and censor myself around them though. For instance i truely do get dissapointed when I dont meet the goals i set for myself, for instance 3 months ago i made around 15k and played around 120k hands. I had set for myself a goal for about 170k hands and did not meet it. I was pretty dissapointed in myself but If i were to complain i know it would seem like I was just rubbing it in their faces or something. "yea this is a bad month for me haha" though obviously i was happy with the financial impact of the month. I look way more to the future than most everyone I know. I want to set myself up as best i can now for the future. But i know that its tough for other people to grasp because my level of financial maturity was met only through a lot of useless spending and desensitization of money itself.

I am a motivation junky. If i am motivated i am happy. When i was in college first starting out, like i said above, i was among those people that was on step one of life. I hated it. I hated that I thought i had so much potential but couldn't do anything to make my life easier. It didn't matter how much i studied or how much i worked, I was always just going to be spinning my wheels waiting to graduate. Now i have something which I want to take full advantage of. And i love it. I can focus my energy on it and create success. But the thing that annoys me so much is the general non-motivation of my peers. Because of the spinning wheels syndrome of my age bracket, everyone is sort of in limbo. "its college this only happens once in our lives we have to enjoy it while it lasts, because then you have to get a job and get old". I'm sorry if i dont relate to that, i might just be dumb or something. I really couldn't care less for meeting a ton of women and hooking up. If thats the most important thing they have on their minds besides paying rent thats fine. But I find life as a whole extremely exciting even the simplest things bring me great joy. The thing i like the most out of anything, is to look in the mirror and say "goddamnit I am working hard for what i want and I am proud that i can exploit my potential to the fullest". That is the best feeling on the planet. And i hate when people tell me "you already make a more than good living, why do you keep working so hard, you dont even spend much." I refuse to settle. I will never settle even if my spending needs are only 30k a year and i am worth 5 mil, the day that happens i will be just as passionate about meeting whatever goals i have then, As i am today. I want to be able to exploit every opportunity in life not passing up on anything I want to do, and i want the same for my would be family that I hope to have some day. I dont want anything to stand in my way. I refuse to settle for mediocrity. I hate that so many people are content with settling for 'close enough'.