What's Next?

This was kind of a troll. Muh bad. I just thought it would be funny to post some grand "What's Next?" theme and was self aware it might be a little ridiculous to come on here and think about what is next but it goes and goes and goes because I think it might actually help me to write about it but the bottomline is I don't really know what is next. My therapist said I am where I am and it's not a horrible place or anything like that but what matters is what is next? What will I start dipping my toes into? Again, I don't know. I am just trying to take this day by day. I am a vegan day by day. I just got some Kafka novels to read. I think I have akathisia (a feeling of muscle quivering, restlessness, and inability to sit still, sometimes a side effect of antipsychotic or antidepressant medication) due to my anti-psychotic. Writing these blogs eases the symptoms. On one hand I am just in survival mode but I want to do better. There is a vegan meet up coming up in the next two weeks I will just have to see what my work schedule is like. There are no leftists meet ups. I'll still check when I have the inspiration. I would job search but I don't know exactly what job I would be searching for. I don't know if it helps to write the same things over and over. It makes the situation look bleak which I don't know how bleak it is. Right now it doesn't feel that bleak. Oh well, now the writing stops and the akathisia kicks back in or maybe it is just strong restlessness but it wasn't like it was since the Abilify has taken hold.

I don't see myself thriving in capitalism. I feel beat down. It's how they want me. Docile. It is nice that I am euthymic but for what. For my labor to be exploited and for me to mostly be in that work zone. When I don't have pizzas to make I am restless and undead. I wake up in the middle of the night and think my covers are cheese and my sheets are tomato sauce. I think I need to put another cheese in the oven. It's getting scheduled for 1 doing the job of 2. Slowing down and taking a nap today has washed away the undeadness. I feel a fire inside me yet I don't know where to focus it. The thing about capitalism at this stage is it will plug away more or less astoundingly at the behest of simple profit and greed. Not even the Real apprehensions against capitalism seem to stand a chance at this juncture. And, that is not even based in fear or anxieties. Shit is fucked up. So, what does someone do in my situation? I am talking about what's next? Capitalism plays a very substantial role in all of this. It takes activism but I fear we are so far gone that I might as well just get depressed and kill myself. I don't even think it's a PR thing. Corporations can make anti-corporation films like "Wall-E" that resonate with a large number and just laugh all the way to the bank. Capitalism is too entrenched. It seems impossible. But, I NEED it to be possible if I have any hope of thriving. My brother is a data scientist for the largest bank in the world and seems to be thriving. Uhhhh, duh. That is like capitalism wet dream. Take a math talent have him do math to figure out how to exploit people with high interest loans. Ding! Late capitalism success story. I never had a chance. I may never have a chance. Why do I continue to exist?

This just came up in my feed. "Summer Madness." It's appropriate.



I can't read books all day. I gotta let some of this shit fly. Summer madness. I remember proclaiming that 2019 was going to be the year of activism and I haven't done shit. I feel so helpless. Every avenue has been a dead end thus far. My power level is increasing. Maybe that's what I need to do. Lay and wait and read. I could read my life away.

Maybe I need to just get out in the sunshine:



This song has calmed me down a little at least. We GOTTA think of some ways to outgrow capitalism though. I get so serious about this sometimes. Life is suffering. I get it. But, capitalism causes more suffering than anything ever.

I either have to end capitalism, end my life, or figure out some ways to cope. Imagine living in a world that is completely against principles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Clean my room, get a job, bootstraps, blah blah blah. It's like there is no place for me in this world. I don't even know if anyone on this website gets it or feels me. Which now is one of those times where I wonder why I even post on this website. Habit. Convenience. whjaiefkl;aejger.

CAN I GET SOME MOTHERFUCKING LITHIUM IN ROJAVA PLEASE!?!?!?!!?!?!?

Being shot dead in Syria has got to be better than being in this fucking room.

I didn't know they were hunger striking to get Ocalon out of isolation and it fucking worked. Bingo! We should all be paying more attention to this shining diamond of Rojava!

I am just lonely and bored.



RISE UP!

I have this energy inside of me and don't know where to put it so I put it here. Capitalism is so fucking oppressive. Toil and toil and toil as I am exploited by my masters. It's all for profit. What about my comrades and I? What about us? "If you aren't happy go somewhere else..." Oh great, it's all the same. Mostly the same at least.

Then I listen to a song like:



and it actually improves my mood or at least makes me believe that Good Times could exist. I have no idea how i am going to get there or what that even looks like now a days but I have experienced them in the past and can visualize that it is a possibility in the future. I think that's why I don't kill myself. Well, one reason is that I usually don't experience really really bad depression and the other is in this Tyrion Lannister quote:

"Life is full of so many possibilities while death is so terribly final."

It's not outside of the realm of possibility that I find some other local anti-capitalists and we get some things going even if that is coffee at the local coffee shop.

I have resisted not drifting back into AA. I am actually quite desperate and don't know how I am going to accomplish anything I want to do and I want to just sit here and blame capitalism for everything which seems kind of lame but it's also true.

I think if you think being shot dead in Syria is better than this life your parents have provided for you while you bitch and moan about almost everything, you should just go over there and have at it

Good luck

Oh yeah. I was wrong. Capitalism hasn't caused as much suffering as child birth although since the 1800s it has converged rather rapidly as more or less one in the same. I would rather to have never existed than have this life that my parents provided for me. Maybe that is a shock to your system. That doesn't mean I think suicide is the right answer at this moment. Taking a lethal wound fighting ISIS for a decentralized region is a pretty good way to go in my opinion. Frustratingly, it is not viable for me to travel over there at this time and in turn may never be viable. Yet another wish that won't be fulfilled. Which is why I eat so many dark cherries and write blog posts. I guess it's better than wheels of cheese and multiple black boxes of wine.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have that thought myself.

This would be a pretty good way to go: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arin_Mirkan

Keep in mind that ISIS fighters are terribly afraid of being injured/killed by women. There is nothing more shameful for them, which makes it even better.

There's a new show called Hunting ISIS that follows internationalists in Syria. It's good.

Something negative pangs inside of me when I hear about "suicide bombings" but the circumstances here are rather heroic. It is wise to have explosives on oneself. I think in that scenario suicide is clearly better than being captured. Taking out 10+ unfortunate ISIS fighters is quite a bonus. ISIS fighters being unfortunate in so many ways.

How do I find myself in these loops? I KNOW I am in a loop but I still happily engage in the loop. It goes for all of you fuckers too. I can see that someone posted something but it will typically be just as inane as anything else. That of course isn't entirely true but still should I or we be clicking the button faster than some coked up rat looking for more coke? How could anything live up to that expectation?

I wish to paint but I have no more canvases. I wish to write something better than what I write.

I don't think I have it in me to ever go to Rojava. I mean despite my debts I could scrounge together enough for a plane ticket most likely. There is the obvious issue of medications. It is unwise for a guy as bipolar as me to just go into a war zone with out medications. Watching this TV show "Hunting ISIS" I don't think I have the stomach for it. I'm out at getting smuggled into Syria or end up in some Iraqi jail. No thank you. I'll be figuring out a different way to spend my days now. These guys seem to love getting shot at in a way. Every last one of them. I like playing paintball but that shit in real life with real ammunition is another no thank you. If I could go over there and be an English teacher or something with out the smuggling part and someone can get me at least some lithium maybe I can keep some glimmer of hope but otherwise it is pure fantasy and I need to let it go. When I think of Rojava I want to tell them shine on you crazy diamond! And, I wish to learn from them and I wish to spread the news.

Capitalism, capitalism, I'm still on capitalism. Capitalism makes me sick and then capitalism produces multinational corporations to sell me pills to make me better in some ways and worse off in others. Capitalism, capitalism, I'm still on capitalism. It's become more than the best option it has become the only option. So, I will remain sick and in need of these pills and potions.

What is next?

Well, for starters it's fighting and fending off all these loops and pleasure traps. I would have hit period and then x'd out of this website if I were serious. I'm in a grooove man. Honestly, going vegan was a great decision. I always say this. It's true though. My conscience is clearer and I feel I have an energy. Eating plants provides that energy but also the conviction to actually stand for something is powerful and I'm hoping contagious. I am hoping it pours over into other aspects of my life. I do learn a lot from this website so it is hard to just dismiss it. I don't have a social life. Some would say it would be easier to get a social life if I wasn't on here. I don't know if I want an AA social life. I want some social life though. LP is really kind of a terrible replacement for a social life though. It's a good place to learn things but not always. I think that is what I have become. Just someone that learns things. I even treated it today as if I was studying. 1 hour of this take a break, 1 hour of that activity take a break, etc., etc., etc. I get to the end of the day and I just feel a bit burnt out and in a different sort of loop. I can be intentional but what about spontaneity? Serendipity?

I was sitting here worrying about having some sort of "perfect" day like I am going to be the Tiger Woods of my own personal Renascence Man. I want to paint like me, write like Mark Fisher, read like Loco, box like Muhammad Ali, .... I need a different mental illness is the problem. I need a Tyler Durden.

What can I do? How do I spend my days? That is what keeps crossing my mind. I am not under some illusion that it is all for me. If I help my society I am helping me. Andre3000 said something in a rap earlier today that I never caught before. It was something like "If some are oppressed none of us are free." I think it can be interpreted a number of ways but I was like YES ANDRE! The blood is on our hands. No matter how far repressed that can get the blood is on our hands. It doesn't start and end with the individual and the family. We cannot forget about the community! Why is this person this way and how can I help? I wish I could just walk around my community and do this up to Why is this community the way it is and how can I help? And, what should drive change? Community action. Peer approved delegates with rotation of service.



How many of these "stars" get subsidies from the government or exploit labor?

Is there no escape?

What will be fruitful god damnit!?!?!?

What will be motherfucking fruitful!?!?!?

I just want to occasionally come across a ripe peach ya know?

Get a smile from the Other and perhaps maybe just laugh together.

I'm so serious most of the time on here.

It's like I didn't go for a walk in paradise earlier in perfect weather.

But, walks aren't enough. Neither are ripe peaches.

I'm here again. We either need to figure out how to end capitalism or how to carve out some sort of semblance of a living. There's no turning back. Once you see what capitalism is there is no turning back. There are no jobs as Account Manager at Multinational, plc. in my future. I thought WFM was the holy grail of jobs. The anti-corp corp. These things are not true at all but I need the job to eat food, etc. I don't really know what else I can do.

At least I can go downstairs and eat a ripe peach.

It's not easy being a cis white male in capitalism, especially once you see how rotten to the core it truly is. I think as cis white men, we suffer from capitalist alienation the most, because unlike people within marginalized groups, we're not part of a common struggle that many people often organize around. It's not as easy to have meaningful relationships or a consistent sense of purpose as a result, and that is why you find all these grifters like JBP and right-wing identitarians taking advantage of the crisis with such success.

You gotta find yourself a common struggle to meet people through. AA was one, and that's why part of you still gravitates towards it. There are other mental health groups you can be a part of. You can also just begin with food service, it's the easiest thing to do and the most rewarding as a noob.

When I went to this anti-fur protest a couple years ago, it wasn't my kind of environment. The people were very passionate but it wasn't the ideal environment to educate people. Most people just walked by and didn't look at the pictures of what they were supporting, some people came to troll, others just came with their logical fallacies and had no interest in having an intelligent conversation because they were on the defensive. The big problem was that some of the activists didn't know how do to vegan activism effectively. Lots of yelling at people, making fun of them, etc.

But still, I thought it was rewarding to finally step out of my comfort zone and stand side by side with other people who actually give a shit about something other than money, power, family, vanity and entertainment. Even if it was poorly managed. It makes you feel alive. And things just happen without you trying to do anything. At one point I was looking for a bathroom and some chick who was at the protest was at the same stoplight as me and she initiated a conversation with me. I had a partner but I had no female friend in real life, so having a girl talk to me and try to be my friend was extremely unusual for me, but at a meta-level it also felt unusual that such a simple thing could feel unusual, you know what I mean? Having a girl be friendly towards you shouldn't be the highlight of your year, it should be something that happens nearly every day in a sane society. Anyway, she was attractive too, and it makes you think, I could have been one of those incels, and those incels are just one experience like this away from giving up on their toxic belief system, but it doesn't happen because they remain isolated and self-centered.

No matter what, you should do everything to not remain isolated and self-centered. Even when circumstances make you physically isolated. Ocalan wasn't freed from prison, he was freed from total isolation. The Turkish state put a ban on visitors. He hadn't met with his lawyers in a year or two I believe. The hunger strike stopped when he was finally granted that simple right. Ocalan was physically isolated, but he was never self-centered. He kept relating to people, reading and writing and trying to be of use to the revolution, and that is why the isolation didn't break him. How can anyone justify pure misanthropy or cynicism and do nothing when there are people who have the courage to hunger strike for 4 or 5 months in solidarity with one person? I remind myself of such things when I start feeling "undead".

haha thought that first sentence was a joke when i first read it, 'not easy being a cis white male'. In this i think we are alienated the least, indonesian sweatshop girls are alienated the most, as they are basically treated like machines. You have some good points though. Personally i think it's pretty easy and very rewarding to take part in activism as a white male. I remember going to a protest against the genocide of west papuans and being one of the few white, non melanesian people there. some politician who was with our protest commented that she was happy to see more white people there, and i felt like me being there showed that it was not just only people from their ethnic group complaining about their problems, but people who had never been to the country, actually cared about the problems added more legitimacy to it. Also playing into people's racial prejudices, police do not mistreat white men as often. I think when bertrand russell protested the vietnam war he went and sat with some 'unimportant' people so it forced the police to a decision 'do we risk our jobs hurting this important guy'. And simply having 'important' and well known people can add legitimacy, although to an anarchist like me it's not real legitimacy of course, and everyone is equal to me. But i mean if someone like russell was beaten up by policemen then, a lot of people would have heard of it. I have felt some small amount of power by simply having white skin with a group of marginalized people.

I do agree that the white man feel's left behind and isolated if their life is not going well and all this progressive identity politics includes all the marginalized groups but them, its easy to see how they come to the conclusion that they have faced injustices, and peterson types manipulate them.

I was not talking about alienation from labour, but social alienation. Those sweatshop workers suffer enormously, but they suffer communally. I also think there is something to be said about the kind of busy lives they lead. They don't have the "privilege" to be bored, to go down internet rabbit holes and get involved in a bunch of nonsense. You get dumbed down from this kind of work and you don't suffer the lucidity of viewing the big picture. It's a different type of misery.

It does sound like a joke to talk about "cis white males", but I mean, just look at what happened with the pride parade. Neo-Nazis showed up, some guy created a mass panic and shot a BB gun. Other people are furious and calling for a straight pride parade. The irony being that there is a clear need for identity and common struggle among those who laugh at identity politics or deem it dangerous.

Likely, the toughest job I ever had was picking fruits and vegetables at a local farm. We made $6/hr with not even a thought of benefits or anything like that. I thought I was going to pick ripe peaches but only the farmer himself did that as it was one of his passions. Anyways, picking green beans is really shitty and I had the privelege to quit and not starve so I did. If you look at the situations surrounding something like conventional bananas, tomatoes from x farm, or the chocolate situation in West Africa it's pretty bleak. I hope they have some sense of community and solidarity. It's no different to the cobalt situation in the Congo or as Stroggoz said the Indonesian sweatshops. There is really probably far too many fucked up situations to really keep up with it makes me want to not consume anything. Yet, I still have an iPhone. I could be more careful in consuming tomatoes. I could boycott Chipotle. Even though I haven't eaten there in a long time they did offer very good vegan option(s). But, obviously they become horrible vegan options when you find out about the slave labour in the sourcing of their tomatoes.



How is one to keep up with all of this stuff without going mad?

The only way to not cause harm would be to meditate naked all day but I'd rather try and help people so I have to be super meticulous in my consumption with even the most basic things like food and clothing. All my boxer briefs were outsourced to India from a Swedish company. There is no way that is not a fucked up situation. And, that is just the simplest of attire. All my t-shirts are from from the same company. Who is picking the cotton and how?

I have some investigating to do on simple vegan clothing options but I'm sure it's misleading and exploitive. What does Fair Trade actually mean. To me it means misleading marketing bullshit. Cage free eggs. As far as I know there is not a single vegan egg in the store. What if I kept my own chicken(s)? Would the fact that I am using them as a commodity mean that is not vegan? What if I considered it my pet which occasionally laid eggs (naturally)?

My sister had a pet rabbit and that was terrible. It was mostly in captivity in darkness. At least it was let out occasionally, fed well, and we didn't pick out all the fur while it was still alive to make fur hats and coats. You want to talk about undead? What about those poor mink that are still alive trembling after being de-furred? It's so brutal I can't even find a google image. How crazy is it that a film like "Dominion" was more gruesome than the show "Hunting ISIS"?

If you wear fur or leather you are an asshole but I suppose it's really not that simple. I was raised to praise the Chelsea boot and leather jacket.

So, if anyone is reading this besides maybe Stroggoz and Loco watch "Dominion" if you wish, read "Capitalist Realism" if you wish, or watch some Mexie vids and take some of these things into account. I know people like iakim, Santafairy, and GoTunk are perhaps a lost cause but I don't hate them or even dislike them. I think in the past I would have written "REVOLUTION!" in 3 different languages but at this juncture I will just say that there is a revolution upon us it's just moving very slowly. If you are rich and truly happy good for you. If not we need solidarity and a revolution.

SUPERFICIAL FASHIONABLE CONSUMPTION

FABRICATED CONSUMERS
"ESSENCE OF LIFE"

You don't go mad about it once you acknowledge that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. You consume differently when you can afford to in order to make a political statement and to be consistent with your principles.

On the flip side, I cleaned my room today and it does feel pretty good.

and I bought my dad a Father's Day card. Sheesh, before you know it I'll be pushing Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens on here.

But, nahhh. I'll share my girl a privileged vegan. Thought this video was really great. Short and sweet:



She could be my next manic crush (foreshadowing)