I had a dream last night and it gave me an idea for a painting. I currently have 3 paintings in process but the thing about oil paints is that one has to let them dry in specific parts before proceeding and I usually put the paint on pretty thick so it takes a week+ for certain areas to dry. Part of the dream was Kanye West collaborated with an unknown but very talented painter and it was like an African-scape at night with very vivid stars and a jaguar sitting with very vivid eyes. I am not good enough to paint that but I might try. They asked me to collaborate on it but it was so good that I couldn't find an area that I wanted to put some brush strokes. Then my instinct was to graffiti it but I liked it too much. I didn't want to sully it. It was such a pure painting. I wish I could re-create it. What I am attempting to re-create is another dream or the same dream in which I was visited by a ghost-like, alien-like, spirit-like entity. It is ambiguous exactly what it was. If anything it was like my version of a neo-Spectre. It was a pinkish magenta with eyes like fire that changed in intensity. I just had the thought that it could be me or some aspect of me or it could be my Spectre or a ghost or an alien or (a) God or who knows?
I would still be painting but I ran out of turpentine. Nothing kills creativity like having to go out to the store and consume. Like blogging in the fashion that I do is some form of adequate substitute for creative expression...
I love that gif but I don't want to wear it out.
I think Pyramids by Frank Ocean (and John Mayer) is a good example of expression. I wish I could write songs and sing like Frank Ocean. I wish I could play the guitar like John Mayer. I am probably closest to writing songs well but I don't really have the melodies or the vision in my head it's more so just poetry and I don't particularly have the penchant for poetry. I write it in spurts usually when manic. I will never have a great voice. I will never play the guitar like John Mayer. I think I could get pretty decent at the guitar except for a lack of talent and lack of wanting to do so (in reality). I have done some music production. It is fun but then I will never create a Waters of Nazareth by Justice on Garage Band so that makes me feel like shit. I don't even know why that is the case. It's not entirely the case. I made a few songs and at least one good song on my sister's computer who used to be a musician with a small studio. It made for a great afternoon. I would not have rather been any where else on the planet at that time. It was an end-in-itself. It is only afterwards, later on, that I compare and contrast. Ugly business comparing and contrasting can be.
I think one of the reasons I like Pyramids is that it reminds me of a one night stand that was particularly memorable. If I could just have that beauty, that spontaneity, that sensualness, that joy in my life. I think I have a piece of that when I paint. I also have a piece of peace. One of my favorite things about a one night stand is when after she leaves and her scent lingers on the pillow and sheets. But, I think my favorite might be that initial eye contact, the initial flirtations, the initial kiss, a wet vagina, the initial penetration, and then obviously everything leading to the tiny death of orgasm. The afterglow. It just all seems like a small reprieve from the human predicament.
Right now, it feels like "Oh God, what am I going to do for about 12-13 hours before I can get some sleep." That is pretty awful.... I better go get some turpentine...... I am not living as if I am going to die or maybe I am. I don't know. Fuck it. I am going to get some turpentine and I am going to shower and brush my teeth in case the person who works there is an attractive woman.
Who would have guessed that eating USA Fast Food and having a hand job to USA Jenna Jameson would not be entirely nourishing? Oh yeah, I'm entirely sure we've been through this one before...
Just imagine how many women are out there right now alone and masturbating themselves. These independent, hardened chicas (and clitori) with their hardened exteriors. How can we make them melt? It's what we all want isn't it? Or, at least most of us.
I need to get to the isolation and freedom and meaningfulness chapters in the book I am currently reading (Existential Psychotherapy)
I gargled my mouth wash pretty well today. Not as well as Sasha Grey gargles semen (and probably mouth wash too) but hey, she's a professional. I am an amateur mouth wash gargler and happy to not have to gargle semen for money or for any reason.
Last night I was out in a somewhat sexually charged environment and a woman held my head in her bosom. I was surrounded by attractive women. I wasn't in a strip club surprise surprise (I was at Rocky Horror Picture Show with some friends). Last night I wanted a woman and not self-massage. The woman who played Janet had the most fantastic tits. I think most of the women in the show were queer but my friend who invited me is gay and surrounds himself with beautiful women. It was a lot of fun and a reminder that I need to get out more. This morning I was super horny and realized I don't have a woman in my life and self-massage was the only option and not a bad one. I discovered Abella Danger and I think we might have some sort of sordid future ahead of us. It's not Really Real but it will have to suffice for now I suppose. Hugs and being held in that woman's ample bosom is better than eating junk food and watching movies alone that's for sure. You gotta take your wins where you can get 'em. InCel ?? !!!
As far as paintings on here go. My first painting was in 7th grade with a great art teacher. I painted some more in 8th grade. In high school, the art teacher was atrocious and I stopped taking classes with her. Fast forward to age 33 and I am painting Monets with an artist friend in his garage. He showed me the ropes in a way but it was like Monet 101. It turned out ok but only because he was coaching me a long the way. Now, I mostly just explore different stuff. Mark Rothko was the inspiration. I don't have to paint Monets or Van Goghs. I can paint whatever I want. I have actually been really into like weird shit and Japanese calligraphy. Maybe one day but I don't even know how to get an image on here.
I am reticent to do this because this activity may be at risk of going from an end in itself to posting on here for some form of validation. I think probably the biggest reason I post on here is acting out and boredom. It's probably the biggest reason(s) anyone posts on here. Oh well, I'll post a handful and see how it goes.
This is the first one I did inspired by Mark Rothko's "lozenges." It was like... "Hey, I don't have to paint Monets or Van Goghs I can just have fun with different brushes and colors and mediums."
These are what I'm talking about when I'm talking about kind of weird ones. I couldn't be bothered to change colors. It was just improv and expression.
Spirit in French is one of my favorite words and Spirit in Japanese reminds me of the fighting spirit of the culture and the calligraphy of the characters are beautiful to me.
I have a handful of oil paintings in the works but I will hopefully not post them on here. It's kind of like work on them as I go and improve. I probably need to take a class to level up to the power level I am going to need to complete them. This whole thing is all exploratory and for fun and peace. I am definitely going to need some power ups and just flat out more knowledge (skills) to complete this one oil painting I have in my mind. I am open to tips and suggestions. I would give more interpretation on the paintings but I see all art as a Rorshach test and it's fun to keep people guessing.
The trials and tribulations of an InCel. I don't really want to be grouped in with the internet InCels cuz those guys are kind of weird. Not my vibe. Maybe I am not a real InCel in their eyes. I don't know. I got love for all people. I feel like they think it's all determinist drudgery. I want to say that they have some freedom and some choice. But, then it can go back to what motivates the choice...... Complex. I still don't have it all figured out but I want to believe we do have some free will. But, still at the end of the day I think we may not. A random muse is determinist. Inspiration for any choice may be determined. It FEELS like choice and free will that I go to "Rocky Horror Picture Show" after work instead of masturbating, taking a shower, watching a movie by myself, and going to sleep but is it Really?
Anyways, as an InCel I get some human touch and some flirtations and I want to bulldoze it ya know? The thing is I'm doing this shit sober and broke. It's actually kind of a difficult proposition. If I can drink and I have money I can just go out to a venue get drunk and fuck a slut or a cougar or a fat girl. Actually, I don't need money for that. One night stands sober are just not that realistic especially because I won't fuck a drunk woman.
It's almost like you gotta be the right amount of aloof yet like fire burning at the right moment. It should always be about the long game. I think the only way for me is just slowly getting to know women through AA or work or back on the online dating apps avenue.
I'm listening to Flux Pavilion - I Can't Stop. It's getting me fired up.
It gets so complicated. You always have to check for wedding rings.
The thing about AA is a lot of the women are super young and super sick. You almost just have to like build cred up and be an older brother figure. I am 35. I figure 25 to 45 is really not a bad range at all. Like, I'm really in the prime of my life in a way. I shouldn't bitch so much. Count my blessings. Like, my range is 25 to 35. That is pretty fucking good. It may not be as good as when I was 28 and probably in the prime of my life physically but damn man. The thing is I can date 40-45 as well. If there is a truly hot 24 yr old that can match with me intellectually why the fuck not? Maybe, I am getting too optimistic here.
I am trying to lose a few lbs. for a number of reasons and I find myself eating a half a pint of Brambleberry Crisp Ice Cream by Jenn's Splendid Ice Cream....
I would have to fuck at her place or my parents would have to be out of town..........
We'd probably have to eat at Wendy's........
God, I hate Wendy's. Even Arby's is like ughhhhh. Good for like 10 min. and then blargh.
I'm not looking for a capitalist whore. I am looking for a Ruby True. Who may actually be a capitalist whore herself. I suppose we all are to some degree. The only ones who aren't are dead. Anyways, her two favorite things are rocks and trees and she has dreads. I think I am just into hippies at the moment. That kind of reduces my options tremendously.
It's not that I can't stand most of society. It's not their fault but I can't stand most of society. Maybe this is related to my social anxiety which I believe is related to my castration anxiety to some degree but my castration anxiety is still tied into some Oedipal stuff. There is also just Oedipal stuff. One woman I want to fuck is a librarian from New York with blonde hair. I am kind of reticent to fuck her because my mom is a librarian from New York but it shouldn't matter. It is a fear of Oedipal stuff that is holding me back. But, I think the Oedipal complex is real to some degree too. I was somewhat uncomfortable fucking this girl named Kelly because that is my sister's name. Or, fucking women that resemble their complexion or whatever. It's fear of incestuous fantasy which means there is likely a subconscious incestuous fantasy which may even bubble up into the conscious at times which is incredibly uncomfortable. That's why I like fucking Brown women, Black women and Asian women. Not in that order. Woman specific. I've actually never had sexual intercourse with a White woman. Hmmmm, wow... I never really thought about that before. It's not like I just stopped having sex just because I stopped drinking. I have been InCel most of my life. With times of sheer brilliance in the sack. Even though I have been having sexual dysfunction masturbating at times recently. I don't think that is good for my confidence. But, it doesn't really matter. I have had sexual dysfunction before (too much alcohol) when it matters and it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. If anything I'll probably cum too fast. "OMG a woman is touching my penis again RAWRRRRRRRR *Mount Vesuvius Eruption* ...
I am sitting in a car dealership: TRAPPED. Or, am I? I went on an adventure the last time I was here and management got a little upset with me that I was not here for their beck and call. They had to call me on my cell phone which I answered. I went on an adventure to get Thai food. I just ate breakfast though so that is kind of out. Adventure loses it's luster a bit if you've already ran the course. What am I going to do optimize the course? Stop at the fucking shopping mall and browse? Ugh. So, I sit here and type.
It's a shame nobody on here is willing to discuss freedom, responsibility, and choice on here. That is what I have been interested in. That and Kaytranada sets. (It's also fun to watch humans behaving in vid).
I have nothing to talk about really. I guess I fuck around on YouTube and see what I can find.
There was an attractive woman sitting across from me. When she got up to get her car I naturally looked over (I was on my mac and unaware of her existence previously) and we made I contact and she licked her lips. I don't know if she was licking her lips because her car was ready or because she was attracted to me. My 17'' macbook pro and tattoos are on display. You'd be amazed at how much a 17'' macbook pro attracts women (and tattoos). Or, maybe it's in my head. I am more naturally confident when I have my 17'' macbook pro and tattoos on display. I think it is one of those cyclic things.
I think it is the same type of cycle with clothes/fashion. Although, it's so much better to basically say fuck off to fashion because it really doesn't matter (as long as it can be pulled off?) Sometimes when I dress one friend tells me I look like a homeless person or asks me if I just mowed the lawn. Another friend might say that is dope. Loco would say it's pathetic to discuss fashion but we have to wear clothes. It is illegal to be naked. I wouldn't want to be naked in Montreal in the winter although I don't think I would mind being naked in the summers here in South Carolina. I would love to go back to regional indigenous peoples' fashion. A big fuck you to Belk, Nordstrom, Lazarus, et al. It's funny how I am against status signaling with clothing and yet I am for status signaling if it benefits me (macbook pro + tattoos). At this point, I really dislike wearing suits but as soon as I get the suit on I feel lighter, sharper, more powerful. Why does that happen? My percentages in attracting a woman in a suit are much higher than any other articles of clothing (except a tux). Tux is like next level shit. You have the whole place attracted to you. But, I don't want to look like a middle class schlub. Khakis and cheap shirt tucked in with shit belt and shoes is to be avoided like the plague. Now, that I am vegan regarding clothing I don't have to worry about that rat race. Jeans, t-shirt, non-leather shoes ez game no replay. Although I don't seem to have the suitors I once had. Part time and Whole Foods living with my parents I think nixes a lot of attraction from a lot of women. So, what must be done? It is a marketing problem. I need to find the women who may not care so much about my weakness OR it is a personal improvement, responsibility, freedom, choice, problem and I need some persona growth to find a better job and a better living situation. Lao Tzu tells me to be content, to do nothing, to be like water. Irvin Yalom tells me that EVERYTHING is my responsibility and I need to take responsibility for my life predicament as well as for change.
I think taking responsibility for EVERYTHING tends to lead to more individual "success." Of course being more content leads to being more content. These responsibility champions don't know what to do with the word content. Is it not best to be peaceful and content?????
I value spontaneity. Where does that fit in?
I could lie and say I don't but I value the sensual and emotions.
I enjoy listening to music and fucking. Although, the Buddhists do have a lot right.
The meek shall inherit the earth???
Turn the other cheek???
That just give Muslims the key to taking over the Earth???
I enjoy just lying in until the sun is up a bit. Travel downstairs for a small breakfast and coffee. Then what? What am I getting out of life? How am I living before I get sick and die? How are you living until you get sick and die?
United States. Apr 04 2019 14:44. Posts 8534
