Club Soda

I was watching "The Shape of Water" the other day by Guillermo del Toro. Pretty great film. One of the characters was an older, lonely guy who I could definitely be on that trajectory. One of the things he said struck me. If he could do it over he would have fucked more and taken better care of his teeth.

i went to a therapist when i was around 7 years old. It was a calming experience, i had problems with anger and violence because i was bullied a lot around that age. They gave me some fairly useless tips for releasing my anger in non violent ways, but not of confronting my bully. All around i would say it was a pleasant experience because i got to talk to someone that was very sympathetic and empathetic, this behavior was completely alien to me. They did not offer hope for me, nor did they change me psychology to any great degree.

I went to another therapist around the end of my teens. I had addiction problems and their advice was to gradually ween myself off it. Again, useless advice to me. I feel like they should have tried to deal with the root cause of why i had problems like that in the first place.

Have not been to a therapist since, it is free for under 24 year olds in my state and i can no longer exploit that-it's absurdly expensive.

when i decided to quit college my parents agreed only if I went to see a therapist, so I did.

I was fixated at the time with this ephiphany that life "isnt real, its just a ride", I suppose its some for of epicuristic nihilism where the only thing left to worry about is to enjoy life and not take it seriously, so I remember talking with her trying to talk about Bill Hicks, the end of Evangelion and I suppose I couldn't articulate it well enough for her to understand it so It was just a waste of time.

Not to sound very "Good will hunting" but I think its very difficult to give theraphy to somebody considerably above your intelligence.

I went to a therapist when I was 16 years old. For some reason I experienced heavy anxiety and stress which caused health problems. Went to several doctors with my parents because they thought its physical illness, after a while the doctors realized its mental, so I visited a psychologist for a few months. Just talking no medicine. It helped completely. The brain a funny organ...

Psycho therapy in general I think is a very useful thing. And I consider talking deeply with your soulmate/parents/friends group meeting that too. It's not about intelligence. Its about understanding new viewpoints, understanding your and others feelings, being able to speak your mind and not be judged.

On March 30 2019 17:09 Stroggoz wrote: i went to a therapist when i was around 7 years old. It was a calming experience, i had problems with anger and violence because i was bullied a lot around that age. They gave me some fairly useless tips for releasing my anger in non violent ways, but not of confronting my bully. All around i would say it was a pleasant experience because i got to talk to someone that was very sympathetic and empathetic, this behavior was completely alien to me. They did not offer hope for me, nor did they change me psychology to any great degree. I went to another therapist around the end of my teens. I had addiction problems and their advice was to gradually ween myself off it. Again, useless advice to me. I feel like they should have tried to deal with the root cause of why i had problems like that in the first place. Have not been to a therapist since, it is free for under 24 year olds in my state and i can no longer exploit that-it's absurdly expensive.

It seems strange to only offer it to people under 24.

How expensive?

I am paying like $250 per session these days because my insurance doesn't cover it and nobody told me until I called my insurance company months afterwards. I filed for financial aid so we'll see where that goes. When it was covered it was about $100 per session which still seems kind of expensive. My current psychotherapist seems worth it though. She has a bunch of advanced degrees and is really into it and understands the existential aspects of it all. We'll see though. Loco once told me seeing a psychiatrist is in some ways similar to seeing a whore.

What were you addicted to?

On March 30 2019 23:45 Baalim wrote: when i decided to quit college my parents agreed only if I went to see a therapist, so I did. I was fixated at the time with this ephiphany that life "isnt real, its just a ride", I suppose its some for of epicuristic nihilism where the only thing left to worry about is to enjoy life and not take it seriously, so I remember talking with her trying to talk about Bill Hicks, the end of Evangelion and I suppose I couldn't articulate it well enough for her to understand it so It was just a waste of time. Not to sound very "Good will hunting" but I think its very difficult to give theraphy to somebody considerably above your intelligence.

I know what you mean. I had a period where I was into determinism and nihilism and it was just outside of my therapists depths. She thought there might be something seriously wrong with me and wanted me to go to this big shot psychiatrist/psychotherapist in town but my insurance wouldn't cover it and I wasn't going to pay those fees. On the other hand she did help me out with occupation training and I took all these tests for free and actually found out I had learning disabilities that if I went back to school I would be accommodated.

Is The End of Evanelion a must see?

Therapy is in a way some form of life coaching but there are other skills. I don't think a well trained psychotherapist has to be super smart or smarter than his/her client. My current psychotherapist even said she isn't that smart but she is definitely smart and also well-versed in a wide range of techniques and training and studying. She's definitely smart but I get the vibe that she was a very hard worker in school and truly loves what she does. I corrected her the other day on the pathway of unconsciously incompetent to unconsciously competent but it really doesn't matter. She understands the darkness. I don't know how but she does. She understands the existential angst and death anxiety. She understands a lot. One day she basically told me I was being a pussy and that I should at least try to fuck the woman I want to fuck. Or, it was also a commentary on the complexity of human dating and fucking. Then challenged me to at least do some things socially before the next time I see her.

Your point holds true though. My current psychotherapist is probably closest to my intelligence if not greater.

i played lots of WoW, when i was a kid, it took over my life for 1-2 years. I was like gollum from lotr haha, lost a serious amount of weight and brain cells playing that game.

The problem with therapists is they can only deal with problems at a personal level. 99% of the problems in the world have some external factor, which is sociological or politically related. If say someone goes to a therapist to get help for a drug addiction, the therapist cannot offer solutions for ending the drug trade or shutting down mexican cartels (unless they looked into this issue on the side). They cannot offer economic solutions for economic decay that leads people to drug addiction, ect. This to me is a serious problem-they have limits in looking at the root of the problem, and to me that is not satisfactory.

On March 31 2019 13:38 dnagardi wrote: I went to a therapist when I was 16 years old. For some reason I experienced heavy anxiety and stress which caused health problems. Went to several doctors with my parents because they thought its physical illness, after a while the doctors realized its mental, so I visited a psychologist for a few months. Just talking no medicine. It helped completely. The brain a funny organ... Psycho therapy in general I think is a very useful thing. And I consider talking deeply with your soulmate/parents/friends group meeting that too. It's not about intelligence. Its about understanding new viewpoints, understanding your and others feelings, being able to speak your mind and not be judged.

I just thought about this but there becomes a certain intimacy with ones' psychotherapist after a while. It's interesting. I can tell my therapist that I want to murder Dick Cheney and she has go all professional and say "do you have a plan?" But, on the other hand I can tell a friend that I want to murder Dick Cheney and he can laugh and say "Yeah, I know, me too." But, outside of suicidal, homicidal, genocidal thoughts I can tell my psychotherapist just about anything. Oh, I do tell her about suicidal, homicidal, genocidal thoughts as well I just don't always like the response. We can still have a little levity on those topics o c c a s s i o n a l l y but not often.

It is somewhat about intelligence mostly because everything is. If the psychotherapist has the extra processing power to solve problems, ignite change that is going to be very valuable to the patient.

I mean you said you wanted to poison the rich and suggested genocide in a previous post. I did not reply to it because so many of your posts are just disconnected with reality. You deal with reality first. It's obvious that killing the rich can't even be a serious proposal. Once you start dealing with reality people can start taking you seriously. I guess a therapist is legally obligated to take crime seriously and report it, but probably a good chunk of the population who know cheney, would prefer him to be dead, especially given the recent movie about him.

On March 31 2019 16:23 Stroggoz wrote: i played lots of WoW, when i was a kid, it took over my life for 1-2 years. I was like gollum from lotr haha, lost a serious amount of weight and brain cells playing that game. The problem with therapists is they can only deal with problems at a personal level. 99% of the problems in the world have some external factor, which is sociological or politically related. If say someone goes to a therapist to get help for a drug addiction, the therapist cannot offer solutions for ending the drug trade or shutting down mexican cartels (unless they looked into this issue on the side). They cannot offer economic solutions for economic decay that leads people to drug addiction, ect. This to me is a serious problem-they have limits in looking at the root of the problem, and to me that is not satisfactory.

This is true. When my psychotherapist asked me what my problem was I said "Neoliberal economics." She went "Que?" "Capitalism." "O RLY?"

I think there is still potential for positive change within the confines of neoliberal economics but maybe not. It seems really tricky if the psychotherapist and the institution is Capital driven. This psychotherapist I am currently seeing just seems to care about helping. Her salary is such that she doesn't really have to worry about anything as long as she stays in a certain purchasing sphere. She dresses very down to earth. She always wears this oversize sweater coat that looks like she or a family member made it.

I mean Capitalism is the problem. But, we live in a capitalist society and the USA is not ripe for Revolution. What are we to do in this situation? I think there are ways to improve myself to make my life a little bit better and also be in a better position to take part in Revolution if that situation were to look brighter in the USA or Canada. I probably could scratch together some money to travel to be honest. Go to France or go to Rojava. What is holding me back is my mental illness and medications that are keeping me together at this point (or so it seems). It's a real complicated problem. Recently, I resigned myself to just coming home from work and eating a bunch of junk food and watching movies but that gets old real quick. You know what I really want to do? I want to come home, do a volcano, take a shower, do shots of whiskey and fuck some hippie chick drink the rest of the bottle and pass out. Hmmmmm. That's what crept out of the subconscious. A girlfriend would be nice. Some friends would be nice.

It's almost like within Capitalism we are just minimizing damage. Piecing ourselves together to survive. No one gets out a live and our fear of death leads to absurdity within this world. How does one even thrive in this world we live in?

At work, I don't know which is worse. Making a bunch of pizzas or not making any pizzas? I feel like a caged animal more so in the ladder actually. Thinking back I could tell you about what pizzas I made yesterday but I have to think about it. It was like I was on mega auto-pilot. I made one pizza while completely in conversation with someone. Now, I am home and I choose to write words on here. I think that someone could actually have some answers. Many of us know the problem (neoliberal economics) yet we don't do anything about it. It's almost like that is what I am doing with my psychotherapist. How to live better in a Capitalist world. Maybe I should do some things with friends instead of hole up and read Mark Fisher all day.

And, I just got a call from my sister and nephew. They make me happy. What happens when Capitalism breaks and the world is over? My nephew might find out. I am instilling in him anti-Capitalist sentiment as best I can. My sister is an anti-capitalist so it's not frowned on so much. I don't dare with my brother and sister-in-law who both work high up at JP Morgan Chase. That's really gross but I still love him.

Help me helpmehelpmehlpmehlpmehelpmehlpmehelpmehelpmehelpme

Help us

nous sous tous enfants and citoyens de la Terre

We are the children and citizens of the Earth!!!

"To endure life, we must prepare for death." - Freud

I am not even sure exactly what he means by that or how to interpret it correctly but I think it is wise to get as comfortable or as understanding of death as we can. Alex Honnold is living a better life than me most likely. Ché Guevara. Others. I mean I don't really know but I have an idea. Those specific lives may not be the lives for me specifically. I believe we have some semblance of free will and have some choices to live our lives in a certain authentic way. This is certainly better than the way Capitalism would have us live our lives. As undead producers and consumers. What is bad about fear of death is it actually induces producing. We all want to produce our great works to be remembered by. It tricks us. Even if I am just making pizzas I want to put in that immortal shift and even if I do I want to put in another and another. Fear of death makes me want to have children. It pushes production to the brink. To the point of no turning back. Then we consume for relief, for status, to be an individual. The thing is we don't need an outfit to be authentic. The sum of our actions decide authenticity. I mean I have a friend who bought a huge warehouse with his military money so he could focus on being an artist and a carpenter and even housing budding artists with studio space upstairs. It may be an unsellable house. He built tunnels everywhere so his cats could play. He dresses like he shops at Goodwill. This is an authentic person. There is no real purchasing authenticity but as humans we do have to consume to some degree.

Another M came to me in my dreams last night. I have no other recollection of the dream but I remember her face, and her body, and her tattoos. She always reminded me of a white Rihanna. She also had BPD. BPD stands for Bad News. There was one day I was quite manic helping a friend with putting in an extra room. I mostly was on insulation duty. Just surrounded by this pink matter obsessing about vagina. Specifically, M's vagina. We had flirted quite a bit and talked about our history of one night stands. She had also been a stripper..... (Run away......) No, I soldiered on. It was her birthday and i had gotten this idea in my head that we were going to have birthday sex. There was a part of the job where I had to go about two knuckles deep into the insulation to locate something I don't even remember but it had to do with putting the wires through I think holes drilled into the wood. I was just fucking stupid manic and it was exciting me. "Find the G Spot Game." "Practice for tonight."

Anyways, my friend eventually had a sexual relationship with her and then cheated on her with some young woman in the rehab he was working at. Young woman overdosed on heroin, My friend disappeared for 3 months on a heroin bender. Too many Ms. I'll call her Mo started drinking again and BPD ramped up absurd. I always wanted to fuck her but I don't know if I could just get in and get out like that with her still around to manipulate and going to all the same meetings.

Probably no one has seen ContraPoints new video but in it she does a no gender bit and it was pretty funny and I had a dream of Mexie doing a video in a white gown with no makeup on. It wasn't her usual format. People were sitting on like stairs to some University and having a conversation and Mexie was killing it as usual.

A Buggatti Veryon will mask a fear of death in many ways. The type of person to own a Buggatti is typically as far away from death anxieties as a human can get but this uniqueness, power, control, etc. does not mean they are immune from death. Does a lack of death anxieties lead to "success" in today's world or do the 2 play off of each other? Is authenticity the goal? What is the goal? Should I kick ass at work so I can forget death and become immortal even though I know that immortality means very little and that I can never avoid the fatal end? What are we all doing this for? It has got to be more than just the libido.

I'll tell you delving into this stuff I have felt more anxiety as of late than I usually do. I think it's more than just death anxiety or how is death anxiety and social anxiety related. I had some social anxiety twang up pretty bad yesterday and it has been effecting me. Which I don't know. I don't even really understand castration anxiety or it's effects. I have obviously experienced it to some degree but that is one that is tricky for me. That's probably mostly on a subconscious level but there were times more so in my teens and twenties that it showed itself at the forefront. Abandonment anxiety seems easy enough to get. I am unsure if either of those relate to social anxiety and death anxiety seems to be sub all of those lurking in the depths but perhaps the strongest anxiety.

On March 31 2019 16:23 Stroggoz wrote: i played lots of WoW, when i was a kid, it took over my life for 1-2 years. I was like gollum from lotr haha, lost a serious amount of weight and brain cells playing that game. The problem with therapists is they can only deal with problems at a personal level. 99% of the problems in the world have some external factor, which is sociological or politically related. If say someone goes to a therapist to get help for a drug addiction, the therapist cannot offer solutions for ending the drug trade or shutting down mexican cartels (unless they looked into this issue on the side). They cannot offer economic solutions for economic decay that leads people to drug addiction, ect. This to me is a serious problem-they have limits in looking at the root of the problem, and to me that is not satisfactory.

So what if they have external factors, it doesnt mean that you cant personally tackle that external factor differently or that it doesn't even need to change for you to get better.

Thats like saying that you dont find urology satisfying because they cannot address the societal diet issue that is making kindey stone problem more prevalescent... he can't but he can treat you, and might also give you some tips with your diet on how to avoid further kidney problems.