viele Gedanken

It has gotten under my skin. I am still not sure what it means yet. I have thought about it all day. I was born, I grew up, I have to work, maybe I get some true leisure time in there and then I die. I can die at any moment. But, what is work? What is a paycheck? If nothing is actually real. It feels like I need to eat food and it feels like I need to have shelter. That's not really a meaning as much as it is a need. It almost seems like there is not even a lot of wisdom in it. It just is. I still don't know how I feel about this unrealness. This unrealness that science and philosophy reasons. But, apparently there is no reason, no meaning, and nothing is real. Then how can I be typing at my keyboard and other people can understand or not. This meaning of words again is an illusion. But, what if I want to live in this illusion? What is the benefit or disbenefit? It doesn't seem to matter. Nothing seems to matter. I am supposedly already whole. I can understand that. There are no puzzle pieces to uncover, there is nothing to find. I can get that. It just goes against everything I have been taught my entire life. What do you do if you are living in a dream and find out that nothing is real? How do you live that life?

German

I guess one thing I do is re-learn German. I don't even know what the end is I am just doing it for the sake of doing it. I guess my dream is to go to Berlin, read Byung-Chul Han, Nietzsche, Heidegger, Hegel, Kant, Kafka in there native language, and attend the University of the Arts (in Berlin). Those seem like big aspirations and I don't even know if it's possible. With enough help from Eros it is possible. I really don't particularly like frantic, hectic, work and I need some sort of out. I am already becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject and I need to be careful.

Work

I think I am learning how to get into hectic rush mode, how to transition into break mode, and how to transition fully into sovereign leisure mode. It's almost not even possible on back to back days of work as that night or that next morning is hard to escape work and move into a sovereign leisure state. I need a solid day off or two to get back to my natural state of adante. A state of slow moving and passionate living. This hectic, always productive, always optimizing work is not natural. I would be lying if I said that it pleases me. There is a certain art and skill and a flow state to making pizzas and some of the interaction with the Other are pleasant but of course I wouldn't subject myself to it if I didn't have to eat food and want to sleep within a temperature modified dwelling. Wage slavery. I am renting my labor out in return for Geld. There is always that wonder if there is a better place for me. I really don't know. Ich bin möde. Ich habe keine Ahnung. Ich komme aus Müdigkeitgeselschaft.

Like, really how to we manage work? My dad was saying he loved that his work was something new every day and that he could work long hours because he enjoyed it. That feels like an illusion to me. The illusion of freedom that Han talks about but maybe it isn't. My current job has all the danger signs for burnout for me. How much production is enough? How much optimization is enough? I am already beating myself up over it and there will be a day that the sameness hits. This is all part of the self-exploitation. The nervousness and the anxiety. I wish I could turn it off but I can't. It feels that I have to seek something and I don't know how I turn that off either.

So, that is where I am at. I am trying to figure out what non-duality means. What it means in regards to my life and living this life. In relation to everything else I thought I found out about this life and continue to find out about this life.

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I don't really know if I have to linger on non-duality. It just is. Yet, it permeates my thoughts.

selfies selfies selfies *click click click* faster more faster morefaster fastermorefaster

You know I have gotten rid of all my social media. I am social media-less. I got rid of most of my apps on my phone including tinder. But, I haven't gotten rid of LP. My drug. The bane of my existence perhaps? I feel free on here until I don't. I have "breakthroughs" on here but for what? There is nothing to find. That is one thing that has been really hitting me hard lately. Everything is temporary. I was at the beach earlier today. What a beautiful day. Took a slow stroll across the sand and then took a dip in the ocean for some ocean bathing and body surfing. I was baptized today in that Ocean. I was reborn. I had some spicy red curry with a thai iced tea and some coconut ice cream for lunch. What a delight. It doesn't matter. Where am I now? I am no further and no closer to where I need to be. I am already whole and complete. Why does that sound so dissatisfying? Why am I so dissatisfied? I like to hold onto illusions like brain neurons firing in a pleasing way will last and that I have control over anything. Like Jim Newman says: leaves tumbling in the wind. It is so predictable that I hop on LP. I realized there couldn't possibly be universal meaning in life but I thought quite maybe there could be some meaning terrestrially. Taking in a rescue kitten, helping someone in need, creating some work of art but these are all illusions. There is only nothing and emptiness. If I die today or in 10 years what's the difference? Why even stay alive? Humans like stories. There is no narrative here. Doing x amount of things or spending y amount of money doesn't mean anything. I was always skeptical of enlightenment but I thought maybe there could at least be transcendence or salvation even but for a moment. It's not real. It's a dream. It is language used that doesn't actually mean anything. All there is is nothing and everything. I am not wise. I am just sharing the thoughts that now go through my apparent brain. There is no longer an individual but I long for it to be there. There's this brain in a meat vessel that isn't me. I don't even think it's a brain. It has just been called a brain. Fucking trippy stuff.

"I" get hurled down this rabbit hole and what am I supposed to make of it all? Probably nothing. Maybe I should devote all my life to making a simulation within the simulation. One where I am eating spicy curries and eating icecream and getting blowjobs from hot 19 year olds..... One where I can't discover non-duality and simulations. I don't think it would work. Would you choose an experience machine over current "consciousness"?

So, I sit and I contemplate and I linger some more. What does it all mean? Nothing. What should I do? I don't know. I don't even really know how to wrap my head around this whole non-duality thing and I never will but as I said it just fucking permeates my thoughts like a little worm. I don't want to know this. I am dissatisfied by this.

I don't want to end up on the streets. Why not? It just seems rough out there. But, I am attached to my bed, 70 degree dwelling climate, waking up with the sun shining in, and walking downstairs for some food at my leisure. None of that is a need though. I "need" to eat food though? In all reality I could go 30+ days with out food before dying. I am also attached to "my" life. I don't need to live. Not eating for 35 days and dying of starvation sounds like a rough way to go but it's no different to being a jet setting multimillionaire who dies at 90.

My mom is vacuuming. ¡It is ruining the vibe of Eros! How do I know? I don't. Is Eros real? Who is to say? Just another concept. Just another illusion. I wish to be a leaf floating down a calm river. A flower open to the light. It is all the same as wishing not to die. Maybe I'll go sit in a room and stare at the wall for an hour. Reading philosophy sounds a little more stimulating. How is it that some science and philosophy is so compelling yet nothing is real? I am really trodding down a different track here. Apparently, making up words like trodding. It's all experimental but it all doesn't even matter. I'm running experiments just for the sake of running experiments. Running experiments so I don't have to stare at the wall or stare at the white space. More, faster, faster more morefastermoremore. Let me forget death. Let me forget the emptiness.

It all seems so pointless. Maybe I will just stay here and write until I die of thirst. I am thirsty though and have water just downstairs. That would never work. I'll swim out into the ocean until I can't tread water anymore and drown. This is all so silly. I'll make $100k+ a year and buy a Porsche 911 and ask Tens out on dates.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

fastermorefasterevenfaster schnellmachtschnell ¡rapidisimomomo!

Butterflies aren't real? It's all a dream?

I want something more. T.T

I still think I am an individual. Hopeless prison. At least I "die" when I sleep.

Social media is the worst. I haven't deleted my Facebook but I haven't logged in in months.

My girlfriend's niece and nephew are visiting and we're taking them to San Diego today. We're going to La Jolla to see some sea lions and then take a cruise. We hung out in Hollywood and Santa Monica yesterday.

We just got a new kitten and he's super cool. I'm probably going to take the kitten and move to Vegas soon. Life is good!

Banal. It's all so banal. (My posts especially)

Nephews are rad. They popped out of a vagina so let's make the best of it. God, we're all so fucked. Hopeless prison. Why would someone do such a thing as have children?

I really like kittens though. Rescuing kittens has to be one of the best things in life.

Why would you go to Vegas?

To play poker. I spent a bunch of time there during the wsop and I loved it. I would prefer to stay in socal but I think it's time to part ways with my girlfriend and I can't afford to live here by myself. She has a house here and is only charging me $400 a month rent.