I am in denial about the things i am in denial about
(depression?)
I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings about depression. A lot of help from fellow humans. Many that do not even know. One key thought today was an analogy compared to quicksand. If i find myself in depression, to viciously fight and struggle typically only makes things worse. It tends to multiply the feelings of depression with guilt and shame. I am a human being. Human after all. I will feel depressed. It is going to happen. For me, it is better to be aware of that reality, be accepting of that reality, and then let go of that feeling and get on with things. Pick some tomatoes. Call some people i care about. People that inspire me. Energize me. Listen to some daft punk. Some James Blake:
One thing i really enjoy is on Spotify there is a playlist where someone combined James Blake's album "Overgrown" with James Blake's commentary of "Overgrown." I find it really awesome and inspiring. I forget which track it is but he talks about how he feels that as a singer, when he is expressing himself through song, he is just a vessel for whatever is going on at the time. That is his reasoning for doing all his albums in one take. If he starts editing and this and that it is in some ways taking away from the expression at the time and diluting the message. I am not entirely sure how i feel about this. One thought, is that we are all capable of carrying a message from "God," we just all have different ways of expressing those messages. That is not an original thought now that i think about it. From my knowledge, that comes from a YouTube video of a live show of Jay Z at Barclays. I think i make that connection because how i became aware of James Blake was from a Jay Z interview on the Breakfast Club on YouTube. Sometimes all these little coincidences and connections are fascinating. Sometimes that is just too much to think about and it is in my best interest to move on:
Man,
So, another thing that has been on my mind:
Eh, Fuck it. Ya know?
Sometimes one wakes up
rubs the eyes for a bit
robotically, unconsciously makes some coffee
looks out the window for a bit
nibbles on some food
sits down does some stuff
drinks some coffee
time to move some bowels along
time to sing a song
time to move on
but before i forget:
at some point i have some feelings and thoughts on:
pride
positive energy vs negative energy
energizing occupation vs de-energizing occupation
expression vs suppression/repression
C O L L A B O R A T I O N
so, i would love to hear your feelings and thoughts on anything. Feelings and thoughts on above. Feelings and thoughts on whatever you are feeling and thinking.
Moved to the US in May for a 6 month research internship at an US-American university (usually iam a PhD student in Germany). To keep my expenses low (since €-$ conversion sucks balls since several months) I searched a furnished Apt. with roommates. The city where Iam at is quite small and is basically University all over the place. Mostly places were leased by big property managements that have certain areas where all houses look the same, you have some amenities and stuff.. Was hard to find a furnished one for only 6 months but managed to get one for 8 months and agreed to that. It is a 3 way Apt. but everyone signs his lease individually with the management.
When I arrived I was the only one in the Apt for a month after that I got some1 moving in. The guy that moved in is literally the stupidest person Ive ever met in my entire life. He is a American and he has over 300 videos and 2000 photos of himself at Facebook (that says a lot already imo). Every post on Facebook from him has at least 2 very critical grammatical or spelling errors. Also the things he says don't really make sense and you have to figure out what he means. So far so good. So I thought okay if we get along for the next 5 months no problem and getting along shouldnt be that hard as Iam usually not in the Apt from Mo-Fr from 8am til 9pm since I go to work and afterwards to the Gym every day.
Turned out I could be wrong. He bought a cat in the 2nd week he got here and I was a little worried 'bout that. Iam fine with pets but a stupid person carying for another living thing ?! But ok...
His day-night rythm is completely fucked up he stays awake the whole night and then sleeps maybe during the day (I have no idea ?! since sometimes he gets up early and leaves. sometimes he is gone for the whole night.. i have the feeling this guy is up to no good). He started doing his laundry during the night... The washing machine is fucking loud and next to my room so I couldnt sleep at all and he did his laundry at times like 3am.. So I was not too pleased with that and asked him wtf was going on and if he couldnt do his laundry at normal uptimes. He agreed.
After a while he asked me on FB what iam doing from (random date) to (random date) and for me that was kinda obvious that probably he wants to go away and wants me to look after his cat so I responded with "yea iam in town and can watch your cat". He was totally amazed by how I figured that out ("lool. so crazy howd you know that? none of my american friends could have figured that out. omg. lol" <- I think that demonstrates his stupidity once again). Just the night before he left for his short vacation trip he did laundry again in the middle of the night and I had an important meeting the next day. He also packed his things afterwards for the trip in a very loud way (smashed his cupboard and let things randomly fall on the ground). Basically he kept me awake from 2am to 6am. I wrote him a FB message that I was super pissed and that I already told him to not do his fucking laundry in the middle of the night and that he is very disrespectful and that if he does that ever again shit will get serious and stuff. He responded with "u 2 have a great day" "dont worry about the cat".
After the first sentence I was furious.... The 2nd sentence didnt made annnnnnnnnnny fucking sense. A usual human being would think that he took his cat to his parents or a friend or something (why would he say dont worry about it?). Turns out that was not the case and I still had to worry about his cat but that probably just him being stupid.
Watching the cat was fine for me and he offered to give me money for that or anything but I declined since it wasnt a big effort and its ok. After he returned I talked to him about the incident with the washing machine and his response to my message ("u 2 have a great day") which upset me big time. He couldnt even look me in the eyes and kind of apologized but he started lying and said he apologized on FB 5 times and that I was still kinda yelling at him through FB. I told him that is kinda stupid to lie about something like FB chats where everyone can proof it asap with the log.
He avoided me (was probably a bit afraid because I kinda raged a bit in the conversation since it is just reckless and mega stupid) for couple of days but after some days we were cool again and everything was normal.
Iam the one that is in charge with electricty (some1 has to register it and then we split internally). He hasnt paid his electricity duties at all so far. He told me that he would pay me at least the June bill on Friday. So far I was absolutely cool about it as I dont really need the money asap but I definitely want the fucking money that I already paid for him. So he still owes me june and july bill!! To be fair he said couple of times that he doesnt have the money right now and if its okay if he delays his payment a bit. I agreed as I didnt need it asap and one day he told me "hey. thanks for being so cool with the payment stuff. i dont wanna be in debts with ppl. i will definitely pay you but i dont wanna fuck up my credit and i need to pay fees when getting cash (he needs to pay me in cash since i dont have an US bank acc) but Ill get it til friday and then you get your money". I agreed once again.
Til Tuesday he was not in our Apt. at all (its sunday right now).
So A) no payment on Friday as promised but even worse
B) his cat is in his fucking room alone for already 5 days straight. He didn't say a thing that he was going to leave but since he posts his whole life on FB I know that he is at his parents place and he was talking about getting a tatoo (so nno money to pay me but going on vacations, getting tatoos and stuff). The cat is at least alive since I can hear it "mwauing" but I have no real idea in what exact condition or if its shitting all over the place (I hope it at least shits in his fucking bed).
This guy is sooo fucking irresponsible and awful. Question for me is now: Do I go all-in and report all that shit to the management and try to get him kicked out ?! (I have no idea when this idiot is planing on returning) or should I stay cool about it and wait at least a day more and see if he comes back.
I can see by looking at his door that it is unlocked. So theoretically I could enter it BUT he never told me a thing about leaving and shit and I dont really wanna enter his room without any permission from him (since he didnt say a word... and its kinda illegal to just enter his room and I dont wanna get in trouble). I could just msg him on FB but I see it happening that he will just say something "oh i left my door unlocked. just watch the cat pls" and then out of a sudden Iam responsible for whatever happens to the cat. I definitely do not want that!
The only thing about trying to get him kicked out is if they dont kick him out and just charge him for being a jackass then our life in here will be pretty fucked up (as he will be super upset facing charges and it will be obvious that I told them like a little pussy behind his back). On one side I dont care too much about that but on the other side I wanna leave in piece and sleep during nights. So I would prefere a peaceful option. That can only be: not saying a thing or forcing a kick-out or if he just faces charges try to get the management to move me to another building or stuff.
Hey guys... so i'm not sure anyone can really help me with this, but writing alone might help, so here it is.
I'm going to start with the beginning.
Mai 2013, my Ex dumps me. I start working out crazily to get hotter or something. October 2013, i'm with my current girlfriend. Mai 2014, i start a new job in a new city, goes well.
September 2015, i get hired permanently, and its also a really nice job, with only 35 hours/week and good pay, etc. However, one of the guys who trains me has a throat infection. A few days later, i get some weird pain in a weird spot in my throat. I see several doctors, some of them try antibiotics, etc. Nothing works and i'm stuck with this pain. It sometimes gets better, but when its bad, just talking hurts. They even make me see a throat specialist, who doesn't find anything even with a scan. I get worried it might be a cancer or some shit.
November 2014, i go in vacantion with GF in cuba. everything goes good, but the plane makes me VERY ANXIOUS (no panic attacks or anything, just normal anxiety). After this, for some reasons, i decide to stop working out. No real smart reason for this... i guess my motivation was to get hotter for the girls and that stopped.
beginning January 2015, i get vacantion, and i play CS GO almost all day. i get weird feelings like my hearth stops when going to bed... 2 days later, i get some chest pressure which finally does something similar to a heart attack -> i later understands its probably a panic attack. I go to emergencies, they do ECG, but nothing.
February 2015, i now live with my GF, but i still get those weird symptoms of all sorts (hearths stop, chests stabs, chest tightness, pains in arm, etc).
between January and now, doctors do severals tests to me (6 ECG, 3 blood tests, 1 echo, 1 CT scan), and they never find anything heart related.
One doctor suggested it could be hearthburn. But the heartburn medication only helped a little, i still get those strange symptoms. However, my strange throat symptoms now stopped after that.
Another doctor suggested its anxiety, and suggested i see a psy for that. I saw one a month ago.... she tryed to find what could cause this anxiety, but really, i couldn't find anything other than this chest pressure. She seemed to think maybe there's something wrong with my stomach and i should see a specialist.
So i took now have a meeting with my doctor on september... but i'm not sure he will really do much.
Nowadays, the only symptom i'm getting is chest pressure/tightness along with annoying feelings in left arm. Only thing which seems to help is hot showers. One doctor even gave me Ativan, but it only helps relax, it doesn't make the pressure go away. Sometimes the left side pressures moves to the middle and give me a weird feeling of difficulty breathing but my lungs are fine on X rays.
Doctors/internet suggested me all kind of breathing exercice, or suggested to exercice, but it doesnt do anything for me. I mean, if there is actually something making me anxious (like plane), then yes it helps, but there isn't...
I don't really know what to do anymore.. it seems to get worse over time (have the tightness almost all the time). I don't want this shit to affect my job or gf. Sometimes it goes away for 3-4 days but thats it
Now that I got Hearthstone out of the way, I am going to play some poker now lol.
Have been talking to SemPeR a bit about poker when he was switching out of poker into software engineering. But I didn't really take his poker coaching benefit until July when he came in and visit from Vancouver for a week. I asked him what is the best way to learn poker fast (lol) and he told me to get into heads-up. Played a bit of HUSNG and got tons of advice from him.
The HUSNG traffic is terrible in the States, so I found my way to play on stars again. But instead of HUSNG, I feel like Spin and Go's are probably more fun to get into. So we will see! Will post some graphs soon.
Also been going to TI5 every day :O I still got work to go to, so my schedule has been getting up at 6am, go to work from 7a-4p, and just go straight to KeyArena and watch some dota 2 with a beer in my hand (YES). Definitely tired after this whole week. Today is the finals, hope I get to see some good DotA 2 games.
Check out this video, some great points especially in terms of scheduling/dedication
I had pals from Scotland/France visiting + PS party with free beer, so after cutting alcohol I was constantly boozin' in it for old times' sake.
Making podcast for pokerstrategy+fun NL2 coaching, dating this cool chick, doing stuff in Prague, gym, social practice, menprovement, mandatory TI5 watching...
And in the midst of it I played just 20k hands of poker in 20 days. I did burn out before then working really hard, and I will remember this summer (marshall, girls, prague, pals visiting, PS party, menprovement stuff, podcast guests...) on my death bed but the main message I got from that vid is that it should all be about this one main thing that has the highest priority first and foremost, and especially when I feel like playing I should drop all else, turn off my phone and just go and put some hours in and do all the other stuff when I don't, just like Jay and his workouts before competition.
Had a really fun rollercoaster here in LV. Met tons of great people and enjoyed myself jut about everyday. Now that most the players are gone, theres really no reason for me to stay. Too much sacrifice when Bovada and WSOP.com are similar in opponent level.
anyways, heres some cool screen shot of poker stuff and ill try to add some pictures from the vegas trip later on a well.
Some MTT wins, won a lil $5r mini, they did a 20r that day too the major, almost 2
Theres the month before vegas (bovada) in may http://i.imgur.com/eXYkKqW.jpg
Had some deep runs in MTT's etc, last night I was in a MTT, top 6 paid, 9 left, MP lag jams, I snap AK, she flips AT, i had 64k she had 60k, i was in 2nd she was in 3rd.
T99xx runout fml first was pretty fuckin nice
So im gonna bounce and just grind bovada and chill with family and friends, I suspect after 6 month lease is up, I'll come back to Vegas and sign 6 months here.
Going to work hard on stacking and saving my money, have cut a lot of life leaks and was pondering staying here, but i'd kinda rather be with friends and family and ski this winter + get home before 5 feet of snow
Looking forward to my next trip out, Kinda broke even, was a really good vacation that I needed though, all the days not played were usually drinking my favorite wine (barefoot)
Hi LP, last April I moved to Budapest due to cost of living/poker friends/night life, turned out to be a great idea, anyway I don't want to talk about poker much but it's going ok... I would like a 100k score or a 30k month in cash but it hasn't happened for the last couple of years but getting by ok, tournaments on stars cash games on other sites.
Anyway, when I was 17 I noticed that I was around 56kg and wanted to put some weight on so started to take gym super seriously and by the time I was 19 or so I was 70 kg benching something like 80 kg. Of course since then I had some girlfriends and have since drifted back to full on nerd mode from the age of 22 and have dropped back to 57 kg (I'm 5ft 8 and 29 years old now) eating whatever but not alot, smoking a bit too much and in general have felt just more unhealthy for the last year so feel it is time to take control of it before it is too late.
I elected to follow mainly a Paleo diet because aside from all the hype at the moment it seems obviously healthy, I have decided to include milk products because I really don't seem to have any lactose intolerance and I do not eat seafood so I feel there is some milk products I can get Omega 3's etc from (I've heard bad things about capsule Omega 3?). Although I am a somewhat picky eater but definitely see food as fuel so am trying to eat healthy and as much as possible now I am training (just as heavy as I can multi jointed exercises 12 down to 7-8 reps over 3 sets as I hvaent trained for years feels like a good approach for the first 2 weeks or so. I am also adding a large amount of whey protein, due to its ease and cost effectiveness.
Then in my other two meals I've been eating a combination of chicken/turkey/bacon/gammon/salad/carrots/brocolli/bell peppers/cabbage/spinich/corn as there is not a lot more vegetables I really eat. I've also been adding a piece of fruit like a banana/apple daily and a glass of orange juice. I am trying to eat as much of the vegetables as possible but it's hard work .
I've been adding a multi vitamin and finding milk products for my omega 3's.
I've started taking creatine as well mainly because my ex housemate left a kilo here unopened and doesn't want it, and drinking plenty of water. I am snacking on half a dozen or so pistachios a few times a day.
i'm adding about 90 grams of protein through whey daily also, maybe overdoing it here, getting about 90 from whey and 60 from food daily. I have whey with water apart from before bed when I have whey with milk.
On my training days I am simply warming up using a rowing machine and using weights, while I am relatively unfit in general because I do not need to lose weight I am under the impression freeweights are also good for my cv health?
This is just a mismatch of things I've heard and thoughts I had since I was training when I was younger. The problem is when I was younger I obviously just exploded because of my age, also the main reason I am doing this now is for my health with looks/size a secondary factor, although it will help spur me on for sure if I get quick results. I know there is a ton of experts on here and if anyone could give me some advice about anything here.
Just playing for fun after a few years of not playing at all.
Never been really good at it.
Not looking to spend too much time playing poker, but I actually like it again .
Update: bovada live poker and uber?by SuperCardUser, July 30
Been playing some zone on bovada. Watching videos on card runners and working on fundamentAls. Doing well in live 145$ nightly Mtts. Roi 100% with 48$ hourly. Hope that keeps up cuz it's small sample. Buying a hybrid so I can drive uber part time if I get low on money. Haven't had a job in long time but that seems like ok part time work and I can balance poker in very easy. Lots and lots of work ahead. Started from the bottom now I'm here.... Still near the bottom...????
Escape and Expression and Feelingsby RiKD, July 29
Hi LP,
Sometimes i find myself a bit overwhelmed. I suppose i could just write a personal journal or talk to some close, trusted friends but for whatever reason it feels good to write a blog on LP. I know and trust a lot of people on LP. It feels comfortable to write here. I do not mind posting my feelings on an open forum. Inspiration, truth, love, creativity, discussion, all these things are good.
This post is going to be a conscious effort to escape and express my feelings. I am not sure where it will go.
Actually, I may just decide to write it here and not post because i do not want to be afraid to express something.
I have a lot of fear. I have a lot of grief i am still getting through.
Damn, i am still grieving my grandmother who i loved so dearly. I miss her. Can i let go of the fact that i can no longer experience her love and care? Can i let go that i can no longer help her with her tomato garden and pick and taste the freshly ripened tomatoes? Can i let go that i will never experience another home cooked meal on her porch finished with some port and conversation serenaded with crickets and calmed by a cool summer breeze?
"Running" by Gil-Scott Heron and Jamie XX just came up on my Spotify playlist. I am good at running. Especially from my feelings. I always have been. Someone once told me, "You can always run away... the problem is you have to bring yourself." I like that. I also like this song. It might be better escape than writing so fuck this for a bit.
Ok. I am back.
Just real quick.
How do people get to a place of courage? of acceptance? of peace? of joy? of love?
I thought i got there sometimes with drugs and alcohol. That black box of wine, that bottle of Hennessey, that bottle of Jack Daniels. I give the cashier the money and i know what i am getting. It is not even really a drug dealer. They sell like toothpaste and soap and milk and cereal and deodorant and bread and butter. Oh, if it is Target they also sell some pretty reasonable paraphernalia to consume. Once consumption gets to a respectable level (or horrifying level depending on the perspective) one can just keep a decanter full and get to that heart and lungs place. That place where i do not have to feel or think. Can i let go of that place? It never truly brought me courage, acceptance, peace, joy, or love. Some nights i tried my damndest. I mean really did my best. I mean attempted to go damn near through every bottle i could get my hands on to search for the answers. To get to enlightenment. To get closer to God. Sometimes in the oblivion, in the silence, in the stillness it was close. I never found any answers but at least i did not have to feel. Of course, the consequences were horrendous. I was completely destroying my mind, body, and soul. I am still dealing with all of the wreckage and all of the surrounding emotions and feelings i now am getting better at learning how to deal with. To let go.
Women, weed, weather, gambling, HBO, Showtime, Netflix, music, powerlifting, porn, reading, writing, talking, man, so many forms of escape and expression. They all work until they don't. Dependence can be a helluva thing.
Sometimes i feel angry. Sometimes i feel guilty. Sometimes i feel pride and guilt for the same thing. I feel as if i am still grieving the loss of my job.
Can i let go driving into the mills early to meditate with a cup of coffee as the sun rises over Lake Michigan? Can i let go of all the people i laughed with and worked with to be of service to a community? Can i let go of that apartment and all that cool stuff and my kind of town Chicago?
Damn. Is there ever peace, love, joy, enlightenment going down the rabbit hole of a "Taking a bath, you should come over" text? Trent Reznor has a song i really like about that. Getting closer to God. Yeah, probably another one of those things that works until it doesn't. Can i let that go? Can i let go that i will never have sex, drugs, and rock n' roll ever again? 1 day at a time?
The progression of mutual attraction, love, and spiritual partnership is a beautiful thing. That is something to aspire to.
There are definitely better ways to escape than getting high on JOI porn and skeeting into a towel. I feel some shame and humiliation for that. That is one occupation i can definitely let go.
Sometimes i do feel lonely though. I feel bored. I feel depressed. I feel that feeling those things are ok. It is just about finding the best ways to escape and express those feelings, hopefully, without suppressing too much to get to those places of acceptance, peace, serenity, courage, joy, love, wholeness, closeness.
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first was pretty fuckin nice
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