How do I poker?

Hi there. I spoke to your brother, TeamLiquid, he said you were a pretty cool guy. I'll try to be brief because I don't really have anything to add to LP, oh well...

Basically what I'm wondering is, how do I poker? I'd narrow it down a lot more if I could but I don't know anything about playing poker for the sake of increasing my bankroll rather than just fun. I just want to be not just another fish, you know?

I've tried to gather as much information as I can on my own but quite frankly I'm lost. I think I've gathered the basics, BRM, play TAG so that I don't do anything stupid and so on.

So I guess I'll just start firing questions: Which site and what offer? I've heard I might as well start unlocking some poker software, so which one?

What do I play? I've heard everything is good and everything is bad, but for a beginner, what do I start playing? I think MTTs are too high variance, right? As for personal pref. I guess I like SnG's more but anything goes really.

I probably have a lot more questions but I feel like I'm intruding so I'll bother you guys later.

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