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jedi lizard king pt7
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 18 2024

PRESENT DAY: This is one of my "field" notepads, from time I was doing actually well. I literally took them to the pub with me, write drunk :D:

What the fuck are you doing biatch? Your values are fucking being an AWESOME PRO.
This amazing positive force of nature that pushes forward, fucking LOVES to ride the waves of ups and downs.

Fucking powerful habits like a fucking jedi lizard king, getting a fucking hardon at every possibility of improvement!

Living life to the fullest!

Thefuckyou cunt is this, you have a billion dollar body, you watch junk, you eat junk...ass? You're gonna be in love with pushing the process, doing amazing shit, right now, go towards pain, feel it, then do the awesome thing. You're gonna get excited about making life amazing!
How? Habits! Hard to so something? START! ACT!.

Heavy feelings, anxiety, overwhelmed? You're gonna FEEL IT!
As hardas you can!
Feel it in your GUTS!

Then realize you are NOT THAT ANXIETY. Your mind has awareness of it, It's telling you to ACT, and do something amazing for your life and other people!

SILENCE, SPACE TO THINK!
Is fucking massive. This amazing superpower, use it. How you ask?
Throw ball, shower, clean, listen to music, count from 300, hypnosis.

AGGRO MINDSET
towards improvement. It's absurt you hide in distractions, vides, games, porn, junk food. And remember - smile smile and smile, that's how life is great!



In a club at 9pm
During swedish house mafia I let go totally. Rage came out, I was totally screaming
- runbad
- cold, sick, can't push myself.
- Aunt with alzheimers I have to take care of constantly.
It felt like I reconnectyed with myself, a whole person, same as in the gym. Push it all out, felt serious, like I matter again.



"Watching H3H3 while chugging on nutella at 4AM., WP son. The fuck hah" you're a fucking nutter when I, the supervisor me, take a break.
Defision - give inner monologue a name. Talk to it. Schizophrenia is good when self-induced. You are a madman, and I love it. When it's controlled.

I hope these notepads won't be like nixon tapes.



Corey Wayne
You have to be great with you. You need to believe in your value in order to accept the love of other.
You are ok with just sitting on your own.
Never seek validation from others.
YOU are the source of your validation and motivation, women are not your therapists.
Relax, do what feels right, just act! .
Go in the direction of your passion, and let people hop on and off.
=> Poker was FUN today, I loved the pattern, loved writing through my issues, facing them head on, they quickly dissapeared.

Ask yourself great QUESTIONS!
Win, lose, high stake, low stake, broke , rich, fat fit, nothing changes.
It's about this week, this day, this hour and thismoment. Do your best and that's all here is. Breathe, plan, pause, observe, face reality, exercise, sleep, ask good questions, focus on answers and solutions, stretch.


Sugar is like a fucking poison. Avoid poisoning yourself, take care of yoursels like you would take care of a loved one! Your time is your best resurce, it is VALUABLE!

Pavla + michal BEER WITH THEM IN the tall buulding! It was awesome to see her, talk to her about the bakery,hos she likes girls.

Basketball is great, go again!


mindset
Believe in your strategy, get cocky "I am gong to make the right decisions every hand"
"I will crash and make better plays, sizings etc. than they would if situations were reversed"

Think longer term, consistent right decisions, winning money is not inmportant in the short run, making your best decisions is all that matters in the present. "They'd not bluff here, I will be disciplined and make the rigth uncomfortable bluff = > make $$ in the long run.
Feel GREAT about close folds and think good bluffs, when you play better than your opponents no matter the result.

It's amazing when you do good things like a walk even when you don't feel like it AT ALL, you took action.
Believe in yourself, you are you right now, others are to help you. Ask "what are you proud of" "how can you be even greater?"


FLOW
= Emotions + thoughts in sync.
Goal: pay attention to thoughts that reinforce + support your values.

Default mode network: Mind is active the most when it is resting! Remember the lecture about shrooms.
Defusion helps with calmingyour mind. Notice your thoughts!


Imagine your thought process as 1st graders arguing and you watch them. So what that you feel fat, you worked out, you ate late in the day, you always feel off and that's okay, you had caloric deficit. It's natural you feel anxiety about strangers son, you were overwhelmed, your mind is NOT empty and you have not practiced.
=> Get into advice mode, be a student, get perspective

Aim is to stand back from thoughts with a perspective.

PRESENT DAY: LOL I went to get a few beers, wrote this at a pub from ACT book, then went partying!

LEAVES ON A STREAM
imagine standing on a small bridge, leaves in a brook keep floating on the river, you watch as your float each floats on theleaf, you let it go. If it comesback, you watch it float away again.
Try to catch what interrupted you.

DIFFUSION
1) predictable, repeatable thoughts that seem part of you
- What if I lose?
- I need food when I feel bad
2) Dissapearing into thoughts, failing to get tasks done, letting time pass
=> try to catch the moment when you dissapeared into thoughts, when you fused.
=> Identify triggers.
Record your MIC IN SESSIONS. .

Notice thoughts, diffuse from them (singing, leaves on a stream, 1st graders, writing)
Accept them and act on those that support your VALUES.

I had a weird chat, my "high" self was giving me a lecture, in the mirror and was analyzing my situation, it was being understanding in this schizophrenia. It gave me steps, like I am a kid, I even talked back to him, basically having a conversation with myself. I felt this need for women, playing dota, watching 30 Rock, I wanted to hide away! He told me it was ok, to accept the consequences of eating that unhealthy food, that he gets why I did that . What a virtue signalling cunt! All smart and shit, righteous, he is you! It's hard our there for a pimp though he ain't getting it.


Emotional flexibility.
Corey wayne rules have been damaging actually.

I am a lot like Trump, use the nose breathing to compose myself. I use gestures with hands. I pucked up the head tilt from Jack Donaghy


I felt just totally awful today. I leaned into it, wrote fast and I started even yelling, took deep breaths, my eyes started watering. I realized "give me more, MORE" as I went overboard with emotions which brought - awareness as I overplayed them! I was smiling like a madman as I felt through that, put on aggro tiesto at Lazarska tram stop.




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Comments (1)


Dinosaur! pt.6
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 18 2024

Last 21 months ish you weren't updating your game properly. It is normal to struggle.

You are like a dinosaur, people got better, you got worse. You skipped modern trends
- Overbets
- Check/raising
- Block bets
- 3Bet properly, mix in hands like QXs in BB
- Different ranges in SB, BB for 3bets
- You strayed off of fundamentals.

CommentLATE COVID ERA ENTRY - I hit a low there, some of these bad habits I still have:
+ Show Spoiler +



DTTG/Adam Coaching:
+ Show Spoiler +



You feel amazing when you have momentum, but - you have the tendency to feel bad, guilty, like a victim for the past.
=> Instead, accept your situation, make friends with the past and plan for the future. Then all that is left is be in the present.

Yesterday I got rekt around the clock, hard session. Sour taste in mouth from the day before when I got rekt. Face hard days head on! analyze your "bad" hands, feel the feeling. Use solver, pete, snowie, make rational recommendations for actions you can later take. E.g. "I will make a big river fold or two despite my feeling to prove "I am in control. You learn from mistakes, you close the day, make friends with the past. You got to be successful bu continuous work, hard graft. Things are never the same however, you can build on the past and make friends with it, but you are older, situation is different, your body, the games, the times are different, your experiences are different. You get to adapt to the present situation instead of trying to relive your past self.


Whatever your reality is NOW, that's where you ARE. Embrace it, breathe it in, accept your current baseline, the tool syou get to work with. Every moment is like Metal Slug, you get dropped into that fat cunt that eats shit jaffa cakes from local supermarket every day, has rotting teeth, neglected their studies and is atticted to fucking prehistoric video games lol. That's good, look around you, this is what you play with, these are the conditions, this is where you need to smash with your Machine Guns like in metal slug baby. Drop into the present moment, experience the most amazing nuances of the lows and the highs.

Low confidence => you study to feel good, not so you may improve in the future = > sootinh your ego after losing hands. Well no - you should study spots that will make you the most MONEY over the long run.



  The pope was visiting the US, and it dawned on him he never drove a limo. So he asked the Chauffeur to swap with him so he can try it on a highway. The pope then got a bit too excited and went too fast, he got pulled over.
The policeman took one look at him, ran to his squad car and called the HQ
Cop: "this must be some huge deal driver I just stop"
HQ: "Is he a mayor?"
Cop : "oh no, way bigger than that!"
HQ "A governor?"
Cop: "Wayyy bigger"
HQ "Just how important is he? Who is it?"
Cop: "I don't exactly know, but he has the Pope himself as his chauffeur!"



I was so chaotic today. In the end, I forced myself into writing again, it seems so weird as I haven't done it in a LONG time. The habit has been extinguished. I have to think about writig, it is uncomfortable after a break, I need to consider how to write. Like putting down year.

Praha - kyje. I remember Kyjsky rybnik, I just went for the fuck of it, swam in it, had a beer I remember thinking "I get to do this, no work in so long, I get to have a job again, I remember a lot of garbage stuck in my head. We are all one people. Feel your body, use the power of sexual energy, distribute it throughout your body, welcome it. Humans are like ants, all the same at the end of the day, with fun little variations, different functions, but parts of the same whole. And so are you.



 
Martina Cross. So I met this lady in a shitty techno club. Her name was Martina. Crazy, goes to churches to yell, then she texts me she got beat up after I left. She was 46, telling me about her underground Priests, and that I should totally go to her village for one of the ceremonies. Funny thing is, I did consider it but didn't go in the end. She was a former healer, escort, dancer, even told me about her two abortions.





Focused session
how did it start?
- Drunk
- Stressed
- Could be dropped from stake
- accepted I will do something else, get a job, let it go.
I GET to play poker, this is MY TIME, my responsibility, my life.
=> Talked to Bros staker, he told me about peopel crusing waking up at 4am to play the timezone.
I just did it, woke up at 4am!, then continued, went to the gym, sorted rent etc.

4Am waking up
all around that schedule, gym many times per week, using Sleep With me Podcast at night. Floorball, wotkingout, did driving lessons at the same time etc etc.

Poker
What story is he trying to tell?
What are you achieving?
Break down the combos!
Calm, collected, contemplative and relaxed!
Do the NHL Goalie trick - when they are scored upon, they drink water - focus on the drink, how it goes down, the sensation, break the pattern, let feelings flow.
Visualise - leaves on the stream, rope with a rock being cut. Write your A-game journal, write things you did well, read them in low times.
Do frequent reviews, do "drinking with a notepad" if you have! I went to a concern in a shit punk club and started brainstorming between dancing, drinking and talking to the natives.
See what works, potential, improvements, what doesn't look rationally, evaluate.

Then embrace the grind, schedule makes you money!
Gamify your life - Focus P,ant app. You gain points for not using your phone, make plants that look like tamagocchi.
Nitpick the positives in life! - Ben.nie Podcast


1) Do more Legs, front extensions, as they are great for floorball.
2) I let go, despite doing gym 5x per week, also got beer x2, wanked x2
3) Poscast with ben.nie made be realize I have a long way to go
4) Sprints are key, I used to do 10x10 sprints with variations
5) Discovered figure skating - valieva is a prodigy! Anna - stable underdog, trusova - fiery passion. Tuberidze - treats em like a factory.

I was stressed on Sunday, too many ukraine news watching, there are things you cannot control. There is a whole universe of galxies and you cant control any of them. Sometimes you do your best yet fail anyways. Hard to take, but you need to let go of that controlling attitude, the only thing you can control is YOU.

Clinging to old habits, to way things are doine even when not working is like grabbing onto rotten logs in the river.
Let go, swim towards the vastness of possibilities. Go outside, observe , see what your body does, open, excited about opportunities. Teust in your mind, train it , study those 3 bet pots, review them, practice. Wonder at what your mind has produced, even if they are mistakes!

Walk
I was it was snowing, amazing! I went out in the snow, danced to Tiesto, went to cibulka, ran up the stairs, made a snowman, sweated a lot, took a you know, in the woods.
=> I remembered TMC in ENgland roadtrip, some thai lady outside, tiny screen. "Ladna" on the bench lady"

Imagine you wake up, youe friend calls you, tells you they appreciate you - how would be your day?
C*** boss at the gym, always nitpicking at Cibulka walking around


What's hard about poker is when you use your creativity, exploit, are right, it works out, and then he sucks out - you went out of your way, want to be VALIDATED and rewarded for your UNCERTAIN creativity . E.g. Call JJ MP v UTG to back raise 150bb deep vs spazzy guy that 3bets QJo. He jams AK, turns an ace - no cookie, no reward, no validation, which you seek!
Solution? Validation needs to come from within! take responsibility for your plays and feelings, you think to be amazing in the long run. Confident, exctited to play, pumped up, not chasing one pot results. If it doens't workout, so what? You tried, pushed, thought hard.

Objectivity is vital, Eric Seidel doesn't take losses personally. Treat poker as a business, invest, analyze, it will function as a defusion technique. Work on exact accounting, it should feel great when you invest an hour into your business (aka poker) .
You invest into your poker business, your hours, effort etc. make it count.


 
You are amazing, the work you have put in will benefit you for the years to come [Present day comment: the 4am schedule for sure did]. I know it might feel shitty right now, but you are pushing your mind andbody, you are building habits that will make you win at life. Keep at it, even a year from now I will thank you for what you have been doing. It's painful right now, thank you for going through it, I love you, sincerely, Future me.



Last week you did 62.5 productive hours. You lost but were excited, proud, fist pumping! The sad fact of life is, many people fo to their graves with their music still in them, This will NOT be you, let your music out there! You have amazing amounts of power because you did the work, gym 5/7 days, group sweat, gro study, social life, pierre, aileen, stuck to routine, checklists, sleep, had long hours, this is vital, makes you feel great.

Keep up the 4am routine, stufy, grind, gym. Youi went through lows, but wrote through it, all he feelings. You get to workout, plau , wake up, study etc. not got to.


[----27 Pages of Fuck, cunt, rage-----]
Look at past 27 pages
your body is rebelling, you have done so much work it's insane how much more you have done in a few months than an entire YEAR before. Your ankle hurt, backgot sprained, wrist was messed up, hurt when you lifted a lot. YOu craved chocolate, ate a lot, slept.

This is NATURAL, your body is trying to preserve homeostasis, you pushed your body, ifyou persist a new baseline will be set. When you abruptly push harder it's normal to feel tired.

Galfond: Don't forget the WAY
Stop
reflect
You are a story teller during hands
A detective.


GYM
Absolutely VITAL. Was extremely hard, pushed often, worked out a TON
=> Increased yields, more and more on elyptical.
variety is great, added music too.

FOOD
I removed a lot of sugar, but overloaded x2 ice cream sugar etc.



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Comments (1)


Death! Pt. 5
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 18 2024

Death = > we all have it in common. Alot of addiction, distractions, religion is there because of avoidance of death. . Accept it, as a fact of life, you don't know when it might come.Even ACTIVELY VISUALISE DYING!
I was watching people on the tram, even young kids, feels different knowing they are all temporary, 100 years fromnow they won't be here and will be just vaguely remembered. Petty squabbles, procrastnation, missunderstandings with people are absurt in the face of death. So are prejudices, anxieties, denial , habits. Would you REALLY spend 10 hours playing dota if you knew it's your LAST few hours you get to live?

It felt tranquil when I made watching the ball in sports my sole focus. In-game, in action there's no point improving shit, FLOW is all that matters, rational improvements do not, as they will just pull you out of flow.
=> Write mistakes down AFTER, review them, make a plan and then PRACTICE. Samewith poker. Even considering your past hands, posting onskype, "what can I learn" should be done after the session is done. It RIPS YOU FROM FLOW! This hand, right now, nothing else matters. I have always had a bunch of knowledge but strigglet to apply it CONSISTENTLY, not just in BURSTS Before deadlines. Habits are the key, so is facing death, when proscrastinating.

Pool is amazing. Listen to thrisha (peak poker performance) on habits, laws of human nature, be realistic. Understand that generation you are in, inner aggression, a dark side, social situations, fear of death habd an impact on you, have formed you. ACCEPT IT, bring SELF-AWARENESS as much as you can. Be readically honest with YOURSELF, while enjoying putting onmasks with others, as you always do. OWN your masculine and feminine strenghts. Singing brings flow, I migth be fascinated in expressive women, drawn to them as I suppress the same within MYSELF. Use your dark side for good, channel it positively.

Star Trek TNG Story:

 
Wesley fucked up, killed a cadet. He owned up to it later, and Picard told him "You have made a mistake. You are facing the consequences. There are hard tmes ahead, take it as a matter of fact, as taking responsibility for your own actions. You accept the feelings, your new situation, and you deal with it head on"


- Chills seeing Picard deliver that so powerfully without judgement. Both understood the sutuation, the punishment, yet acted as equals, no passive aggression, no yelling, whining, no hiding from the consequences.

Zig Ziglar: There is always something you could do this week to make your life all worse. But that also means you can make it better - the choice and responsibility to act, react to whatever your situation is, is YOURS!

I had some weird experiences, started laughing. Went doing dips on children's swingset, while listening to Laws of Human Nature, contemplating death. While at the same time thinking about trying to fucking channel the nofap energy into more reps. So bizzare I started seeing the ridiculousness of it and started laughing.

Face your own errors, and face consequences. Pain and death are part of life, feel it, acceptit, CHANNEL IT as best you can. Feel your judgement of people, try to balance the natural biases and brain making assumptions automatically.


I keep to rationalise my PAST Actions right away - In poker after a decision I t ry my best to rationalise it retrospectively, often feeling guilty and trying to hide it - this doesn't allow me to face thespot and actually change it. The decisions you make UNDER PRESSURE through IMMEDIATE ACTIONS are a resilt of habits, experiences, you you fed your mind and your current state.
You should NOT:
1) Feel guilty for such immediate actions
2) You should accept it as part of YOU, all your life lead to that monent.
3) If you think you can act better, work on
- habits
- states
- feeding brain with inputs that will lead to increasing improvements.
Study your past actions like an observer or an impartial scientist. Without prejudice. not "I could have done XYZ ro feel better"
It's that "dead you" => focus on present, focus on forming the NOW for the FUTURE. Accept, own up to and take responsibility for your actions instead of getting hung up on the illusion of constant rational control.

It feels amazing with people to notice their bodu language, expressions, try to figure out wgar rget are thinking, feeling, it's like I've been blind and now I amstarting to see. You are you, you mold it slowly by habits, you listen to, read, but use your CHARACTERISTICS = not fauilts but CHARACTERISTICS, skills.

Morning routine:
Bruish teerg
shower
stretch
breakfast
Write
clean
Walk
positive resources like Coray Wayne.


Grandma is awesome, real inspiration. Take care of your body, cold shower in the morning, There is depth in every person, make it your point to take them as facts to be explored, fascinated by
1) body Language
2) Pause know your own thoughts.
BITCH, why do I spend so much time + trying tryong to project them?
3) Try to get into their shoes, figure out how they see the world, what drives them, what their values are, what motivates them, how self-aware they are.

If we don't suffer we don't learn a thing. Life, bu definition is suffering, embrace it, live it = > before sunset at the bus. Live in the moment, just choose to live and be happy in this moment. Trust your uniqueness.

At this point you were meeting Vera, David, Aaron, bash.

I don't APOLOGISE, I take RESPONSIOBILITY . I THANK, accept my mistakes, calmly. I move on, rectify through ACTIONS! I am my own mother, my own father, I look for approval from WITHIN, use my constant creativity, imagination to build my character. I see people for who they are, facts, to be fascinated by, explored, unraveled, with their flaws and strenghts, NOT as a blank canvass I paint my projections, insecurities and hopes on. The MUSE has to come from WITHIN. I have a beatifully creative mind, I can live in fantasy, come up with solutions, idealise people, situations.
=> You project patterns on people instead of making space to get to know their real self. You interrupt with ideas, listen, nmind wants to interrupt, acknowledge that from within Observe it, let it go + listen. You are overdoing projections in poker patterns.

In Love
Make mistakes, keep making them. Worst in us can comeout, make shitty decisions.
BUT! As I WRITE, work, I have strenght, self-control, experience to keep self-control.
=> Try your best to keep self-awareness.
=> Try your best to tone down projections, take people at face value, pay attention to ACTIONS
=> Keep realism, be fascinated by sttrenght

Listen to people, take them as facts. You know your own head, there is no value in talking ot trying to be funny . Get their poing of view, try to figure out how their mind works, find it fascinating.
!Hope! Always have long-term focus, what things you can do to inevitably crush. You are DONE surviving, doing the minimum, trying to please peple.

When planning
Always lookfor realistic delays, things that can go wrong. Budget hours for unexpected events. Plan for what you do if shit goes wrong. Watch your own videos! Why wouldn't you enjoy watching your own work?

Alex
- Poland,22, has mom polish embassy worked, considers herself czech. Camp leader for volunteers - jewish cemetery etc.
Translates between organizers, likes skulls, parents separated, religious reasons
=> This was in meeitings with aaron, bash, Alex. Pointed out I have dated self-centered women.


Nofap
Can't write this one - "getting horny, hot chick yada yada, what I'd do to here"
Use sexuality as energy!


Feels amazing with no porn.
Horny? Exercise, makes you horny, you exercise more => win.

Felt guilty for rejecting O's hand when we met in Brothers when we were crossing a crosswalk, lot of resentment, "take care" as in bze ´: it was over. When I said I was pushed physically I worried that she will judge my character, as weak, or that she will assume my life is tirind. Worrying about how I look in HER eyes = > projection, thinking about me, perception of others.





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Comments (2)


PT4 - Here in my EMO
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 16 2024

PRESENT DAY COMMENT: alot of introspection here, this one's from ages ago. I really wish I put in the years :D

  But you know what I like more than materialistic things? Knowledge.
-Tai Lopez




Near end - too tired, my "funny" persona came out, went unauthentic. Loved how I let go of myself, just watch and listen without judgement => increases connection, I puckup on things I otherwise wouldn't. Was still hard to do with A) emotional charge B) Pushed physically. Was cool to talk openly, still feel like something is off, she doesn't listen nearly as intently, I can tell she gets bored/thinks of a rebuttal/counter argument. Talks a lot, doesn't ask for feedback, every time I want to talk in deep terms etc. It's like talking at her, like I'm straling her time - she is in her own head, didn't ask me about my job, what I'm excited about etc...Z. seems to be right. Was I dating self centered women? With J. I got super intertwined, codependend, to an unhealthy level. Physically still B+ Attraction, love movement she makes with her body ane expresiveness, doesn't her active self when younger. With some women you feel great with them and around them, but feel worse about yourself, unappreciated with -ev on your life. Learn from relationships for the future, it can take years to get to that stage again.

I have feeling I need to explain myself with people, never felt acceptance. I do exactly thesame brain-inner monologue, always processing, trying to rebute with fun comments/questions, think about implications to me, strategy, what the person will think of me and my answers. I am self-centered, all I do think about what are people gonna think about me. My shadow side is that struggle, to be outward oriented, instead of discovering people I start to think how to make them react to ME, what implications for ME there are. I do attract like people B. very self-centered, challenges you instead of accepting your POV, thinks of impact on others, hwo she can change your mind togher views. You feel a constant need to put her down. I'd listen so people like me, so they feel good, in better cases, not for genuinely unraveling what they are and think.

I want to be there for people, for them to be there for me. Just take them as fascinating facts, someone who's POV, values etc, I want to discover, unravel without making them feel like they threaten me, I judge them etc.

How?
1) Sort your inward stuff - write, honesty, be centered.
2) Switch places, imagine you in their head, it's your aim to think like they do from their eyes. Try to see their motivations, values etc.
3) Find people you want to be more like, selfless, less self obesessed, not judging, like Z. You become who you are around.

I felt like tension dissolving when A. ignored my phone call. realised it'snot about ME, I really don't have to take everything as a reflection on myself, I can focus outward, on people, soaking in their behavior, try to feel it without constantly judging if it's a reflection on myself.

Remember death, mortality, this day matters. Imagine you will be gone. Exercise
1) pick a person, any
2) Pay 100% attention, only ask qiestions, mirror, observe body language. Do 1 per week, tell them you are doing this, write notes. End goal: be calming presence, getting lost in understanding people.

Fucking amazing experience to just switch off inner monologue, just observe people, it shifts focus from thinking about what I will say to
- body language
- feeling from within, what their expressions mean, observing hands.

e.g. Neck gets tense with high excitement, changes in normal expressions
=> observe normal state, FEEL the differences.

----
Unfriended A - feels like a weight was lifted, not because of her, but because of me. It's like letting go of the obsessive, anxious, self-centered ME she constantly reminded me of. Even now my brain goes into overdrive, strategising about "what will she thinkwhen she sees, I hope se won't feel that I am trying X or assume I'm butthurt." Again tying it to ME, how I LOOK and how i cam make me LOOK better.

Instead - it's like cutting that rockat the end of the rope of my past hangups. FEEL IT! Act by your heart. I want to slowly open how to be open to the world, to have, gain the ability to step out of my self-centeredness, and truly FEEL people without always tying them to me, and their impact on me. Converse without inner monologue, start with a couple minutes with one person. End goal: ability to feel people withourt judgement, inner monologue indefinitely. Including lovers, family and enemies!

Hates when she told me to stopmaking excuses about the my parents on the way to B. It hurts when she shuts down when I do something hurtful and she shuts down. When I talked itdidn't feellike she listened, but see + think how it impacts her, get butthurt, offended, felt like I talked at her. I felt liek I can't be myself, vulnerable around her. I didn't wnat to be artound her when on my lows and in the shit, like B. next to the river. I always feltlike I needed to manipulate her into seeing me, sleep over, didn't make me feel respected, her controlling mother, father she can't talk to openly when things are bad or he's in his mood. I am controlling and self-centered, thats why we were together for so long, I Struggle to listen without monologue and impact on ME, I make jokes that make me seem funny, put down the other person. When she didn't text I thought about if she doesn't like ME, she disrespects ME. It was a struggle after I dropped all the other girls, started to have painful hit on ME. I'd get hooked on sex. I was overly concerned about what she'd think of ME, how she'd react, I was afraid to lose validation/her/reactions. I can't hold that against others, it'smy responsibility to have self-awareness, to want people not to need and use them, but look within, face yourself, be with people to be with them, be present instead of using them.

It's hard for me to shake my past habit of manipulating women. I often project my fantasy instead of taking situations as facts, react and be open to them. Was awful when I went through all that effort and she focused on a couple missing rafaellos, thinking about her own projection of getting a full box - felt like we never we never accepted each other, or our own selves, good and "bad" things especially. Always centered in our own heads, projecting, assuming. How can I face criticism from others when I am hiding from my own internal one? I was insecure about long text responses. Opening up about this with her felt great.I had a very long monologue about her being bad at listening, lol! Focus on what you can control, wonder outwardly at what people do, they are like the environment. It's amusing seeing how they feel, get butthurt etc. from triggered to amused by human nature. No situation has to be so stressful that you that attacks you on the inside, I felt pain and rage instead of being amused by what's happening - right cards not falling, player in dota feeding, girl not responding - life becomes a wonderous opportunity to explore and learn. KISS - Keep it Simple, Stupid.
If you're outward oriented all you do is try to understand, empathise with the other person. Yu don't get controlling or feel threatened if what they do or say goes against what you expect or believe in.

I get to, instead of I got to
I get to life life
I get to play poker
I get to exercise
I get to study
I get to stream
I get to have friends
I get to sleep early
I get to live healthy
I geto to have friends (Bash, Alex, Aaron)

Believe
Believe in the long run
Believe in your stratregy
Believe in constant movement
Believe in you are in control
Believe in the past you's hard work
Believe in your body
Believe in your mind
Believe in writing
Believe in the goodness of people around you
Believe in freewill, will and power to mold habits
Believe in calmness
Believe in keeping your body powerful by great habits
Believe in youi can do the right thing more and more
Believe in YOU can do GREAT, youir BEST given present situation
Believe in accepting people, as they are, in unraveling their values with excitement, even those far moved from yours
Believe in being kind to people, rewarding action
Believe in you can be with amazing people even when pushed to the edge instead of getting lost in video games, internet etc.
Believe in you can maintain morning routine
Believe in you can go to sleep early
Believe in you are good at your core
Believe in you can mold your core through re-witring your habits, through CONSISTENT WORK
Believe in you are COMPLETE
Believe in creating values from within, with input from others and culture but values hat are TRULY YOURS
Believe in people with different values can co-exist, learn from each other, respect each other, letting go of their selfish judgements.
Believe you can handle burnout, use people, give to them instead of hiding.
Believe you can do great even when tired, upset stomach or on a downswing.
Believe in mortality and death.
- This moment. This breath. This hand. This person. This session, this week, this tram ride. This is what TRULY matters.

Love yam go for a walk if it's too much - you did great!


Beats
Beats are like an investment. Fish have to win so poker lives. You are investing in poker, like marketing, when you lose.
Imagine it's just you and the tables, that are in in color. Everything else is black and white if you play focused. Your game, strategy, influenced by notes. Don't hold back, being able to play is a blessing, an opportunity.
One hand at a time, I make a better decision than past me.



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Comments (2)


Here in my gantrithor - KNOWLEDGE pt.3
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 15 2024

Present day Comment: Oh man, these were some good times below, I am definitely on the way down with things like exercise, mindfullness practices. But I AM embracing the chaos of my life way more. My life resembles my whirlwind brain a lot more closely, and that's not a bad thing.


If you want a positive impact, use positive language with yourself and others. I put very high value on being my own self, and having freedom. I still feel resentment towards my ex, that Im not even worth a text. I do not have to be afraid to fodm relationships, and then being treated badly. I am me, that's all there is nobody can do to me what I don't invite them to do. When shit tests come or disrespect comes, my strong centered self will express wat I want, won't let women people or anyone shit on me.



You say that while literally shitting, you're the only one that does the shitting...That comes to my emotions, beats at the tables too.
1) Push whenyou run good
2) Understand and accept variance
3) Think through hands, use reads in gradual systematic way based on confidence in them
4) HABITS!
5) Motivation from within. Accepting suffering + responsibility.

Internal motivation, don't latch onto others. Stop romanticising, longer time to fall for someone.
Rational thinking =>both chemistry, rational factors and mutual effort need to be high. Value being alone.

Every day starts fresh. Yesterday did end last noght, today is a brand new day.
I thank today and my past self.


- Even thinking about won and lost hands is absurt => it takes away brain space, lowers winrate and makes you much more likely to lose in the small to medium run. It's not what happens to you, it's how you react to it that makes the difference. Questioning what you are doing is pointless. Either accept it, observe and enjoy the grind, or stop, make a better plan. Never see bad, inpleasant feeling as doubt during action. Observe, accept it. You are an adult that lives by his values, it's okay if it feels hard. You do it anyways, learn to enjoy the grind. I do what's right, my life is about responsibility, it's all right to not feel like doing something. It's ok to suffer, that's part of life if you want to live it. I can go to the woods and become a buddhist otherwise.

Pishing when things are good
=> High confidence => high winrate => even higher probability of a high winrate => take it easy on losing days, where probability of losing is even higher due to lower winrate, skill advantage. Use reads, GRADUALLY get out of line as you collect more data. But trust your default game and work on it.

Be grateful for your mistakes, learn from them, face the pain as they are a blessing in disguise. What you resist, persists.

Timing tells
vs regs keep them the same ish. Vs donks you want to manipulate, try things out like tank long before call turn > induce river bluffs. Fast bet = easy decision, do NOT bet fast unless you want them to fold. If you have a hard decission in a spot - how long would it take you? and do THAT with the easy hands or hands you're trying to represent.


Ideal partners - priorities
Values, supporting partner's roles, communication + rituals, emotions, positivity, feelings.

They share a sense of purpose
1) emotional intelligence
2) Fucking attrraction, chemistry
3) Think positively about one another
4) Help each other succeed in careers etc.
5) Compromise, use humor to open her up in hard times.
6) forgive
7) Share experiences.
8) Respect each other, friends who's sexuality happens to be great and compatible.

John m Gottman
Accept that most conflicts cannot be solved. We are different people. Accept that life is suffering sometimes and that's okay. Accept that there are disagreements, compromise, it's your choice to be with the person. You got to keep your personality, polarity. It's futile trying to "win", try to prove thruth at all costs, pre-prepare arguments to roll your partner over onstead of speaking your values and being open.


Present day comment: NEW NOTEBOOK, DATE: last september, 2022. This was my peak work, doing swimming, breathing, prochazka, tolle every day - in this notebook I got the politics job. I feel like I regressed, atleast now I go after oppotunities like Vegas lol:D

August is your woke month. YOu observe, appreciate your ego, you do the work and the pond, you calmly grind. You are seeing strong reg plays as an opportunity to learn and understand spot.
POND = nudist pond at motol. People were singing.


mindset
The more you like, respect and appreciate yourself, the more you will love, respect andappreciate others. You havea tremendous feeling of momentum and progress that full you full of energy and enthusiasm with excitement.

You are so busy working on things tat are important to you that you don't have time to be worried or pre-occupied about various things in your life that may not be perfect. You are determined to continually think about the things that you want, and keep your mind off of the things that you don't want. => Ego level, separate from inner purpose, obvserve all from the deep inner self, with full acceptamce. The deep aware state is vastly superior to the stories the limited ego makes.


"Is that so"
"I am"
"Maybe"
"Who am I"
"This too will pass"
Breathm, Awareness, still calmness


Ego - stories, ups, downs, past, future, expecting, anxiety, excitement.
Awareness - the observer
calm, comnnected to the source and others, presence, accepting, joyful, INFINITE.


My ego is funny, the stories it makes are hilarious - going mental over a standard flip, saying how I am dying and - it's hilariously absurd.
Through all this I am rich, I am wealthy, I have more than I have ever had because of me finding that deepinfinite calmness underneath.

It's good what I did here, referred to my ego as "him", e.g. "Vasek is now writing", this forces him to focus. The now is all that matters, Vasek believes that he can look at the past in the now, do a review of his past thoughts with curiosity, joyful detachment. He is smiling now at the thoughts making him laugh at the absurd stories his head came up with.

He read about a great session he had, actually surprised a the positive tone!
- donk at every table
- wrote notes
- calm
- tanked a ton
- went for bluffs that made sense

"Wow", vasek thinks, it does make him deel hopeful, he knows he needs to run a tighter ship. He ordered a beer at Kyjsky Rybnik => Feeling was right! Vasek was engaged in a commntary of his ego.

Vasek: I fantasised about one of my exes:
Observer: So you do itto a memory of a chick you dated10 years ago, that's now probably married with kids, instead of talking to new people like that girl from the wedding? You are **tarded lol.

Vasek laughed as he saw the curious absurdity.

He read his entry about getting so angry at regs that 3bet him that he cold 4bet A8o and doung it amusing how absurd it is => Your decisions are simple acts based on information, you can be calm and collected and approach it as a math problem.

Vasek just has to and loves to make a huge deal of things. He always wants to become and Einstein, sometimes shit is just shit, you have the information at hand, use it, you don't have to figure out the meaning of the universe in every tiny decisions.

Vasek keeps flipping out so hard when a donk hits. He loves to make stories out of mundane things so he feels like he matters, like he is a big deal. If he just did stuff without overthinking he's petrified he wouldn't matter. He feels guilty about waking up late, how can he do well


Journalling
Write questions, find solutions. Write your values and goals - life, poker, health, relationships, physique, social life. Find what you are grateful for. White board for goals!


Just fucking relax between hands, let the fucking hands GO, theya re in the PAST, worrying or celebrating wins is fucking shit. Breathe, notice shjot, you right now, her, in thismoment, is all that fucking matters! SO much fucking NOISE in my head! simplify it bitch, be alone! ENJOY SILENCE, CONTEMPLATE! I have this limiting belief that when I am tired I can't have a great day. Wall that's just untrue! Every sign of tension is an invitation to relax.



Focus
If you can't focus on tables only, dont play at all. The steps you can take to stay focused:
Nap, meditation, walk, smoothie, gym, writing thoughts, stretch, punch air.
Signs of being centered:
1) Walking, sitting straight, confident body language
2) Keeping things clean
3) Calm response to others
4) Firmly standing up for my values
5) Not nervous with people, grin laugh, but pause, feel the moment instead when feeling is awkward.
6) Feel emotions, observe them, not hide from them, and take the right action!

If I need something, I don't cheat with shortcuts. I take ACTION to get it, work a long term solution.
FUN: NO ALCOHOL
SEX: NO PORN
POKER: NO AUTOPILOT
RELATIONSHIPS: BEING CENTERED, WORKING ON LIFE INSTEAD OF TRICKS.

Interactions
It's my right and responsibility to set the tone of interactions. I wont; be pushed into negativity, I am open but firm.
I, not afrait of walking away, and am okay with disagreement.
I am the rock, the pilot of the conversations.
I use Silence + thought as I see fit, generously.


TIRED? STUDY, PROCESS THINGS, NO GAMES, NO PORN
When low on willpower
- cut sessions short
- more break positive stuff like hypnosis, music.

You are alone, right now, from within, this is all you have . You don't change based on what you perceive others might think. You don't change based on events either, you change from within, without external validation seeking. No need to look smart for others, ask forwhat you want, and give who you really are and whaty they ASK FOR. This moment right now is all you have and that you can change. VENT ON PAPER


PRESENT DAY: Another one, different era. The above 2 were the most coherent, I should break up with people more often! the below one is clearly in an upswing, years ago, around the time I played on asian apps

I WIN WHEN I FOCUS ON
1) betsizing
2) My range, my strategy
3) My reactions - I play my hand well. I can lose money but win the hand by doing my best .
-I focus on the long run
- I cannot control hands, I can control my long term probability of winning.
4) This hand right now, in this moment, nothing else matters
5) Reads
- dont obsess
- only in close EV spots
- Only CONFIRMED ones
- but pay attention
6) I push HARD in the good times, maintain in rough
7) Habits- the day is all about the grind
8) writing = > vent on paper!
9) awareness, livingmy my values, responsibilities
10) Relax! Breathe! every sign of tension is an invitation to relax.
11) Eat regular,healthy food
12) Face reality, thank the past, focus on the present, be hopeful about the future.

"today I tanked through hands. Closed eyes, paysed in sessions, streams, visualised ranges, took pauses. FUN! Zig Ziglar inspired me. Food = morning oatmeal, delay eating, sustainable energy. The higher the volume, the higher the chance of winning. In practice you should feel PROUD if you do the best with a hard situation.


What amI grateful for
1) GREAT people in my life, I built and amazing circle , very grateful for them.
2) Mindset - Iam me right now, I get my values and drive from within for the first time in my life. I define myself!
3) sustainable HABITS - Im not all or nothing, I work moment by moment, slowy, stradily, relentlessly, over the long run. I've been through so much, always kept working!
4) My BODY - love it, look great, powerful body I love, built through habits
5) inner strenght - Ijust seem to pull effort automatically, bounce back very fast


MORNING
IMperative I clam the fuck down, take it easy, noneed to learn anything new, no need to open skype, no need to worry, just be in the moment.


Alcohol, caffeine, substances are bad for you. You are a centered man, if you don't want to drink you don't have to! Sleep podcast is amazing and it works. I need to develop that counteract the belief that I can't do the right thing when I feel bad. Focus on sitting up straight, and other small things!

I love you man, you are strong and resilient, bounce back is thanks to your habits! Every mistake, every bad feeling is an opportunity to grow. I got excited when pressured by circumstances, as I saw great things I can improve. One day of discomfort has the potential to change your life forever!
1) as long as you FACE the day, problem HEAD ON, like a CHAMP - feel the shit!
2) WRITE it down in notepad
3) look at it back, read it rationally
4) See OPPORTUNITIES for improvement
5) Set up specific, measureable actionable and achieveable HABITS that you can improve over the long run.


As a poker pro, all that matters is getting rid of tension and being mentally ready for the swings and realities of your habits and responsibilities. Relaxing, observing, letting go away from the tables is a big part ofyour JOB. Your responsibility is to FORGET about poker RESPONSIBILITIES when away from the tables. Relax, observe, that's a fucking command PRESENT DAY MOMENT: umm, I wrote the N word here and a heart here in the diary


She [My Ex] is right - it's good to have people that question you, makes you grow. BUT you get their input and you don't really want to be around them when they point it out negatively when you're down. You work it out and them see them. Commited relationship - I need a cheerleader, someone who has faith in me, and mainly challenges and criticises when things are good when I can rationally handle it.

It's insane how I've built up my mindset and ressilience, bouncing back feels so easy. It's VITAL to live and speak out my values, face consequences, figure out differences with other people. It feels AWESOME speaking openly to your partner, good and bad stuff that could offend potentially. That's how you approach life! you FACE reality, okay to suffer, with awareness, see differences, see flaws, work on the together, feeling of closeness.


The past doesn't matter, forgive and learn from it, focus on the present moment, plan and set goals for the future. Take NAPS between sessions.

I am a strong man that lives by hos values and responsibility. I face life head on, act rationally, guided by feelings, but doing the right thing rationally. Things that are RIGHT no matter how HARD they are. My success does not depend on results, money or posessions. It depends on what person I am, what I do day to day, how I live through my responsibilities and values. I face the suffering! I feel successful by living my values, habits, plan for the future, accept, forgive, and learn from the past , live the present. Even though things like financial stability are gonna be a byproduct, I don't feel any less successful right now. I can only control me, not others, and react through actions. I accept that people have different values from mine.

Get ANGRY if you need to, play nap play, pumo yourself up, do whatever to focus. DO not APOLOGISE, THANK - instead of "sorry for being late" "thank you for waiting"!


Prokopske udoli
amazing, first I felt fucked, overwhelmed, felt really glad I was on my own. Walking makes me attracted to people - walking+sun = I fell in love like 4 times today. Felt amazing on a night out, felt my feelings, interest in people without judgement. I have this great ability to get lost in music, just focus, watch.


Forgive the past, face it, learn from it thank the past experiences, live the moment with an open mind. All you can do is your bets right now, with full focus, and as long as you've planned for success you will move forward. There are CONSEQUENCES to your actions. You accept that. When you feel craving for sweets because you ate sweets after hangover = > you DONT BUY MORE SWEETS to make yourself feel good! You see the feeling as NORMAL, accept it, and do the right thing anyways. I don't respect my parents, exes, they are not to blame, It's my responsibility to live strong values, I LEAD THE WAY in defining my values and living them. I define what success is, success is day by day I do bbetter and better, given the situation I AM IN.


I'm, in the shit, I tilt, I rage, BUT I WRITE, face the feelings, do my best. I am successful if things are easy ... I have results but I don't do my best wuth the situation...I cannot consider myself a success. I feel AMAZING when my past seld did the work. Write + deal with emotions and it's worst. Avoid chocolate, sweets even with strong urge. Went running, felt ired but now I have calm and power. PRESENT MOMENT is all that matters, breathe, be HERE! It is really liberating when you accept reality for what it is, you decide to live life!. You take responsibility, you do the right thing, you accept the consequences.

The new girl you met - f*** like a champ!


Be wary of ranges, adjustments regs are likely to make. Feelings are just an experience, not you. You are a responsible person that's in control of their actions.
=> Went on a crazy rollercoaster, scared all week.
Accepted feelings as an experience I observe.
It felt amazingovercoming my fear, no way I'd do it a year ago.
If I ovrcome paralysis of heights, I can do anything "normal" .
habits are the way to success, relisten Trisha's peak poker performance x1 per week. listen to positive shit after waking, corey etc. Use willpower for setting habits. breaking patterns like fear of heights are vital to stay sane, keep perspective.

FEEL STUCK? Do something else you're afraid of that allows you to get perspective



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Comments (2)


KNOWLEDGE pt2
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 13 2024

Hey guys here in my garage, more knowledge from 6 years of journaling. I don't even k now the person who wrote this stuff or where I got it, I never read it back, and I certainly didn't act on a lot of it. They are randomly pulled from random years , it's fun to remember what I was up to.



- Growth is the most important thing in credit systems, or rather belief in growth that keeps the credit and stock system going. Consumerism pushes you towards happy states, rewards as it needs growth, or that belief in growth, or the credit system would collapse.
- adds, mentality, culture see fear, sadness as wrong states that need to be changed through consuming, inspiration. But Who says that feeling happy is important at all?

Buddhism
- you feel emotions but don't get attached to specific ones. Happy feeling is caused by neurotransmitters, they have baseline level, oscillate around it.
- what comes up, must come down naturally.
=> You actively seek to feel the states, happy ot anxious. You can move your neurochemistry in the long run through attitude, diet, exercise.

Suffering is not negative emotions, its not pain, sadness or depression. Suffering is clinging to specific states and repressing others.

This too shall pass. Maybe.


-Love brings flow. This ultimate focus on the present moment, hormones, focus on the other person and the high, this is why people seek it. You can move do that at any point, not with love only. People seek out these moments like the tractor scene on Garden State with drugs, alcohol, love, fucking, but you cab find that in focusing on people, normal situations. Just BE right here, indulge, feel, enjoy. Feel through the swings, feel and embrace your spectrum, embrace who you are instead of distractions. Repressing your emotions takes a lot of resourced, let it go! Feel through emotion, focus on performance, you can have a literally manic episode, crying cursing yet play amazing with enough awareness.

Corey wayne dating: Hang out, have fun, hook up. Sooner kr later you associate each other with good feelings and sexual energy. To fun something truly real, you find joy in all states, dark side inside you and others.


Leaders use silence.

When you feel pressure you get to choose whether you feel it as anxiety or excitement that can turn into energy.


-fucking c*unts, fucking 88 I can't beat the limit, annoying reg shit fuck, 98 raises, AK calls me fuck anxiety I'm bad can't win, feel pressure, c*nts runbad aaaAAa fuck, I fucking hate them, feels like I just burn money when I play, don't want any people to see how I play, ashamed afraid to face my game, spewing, not enough tables, tired omg, I even go through this shift c*nts always AA, spazzes get aces omfg, shig fuck 88 fuck c*nts counterfeit, this is bullshit, losing big pots small pots, getting fucking raised, trapped, fucked by all, shift fuck c*nt dick asshole I can't take it want yo play Games, fo whatever else, c*nt shift deck asshole, all hurts cat is here, often stomach pain omg, shit dick, fucking dick, pain, AAAaaaAAa, fucking read HU, lose lose lose over over over, fuck topvl, shift dick, can't stand playing, want it too bad, might be time to quit push, 6 weeks to give it my best, I can't do it I play part time etc. I won't call can't just play,but my plays di nit mean shut fuck I was many mistake, want to check in T9 To break sesh, open chrome distract myself, not focusing at all,.mind fog, shift fuck got pummeled by aggronshits nit sute what to do 22 minut3s, eternity to end session, hate playing so much, brings me anxiety. Feels good to face it, fear of aggroreg, want to open Internet so hard so stressed itbud surreal, c*nts, so many bad hands fuck shit, I hate playing it feels hard, why...lack of work fuck 88 check raised fucked, so many hwbcs, raised this shit omfg c*nts 88 raise, lose lose lose fuck.


Present day comment: this is actually hilarious, I call it "Spew" when I go spewing thoughts on paper in a mad fashion, over exxagarate the emotions go all out. This isn't even all of it, it's good 30 pages that look like this, I did this often, but this is one of my longest rants for sure, what the hell was that 88 hand that triggered it! Wish I knew! Sadly, I didn't write what years these are from



I'll crack open a Beer throw away the notepads I looked at, and bring you more KNOWLEDGE!






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Comments (4)


KNOWLEDGE!
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 13 2024

So, in my life upswing I wrote journals, mad scribblings with diary, messages to my self, and bumper sticker stuff. I will be moving soon, and want a fresh start, these notepads I never read back won't go with me. So here we go, knowledge from past 7+ years. Only lifted stuff, there are good 40 notepads here.




I find when I stop writing my life gets chaotic, like right now. I Hope writing this down and throwing away the notepads will motivate me! Only thing I keep are event and sex reports. Because that stuff can't be written twice haha.

I even took the notepads to pubs, trams even dates with me, my friends added some KNOWLEDGE too



Every sign of tension is an invitation to relax.

I am me right now, that's all that matters.

It's not what happens to you, it's how you react to it

Power is in continuous balanced habits.

Be grateful to the you that put in the work during hard times.


I ask my powerful brain great questions and give it space and calm for answers. Then I act on them.


Every moment in time I reevaluate how best I can use it, what's the awesomest use of mybtine right now.

I live by my values, I work hardest when things are good, maintain when not. Go after it ruthlessly when winning! Remember the struggles and push through. Build steady working habits, push hard when at the top to.max your limits, and relax in hard times.

Go towards successes, to things that feel right to you, give yourself as a gift to others.

Challenge yourself, welcome strong opponents as a way to test yourself and see what you can improve.


Schedule brings stability to ride the waves.

You are complete, women compete over you, you give yourself forward and choose who to share the gift with.


Women, sex, dark mood, a simple look with a stranger, beauty. They are an experience, they all all the same. Doesn't need to lead to anything. Just enjoy what is, what just happened. Swearing while tired is just as cool as a smile with a stranger or a 5 hour fucking session.

Remember pal, you are openly fascinated by your dark side. Keep writing, peeps being fascinated at your states, at people, listen with an open mind.


Never think less of yourself, but think of yourself less.

Get excited about understanding people. Their habits, quirks, goals.and views, values. They are like countries to be discovered.





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Life and Vegas
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 11 2024

Okay so basically over the last multiple years I've been working with Pete Marshall28, then a solver group on poker.
During and after covid I've slowly started losing motivation - I think COVID-19 especially was hard on me - I always used poker as means to have a great life, meet people, do things etc etc. That shit broke me and I didn't manage to recover. Pete transitioned from Holdem, and I never really got the same hunger I did for the game as I did when we worked together. I do have a fantastic group, but I myself didn't have the motivation.

I did have a great period of time when I started waking up at 4am, but slowly I realized I got worse. My friends coached me and basically told me - bruh, your style is outdated, I was not mixing 3bets enough in the big blind and was just overall too passive.

So I said "fuck it" and rejoined the real world. Plan was always to work part-time, gets some structure and cash and grind poker. Oh boy that didn't work out so well :D


I immediately by chance got a job in politics, convincing people to sign petitions for Presidential candidates, I was consistent, honest, unlike many people, and hooked. Soon I was working full time as it was always temporary, I attended parties, and had beer with multiple presidential candidates - they thought I was a journalist because I took notes. I even joined an anti-corruption political activist group and have a few photos in the national media, alongside attending a presidential debate on national TV (as a spectator).

Well that ended, I got a physical job for 8hrs per week to get some free exercise and structure, and went into research in the field, literally finding out what people think about things like the death penalty, abortion, and where would THEY spend the country's budget.


Poker
All this time I have been studying poker, doing mostly fun streams and a couple of interviews, and not so much coaching as before. I always coached micro stakes and always crushed them. At first, I was coaching micro stakes because I didn't have to worry about revealing my strategy, but recently because I stopped having confidence at higher stakes.

I once again have went on to rebuild my game, ditched HUD, and started hammering down modern ranges, without caring for the results. It took a year of off-again-on-again effort to get my interest in poker back. Which came with a luck box. KKPoker was looking to promote their tournament in Bratislava - the Polish Poker Championship and they liked my streams, so they were like hey - why doesn't he come, we give him one package.


I went with my shit phone, covered the event, did interviews - I mean at this point I am a fucking pro. I have done a pod for good 10 years off again on again, had big names on. But never fully committed because the damn ChicagoJoey is basically the same person as me but he went all-in on that and did it better. I never let go of trying to be good at poker. But now I have done literally hundreds if not thousands of interactions with strangers, asking them for anything from supporting a politician to if they think Lady Di's death was orchestrated. I fucking busted out of the tourney I was regged in, a sick 125 euro event that reached a 500k euro pool in Bratislava (lol). But it was ... fun!

I combined my 2 things I did over past many many years - talking to people and poker, did a bunch of interviews, vlog, had a blast.


Then out of the blue a couple weeks later Barry Carter, the Pokerstrategy Editor can't make the WPT World Championship in Vegas, and they think "hey, why don't you go?" I didn't even have a fucking passport, I had less than 20 days for everything. But...wellI just stumbled into so many things lately, I was like "hell yeah" despite first instinct being "nah bro, short notice". I applied for emergency passport, started scrambling for money and payment options, I went to study MTTs because fuck me, I played like 10 in my life. I played a few practice ones in my club. But it was all hectic as shit, insurance, tickets, suitcase that fits the airport, ESTA Application, passport, scheduling, emails of transfers - shiet, that's when the mad hectic times started. I also needed to get new equipment, since the $70 Motorola's video quality looks like it's from 1995 despite having like 40 Mpix, and I got some cool lavalier mics, selfie stick I could use.

I went through Munich to Charlotte, and in 16 hrs I was in vegas. The Agents when you enter USA don't joke around, he even asking "WTF is a vlog". The jetlag was real, I was freezing the whole flight, actually shaking because the temperature was super low. At the airport fucking LIFT didn't want to take any of my cards, I scrambled for ages and then got the Uber instead. Turns out I actually with my genius plan of an around-the-neck satchel for my passport where I also put my main card "not to lose it" I lost my fucking card at one of the airports too. But I got there eventually.

I got a room at the Encore, fucking fantastic baby- 5 star, all controlled by alexa, super fast elevators to floor 52, gym complimentary view to die for. And then, after 20+ hrs on the road it was straight into the players' party. Dancing lionesses on circles, Joeingram, Neeme, Owen all the big names. I managed to walk up to joey and proclaim "are these your parents" to his aged friends. Great Icebreaker, a true testament on my in-field skills. So right away he was turned off my this moron who mentioned liquid poker, but in the end, we had a good time, I spoke to a bunch of people, and I exhausted myself to no fucking end.

The next day I travelled to walpart to get some food, missed my stop. Walmart is fucking hilarious, so are the dollar stores and target - you can buy everything in all of them, I got a macaroni salad, fruits and some other stuff, and then went to get sorted in the Media room, I was basically getting the media treatment, luckbox me. I even got a hoodie and a yeti WPT thermos, that things are damn $60 bux, I am drinking from it now! Managed to talk to one of the One Drop Organizers, what a damn cool guy who performs, writes books about Manson and Monroe and does One Drop Stuff.

And before I knew it it was time to play the next day, I went over wizard ranges, read ICM book be Dara and Barry (GREAT one btw to understand wtf a bubble factor is) and made strategy for the 10.4k.



The tourney
cashing was huge for me, so I got in early, and - fuck me what I didn't count on was that even at a damn 40mill guarantee people late reg, so we started fucking 4 handed which I didn't practice for at all with the BB ante Math that makes your ranges wide as hell, RIP. In the end we agreed with my crusher friends it's not highest EV to reg at 200bb at start, but wait for the 100bb if you play cash and are playing WAY lower stakes - a good balance between familiarity and gamble you actually do want.

So anyways I get fullhouse over fullhouse first hand by a guy that was at the wrong table - this stuff happens in a local $40 tourney, I guess Wynn dealers aren't immune from missreading players' tickets. Bro thanked us and left with a quarter of my stack. I played pretty aggro, but didn't get much going and went out on AK v AA.

The next day I went to make the video, and travelled fucking 1.5+ hours to Vegas Wetlands, a swamp they actually do have, who knew because I wanted to do a bit in my video where I Pretrend to be angry after saying how Zen I actually am
https://youtu.be/7T3uH6bQX_A?si=QCn8WbG8A4mi-Gbv


So I did that, was there, posted the video and then... I fucking DIED

Oh my god I was never so sick. Diarrhea, headache, light sensitivity, nose and lungs congested as shit, I couldn't properly walk as I was woozy I thought this might be it, couldn't go downstairs even. As epic as Wynn and Encore are, you do walk, a lot to get to places, especially when you connect between them. All the stress from preparations, arctic flight with a N95 lady who sure enough was coughing deathly near me, travel, party, gyms, tournament, the sickness all got in at once. I wasn't a chicken and didn't tell my contacts to check on me, and for around 30 hours I just was in a dark room, took around 20 baths in the epic Encore bathroom and kept telling the Alexa to close the drapes and turn off the light.


At this point I was in despair, in Vegas I always dreamed of. But then a lightbulb. I am in vegas, America, the place of big corrupt pharma baby! after I was ready to walk I climbed to a pharmacy - CVS, holy shit what a place. Booze, souvenirs, food, and drugs - they have it all. I got like 4 drugs for cough, pains, indigestion, nasal spray that's 10x stronger than what we have in Europe and went to power through it. Goodbye my plan of every day gym and pool, hello to surviving!


The drugs actually helped, a lot, I would later find it was all borrowed time as I am still fucked since that time, I got here good 2 weeks ago.

I managed to travel the strip, and was getting ready for interview with Adam Pliska, the CEO. It was meant to be at Wynn, but they have shit lighting - I guess they always want you to think it's 8pm over there, so I had to hunt for a tripod and LED light. first I got easily, second one, the fucking target that said it would have it didn't - target is a huge electronics store, they have an outlet warehouse in the back, it took ages for the dude to check. So I literally traversed entire vegas to the other side by an uber to get it at last.

content stuff
I had stuff planned, oh yeah - first I got PuertoRican, he might not know it but I was dying. I am a pro though, that interview I had to do only a few cuts in. basically the worse I feel, the more I ramble.

I had another interview right after with the guys from my study group, and I knew I had to do it fast - we did it in my hotel room, then one I was totally fucked in, you can't tell on camera, but I definitely could as I cut down 1.5 hrs into 28 minutes, mostly of my incoherent rambling :D


One Drop
My next goal was to cover the one drop for
-V%C3%A1clavDu%C5%A1ek. It had only 17 entrants which is meh, but Kabrhel was there. That guy is hated in the poker community, abroad. But he is the national hero here in czech republic, going on mainstream interviews all over the place, and all comments saying what a boss he is that he can chat so freely and tilt his opponents. I didn't get to see how be busted however, as WPT CEO Adam Pliska had to reschedule, right as day 2 was starting. I did have a cool thing - Kabrhel had his assistant with him, and had no clue smn speaks czech, so I heard him keep coming back to comment, ask about stack size and keep firing commands at him nonstop :D

The Interview with Adam I knew what I wanted to do. It was the same as with PuertoRican. This one isn't for the views, this one is to connect, and for, let's face it, me. He is a bloody cool guy who stumbled upon the director role, just happy to be there, building the brand. I think the video wasn't viewed too many times in the end, it was the first one I processed without a good starting hook, but I am very happy about it and the chance. I talk to everyone from politicians, and millionaires to homeless people, There's just something about me that is curious about all sorts of irregular people that go beyond the norm.


Well I did that, covered One Drop, again I said fuck it, I am doing research for me - if you watch you watch One drop vid. And then I went to the main event. We were railing both with Vegas santa - I swear to god it was the real santa lol link he was loudly sweating the one drop and the main, the floor had to tell us to quiet down at one point - I had too much fun with Santa.

The production value is pretty much the same as the presidential debate I've been to just months ago on czech national TV - it's a proper studio they built in a damn hotel ballroom, impressive, you couldn't tell a difference from a sound stage much.

Other stuff
Well that was the content stuff, I managed to watch American TV while dying when I could take the light - you have entire shows about finding DNA results of kids, and of customers assaulting staff, fucking A+. The commercials are the bomb especially

this shit is SO CATCHY MAN I can't even - I watched it like 200 times, checked all their jingles.

The Bus
I rode it quite a bit, they don't give a fuck about changing routes without telling you is a bad thing, that they let you our when you ask on a bigass main street is great. The Deuce that goes along the strip is fucking slow and congested like you wouldn't believe - people cry about F1 roadworks etc. I had a lot more fun on the regular people busses that speak in English and Spanish, reminding you that bus fares aren't free.

I had a tour of Chinatown - we have that stuff in czech republic, but it's not so messy.

Food
I got to try the Wynn Buffet. Twice cause it's awesome as shit, I had a gift card I used it for. Second time was dinner evening and unlike the first when I just walked in, I had to wait 1.5hrs to get it. But it was my last day, I was exhausted as hell so YOLO, I waited while listening to pods before the World Championship Final Table I went to watch in the backstage right before I left. Never had a big crab since my then Chinese GF brought a live one home. Later I found out it's not exactly standard, Wynn and the buffet are top tier in Vegas, and Circus Circus and Excalibur or the Strat look cool but are a dated and lower standard than this.

I also managed to try White Castle, it was epic, loved it - I don't know where's all the hate coming from! And I got a huge slurpee form 7/11 at 11 PM for 3 bucks, what a world we live in, I got the same in burger king. I also went to an asian place at the Wynn - now that I think about it, I am a right moron for eating so badly when sick and on drugs, but hey - those places were accessible unlike healthy food :D

I don't know why, but I got hooked on watching Travel Ruby and Vegas Matt ever since, just reading about the other hotels and history. I had no fucking clue they even WERE hotels when I first got there - ain't nobody knows Luxor pyramid is one and not just what vegas built to bring in people. And I had 0 time to do research with all the preparation and MTT study beforehand.


Tipping
This shit is a nightmare - I went to the worlds largest giftshop and they added 15% on, it looked shady and I didn't want to get stabbed so I accepted. I also was leaving tips for the housekeeping in my room - it must have smelled like death after my long sleep in the dark. And it's pretty funny, when I left 8 bucks after it, I had water, toilet paper, they even took my toiletries, and neatly arranged them in geometric shapes on a matt next to the sink, damn amazing!

But then when I only had a buck left in cash that I left them - no water, shapes were good ol' chaos, and I didn't even get a toilet paper, had to use the emergency one :D Damn tipping economics lol. I felt pretty bad about it, but it was a nice social experiment in retrospect.

The toilet is also weird - they have it filled to the brim so your shit falls in the water and doesn't make the bowl dirty. Here we have little water + a brush for everyone and signs that it's usage is free :D



Feeling
Well, I must say I was so exhausted and dead there, I can see the 180 swap in energy from day 2 and end of the stay where I look like a Zombie. It's a shame because I could have done shitloads more interviews and bits, went to Fremont and the pool, gym every day so I'd feel way different afterwards. At least I know what Pepto Bismol is now lol



Way Back I had long layovers, one in Charlotte - I tried to leave the airport, but you need to take an uber, it takes ages, and when I asked how to walk away from that thing they just looked me like a lunatic, and sait there's some secret staff grass pathway somewhere, so I gave up. So I got to go to Munich at least, it was windy and cold as shit, the town is dirty and ugly but has nice old town similar to my home town and I was back home. I left vegas on 21st and returned on 23rd said the calendar as I chased timezones.

Youtube
Well I gave this thing a shot actually. It goes pretty well, I am still very bad but at least we are on a positive trajectory.


I was always lazy as I just made my pod and streams via PokerStrategy, but it is interesting indeed. I have big growth but it can be MUCH higher if I chase trends - so far I just do whatever the hell I feel is right and interesting. The pod with PuertoRican is one of my favourites that won't bring eternal fame, but makes me feel great, and hopefully brings some value to a very small group too.

Going ahead
Well, the past year has been really well exciting - my life totally chaotic as hell, doing various things, and I feel like I will lean into it. Let's face it, in cash games I had the best peers, Llinuslove, Limitless, Pete, Stroggoz and my current group yet I never played higher than NL300 consistently, I will mix in MTTs for sure, learn them, do my thing, be a sellout and try to travel the world when I can if I build up my image some more. And who knows, even meet more of you old schoolers and think of the good old days!



P.S. Yes, this is a fucking ramble, I used this blog instead of my diary, I might add pictures at some point later. Please keep Liquid Poker Going boys!

P.P.S. throw my youtube channel a subif you can, you don't need to watch, I just need them sub numbers up :D



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Comments (6)


Oi, Neilly
  LemOn[5thF], Jan 04 2024

I need some video footage of you, the man the legend for an epic podcast intro with you.
3-5 seconds will do !

Post links below


Pod with PuertoRican coming in a few days (tm)
We scrutinise LostAccount, Baal, Rekrul, Naz, Elky, Marshall and many others!



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Comments (6)


WPT Vegas 11-21st Dec
  LemOn[5thF], Dec 02 2023

Hey hey, looks like I didn't check in in a while here! Shame! Anywho, I realized I sucked, tops I played was NL400 despite literally sweating each other with Limitless and Llinusllove at NL50 and being coached by our own Pete Marshall28, so over the past year I played part time at my NL25-NL100, while working on Presidential campaigns, drinking with senators, doing research for the EU and Government and such.

Couple weeks ago I've jumped back into poker with a blast, taking my mad people skillz I gained to focus on content side at PokerStrategy. I've even went to Bratislava to cover
Polish Poker Championship, and learned many things, like that my equipment sucked.

Luckbox
Well call it destiny, call it fate, or bad slash good luck but the Editor at PokerStrategy who was meant to cover WPT World Championship couldn't make it and I was just casually asked if I want to fill in - hell yes.

So I will be playing the 10.4k event, and will be in Vegas between 11-21st December at WPT and will have media accreditation for the event.

Liquid Poker people, rise up
Simple question team - will anyone be in Vegas and/or will you be playing the WPT during that time? I will do a pod with anyone who will be there from Liquid Poker, publish it here. Team liquid and LP got me into poker, it will be fun to talk about the good old days!

Oh and I need contact on Joeingram, I'm sure one of you old schoolers have it, I want to know what he is up to!

Pm or reply here



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Comments (2)




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