sup

Is life all about satisfying desires?

Every whim that pops up? How can we keep track?

I am writing a blog because when I gave up LP all I was doing was substituting with endlessly scrolling through Reddit: Girls gone wild. I mean I was doing useful stuff too but for me r/ggw is useless and unwholesome. I hadn't masturbated for a long time but I think sitting in a car scrolling through r:ggw led to more desire like a forest fire and I ended up lusting after Lana Rhoades. I satisfied that desire. I felt pleasure. Then what? I have kind of eased back from 8 precepts so does it matter? Not really. I don't feel guilty. I would go into it more but I wonder if this is all jibberish to everyone.

I meditated for a while before I left yesterday and was mindful for maybe an hour or two on the drive. I got to a state where I wanted nothing. I had no desires. No greed, no anger, maybe some delusion. It was really weird. I wanted to always be in that state. It didn't stay for too long maybe 20-30 min. Then I was scarfing down pizza and scrolling through r/ggw on my phone before it ran out of batteries. I think a part of it is on the trip it become so clear spending my days with ordinary folk that that is so not the life for me. It was nice seeing my family but I could just as easily detach and be ok. Even the setup of towns was jarring: Bank, McDonald's, grocery store. I don't even want to go into it too much here either as most people on this site are probably living an ordinary life with aspirations of getting married, owning a house, having children, work, and chores.

My point is I don't think it's all about satisfying desires. Being on call for every thought that arises is madness. It is about detaching from desires. Letting go of desires. Letting go of the habituated paths in our lives. I am not quite there with LP obviously (or pornography and masturbation) but that is ok. I got hooked again in both cases today. I am back home. I have desire for excitement and insight from LP and desire for escape and pleasure with pornography and masturbation. The only useful one is insight and I am not sure how much I actually get from here.

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The freakshow is back in town. I listened to music for the first time today in quite a while. It got me dancing and then it left me somewhat dissatisfied. I wanted new, better, more interesting music and even that felt like a dud. It coincided with my caffeine iv this morning. I had comic books to sell! There was a lot of interesting things I found out about comic books this morning. Most pretty much just appreciate with inflation or not even but in fact they actually depreciate in my case as the comics books age (comic book grade decreases). So, I had a huge stack of comic books valued at anywhere from $1-$5 ON PAPER. The problem is shipping is $3.75 which kind of kills all of those books on eBay. I could take the stack in to a comic book shop and haggle but I didn't even want to bother so I threw them in the recycling bin. There were some diamonds in the rough however. I am first selling one at about no profit just to get the hang of it. An education/trial of sorts so I know what I am doing when I get to the heavier hitters.

It's so easy on a day off after a big lunch being a little bit dissatisfied to come on here and write stuff. It's a sneaky addiction. I have been trying to follow the 8 precepts of Buddhism. One is eating before noon. I didn't quite make it today. I got lost in the comic book project and then my mom wanted help in the garden. I ate at about 12:30pm. Some days go by pretty smoothly and then others are tough. I experimented with drinking juices at night which is allowable but that seems to just start the craving for food and then sometimes the lust overcomes in a big way. It's actually easier on days that I work nights. I don't even really think about food. Chips and salsa or dark chocolate is a killer for me though.

The Blessed One is the Buddha:

Kitagiri Sutta

"I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was wandering on a tour of Kasi with a large community of monks. There he addressed the monks: "I abstain from the night-time meal.1 As I am abstaining from the night-time meal, I sense next-to-no illness, next-to-no affliction, lightness, strength, & a comfortable abiding. Come now. You too abstain from the night-time meal. As you are abstaining from the night-time meal, you, too, will sense next-to-no illness, next-to-no affliction, lightness, strength, & a comfortable abiding."

I actually cannot be a monk due to my mental illness. So, why live the 8 precepts? I think it's the right thing to do. I have noticed my life to be more content and peaceful even if I slip up at times. That is actually the hard part. I just had this romanticism in my mind of doing tedious tasks and loading up on caffeine and listening to music and I just decided to do it. Kind of like I am just deciding to write this blog. I can feel a craving for music pretty strongly now. A craving that hasn't been there for weeks. This is suffering. Almost on a micro level. I never thought about this kind of thing when I was engulfing myself in music. Nothing really that bad happened except I was suffering and craving unknowingly.

Nothing is permanent.

So, I can't be a monk. Not that it was like this slam dunk that I could be a monk but it was motivating for me. Now, I have visions of me just being this shithead guy that calls himself Buddhist. The 5 precepts are rather elementary for someone that is in recovery for substance addiction. I think I still gossip but usually I catch myself or leave the conversation or just don't say anything. I know I repeat myself but I want to be the guy that sells pots down by the river. I have to find my version of that. I have been working more lately. It is harder to find time to meditate and study. I say this while writing a blog and like I meditate 4+ hours a day. But, it is a bit more difficult even if I only meditate 30min - 1 hr a day. I don't know. It's weird though. Now, that I can "only" be a lay person it's like I don't have to care. But, I do have to care if I want to be free of suffering. Not even in a Nibbana (Enlightenment) but just the reduction of suffering, dissatisfaction, negative emotions. I think even my positive emotions get blunted a bit because I know where that leads me too as well but I would like to carry a certain cheerfulness and joie de vivre with me during my days.

So, that's really why I attempt the 8 precepts on a daily basis. Peace and contentment. No euphoria, not feeling happiness or pleasures but an inner freedom. It's really quite different to how I ever lived my life up to 4.5 years ago and it feels like I am only now starting to understand it. For a while, I thought I could just be a "clean" addict. Fashion is "clean." Being cool is "clean." Vagina is "clean." Listening to music really loud and speeding on the highway is "clean." I didn't quite get it or I never really understood renouncement. The more I get rid of the better I feel. Perhaps I am clinging to that feeling. It gets to a point though where it gets tough to give up more. Caffeine has been the toughest thing I've ever given up. Sexual activity also but I am abstinent. I still drink 1-2 Monsters every morning. I would be at 10 precepts except for not handling or using money is basically impossible if one isn't a monk. Monks have 227 rules though. I don't think I have any interest in getting involved with THAT. I've read through them. Many of them are very specific to monks. My goal is just a guy man. A practitioner. An explorer. My fellow sufferers, I just want to suffer less.

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I'm eeking it out guys. Eking it out. I just did my bills and I've been eeking it out. I really don't know. No job is stable. No matter how much I renounce it seems like my monthly expenses are barely covered by my paychecks. It's kind of what I'm going for. To just live a real simple life and eke it out. There is little comfort in this life. I have no desire to chase the worldly life. I feel estranged from the ordinary life. One of my old, good friends just sent me a thank you letter for attending his wedding and my wedding gift. He said he will put the cash towards buying a house. In that moment I just felt kind of bad for him. Marriage, house, kids............ He probably feels kind of bad for me. From most viewpoints I am a bum. I AM a bum that wants nothing to do with society except for maybe some friends but quality friends are hard to come by for a bum like me. I don't want to go out to dinner, I want no part in entertainment, and I want no part in this society. It can be quite a lonely path with out a community but I am not ready to be a monk. Here I am writing a blog again. It's like my dissatisfaction is seeping out into different avenues of addiction which only makes the dissatisfaction worse. Life is a bumpy ride that is for sure.

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I think I am writing this blog out of boredom and maybe glimpsing a bit of despair. That's what boredom entails anyways. If you get bored enough it is difficult not to confront your own death. I am winding down my days off to head back into work tomorrow morning. Besides Refuge Recovery meetings I am mostly isolated. My parents are gone for 2 weeks. Besides my habit of napping I feel I use the time to my benefit. I really don't know if writing this blog is beneficial. I should just meditate and tend to the garden. I linger on that sage suggestion. But, no, I will write on. An addiction some (accurately) say. This blog has brought me a lot of useless chatter but also some jewels. Like any good addiction there is intermittent reinforcement.

...

So, I decided to meditate and tend to the garden. There was a phrase that kept coming to me in meditation: Ever vanishing present. The ever vanishing present. I can snap my fingers in 1/365th of a second. That isn't even the present. The flower is closer to annihilation the instant it blooms. It wilts regardless of rain or shine. What are we doing in this ordinariness, this everydayness?

This isn't therapy. Perhaps it was. That whole ordeal was foolish. Transparency in an online blog is foolish. Taking risks in a format like this is foolish.

I had the thought of caring about my viewership. I hope k2o4 is right in that some sort of spiritual vibe is passing through the air. It would be for the benefit of all of us. I don't think this is true though. This is a dwindling gambling and entertainment website.

I had an acquaintance tell me yesterday that I have changed dramatically since he first met me. I carry myself better and seem very comfortable in my skin now and that whatever I am doing to keep doing it. Part of that is caring less what people think about me but it's hard not to indulge in a compliment like that a bit. I have been mostly open in that meeting what I have been doing. I have been renouncing worldly things, meditating, and studying Buddhism. Previously, with the help of LP I studied Neoliberal Economics, Anarchy, Edgar Morin, Byung Chul Han, etc. It is all documented here. The worldly society is bunk guys. See, I don't want to fall into self-congratulatory bs which I may have just done. Taking refuge in the 3 jewels changes things. Abstaining from substances and sex changes things. Eating only the bare necessities in food. It's a lot of little things. Giving almost all my clothes to charity. Meditation. Learning. Reflection. These are all things I should not forget.

I am unsure of the point of the last paragraph. Perhaps to document. Perhaps to make sense of it all.

Ever vanishing present moment. Let's make it count.

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Noah Levine, a "guru" in the avenues of meditation (Against the Stream), and recovery and Buddhism (for profit Refuge Recovery treatment center and not-for-profit Refuge Recovery) is alleged to have engaged in sexual misconduct with 7 to 10 women as well as sleeping with a married woman, sleeping with students, and misusing company funds for personal use in an "extravagant" and "out of touch" manner. Article here

Makes me feel a little bit better about my caffeine addiction, eating ice cream at lunch, and then being bored so jerking off and taking a nap today and now writing a blog... The answers are definitely in the Dharma and not Bumble. It is the Buddha's teachings that we should be following and not Noah Levine although he was a trusted spiritual teacher to many and I feel for them. I mostly feel for the women abused/harassed. Most of my friends are in Refuge Recovery so it will be interesting to see what happens. I don't see why it couldn't be improved. Buddha should be the icon of Refuge Recovery not Noah Levine.

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First, I would like to document the difference meditation has made in my life. It is a training of the mind. Quite possibly the most important training one can undertake.

Reflections on Death:

All who are born will die. It is miraculous I woke up this morning in good health! The fact that I may die at any moment means I should be living life without laziness or procrastination. There is only the Dharma.

Reflections on Impermanence:

Nothing is permanent or stable. I repeat nothing is permanent or stable. As much as we like to delude ourselves and cling and grasp nothing is permanent or stable. There is only the Dharma.

I took a walk on the beach last night as the sun was setting. The water was very choppy and chaotic. It reminded me of my thoughts when I first sit for meditation. An airplane flew over. From that perspective the ocean is vast like the starry sky. Even the most choppy of waves have an inception and a dissolving. It was appropriate that when I was nearly finished for my walk at the inlet the waves are much calmer and almost non-existent. They appear and dissolve rather quickly or don't show up on the radar whatsoever.

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Selfie time. *click click click*

I've got too many thoughts on my mind I have to get rid of them.

First, an lp'er sent me this video:

+ Show Spoiler +

It has gotten under my skin. I am still not sure what it means yet. I have thought about it all day. I was born, I grew up, I have to work, maybe I get some true leisure time in there and then I die. I can die at any moment. But, what is work? What is a paycheck? If nothing is actually real. It feels like I need to eat food and it feels like I need to have shelter. That's not really a meaning as much as it is a need. It almost seems like there is not even a lot of wisdom in it. It just is. I still don't know how I feel about this unrealness. This unrealness that science and philosophy reasons. But, apparently there is no reason, no meaning, and nothing is real. Then how can I be typing at my keyboard and other people can understand or not. This meaning of words again is an illusion. But, what if I want to live in this illusion? What is the benefit or disbenefit? It doesn't seem to matter. Nothing seems to matter. I am supposedly already whole. I can understand that. There are no puzzle pieces to uncover, there is nothing to find. I can get that. It just goes against everything I have been taught my entire life. What do you do if you are living in a dream and find out that nothing is real? How do you live that life?

German

I guess one thing I do is re-learn German. I don't even know what the end is I am just doing it for the sake of doing it. I guess my dream is to go to Berlin, read Byung-Chul Han, Nietzsche, Heidegger, Hegel, Kant, Kafka in there native language, and attend the University of the Arts (in Berlin). Those seem like big aspirations and I don't even know if it's possible. With enough help from Eros it is possible. I really don't particularly like frantic, hectic, work and I need some sort of out. I am already becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject and I need to be careful.

Work

I think I am learning how to get into hectic rush mode, how to transition into break mode, and how to transition fully into sovereign leisure mode. It's almost not even possible on back to back days of work as that night or that next morning is hard to escape work and move into a sovereign leisure state. I need a solid day off or two to get back to my natural state of adante. A state of slow moving and passionate living. This hectic, always productive, always optimizing work is not natural. I would be lying if I said that it pleases me. There is a certain art and skill and a flow state to making pizzas and some of the interaction with the Other are pleasant but of course I wouldn't subject myself to it if I didn't have to eat food and want to sleep within a temperature modified dwelling. Wage slavery. I am renting my labor out in return for Geld. There is always that wonder if there is a better place for me. I really don't know. Ich bin möde. Ich habe keine Ahnung. Ich komme aus Müdigkeitgeselschaft.

Like, really how to we manage work? My dad was saying he loved that his work was something new every day and that he could work long hours because he enjoyed it. That feels like an illusion to me. The illusion of freedom that Han talks about but maybe it isn't. My current job has all the danger signs for burnout for me. How much production is enough? How much optimization is enough? I am already beating myself up over it and there will be a day that the sameness hits. This is all part of the self-exploitation. The nervousness and the anxiety. I wish I could turn it off but I can't. It feels that I have to seek something and I don't know how I turn that off either.

So, that is where I am at. I am trying to figure out what non-duality means. What it means in regards to my life and living this life. In relation to everything else I thought I found out about this life and continue to find out about this life.

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I am typically always skeptical of the consensus. I am peculiar and individual but not quite Individual, not yet a person. However, I am undeniably me. I am an outsider. I appreciate my solitude and quiet. I am a flower open to light. These qualities will always be at odds with certain people and at odds with the Neoliberal way of life.

The problem with corporations is they are constantly seducing me into becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject. I almost have to become one to do my job. I hear a whisper of 95% is not good enough. Another whisper that we have to be at 110% for our customers. We can be, we should be customer obsessed. We can this, we can that turns into we should, we should, we should. They want us fulfilled and pleased with benefits (so we become "empowered" to make the company more profitable at the expense of ourselves). *Sigh*

I'm caught writing a blog again too. *Sigh*

Where are my friends in this equation? My community?

I wish to study Philosophy and Cultural Studies at the University of Arts (in Berlin). Undergrad is free there (and perhaps graduate school) but my German is very rusty. That would be a joy in itself to improve my German. It is a wish to read Nietszche and Kafka in German. So, what would I need? I would need a plane ticket, a place to stay, food, health insurance, money for books, etc. I am unsure how I would go about procuring a loan for that.

This form of communication is so fucked and I am likely only fucking myself imbibing. It was out of compulsion more than anything. Even though it felt like I could type myself free there is no real freedom there. The thing is I will appreciate a dialogue and discussion that is also kind of fucked. Lacking any gaze or voice it is still the opinion of the Other. I still think it's better than Facebook and Twitter. I like and dislike the idea of all the impassive ghosts floating through viewing my blog and not filling up the white space with words and sentences. Hopefully, I won't go hyper this time around and fill up that space myself. I've always been just a guy trying to live life.

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I was doing some thinking. Perhaps many of you are on the right track. It does seem a little ridiculous to share every last feeling on this small, niche website. I think about sharing value but I am unsure if there is any value to share. The obvious would be poker wisdom but I am sure the game has mostly passed me up. Someone could just read Barry Greenstein's "Ace on the River" or more wisely do a ton of work with the solvers. I don't know how I feel really about giving poker suggestions anyways. It is a pretty cool strategy game and a means to be more autonomous. Not a bad way to make a living but I believe it is romanticized in many regards. I don't know. I am just a part-time grocery store worker barely covering the most humble of expenses.... I shouldn't use that phrase as there are others on even lower expenses than me. The point is I don't consume a whole lot. I am perhaps more peaceful and content than I've ever been. It's a bit different. When I am on a speed boat flying across the ocean to go to a beach party in Malta and everyone is drunk and high and coked up that is a different feeling. Maybe I miss that wild and free feeling but it doesn't matter. I have to live a different life these days.

It is a bit mad to think I was posting vomit on here every day or every few days. Maybe this is vomit too. I need to find coping mechanisms that don't include THAT. I do get bored though. I do like to engage in different discussions on here. I am not sure if there is enough inspiring content on here anymore.

I was thinking about doing an AMA but I don't know if we have enough people or if anyone would be interested in that.

I sometimes get bored without content on LP is all. "Handmaid's Tale" and "Infinite Jest" only get me so far some days.

Oh well, I think it's about time I eat chips and salsa for lunch. The salsa is so good that's all I want to eat.

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Traveling on very little sleep is unpleasant. I had barely any room on the plane. All hunched over and drooling half a sleep like someone full of psych meds in the psych ward.

I slept 13 hours last night. I needed it but I think I am carrying a bit of grogginess from sleeping that many hours.

I am going to a welcome party tonight for one of my best friends from college and his future wife. I have never met her. I have never met a lot of the people going to the wedding. That causes some anxiety for me. It will be good to see my suite mates from university though. I am just kind of killing time before I can burn any physical energy I have in the gym.

I get to enjoy this weekend and then get my ass into gear on getting a job. It's about that time. I believe it was nice to step out for a bit and get a lot of reading in. I believe it pushed me forward as a human being. Not that I am going to stop reading altogether but it might be geared to more novels and I may have to hit the job networking trail in AA. Not that that every worked in the past. Meaningful work is something I may have never had ever and I don't know what the chances are of me finding it now. That is depressing. Sometimes there does not seem like hope for me in the future. I think I need to help people and be a political activist. I think that might be my only way out. I am not prolific enough in any form of art to transcend time enough of the time.

I just write these damn blogs. Sometimes I'm in it. Sometimes like today it is just sort of happening. I feel better though. I'm making a wager that I will have a good time tonight at dinner. Who really knows? I made a wager that I would have a good time on a family vacation and it was overall a splendid time. There is something about family and good friends that the gut just says it will work out. Even if we just talk about old stories that will be good enough for me. I think where I have issue is MY future. I can talk about the future. I love talking about the future but where I will fit into that future is where it gets troublesome. I don't want to be some guy working shitty jobs and living with his parents forever. All I can be is me and not care what other people think about me. I can always just be a recluse and read books. I have been there before and am not afraid to be there in the future.

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