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weed > me |
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Well, ok, honesty and stuff. Well I'm writing this a day late because I was embarassed. I ended up smoking weed both days and not doing crap.
I was really nervous about playing yesterday because right now a loss would really suck psychologically and financially. I also just played bad two days ago, although I felt I could play a solid game yesterday, but there is always the worry that because I'm under pressure I can make bad decisions. I also had thoughts running through my mind like I need to make money in about 2 weeks because by then the food will be running out, and thats just basic shit, I need to play A LOT to get myself out of this financial hole. Not to mention my bb/100 at 50 NL is not very solid and I could easily go on a break-even run for 2 weeks. I just put myself into a very bad frame of mind with my thoughts. That shit started to freak me out and I started procrastinating.
After procrastination wasn't helping me calm down, I decided to smoke weed. I told myself I needed it, and one more day off would be ok, BUT NO MORE! I seriously made myself promise to be sure and play today. I was so positive too. I was sure I was going to do it. But low and behold next morning rolls around, and I'm just frozen by fear about playing while at the same time feeling itensely guilty for breaking the promise to myself. Also somehow just extremely unmotivated (probably from the weed). Again, I couldn't confront playing, so I decided to smoke again.
Well, it's probably good I have a public blog now, because I really didn't want to type that shit out. I am ashamed of myself. Today though I'm making a public promise that I won't smoke weed again until I am back at the 100$ games and more stable financially. Hopefully by then I will have no desire to smoke anymore too, because I'll be happier. I also promise I will be honest about it if I fuck up and write about it here. That's mostly a promise to myself though just to further motivate me. I don't want to look like a total jack ass, or at least more of one than I already have.
Hopefully tomorrow I have something better to write 
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| | Last edit: 04/08/2009 05:06 |
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why do you even bother to make promises if you know you will not be able to keep em. |
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Shenny Canada. Aug 04 2009 09:43. Posts 1514 | | |
dude, honestly, you sound like a wreck right now. Find a job where it's guaranteed money. You sound really stressed and I can't see you ever being in the right mindset being in such an unstable financial situation like the one you explained. |
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k2o4 United States. Aug 04 2009 12:40. Posts 4803 | | |
GL
btw, playing NL50/NL100 for a living as your only job is gonna always be very stressful unless you're capable of mass grinding nonstop. having another job that gets enough for the bills would help you a lot |
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that stuff is very hard to quit... ive tried for years but now i just learn to coop with it... if you smoke alone, Dont. If you smoke with friends, stay away for a while... GL |
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CrownRoyal United States. Aug 04 2009 13:21. Posts 11386 | | |
i played nl100 as a job,
i dont wanna do it again for a while, i was so fcking stressed out constantly. |
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| SonOfAuntie: i feel ppl my age all the time with my own substances | |
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