sup

I put in my 2 weeks because that is the responsible thing to do?

How do I get health insurance?

How do I pay bills?

Assume I have savings for a little while how do I find something else to do before I run out of money?

I know, I know. I am supposed to find something before I quit. How do I do that when there is so little time and all my open availability is used at work?

Asking for a friend.

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Comments (23)

I don't know. Has it been a week since anyone posted on this site?

I don't think I have come any closer to building the world or making a difference in it. Maybe a small difference for the people around me. Certainly, nothing is going to get done with me putting so much time into watching the NBA Finals, watching Pro Wrestling, and now playing Diablo IV. Although if you are interested in watching Pro Wrestling I suggest watching the Okada v Omega rivalry. Truly epic stuff. I guess since I am unable to actually build the world and make a difference I will complain. Work is work. Shit! It's fucking work and it kind of pisses me off that all my labor and efforts are put towards retail for 40+ hours in the week!

Diablo IV is pretty fun. It's fun playing a new game. I'm sure it gets some brain chemicals going like dopamine and adrenaline. I want to get back in there just thinking about it. It is the ultimate slot machine. The atmosphere and music and fear of death create a fun stress/tension and it's hella fun smashing up all of the hell's minions with the chance of drops. It's not even the boss beating and big drops that get me into a state it's the tension that allows me to escape. I don't think D4 is a great option before bed. I don't even know if I sleep well. The doctor wanted me to get a CPAP and I ghosted him. I probably need a solid 9 or 10 hours of sleep to feel good. That is a large portion of the day.

I would like to build the world and make a difference but I also have the inclination to be anonymous. Anonymous sage in the art of non-doing. It would help if I knew my intrinsic virtuousities a bit better. My innate talents. It would be worthwhile to labor towards goals other than capital. I don't know if that is possible for me though. So, I zonk out on NBA Finals, Pro wrestling, and Diablo IV. I don't know if there is an answer right now. It's just where I am at today. Thank you for letting me share.

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Comments (9)

My 2nd best option is to complain.

"We receive of it some one completed form, a specific fully-formed body, and then we keep that alive only by constantly anticipating its end, grinding and lacerating it against all the thing around us, everything it does just flashing by and away like an unstoppable galloping horse - is it not sad? All our lives we labor, and nothing is achieved. Worn and exhausted to the point of collapse, never knowing what it all amounts to - how can we not lament this? What good does it do if others say, "To us he is not dead?" The body has decayed and the mind went with it. Can this be called anything but an enormous sorrow? Is human life always and everywhere such a daze? Or could it be only me who is dazed, while there are also others who are undazed? Of humans is there anything or anyone undazed?"

Zhuangzi

I am in good company I suppose.

In order to quit the internet I would have to find some things to fill that hole. Some may say I need to find some things to fill the hole before I can quit the internet. I am not theoretically against quitting the internet. I think it could be done. It would be difficult. I would have to totally re-think how I pass the time on my 15 min. breaks for example. I don't think I am particularly that talented or that engrossed with any creative endeavours. I can't paint at work. Poetry is not something I must do. I can be hot and cold on the guitar. Going on dates and cuddling with sex workers would be great if I lived in Amsterdam. I am in a rut that I will stay in if I don't take radical action. That is the truth. So, my first move? I'll go veg out in my fancy Norwegian recliner and watch the Nuggets vs the Lakers.

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Comments (2)

I realized I had some strawberries in the refridgerator. They were from a local farm and quite magical but I had forgotten about them and they had seen better days. Still edible and quite good but strawberries go pretty quickly. Easily perceivable over the course of a week. What about us humans? Not so perceivable over a course of a week or even years. It is still a reminder that for most of us we are further and further away from our peak in many areas and we do not have forever to live with the absence of debilitating ailments. My parents are on a cruise in Italy and Greece. That is pretty sweet. They can still enjoy these things but they do lack an energy of 21 year olds. It is good to know many things are still enjoyable at 70 if we take care of ourselves. I wanted to play guitar in a band in the 5th grade and pretty much every grade therafter. My parents always said no. I am pretty sure if they would have said yes in the 5th grade many permutations would have me way better at the guitar than I am today at 40. I was driving around today and I realize I have not listened to a Metallica record in a long time. Perhaps, since high school. I chose the Black Album as that is what I listened to the most of when I was younger. Not a bad record but I think the feelings of nostalgia outweighed any other feelings. I am not the biggest James Hetfield fan although Kirk Hammett kills it on the guitar. What I found interesting is that I knew most of the lyrics and every guitar riff on the record even though I hadn't listened to it since being in my teens. Repetition and a likely more elastic brain is amazing. I will never be as good at the guitar as someone who is talented and diligent from age 12. I can probably still get to a decent level or at least a more enjoyable level than I am at today though. That's all that really matters. I have to do something as I decay it might as well be guitar. My uncle still gets much joy from the guitar at age 67. It's a good life hobby/habit.

I think it was haralabob who said this but I'm sure someone else said this as well. A good idea is to look 10 years ahead and picture where you want to be and work towards that. In 10 years I will be 50... Hard to picture it. I always said I'll probably commit suicide by 55 but I think if I do things right over the next 5 or so years I won't have to resort to killing myself. I had such a rough trip from 30 to 40 it feels like I am getting a bit of a breather at least this year. A slight repreive. Although there were great times in those years. Primarily, the first year I got sober and was getting long term disability. That was a magical year. After that capitalism kept me occupied. I've lived in this current city for like 7 years and have no friends. The problem is if you are killing yourself to make like $30,000 in a year there may just not be a whole lot left over. Not a whole lot left to give. I will make more this year but my new job probably takes more of a toll on me. We will see what I can do with my situation. It's certainly better than 2020 or 2021. 2022 was a grind man. 2023 has been a sick grind as well but with the last year and a half I might have put myself in a freer position. I hope so. I'm still decaying rapidly or not so rapidly relative to what you want to choose. Compared to a strawberry I have all the time in the world given most runouts. I do not need a stone with my name on it. Just feed me to the dogs. I'd rather be dog shit than worm shit.

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Comments (40)

I don't really have a plan. It's certainly not going to be posting a bunch of hokey YouTube videos. I know I need human connection and love. That is the hardest one. I train intensely. I meditate. I typically sleep pretty well. If things are going well there is no need to practice gratitude. I guess practicing gratitude is a positive thing to do. It just feels almost as hokey as lostaccount's YouTube videos.

Performing some songs for an audience has really jump started everything. My instructor was like "oh, you've got the bug now. Don't get any ideas. Trust me." I actually have been social in the last week which is a game changer as well.

I just wanted to reflect for a little bit. Rib lostaccount a little bit and maybe Loco will stop by and suggest some new metal as my Spotify is getting stale as fuck. You are more than your suggestions buddy. I know you know that. Live long and prosper.

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Comments (19)

We will die. A shit ton of pallets just got dropped off at the store that I am responsible for getting processed. It never ends. That's why we must enjoy the present because we really don't know how the future will go. I think that is what I am dissapointed in. I'm not really enjoying the present. So, when the shit hits it feels worse. I'm doing my best to hang in there. I take creatine and lift weights. I was actually thinking about going down to the Friday night AA group. The problem is I had a panic attack going over a bridge the other month and I am petrified to go over bridges now. Just my fucked up mental illnesses.

I feel like I am at a standstill with collaborative ai art. I can't produce anything with paint at home and once I got good with prompts for simple text to image stuff there is not a whole lot to do there that is interesting. Stage 2 would be to learn code and machine learning but that seems like a giant leap.

I started a new video game today. Nier:Automota. Has potential.

There's not really a whole lot going on it seems. Work is tediuos and it is a shame I have to spend so much time there. I think on the bright side it keeps my Bipolar more stable. I lift weights and take creatine which also keeps me stable. I play the guitar and sing. I'm learning "Hold On, Magnolia" this week. A bit of a tricky one for me just on first playthrough. I have been reading a lot of Seneca. That guy gets it for the most part. It's crazy he wrote all those letters in 63-65 AD.

Yeah, so there is not really that much to reflect on I suppose at the moment or at least it doesn't feel that way. I mean there is the whole fact that I will die and I want love and connection. I'm really craving it. I think a lot of people do but today a lot of people are not equipped or not willing or not able to go out and have meaningful connection. I have experienced meaningful connection in my past so I don't think I am drawing dead but there are Hikkimoris and NEETs and whatever else there may be. But, that's really what I was thinking like.... In the future, I will die. So, that is scary. I sit down to play my video games and I get a text that the truck dropped off 10 pallets. That can scuff up the ole disposition a little bit. But, it's not like I have any control over these events. Well, I have some control. I can lower the risk of dying. We can strategically process the 10 pallets for better outcomes. And, since these events suck I really need to enjoy the present and not worry which I am not doing. That is the key. Enjoying the present and not worrying. My scheduled shift is tomorrow and not tonight and there is not really anything more to be done than just processing the damn thing like we know how to process it. I shouldn't waste anytime hoping that it will go away or disapear. There is no hope with out fear and no fear without hope. Take refuge in philosophy.

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Comments (45)

It seems to me as if the world is getting saturated with AI very fast and faster and faster. I feel like I am falling behind but it might not matter. I don't think I have a natural interest in it besides AI Art and even then it doesn't go beyond asking ChatGPT how to do AI Art which seemed like it could be some work. Not as easy as painting or drawing for sure. A lot of people saying in the world of AI taste is the new skill. Well, I hope so because taste is about the only skill I have and it doesn't do me much good today. I go to work, I come home, I read Seneca. We are living in a crazy time right now. I almost need a Diablo 4 to escape for a while. 90 seconds 'til Doomsday? I'm already attached to my AI DJ on Spotify. I would love self-driving cars. I don't even know what is capable. What does everyone else think?

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Comments (73)

Purpose, identity, and authenticity are big words. I have to find a purpose or not I suppose. That's what THEY tell me. Who is THEY?

I have to find a purpose or not I suppose.

What is identity?

Everyone is always searching for authenticity. I don't think it can be gotten from the external. As Roderick says if I want to wear all black and go off to the beat poetry spots THEY'LL just start selling black t-shirts. What if my most authentic self is lying naked in my bed reading a novel?

Well, it probably is for that time but I don't want to do that all the damn day! And, then what novel am I reading and why? Did THEY tell me about the spine tingling novel I'm reading?

I eventually have to put on clothes. I gravitate towards the Fear of God sweatpants, the Issey Miyake t-shirt, and New Balance sneakers. Of course, I didn't know about these things when I was a baby or age 3. I've never met someone who even knows what Fear of God or Issey Miyake is. It was funny in high school we were all drones. At least the ones whose parents had money. Birkenstock sandals, Abercrombie and Fitch cargo pants, and Polo golf shirt from the outlet mall just outside of the city. I can remember that feeling of wanting to fuck everyone in the world. Probably, because I still get that feeling that I want to fuck everyone in the world.

PuertoRican is right though. I have to get myself to the Italian Coast or Japan or something.

Oh yeah, I started drawing again. Thanks to a friend continuing to give me the nudge. It's not painting but it's still pretty fun.

I went and saw some Rodin sculptures today too. First, time seeing them live outside of Paris. Meaning first time seeing a lot of them in a museum. I didn't go to the Rodin Museum in Paris but Paris is so gangster that they have Rodin sculptures scattered through out the city. They had some nice gardens there too. I love this time of year when the azaleas are in full vivid bloom.

I am 1 of 1. I don't have to try to be 1 of 1. I am 1 of 1. Nothing external will change that. I don't need anything to be authentic. It gets complicated because I am in this space with other people and I have to wear clothes. I really should engage in personal hygiene. It is wise to have hobbies and figuring out things to do. How many people have an active blog to a viewership of about 20 lurkers? HA! It gets more complicated when we start worrying about the advertisements and media and the lot of 'em try and tell us what will make us "cool," "well liked," "fuckable." The basis to that conundrum is to have a core of strong character and ethics. I think that is the play that truly wins. It allows me to be comfortable with myself and others. Even though as Trent Reznor says, "I will let you down, I will make you hurt." That is a scary feeling. A scary notion. It is true for probably everyone. Forgive me. I shit. I piss. I bleed.

On another tangent I was listening to the NIN live concert from after The Fragile but before With Teeth. All his fans love being called pigs. If you actually listen to the songs pig is a major pejorative and they just mindlessly cheer and cheer louder. A pig is a submissive little piggy that will eat shit and love it. Sorry, Mr. Reznor, kindly fuck off.

But, see this is what I am talking about. A whole crowd of humans cheering that they are submissive little piggies eating cum and rolling around in shit. THE HERD as Nietzsche would call it even though most NIN fans would probably think they are super edgy and authentic for listening to NIN. They are super edgy and different who obediently buy their NIN t-shirts and other merch manufactured by THEY TM. I don't identify as a pig but I do have a NIN shirt and NIN cds. "Shut up and buy" as Maynard says on "Hooker with a Penis."

It's really a mindfuck to get too caught up in our influences but I think we need to be vigilant in a way at staying away from the wrong influences. I am 1 of 1. That is something I can remember. I don't need any company to define me... but these Fear of God sweatpants are dope as fuck.... Issey Miyake is IT........ I am glad I can afford non-Goodwill clothing. I could of course go off and be a farmer in Thailand and wear thrift store clothes and build mud huts but I actually couldn't because I don't have the start-up money. Actually, I do have the start-up money I just don't want to risk it on that venture. No monastery will accept me because of my Bipolar 1. I don't have a lot of options and I think the options get smaller as I get older. I don't have to be in a witness protection program. I am not actually a witness whose life is in danger. I've just been living in my cocoon. I get validated at work. It would be nice to get validated outside of work. And, obviously, trust and intimacy only go so far at work too.

I don't really need Rodin museums. I need love.

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Comments (5)

Now that my honest motives are known or so I think they are.

I want to be a good person with a good soul.

I want to be able to live with myself.

I want a relationship with an Other.

I could go on Hinge but that is a responsibility. I have to get all the right pictures and all of that. I don't have one good picture on my phone. It's a lot of time and effort and if it fails it can really shake my confidence that I am slowly building up.

I am human, all too human, after all.

I want to survive. I want to thrive.

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Comments (17)

Bread and Boxers from Sweden no longer does business in the USA for reasons that I do not know. Anyways, I need a new supplier. Who has suggestions?

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Comments (15)