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RiKD    United States. Jul 09 2022 03:50. Posts 7645
I am not going to be employee of the month next month. I didn't almost die. I am just dealing with life. I think I am getting a bit depressed really. I know that is based in selfishness and narcissism. But, I have been spending too much time with myself lately. There is no connection with the atopic other. That is it basically. Connection with an atopic other solves most of my problems. The deeper I go into a depression the harder this becomes. The question is do I have to go through a deep depression to find it or can I just find it before the depression envelopes me?

The atopic other does not fix the fact that my health insurance sucks or that I can't afford my psych meds or possibly even therapy at this point but it solves a lot. It feels like I am closer to a drink than for a while. There was the time I was getting manic and psychotic and sleepless and paranoid and eating Ativans and listening to Emma Ruth Rundle live shows and passing out in bliss. In my defense they were prescribed to take exactly in that scenario. I don't ever want to end up riding an ambulance to the ER just so they give me an Ativan and send me home with a $5k bill.

Sometimes I get the idea that drinking would help with my problems. Ease existence a bit. Quit my job and see what happens. I realized today the reason I did not go to Gojira last summer was because I was hopelessly broke. Going to Gojira was one thing that was keeping me going. I can't kill myself because I must see Gojira in the summer. That show was only an hour and 30 min. away.

I have got to figure out a way to fill up my car with KL fans that don't have a means of transportation. I used to do that with drunks to get them to meetings and maybe I should do that too but I am not convinced of AA. I could just be straight edge in the context of punk / hardcore or I could just be a sober / clean person in general.

I would feel a little bit safer if I filled my car with friends of friends who don't drink or do drugs though. It's like I can never turn my back on AA fully.

I can't kill myself and I can't quit my job because I must see KL this year. I have to get out of this job before the holiday season though and have something locked up that is not terrible during the holiday season.

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CurbStomp2   Finland. Jul 09 2022 08:55. Posts 121

I think you nigs are so socially awkward based on discussion on the previous post. Also I doubt that loco can pull anything better than someone looking like moldylocks.

hiems   United States. Jul 09 2022 18:32. Posts 2979

These high falutin hipster band name drops are useful for me.

Sometimes they r good sometimes they are bad.

BUT knowing these are very good for social situations and sometimes I can get positive outcomes with ppl I wouldn't otherwise have.

Ex if I met loco or you or some hipster girl irl and I spent like a day listening 2 these ppl I can probably trick the person into liking me lol.

I beat Loco!!! [img][/img] 

Loco   Canada. Jul 09 2022 19:09. Posts 20898

The only thing that could make me like you is if you killed yourself

The medium is the message 

Santafairy   Korea (South). Jul 09 2022 20:41. Posts 2177

  On July 09 2022 18:09 Loco wrote:
The only thing that could make me like you is if you killed yourself

The tolerant progressivism of suicide baiting

What if he killed you instead? Or would that be "acting black" as you put it

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

Loco   Canada. Jul 10 2022 00:01. Posts 20898

I have no tolerance for broken things taking up space. Some things can't be repaired and we are better off without them around.

The medium is the message 

hiems   United States. Jul 10 2022 02:04. Posts 2979

  On July 09 2022 23:01 Loco wrote:
I have no tolerance for broken things taking up space. Some things can't be repaired and we are better off without them around.

I beat loco.

I beat Loco!!! [img][/img] 

Santafairy   Korea (South). Jul 10 2022 07:30. Posts 2177

  On July 09 2022 23:01 Loco wrote:
I have no tolerance for broken things taking up space. Some things can't be repaired and we are better off without them around.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

hiems   United States. Jul 11 2022 16:21. Posts 2979

Loco I'm sorry man.

I beat Loco!!! [img][/img] 

hiems   United States. Jul 13 2022 14:38. Posts 2979

I beat Loco!!! [img][/img] 

Baalim   Mexico. Jul 15 2022 03:45. Posts 34139

  On July 09 2022 02:50 RiKD wrote:
Sometimes I get the idea that drinking would help with my problems. Ease existence a bit. Quit my job and see what happens.

I don't think start drinking and quit your job is the great idea you think it is lol.

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online 

RiKD    United States. Jul 15 2022 05:05. Posts 7645

Obviously, it is not a great idea. There is a monster in my head telling me to self-destruct on occasion though. It's part of why I got fat. Seroquel being the other part.

No one is going to put up with me the way I drink though. I don't even want to deal with it. It stopped working. That is when the real terrors begin. Have you ever listened to a song over and over and over and over again and it brings a calmness and a dopamine pump? Then it doesn't.... You try to find a song that will have the same effect but you can't. It's like that but way worse and there is legitimate withdrawal symptoms and dangers.

The real question is what am I doing with my life? I have been trying to live without AA now for like 6 years but I still don't know if I can do it. The social connections are there and the people are great but they just believe some really weird stuff that pops into my consciousness and I just can't ignore it. With out AA I am a in a shell in my room that grows with every day just on this stupid website and listening to Moderat attempting to relive that first dopamine push and watching tv shows and thankfully I have my guitar even though I suck. You play some Led Zeppelin riffs you think you are Jimmy Paige but boy, oh, boy does reality strike you down. How many times on this stupid blog have I said I am dissatisfied? That I don't like where my life is? I don't even know if I am capable. Money is flying into my bank account yet so are the bills that are piling up. Always. To sort and organize fucking clothes all day. Did you know that I fucking have dreams every night about sorting and organizing clothes? It's horrific. I can't even get a reprieve when I sleep. Lately, it's been sorting and organizing clothes, sleep paralysis, and nightmares. So, I spend 8 hours a day sorting and organizing clothes. I go to sleep and experience the same plus nightmares plus sleep paralysis. I don't actually have another 8 hours in the day because of commute, lunch, and I sleep as much as I can because my existence is shitty. I'd rather sort and organize clothes in my sleep and deal with sleep paralysis and nightmares than be awake. I'd rather roll that dice.

And, on my days off I have to call fucking insurance companies to negotiate with them trying to fuck my life up.

But, I don't have any malice. I am not down in the dumps enough to kill myself but if I do I will only take out myself. I always have the suicide card up my sleeve but I will not use it yet.

On the bright side I have a date on Monday and supposedly a lot of good things going in my life even though it does not feel that way right now. It would be a tragedy to kill myself or self-destruct in any form. I just have to make to to the Knocked Loose concert and everything will be ok for a brief moment in time. Although a tear in the fabric of life can hit at any moment. A real walk is an isolated walk in the mountains or cemetery. Not this bullshit walk through the riff raff at the local beach. How am I supposed to slowly contemplate life with fat Texans playing bad country and Bocce?

Tribulations by LCD Soundsystem just came up on my playlist.

Quick story

Some friends and I went to LCD Soundsystem concert. It was a former LP'er and myself at LCD Soundsystem. Others went to other because it was a festival and anyone can pick where to go whoooo. So A and myself had a history. We would get ridiculous high and then fuck with each other. We were pretty close to the stage maybe 10 rows back. We are smoking fat joints because that is what we did. Then A starts freaking out that security is coming. I just laugh in his face and take a monster hit. Then I see 2 security guards headed straight for us and quickly underhand throw the roach as far as I could. They walk right by us and I don't know where they were going. To this day I don't know exactly what happened there. The adrenaline and overcoming paranoia mixed with the joints we were chain-smoking and the concert was simply euphoric. I got to get to more concerts. This would improve my life.

Loco   Canada. Jul 15 2022 05:58. Posts 20898

Read some stories here from time to time. (I chose this sub instead of the main bipolar sub because it's more grounded and shows how bipolar affects people who don't suffer from it too). It's a universal fact that we all feel better when we hear about other people who are doing shitty or worse than us. Especially when we can relate to them in some way. Incidentally, this is why people like Baal and hiems read your blog. They could not care less about you as a person, but it's a quick ego boost for them. It is also why you shouldn't see it as a mission to get away from AA. Despite the seemingly stupid beliefs held by many there it is actually helpful, if not necessary for you to stay involved if you don't want your life to worsen.

I was listening to the guitarist from Pearl Jam being interviewed by the Crohn's and Colitis foundation and he was talking about his struggles with the illness and how he's had a bunch of accidents shitting himself during live shows and stuff, and he was saying as much. That when he's in his illness, he finds it really hard not to be cynical and depressed and to isolate himself, and what does all the difference is when he reads about or connects with people who have the same illness. That alone (or primarily) can get him out of that state of being. That's just how we are. We need to relate and we need reminders of where we are, and that we are not alone.

The medium is the messageLast edit: 15/07/2022 07:19

Loco   Canada. Jul 15 2022 08:13. Posts 20898

The medium is the message 

hiems   United States. Jul 16 2022 20:59. Posts 2979

I beat Loco!!! [img][/img] 


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