Midnight Thoughts

On August 05 2019 03:17 RiKD wrote: Midnight Thoughts VI I am having a bit of trouble sleeping for now so I figure I'll get up and do something. An acquaintance at work was found dead in the bathroom the other day. I didn't pry today but I did find out who it was. I don't know the circumstances. I would give him rides home and I would say we were more than just acquaintances. At this moment I don't really know what to think of it other than that it is bothering me. However it happened it's a tragic event and I think I am still trying to process it. It doesn't help that work is giving me more and more to do in less and less time and I just have to soldier through it. I don't idolize celebrities. I used to. Nowadays, I idolize people like Anton Chekhov. Read about him. He is an amazing person. Not only was he perhaps the best short story writer ever he treated ~1,000 peasants a year gratis at his home and built schools for peasants, etc. Tolstoy is another example. Martin Luther King, Jr. Etc. I may be back tonight. I hope I am not. I have to figure out a way to get closer to the Chekhovs, Tolstoys, and Kings of the world than the ever increasing workload that I face in the name of profit. The thing is they are cutting so much labor they might be losing profit. I am just stuck in the middle hoping I get some flow states to make it bearable.

My condolences. He was found dead in the bathroom at your place of work?

Yeah. There was an "Incident" Thursday night. The store was closed Friday. I found out who it was because there was an RIP message written on the schedule. He used to call me his big brother. We had many conversations on our rides to his "house." Although I was always dropping him off in different places. I want to know how he died. To get some more closure on the issue. I am sad that he is not here anymore.

He shot himself.

Just really, really sad man.

Yeah : ... sorry dude.

VII

I have been thinking about the suicide a lot today. I was pretty bummed earlier. My dad told me that I should paint Daenyrus with a dragon because my sister wants more of my paintings. This was a challenge. I usually just paint whatever but I liked this idea. There is always that fear that it's going to suck. I put my heart and my soul into that painting. I dedicated it to D (friend who killed himself). I was crying through parts of it as I was also listening to really intense, emotional music. The truth is it's the best painting I've ever done. The truth is D has been the closest thing to a friend that I've had in the last 6 months. I spent more time with him than anyone outside my family. I knew he was troubled but I didn't know it cut that deep. I feel bad the time I waited 30 min. for him got fed up and left. It was a nice day outside and he didn't live that far but still. I was locked out of the building but still. I could have figured out a way to at least tell him that I was leaving. He never mentioned being depressed or suicidal to me or else maybe I could have helped.

So, that's 2 for 2 out of the people that I've gotten more close to giving rides that have died since being here. The other died due to gang violence. Although, that's misleading. He was an alcoholic that I worked with that was turning around his life and him and his father were helping a veteran with repairs on his house when they got jumped by some youths and murdered. Another fucking tragic event.

I'm going to continue giving people rides though. It's one of the ways I can actually help. Valar Morghulis. Valar Dohaeris.

I like to serve something bigger than just capital.

Back to the painting I finish it and send it to my sister and I am like all fucking lamo looking for the Like. That's such a fucking lamo place to be. So, I'm still all bummed out. I listen to Amnesiac by Radiohead on the way to the beach. It was an absolutely "beautiful" day outside but I just laughed to myself that the weather doesn't fucking matter when you are down. I am driving by flags at half-mast and thinking about those atrocities. I go on YouTube and everyone is talking about fucking gun control. No one fucking talks about the root cause of the problem ie. C A P I T A L I S M. My friend D was really into rap culture. Constantly worried about swag. I would sometimes push him a bit on that and discuss what Really matters. Discuss what the Good Life really means. It was too ingrained. Late stage capitalism is a wrecking ball. A runaway locomotive. We got kids killing themselves. It's a fucking tragedy. We have kids murdering people. When will it end?... It's not looking like anytime soon. In fact, the killing will likely only increase. Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Now, should I be able to go down to the local gun store and pick up an AR-15??? That's up for debate. But, even if I weren't able to I would just figure out a different way. The USA is deeply, deeply sick. I don't even know how we get out of it. I mean I know how I get out of it. Art and connection. Perhaps, it's one of those be the change you want to see in the world type of deals. I am still lacking in the connection area and the people I do connect with kill themselves so there is that. I haven't been depressed though so I don't think he was leeching that off of me. Most of our conversations were comical with some bordering on the deep. I had no indication that he was depressed or suicidal. I guess part of overcoming the grief is mulling over this stuff. I remember one time I had a blues cd in the car that was playing when the car started and I turned it off because he liked listening to rap. I should of just kept playing the blues. Maybe it could have saved his life.

It puts things in perspective though. Painting isn't always going to do it for me. Listening to blues, Anton Chekhov short stories, et al. I need some connections in my life. Yet, I shy away from them time and time again. A friend sent me a heart felt text about D killing himself and suggested I come over and hang out with some friends and I completely ghosted it. I haven't called anyone in probably about a month. I'm just becoming more and more reclusive. Hopefully, calling myself out on it will lead to action. Who the fuck knows man. These blogs are part of the problem but it feels like I need them. It's just so easy and they pass the time and when I'm feeling blue or anxious or whatever and flat out it's coping with existence. It's pretty clear I'm not thriving within existence so I'm grasping, I'm craving, and flat out it's something to do. No one thriving would write blogs on liquidpoker.net but I'm not thriving and I'm not shy to talk about it.

Maybe this is why I like Chekhov so much:

Chekhov's intellectual was a man who combined the deepest human decency of which man is capable with an almost ridiculous inability to put his ideas and principles into action; a man devoted to moral beauty, the welfare of his people, the welfare of the universe, but unable in his private life to do anything useful; frittering away his provincial existence in a haze of utopian dreams; knowing exactly what is good, what is worthwhile living for, but at the same time sinking lower and lower in the mud of a humdrum existence, unhappy in love, hopelessly inefficient in everything – a good man who cannot make good.

- Vladimir Nabokov, "Lectures on Russian Literature," pp. 253

He writes about me (and maybe you)

There are a lot of people like that who didn't have the gift of writing too. Chekhov's writings can't be said to have not been useful to a lot of people, Nabokov is being narrow-minded.

I am zonked from work but I don't know if you are reading the quote right or I am misreading what you wrote or I didn't add enough of the other information surrounding the quote I used. Nabokov loves these characters and he absolutely loves Chekhov.

He is saying that Chekhov wasted his life dreaming it away and he couldn't manage to be efficient. I don't think that when you are a great writer you needed to be much of anything else in order to be accomplished.

No he's not. Nabokov is talking about many of Chekhov's characters.

"This is the character that passes – in the guise of a doctor, a student, a village teacher, many other professional people – all through Chekhov's stories"

In another of his lectures he spends a good portion talking about how useful Chekhov was with both his art and storytelling and also through his philanthropic projects. Nabokov is pro-Dream and anti-efficient. Nabokov is the one who affirmed that Chekhov is the supreme'ist of writers and that Chekhov was also very much accomplished in other things (Doctor, philanthropist, human). Chekhov is getting to the depths of the human condition in his writing and doing it in an artful way. Nabokov has the utmost respect and admiration for Chekhov's intellectual as a character in a story. I don't think it's really a critique on that person in real life either. I would have to read more of Chekhov's stories but these characters are mostly seen in a good light. When judging a story Nabokov's only concern is with the artistry of the story. As if it were a painting but a painting that you have to keep turning the pages to understand. Nabokov puts Chekhov up there with Tolstoy as the premiere Russian writers of all time. I know you don't like Nabokov and I know you are butthurt that he doesn't include Dostoevsky in his top 5 and maybe not even top 10 Russian writers but he's definitely pro-Chekhov and pro-Dream. Read one of his novels like "Pnin" or "Luzhin's Defense" and you would understand more that he doesn't have contempt for this Chekhov intellectual type.

Have you ever thought about seasonal work at the national parks? I just got back from Yellowstone and it was amazing there. I miss it already. It makes more sense for me to continue my current job and just vacation there, but if I were working at Whole Foods and depressed and hating life I would definitely consider working there. I believe they provide housing in dorms in the park. Obviously you have to do menial grunt work like sell shit to tourists but in your free time you are minutes from some of the most beautiful landscapes in the world. Reading/meditating at waterfalls or watching wild bison, bears and wolves has got to be more fulfilling than blogging on a poker forum.

Ah I see, I misread.

On August 08 2019 18:23 blackjacki2 wrote: Have you ever thought about seasonal work at the national parks? I just got back from Yellowstone and it was amazing there. I miss it already. It makes more sense for me to continue my current job and just vacation there, but if I were working at Whole Foods and depressed and hating life I would definitely consider working there. I believe they provide housing in dorms in the park. Obviously you have to do menial grunt work like sell shit to tourists but in your free time you are minutes from some of the most beautiful landscapes in the world. Reading/meditating at waterfalls or watching wild bison, bears and wolves has got to be more fulfilling than blogging on a poker forum.

I would consider it. One thing is I am not depressed and I don't hate my life. Through the course of my blogs there are times where I have been depressed and/or hated my life. What I mean to say is that it's not like I am in some perma-depressed hate my life state. I am just ok. I am not bad. I am not great. I suffer at times. I am filled with real joy at times. I am a human being dealing with the human condition or predicament depending on how one wants to look at it.

One barrier to a lot of this stuff is how do I get there? My cell phone charger port in my car is broken. I don't want to drive anywhere. The globe is heating at a rate of emergency I don't really want to fly anywhere. It doesn't seem like the type of thing that I put a resume into Indeed and they give me free lodging and a job. Thank you though for the suggestion. I would love to work in the forest even if it meant having to sell shit to tourists (I think).

VIII

I am in an experimental state in my painting. Tonight, I wanted new colors, new fonts, new styles and I got nothing productive out of it so far. Well, I did realize the white oil paint stick can be a really fucking cool tool but the tempera paint sticks left a lot to be desired. They aren't bad just not as good as the oil paint sticks. The calligraphy pens are kind of a bust. The point is too narrow. Why would anyone care? Does anyone on here have any interest in painting? Why am I even on this site?

Because, I neeeed it.

A Justice song just came up on the radio it reminded me of the time I went to a Justice concert. It was a lot of fun until the OJ and vodkas turned into vodkas and vodkas. I peaced out on everyone with out telling anyone. All I remember from that point is vomiting out of the door of a taxi and the taxi getting very upset with me but then turning it into a we're in this together situation as he didn't want any vomit in his taxi. The next thing I know is my roommate is waking me up very anxiously saying we are late for a flight and need to go. About 2 hours of sleep and I am some combination of still drunk and hungover as fuck. Still don't know which one. I was struuggggling. I was haggard. Somehow I get together my stuff and get in the taxi cab. I open the window and basically go into a trance so I don't vomit. Somehow I get on the plane. Thankfully it is empty. I move as far away from everyone as I can and sit in it. I am vomiting so much the stewardesses ask if I am ok. I tell them no I am not ok but I am a man and will deal with this problem myself. 4 hours into the flight and I am just vomiting bile. That goes on for another 4 hours or so. I don't remember how long the flight was. It was from Buenos Aires to Cancun. Finally, we land and get to the hotel. I'm starting to feel a bit better. Finally, some marijuana. I'm feeling even better. I was so shaken up I got a full spa and massage treatment. Only time in my life but wow was it nice. Smoked some big trees and ate a colossal burger from room service. You just gotta get that omelette or burger (or marijuana) down and the rest of the day is a breeze. Start with a mixture of ice water, vitamin water, and sprite and just sip it slowly. Get some dry toast down if you can. Go for a walk if you can. Again, marijuana is a major asset to have in theses situations. But, dayum, I am happy I don't have to live like this anymore. This story is when it was still "fun." You don't want to see the other side of the coin.

I dreamed last night that I could play the guitar.

I just got a Picasso book in the mail. Damn, he was good.

I have a Basquiat book the size of a coffee table. He was very unique.

I enjoy hugging my cat.

This site isn't as fulfilling without Loco around. I learned a lot from that guy. He was like the ultimate knowledge curator but he could also grab from that knowledge library to help or for argumentation. He always was there to post a relevant and/or awesome YouTube video or post. The Politics thread will be a cesspool at this point but probably just not as active. I'm still truckin' away with this blog as you can see. I need something to do while I drink my coffee before I do some cleaning. Maybe I'll just read the Picasso book some more.

I fear without loco that thread and maybe your personal blog will die. Tbh I think he went too far in his last post on that thread but I can understand a lack of interest on his part to continue putting effort in his posts there.

Midnight Thoughts IX

9 is one of my favorite numbers. This is the number I wore in futbol even though I was a left back. Then we had this Moroccan national player that became our coach and he was like ich don't think so and I was number 42 or something gay like that. I had my revenge though since in lacrosse I played attack and scored a lot of goals I retained the #9 jersey even though I didn't score the most goals on my team. I did score a lot of goals mo fuckas! This is my blog I can do what I want mo fuckas!

I didn't take my captain status to the bank with the females though. I fucked zero times in high school. Even though there were rumblings of a lot of women who were after my Captain #9 goal scoring ass. I didn't know what to do with a woman. The FEAR or the ignorant was too great. I feel like after scoring the game winning goal at home under the lights against the top ranked team in the state for all of our adoring fans that deserves a blunt and a bad bitch. I have no idea what I did after that game though. Maybe took some vicodins, sipped on some Kahlúa, and passed out watching Japanese pro wrestling. That was my swag. Misawa v Kawada on video tape nigga.

Drugs are not for me.

I would like some relationships in my life. With friends. I never learned how to date really. Although there isn't a whole lot to it. Invite someone to do something at some time and have fun. If you have fun invite them out again. If you didn't have fun think about it and maybe don't invite them out again.

I think I am in a zone of self-acceptance that is pretty cool but I am not in a zone of self-confidence that really is needed for dating if that makes sense. I have a healthy amount of self-esteem but certainly not self-mastery in dating.

I think a better first step is to find some friends somehow. But, as a recluse pizzaiolo and painter that is no easy task. Unless I am just being negative about it. I only leave my house for crucial errands, to go to the art store, and to get food. I'm not going to meet anyone with those practices. Le sigh, it's not easy being a 35 yr old alcoholic in recovery. Drinking is NOT going to solve the problem.

Oh yeah, guys, I realized I am a drummer more than a guitarist. What are some cool drumming equipment I can get that is quiet so the neighbors won't want to kill me? Right now I just have some bongos but I want to scale up. Can anyone help me with this? I don't want 808s or bullshit like that that is felt in the lower chakra and is negative. I want positive drumming vibes. Like if Jesus came upon some "primitive" African tribe what kind of vibes, dancing, and drumming would they come up with? You know Jesus could get down. Mixed with some gospel choir.

It all goes together. The lights, the space, the drums, the dancing, the voice(s). A large bonfire should be included. This is my new vision for Vexin. Except for that the IDLES have to perform Danny Nedelko. Except for it doesn't have to be that big of a scale. That is just the vision though. Kanye could still perform some of his songs with the Sunday Service. It's going to happen on some scale even if it's just me in my parent's study looping drums, vocals, and dancing. I remember the last time I was manic I was setting stuff on fire inside the house and my mom got very upset so I guess the bonfire would be out. That's ok. I will scale up to a bonfire someday. And, then someday VEXIN!.... or not. I'd be happy with a bonfire and maybe a local punk band.

Just bought an electric drum set WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Now, I just have to get good enough to move souls. Lofty order. Maybe just good enough to stick with it and challenge myself. It's all about Love.