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How did I end up here?/Existence is upon us

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RiKD    United States. May 05 2019 04:45. Posts 6095
Today was one of those days that I got home and I could barely bear to bend over and untie my shoes. I was just hoping it would get better from there. It has. Another pint of Jenni's Brambleberry Crisp and now listening to Nujabes and writing down words. How did I end up as a pizza maker? It's really kind of bizarre. I made some great pizzas today and I made some not so great pizzas today. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting the dough a little bit and the ingredients. I looked to my co-workers who are much better than me. I shouldn't compare myself to them but I yearn to learn from them. I am at a somewhat weird part of my pizza progression. On the other hand, I don't necessarily feel that I am wasting my time making pizzas but I can't help but feel like there is a higher calling for me. Doesn't everyone feel like there is a higher calling for them...?

I don't need to kill myself either. I find it absurd that people throw around the advice to kill oneself on the internet. The time may come when it is time to kill myself but it's not now. I actually think I am on the cusp of having a not so bad life which could continue to grow. What am I missing? This social anxiety piece is really big. I think I have had it since middle school. I think it's why I was drawn to video games and poker. I think it's why I did so many substances at least in part. But, it's been stronger here than in the past. I let my hand tremor get to me. Although it is a weird thing to have a hand tremor (Lithium and Abilify).

What are your guys thoughts on some great tv shows?

Stroggoz reminded me of Rome in the GoT thread which I absolutely love. I pointed out that Deadwood is another show like that. My brother told me to watch some show called Marvelous Ms. Maisie or something like that he said it's better than GoT or he told me to watch One Punch Man. I was watching Handmaid's Tale but man some episodes are so bleak for the full 50+ min. I am trying to unwind and maybe laugh or get enthralled.

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Nitewin   United States. May 05 2019 10:43. Posts 1248

Find a passion that you build at every day.

If there's something you find missing, spend some time to fight for it. Learn. Anything can be learned. Become what you always wanted to be.

But in a realistic sense and not an unachievable fantasy.

Shows are amazing but don't let them be an escape.

I haven't read your blog in awhile but I love the tone of this one.

Love you man. Good luck!

 Last edit: 05/05/2019 10:44

dnagardi   Hungary. May 06 2019 17:42. Posts 1678

idk i have no idea about life

RiKD    United States. May 07 2019 00:15. Posts 6095

How did I end up here? Existence is upon us.

Everything felt right earlier today. It was 80 degrees F, sunny, with a nice breeze on the beach. I could look left (and later right) and behold the Water. I could feel the breeze on my face. I could hear the seagulls with their cackles and caws and watch the tiny birds shimmy across the sand looking for their tiny creatures to quell their hunger and keep them keepin' on. That is beauty. Not Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I spend time with Water and birds and also occasionally Curtis Mayfield. Soul music. Nujabes. Now, listen to me. I have one good hour on the beach and I think I understand it all... There is something to be said for what I am saying though. If I am in the forest and discover a butterfly I've never seen in real life before I am going to be in awe. I take it for granted but I am in awe of the Ocean most days I see it. I can't think of a naturally more soothing sound.

I am going to water the garden and maybe get some inspiration for more paintings.

I want to watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi again. People have joked with me when is Richard Dreams of Pizza going to come out...

To be honest I have different dreams. Most would say they are too unrealistic. Existence is upon us. Existence is upon us. Valar Morghulis.Valar Dohaeris. "All men must die." "All men must serve." All men must serve? What is the context of this? What does it mean?

I wish to serve. I think I might want to be a therapist. Something along those lines. I want nothing to do with Capitalism and I want to help people. I don't know exactly where that leaves me. I should look into this more.

Today, on the beach there was a perfectly nubile femininity doing a dance for her friends in a thong bikini. She had an ass inherited by Aphrodite or at least how they call it this day she was a PAWG for sure. I just thought, "Damn, what the hell was I doing at that age?" Why wasn't I at the beach with PAWGs dancing? I was probably holed up in the lab playing Warcraft 3, Diablo 2, or No Limit Texas Hold 'Em. I think this social anxiety thing which has been much talked about with therapists over the past 2 years is... Well, I don't entirely know what to make of it. I remember in high school I would sweat through my shirts so I would wear like 3 t-shirts. That was all some anxiety based shit. I didn't have panic attacks or anything I was just a very anxious, angsty teen. My outlet was sports. Then I stopped playing sports and started gaming. Then I stopped "gaming" and started playing poker. Then I started smoking a lot of weed. It's so weird though. I was a salesman for crying out loud. But, there was still social anxiety outside of the job. I didn't have many friends and the friends I did have everything surrounded drinking heavily. Then I got sober. I wouldn't say I was comfortable socially but I got by and came a long way.

RiKD    United States. May 07 2019 00:40. Posts 6095

  On May 05 2019 09:43 Nitewin wrote:
Find a passion that you build at every day.

Ideally how I am able to trade for goods. I guess a hobby isn't bad either. I just can't see myself toiling away for Capitalism but I also can't see a way out. I do enjoy making pizzas it's just it's tough work doing that throughout the weeks. I want to be faster and better and all of that but it takes it's toll and it's all to make the Store Manager or the CEO more money. I mean I don't know. I enjoy the aspect of making nice pizzas for people. It's better than a lot of things. Someone on this site had the idea to become a Montessori School Teacher. I have a lot of interest in doing that too. Montessori is the future. Part of the reason I am against becoming a School Teacher is the bureaucracy and the bullshit. Teaching these kids to become Capitalist drones.

  If there's something you find missing, spend some time to fight for it. Learn. Anything can be learned. Become what you always wanted to be.

But in a realistic sense and not an unachievable fantasy.

It would be nice to have a girlfriend. Some closer friends. That's probably a place to start. I want to be better at painting. My last painting I said fuck it and it is an interesting one. A second grader probably could have done it. A second grader could probably play the guitar better than me. Oh well, I suppose it's all supposed to be fun anyways. Both endeavors bring me joy. Painting more so than guitar at the moment. I get frustrated in both because I just don't have the knowledge or skills to do what I want to do. That is difficult when I have a creative vision and I can't bring it to fruition. It's the same in real life. I have a lot of vision for what I want in my life but it's another thing to carry it out. I had to fetch my passport the other day for some bureaucracy and it really brought me joy to see the photo taken in some random shop in Argentina. I was living the life I wanted and it was great. Which makes it somewhat puzzling that I can't recreate that. In some ways it would look largely different and in other ways it would like remarkably similar.

  Shows are amazing but don't let them be an escape.

Oh, they'll be an escape alright. I'm not really much of a tv watcher though. They go well with coming home from work pretty done but not yet ready to sleep though.

  I haven't read your blog in awhile but I love the tone of this one.

Love you man. Good luck!

Mucho Amor

RiKD    United States. May 07 2019 00:41. Posts 6095

  On May 06 2019 16:42 dnagardi wrote:
idk i have no idea about life

No idea?

How do you live?

How do you spend your days?

RiKD    United States. May 07 2019 06:18. Posts 6095

Of course, after such a lovely day I can't sleep..... Existence is upon us. I ate some real mediocre sushi for dinner. I got it from the grocery store. What should I expect?

I have been watching The Marvelous Ms. Masile and it is pretty good.

I am listening to Lovlee Dae (Jake Childs Remix) by Blaze. I could go into flashbacks of when I first heard this song. In the therapy book I am reading they say it's less about going back into the past and uncovering some magical thing that will improve the future.

Diggin' in the crates, diggin' in the crates(My ITunes Collection):

Bob Dylan
Bob Marley
Bob Sinclair
Bobby Valentino
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Bootsy Collins,
Boyz II Men
It's Britney Bitch!
Bruce Springsteen
Busta Rhymes

BSOD stands for Better Sounding On Drugs.

To be honest, yes. Music sounds better on drugs. It also sounds better in these One Odio headphones. It's not like music sounds BAD without drugs. Surely, it is not something to really fret about as an alcoholic in recovery. I've had religious experiences coming home and toking up and listening to Radiohead or Björk or whatever. Marijuana by ChromeSparks is one I would go to if I relapse.

I remember in Buenos Aires when I was playing high stakes and I had a session and was on tilt I would quit and just start iTunes shopping. By the time I spent a thousand I was feeling better. You know how difficult it is to browse and spend $2,000 on iTunes??? It took hours.

Finding Beauty by Craig Armstrong
Zap Zap by Cut Copy
It's Too Late (Dirty South Remix)

I don't know if I have anything profound to say. I am really just killing time until I may or may not be able to fall asleep. It's a cruel joke to give someone a nice day and then not let them sleep.

I go to therapy for help in relieving the suffering in my life. It's really that simple.

I want to skip ahead when Thom Yorke had his own project. Or, there is another song by U.N.K.L.E. I believe.


Analyse by Thom Yorke. I think this The Eraser album is underrated. It may not be Kid A or OK Computer but I'd have to listen to it again and again. I actually have the urge to drink about a handle of Jack Daniels and do bong rips from a giant glass ROOR and just lie in bed and listen to this album. A handle of Jack Daniels would probably bring me into the hospital these days. I'm such a lightweight. 6 years ago it would have been like "ok, whatever." Oh man, that is not a good place to be. And, sometimes I go sit in rooms with 30-50+ of these fucks. How do things get so distorted? Thank God I am out of that hell (for now). I wish I knew what made me not drink.

OH! Tool played some new songs at Welcome To Rockville. Look it up if you are so inclined.

I'll link this one.

U.N.K.L.E. I was thinking about (featuring Thom Yorke)


I bought an album of authentic Native American war dances and would go to the gym all speeded up like a maniac.

Your Loving Arms (Club Mix) by Karen Overton. Album DJ Ricardo! Presents Out Anthems.

I wanted to DJ a gay club in Pittsburgh. It was right next to the BJJ gym. I went in there one time because I badly needed some water. Everyone was cool except they charged me $3 for a bottle of generic water. I never went in there again but it would have been a cool venue to DJ. I love gay people. Gay people rock. Except when they charge you $3 for a bottle of water but that is more a fault of Capitalism than gay people. I actually that is a dream that could be quite doable. DJ somewhere. I'll make a great set for the gays if they want or I'll make a great set for a mixed group of people. Whatever.

A song like Sorry (Dirty South Remix) by Kaskade I feel would kill anywhere depending on where you play it in the set.

Oh shit man. Beach in Hawaii by Ziggy Marley. I played this song on repeat for basically a day sitting at tjbentham's dinner table just stacking chips. I made more than an entry to the WSOP ME but was too lazy to find cash live to play that year.

Awwww, my girl Bebel.

Aganju by Bebel Gilberto

I think Benny Benassi's all time best was Satisfaction but Who's Your Daddy? (David Guetta & Joachim Garraud Remix) fueled so many workout efforts. Love Is Gonna Save us also. I have to dig in the CD crates to find some of the Benassi stuff. It's funny how that works (how certain albums switch from CD to digital but then I have large burnt CD collection also before digital could be played in cars).

Caruso by Lucio Dalla

I have always had reverence for like old style Italy. Sardegnia, et al. I think that's part of why I don't mind the whole pizza gig. It really is a great flavor profile. When I lived in Reading, PA there was a fantastic Italian grocery store I would go to all the time. I even remember recently I made pizza at the house and made the sauce from scratch and everything. It feels like I am so far from that. I just want to go out and grab something these days.

Nessun Dorma! by Pavorotti (!)

There was this lovely Italian restaurant in Pittsburgh called La Girasole (The Sunflower). I really have a soft spot for good Italian food. If I am so lucky I will find myself a nice Italian girl who was taught her grandmother's recipes from a young age. I may leave on that thought. Hopefully, I can dream of Italian food and Italian women. Monica Belucci would be nice.

RiKD    United States. May 07 2019 21:48. Posts 6095

The problem with life is that we need meaning in a universe that is meaningless.

"Life begins on the other side of despair." - Sartre

Loco   Canada. May 08 2019 00:33. Posts 20190

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable. 

RiKD    United States. May 08 2019 01:14. Posts 6095

Absolutely love this song. I love watching them perform too. I never paid that close attention to the lyrics before. It's pretty obvious I can relate.

From what I've seen Bob Marley lived a pretty great life despite his infidelities. Greet the sun with time at the beach and in the jungle and soccer. In a documentary I saw him and his friends showered in natural waterfalls. Much of his day and mostly nights were spent with comrades and creating music. But, that story is individual to him.

As far as I can tell I must have some comrades and an (altruistic) cause to keep me going. I am still unsure if EZLN, YPG, Gilet jaunes are specifically my calling. In likelihood they aren't but it feels kind of bad man to just sit around and make pizzas and almost struggle through my time being alive. I am writing again so things seem pretty good and I will be cooking soon so usually that is good but what about after that? Do other people really think about these things to the degree I do? I am all of a sudden quite curious about that. Like, writing right now even if it may be nonsense listening to Bob Marley - Natural Mystic and everything in the world seems fine. 2 hours previous I was dreading what I would be doing at this time if I didn't go to an AA meeting that I really had no interest in going to besides going out to get tacos afterwards with the comrades. Comrade is too strong of a word for what it really is but maybe not. We have all fought the war against alcohol and lost BADLY. We are survivors and veterans of the Hells of Alcoholism.

One thing to note is that I was talking so lovingly for Italian food and tonight I am cooking some up. Very simple. Very simple ingredients. You can't really go wrong. It shows I do have freedom in my life. I can make choices. Oh well, I feel like listening to Bob Marley and making some La Cusina Italia so I will. Why can't I just flat out do that in other areas of my life?!?!!

Baalim   Mexico. May 08 2019 06:33. Posts 33304

I've always loved that unkle video... feels cathartic

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online 

Santafairy   Korea (South). May 08 2019 08:22. Posts 1762

i like columbo and the twilight zone

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

dnagardi   Hungary. May 08 2019 21:13. Posts 1678

  On May 06 2019 23:41 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +

No idea?

How do you live?

How do you spend your days?

by instinct

I have a good job, a good gf, a good and healthy body, I should not complain at all.
nevertheless I'm thinking about trying DMT becaused im bored and basicly have no goal.

RiKD    United States. May 09 2019 04:35. Posts 6095

  On May 08 2019 20:13 dnagardi wrote:
Show nested quote +

by instinct

I have a good job, a good gf, a good and healthy body, I should not complain at all.
nevertheless I'm thinking about trying DMT becaused im bored and basicly have no goal.


I would say do the DMT and report back here how it goes. I wish to live vicariously through you.

You could always knock up the girlfriend. That will give you quite a project on your hands.

Or, come join me and dedicate your life to Tulsi Gabbard's campaign for the Presidency in 2020.

Actually, you have to figure it all out for yourself but I'm thinking DMT will be a good idea.

RiKD    United States. May 10 2019 05:52. Posts 6095

I love this song and i love this woman:

Once again I can't sleep. Maybe I shouldn't make such a big deal about it. It helps me to just come on here and write a blog so maybe it's a bit selfish in a way. I mean the last one I literally just went through part of my iTunes library. I think it helps to just relax instead of worrying about whether or not I am going to sleep.


A friend called me the other day. We hadn't spoke in 2 years. We haven't seen each other in 5. We had a great conversation for 3+ hours. It was energizing. I need great friends in my life yet here I was in my house pretty much the whole day. The only time I left was to go for a solitary walk and to go grocery shopping. I didn't talk to anyone. We talked about what we want to do this year. I wanted to join an altruistic cause, get some comrades, and get a girlfriend. He's already got a good job, a great wife, and it was good to hear that he is doing well. He went through a lot of struggles towards the end of poker and afterwards and it was amazing to hear that he's kind of caught up with everything and still growing and changing.

I wonder how much I'd pay to watch Monet paint and explain his process?

Bob Ross videos are amazing but he's got like 10 fan brushes and 5 2'' brushes and he's like throwing turpentine around like it's nothing.

"I just wish everyone would eat curry and dance"

Loco   Canada. May 11 2019 16:51. Posts 20190

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 11/05/2019 16:53

RiKD    United States. May 13 2019 07:37. Posts 6095

Arghhhhhhhh, I can't sleep again. Best bet is to not get too worked up about it. This blog is brought to you by Haagen Das - Dulche de leche ice cream. I ate about half a pint tonight before watching GoT. Seems to be a theme of my blogs. What pint of ice cream am I eating tonight. Sheesh. It just happens. I go to the store and buy ice cream and then I eat it. Pretty simple.

Anways, I'm listening to Orbital tonight.

This is a classic:

I used to love playing this after an intense session of BJJ. Just so calming and nice on the ride home.

Just me and the cats. That's how much of a gangster I am. They've been fed and we are all just lounging. Annnddd, as I'm writing this.... they're gone. That's alright. They'll be back. Probably, tomorrow morning when they want some food. I love my cats.

You know, I was thinking... I don't think I can be friends with anyone who follows Sharia law. I can be understanding and tolerant to a point. It's not their fault. But, does it become their fault at a certain point? I don't want anyone following Sharia law in my community. I don't want the muslim rapists/jihadists from Africa or Afghanistan in my area. I've tended to like the latinos that have immigrated to the E.E.U.U. I don't know if it's fucking up the STATE or not. I've just liked the latinos that have moved here is all. I have a feeling France would like me if I moved there. Just give me a chance France!

Someday, I am going to write a cohesive blog on 1 topic. That day is not today and I probably wouldn't write it here.

I'm really enjoying the music I am listening too but I don't know if I have much to talk about.

I got some cold brew coffee from work today. It is called "Lumberjack Cold Brew." It has cream and maple sugar in it. I'm actually looking forward to it. I had some Vietnamese Cold Brew once and it was super strong and had me going. I am thinking about getting super caffeined up for my Psychotherapist appointment tomorrow and just try to break down barriers. It doesn't really work like that though.

I like this song:

I need a lot of help in a lot of areas.

I don't know if I am considered a dry drunk. That is like the ultimate insult in AA circles. I probably am considered a dry drunk. What is there to do? I don't know.

I thought I might have been depressed like 2 weeks ago but I might be gearing up for another manic episode. I am not really there yet. I have a ways to go. It is better that I don't go there.

I am staring death in the face. I have a skull who is looking right at me. I have a collection of beautiful things I have found in nature. My offering bowl to the Buddha is downstairs and empty. OH NO!

Daft Punk is telling me it's the primetime of my life. That may be correct. The primetime of my life that I have to still live. I may have had my prime in my twenties. How to deal with a thing like that. I am getting older and more decrepit as I type. If I am not impotent due to all the medications I am taking I will soon by impotent due to aging.

I love this song. The club soda at the beginning is Super Street Fighter II PERFECT! That is my new drug. About a half bottle of whatever sparking water, the rest cranberry juice with a squeeze of lime.


Love this one:

My life is somewhere between everything slowly crumbling away and like ultimate hope that things will get better. The thing is: Everything is slowly crumbling away. That is a fact. I have to pause and think about the second part. I don't even really know what getting better really means. I'd love to work at a non-profit, have some comrades, have a girlfriend. That trend keeps showing up. I wish to be part of a cause, have some comrades, and have a girlfriend. I think those 3 simple things are the key. That's it.

Loco   Canada. May 13 2019 16:23. Posts 20190

this anarcho-capitalist wet dream gave me a chuckle

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable. 


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