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RiKD    United States. Apr 15 2019 13:50. Posts 6314
What do you want? What do you Really want?

What do I want? What do I Really want?

In psychotherapy this is one of the most fundamental questions. What are someone's true wishes in this world? Then it is the individual's responsibility to act on these wishes. That's why it is important to be accurate with one's wishes. We are free to choose (to some extent). We are the sum of our actions.

What do I want?

I figure I would do this as an experiment and an exercise. I am just all in my head before a psychotherapy appointment and rather than sit here and do nothing I'll maybe get some of this stuff out of my head and it will be worthwhile.

There are a lot of interrelated things in my life. A big one is always the job. I don't hate it. I get a good feeling sometimes. It's not a bad place to be BUT it's not going to get me out of my parent's house. I do not wish to work more hours or scale up in the capitalist world. It's like I am almost forced to find something in the public or non-profit sector. Living at home effects dating (so does making more money). I would like to date but it's almost like the state of my life dating is more annoyance than fun. I would like to go out and have more fun. Spend time with people. I wish to get better at painting and the electric guitar. I think these are all pretty doable things. But, it really goes back to that work piece. I have no desire whatsoever to climb higher in capitalism but I am currently a bit fucked in regards to finances... Fucked is a strong word. I eek it out like I have said on here before. I will stay at my parent's place and perhaps continue to be incel. It feels like I have to go back to school for something or maybe more importantly work for someone that ends in .org. There are no ultimate rescuers here. This is all on me. I have to figure this out but I hope I get help and inspiration along the way.

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Santafairy   Korea (South). Apr 15 2019 17:20. Posts 1819

i want to live a life

full of brightness and light

i don't want to be in the dark

i want everything to be shining all the time

my psychotherapist agrees

so i think i'll buy a lamp

i have about 3 grand in my leisure budget now

do you think that's enough

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. Apr 15 2019 18:28. Posts 6314

Awwwww man, I was getting into it and have a lot more thoughts after seeing my therapist but it's hard to go there after getting trolled. I do have to say it's a pretty good one too.

Therapist cliffs:

- (too many) clunky philosophical arguments for a therapist session surely

- wanting to paint, play the guitar, and be social are symptoms of my unsatisfactory life

- she strongly suggests I start dating

I told her I wanted to start dating and she says because I am not I am suppressing it and it is coming out in undesirable ways like overeating. Sex and bonding with someone are natural urges that we shouldn't suppress. That's a good insight though. What are our true wishes? Well, if it is molesting boys or murdering people that kind of sucks but if it is dating and creative expression then it is possible to make that choice.

One time I really wanted a Le Corbusier lamp and then I bought it and it actually brought me inspiration and joy. I was in awe of it. But, I don't think that should be the moral of the story. I was wild as fuck and in a lot of pain when I bought that lamp. Trapped in a worse situation than I am in now. Buying material things is not the ticket out. It's just not. It's just a spiral further into the shit.

The truth is Capital has their hand in everything. Of course, the private sector is riddled with it but so are the public and non-profit. There is no escape from Capital as of now and now and now. So, I really don't know. It appears I am fucked. There has got to be a way to start living more and getting a bit more satisfaction out of life though, no?

I am caught between Lao Tzu Taoism and the Sartre 100% responsibility acolytes still. Should I just be content or hop on Tinder again or get more serious and find better dating apps for me personally? I don't know man...

If anything I am rooting for more poems from Santafairy.

 Last edit: 15/04/2019 18:30

LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Apr 17 2019 10:59. Posts 15125

93% Sure!  

devon06atX   Canada. Apr 17 2019 22:42. Posts 5414

  On April 17 2019 09:59 LemOn[5thF] wrote:

FYa beat me to it

Santafairy   Korea (South). Apr 19 2019 08:48. Posts 1819

that was a poem?

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus HansenLast edit: 19/04/2019 08:49

RiKD    United States. Apr 20 2019 05:02. Posts 6314

I just got some new one odio headphones and I am listening to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. One morning I woke up humming "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and decided to buy an electric guitar. These headphones are fucking Goood Man.

I am writing this post because I need to. I have realized this. Like you know how depressing it is to habitually check LP through out the day. After breakfast, maybe another time or 5 before going to work. Checking it on break at work is the most depressing or perhaps when I come home from work. I am usually let down. I don't know what I am expecting?

I thought I might make it with out eating junk food after work today. I just couldn't do it. My plan to eat junk food and watch movies lasted 4 days and now I just eat junk food. I've gained maybe 10 lbs. in the last month or so. I just crave high density food and junk and it feels like I'm all fucked up diet wise. My therapist says it stems from suppressing what I want. I guess at the fore front is a cool chick with a dripping wet pussy. It's bigger than that though. My expectations are too great. I am a broken record but I am at the forefront of what to be content with and where do I need to change? Working second shift is kind of a tough one no matter how you slice it. It's not bad if one is going out to bars and sleeping in a little bit but I am just left to watch movies, eat junk food....

You know I listened to this album "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd the first time I ever got high. We smoked in a dugout. The rolling papers were strawberry flavored. I got super high and then we all played ultimate frisbee.

I had a good friend I was staying with. He literally had speakers in his shower. The guest shower just had a nice setup going. I remember getting so unbelievably high and getting lost in a high shower to this album for who knows how long. I was paranoid the neighbors were going to complain about how absurdly loud the music was.

"Welcome to the Machine" - That is what I am talking about. So, I am lonely, I am isolated, I want to date, I want someone to talk to about what books I am reading. I think that's why my last therapy session was kind of weird. I wanted to discuss "Existential Psychotherapy" with my psychotherapist but that's kind of a weird thing to do. Maybe not. Oh well, I don't think that really matters but I am lonely, and isolated. I am not looking to forge myself to someone or an ultimate rescuer. I mean actually wish that were possible but it doesn't matter what I do I will be isolated to a certain extent.

I actually think writing this in a private journal would have the same effect. Sometimes I feel like this blogs are similar to the women on reddit/girlsgonewild parading around for attention but I need this. Maybe they need that.

I am getting near a sobriety anniversary and I don't like the attention and I don't link thinking about it.

A friend of mine today on break who used to be sober openly just smoked right near me. We were both on break and I just experienced the overwhelming smell. I couldn't look over. I didn't want to. I just heard him coughing and the smell is obviously undeniable to a former pothead. I didn't know what to do. I just don't acknowledge it. He came in blazar'd the other day reeking of weed and I was just like I didn't want to believe it. But, today was undeniable. I don't even know if I want to smoke or drink. I don't really. The prospect of reaching comfortably numb always seems like a good proposition at first glance. I have people I can talk about this to though. I think I just need to get it out here sometimes. Especially at 11:44 PM EST.

I could go play my guitar. Maybe I'll go do that. I'm kind of fucking tired and I fucking suck at guitar. That is another thing. It feels like my confidence is just waning some days. Somedays I am feeling pretty good. Today was just a bit of a drag. Sometimes it feels like I don't have much to be confident about. We only get one life. Why not get good at Capitalism? Get good at climbing the dominance hierarchies? Maximize status and money? What if I am not suited for this? I am a misfit. I am an outkast. I think it may come back to just not using substances. Nothing will get me to hell faster than that. I wouldn't say I am living in hell now. Just a not very fulfilling life but I am not sure what would make my life fulfilling. Listening to Pink Floyd and just writing this shit out life doesn't feel so bad but once I stop and click "Submit post" and have to sit here and then check gmail and then check YouTube and just ugh. I think anytime I feel lonely it should be mandated that I read "Infinite Jest."

Tool - Aenima
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Caribou - Swim

Those are my top 3 albums in this moment.

Loco   Canada. Apr 20 2019 08:11. Posts 20422

Listen to King Crimson - In the Court of the Crimson King

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 20/04/2019 08:35

RiKD    United States. Apr 21 2019 05:00. Posts 6314

The trolls are funny enough and all but I think Loco gets it. A lot of times when making blog posts on here I am in a whirlwind of shit. I wouldn't necessarily say that is the case here. Even if the troll is funny it's not really all that kind to troll someone who is in a whirlwind of shit. I suppose it's natural. It goes back to the idea that I am a freak show on here. Which evidence shows that I am. I am really just a guy that is looking to express myself in different avenues of my life with people. This website might be a horrible avenue for it but King Crimson is fucking awe-some. Awesome is a word that has been overused in the USA. But, it means full of awe. To be in awe of something is a wondrous occasion.

I found another new artist the other day that I am digging:

I seem to always go back to the DJs but the electric guitarists are epic and I always go back to the drums too. Vocals are of course great but I don't have the pipes. I just don't. At least with DJing and electric guitar there is some hope for me. It's funny I never even ever think about the bass. My brother was a pretty epic cellist. The cello is a great instrument. I played the violin for 1 year before I quit. I played the piano for about a year before I quit. Those instruments were not really for me. My mom never let me play the electric guitar. I played acoustic in 7th grade in school. I played Eleanor Rigby among others in a recital. That was pretty fun.

But, yeah, guys. If I am in a whirlwind of shit post cool stuff. Post cool stuff anyways.

Here is a YouTube video I thought was interesting:

Raidern   Brasil. Apr 21 2019 17:04. Posts 4234

hey rikd what are you reading and why?
i've been reading literature only (brave new world and an uruguayan book about the period of military dictatorship - primavera con una esquina rota, i don't know the english name) but im thinking about reading something else for a change

im a regular at nl5 

RiKD    United States. Apr 21 2019 20:56. Posts 6314

I am re-reading "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace. I am always somewhere in this book. It is my go to book if I am feeling lonely. It is quite a sad book but also very funny. It may be my favorite book of all time but it is also quite a hike at over 1,000 pages.

I am reading "Existential Psychotherapy" because it gives me a better understanding of existential psychotherapy, existentialism, psychotherapy, and is offering insight for how to change for the better.

"Brave New World" is an excellent book. I never actually finished it. I am trying to think why not? I think it was a combination of moving, my life getting crazier, and my alcoholism getting worse.

What do you mean by reading something else for a change? Do you want to read non-fiction or do you want to read a new fiction?

If you speak Spanish the first thing that came to mind was Jorge Luis Borges "Ficciones."

I recently read "Old Man and the Sea" by Hemmingway and that was pretty good.

What kind of book are you looking for?

My favorite authors are probably something like Nabokov, Amis, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, DFW, Gogol, Kafka, Joyce........ But, there are also plays. No Exit by Sartre. Waiting for Godot by Beckett. The possibilities are seemingly limitless. They aren't limitless but they might as well be but we can't call that limitless. But, we can say so close to zero it might as well be zero. That's a stupid math tangent I am sorry. The point is there are so many fantastic books in this world. It brings me joy when people have the reading bug. The tingle in the spine. Rapture through reading.

Raidern   Brasil. Apr 22 2019 04:26. Posts 4234

What I meant is i'd like to read some non-fiction. I used to be a decent reader before but lately I've been using my free time just to read news or scroll through social media. Ive been wasting a lot of time on that, so want to read a little more as it's such a good habit. From your posts I knew you read a lot that's why I asked what are you reading.

im a regular at nl5 

RiKD    United States. Apr 22 2019 17:58. Posts 6314

Non-fiction is pretty broad. Just start with a subject or a particular writer and see how it goes. One book tends to branch into another book or you can just read an entirely different author or subject it doesn't really matter. I have Doug Hofstadter in line for example: "Gödel, Escher, Bach" and "I am a Strange Loop." I also have Jean Baudrillard on the shelf. That's just literally on my Kindle or on my bookshelf. There are more than that and there are more like written down somewhere or saved on Good Reads or just perhaps was in my mind at some point. In conclusion, I typically start with an author or a subject and go from there. It's easier to start with a subject and narrow it down if you don't know any authors but if you find a particular author than it is easier to just read his library or in that book they will cite other authors and books and you can just go from there.

RiKD    United States. Apr 25 2019 17:58. Posts 6314

What do you want?

What is your wish?

The problem with this line of thinking is that there is no genie to grant wishes. I think we must ask ourselves questions like these:

What are you good at?

What brings you joy?

What brings you peace?

Can we know these things?

If I wish to have a sexual relationship with Kate Upton that is pretty unreasonable. She is a celebrity model whom I'm pretty sure is married with a kid.......

So, what happens then. Am i suppressing this un-granted wish now?

I have to actualize ALL of my wishes?

That's certainly unreasonable. But, I should definitely be more reasonable with my wishes if I can. Although, they are wishes and fantasies after all. I can't necessarily control my thoughts, wishes, fantasies. I guess my best bet is to make sense of them and attempt to live within this world.

I could also just say fuck it and work on being content with my current life but if I'm not actually content I don't think it is wise to play mental gymnastics like that. I can count my blessings for sure though. I injured my rotator cuff somehow (I think sleeping on it wrong) and it has been bothering me now for a bit. It's a pain in the ass. One day you have a left arm that works the next day you don't. One day you are sober eeking it out the next day maybe you are back in drunken hell. I got 5 years sobriety yesterday. I don't feel any different. The statistics say if you can get to 5 years there is a decent chance of making it a lifetime. That is too much to think about. Who the fuck knows? I really don't even know how I got to 5 years. I'm not really sure how I am going to get to 6. I'm not even entirely sure how I am going to get through today. These days I typically just don't think about it much. I do have a sponsor (that I basically never call), there is some human connection. I don't really know. I know I don't want to drink and enter all that that entails.

And, maybe that is it? I am content to not be drinking and doing drugs. I do have wishes though. So, I should be working on them. Figure out what I want and make a choice to go after it. Right now, it's some quirky type chick like Yaeji. It seems to always come out to dating and relationships but I am not sure that is what I want. It is one thing to lust after an aura of personality and attractiveness it is another entirely to put in the "work." Make a good profile on a dating app/site, confront my social anxiety, play the game so to speak. That doesn't sound particular appealing.

Fuck it. I'll do my rotator cuff stretches/exercises and play some electric guitar.

RiKD    United States. Apr 26 2019 02:48. Posts 6314

Do I want suicide?

I think suicide is good to consider thoroughly. I think it leads to action and getting more out of life.

How would I do it?

Well, I don't want to shoot myself, I don't want to eat a bunch of Lithium pills, I don't want to slash my wrists. I have always liked the idea of hari kari but that is pretty harrowing. Maybe suicide should be harrowing. Death is harrowing.

I wouldn't want it to be too gruesome. Likely my parents would have to find me and I wouldn't want it to be too graphic or traumatizing. I wouldn't want to hang myself.

Then there is the issue of writing a letter. Oh gosh... What to say, what to say. I don't think I would bother writing one. Maybe just tell everyone I love them and that this world was not meant for me. But, why not? Why isn't this world meant for me? "Death is so terribly final. Life is full of possibilities." - Tyrion Lannister. Even going back to being some drunkard and whore mongering my way through life that is certainly better than death, no? Even though I slept 10 hours and have taken 2 naps today that is certainly better than death, no?


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