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The Aftermath

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RiKD    United States. Feb 27 2019 18:43. Posts 8445


RiKD    United States. Feb 27 2019 18:47. Posts 8445

"Large Buenos Aires Jumpsuit"


RiKD    United States. Feb 27 2019 18:47. Posts 8445

How do you feel about all of these images?


RiKD    United States. Feb 27 2019 18:49. Posts 8445

Honestly


RiKD    United States. Feb 27 2019 19:25. Posts 8445

Are women slaves to the unblinking gaze of outlier models and celebrities?

Who are in turn wage slaves to the rich elite and the runaway train that is capitalism?

Why don't I just go to Rojava and fuck a woman without all the makeup and fashion and bullshit?

I'll prepare rice and beans and fruit or whatever they like to eat there and chai tea and do the cleaning and make sure the equipment is serviced then I'll service her mouth and her body and her clit until she's wet enough to enter and the horns will be sounding and an ISIS assassin will decapitate me as I am coming and that will be the end of a life well lived. Apparently, I have heard I would still be alive for about 10 sec. so it's a nice way to just finish the orgasm and fade to black. The End. Fin. INFINITI AND BEYOND. What does it all mean? Infinite infinites? I believe more in xfininity (not the cable company, oh god no) or multi-verses. Who really fucking knows at this point. I went to an AA meeting last night for the first time in months....... I don't even really know what to say about it. There were friendly people, funny people, serious people, kind people, weird people, fucked up people but primarily it was a lot of alcoholics. I just don't know if I am down with their solution at this point even though it worked for me. I called a very good friend on the phone yesterday and he asked me what I have been doing. This question makes me realize I am mostly an eccentric recluse that works at a pizza shop. It feels weird to say I sit on my computer all day researching stuff. That's basically what I do. So, I am getting judged by one of my best friends for not going to AA in basically 6 months and researching stuff all day. Oh well, Tool is likely coming out with a new album this year. We'll have a listening party and I'll go up to Pittsburgh to see all my old comrades and it will be great.

One of the favorite things in my room is I have a human skull (not real) on my bookcase with an Ace of Spades playing card in the hole in front of it. It's occasionally fun to squeeze it out. I miss poker and gambling sometimes. I love baccarat when you can destroy the cards. I told the story before when I was supposed to be watching a trial on the graveyard shift in a steel mill and I show up and everyone is sleeping and the manager says just come back at 5am so I go to the casino and play baccarat with a bunch of Sick Asian Gamblers. I never even saw Asians in Northwest Indiana but they were all in the Baccarat room gambling HARD. Oh my god, that was fun. You get dealt 7 of diamond and the 2 of spade and sweat the x across. Then you sweat a Queen of heart and get a stack of chips shipped your way it is like ecstasy. The asians are like taking notes on what is coming out even though it doesn't matter BUT IT DOES MATTER! And, they are getting pissed and ripping up cards and people are smoking and drinking whiskey and it's great. I hit a bit of a rush that night and got out of there with like + $500 (I was betting $25/hand). Then I go back to the mill and everyone is still sleeping. It was winter. They build cardboard huts and place them strategically near the heaters. There was nothing really to see in regards to the trial so I got the fuck out there and got some sleep. It is just a rite of passage type of thing to watch a trial for a week on the graveyard shift in the steel industry. Except you aren't supposed to sneak out and play Baccarat every night... Lol, that was a stressful time in my life. I would also go to strip clubs instead of writing reports. My boss called me one time when I was at the strip club and was like "Bro, are you writing that report??????" I was probably about 1 bottle of Vueve Cliquot and a double Hennessey deep into the drinking game already and then had to drive home and try to work on this report. One day I literally went HAM and spent like 20 hours of focused work on it, and the next day, and the next day, I was manic as fuck. So, it's like this 75 page dissertation and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK???? WHEN AM I GOING TO HAVE THE TIME TO READ THIS???? So, I gave them all some cliff notes and then some of the lowerlings ended up reading it and they took all my suggestions and then ended up giving the other guy the business because they were cheaper and he bribed upper management.


RiKD    United States. Feb 28 2019 07:28. Posts 8445

I don't know why I am journaling so much these days. Compulsion, coping, narcissism, all of the above?

The truth is I'm lonely. I want to be smoking an entire volcano bag of purple kush and watching Planet Earth or Dave Mathews Band - Halloween Live @ the Tabernacle or listening to Chrome Sparks - Marijuana and drawing beautiful women. Sometimes I feel like the only reason worth living is beautiful women but that seems silly. I know I'm supposed to help people or be a monk or whatever but I don't know. AA would have me praying at least twice a day and turning my life and will over to the care of (a Christian) God. I know I write about this a lot but how am I going to stay sober and live some semblance of a life without (something)? It's like I am in existential turmoil every 3 months. What was I even going on about having kids as a solution to this???? I must be desperate.

I must be desperate.

"Purple Kush is a pure indica strain that emerged from the Oakland area of California as the result of a Hindu Kush and Purple Afghani cross. Its aroma is subtle and earthy with sweet overtones typical of Kush varieties. Blissful, long-lasting euphoria blankets the mind while physical relaxation rids the body of pain, sleeplessness, and stress. Purple Kush will grow wide rather than tall, and will be ready for harvest following an 8 week flowering time." (leafly.com)





You can even go with the seandeeb modified bag. What a hero.

I still remember the smell, the sounds, the feels. Purple Kush is THE variation for an afterwork high shower to Art of Noise - Moments of Love, Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams and Planet Earth session. I could smoke a whole bag without any waste (not a seandeeb bag). Smoke another bag and listen to Majestic Casual and get some sleep. Maybe my true love in life is drugs. I'm wasting my time with this sober living shit. I just won't drink alcohol. I'll only try heroin right? How, could I live my life without at least trying heroin? What kind of proper addict never tries heroine?

You know I realize having steady work for a while at a corporation that I am a pretty extreme person.

What do I really want?

I want the excitement of a one night stand again.

2 orgasms for her:

1.) expert cunnilingus
2.) FINISH HER! Missionary with a Hitachi Magic Wand (if she is down). Most women open for a 1 night stand will at least be open to clitoral stimulation manually.

If I can manage to finish at the same time as her than that is pretty pro style. I think I enjoy finishing inside and leaving it in for a little bit but I mean finishing on the swell of the back, the breasts, the mouth, it's all a coin flip really.

But, this isn't actually satisfying. I mean it is but it isn't. Fucking existence man.

So, what do I really want?

Like, do I really want to date and get into a relationship and maybe find a partner for a lifetime or maybe 5 years before we break up?

It's been crazy at work. I see this woman I like, then this woman I like, then this women I like, all day. The ones that I work with tend to stay with me longer as I am repeatedly in contact with them especially the ones that work in the bakery (directly across from pizza + bistro). I really like one of the women in the floral department and maybe like 3 cashiers.

It feels like I need to unlock my unconsciousness with my psychiatrist. Even if that is scary. I trust her. Maybe that is almost addicted. No, not almost. It is addicting. I am attempting to unlock my unconsciousness here in my journals but it is not possible to the degree that I can with another trusted human being behind a closed door. I would lay on M's couch and tell her my thoughts while she would sit with her legs crossed smoking a cigarette on the nearby chair but M was not a trained psychoanalyst. Dr. D is. I wanted a continual sexual relationship with M. I just want help from Dr. D. I just want help.

I remember traveling to Uruguay to update my passport so I could stay in Argentina for another 3 months. My friend and I missed the ferry back and had to wait for the night ferry and were maybe sick of each other's company and said we would meet at the next ferry. I just walked around the city observing. There was a bench overlooking the water as the sun was setting. I just felt terribly alone. I remember thinking I have all this money and all this freedom and I am wasting my life. Why don't I have a Buenos Aires girlfriend and take her to Rio or Paris or Tokyo? But, I got on the ferry back to Buenos Aires and back to obsessing over poker that culminated in me giving billionaire Guy my last $20,000 and that sickening feeling of reloading to like $337.37 in a 25/50 deep-stacked w/ an ante game.

I remember this really cool, really fine Indian (red dot) chick was always in our dorm room flirting with me but I would just be practicing missionred.com. I was putting up high scores at the time and she was just like what the fuck? ok? Hey, come out with us tonight? But, I rarely went out at that time. Warcraft III and music took preference. My roommate drew an MS Paint of me sitting at my computer. It was a running joke among our friends. I wasn't supposed to see the picture. It was sobering to come across it. I mean a lot has changed since then but at the same time how much has really changed?

I should probably just take my medications and get some sleep. I really don't know why I am continuing to live at this moment. Inertia. It's weird to be slightly manic and have suicidal ideations but I wouldn't consider it suicidal ideations just some level of nihilism. There is probably a better word for it than nihilism but I don't know what that would be at this point in time. I probably post these journals publicly as some form of a cry for help or simply attention seeking behavior. I will say I currently don't want to drink or do drugs or go to a strip club or hire an escort or go to a bar seeking the other so that is pretty good. I really REALLY wanted to smoke some Purple Kush when this blog started. Now, I just want to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings. Some coffee. I am meeting a friend tomorrow. I am going to watch over her house and pets when she goes on vacation in March. Maybe a walk on the beach. Oh yeah, I have to negotiate with my insurance provider..... great. Maybe, I will cook some good food for my mom and dad (and myself). Friday, I get to go to the tattoo shop and hang out and discuss my next tattoo which hopefully she can do on Saturday before I go to work again. "Work, work" - Orc Peon. Orc was probably my best race in WC3. I got closest to qualifying for WCG with UD but I beat the most talented users with my O. But, I was a Random User. My NE was also very strong especially mirror matches and my Human was easily my worst race. It's crazy looking back how I went from a broke middling WC3 player in University with no direction to an International Poker Professional in 2 years.

And, all these books later it seems like I am still pretty directionless. I know I really enjoyed coming home from work and eating:

Ingredients:

Fresh (Local) Strawberries, 70% Dark Chocolate, Sea Salt.

Am I still just a simple hedonist after all these years? Straight edge Dionysian?

Shit. That could be the truth. As much as I like Kant I think I always liked Nietzsche more. I don't want to live my time at that Psych Ward in Northwest Indiana again however. That is terrifying. I still think I might have really been in hell and that when I die I could go back there for eternity. At least, for the rest of my life eternal reoccurrence is a cool idea. I am in a pretty good place right now it feels. The F E E L S. That is important. I would like to wake up early and make vegan pancakes for Mexie. Actually, fuck Mexie (yes please)... I am going to make vegan pancakes with Oatley's Oat Milk and 100% magical maple syrup from MA tomorrow for myself and then cry and have my cat take a picture for a so alone meme. No, actually I will probably be in the zone and feelin' good. Who knows? I guess I have a reason to get up tomorrow morning.

Stay Happy Chill House Mix

Stay happy. LOL.

I learned in Psychology 101 (literally) that proximity is the biggest determinant of attraction. So, I either need to move to Toronto or I need to get to know some of these WFM Team Members better. I don't really like the idea of shitting where I eat though. Never have. I could take dance classes. That is one way I enjoy expressing myself that maybe needs to soar. Actually, the guy that I knew personally that slept with the most beautiful women was a professional tango dancer in Buenos Aires. There I go perverting expectations.... Man, who knows? This is probably stuff I should be talking to my psychiatrist about. Maybe, I'll show her my blog...






RiKD    United States. Feb 28 2019 17:26. Posts 8445

Reverie. Thoughts. Fuck bitches. Get money. Get money. Fuck bitches. This was a strong message in my formative years...

I made those pancakes. They were fucking good. The best were the strawberry and chocolate ones. The strawberries were grown 5 min. away and picked ripe. The chocolate was organic fair trade from Peru probably owned by Nestle....... Mexie didn't end up coming downstairs sleepy eyed and smiling.... That's ok. My dad and I were jammin' to some Enya while I was whipping up these Magical Fucking Fluffy Vegan Pancakes. Make sure to use Oatley's. I am not going to link it again but imo it is far and above the best for stuff like oatmeal, pancakes, coffee. It makes 4 pancakes. Ideally, you get a skillet and cook that shit up on like medium-low. Let the pancake cook almost through and flip it. Go for that nice golden look. For me, they came out slightly abstract. They weren't perfect circles but who fucking cares they were delicious.

It's beautiful outside. I am going to go to my friend's farm so I can learn how to take care of it. She has a horse. I want to learn how to ride horses. I want to learn how to break stallions. I want to forge my own samurai sword with damascus steel. I want to know everything. I want to be everywhere. I want to fuck everyone in the world. I want to do something that matters.


devon06atX   Canada. Mar 02 2019 15:50. Posts 5458

Stick with Sativa imo. Indica turns me into a mushroom on the couch


RiKD    United States. Mar 02 2019 16:07. Posts 8445

I like Sativa if I am playing poker or going for a hike in Nature but Indica is for me if I want to turn into a mushroom on the couch before bed (specifically Purple Kush).

This is another one of my favorites:

"Among the most famous strains worldwide is White Widow, a balanced hybrid first bred in the Netherlands by Green House Seeds. A cross between a Brazilian sativa landrace and a resin-heavy South Indian indica, White Widow has blessed every Dutch coffee shop menu since its birth in the 1990s. Its buds are white with crystal resin, warning you of the potent effects to come. A powerful burst of euphoria and energy breaks through immediately, stimulating both conversation and creativity. White Widow’s genetics have given rise to many other legends like White Russian, White Rhino, and Blue Widow. Still, many growers prefer cultivation of the original White Widow, which flowers in about 60 days indoors."

Great for a walk to a coffee shop on a nice day with friends or just sitting around a porch sharing conversation or playing Halo (or poker). Very good for music too.



Mmmmmmmmm.........


RiKD    United States. Mar 02 2019 16:09. Posts 8445

Look at these nugz!:


RiKD    United States. Mar 02 2019 16:13. Posts 8445

Look at these jugz!:



(Lena Paul)

 Last edit: 02/03/2019 16:13

RiKD    United States. Mar 02 2019 16:18. Posts 8445

Free 'em up girl! That's what I would say. That's what Élisée Reclus would say. That's only 2 people but I don't think it's bad company.

I want to start a magazine Nugz and Jugz! or Jugz and Nugz! It would be similar to like a Playboy or a High Times except the articles would be about Anarchy and saving the world. Like everyone here should head over to the Anarchy thread and we can have some discussions.

 Last edit: 02/03/2019 16:57

RiKD    United States. Mar 03 2019 07:00. Posts 8445

I am an Anarchist but do I even want to save the world?

I am a straight edge Dionysian. I may care about the sensual, spontaneous, emotional aspects of human nature more than I care about justice and truth. I don't think that is true. Some of the time it is true.

I have grown to like slowly melting chocolate in a pot and dipping food into it and consuming. Tonight was pretzels and bananas. I had some Jeni's Brown Butter Almond Brittle Ice Cream too and some fromage. It doesn't seem like I can go right eating any food these days. Chocolate industry is fucked, banana industry is fucked, pretzels are probably made by some fucked up corporation, consuming cow products does not coincide with justice or truth for sure. I didn't think about it once when I was dipping the pretzels into the warm chocolate in the pan and going on a sensual food rush.

I had the urge to listen to Burial - Untrue and write a blog. I was thinking that if I wrote a new blog more people might read it but it doesn't really matter at this point as my last two blogs are "spamming" the blog section. So, I'll just spam more blogs in this blog because maybe I don't want to think of a new blog title.

I drank a bunch of caffeine at work today to get through the day and I think I was a bit paranoid. Does anyone else ever get these feelings where you worry that no one likes you? It kind of happened today at work. I was way too self-conscious and it wasn't fun. It seems like I need a HiBall Energy Drink at 4pm and again at 7pm to get through the day. It seems like I am willingly letting this happen.

I get angry when there is no discussion on LiquidPoker. I need friends man. I need friends.

It seems like everyone likes my new tattoo. I actually don't even give a fuck about dudes. The artist did a great job and I am happy with it but I can't lie when women that I am into comment positively on it. When I tell them what it stands for I can sense them getting a little wet but I almost don't want to put thoughts like that down on paper. I feel like there is more pressure when you get a visible snail tattoo. It's polarizing in a way.

Jordan Peterson says to enter into a reverie when you write journals. I mostly liked his take on Mullholland Drive and psychoanalysis. My psychiatrist says in therapy and in journals I must just say precisely what comes to my mind and not think about it or worry about being judged or pleasing people.

I was going to watch I Am Cuba today. I keep putting it off for some reason. I became interested in that film because it is in both Gaspar Noe and Marion Cotillard's top 10 film lists. Those are two of my favorite people in the film industry.

You know it's funny about this tattoo. It's just a tattoo. I haven't done shit... That's not true. I have researched a lot in the past month or so. Porque? No se. Creo que...

I think that I don't know how to live this life and may never understand.

The fact of the matter is I am trapped. The quarter note of time can be maddening. I turn 35 on Tuesday. What happened to 18? I was looking through my yearbook yesterday. Mostly at the girls I wanted to fuck. My first kiss, my first girlfriend, my second girlfriend, etc. My first kiss was with one of the most beautiful girls in school. It was during a game of spin the bottle. My second kiss was with a girl I was dating and I was dared to do it in a truth or dare game. I didn't know how to make out and it was a bad kiss and people laughed at me and she broke up with me soon after. I didn't lost my virginity until I was 23. Here is where I worry about people judging me and the reverie starts to stray.

I told my workmate today casually that I have been thinking that the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because of beauty. A truly beautiful woman was funny and kind in an interaction with my workmate and I joked that I broke her heart because I ran out of the pizza she likes and didn't remake it simply because I didn't feel like it and also because it probably wouldn't be profitable at that point in the day. Wouldn't it be nice to break the heart of a beautiful women rather than it be the other way around?

Anyways, his mind seemed legitimately blown at that thought of beauty being the main reason I get out of bed and asked if I was a prophet. That made me uncomfortable because a part of me wants to believe that I am prophetic in some way. That someone someday will read some of these blog posts and find some gems. I am hesitating to go back and read and edit what I am writing. I kind of bashfully responding that many thinkers have had similar thoughts about beauty and then became more embarrassed as now I have verbalized the thought that I am a thinker in a class of thinkers through out time. I mentioned that one of my favorite writers Dyostoevsky said that "Beauty will save the world." He just kind of looked at me like what the fuck? Who are you? But, I believe that. Beauty will save the world. For many reasons. Symmetry will save the world. Color will save the world. Fucking graphic design might save the world as ugly as that sounds to write out. 6 years ago now I had a manic episode. A very serious one. I thought I was Jesus Christ. I did an entire ad campaign on ecology. Kate Upton was one of my muses. I still have ad campaign in a folder in a filing cabinet with dust on it. I will argue with anyone that that sort of thing wouldn't help the cause. I am still not convinced about how we are going to eliminate hierarchies but then again I am only 1/5th of the way through Murray Bookchin's "The Ecology of Freedom" and I imagine hierchy'less societies is a very long journey indeed.



I need to get away from that topic for now I think. Boards of Canada is great late night chill music. In A Beautiful Place Out In The Country = That is where I wish I could be right now. In front of a campfire with some friends staring at the stars and contemplating life and death.

I found a Nintendo DS. I think it's my brother's but he doesn't want it. I am definitely going to be getting Chrono Trigger to play on the 10+ hr. trip to my sister's in MA. I am such a child. Playing Chrono Trigger as my dad drives most of the way. That's how he likes it. Am I even an adult? I remember talking to a co-worker about not being an adult at 18 but he quickly had to become an adult as he had a child at that age. I am not independent. I don't pay rent. How can I feel good about myself? But, the last thing I want to do is try and scale up my wage slavery to corporations. I am already relatively unhappy with my current situation. I really don't see any improvements available either under the current systems. It feels like I am barely immersed into the corporate chasm. I go down to the first level of corporate hell and try to excavate some capital so I can eat food, and have shelter, and live some semblance of a good life but it's all so banal and undignified. That's not even the precise words I want to use. Capitalism sucks. Working for a corporation is shitty. I am doing a little more than bare minimum so I can survive and hopefully not want to kill myself but I can barely pay for my medical bills and if I think about it I just may want to kill myself.

What happened to 2019: Year of Activism? (It's already fucking March?!)

Well, I seemingly work all the time or don't like most movements. You know if I travelled to Paris I wouldn't give a shit about Gilets jaunes. I'd get lost in the sensual, the spontaneous, the emotional. No way I'd spend a half day protesting if I could wake up to a croissant and coffee, go see Michaelangelo sculptures in the Louvre walk the gardens to La Orangerie and have a meal at Le Deux Magots. Why the fuck would I risk taking a flash bang in the face if I can go see a transcendental Monet exhibit? (Le petit bourgeois Bitch............................... )

I promise I would go to Rojava if it were easier to do so................................................

I would go to Food Not Bombs if I didn't have to work every Sunday.................

I would help Earth-Heart Growers if I could just pick up the phone......................................

But, sitting on the computer researching stuff is comfortable. Or, maybe I just sit here and write stuff. I feel like these blogs actually take up a lot of time.

I want to go to Tokyo damnit! I want to go back to Buenos Aires. Back to Paris. I don't think I had any idea of the opportunities I had when I was playing poker. I don't think I have any idea of the opportunities I have this very day.

*Yawn* I am getting tired. Perhaps I should just take my medications and drift off to sleep. *Yawn* Perhaps, I feel a bit better. Ativan and Infinite Jest is a good combination too. I'm still a drug addict I just do different drugs. It's ok. My psychiatrist said it's ok. Sometimes it feels like my only friends in the world are my cat Sebastian and my imaginary friend the Spectre of David Foster Wallace.


dnagardi   Hungary. Mar 03 2019 18:11. Posts 1776

why arent you starting playing poker again to gain back some financial freedom? not in full time, just a little bit

how did you go broke when you were a high stakes pro?


RiKD    United States. Mar 03 2019 19:27. Posts 8445

Quick answer before going into work:

I live in the U.S.A. I don't have the bankroll. I don't have the savings to move and cover rent living expenses (I would want 6 months living expenses). Bankroll really isn't an excuse. I could get staked by a friend which I would like to avoid or I could just scrape together $2,000 and start at $100 PLO 4 tabling. Actually, scraping together $2,000 for me at this point is easier said than done. I have to replace brakes in April and am behind on medical bills.

Probably, the biggest concern is that poker for me is a shitty means to an end. Even if I enjoy it in small doses if I play the tape back it's like "Oh yeah, that's why I don't play poker anymore."

I didn't actually go broke. I lost my bankroll. I took a long break and started back up at $2/4 PLO. I was the biggest winner in $2/4 that first month back and then at some point I either lost my bankroll again or just stopped playing. It was kind of a combination and I was just done with the whole situation. I remember having enough to play random sunday millions and shit like that and other games b/c my friends were always encouraging me to play instead of getting really high and playing Metal Gear Solid all day. Everyone was telling me I was burning money by not playing but I just didn't feel like playing at all. I went like 2 years or so of just sort of wandering the earth until I found Sartre, Neitszche, Kant, et al. I don't have enough time to go in depth right now. Peace.


RiKD    United States. Mar 04 2019 05:35. Posts 8445

Here I am. Back again. I am almost naked. It is a metaphor for being almost naked in my journaling on here. I could not masturbate to orgasm this morning. It was frustrating. Then I forgot about it. I was stressed from work and wanted to leave the world behind so I figured this time I'll find a more taboo pornography featuring Lena Paul. I think she just about has my ideal female body but I am not sure exactly what that means. I still think I get off more to Sasha Grey or Charlotte Sartre. Anyways, when you want a wank and you have a great wank and you take a shower and take some Ativan life is pretty good. I am listening to Boards of Canada - A Beautiful Place Out In The Country again. I don't want to be up all night toiling over a stupid blog post. It's just what I've found to do in a lot of situations. This one being just winding down before the Ativan kicks in and maybe I'll read a little Infinite Jest and rest my head on the pillow with my cat Sebastion. I would like to talk to my Psychiatrist tomorrow about a lot of the things I mentioned in this blog series but I don't know if I'll remember. I speak with her tomorrow. I don't think I will have the balls to mention that she can read my entire blog library if she wants. I think I have mentioned a fantasy about going to a dive bar and drinking craft beers and getting sexual if it goes that way. At this point I would get sexual with any woman that gets sexual. That is not to put down my Psychiatrist. She is definitely an attractive person. She is an awesome Psychiatrist with the capacity to help me a lot. I need help. I value the relationship with her as my Psychiatrist versus any thoughts of a sexual relationship which honestly don't come up. Now, this feels like some political statement if she does in fact read this blog. Hi, Dr. D. Please help me. Is there anyone out there who can help me? Please help me. Please help me.

I never really disparage my employer on here. Not that I particularly feel like doing that. I do feel that there is something better out there. I think it is about time I explore that more with Dr. D and others.

I just had the thought I should take more Ativans. I will have to tell my sponsor and Dr. D about that one. I want to smoke a blunt and fuck an escort or at least get a lap dance and some breasts in my face. I always wanted to go to Magic City in Atlanta. That was one of my life's goals. It has crossed my mind more and more often recently. I only live about 4 hours away.

Now, I am listening to Boards of Canada - The Campfire Headphase. I suppose that is what I really want. I wish to sit around the campfire with true brothers. I want to climb mountain peaks. I want to take shrooms and hang glide off the moon. The last one was Frank Ocean. I love Frank Ocean. But, not enough to fuck him in the ass or let him fuck me in the ass. Love isn't always about sex. Not everything is always about sex. I think Freud missed the mark on some things. When I picture hips I think of Shakira or Lena Paul not a six pack and a penis. However, I love Frank Ocean's writing, music, and human persona.

It is possible that I am in one of these depression - manic - depression loops. I have had that happen to me in the past to a degree. I don't really feel like killing myself it just feels like there is no point to anything besides maximizing pleasure. It doesn't work so well. I mean I should really know this. I was an extreme Buddhist for at least 4 months. Which means there is no point to anything. Sometimes I look at my statue of the Buddha and I am envious. I thought I really had something with that Buddhist shit and maybe I did. Why did I quit so abruptly? Do I need spirituality in my life? I just don't know. I can't seem to reconcile it with anti-science. Maybe I have just been cursed with a poor disposition towards life. Whatever it is I need help. I need to read a Kate Gompert chapter in Infinite Jest. I should probably be going to sleep anyways so good night all.


RiKD    United States. Mar 05 2019 06:15. Posts 8445

I am listening to :



This may be my last blog post on this website. It may be my last post on this site. I hope it is. It probably won't be but I hope it is. I spoke to my therapist about journaling today and she encouraged me to bring them in. We have hopefully gotten through THE MANIA and can now start to work more on my object relations and the shaving of my ego defenses.

I switched to this:



I don't care what anyone says. I like deadmau5.

I need something to do to unwind so I am writing. In the future it will be in Pages. So, why write on LP tonight? I don't know.

At 10:10 (pm) today I gave myself a 10 out of 10 for the day so far. I think that rating is dropping as I write but I don't know what else to do.

I sure as hell don't feel like studying complexity theory. I don't feel like watching a film. I sure as fucking hell don't want to listen to a Sam Harris podcast. My God. No brutal documentaries please. No YouTube vids that aren't Mexie or ContraPoints (there last 2 vids were good, check them out, I am not going to link them). My next tattoo can't come soon enough. Oh please God I do not want to read about climate change right now or veganism.

My therapist had some interesting things to say today. She believes most great scientists are great scientists because of their somewhat aloof yet powerful curiosity. They are not rabidly seeking answers or The Secret or anything like that but are rather just drawn to whatever by their curiosity like someone with an appreciation for nature meandering, bathing in the forest. She believes that I can have a tendency of seeking or even forcing and the fact is that I am living my life right now. Do I want to live my life always on these wild goose chases for all the answers? Fuck, I don't have all the answers. All this time I've been on this planet studying, researching, observing, investigating, experimenting and sometimes it feels like I have nothing. I want to lay with a red headed wildling woman that tells me I know nothing. I don't even want to get into that nothing is actually real type of nihilism. I want to talk about going out and buying an AK-47 and shooting up a Sharia Law Mosque or maybe to get more absurd a new born baby unit in a hospital. I don't think I will ever do either of these things but what does it matter really? It's all structural determinism anyway. Yet, all of our laws are based in free will. I still think I'm caught up in straight edge Dionysionism so I wouldn't shoot up a hospital because that would lead to pain and suffering. I'd rather drink a sparkling water and cranberry juice, listen to deadmau5 and get lost in my thoughts.

In fact, the song that is currently playing is one of my favorites. I Remember. I remember I was wearing a blue shirt that matched my eyes with a peacock tie. We went to the club in the Hard Rock Cafe. It was a good one. It was my day to pay. I had $5,000 cash on me in hundreds. Bottle service was $2,000. I felt like a baller carrying $5,000 in cash in my pock and I felt like a baller counting out the $2,000 and giving it to the waitress. The tables on either side of us were almost entirely attractive women. Not before too long the (coked up) women at the table next to us basically attacked us. My friend P literally got molested. I remember one of the tables somewhere was having a Bachelorette party. They were the most desirable group in the place so we intermingled. The Bachelorette or one of her friends dared me to give her my underwear. So, I went to the bathroom made sure they smelled good and I gave her my expensive black boxer briefs. My friend K was already with the most attractive one in the group. That's just how he rolled. I am pretty sure he was in all black Prada. I have never worn all black Prada but I reference it on here from time to time because it's a killer. So, I am a bit retarded. My target was the bachelorette. She was gorgeous. My thoughts were literally how killer would it be to pick up a bachelorette? I am retarded because there was another attractive woman in the group who clearly wanted to get fucked that was all over my nuts that I was more or less ignoring (which is a loop that can be capitalized on pretty easily if I pay attention to her correctly at the right moments). Anyways, K is in with Hot Boston at this point. Asian friend wants me to fuck Ygritte or just thinks I'm entertaining and says I must come back to their place. I mean I was very entertaining that night. Not every night but many nights that I get very drunk I can be very entertaining. So, we go back to their place. It's 5 women and K and myself. I was thinking how am I going to sleep with the bachelorette at this point? That is impossible. Plus, Asian friend and I are besties and she would never let that happen. So, time to put the afterburners on Ygritte. I still had this doubt in my mind because she didn't look like Joan from Mad Men or Ygritte or Faye Reagan. I had some weird dysmorphia thing at the time that if a women was not model beautiful I wouldn't fuck with her. As an aside all my friends the next day said I was retarded for not fucking her. K was fucking around with Hot Boston in the other room and at that point I said Fuck It I will win best wingman and just attempt to entertain these 4 women as my friend has sex in the next room. Like, even if my game with Ygritte would have went flawlessly which it went pretty well at that point there was nothing to really be done THAT night. Oh well, it was pretty fun anyway. I texted Ygritte like two days later if they wanted to go to Rehab which I think is also at the Hard Rock and they were content doing planned girly stuff which is understandable. I remember listening to I Remember the next day and recalling the previous night fondly. I remember listening to I Remember tonight and experiencing some nostalgia. It's crazy that was 10 years ago. As another aside: One time P and myself found ourselves in bed with 3 women. That was an interesting one...

A lot of memories flushing in:

- Getting thrown out of the Bellagio

...

Too many.

I am a fucking wildman.

I put the AhAsJsTh at the altar of my skull the other day. I think it is bringing me good luck. I've got 4 oyster shells and 4 basil leaves in my offering plate to the Buddha. This might be the right combination. deadmau5 at midnight. I think I should read some Turgenev. I will read Father and Sons by Ivan Turgenev after my 2nd reading of Infinite Jest. The God of Nihilism and the Spectre of Nabokov have been whispering in my ear. Who is the God of Nihilism? Who cares right? It doesn't matter. There is no point. The Spectre of Basquiat is telling me to stop thinking and do something. Create. Graffiti. *eyes widen* P A I N T. Now, is NOT the FUCKING TIME. I am trying to NOT be MANIC so I can delve into these Object Relations and shave my ego defenses Man!

I feel like I won't be able to talk about my therapist or I feel that I may censor myself in some way if I am writing a private journal that only my therapist will read.

I feel like deadmau5 is only palatable for so long. A lot of these songs in this mix suck.

*yawn* I feel like I am actually legitimately getting tired.



I went to David Guetta instead of deadmau5 at Creamfields Buenos Aires 2008 and I am glad I did. The show was amazing plus Argies love David Guetta and didn't know deadmau5. Even though Random Album Title is my favorite deadmau5 album and I like deadmau5 more than David Guetta I watched the deadmau5 concert on YouTube one time and Mr. Joel Zimmerman was pretty green live at the time.

I just took my Ativan so that should help me wind down. 20 min. is all it should take to sink in and settle in the ole blood stream. A good addict knows all of the intimate details of the drugs they are taking. The key is knowing how to maximize the high. The hell is when there is no high anymore.



Holy shit, I want to kayak in some foresty lagoon.


Today, I am 35. Officially at about 8am. Is that a new demographic? Fucking hell man. I will celebrate by doing bills, running errands, scheduling, and eventually I will get to my favorite restaurant in town. White chefs appropriate Low Country (Slave) Food for high margins and the wealthy elite and bourgeoisie literally eat it up. I am le petit bourgeois bitch. Who are you?

I think I want to just sit here for a little bit. I'm enjoying this song:



This is like my new high. I just write all my thoughts out and then take an Ativan and cruise on into the death of night.

I miss my people in Pittsburgh. It's so weird to just be drifting apart by the day. It's not like I am doing anything to drift closer to anyone. It's rather disappointing.


lebowski   Greece. Mar 06 2019 18:25. Posts 9205

happy birthday!

new shit has come to light... a-and... shit! man... 

Baalim   Mexico. Mar 08 2019 01:30. Posts 34246


  On February 27 2019 18:25 RiKD wrote:
Are women slaves to the unblinking gaze of outlier models and celebrities?

Who are in turn wage slaves to the rich elite and the runaway train that is capitalism?

.



fuck off

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online 

bigredhoss   Cook Islands. Mar 11 2019 18:28. Posts 8646

Was gonna say Shakira @ 42 looks more impressive than Vergara @ 46, but it looks like the Shakira pic is from 2002.

I never really idealized celebrities before but I've pretty much become Shakira fanboy #1 since coming to Colombia.

Truck-Crash Life 

 
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