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RiKD    United States. Jan 16 2019 19:29. Posts 5189
In an attempt to get outside of my reclusiveness I went to a nice restaurant and an orchestral concert on Sunday. I ate a $17 pancake. I would have been happier just making blueberry pancakes at home by myself. I was wearing my favorite boots. They strike me aesthetically. They are pretty shit for walking around a city though. It is like wearing heeled casts. I pretty much only wear minimal running shoes or barefoot shoes and the contrast with the boots was uncomfortable. There is a book called "End of Illness" by David Agus that I read years ago that pretty much sums up the profound relationship between heeled footwear and inflammation. Being at that concert I was in a sea of brown leather shoes. I don't want any part in it. It was 99% white. The other 1% was filled in with Asians and Indians. There was a black guy that helped move the piano on stage. It was similar to a The Who concert I went to in Western, MA. The only black people at the concert were part of security. A lot of suits and collared shirts and ties and brown leather shoes. One thing I've realized is that I didn't have to go to this event. These events are not what I'm striving for. Why am I hung up on going to some cocktail lounge with some gorgeous woman covered in expensive makeup, a small designer cocktail dress, and stilletos? I think the answer is I am not really caught up on that anymore but I still get seduced by Kate Upton. But, just talking to co-workers especially ones who buy vegan slices of pizza they are so much more interesting than the woman in the Mercedes Benz commercial.

I didn't really feel like being in my last therapy session. I mostly just stared at the corner of the door expressionless until prompted to say something. She called me out on it. She also said I didn't have a sense of self and started going into Freud. I think she was relating it to the whole Buddhism thing and that I lost my identity or my ego was punctured or something like that but I don't really agree with that. I didn't really care to bring up Otto Rank or immortality projects at the time. We talked about my depression. She asked if I wanted meds. I said definitely not. I explained that I thought I was just situationally depressed. I am not happy with the state of things in the world. I don't remember how grandiosity was brought up but we talked about it for a while. I mentioned that I have streaks of grandiosity especially in mania. I told her the story about how I wanted to be a progamer and then became a poker player. She said that that isolated story wasn't an example of grandiosity. I told her that when I am manic I want to kill all the billionaires in the world and actually I think about that when I am not manic. Somewhere in this timeline she asks to see me every week. I say no. She asks if I actually planned it out and I say no, I never get further than the fact I don't have the training for something like that. It's not really the right way to go about things I don't think. Then I talked about activism and getting more educated and more involved. Then I started talking about capitalism and corporations and all of the movements I feel strongly about and structural determinism and class conflict and class struggle versus race struggle and I think I was probably talking for a long time. She asked me if I think I am smarter than most people? I said I don't know. She asked me if I think I know more than most people? I said in subjects that I've read a lot about, yes. Oh, I think she also wanted to see me more because I said I had thoughts that either this activism thing would be worthwhile or I'd probably just kill myself. Kind of seems like a lot of the makings of a suicide bomber. I'd rather be a part of a large movement affecting change than just dumbass me blowing up an Exxon building or whatever. I wouldn't even want to do that as it might kill a security guard or something. I don't actually want to murder anyone. We are all human beings with our own determinism. Rehabilitation is a complex subject.

I finally finished "Infinite Jest." I thought it would free up all this time to educate myself on other topics but I've mostly been living in r/infinitejest and re-reading it. I think on most days I'm pretty lonely and "Infinite Jest" soothes that loneliness. It just seems like I am drawn to it over these other options that I have.

I read a lot of disturbing and distressing stuff yesterday.

China's Selfie Obsession was probably in the lead until Loco posted about the French protests. Why in the fuck would someone shoot flash bangs and stun grenades at peoples' faces who are non-violent? I swear these guys have dreams of doing stuff like this and their adrenalin gets pumped up and they are enjoying it. I also noticed that after the first person fired a shot it was always accompanied by a handful more. What the fuck? Also, I think the French people are just more aware due to their history and culture.

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Loco   Canada. Jan 16 2019 20:31. Posts 19498

Good soundtrack to the French protests.



For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken)Last edit: 18/01/2019 01:27

LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Jan 16 2019 22:26. Posts 14692

are you borderline?

NL5 Grinder 4Life 

RiKD    United States. Jan 17 2019 05:00. Posts 5189

No, my diagnosis is Bipolar I, Substance Abuse (in remission), and more recently since I moved to Charleston, SC some level of social anxiety.

Reading up on BPD in the DSM-iV certain things fit but on the whole it doesn't fit. I didn't get close to 5 out of the 9 diagnostic criteria.


LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Jan 17 2019 11:30. Posts 14692

right
my friend has it
and she doesn't have a sense of self seemed similar

Shouldn't matter anyways these labels, you are who you are and that should be your vantage point not necessarily relating to other people


Although with borderline I get you don't have that you in the first place
Pretty ironic since that's what buddhism is all about, zen at least to dissolve the "self" haha

For one person a disorder for other a lifetime aspiration

NL5 Grinder 4Life 

RiKD    United States. Jan 17 2019 19:05. Posts 5189

The thing is I don't have an understanding of what sense of self even means. I have never studied Freud in depth. She has a Doctorate and an interest in these topics and real world experience in psychiatry, therapy, and psychoanalysis. I just have to kind of go with it. It's not outside the realm of possibility that I have BPD but I have known people with BPD and they were much more dramatic in their symptoms.

I think if I just tell someone that I am a wanderer across the planet Earth and life that wishes I was an artist but will settle for activism and that suicide is a thought about option at many points... I don't think I am a pure wanderer though. There is always an aspect of seeking.

Things sometimes feel like they are happening too slow. This is probably a natural thing for me. I get tunnel vision and want results immediately. But, nowadays, I take care of my cats who are both rescues from very bad situations who have blossomed into my little darlings. I tend to a pizza shop and make food for people. It fucking sucks but as far as wage slavery goes it's probably the best situation I've been in. I told my therapist a story about how in middle school and high school I wanted to be an artist but the advanced art teacher in high school was mostly absent working on her own projects and one semester lost most of my artwork and it kind of killed my passion. My parents wanted me to be an engineer or scientist. I still hold these resentments to this day. There weren't any unrealistic dreams of being famous or rich with art. I just thought it would be cool to make a living that way. I still do. More realistically is I continue learning and get more involved in activism. Just go wherever I am drawn to or where I can be the most useful. It doesn't mean I can't express myself through art. I have some ideas. I have a pair of white jeans that I've never worn. I thought it would be Cool to get a pair of white jeans that I could wear with a white t-shirt and trendy white sneakers. Basically, duped by Fashion. I have all sorts of painting supplies just sitting in the garage that haven't been touched for 2 years since an artist friend of mine was teaching me how to paint Monets in his garage. Since both white jeans and painting supplies are just sitting there taking up space why not go nuts and have some fun? I also want to buy oversize white sweatshirts and draw inspirational figures on the front and give them to people as gifts. I also long for the tribe that I had in Pittsburgh. I think getting more involved with activism may help with that. Maybe it won't. Who knows?


Loco   Canada. Jan 18 2019 01:24. Posts 19498

It means that people can exert a strong influence on your thoughts and behaviours and you can't do anything about it. Borderlines are often considered chameleons because they constantly change the mask that they wear to fit the person they are interested in. They have to -- they have no personality on their own since they are severely emotionally stunted. If they're ever alone, they find an inner emptiness they can't bear -- an endless pit of despair. Of course, you're not that dramatic. But yeah, the way you present yourself, constantly talk about clothing and shift topics does suggest a certain instability. She was probably trying to find out if you had ever really committed yourself to the ideas and interests you presented and decided that you hadn't. "Habits of non-performance" are linked to an unstable sense of self.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Jan 18 2019 17:16. Posts 5189


  On January 16 2019 19:31 Loco wrote:
Good soundtrack to the French protests.






I listened to this album from the start the other night when I was driving home from work. It just sounded like noise to me and the guy's vocals were weird. I liked "The Reason They Hate Me" from first listen though. Since listening some more I have realized there is some more intricate and clever stuff going on than I originally gave them credit for and I like the vocalist's voice now. So, who isn't "Going to get what they want" in the French protests scenario? I have a yellow jacket in the garage. Everything worthwhile seems to be in the garage.

Last night I went to YouTube to watch Mexie and sometimes I get caught up scrolling through the front page of YouTube to make myself depressed. This video by Cardi B caught my eye:



Now, I had recognized the name of Cardi B by association of some other rappers that I was aware of. I had never heard one of her songs. I clicked on it because she had an Anarchist A patch on the the chest of her dress. What I found within was of course anything but. 700+ million viewers and it reached #1 on the Billboard charts. This is the education (control) our younger people are receiving. How can I (we) compete with Cardi B?

I had to watch 3 Mexie vids to make up for watching that poison.


RiKD    United States. Jan 18 2019 17:51. Posts 5189

My therapist asked me what I was proud of?

The first thing that came to mind was being captain of my high school lacrosse team. Maybe traveling around and playing poker at that time but that was in the past and that I do my best not to feel pride. I think it is a negative. Of course, I still experience pride. If I make a great pizza at work on some level I am proud. I have some pride in finishing Infinite Jest even though I didn't find it all that challenging. It's just long. I suppose I take more pride in reading Joyce or Being and Nothingness by Sartre. Although, I don't find Joyce particularly that challenging either. Being and Nothingness could be challenging with the terminology and density of the literal tome that it is. It all seems so silly though. I am just who I am because that is the way it turned out.

I don't want to kill any police officers or security guards or military personnel. I have been a security guard. I almost signed up for the military when I was my most desperate. We are all in similar boats. What I really want to do is be a part of a Navy Seal calibre team to go and capture billionaires in their homes and take them to our own personal "Guantanamo Bay."


Baalim   Mexico. Jan 19 2019 02:26. Posts 32425


  On January 18 2019 16:51 RiKD wrote:
What I really want to do is be a part of a Navy Seal calibre team to go and capture billionaires in their homes and take them to our own personal "Guantanamo Bay."





No room for crazies in paradise, off to the gulag! lol

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online 

Loco   Canada. Jan 19 2019 02:57. Posts 19498


  On January 18 2019 16:16 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



I listened to this album from the start the other night when I was driving home from work. It just sounded like noise to me and the guy's vocals were weird. I liked "The Reason They Hate Me" from first listen though. Since listening some more I have realized there is some more intricate and clever stuff going on than I originally gave them credit for and I like the vocalist's voice now.



  So, who isn't "Going to get what they want" in the French protests scenario?



It's not really driving music, especially not for you lol. It's an outlet when you are angry or depressed, best where you can afford to expend some energy. It's some of the darkest and angriest music I've ever heard. As with most good music, it takes a while to get into it and the mood has to be right. I was reading on the police brutality while listening to "satan in the wait" when I posted it and with the alarm-sounding stuff it was so fitting. Also bought tickets to see them in a couple months.

I'm not even going to bother with Cardi B. Glad I don't know her. The Anarchist symbol has been hijacked a long time ago and the philosophy has been smeared in all popular media.

The French protesters will not get what they want most. They got a little and they will likely get a little bit more if they keep making noise, but the elites will do what they always do and there isn't quite a critical mass to stop it. We've entered a period of massive regressions and it will worsen significantly in the next few years, but hopefully these consistent efforts will help wake more people up to better prepare for them.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken)Last edit: 19/01/2019 02:57

RiKD    United States. Jan 19 2019 15:37. Posts 5189


  On January 19 2019 01:26 Baalim wrote:
Show nested quote +





No room for crazies in paradise, off to the gulag! lol


I am still figuring out what I really want to do and what is realistic.

I was reminded of this film last night. I was going to watch it at Camp with some friends where we were a bunch of manly men off the grid that ate giant omelettes, lots of bacon with every meal, 20+ oz ribeyes and spent our days fishing, moving huge kettlebells around, shooting a variety of weapons at his homemade gun range, building absurd fires, setting things on fire absurdly, smoking Cuban cigars but also doing things like watching Independent Film, reading and discussing Thomas Merton, and looking at the stars. Those were some pretty good days.

I'm actually pretty good with guns. I had a lot of training playing CounterStrike and then live training with good coaches. Shooting with (former) military personnel and professionals though I realize that that is a whole 'nother level. It's like the guy that goes down to the casino and can beat the deep stacked 1/3 game versus anyone immersed in solvers and playing 2/5+ online for a living. If I go the violent route by myself I am going to get killed. If we can get enough people organized and trained and get some decent enough weaponry and strategy it might get interesting but I am not convinced that that is the way to go. On most days I'm Martin Luther King Jr. but my Che has a tendency to flare up.

So, I would have been thrown in the gulags in Soviet Russia. Ok. It's pretty clear that system was not very good. There is no such thing as paradise. Well, maybe that one time at a secluded beach in Malta but that was rather ephemeral and not repeatable.


RiKD    United States. Jan 19 2019 16:06. Posts 5189


  On January 19 2019 01:57 Loco wrote:
Show nested quote +




  So, who isn't "Going to get what they want" in the French protests scenario?



It's not really driving music, especially not for you lol. It's an outlet when you are angry or depressed, best where you can afford to expend some energy. It's some of the darkest and angriest music I've ever heard. As with most good music, it takes a while to get into it and the mood has to be right. I was reading on the police brutality while listening to "satan in the wait" when I posted it and with the alarm-sounding stuff it was so fitting. Also bought tickets to see them in a couple months.

I'm not even going to bother with Cardi B. Glad I don't know her. The Anarchist symbol has been hijacked a long time ago and the philosophy has been smeared in all popular media.

The French protesters will not get what they want most. They got a little and they will likely get a little bit more if they keep making noise, but the elites will do what they always do and there isn't quite a critical mass to stop it. We've entered a period of massive regressions and it will worsen significantly in the next few years, but hopefully these consistent efforts will help wake more people up to better prepare for them.



rofl. I'm pretty restrained on the road these days. I drive like a self-driving car would. I was never a road rager. In fact, I can't think of one instance of even moderate road rage in my life. I was a big time speeder, reckless driver, and drunk driver though. I think if I would have had rally as an outlet I wouldn't have speeded or driven recklessly. I still would have driven drunk. There was a period in my life that anytime I left the house to do something social I would inevitably drive drunk. I never had a car when I was in college or when I played poker. I could walk to all the bars and restaurants in one city I lived in when my drinking was bad. When I lived near Chicago it was really bad. We would create a train going from least drunk to most drunk. Oh my god it was bad. Or, I would go the back routes where X's brother was the on duty police officer. Eventually, I just didn't give a fuck and would stop into fast food establishments on main roads in a brown out.

Yeah man, I was listening yesterday reading disturbing shit and it took it to another level.

Fuck Cardi B. I would fuck her in the ass and pull her hair and........ Those fucking marketers know how to trigger something. I am not immune... yet. I watch a Mexie vid and am like "Oh yeah, this is who I should be attracted to."


Baalim   Mexico. Jan 20 2019 02:36. Posts 32425


  On January 19 2019 14:37 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



I am still figuring out what I really want to do and what is realistic.

I was reminded of this film last night. I was going to watch it at Camp with some friends where we were a bunch of manly men off the grid that ate giant omelettes, lots of bacon with every meal, 20+ oz ribeyes and spent our days fishing, moving huge kettlebells around, shooting a variety of weapons at his homemade gun range, building absurd fires, setting things on fire absurdly, smoking Cuban cigars but also doing things like watching Independent Film, reading and discussing Thomas Merton, and looking at the stars. Those were some pretty good days.

I'm actually pretty good with guns. I had a lot of training playing CounterStrike and then live training with good coaches. Shooting with (former) military personnel and professionals though I realize that that is a whole 'nother level. It's like the guy that goes down to the casino and can beat the deep stacked 1/3 game versus anyone immersed in solvers and playing 2/5+ online for a living. If I go the violent route by myself I am going to get killed. If we can get enough people organized and trained and get some decent enough weaponry and strategy it might get interesting but I am not convinced that that is the way to go. On most days I'm Martin Luther King Jr. but my Che has a tendency to flare up.

So, I would have been thrown in the gulags in Soviet Russia. Ok. It's pretty clear that system was not very good. There is no such thing as paradise. Well, maybe that one time at a secluded beach in Malta but that was rather ephemeral and not repeatable.



I empathize with your fantasy, I also thought about that when I was younger about people who I deemed evil (mostly corrupt politicians).

But It's not healthy, it's just boiling resentment that wont make you happy and thats the stuff that creates Breiviks in this world.

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online 

 



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