RiKD   United States. Dec 27 2018 23:21. Posts 5124
I'm survivin', man, I'm survivin'. Just did my bills and it looks ok. Car insurance and doctor visits and blood work are expensive though. I was getting over depression and caught a really bad cold I'm still fending off and I'm still depressed but things are looking up. I don't know why. Maybe, that is just my personality. I love the springtime and we are getting closer to that but I am getting older so what do we do with that?
I love my barber because she is a friend of mine and we talk about really dark shit while everyone else is talking about Christmas and the NFL games over the weekend.
There is something about Christmas though. It threw me into new ways of living. My sister came into town and we were always doing stuff. Making pancakes, eating brunch, going to oyster roasts. It was nice to have someone to talk to and joke around with that weren't my parents. I go back to work yesterday and it is like, "oh yeah, back to the grind," but I don't want it to be that way and I don't think it necessarily has to be that way. There is a sort of hollowness that I experience in relation to Christmas but then an even more pronounced hollowness following Christmas. Maybe I just feel hollow a lot. Maybe that's just the way things are going to go.
RiKD   United States. Dec 28 2018 17:05. Posts 5124
"It wasn’t till I started reading different [kinds of] literature that they didn’t give me in school, and I started listening to different music, and started reading about different artists and what motivated them, [that I realized] I’m not weird, I’m not different, there’s nothing wrong with me. I said, “Wow, these people speak to me and I don’t feel alone.” I wish I could’ve found some of those artists when I was like 12 or 13."
You'll never guess who said that but it relates to me a lot.
k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 29 2018 07:31. Posts 3443
Barbers make good discount therapists. Aha. I talk to mine all the time about personal things. He wants to leave his wife once his kids reach adulthood. And somehow he communicated that to her, and she agreed..
Sounds like you have good family. Cherish that. Some of us are almost entirely alone for the holidays. Seems like your family is keeping much of the hollowness at bay. Good company is the cure to hollowness, temporarily anyhow. But if you build your life around maintaining good company then maybe the hollowness will be filled. I know for me good company was key. I hope to find a woman's warmth again, stumble upon a few good friendships, and eventually have colleagues who make the routine a little more bearable.
I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -Oly
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken)
RiKD   United States. Jan 01 2019 01:41. Posts 5124
Just sitting here listening to some Nujabes doing some soul searching:
I didn't even realize it was New Year's Eve today until very recently. I'll be spending it with my cats.
Never been a big Nas fan. I know, I know, there is Illmatic but it just doesn't really do it for me. How do you intend on finding a woman's warmth? Friendship? I am mostly apathetic and/or depressed at this point. I am doing virtually nothing to meet people at this point and am not really doing anything in general to "further my life." The ladder is not true but it doesn't feel like I do anything. It feels like I am programmed to do a great job at work, read, cook, and take online courses. Those things bring me joy but I don't think it's the kind of joy that most people think of as "happiness." I don't believe in "happiness."
Now THAT is a joy ride. How the f did he do a barrel roll in that thing? "Welp, I've played some video games... I think I'm going to do a barrel roll." Sad ending. Helluva way to commit suicide that's for sure.
I could go to one of the AA NYE parties but I just feel like that would be miserable. I am at a point where I think any contact with AA would be a step in the wrong direction even if it would quell my loneliness.
Counting Stars @ 49:37 is one of my favorites.
I don't really know what to say. I was hoping writing a blog would change the way I feel or I'd come to some realization or I would at least pass some time. The ladder is true. It all seems like a waste or a coping mechanism in this specific piece of time. We have definitely been through this one before. I'll probably just read and then go to bed and hope the fireworks don't wake me up. The city I am in is nuts on fireworks. My boss was all excited about his fireworks today and he was trying to share his exuberance with me and I was showing indifference and it had a bunch of people cracking up. Everyone was like "how can you not like fireworks???" and I was like the sound is kind of cool and they look enchanting enough but overall they are mundane and tedious. "But, I've got really loud and big ones!".........................
I just got a call from my sister and brother-in-law. That was nice. They have been married 2 years but because of that fucker Trump there was a run on visas and it took my brother-in-law (N. Ireland) 2 years to get one. He is finally here!!!
I am not really sure if realizations are to be had in blogs on LP but it has happened before. It is like there is always a chance. Oh well, I'm done.... for now..... smh... fml...
RiKD   United States. Jan 01 2019 18:17. Posts 5124
Listening to some more Nujabes. I slept for 15 hours last night. Was no where close to watching the ball drop. Who the fuck would want to be out in Times Square in Dec/Jan trapped amongst all those people? Just thinking about it and the hosts of these tv programs and the discourse brings me to nausea.
I don't know why people write like mini-eulogies in the comments section of Nujabes YouTube videos. I think it's a bunch of highschool and college kids mostly. I don't know why I'm reading YouTube comments anyway.
I was taking a shit today and realized my mom has a Christmas soap dispenser and Christmas towels. I'm glad Christmas is over. Fucking bullshit.
Our generation is such a weird one. We aren't nearly as bad as the baby boomers. Fuck those people. But, our culture/society is spiraling out of control.
I really enjoyed Samurai Champloo. Nujabes did the soundtrack. Maybe it's time to get another anime in my life. Just watch anime and ignore everything that is going wrong with society, politics, and economics.