Where is this going to go?

not sure if you're fixating too much on the past or on the belief that some chick will help you get over the endless thoughts in your head, but from my experience neither will help... well the latter can for some moments which still counts i guess but its not really a solution

True.

I am a crazy, self-centered alcoholic that just wants to purge this shit. I'm looking for catharsis more than anything. I just want to be liberated.

I fell in love with Stephanie at first sight. Then she was cool and flirtations were fun even though she was an on the clock wage slave. I mean I realized all of this. I felt like if I just had that beauty in my life nothing could go wrong.

With the baaaad black girl her and a friend had just run a 5k so had the post run glow and were doing yoga moves in yoga pants in my friend's apartment. I thought I was walking into a porn or something. That's actually not the first time I met her. The first time I met her we were out bar hopping for St. Patty's Day but I was on fire and there was such an influx of attractive women that I didn't particularly notice her. I mean I did but there was drama with one of the other dudes there so it was on to the next one that night. We didn't even really date to be honest. It was hard to keep things going an hour away in rehab.

M. I got that dopamine rush the first time I saw her. She was late to a meeting and I let her in and we had one of those eye contacts. I don't even want to go in what happened at the moment. I think i have before. She is the muse to my fuck to NIN "Closer" in a church fantasy. I told her about it one day. She was like "No, Rich, you can't just say Hi M let's fuck to NIN "Closer" in a church. We have to work towards that. You have to warm me up." Yeah, very true, she's definitely right. I was pretty fucking manic at the time.

The truth is I haven't had sex a whole lot in my life. I think that makes me insecure about it all. Even the dating and the relationships. All of it. It's probably pretty clear to see from my blogs. I think that is an insight here. I haven't had a lot of sex in my life. My desire is to have more sex in my life. It's been a big topic for a while. Of course, it's naturally a topic. But, I think you are right Spitfire in that it won't help with the thoughts in the head, or the feelings. The thing is i have been here before where I thought sex was the solution but then I had sex and it wasn't the solution whatsoever. It didn't matter. Hell, it might have been worse off. But, then I get these feelings that if I just had that woman in my life everything would be better. Like I could just take a woman's beauty and start stuffing it in the void like if I was stuffing plato into some cylindrical ceramics piece. I do have the belief that a girlfriend would make my life better but I am in no position for that to even work right now and I think that makes me frustrated. Not just sexually frustrated but just frustrated. Frustrated like not having great friends local. Frustrated like not having my life sorted. Frustrated like not having not-unpleasant occupation. You know, just frustrated.

I think that is part of it too. I get desires like anyone else. One difference is I am an addict. So, I think a woman's vagina is going to save me. Just like I thought alcohol was my liberation (and it was and it wasn't). I am not a guy that should just be following his desires. But, what does that leave me with? I don't know. Art and helping people is the only thing i have found to overcome. Maybe I'll go take a hike with Hemmingway.

But, I don't ever think my life will be "sorted." The buddhists write a lot of good stuff on that. I really like a lot of the buddhists but something about Buddhism on the whole doesn't make me want to be Buddhist.

Have you considered writing a book ? :D

I've actually written parts of novels, novellas, and short stories. I thought it was all shit so I didn't continue writing. I compare myself to Nabokov, Amis, Joyce and it's all just shit. Although I really should continue to work on it. It is therapeutic for me and using the imagination is maybe the best drug on the planet.

I don't write as much poetry as I used to but I am going to Maine next week for vacation so plan to fill up a notebook. It's like being in that atmosphere really inspires me. The beauty is immense. Poetry comes a lot easier and more natural to me than writing a fictional story.

I don't know if it makes a difference but I had a really bad English education. I was on the honors track which would have been good but I didn't do the summer reading so they kicked me out. The regular English courses were kind of shit. Actually, junior year the teacher was great. Pretty much all of my English knowledge is self learned and I didn't fall in love with it until much later in life. So, I look at a guy like Nabokov who speaks at least 4 languages... He can read "Ulysses" in English, "Anna Karenina" in Russian, "Madame Bovary" in French, "Metamorphis" in German, is a prolific reader from age 10, studies English at Oxford, and I am like fuck why even bother? Amis is the same. I kind of relate with Joyce since he is just kind of a crazy fuck like me that had to get some expression out.

I have one small tidbit of advice if you would have it: try not to compare yourself to others, as it will inevitably lead to insecurity and negativity (pretty easy to see that no matter what you do, there's always someone better, and if there really isn't and you are the best at that particular thing, you can still be doing it better). Thus, imo, it's the wrong way to look at things (comparing your writing to great writers, or your poker success to the top few percentile that really made it, for example). Not everything in life is a competition versus others (this took me a REALLY long time to adopt into my thinking, my competitive nature is what drove me for the majority of my life, it's how I used to look at everything).

Instead, try to be better than the "You" you were yesterday, and improve bit by bit. This tends to work because you can always be setting small goals that you achieve bit by bit, and sometimes you don't even notice how much you have improved unless you look way back.

Personal example: I've taken up social dancing (salsa and bachata to be precise) little more than a year ago. I've always hated, feared dancing, I was way too anxious (no amount of alcohol could make me relax, I also fear losing control of myself more than anything). The only thing going for me is my sense of rhytm, which is pretty okay. Yet I've improved and learned so much about things, routines and choreographies that I wouldn't have thought possible...even expert dancers tend to consider me a "good dance" now, despite my relative inexperience. This is the healthy outlet I've been searching for all my life it seems (hopefully it will stay that way for the foreseeable future).

Eh, this got pretty long-winded from a planned short response.

One last thing: I think, to some extent I have a general idea about how you are in your life. Actively searching and finding a healthy outlet like dancing to me is something that could improve your day-to-day life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine. I suggest actively trying out new stuff, and hopefully one day you can experience the same thing I did with this whole thing. Best of luck to you with that.

On June 08 2018 00:47 Naib wrote: I have one small tidbit of advice if you would have it: try not to compare yourself to others, as it will inevitably lead to insecurity and negativity (pretty easy to see that no matter what you do, there's always someone better, and if there really isn't and you are the best at that particular thing, you can still be doing it better). Thus, imo, it's the wrong way to look at things (comparing your writing to great writers, or your poker success to the top few percentile that really made it, for example). Not everything in life is a competition versus others (this took me a REALLY long time to adopt into my thinking, my competitive nature is what drove me for the majority of my life, it's how I used to look at everything). Instead, try to be better than the "You" you were yesterday, and improve bit by bit. This tends to work because you can always be setting small goals that you achieve bit by bit, and sometimes you don't even notice how much you have improved unless you look way back. Personal example: I've taken up social dancing (salsa and bachata to be precise) little more than a year ago. I've always hated, feared dancing, I was way too anxious (no amount of alcohol could make me relax, I also fear losing control of myself more than anything). The only thing going for me is my sense of rhytm, which is pretty okay. Yet I've improved and learned so much about things, routines and choreographies that I wouldn't have thought possible...even expert dancers tend to consider me a "good dance" now, despite my relative inexperience. This is the healthy outlet I've been searching for all my life it seems (hopefully it will stay that way for the foreseeable future). Eh, this got pretty long-winded from a planned short response. One last thing: I think, to some extent I have a general idea about how you are in your life. Actively searching and finding a healthy outlet like dancing to me is something that could improve your day-to-day life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine. I suggest actively trying out new stuff, and hopefully one day you can experience the same thing I did with this whole thing. Best of luck to you with that.

I have decided that I am not a fan of this obsession with continual improvement. This hyper efficiency loop.

It's something with writing and me. When I paint I don't care if it's not a Monet, Klimpt, or Dali. I have my own style and I'm pretty good and I don't care. When it comes to writing I learned from Nabokov so I compare to Nabokov. But, I don't want to write like Nabokov I want to write like me. Actually, in my imagination a lot of the stories that come to me are really bat shit like sci fi type of stories but I don't want to run with that. I mean really, writing fictional stories is actually incredibly difficult. I can write a brilliant two paragraphs.... then what? How do I mix that with a few good paragraphs I wrote about like three quarters into the story. How do I bridge that? Oh, I have to write a few pages of good stuff. Then a few pages more and just continue doing that until I hopefully have some semblance of a good story. Like, I could write you a non-fiction short story of the time my flight came in late from Argentina once into Chicago when I was trying to get to Milwaukee but it's actually a lot more difficult to write a fictional story about a time my flight came in late to say Boston and I was headed to Portsmouth, NH. Maybe I'll try that just for shits because I'll be in that area next week and have a lot of memories there. You think about it like how do I even create a character. I could just reduce some parts of me and rebuild? Reduce some parts of others and rebuild. I'd almost rather take the Argentina to Milwaukee story and turn it fiction. I could talk about literature all day but I'll stop.

That is awesome on finding dance. I have thought about that in the past. I would like to do interpretive dance or Buenos Aires tango or both. I love to dance actually but rarely express myself through dance unless I am by myself. If I'm dancing it is always spontaneous and like short'ish bursts of expression. Usually at weddings or wherever really. Hmmm, I took a shower and don't even remember what I have written or what the post was about. Whoops. I already wrote some stuff I might as well click post.