I can't really tell you how I "made it" in the material world. I thought I had on multiple occasions but I was so so wrong.
My mental breakdowns were breakthroughs. Capitalism and corporations sent me through the levels of hell. I was talking to a friend last night who has the same bipolar as me and is also alcoholic. He talked about the lightest light is next to the darkest dark and vice versa. My friend is a painter. He got that idea from Caravaggio:
You can see the use of the darkness and light. But, I guess talking about bipolar isn't relevant to most but I think that quote still stands true. The lightest light is next to the darkest dark. The darkest dark is next to the lightest light.
Bachuss!
Supper at Emmaus:
Giorgio Morandi. The simplicity, subtlety, and color palette enraptures me:
Giorgio De Cherico:
Phillip Guston:
William Turner:
I am a curator of art! It brought me transcendence. Hopefully, it brings some transcendence for ya'll.
I am going to talk about bivalves and beans again. Imagine a world where bivalves and beans are subsidized instead of torturing and murdering a countless number of cows, chickens, and pigs? (56 billion/yr)
I am talking about the future. I am concerned about the future. I am in the NOW.
I'll take you guys on a modified trip to L'Orangerie in Paris.
The Kiss:
Monet:
Renoir (I have this hanging up in my room):
Picasso:
Mary Cassat (this is hanging downstairs):
I have a Monet, Basquiat, and Renoir hanging in my room (not originals obv) I also have an uncut deck of cards hanging up. Now, it feels like I am just practicing mindfulness looking around my room and identifying what is hanging up.
Maybe only people with hyper open-mindedness like me will appreciate the artwork. I could be happy for days and days reading and discussing philosophy and art. Chomsky bores me sometimes but "Profit over People" is a great little book. I get real fired up when he starts talking about what happened in all those Latin American countries, including Mexico. It is pretty clear that the system is set up to benefit the rich elite. To allow the rich elite to acquire more profit and power. To fool the middle class. To take advantage of their selfish desires. Utility wise there is not that much difference for the individual between $63,000 and $70,000, $90,000 and $100,000, $450,000 and $500,000, $9 billion and $10 billion but collectively that money could make MASSIVE differences for the people suffering the most.
I would rather be at peace than happy. Happiness is a drug that I always want more of. When I am truly at peace I don't have any wants or desires.
Happiness will always fade. It feels great when the candle is burning brightly but it will inevitably fade into a flicker. Hopefully, that flicker coincides with sleep. It doesn't always. Living life when it seems like the light is out is most difficult. It may be a bit fun to sit in it and listen to those certain songs that bring a masochistic joy but when one is seriously considering ways to commit suicide help is needed. For most, life doesn't have to be so dark. Go to a butterfly park or an art museum or listen to some Daft Punk. Drink caffeine and go train. Read Edgar Morin. Read novels. I'm rambling.........................
I may never again reach that high of coming home from the clubs in Buenos Aires blackout drunk, smoking a bunch of basically bad weed but if you smoked enough of it you'd get super high and then just lying on the couch listening to Daft Punk. It was like I was elevated to a 4th dimension. Borracio, verde y Daft Punk. Por supuesto. En serio, bro.
I was going to share what I thought about poker these days. Or, suggestions to the new players. ...
I will say this. I am extremely selfish and self-centered and back when I was playing I was hyper-selfish and self-centered. There is a factor of the game that is incredibly stimulating. Sometimes that goes away. Sometimes that comes back. I mean poker is one of the most fascinating strategy games that exists on this earth. I have toyed around with just playing again so I can play around with a solver. Here is the catch though. Even though I was a hyper-selfish and self-centered person there was always a time where the truth emerged and a hollowness set in. I was exploiting and manipulating people to making a living. Many times it is not even this stimulating battle between worthwhile adversaries but rather just getting the jesus seat on some guy that doesn't know how to play. I guess it is always a bit of both for most. Some like isildur1 seem to go the route of stimulating battle 100% of the time and there were handfuls of guys that excelled at bumhunting. "Bumhunting." I believe that many of these guys have serious gambling problems (the bums not the nits). "But, if their dope man stops selling dope they'll just get it from the next guy." That's true. I am trying to think of what is analogous to giving out clean needles. At least the top dogs in the group will never kill a fish. Not out of any sort of compassion but if the fish dies the good games die.
I don't know. That may be all I have to write. I will just say it is hard to be a top dog for any amount of time. It doesn't even really happen over 5 year spans. 10 years later I don't recognize 1 person in the Stars 200/400 NL and it's hard to be a grinder. It's smart to be a guy like Gogol's Nose. Make $500k and then put it into land out in Montana. I wonder what he is doing now? That is a guy I definitely had those stimulating battles with. The guys that started holding money in Bitcoin.
But, it's not all about the material and consuming. The main guy over at currentaffairs.org took $34,000 for his salary. That is enough to live comfortably and he gets to write articles all day exposing the truth regarding the world we live in. I made $10k last year but I'm doing alright. I think most people would fear living as simply as I do. 2013 me would be repulsed. It's really not all that bad. I have a clear conscious and serene soul.
I guess that is what I would say. I believe that one of the secrets of life is helping people and not getting caught. Not looking for validation. Not looking for validation in the form of money, adulation, whatever. Finding the joy and beauty in life. When I see a black swallow tail butterfly fluttering about I become excited. The world seems magical to me. I only really get that feeling when I am in nature.
Black Swallowtail:
My favorite flower in my mom's garden: Magenta petunias:
These were all over the woods in my backyard as a kid: Wild violets:
Now, I am hungry. One desire I must fulfill. Although, in reality I could go about a month with out eating. I am sculpting to the aesthetics of the Greeks, Michelangelo and Rodin though. Chick pea curry again! I will take that over chicken, rice, and steamed broccoli any day.
As I browse Pornhub it is amazing to me how popular step-sister videos, aunt videos, step-mom videos, and even mom videos are. I suppose Freud was right. Maybe I have those desires repressed in me somewhere but I would rather fuck a Tinder chick. Taboo is hot though. One of my big fantasies is fucking some goth type chick in a church to NIN "Closer." I think we've been through that one before.
I bring it up because I am scrolling through. "Naughty sex with step mom," "Girlfriend comes home to boyfriend fucking step-sister," and I find one with a big breasted red-head. I like red-heads. I like big breasts. I click on it. I am kind of forwarding through and then another red head comes into the picture and I am like cool. Then "I" am fucking this big breasted red head and the other red head tells me to "cum in your aunt" and I am like whaaaaa???? So, she keeps telling me to shoot my seed into my aunt who is trying to get pregnant and you know what? I don't switch porns at this point I fucking do it. I shoot my load into my aunt's vagina. If she were my aunt maybe I would have those thoughts. Who knows? Pretty good orgasm. Then I go downstairs and eat some edamame salad, broccoli, and some triscuts with almond butter. Now, I am here. I am here now. Then I ponder on that for a little bit. And, then I think about clicking Submit post. I am surely a self-centered fuck that should find better things to do than to blog about my last wank. I just think the pornsites know us like Freud knew us like Bernays knew us. Is there no escape? I am no monk that is for sure but that could be a copout. Surely we as a consciousness can say no to the corporations and the government?
Remember when I fell in love with those boots? Well, I didn't buy them. I don't want them anymore.
Self-centered cravings are like mosquitos. They buzz around for a while and then they are gone. I can't say I won't want or covet certain products. It just may happen. They may get me with something. If I focus on the breath for a while, or speak with a friend it will pass.
I still get GQ. The most recent magazine was all about how the hippie culture has won against the right-wing conservatives. They didn't actually spend any time on supporting that claim with evidence but rather spent all their time selling "natural" and "cool" products. I mean pages and pages worth. It was half the magazine. Veganism as a cool, trend is bound to fail. The capitalists will get what they want out of it and then move on with the status quo.
There is a marketing term called segmentation. There are different segments of customers. Well, GQ has their segment NAILED. Some poor sap is going to buy everything advertised in there. He'll grow his hair out long, let the beard grow in, buy 1 of each of the products that are being sold. Let's end the slavery! Let's end the mind control! I triumphantly slam dunked the GQ into the trash. I have to say I did like the hemp t-shirts but not for $95. There was a Patagonia jacket I liked as well. I am partial to Patagonia and they still have some hold over me.
Tonight, I had some corn chips with some fresh made guacamole, BOMB edamame succotash, sweet potatoes, and a few handfuls of blueberries. That is the future. I am just sharing to let everyone know out there that a vegan diet doesn't have to be boring or shitty. I am on a diet too! Guacamole took less than 10 min. The edamame succotash was prepared from Whole Foods, Sweet potato you cut them however you want and bake them for like 30 min. Blueberries just wash and grab handfuls. Easy game.
Back 2 back. I like this one too but I don't think anyone would understand it. It's how my brain works when I am manic.
Basically, there may be therapies in 10-15 years that drastically increase life expectancy. On the other hand we are headed closer and closer to midnight with the dangers of nuclear war and climate change. Fuckers like Rupert Murdoch already know about this and are buying up future prime real estate in Estonia (tax purposes too) and then spreading bullshit propaganda on his media outlets.
I realize it is kind of ridiculous to post your own tweets and provide commentary. That is quite a self-obsessed thing to do. Well, I am aware of it now. I thought it might be something to do.
Once opened, if the Table of Contents isn't showing, click on the blue hand with the pointing finger on the left task bar. In the Table of Contents, click on the chapter "Burnout Society" (the last one). Read it. It's a fairly short read.
(You can also send the book to your Kindle for free with the main program, by plugging in your Kindle or setting up your Kindle email in the settings, which is a bit more advanced)
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
This guys is pretty much nailing it. Scary nailing it. Narcissism, depression, achievement-subject, self-exploitation, burnout, depression, self-destruction, capitalism.
That had me thinking about thinks in a new way.
In Anaressti they do not say thank you when someone shares. I think I like that practice.
To be honest, I am not sure what the conclusions should be. I don't know how I overcome my narcissistic self-repeating. I have never had a strong self image. I don't really know how to overcome that. A self-exploiting achievement-subject is pretty much my go to when I am receiving income.
I don't think we all want to be Nietzsche. Maybe we should as he describes it:
The "strong soul" keeps "calm," "moves slowly," and "has an aversion to what's too lively." That's more or less how I live these days. I used to love the action of the steel mills but I couldn't bear myself. I was either in steel mills or drinking heavily. Even being at home with reports and email I would start drinking and smoking copious amount of cigarettes. The cigarette is the perfect friend to the writer but I am so grateful to be off of that poison.
"All of you who are in love with hectic work and whatever is fast, new, strange –– you find it hard to bear yourselves, your diligence is escape and the will to forget yourself. If you believed more in life, you would hurl yourself less into the moment. But you do not have enough content in yourselves for waiting –– not even for laziness!"......
I don't think I understand the wisdom in "If you believed more in life, you would hurl yourself in the moment." We should be living in the past or the future? I don't mind spending time in the past and definitely not spending time in fantasy or even realistic futures but I don't know if that is best for me.
I just went for a walk on the beach and was thinking a lot about all this. Then, spontaneously, I felt like going body surfing in the waves and completely forgot everything including myself. It was quite nice. I don't see why there is condemnation towards this act of being in the moment or self-forgetting.
Ok, so, I realize there is more to life than just health and survival. I would be a man of leisure my whole life if I could. That doesn't mean I wouldn't help others but it would all be end in itself activities.
I guess when it gets down to it there are 3 concerns from the article I can't see how to fix:
1.) My narcissism. Specifically narcissistic self-repeating.
2.) This relates to narcissism but my self image. Self image typically does not change. Mine does and is not always based in reality.
3.) How can I be more of a "sovereign man"? ... Well, maybe that is a better question: How can I be a man of leisure all the time? From my perspective, inevitably I will have to get employed by a corporation and seemingly inevitably turn back into that self-exploiting achievement-subject.
Let's start with 1.) My narcissism. Specifically narcissistic self-repeating
Just the fact that I believe I could be narcissistic... Well, I am narcissistic but that doesn't mean I am clinical:
nar·cis·sis·tic
having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.
Excessive interest in oneself = true
erotic = no
excessive interest in one's physical appearance = probably yes when I am lifting weights
This blog is all the evidence needed for narcissistic self-repeating but:
Narcissistic personality disorder
A disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. I don't think that describes me. Even when I was making shit tons of money playing poker and doing drugs I still don't think that described me. Even when I had the most profitable account in NAFTA and I was drinking heavily it may have described me. It does not describe me now at all.
Symptoms include:
an excessive need for admiration = no
disregard for others' feelings = no
an inability to handle any criticism = no
a sense of entitlement = no
So, I don't think I'm clinical narcissistic disorder but I am a narcissist. But, it is more of an interest in myself than an admiration of myself. I don't particularly admire myself. Actually looking it up I suppose I do regard myself with respect and warm approval. That's currently. I am really enjoying training and reading. So, I am a narcissist. *shrug* I am in therapy for this stuff maybe I should bring it up. Obviously, there is no cure or medications I can take. I just have to go through life with being a bit of a narcissist. That means you guys will probably continue seeing blogs from me and continue hearing the same old shit.
2) Self image typically does not change. Mine does and is not always based in reality.
I have had people say I am too hard on myself. I have had low self-esteem in the past. It can creep back in in time of lows and depressions. Maybe the change in self-image is just due to my bipolar. In times of depression I feel like shit about myself and the world. In times of manic I am grandiose and typically love my self. So, self image is always going to be distorted a bit. Mine gets distorted severely. The fact that I am always changing jobs and moving around a lot has an effect too. I would say in the chapter some of what he was saying about self image hit a nerve but I am over that for the most part now.
3.) How can I be more of a "sovereign man"? ... Well, maybe that is a better question: How can I be a man of leisure all the time? From my perspective, inevitably I will have to get employed by a corporation and seemingly inevitably turn back into that self-exploiting achievement-subject.
The first thing that comes to my mind is push for automation and a universal basic income.
Apart from that I am out of ideas.
That doesn't mean I have to become a self-exploiting achievement-subject. I could just do my job. I don't have to be hyper efficient about it. I don't have try to improve on perfect every day. I don't have to be this profit growth machine. So, maybe I don't get as many promotions or bonuses or whatever but who cares. Utility wise that money doesn't even really matter and will only make me confused. Put me back into tattoo, leather jacket, or chelsea boot type of choices. But, god damn, would it be nice to find an end in itself that could keep a roof over my head and keep me from starving.
I was bringing up Peter Joseph's idea of reducing property and one day being able to travel with out bringing any property. I thought this was brilliant. I would take it in a second but my mom was like "But, I would want to bring my clothes. What about individuality?" I just shook my head. These fucking baby boomers with their neoliberalism and their individuality. I was like "YOUR PERSONALITY! WHO YOU ARE! THAT IS INDIVIDUALITY! NOT SOME CLOTHES THE FASHION INDUSTRY MANIPULATED YOU INTO BUYING!"
Even if we want to say that humans have some innate need to express themselves uniquely with their appearance, there's no reason to think you could only do that under capitalism. In fact, it's easy to see it's the opposite... under capitalism your wants are easily engineered for a purpose, they are not chosen freely. In communal living you could have a friend who is a great knitter and who does something custom for you or you could make it yourself, now that is real individuality -- the fruit of your labor -- it doesn't get better than that. But I believe you'd have to be ready to pass it on if someone needed it and you didn't. Not by force obviously.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
You couldn't clothe the people with grandma's knitting though. So, many fashion houses with so much experience and factories. Would it be possible to organize? Get rid of the marketing department and the creative teams. Replace with sustainability and pragmatic teams. I guess this is what I don't quite understand. There would still be a cost associated with making the product. Free labor, plastic bottles and fabric scrap, I guess the "cost" could get quite low. There is still energy costs to run the factories, etc. Although in a more anarchist, socialist world there wouldn't need to be nearly as much production. How do we get there? I really don't know.
United States. May 25 2018 19:57. Posts 8527
