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RiKD    United States. May 09 2018 19:29. Posts 5124
So, I am unemployed so I will probably be writing more blogs. More time. More anguish to cope with. More self-centered cravings that I will indulge in. This blog being one of them. I have been lying in. Just spending an hour or so in my bed just lying in. I have heard the natural circadian rhythm is to wake up about an hour later each day. I think I am on that voyage. So, I feel a bit sleepy. I haven't woke up yet. That could be a metaphor for my life as well. I am just a bit sleepy in general. It doesn't feel like I am woke like I need to be. To make a decision on what I am going to be spending my time on next. I could go the fear and tradition route and just take the first job that I can get. I have a little bit of money to take a vacation. I don't want to think too much. I just want to feel. What does my gut say? Not, what do my parents say? What does my brother say? What do my friends say? But, what does my gut say? What does my heart say?

I need to hit the gym again today and get a good sweat in. I don't think I am overtrained yet. After losing about 10 lbs. in a week and a half I have hit a bit of a plateau. I just have to make sure to maintain the muscle, get the HIIT in, and it's probably 70%+ nutrition. That's a bit of a heartbreaker that I shouldn't be eating rice.

I am just trying to position myself to have a bon ete. Good Summer. Why just a bon ete? Why not bonne vie? We wish people to have a good day or a good week. Why not a good life? I wished my brother-in-law a happy birthday today, told him I loved him, and wished him a great life not just a great day. I do love him but I don't know him as well as my other brother-in-law. I consider him my actual brother no disrespect to my actual brother. I had a text conversation with my old BJJ coach the other night. He is my brother too. I kind of wish I had enough money to go back and train. BJJ is the ultimate HIIT workout. When you are exchanging sweat, joint locks, and strangles a very rare camaraderie exists. Oh well, I have quit training twice already. Not that the past necessary repeats itself like a lot of people like to obsess about but there were reasons for me not doing it that were greater than the reasons for doing it so unless the reasons scale shifts it is stupid to throw down money on training and private lessons.

I am not meant for a corporate environment. Baal was talking about how corporations are not coercive. That is bullshit. They use their positions of power to manipulate all the fucking time. That's really all it is. It was the same in sales. I think I have told this story before but my manager took me out for drinks and explained to me it was all manipulation. We are trying to manipulate the customer into doing what we want and it is that simple. In taking me to a cool place and buying me drinks I like he was attempting to manipulate me into manipulating people. There are a million ways in which corporations and managers can be coercive and manipulative. They can dock pay, they can give people shitty assignments, they can make people work more hours, not give people vacation, they can fire people. A lot of sales in business to business was just finding the collection of people within the customers' company that would manipulate their own people. It almost always came down to the Plant Manager telling the purchasing agent to fuck off.

The fact that I am not meant for the corporate environment and the fact that I can't pay the bills as an artist it just seems like I am destined to be destitute. That is what I am not awake to. Where are my outs? I can't be drawing dead. Really? But, we've been through this before. I mean surely I shouldn't be judging an occupation on the percentage chance that I get ghosted mentioning it on Tinder? Lol, that is absurd but it was a thought. Thoughts are fucked up. Feelings from the gut are more reliable. My gut feeling is that apprenticing at a tattoo shop would be really interesting. I am very talented at drawing and sketching. I get minor tremors in my hand due to the lithium and adrenaline so that might kill it. It would be an experience but I would have to find a shop that would take me. There are probably better options out there.

We are a sum of our actions but how much power do we have over those actions?

The US Government and multinational corporations would have us believe it is complete control. Freedom and power are the most powerful marketing tools. It's a trap. I don't want any part of that machine but I must engage with it to a point. I haven't figured out any other way. It sucks doing work for less than a "living wage" though. It sucks doing work for more than a "living wage" typically too. The corporations want their employees to be in debt. The corporations want their customers to be in debt as long as they are buying their stuff. People start getting flush with money they are free to make some changes. Free to take vacations and potentially to explore their surplus of options. All of this is based on culture. Culture of the state and culture of the corporation. I struggle to fit in with much of the US culture and corporate culture. New slavery is buying an $1,000 leather jacket. That's being caught in chains, in a prison. Is it worth having to be perfect going into a customer? Being an actor? All learned smiles, and laughs, and unblinking negotiations?

It's perfect outside and I don't have a bike. That makes me a bit sad. It will be a bit sad to go into a gym to use a stationary bike when it is 79 F and perfect outside. I loved my bike. I had an attachment to my bike. It always made me happy when I was riding it. I had to sell it when I lost my corporate job 3 years ago. That is what I should be spending my money on instead of chelsea boots, leather jackets, and tattoos. A new bike.

Oh well, I have to figure out how I am going to train today so I can be sane and lose fat and feel good. ¡Mucho Amor LP!

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RiKD    United States. May 10 2018 03:49. Posts 5124

I had to cash out my Bitcoin today. Well, I didn't cash out all of it. It's a shame. I really think it gets to $500-600k a fair amount of the time. Bitcoin and acres in Montana is my savings plan. If I ever get any money. I'll figure it out. AA made me a pussy but to be fair my alcoholism brought me to my knees. Bleh, I am not even attached to a savings plan. That is something corporations sell as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. 401k plus matching up to $5,000 is pretty fucking good though. I hate the fact that it has to go into the stock market blindly but it is a free $5k after all. There is a new Drake remix out where he talks about his dad telling him to make money, not die, or go to prison. I have these ideas of getting into 3d printing assault rifles. Keeping it low key but I think you're always going to get nailed by the feds plus the amount of harm it is probably causing.

I have all this time now and I am squandering it on LP. Parts of me feel I just have to get it out of my system but the other parts feel it really is an addiction that will only get better with some connection and mixing it up a bit. I don't want to change right now.

I wonder if I can hold out until June 13. I go on a family vacation then and then come back for a friend's wedding. I feel like I am ok with taking say a week vacation and seeing how that goes. I wouldn't mind catching up on some reading and some movies. There is a storm brewing. There is anguish in my future. Such is life.

Why isn't compatibilism taught in high schools?

I fucking hate high school and college. I hate so many facets of this world.

RiKD    United States. May 10 2018 16:14. Posts 5124

I am sleeepy again. Trying to wake up with this Kaytranada. Man, I don't really feel like going on some anti- high school, college, neoliberal economy rant...

I HAVE A BIKE! I didn't realize there is a really old bike from like almost 20 years ago but I HAVE A BIKE! Now, I just need some sort of bag to carry my valuables...............

I didn't sell my bike pump either! I think I am in business. The tires are flat the seat needs adjusting but I could be in business. I want to start riding the bike to the gym on nice days.

RiKD    United States. May 11 2018 03:33. Posts 5124

A women just took me off guard and asked me out. She is going to the beach tomorrow and asked if I wanted to crash. Now in my mind crash means spend the night or I could be crashing her party uninvited but she invited me. It took me off guard and I didn't want to mess it up and I kind of like my secure little life at the moment. My first thought is I was planning on relaxing in the morning and training. I would rather do this than drive 40 min. to her beach when she might flake. I wrote "what time?" which feels meh. I wouldn't be asking "what time?" if it was Marion Cotillard. This woman isn't Marion Cotillard though so whatever. I am overthinking this of course. I think I think too much. What do I feel? What do I want? I want to spend some time with this woman but maybe not tomorrow but when?

"You're welcome to come crash"

She is inviting me to crash her own solo party at the beach which since she invited me I wouldn't be crashing the party or inviting me to spend the night?

I don't think it's the second but it may be a bit of a Freudian slip.

She could be a bit drunk. Who knows?

I was just on the phone with a friend saying it is nice to get through some roadblocks in dating sober but I still have a long way to go. I have had women straight up ask me to come over after meeting them once but that was boozy city.

I feel like I am just going to use this like a twitter with no character restrictions. I think so far the posts in this particular blog have been weak but that's just what I was feeling at the time.

This post is more like a real life choose your own adventure so maybe a bit more interesting. Plus I didn't write a million words.

LP what would you do?

cariadon   Estonia. May 11 2018 20:56. Posts 4007

Go. Nothing to lose. You've got time, you are interested. Otherwise you wouldn't even be considering it.

RiKD    United States. May 12 2018 03:06. Posts 5124

I didn't go but she was drunk messaging. We can go sometime next week.

RiKD    United States. May 12 2018 18:23. Posts 5124

"Seeking single white male"

Should this be a disqualifier? How is disqualifier not a word?

qwe5408   . May 13 2018 19:45. Posts 16

hey rikd, i see that you have a green star. although you seem to have difficulty with mental/psychological issues (not in a judgemental way, i am pretty prone to depression myself) have u considered moving somewhere that has a poker room and working part time in a different capacity? it seems like you could carve out a decent living for yourself. i don't think traditional routes suits your personality very well.

one of my friends just became a poker dealer and he makes 70k and has 0 responsibilities. he seems pretty content.

RiKD    United States. May 14 2018 20:51. Posts 5124

I'm not really in a position to move anywhere unless I have a job offer.

RiKD    United States. May 14 2018 21:56. Posts 5124

I don't think there are any collectives in Charleston unfortunately. There are a number of places that use the name collective but that just seems to be a hip, chic thing to do. They all look like pretty decent places to work at though so *shrug*. Better than working at the Nike store downtown or joining the military.

RiKD    United States. May 15 2018 01:00. Posts 5124

It's weird getting superliked on Tinder. It's like... Did you mean to do this? but I never ask the question and we never talk about it. I've gotten ghosted from a superlike right from the get go it's like... Embarrassed about the superlike? Why not just unmatch me? Still nothing? That is kind of weird. I have superliked people on accident and it was misfortunate but never matched with someone I superliked so I guess I don't really know what it's like. I will never superlike someone on purpose. Or at least I don't think I will. Someone could surely change my mind on this topic.

RiKD    United States. May 15 2018 01:25. Posts 5124

I just ate about 6oz of salmon. My girl Mexie wouldn't approve. My dude Loco wouldn't approve. Man, you mean to tell me I could have just had like 6 more squares of dark chocolate and not eaten the fish? Damn.

Floofy   Canada. May 15 2018 02:02. Posts 8680

  On May 15 2018 00:00 RiKD wrote:
It's weird getting superliked on Tinder. It's like... Did you mean to do this? but I never ask the question and we never talk about it. I've gotten ghosted from a superlike right from the get go it's like... Embarrassed about the superlike? Why not just unmatch me? Still nothing? That is kind of weird. I have superliked people on accident and it was misfortunate but never matched with someone I superliked so I guess I don't really know what it's like. I will never superlike someone on purpose. Or at least I don't think I will. Someone could surely change my mind on this topic.

Don't ever start questionning ghosting. girls do it ALL THE TIME. Not sure if they make accounts and quit, or are just there for fun (but doesn't want to talk to anyone), but it happens a lot. its a numbers game. you need tons of like for one of them to turn into a date.

i have gotten very few super likes, and those who did, it didn,t work out lol

james9994: make note dont play against floofy, ;(Last edit: 15/05/2018 02:02

RiKD    United States. May 15 2018 02:24. Posts 5124

Yeah, I know man. But, if a girl superlikes you and then ghosts on "Hi, how are you?" It is especially weird. Sometimes I write some crazy stuff so I can understand a ghost. Sometimes "Hi, how are you?" is probably boring and they ghost. So, I just do whatever I feel like. No regrets.

A "general manager" just asked me what I do and I told her I train a lot, walk the dog a lot, and discuss anarchy and Edgar Morin on forums. That is either going to be a big win or a big loss. She looks like Marion Cotillard (I mean resembles, I mean she really does look like her in some of her pics) anyways we'll see how it goes. If she's an anarchy fan or an Edgar Morin fan that probably clinches the date. If she isn't then fuck her. Oh yeah, I said I honestly don't know what I am going to do next. That is the truth. I don't think it really makes sense to be an activist from my parents' home either. Fuck. I have to figure out something to do eventually. It's so freeing not having to be under the manipulation and coercion of a corporate hierarchical structure. Maybe I will be a barista for Collective Coffee or apprentice at Holy City Tattoo Collective or help out at Charleston Art Collective. Those all seem reasonable to me.


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