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RiKD    United States. Apr 01 2018 00:57. Posts 5124
I don't know. I felt like writing a journal. Figured I would do it on here. If I get comments great. If not then at least I spent some time writing some things out.

I was doing some spring cleaning and found a garbage bag full of what was my sock drawer. I had an excessive amount of condoms in there. I think I bought so many because I got a good deal but also because I thought that was going to be my life when I moved near Chicago. Well, they were sitting in that bag expired before I threw them all away. My clothes too were different. I definitely didn't have it figured out. Will I ever have it figured out? Is all we can hope for is to be present in meditation? I mean I am sitting here writing this blog. I am grasping. I am gasping. Yet, I feel comfortable.

Masturbating and eating too much are probably my biggest vices at this point. That isn't so bad. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks when calling people on the phone. That's weird I don't know where that came from. Similarly, I get anxiety attacks sometimes maybe all of the time when reading in a recovery meeting or if I am going to share. It's just weird and it's frustrating and it's tiresome.

Sometimes going online offers some relief but most of the time it is just nothing. I go to LP and there is almost always nothing nowadays. I go to facebook which I regret getting back on and it is just the same old stuff. Nothing substantial whatsoever. In fact, I am going to deactivate now. Deactivated. Then I go to reddit r/gonewild and just scroll through. Just scroll on through. I don't even masturbate I just scroll. Then sometimes I go to pornhub and just watch clips. Then sometime I masturbate. That pretty much sums up my activities online. When I am in the grips of that cycle if I go through that cycle and get bored with it at some point I am in complete existential despair. I mean not really but it is like the circuitry in my brain can't handle it. I need some type of stimulus. It's basically just what I do when I get home from work. I sit down and get hooked. Then after I eat a meal or something I have to let the food digest a bit before I can lie down and read a book.

And, I am sitting here writing a blog instead of going to an AA meeting and sort of complaining about the whole thing. I have to do something if I don't go to a recovery meeting. Oh man, we have definitely been through this before. I feel like I am growing as a person and figuring some things out but my life can sometimes seem like some vicious loop cycle. It's like one has to figure things out and get ahead of the curve in certain areas. When I got ahead of the curve in poker that was good but I fell behind the curve in other areas that were important. Or, I am just being me. If I am being honest there are just sometimes I'd rather just chill on the internet and read a book than go out with people I don't know too well. What I would really like to do is get really really high and watch some Planet Earth. That's the truth and that's a problem for an addict like me.

Oh well, tomorrow I can deadlift. Everything is right in the world when I am deadlifting. I think my food has digested enough to start reading. Until next time.

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RiKD    United States. Apr 01 2018 18:00. Posts 5124

Well, I am caught in that loop again. I have about 30 min. to kill before I go train. The problem this time is that at pornhub and ersties the videos were taking forever to load. Ersties is kind of a cool site. I don't know if it's because everyone is online on a Sunday at noon or something is wrong with my internet connection.

I know what I'll do. I'll listen to some music and get some endorphins going.

Time for another Monster.

Good shit man. Good shit. (I just had a good shit). It's all part of the waking up process. I slept like crazy last night and had some crazy dreams. The waking up process. How do I continue to wake up from today's shit society and indoctrinations? How do I figure things out? I have figured out that I like Bread and Boxers t-shirts and boxer briefs. That only took me like 33 years. I mean we have to be able to figure some things out. It can't all be unfigurable. Yes, everything is impermanent but maybe humans or I need some order. Will there be a day that I can't throw on a t-shirt and some jeans and be comfortable?

I think I like watching porn more than writing at least today. That is what I wanted to do with this time.

I technically could bring dates home and fuck them. My parents are gone for a week. I need to get better at trolling the internet for horny women. There has got to be a website for just lonely, horny people who want some company. No 3rd date business. Although maybe it takes 3 dates to decide if I want to fuck them. I think it becomes pretty clear after a first date if you want to fuck them. Then there might be more information that comes out that you don't want to fuck them. Or, probably more appropriate: fuck with them.

These are things I have to figure out. How to actually speak in a recovery meeting with out having an anxiety attack, how I am actually going to sanely date women, how about how am I going to move out of my parents' house?

Then there is stuff like what is my next tattoo going to be? That's kind of like junk values but I just really love tattoos. I want to get a sleeve sometime in the spring before tank top season. Sun's out guns out.

I want to draw my cat Sebastian and Pico. My sister encouraged me to get back into drawing and painting and just expression in general. I would like to start dancing as well. I enjoy singing but I don't have the best voice. I drive around and sing to Frank Ocean albums for music therapy. I would to take up the drums again.

Ok, I think I am mostly awake. Physically awake. I don't know how my third eye is doing. Time to get some sun and deadlift some weight.

RiKD    United States. Apr 02 2018 15:38. Posts 5124

Journal time

I am doing pretty well. I did absolutely nothing Easter related. All of my family was elsewhere so I was serious loner. I did get to a recovery meeting with some fellow outcasts and it was good. I sadly went to Chipotle for dinner to eat by myself on Easter but it was closed so I went to the empty grocery store and got a $2.99 burrito and some dark chocolate snacks.

A lady friend I hadn't seen in a while told me my beard was epic. It made me feel good. I don't know if I would even say we are friends. More like acquaintances. I don't know. I get a lot of compliments. It feels like I have the capacity to grow a great beard I should keep a great beard. It's like women who have great breasts. Why not show some cleavage sometimes? I don't think a beard is as attractive to women as breasts are to men. I don't even know if a beard is attractive to women. I think to most women it is unattractive. Or, you go into all that science about women wanting more masculine traits when they are menstruating or whatever. Whatever, I just have to comb it and maybe throw in some beard oil if I feel like it. That is so much better than shaving everyday.

I may have posted this song before but it is just so good:

It can be like a super let's get sink in some depression type of a song or if I am driving and there is an epic sunset it can be quite blissful and ecstatic.

Off to the gym soon to pump up my pectorals and my arms. I guess it feels good to get a lift in. I wish I had this effect on women:

I don't want to get back into old habits of obsessing about looking like Tyson Beckford or Brad Pitt in Troy. In a way it is like obsessing about having a thick 8'' penis or a 160 iq.

Oh well, I should still get to the gym and get a good lift in. I can develop a decent amount of size and symmetry even without it being my sole occupation. I can get a bit leaner.

PuertoRican   United States. Apr 04 2018 22:30. Posts 11278

  On March 31 2018 23:57 RiKD wrote:
I go to LP and there is almost always nothing nowadays.

Get into watching MMA/UFC.

You'll thank me later.

Rekrul is a newb 

RiKD    United States. Apr 05 2018 01:42. Posts 5124

I got 8 reps in with 90 lbs. on each arm of the one arm dumb bell row. That felt pretty good. It wasn't too heavy. I am slowly getting it back.

A woman caught me catching a glance in the workout class and smiled at me. That was nice. I was kind of feeling down and shitty in there today even though I put in a great session. That made me feel good.

I feel like I am entering myself into a world of insecurity and attention seeking entering the dating world. What are the best apps and avenues these days anyways?

RiKD    United States. Apr 06 2018 03:31. Posts 5124

So, I am finally on Tinder. Figured it would be a good place to start. I am not thrilled about my pictures. I think they will have to do. I am insecure about being a prep cook at 34 years old. I feel like that might be equivalent of being a fat chick. Lucky for me I liked a few thick girls. If models were made for modeling thick girls were made for cuddling. I of course liked some of the hot lawyer career types. You can almost feel when they are out of your league. There was a time in my life when I was dating hot doctors and they were smitten with me. It seems like those days are over for now. Tinder is addicting though. I read you should only do it for like 15 min. or else you start getting overly picky.

That's a tough racket being a single mom, old, or fat. I gotta get my shit together. Maybe Tinder and other dating apps will light a fire under my arsehole. Singe some grundle hairs. I need a picture with my dog up there. Like a bad ass picture. I wish I would have gotten a better picture when I was hiking mountains in Asheville but it will have to do.

How is everyone getting dates these days? Like how does the LP nerd get a date?

RiKD    United States. Apr 07 2018 04:00. Posts 5124

So, I have been messing around with Tinder. I got my first match today. It was like borderline. She looked kind of thicker than just thick like big girl status but I was like fuck it we'll see if we match for the shits of it. So, boom, we matched. I decided to insta send her a message because why not? Now, I am having second thoughts. Do I really want to make a thing of it and have some coffee with her? I am thinking I will just banter a bit over message and maybe ask her deal breakers like if she likes Trump or just tell her I live with my parents and I don't drink blah blah blah. I could straight up ghost her but that doesn't seem like the right thing to do. It doesn't even seem right to straight up ghost people you have matched with.

RiKD    United States. Apr 07 2018 04:24. Posts 5124

I feel like a lot of people are misleading on Tinder. At least some have the decency to post a picture of their full body. Sometimes it is like you get a picture of their face in college and then a picture of them now and it is like whoa. I am trying really hard not to be shallow but you kind of have to be shallow. In many regards the penis does the picking. Now, has my penis been swayed by modern society, images, advertising, marketing??? Probably, hell fucking yes.

I wrote the city I live in and my height in the about me section. Should I be more forthcoming? About me: Living at home with my parents, bipolar, alcoholic, never had a stable relationship?

RiKD    United States. Apr 07 2018 23:53. Posts 5124

I think it's good to start getting matches. You get some confidence and you aren't too invested in any one woman. I still need some better pictures like a great one with my dog.

iop., lngple, Frinkx, floofy where are you guys at? I liked in one of my other blogs we were discussing dating apps and online dating. At this point Floofman probably has more online dating experience than anyone on the site. Maybe I'll go back and read that thread.

Just asked my first woman out on Tinder. We will see how it goes.

I may need to do it in a more alpha way. Make it a statement. Let's grab some coffee sometime. Whereabout do you live? Or, maybe I asked her out too soon but fuck it. I didn't want to keep with the chit chat over messenger. I do see it maybe being a bit of a problem that I don't drink. I think it is easier to ask women out to drinks. Is some women really going to want to meet me on a Wednesday at 8pm for coffee? Oh well. It is my REALITY. I'm fucking tinder sick. I need to lay off it for a bit.

RiKD    United States. Apr 08 2018 18:27. Posts 5124

My fear is no one wants to hang out with a guy on a prep cook income that is living with his parents. I have yet to match a hot 20 something but it makes sense. They have plenty of options and they are looking to drink and have fun. If I could offer them more fun and more intrigue then there is something there but currently I can offer ....

I don't even know of one cool coffee shop downtown but it is motivating me to do more.

RiKD    United States. Apr 09 2018 01:39. Posts 5124

I think I need to find a bro site. All I want to discuss at the moment is lifting and tinder.

RiKD    United States. Apr 09 2018 02:04. Posts 5124

Man, I missed out on so much pussy when I was in my 20s. No matter. I try not to dwell in the past too much unless I can learn something from it. It's not so good to be projecting into the future and getting lost in fantasies either. Just let me bring it to the present. Seagull, Seagull, waves, ocean, sky, ocean, sand, how does the sand feel on my feet? What can I hear? Let's sit for a while and focus on the breath.

Seriously, though, maybe one day I can get my shit together and have some fun dates with some women and have a sane sex life. Maybe one day. Now, I just spend to much time on tinder thinking about what could have been.

RiKD    United States. Apr 10 2018 03:00. Posts 5124

The thing about this tinder thing is everyone is just trying to do their best. How do we get 5 photos up here that are going to get people to swipe right? What can I write in this bio section that might get someone to swipe right? But, then like what the fuck? I haven't even talked to some of my matches because fuck it. I ghosted on one chick just because I didn't know where I wanted to get a coffee. I realized I don't even know when I would go on dates with these women. But, in the meantime it has become a pastime to just play the tinder game and people watch. There is such an abundance of attractive women out there. I wish I was in a better position to have fun with them and sleep with them. That's basically it. A craving so in turn there will be suffering. If you let the craving become an obsession that is a lot of suffering. If you let the craving be a buzzing mosquito from time to time it will pass. I am no monk though. Silent retreats and no sex doesn't sound so appealing. Maybe that is a fault of mine.

RiKD    United States. Apr 12 2018 01:15. Posts 5124

I think I am getting better. I know what I need to do. I need a better profile pic. One that shows off my eyes and smile. I need a good pic with my dog. If I had those 2 I would be more in the running. The bio I should probably work on some. I don't know if it matters anyway. Prep cook living at home with his parents I am still just ended up with big girls. That's who I have a surplus of. Quite beautiful women really but I don't know if I can do big girls. I can pick em out now. You have to be a little suspicious when their faces are a little chubby and there aren't any full body pictures. I just don't have time for that. Similarly, many of these women probably don't have time for me. My main picture is a head shot of me in shades with a full beard. I think maybe a lot of women are turned off by that. I shouldn't have shades in my first picture. My second picture is a full body shot but I am all covered up because it was really cold outside. The third I am wearing a hat and petting a cat. Definitely could use some better pictures.

Oh well, I got a good lift in today. I should be monstering with this energy and testosterone coursing through my veins but yet I am posting stupid shit on here.

RiKD    United States. Apr 13 2018 02:09. Posts 5124

Here we go. Another session of thoughts.

Ideally I get like a professional headshot done for my tinder profile. I have a decent one of me standing with good posture in the mountains. I would like to get a good one with my dog Sid the Kid. One showing off my tattoos. Ideally, I get this shit done pronto. The likes are out there and my profile is sitting there lacking.

RiKD    United States. Apr 13 2018 02:16. Posts 5124

I think for any LP people wanting to do tinder here are some things I've learned.

- Get your profile down before going on a bunch of liking sprees

Ideally, I would have started from a stronger starting position with five strong photos. 1 really good headshot or standing, 1 standing showing posture, 1 showing an interest/cool, 1 with a dog, 1 other good photo. Bio I think is a personal thing but I think you want to stand out with out being too weird. No novels.

In a way maybe I should have started from a stronger starting point anyway and waited until I have my own place but I just wanted to run an experiment. It would be nice to have some places I could actually take a date. I don't know the city very well. If you drink great. Getting drinks is easy.


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