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Sometimes I want to snort cocaine and do heroine

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RiKD    United States. Dec 22 2017 14:27. Posts 5117
I wrote a too long blog post last night and did not title it and clicked post and lost it. Probably for the better. I have a feeling this is some form of addiction, habit, routine. I appreciate the feedback. It feels like I am inching forward.

So, yesterday I worked close to close fueled by caffeine, anxiety, and adrenaline. I was speed making everything all day. In a way it was kind of fun. I enjoy cutting onions, peppers, mozzarella, et al. It is fun to see how fast I can go without cutting myself. I have a night's sleep under my belt now I don't feel as worried about what will happen when I am not there. We have been getting slammed recently most likely due to the holidays and I was barely keeping us afloat and I am not sure if the new guy can keep up. The restaurant may just run out of food too because the owner did not buy enough. I guess these are problems out of my control. I am going on vacation to visit family for a handful of days and would like to enjoy it. One thing about yesterday is I was all amped up thinking about ways I could incorporate speed into my day. Caffeine half life is too small and I don't like having to drink coffee or energy drinks all day. I was thinking of starting to do coke. Then I am in the bathroom every 30 min. lol. Adderall might be the play. I am trying to lose a bit of weight too so if I don't eat that is all the better.

Grimes - Visions is a good album.

So, we are cosmically insignificant. Cosmically nothing. So close to zero it might as well be zero but why does this music effect me so? Why does this Monet make my soul sing?

I feel a kinship to Basquiat. Frantically going from one thing to the other look for some opium to quell the demons. The negative structures of life. When my drinking was at its worst in Shittown, IN I was slightly psychotic for months. I covered my apartment in journals, poetry, philosophy, artwork, whatever. When my dad came out when I went into the psych ward he threw all of that away no questions. I still may have a resentment about that. It doesn't really matter. I really have yet to find my stride. Sometimes it feels like I am settling in many parts of my life. Sometimes I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to get something, to get somewhere. Is my job good enough for now or am I cheating myself by not getting something "better"? I am slowly meeting quality people. That is all I can really ask for. Things to think about.

I am really liking this Willow - F Q-C #8

Just grab your neighbor's hand and get comfortable. Just as long as I don't have to say a Lord's Prayer.

Sometimes I feel like a rat in a cage. Where is the Rat Fun Park? Paris, patios, and picnic tables. I met a student from Paris once and he said students get into the Luvre for free. He would go everyday. That is heaven. Not this stuff they talk about in the Lord's Prayer. I mean there is no evidence for anything as far as I know. I think it is a bit tougher to think about just dying and ceasing to exist. IMMORTALITY is what we all dream about. Would we even want that if it were possible? Does death add to life? I know I get more of a thrill out of driving really fast because I might crash and get injured or die.

Alright, I should start packing.

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RiKD    United States. Dec 22 2017 15:06. Posts 5117

I have been listening to this song compulsively:

The marketing in the youtube vid reminds me of the gal I still have in my veins or rather I am still in withdrawal.

Just killing some time. I have some clothes in the dryer that I am waiting on.

Maybe I will spend some time on why I don't snort cocaine or shoot up heroine. I don't know to be honest. Human connection and community is the best I can come up with. There are times I miss alcohol but for whatever reason I have not imbibed yet. I already am terminal with the "disease" of existence but if I were more terminal with cancers and other illness I don't know what I would do. A part of me is like bring on the morphine! We will just have to see. Give me all the opiates. I don't really care about dying sober. If I am going down in serious pain let's go down higher than the moon. My life right now is better sober though. That is for sure.

Alright, gotta pack the car up. I would wager I will be back on here at some point but happy holidays everyone. That could get me on a rant about the holidays.......................... maybe another time.

K40Cheddar   United States. Dec 22 2017 22:11. Posts 2184

You should pick up the guitar. It'll help you calm your senses when your thoughts are wandering.

GGLast edit: 22/12/2017 22:11

iop   Sweden. Dec 23 2017 01:31. Posts 4944

Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth 

RiKD    United States. Dec 23 2017 06:40. Posts 5117

Just got out of the car on a long ride up North. Back in my ole state of Ohio. The city of Columbus feels more current than my hometown of Bumfuck Bourgeois, OH. Of course I instantly come to Liquidpoker on my sister's computer when I am done unloading the car.

Nice song iop.

I listened to I think 5 Rick Roderick lectures on Nietzsche. Really good stuff. I would recommend the one on eternal reoccurrence for sure. That always lights a fire under my ass to get busy living. Would I want to relive my life for eternity? I'd better do the best I can. He talks about loving ones' fate and loving ones' place in history. I think for parts of my life I carried a lot of resentments over that but if I can get acceptance with my fate and my place in history anyone of us can be a force. Let's get active. Fuck pious. Fuck virtue. What about excellence? Let's create some stories! I don't think it just has to be a 20s thing. We have to want to relive this life from zero + 1 to death - 0, forever. That means from 2-10, 11-18, 18-25, 25-30, 30-40, 41-60, 61-80 all of it. I would say I would relive it but I have some serious actions to take to make my life better in my 30s and 40s and beyond. I am at a crossroads. I am looking up at an Andy Warhol Beethoven in pastels and that shit inspires me. There is a guitar right next to me. I am not going to pick that shit up because the domesticateds are sleeping upstairs but I fucking want to. Usually when I am at my sisters I produce music. I get really fucking into it. Maybe that will be a project for tomorrow. There is something to be said for just having a pastry and a coffee and catching up too. They do have a little wildman running around these days and he cracks me up. When people ask me when am I going to have kids I just kind of shrug and smile.

Can you imagine Beethoven banging on the piano composing his music. That is the pinnacle of life right there. Basquiat blaring Ravel "Bolero" on repeat, reading about Roman History and making paint strokes in a charcoal armani suit. Nietzsche just cozied up in some Swiss resort furiously writing an aphorism before his health fails him. He can barely see. So baller. Roderick argued that Nietzsche was a pathetic little man that lead a terribly uninteresting life. I don't know how I feel about that claim. His works are undoubtedly beastly but I suppose he lived in seclusion and wrote most of the time. I think he was kind of balling always living in resort towns and he certainly had meaning filling out his body of work. Something to think about. I am curious what others think. Roderick's example of a life he thought was worth living at least twice was Jesse Jackson. I would be interested to hear about what you all would consider a great life to live not once, not twice, but for all eternity. Watch the lecture too. it's on YouTube. I would wager it is worth your time.

VanDerMeyde   Norway. Dec 23 2017 18:23. Posts 4880

Please dont take heroine / cocaine

the few I know that did that got totally fucked up


RiKD    United States. Dec 23 2017 21:54. Posts 5117

I don't plan on taking heroine or cocaine unless I am terminally ill and then all bets might be off. I really can't predict it though. I have already talked about how the obsession to drink alcohol and use drugs has left me and I don't really know why. I can tell you what I did but that is about it and it may jumble the reasons with non-reasons.

I was hoping someone would want to talk about Nietzsche. My family certainly doesn't. A lot interests me irt Nietzsche but even just a starting point of what do you think about his life? Was it pathetic and uninteresting? Meaning anyone can answer that. He went to college then got out of there and just travelled to the Swiss Alps and the French Rivera and wrote beastly stuff. What makes an interesting life? Does it even matter? The practice of thinking about eternal reoccurrence gets my interest piqued. I think I have led a pretty interesting life up until this point but like I said I am at a crossroads of possibly failing. The recovery thing was interesting for a while and I met some characters and we took it from there but can I continue that as a prep cook in a new city. Perhaps that is a story. In a new, hip city again. The newcomer is instantly interesting and popular to the alcoholic. The relatively quiet guy with 3 years not so much. I am putting together a cast of characters that is for sure. I think it is about time to introduce some love interests. Living with parents is kind of a lame aspect of the story. I need to figure out a way to get out and get on my own in the not quite gentrified part of the city.

My brother in law just had to use the computer for a second. He is obsessed with bitcoin and alternative coins at the moment. He has been making a shit ton of money with it. I worry a bit about the swings ahead but for now it seems pretty damn cool and I am intrigued. I may start hitting it hard when I get back in Charleston but I kind of lost my train of thought and my sister just walked in the door who I never get to see anymore so peace out ya'll.

traxamillion   United States. Dec 23 2017 23:01. Posts 10384

You definitely don't have the money for a blow problem...
Complaining about coffee half life is kind of random too. It has a decent half life and you could pop a pill if drinking coffee too much is a problem. Adderall works but don't get it twisted it is basically meth (dextroamphetamine vs d-methamphetamine) and while great at first will produce diminishing returns and addiction.

Heroin is super dangerous because of all the fent on the east coast. If you are dead set on opiates plz start with some basic pharms like Vicodin or maybe 5mg Percocet. If you are opiate naive it will be the same as doing dope anyways. H with no tolerance is a good way to just die

Shooting speedballs is great though and id always recommend that life over suicide. It will obviously derail and ruin any attempts at a normal life though. GL!

 Last edit: 23/12/2017 23:08

Loco   Canada. Dec 24 2017 04:29. Posts 19392

  On December 23 2017 20:54 RiKD wrote:
I think I have led a pretty interesting life up until this point but like I said I am at a crossroads of possibly failing.

You're still doing the circular obsessing over narratives like Bojack. You don't have a story, you have a history. That story you tell yourself about your life is really just a mental prison you keep yourself in. It's really a damn shame if you can't manage to get outside of that mode of being, especially after listening to Roderick.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Dec 24 2017 06:51. Posts 5117

I realize nothing ever gets resolved and that there are ups and downs but there are things that I could be doing that will make my life more re-livable for eternity specifically my life in my 30s and beyond. I had some really rough patches in all of my epochs but I would say life was worth reliving even when I was in psych wards traveling down the levels of hell and back. Those episodes can make the simple parts of life seem better and the better parts of life seem more blissful. If you want to argue that the eternal reoccurrence is shit that is fine but I happen to think it is a pretty cool thought experiment. We have some free will to choose who we want to be in this life. How much I am not sure but there is some free will there to be as autonomous and free as one can be. I realize that Nietzsche and Sartre do not have the final word in this matter but I do a lot better if I am living along those lines than some determinist drone stuck forever in fate. I suppose we are always stuck in fate and history but actions must count for something. They must. That is what I currently believe. Attitude as well. If I can come to love my fate and place in history maybe I can vibe my way out of it. Maybe vibe isn't the best word but I did not want to write fight. Vibe is a good word for what I am trying to convey. There is no way out besides death. Shades on, deal with it.

Roderick himself talks about these narratives. Bob's tombstone reads "he sold tires." We are doing are best to avoid that fate. How can we not want to live an interesting life with worthwhile projects? Would we not rather live the life of Odysseus or the life of some priest in Bumfuck, USA?

It does not have to be either of those two. We can invent our own human life to a degree. Would the world not be a better place if they taught Nietzsche, Heidegger, Sartre in high school? If there were Self-Deception 101, Human Condition 101, Knowledge 101?

Today was a good day. I bought my nephew an awesome present. I went out to lunch with my sister and her friends. I went over to my brother's house and left early despite maybe catching flack for that but to be honest at the time I was not having the most fun and would rather hang out with my sisters. I would relive today for eternity even if that is a terrifying idea to wake up tomorrow as it was today so perhaps I would prefer not to (on second thought). There are things we can do to make our days better and I think it starts with introspection and I am sure you would agree with that. I have some ideas of what a good day would look like and I can't necessarily predict fate but there are actions I can take to make my life more livable. It also doesn't take into account serendipity. I wouldn't want to plan all my days to the t but some rough outlines should do. I know I like getting a decent amount of sleep, waking up with the sun. I enjoy pastries with coffee and morning conversation. I enjoy going out for lunch with friends and more conversation. I even enjoy stopping by LP if you couldn't tell. Reading. Going out for dinner with friends and hanging out. Maybe some more LP or reading. That is a pretty good day off. That might not quite be going on a last minute trip to Rosario, Argentina to watch Argentina play Brazil, sit down one evening and make $25k, get scalped tickets which may have been fake but end up being 5th row on the center line, etc. What's wrong with stories, histories? We are all just trying to manage. Hell, I am constantly writing paragraphs on this site just to get through my fear or illness and death, there must be something more, what is my immortality project? How am I going to feel good? How am I going to feel good? That is why I drank. That is why I do most things.

Loco   Canada. Dec 24 2017 13:00. Posts 19392

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Dec 24 2017 16:22. Posts 5117

I like that idea of art that leaves no object.

Nietzsche (and myself) can be a bit grandiose. It is nice to have people like Corey to sort of bring it back down to earth.

I would agree with him on most of his points but finding meaning in recycling is just not really going to cut it. I realize that is what he is arguing is that it should cut it but I think most people yearn for more. Nietzsche would probably say that recycling is just something people do and pretty pathetic. One does not think about the times they have recycled and thought "boy, I was living in that moment." I am not saying people need to be excellence chasers or ecstatic experience chasers. Depression follows ecstacy almost every time at least for me.

The courage to need little. I am not full minimalist but have been trending that way for a while now. I think I will make like $15,000 this year. I don't have much in the ways of the material. I don't crave the material. I would like to have some more money to travel. I am finding a cast of characters that don't mind consuming on my level. I would love to be apart of more singing, dancing, chanting, drumming. That is what I crave. Communion. Great stories. We would be wise to study some of those ancient tribes and see what a day might be like for them. None of this shopping and watching tv bullshit. I have arrived so now it is time to buy a new wardrobe and a Lexus bullshit.

I am getting a bit distracted so I will just leave it at that for now.

RiKD    United States. Dec 24 2017 17:08. Posts 5117

Loving ones' fate and place in history:

How does the starving African with flies in its eyes do this?

It seems like in a way a tribe living in cyclical time might be preferable to the mess we have today. I can move to different cities and create my own tribe today though. As Roderick points out it is never nice to have a toothache but it is certainly better to have one today than in the past.

Oh well, I am reading Foucault's "Discipline and Punish" and I am a bit intrigued mixed with boredom. Who knows if I will ever finish it.

Ok. I think I am making some cookies now. LP does a decent enough job of filling in the gaps. I have just woken up a bit antsy today and it hasn't gone anywhere. Too many gaps to fill. I don't have a car to escape. Sometimes I like family in small doses not all-in but I see this guitar here. Nice.

RiKD    United States. Dec 24 2017 19:39. Posts 5117

I took my sister's car to leave the house for a bit. I went to get coffee for everyone and the espresso machine was broke so it gave me a chance to check out Cory Anton's YouTube channel. It looked pretty good I will definitely have to investigate further.

I have to get away from the NFL football and the advertisements so I slink back into the basement to write who knows what on LP. Maybe I will get back to "Civilization and its Discontents" by Freud. That showed a lot of promise. These ideas in "Discipline and Punishment" by Foucault just don't seem like particularly new ideas or interesting ideas. Freud's insights can be on that beastly level.

I ate chocolate for lunch. Who knows what I am doing.

There is also the fact that my brother in law can come down at any moment to check to see how his alternative coins are doing which is distracting. I don't think I have anything interesting to say at the moment. This post is kind of a throwaway. Oh well.

RiKD    United States. Dec 24 2017 19:56. Posts 5117

I am watching this Roderick on Nietzsche as Artist and it is great.

Interesting fact: AA puts "To thine own self be true" on anniversary coins

Roderick: "If you go through a 12 step program and think you finally know yourself watch out buddy"

I see people continually crazy and continually frustrated and/or continually delusional all the time.

RiKD    United States. Dec 24 2017 20:14. Posts 5117

Here is another song I have been digging.

These days I feel like an underdog. Especially in relation to some sort of dominance hierarchy game or consumerist game. I am ok with that. It is just a bit of a switch from say highschool on paper. I was captain of the lacrosse team, got good grades, good test scores. It didn't take into account I was just a bit eccentric, a bit of a weirdo. Now, I am 33 living with my parents as a bipolar alcoholic. On paper that looks like an underdog to me. At least in this capitalist world. What does success mean anyway?

THIS IS A COOL SONG SO THIS IS A COOL PRODUCT. LISTEN TO THIS VOICE. IT IS DEEP AND RESONATING AND COOL LIKE THIS PRODUCT. My thoughts on the advertising accompanying NFL Football. Being a fan can be an immortality project. Nationalism, NFL football... fuck em. The branches of Christianity are almost like NFL football. They all have their favorite teams. Let's go to the altar. Stadiums are bigger than churches these days. Churches and stadiums and flags and despots in the form of corporations and the plastic politicians they have in their pockets. Maybe that is the ultimate project. I don't want to use the word ultimate actually but CHANGING my fate and place in history by changing history. Being a part of something bigger. Shaking things up a bit. We need more people like Bernie, Edgar Morin, ... Obviously, we have to do our best at not letting people like the Bush and the Clintons in power. Dick Cheney to Donald Trump. Idiocracy. Military industrial complex. Prison industrial complex. Unity and diversity. Learn how places like Germany rehabilitate criminals. Check out what Denmark is doing, Sweden, Portugal and what they have done with the heroin epidemic. I don't really want to go on a full out political rant so I will just end it there.

Loco   Canada. Dec 25 2017 09:53. Posts 19392

Obviously, Corey isn't saying that recycling is all you need for a meaningful life. He's saying that small things like that, once added up, and combined with ongoing self-cultivation is enough when you have the courage to need little. It's what works and what doesn't lead you astray into cycles of violence and addiction.

Earlier I was referring to your portrayal of your life as currently being at a point where you are "facing a crossroad and possibly failing". That makes it sound like you are a character in a story. A linear story with a denouement. That's just not how life works though. There is no denouement, no destination... there is not even a road; the path is always made by walking.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken)Last edit: 25/12/2017 10:04

RiKD    United States. Dec 25 2017 16:29. Posts 5117

The wanderer indeed.

RiKD    United States. Dec 25 2017 17:20. Posts 5117

Sometimes I need a breather.

My little nephew is great. He loves the above song. He'll start dancing a little bit. Then we got the drums going and he was playing some drums. I think that is the pinnacle of art (and transcendence) without leaving an object. A drum circle, dancing, rave, I love it. Interpretive dance at like 20 months old. I would go full hippie but I am not sure I like hanging out with "hippies."

I came into my sister's place and they were drinking wine and smoking weed watching adventure time. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that.

I am putting pressure on myself to read this or watch that but sometimes I think it is cool to just hang out and watch my sister play video games. She is passionate about education (works in the field and has a child) and the future and so I got to discuss some Morin. Fruitful conversation. I may just have to drop everything and read "On Complexity." I say that but I will do whatever ends up happening. I am always reading a handful of books at a time. I want the wisdom. I don't always like the laborious nature of moving my eyes from left to right.

Roderick's closing remarks:

I don't care if it's capitalism or communism, LIVE AND FEEL SOMETHING!

Not buying Hugo Boss and reading GQ. That is not fucking re-inventing yourself. Fucking hell man. Yearning for penthouse apartments in Lincoln Park, Chicago. Filling it with all sorts of bourgeoisie bullshit. It attracted doctors. It attracted rich daddy's little girls. I don't even know what I attract now but man, I am happy to be out of that cipher. I had the $400 pair of pants but it is all nothing. Exchanging stories around a campfire now that is living! Taking off all of the clothes and primally fucking. A rave in nature. In Malta they had raves in caves. I was not able to go but that sounds incredible. What festivals must we have now that god is dead? How about we systematically kidnap all the executives and politicians who are in cahoots for their version of "democracy?"

Walking through the streets of Columbus there were a lot of homeless. I was with people so I didn't engage but I am trying to improve working with the homeless. Having a conversation, inviting them out to lunch, asking what they are hoping to make that day and give the money to them but offering to hang out too. Go to an art museum. Give them a ride somewhere. I don't know it just feels like the right thing to do if I am by myself with no particular plans. I don't have the courage to do it among a group of people.

I have the courage to do stuff with a complete stranger homeless person but I don't have time to grab some lunch with an attractive woman. That is one area I am failing in. That is where the fervor, involvement, love, ecstasy is available. I need it all though. Helping alcoholics and the homeless is one of my most worthwhile projects.

So, I wander. Citizen of earth. Maybe I will find a society where the largest structure is a bonfire. But, I want a grocery store and a library and a Jimmy Johns. Where will I buy my hiking boots and hoody and coat. So, a Whole Foods, a library, a Jimmy Johns, and a REI will be the largest structures. Still sounds like a pretty cool place. Better than HEALTH INSURANCE, BANKING, BANKING. I am definitely going super deep into cryptocurrencies when I get back. I should have invested back when it was at $100 but more importantly I will be investing in ones I think are cool and have potential for the future. Win/win. Fuck the banks. Fuck "US "democracy."" The future is coming. Roderick is correct. The trajectory is headed straight for post-modernism and there is nothing we can do about it. Strap in. Knowledge is power.


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